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Thursday, September 27, 2007

	Commander Ryker pulls an OJ at the Las Vegas Hilton Star Trek exhibit	(18)
(Some Guy)	Iranian websites aren't mentioning that whole "There are no homosexuals in Iran" thing	(127)
	Hottie radio host says "f*ck" seven times in a row after pre-aired clip fails to play. As this happened in Britain, there's a picture of her laughing rather than being loaded in handcuffs onto a rendition flight to Gitmo	(179)
	Lawyer: DMX has history of animal cruelty up in here, up in here	(115)
	N.J. police crack down on 11-year-old jaywalkers, smack them upside the head with $54 tickets	(80)
(KPHO Phoenix)	From the producer of the blockbuster "The Creature From The Third World That Swims Up Urethras" comes an all new, more terrifying sequel: "The Creature From Under The London Bridge That Swims Up Your Nose And Eats Your Brain"	(126)
(Computerworld)	Now that London is a crime-free paradise, Chicago is next to blanket city with cameras scanning for "suspicious" behavior	(108)
	Verizon will now allow text messages that cause abortions	(91)
	Quebec considering giving hospitals portable amputation kits, so firefighters don't have to rent hacksaws at nearby hardware stores	(45)
(Businesswire)	Application submitted for first new nuclear plant in U.S. in 30 years. Jack Lemmon unavailable for comment	(272)
(Kingsport Times-News)	Two geniuses discover that older Honda Accords don't have enough get-up-and-go to yank an ATM chained to a car out of a store (with dumbass mugshot goodness)	(50)
(Some Gal)	Theme: Seven deadly sins. Today's sin: ANGER	(93)
(Some Guy)	Playboy wants Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards. Nude. Together. Playboy airbrush artists hold rally for increased overtime pay	(133)
	Six years after 9/11, GAO officials cross the border successfully 75 percent of the time carrying radioactive materials	(123)
	President of WTC Survivors Network removed because she apparently wasn't even there on 9/11 and did not actually surf down the side of the building as it fell	(306)
	For sale: Roman bath house in south of England, unseen by public in 2000 years, fixer-upper special, $750K. This ad brought to you by the guild of millers: Real bread for real Romans	(56)
	In an effort to show the proper use of a vehicle when stealing an ATM, thieves use a John Deere backhoe to steal an ATM loaded with approximately $100,000 from a bank drive-thru (with play-by-play video)	(51)
	Hugo Chavez: "Iran isn't making an atomic bomb, not at all. They just want to develop nuclear energy. Venezuela will do it also someday." Dick Cheney's finger twitches as he gazes at the big, shiny, red, candy-colored button	(244)
	Six Catholic nuns excommunicated for heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. Four counts	(152)
	Woman shows her Xbox to 17-year-old Game Boy, who flashes his Wii. Game over when PS'd-off husband calls the cops	(196)
	Boulder students learning first hand that that protestors are viewed as douchebags regardless of the issue	(209)
	Teens cutting a hole in the roof of a tobacco and liquor store miscalculated, were actually drilling through the overhang in front of the store. "I told the cop, 'You don't spend your days chasing geniuses, do you?'"	(66)
	Rapes, drugs, knife-wielding students and other crimes that aren't reported by Seattle schools because "police don't have jurisdiction inside schools"... wait, what?	(66)
	Parent uses toddler to steal a purse (with video)	(62)
	As Congress debates spending an extra $50 billion on our war to liberate Iraq, a transcript surfaces showing Bush rejected an offer from Saddam to leave voluntarily if he was allowed to keep $1 billion	(432)
(YNet News)	Hillary Clinton will not comment on a hypothetical Israeli attack on Iran, but is fully supportive of their "alleged" attack on Syria	(94)
(Southern Comfort)	This is either the worst idea for a song ever, or the most genius. (Sponsored Link)	(27)
	Naval officer pays for 15 and 16 year old cadets to visit prostitutes in Amsterdam, but some people have a problem with this	(48)
	Men are now happier than women. Women work tirelessly to correct this oversight	(277)
(MLive)	Ring of illegal can depositors about to get some deposits in their cans	(63)
(Some Guy)	Long Beach police search apartment after noticing "there was a lot of coming and going" and find 800 pounds of weed worth $2.5 million. In other news, coming and going now constitutes probable cause for a search warrant	(214)
	If you've ever thought to yourself, "I love my picture window made entirely out of frogs, but it sure inhibits my view of the back yard", the Japanese have good news for you	(33)
(Some Guy)	School: Cut your hair or you will be punished. Teen: It's against my religion. School: Your religion is fake	(297)
	Inquest into Diana's accidental death by car crash due to start as soon as enough jurors that can spell "forgone conclusion" are found	(41)
	American music icon Willie Nelson's sister has released her first album -- at the age of 76	(25)
