On a recent morning, Maria Dominguez pours him a cup of decaf, black, two sugars.

Every single day starts with an entire pot of Starbucks decaf espresso.

“It’s not like I like them because of how they taste. I like them because of how they make me feel,” Carpenter said, before telling Dimoldenberg that she gives off “decaf energy.”

Beyond serving size and the caffeinated/decaf divide, the surveys made no accommodation for the various ways coffee is served.

I tried everything I could think of: switched to decaf coffee, gave up all alcohol, started meditating and even found a lullaby playlist to condition my body into sleep mode.