Warm. I register that as I go under. I gulp seawater, then shoot back up to the surface. I am freaking out. Red-hot adrenaline is coursing through me, and I am flailing, gagging on seawater, thrashing my arms as I reach for the receding Anna Mary. I am trying to run to my boat—to fly toward it—shrieking “Anthony! Anthony!” then screaming “Fuuuuuuuuuuck!” at the top of my lungs.

No way I can be heard. I scream because the scream just pours out of me, but the Anna Mary is steaming away, its motor drowning out any sound that might be heard by human ears, especially the ears of two guys who are dead asleep and snoring in the nose of the boat. The Anna Mary becomes smaller and smaller as it runs away from me, and I am still fighting to run toward it, to keep my head above the swells, but now all I can see are the lights on top of the boat; they’re getting smaller, too. Dimmer. This isn’t happening. How can this be happening?

There is nothing to hold onto, nothing floating past me, nothing to grab, not a piece of driftwood or a piece of garbage, not a lost rope or a dead fish. Nothing. The wearable flotation device that is a safety requirement aboard every commercial fishing boat is no good if you’re not wearing it. We never wear ours. I am aware that my arms and legs are thrashing around stupidly and to no purpose, that I am alone and violently beating the ocean in the middle of the night. My whole being is certain that I am going to drown. I am going to tread water uselessly till I become so exhausted I drown. My God, I wonder, what will that feel like?

The despair is overwhelming. It has taken over my body, tensed it to the max, made my stomach muscles as rigid as iron.

I’m 45 years old. I’ve been frightened before. This is nothing like that. This is panic that paralyzes my lungs and makes my heart feel like it’s going to come shooting out of my body. Fight or flight: You kidding? Fight the ocean? Flight to where?

The is just about out of sight heading south. I note its position in relation to the full moon and note also that the waves are breaking from the southwest. I’m not sure I consciously register this, but these are reference points. Directions. My