	British girl's balloon turns up in China. Covered in lead paint? Trapped in a medival prison? Joining the Falun Gong? Making cheap tinfoil cars? Uh, no. Just a normal balloon. Traveling across the planet	(47)
	Photoshop this ordinary day in a mudhut village	(70)
	Isn't Tonya Harding supposed to weigh about 300 pounds? Looks like she's back to her old porn weight	(70)
	Ten things you didn't know about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, such as his family name originally having been Saborjhian before changing it to the easier-to-pronounce Ahmadinejad	(228)
(Some Guy)	It seems that Mr. Bollinger, Columbia's president (the college, not the country) has enraged the terrorist sympathisers that pay his salary	(296)
	Giggles the Clown doesn't look too happy over those child-sex charges. With mugshot goodness	(75)
	Guy dressed like Steve Irwin attacks ducks with a fire extinguisher. Crikey	(38)
	Some of the strangest records from the "2008 Guinness Book Of Records," including "Most panes of safety glass run through," "Largest dog wedding" and "Biggest non-mailout of free bar towels in history"	(58)
(WISH-TV)	For decades, Indianapolis emergency crews have been struggling along without their own hovercraft	(64)
	Paying $25,000 for a Ferrari cell phone will not make your penis any bigger	(211)
	45-year-old woman arrested with a cooch full of smack	(106)
(Some Guy)	If being caught in fishnet stockings wasn't embarassing enough for Oscar de la Hoya, he now has an offer to become a cross-dressing model	(40)
	Study shows moderate alcohol use improves recall of both visual and emotional stimuli. Excessive use causes no physical stimuli, which they refer to in scientific terms as "whiskey dick"	(43)
	Elaborate practical joke lures tourists to British shiathole of Cornwall with Internet campaign promoting topless beach that doesn't exist (pic)	(95)
(Some Guy)	If you live in Philadelphia and enjoy buffalo wings from your favorite pizzeria, turns out they may have come from an illegal, disease-infested garage. Mmmmmm	(76)
(Some Guy)	Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fad blamed for appearance of 20-pound turtle named "Snappy" in pond. Naturally, media has to crack wise about people being "shell-shocked"	(43)
	Step 1: Win lottery. Step 2: Continue to claim state benefits. Step 3: Profit. Bonus: Excuse is “the lottery win frightened me”	(26)
(Mapquest)	Okay all you Jacksonville people, time for a Fark Party at Fast Boys Wings on the Intracoastal Beach Blvd on October 13th. DIT	(83)
	Traumatized by victory in multimillion dollar libel suit, judge is forced to take time off with pay to go to the track and bet on horse races	(33)
(NYT)	Towns that pass laws against illegal immigrants discover they hadn't thought their brilliant plan all the way through	(538)
(Some Guy)	Things you never thought you'd be pondering on a Thursday morning in September: "Is Michael Jackson married? And to what?"	(86)
	In today's lead toy recall news, Thomas's friend "Pb the Boxcar" has been recalled, along with more lead-based toys from China	(82)
(Rochester D&C)	Owner of hydroponic store busted for growing pot. Outside	(29)
(Some Guy)	If only they could paint like this without taking acid	(64)
	If you are going to advertise "nuclear-sized pit bulls," it's best not to have the steroids and pot plants at the same location. I will give you three guesses as to where this happened, the first two don't count	(65)
	AP: Witnesses say soldiers are firing automatic weapons into crowds in downtown Yangon, Myanmar	(297)
	Employee of reptile store learns how not to clean a rattlesnake's cage	(50)
(Burger chef and jeff)	What was your favorite chain restaurant that is no longer around?	(868)
	Man, presumed sterile after lightning strike, thanks God for his wife's pregnancy. Wife prays to God the baby doesn't look like the milkman	(63)
	School buses fitted with computers to ensure they cannot top 57 miles an hour. Pretty narrow window for Sandra Bullock to manuever	(49)
(Some Chi-City)	Chicago Fark Party at the Lincoln Tap Room this Saturday, Sept 29th. Details about the OPEN BAR in thread	(106)
	Man volunteers at daycare and molests child. By "daycare" we mean "animal shelter," and by "child" we mean "dog"	(87)
(Some Scout)	Photoshop this boy and his award	(76)
(Some Kosher Goulash eater)	Hungarian art students saved Jews during WWII by forging documents and painting nudes. Wait, what?	(34)
	Bush comments on the improvements in U.S. student test scores: "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." Yeah, he really said that	(316)
	Boston manholes bursting into flames. Early attempts to fix the problem went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, they finally have a working solution	(69)
	Lab tech bites child she's supposed to draw blood from. You're doing it wrong	(86)
	Navy to spend $600K to modify barracks complex that looks like swastika on satellite images	(162)
