‘Homemaker’; ‘housewife’; ‘domestic technician’. Call it what you will, it’s a job unlikely ever to lose its patronising inverted commas. Women who endure a hellish commute, long hours, or a lack of recognition just to bank enough money to pay the rent and get pissed that month often have little respect for those who, by choice or circumstance, don’t. And lesbian professionals who feel they’ve had an extra-arduous time clambering up the career ladder are even more likely to look scornfully on a gay woman who spends her days cooking, cleaning and keeping her partner’s life in order.

But whether they’re making a post-feminist statement by reclaiming the home, have ditched their high-powered job for a life of domestic bliss, enjoyed being a mum too much to go back to work, or been pressurised to stay at home by a domineering partner, lesbian housewives are here to stay.

Thirty-seven-year-old Tiffany is a self-confessed traditionalist: ‘It’s in my nature to want to make everyone around me comfortable,’ she explains. Having quit her full-time job in arts marketing because the daily commute was ‘making [her] misanthropic’, she and her partner of 14 years, Nicola, decided that she’d be much happier keeping house.

‘I did a business degree, and back then I would have seen “housewife” as a derogatory term – I never thought I’d end up as one,’ says Tiffany. But since meeting Nicola, her priorities have changed: ‘She works in corporate finance. It was a big step when I accepted she would always earn more than me, but I suppose that made my decision not to work full-time easier in the end.’
Making money is Nicola’s way of looking after her wife – they were married last year – and keeping their domestic life in order is Tiffany’s. She explains: ‘We have a very traditional relationship along those lines. I do all the cooking and cleaning and she does all the DIY. Of course, I could drill a hole or paint a door, but do I want to? No!’

Tiffany starts the day by checking her emails – something, she tells me, that stops her feeling isolated. Working part-time for herself takes the pressure off. She can choose who she works for and makes her own priorities. Then she heads to the top floor of her fabulous North London home, where she has her own gym. After working out for a few hours she’ll do the washing, hoovering, cooking and cleaning, saving her favourite chore for last – scrubbing the kitchen sink: ‘I love seeing it sparkle!’
Tiffany still finds time to freshen up ready for when Nicola comes home, often bearing gifts: ‘She buys me lovely jewellery – only from Tiffany & Co, of course!’

But being a lesbian housewife can make it hard to socialise with other women, Tiffany admits: ‘They tend to be incredibly envious of my lifestyle… and why wouldn’t they be? I’m very lucky!’
But that’s not what 24-year-old Sally* from Cumbria thinks. Her path to becoming a housewife was far from happy: ‘I had an affair with someone at work. My partner Kath* found out and said she’d only stay with me if I quit and never went back.’ At the time, Sally explains, it felt like a small price to pay for being unfaithful. She still loved Kath and wanted them to stay together, so agreed to do what ever it took. ‘Our relationship is definitely back on track,’ she says, ‘and I know Kath’s forgiven me. But I’m unhappy – deep down. I feel trapped, and being a housewife is not enough for me.’
Sally had been working as a secretary since she was 17. It wasn’t a particularly fulfilling career, but, she tells me: ‘I enjoyed being around people, having a laugh. I miss that.’

She’s keen to point out that she still has an active social life, but as all her friends work during the day she feels lonely at times. It doesn’t help that there isn’t that much housework to do in their small flat: ‘I’ll make the bed, do last night’s washing up, see to the garden, put some dinner on. But I’ll still have hours with nothing to do but watch TV. I’ve even started phoning in for competitions on the telly, it’s that bad!’

Sally likes making her girlfriend happy. Since having the affair, she wonders if it’s guilt that keeps her from telling Kath she wants to go back to work: ‘I keep my mouth shut ’cos I want a happy home. She’s so nice to me now, it makes the thought of upsetting things by getting a job and risking her jealously all the more hard.’ In my search for other lesbian homemakers I take a quick detour to the other side of the world. Sydney, to be precise, where in 1946 the New Housewives’ Association was formed to seek equal status for women, lower the price of household products, and bake some really good cakes. During my cyber sojourn in the city – you don’t think I’d really go all that way to track down a happy house dyke, did you? – I meet 40-year-old Kate.



She emails me to explain how she ended up a house-husband (‘I’m quite the tomboy, so this is how I prefer to see myself’): ‘When our little girl Raphi was six months old we put her in childcare so my partner Nez and I could both work. She was there for two weeks and was sick three times. We decided to take her out, and I resigned from my job as a chef because I earn a lot less than Nez, who is a deputy head teacher.’
Kate spends the day looking after Raphi and fitting in a bit of housework, ‘I’ll stick the radio on and have a good sing-along while I do it.’ She always makes an effort to get out of the house: ‘If I was stuck at home with Raphi all day, I’d go crazy; she would too. She loves checking out the scene.’

Kate has taken the baby to a couple of lesbian mothers groups, but claims it’s difficult when the only thing you have in common is the fact that you have a child: ‘The first time we went was to a picnic in the park. We rocked up with loads of beers and some junk food and were met by a circle of very earnest lesbians and their kids, all tucking into tofu. Under no circumstances will we be attending another one!’
Nez gets home around 5pm, ‘which is wine o’clock – my favourite time of day’. Kate tells me that: ‘While Nez would never say she expects a clean house or dinner prepared when she gets home, I do feel guilty if this isn’t done. I love to cook, and most nights there’s a delicious dinner waiting for my two babies.’ As she’s ‘not really into verbalising feelings’, Kate cooks to show her love.

But is it all domestic paradise down under? ‘We do argue about me neglecting the housework in favour of socialising. After a bit of half-hearted bickering I concede and start mopping! But there’s no way I see “homemaking” as a job; it’s far too much fun.’
Back in Blighty, I’m contacted by 35-year-old Rhian from Newcastle. She ran the woman’s group at university and considered herself a lesbian feminist: ‘My old friends think I’ve sold out by never pursuing a career and choosing to be a housewife, but I see it as a wholly political decision,’ she explains. Rhian’s girlfriend Jo* is an estate agent: ‘She earns more money than we know what to do with on her own, so there’s really no point in me busting a gut to work as well.’
Rhian explains: ‘Men said a woman’s place was in the home, so we went out to work to prove them wrong. Now I see it as a radical move to opt out of their battle to stay on top in the workplace. I’m choosing to be a housewife; I’m reclaiming my home as a female space.’

It seems that Rhian now puts all of her drive and ambition into keeping the house spotless, cooking amazing meals and making Jo’s life as easy as possible. She reveals that they have a ‘dominant/ submissive, mildly masochistic sexual relationship’ and she finds being a housewife ‘quite horny’ – it is sexual roleplay as much as the reality of her daily life: ‘It’s what keeps it interesting,’ she admits.
I ask Rhian if she’s not just mirroring an out-dated, heterosexual dynamic: ‘Of course we are,’ she declares, ‘but we’re subverting it in our own way. As long as we’re thinking about our lifestyle in this context, I don’t see it as selling out – I see it as making a stand.’

Lesbians might think they’ve taken what it means to be a housewife away from the 1950s’ ideal by the very fact of their sexuality. But according to a US Home Economics text book from 1952, they’re actually doing something right: ‘Housewives, prepare yourself for your [partner’s] arrival home: Touch-up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be a little gay and a little more interesting’.
* Names changed