	Federal judge rules that breath tests for pedestrians unconstitutional without a warrant	(140)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 125: "Everything's a dollar/pound/euro/etc." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(95)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

(WMUR)	Men hypnotize store owner to rob him. Also make him act like a chicken and help him quit smoking	(39)
	State closes daycare after finding baby with pacifier taped to his mouth. Honestly, if you've had kids you've thought about it	(155)
	Immigrants to the US will be required to have a better understanding of our government than people born here	(136)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this guy drawing something else	(124)
	Judge rules parts of Patriot Act unconstitutional	(251)
	There was a big snow storm in Denver nine months ago	(42)
	Here's a new one for you. Toyota recalls 55,000.... floor mats. FLOOR MATS? Yes, floor mats	(189)
	Darwin can hardly contain his excitement over the latest trend sweeping Canada	(166)
(the alligator)	Andrew "Don't tase me, bro" Meyer has an uphill battle to fight in his 1st amendment lawsuit against UF	(304)
	Cops in Missouri take bad publicity from videotaping incident in stride. Just kidding, they are staking out the home of the kid who installed a camera in his car (with video)	(407)
	Names which have taken on a negative connotation when they entered the lexicon. Minus: No mention of Rick Santorum. Bonus: Includes the words "batcrap-insane"	(107)
	Guy saves newspaper the trouble of an R rated headline by choosing a dog instead of a cat	(38)
	How many penis-related puns can one fit into an article	(60)
	At some point, someone in Oregon thought it would be a good idea to install a fire hydrant painted with American flags in a dog park. They no longer think that	(76)
	Hundreds gather to see Marcel Marceau try and escape from opaque box	(62)
(Some Hardcore Gay Lawyer)	Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please examine The People's Exhibit A: Some hardcore gay porn	(103)
	When you don't know which obscene text message to your ex-girlfriend got you arrested then you have probably sent too many	(28)
(KABC)	Mistrial in Spector case, and they said there was no justice in Hollywood. Wait... what?	(177)
(People.co.uk)	Parents dismayed to discover that the party clown they hired for their youngster's birthday party is also a hooker that charges £200 per hour, although it does explain why she has so many strange balloons	(108)
(Some Gal)	Theme: 7 deadly sins - Today's sin 'GREED	(76)
	Golden Shower, Cum Rocket, She's Easy, Strip Teaser, Bodacious Tatas, and other racehorses with dirty names	(68)
	Those wacky Catholics are at it again. The head of the church in Mozambique is claiming that condoms and anti-retroviral drugs are deliberately laced with HIV to "finish quickly the African People." Hilarity sure to ensue	(266)
(Some Guy)	Wouldn't it be great if an inmate's lawsuit claimed Steve Jobs employed O.J. Simpson as a hitman, aimed nuclear weapons at the inmates head and Lance Armstrong's bicycle, price gouged iPhone customers? Pretty cool, huh?	(40)
	'Smart' bra does breast cancer screenings for you. Until the battery dies. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen	(44)
	Disbarred lawyer who helped her client communicate with terrorists will teach ethics at New York law conference	(94)
	Not News-Motorcyclist clocked at 135 on GA highway. News- He had a passenger. Fark-He told cops he was "preparing for jump to hyperspace."	(113)
	Tom Cruise asks for a moment of silence on the set of his new movie. Crew member breaks the silence by breaking wind. Tom Cruise is not amused	(456)
	Dunkin' Donuts returns to Indy on Monday. Indiana excited about its chances to do better than "9th fattest state"	(70)
	Scientists find new species in Vietnam. "It's great news for Vietnam," said some guy with a tenuous grasp on reality	(42)
	Reporters are a cheap date: Mahmoud Ahmacrazyguy takes 50 US journalists out for dinner and gets some good PR, such as this fawning article, in return	(402)
	Nicaraguan president reverts to his communist past, bashes capitalism and the evil, imperialist United States	(108)
	Quentin Tarantino planning erotic film. Working titles include "Fill Bill" and "Jackie Browneye"	(175)
	Councilwoman sues city, accidentally reveals illegal loan in deposition, reveals her credentials for politics are valid	(30)
	Supreme Court: "We want to review whether lethal injection is mean." Texas: "Okay. We're gonna review whether all these inmates are still guilty. Oddly enough, they are"	(362)
	United Airlines 2006: Dump pensions, we're broke. 2007: We have $21 Billion in excess assets. Suck it, taxpayers	(64)
	Attention whore goes to bank wearing light bright display and carrying putty	(23)
	Rover Christ. You Jewish dog wants a crucifixion for this blasphemer	(103)
	A quarter of women too fat to do up their bras	(339)
(People)	Paris Hilton to visit Rwanda, no doubt to drop off some herpes and bring back an orphan	(48)
(news-leader.com)	Did you bring enough drug-laced candy to fark up the entire class?	(47)
(charleston daily mail)	8 kids climb into an SUV, 9 come out. With no wonder dad hit it 9 times picture goodness	(323)
	Fugitive who murdered man over homosexual advances caught after 32 years. Where he is going, 'advances' will be a euphemism	(70)
	Andre the Giant has been reborn in Russia and has 11 siblings (w/ pic of the 17lb lad)	(95)
(Some cavewoman)	Photoshop theme: What life would be like if dinosaurs lived amongst us	(114)
	Remember that giant spider web found in a Texas park a month ago? Well, apparently lots of different spiders working together, sort of like a United Nations minus Russia, is how it was created. Here comes the science	(159)
(Some Guy)	Vick exonorat, eckonera, exoneratte...fails drug test	(202)
	Nepal debates a nudity ban for climbers of Mt. Everest. Huh?	(36)
	China bans "sexual sounds" on the radio; Howard Stern's show reduced to 6 minutes	(73)
	Don't believe people who say they can multiply your money using a 'special potion'	(46)
	Gates seeks $190 billion for wars. The other Gates chuckles, knowing he makes more than that by releasing a new OS every few years	(80)
	Not News: NYC eatery owner hangs up photo of Chelsea Clinton. News: Bill Clinton threatens legal action if photo not taken down. Free publicity: Owner is the same whacknut who charged $1,000 for pizza back in March	(94)
(Sun-Herald)	Library board reinstates a previously banned book, "Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch", after library patrons wouldn't stop requesting it	(75)
	Police arrest women in their 50s for prostitution. Oh yeah	(115)
	Even with Robin Williams pretty much finished with stand-up, U.S. remains world's largest cocaine market	(107)
	Old 'n' busted: Canada and Iceland squabbling over an island in the Arctic. New hotness: Ireland, Denmark, Iceland and Britain argue over a 90 ft wide lump of granite in the Atlantic	(73)
	Israeli sortie into Syria that was revised from intelligence gathering mission to attack on Hezbollah training camps to an attack on Syrian-N. Korean nuclear facilities has been downgraded slightly to attack on chemically armed missles	(513)
	Bridge in Vietnam collapses, once again proving that communism is inherently unstable	(67)
	Owner finds his art gallery vandalized with anti-gay slurs the day after he put four paintings of naked men in his front window. "The images... are all basically a rear view, you see more than that on the beach"	(60)
	Man tries to pass counterfeit $100 at strip club. Might have gotten away with it if it wasn't for all those pesky methamphetamines	(25)
	Technology that is unable to find non-fictonal Steve Fossett allegedly ideal to locate Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster	(42)
(Some Guy)	Virginia poultry farmer files $7.5 million lawsuit after photo of him shows up on greeting card asking recipient if they'd like to get goosed (pic)	(43)
(AHN.com)	Some headlines don't need rewriting: "Scientist Takes A Look At Some Of Hollywood's Best Looking Breasts"	(184)
	New nationnwide test results show that the US is getting stronger in math -- but it's a moot point because we still can't read the math books	(62)
	Philadelphia restaurants to fight the food nannies and bunny huggers next week by serving foie gras for $5	(167)
	Aaaaaaaaaaaaay, Milwaukee's building a statue of me. Now, all your jukeboxes will work	(79)
	Little girl strapped to the North African's back is not missing toddler Madeleine	(65)
(Some Guy)	Give me an "A," give me a "C," give me an "L," give me a "U," What's that spell? Woman refused entry into bar because of hairstyle	(429)
(arstechnica)	On November 1, the ban on taxing Internet service is set to expire. No word on if this applies to pr0n or not	(80)
	As expected, it's Whack-A-Monk Day in Myanmar	(116)
	Library fines dead woman for returning book late	(82)
	36 percent: The number of people who still support Bush or the number of Illinois kids who have basic proficiency in math?	(80)
(Some Guy)	So the Iranian president was all like, "You're the world Satan," and the US delegation was all like, "Oh no he didn't," and then he was all like, "Yeah I did," and the US just walked out, biatches	(lots)
	756 will be donated to the Hall of Fame with a *	(348)
(Neatorama)	MIT pranksters nail Harvard again. Duke sucks	(126)
(Some Guy)	GM and UAW have reached a tentative agreement: GM will continue a slow death, and its workers will continue contributing to it	(383)
	Authorities report new leads that might lead them to Steve Fossett's bleached, flensed skeleton	(73)
(Some Guy)	Pennsylvania bars fine puking patrons. Which is stupid. Who ever heard of having to pay when returning a product?	(84)
	Goat Justice League convinces the Seattle City Council to allow pygmy goats as pets. In other news, there's a Goat Justice League	(54)
(Some Drone)	Photoshop this enthusiastic soldier	(87)

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