Creative Parenting After Separation

ELIZABETH SEDDON is a social worker/family therapist who has worked in the area of family relationships for many years. She was Director of Relationships Australia, Canberra and Region for twelve years and more recently was National Director of Relationships Australia. She is presently an Honorary Research Fellow in the Department of Social Policy, University of Edinburgh and the Centre for Research on Family and Relationships at the same university. She also works as a family counsellor in Scotland. She has personal experience of parenting after separation and coping with the challenges of living in a stepfamily.

Creative

Parenting After

Separation

Elizabeth Seddon

First published in 2003

Copyright © Elizabeth Seddon 2003

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

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National Library of Australia

Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:

Seddon, Elizabeth I.

    Creative parenting after separation: a happier way forward.

    Bibliography.

    Includes index.

    ISBN 1 74114 049 8.

    ISBN 1 74114 149 4 (export edition).

    1. Divorced parents. 2. Children of divorced parents.

    3. Joint custody of children. 4. Single-parent families.

    I. Title.

306.89

Set in 10.5/13 pt Sabon by Bookhouse, Sydney

Printed by Griffin Press, South Australia

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For my father and mother,

Joe and Nancy.

Contents

Acknowledgments

1 What is creative parenting all about?

2 Creative parenting after separation: Does it matter?

3 Parenting pathways following separation

4 What does marriage mean to us and how do cultural meanings affect how we behave towards our partners?

5 ‘Misfit’ relationships: Consequences for separation

6 Ideas about separation: Some common confusions

7 Building a creative parenting relationship

8 Maintaining the creative parenting relationship

Notes

References

Acknowledgments

Many people have contributed to the writing of this book. I want to express my deep gratitude and appreciation to them. Susan Gribbon, Sue Fyvel and Kerrie James read and critiqued my work at different stages of the writing process, offering numerous comments and insights. Bruce Smyth and Ruth Weston from the Australian Institute of Family Studies were incredibly helpful and offered me a new way of talking about the language of separation and a fresh eye. Many of the ideas in this book were informed by my work in this area with David Jones, a colleague during my time at Relationships Australia. Other colleagues at Relationships Australia, Canberra and Region, have also contributed to this book through their willingness to work together to develop innovative ways of assisting couples and families. I wish to thank them also.

I would also like to acknowledge the help and support of the Centre for Research on Families and Relationships at Edinburgh University where I have had much needed administrative and practical assistance, plus a room in which to write.

I owe a personal debt to my husband, Frank Castles. I am essentially a marriage and family therapist. This book was a new endeavour for me. Frank commented meticulously on the structure and ideas in this book. His ideas, suggestions and support were invaluable and I learnt much from him about the art of writing. Finally, I want to acknowledge our children who taught me so much about parenting after separation and living in a step-family.

I gratefully acknowledge the authors and publishers who granted permission to reprint material from works in copyright. Every effort has been made to trace all the other copyright holders but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publisher will be pleased to make the necessary acknowledgement at the first available opportunity.

1

What is creative

parenting all about?

Most parents who are in the process of separating, or thinking about separating, are anxious to do the best by their children. They want to minimise harm and provide a positive environment in which to nurture their children’s growth and development. But separating couples often argue over what this means, one or both of them believing that they alone know what is in their children’s best interests. Sometimes, the arguments are fuelled by anger, bitterness and grief over the ending of the relationship; at other times, parents are motivated by a genuine but misguided concern about what is best for the children. Occasionally, there is genuine cause for concern about one parent’s capacity to care adequately for the children. This continual argument and conflict about what is best for the children often creates the very environment the parents are trying to avoid—one that is fraught with conflict and divided loyalties, with the potential to cause emotional distress to their children.

Although this scenario is quite common, we all know of other couples who manage to part in a different way. While angry and upset over the separation and frequently blaming each other, they manage to put these feelings aside as they negotiate caring and parenting responsibilities for their children. Their children are often consulted about their needs and shielded as much as possible from their parents’ conflicts. This allows the children to get on with their own lives, eventually enabling the parents to get on with theirs. With time, some of these parents may even develop a friendship although this isn’t necessary for their parenting arrangement to work. These parents are able to work together creatively in an active way. They seek out resources to help them achieve their goals and they handle the inevitable stresses of the situation in a way that creates as much of a win–win situation as is possible for all.

How do some couples manage to separate in a way that allows everyone to get on with their lives in a positive manner, while others spend years wrangling and arguing? What contributes to some parents losing or not maintaining involvement in their children’s lives, often losing contact entirely, or playing only a minimal role, distressing the children and leaving them worried and concerned about whether their absent parent really does love and care for them? What is going on in some parents who try to exclude the other parent from the child’s life? What about relationships where there has been violence or there is the continuing threat of violence?

Are the needs of children and parents grossly at odds during separation? What prevents parents from acting in ways that will contribute to a positive separation for everybody? What does a positive separation look like? How does separation affect grandparents and other family members? What about repartnering? These are a few of the questions explored in this book.

Why place so much emphasis on the needs of children? We now know a lot about the potentially detrimental impact of separation and divorce on children; we know that, in the short term, children are distressed and upset by their parents’ separation. In the long term, their emotional growth and development, their educational and social opportunities, are influenced by how their parents handle this transition. We know that children exposed to ongoing conflict and caught up in divided loyalties are more at risk of lowered well-being generally.¹

Separation is frequently followed by a period of economic hardship which can translate into poverty for some children. This is particularly true of children from families where only one parent was working or where the income of two parents was needed to sustain the household before separation. Poverty is linked to lower educational attainment for children, an increased chance of delinquency, more psychological disturbances and the likelihood of reduced earnings as adults.²

For the most part, what children need to help them make the transition to a new kind of family lies in the hands of their parents. Whether the conflict continues depends on the type of relationship the parents develop with each other after separation; whether there is severe economic hardship or poverty depends on how child support and income maintenance are arranged. So, it is important that, during and after separation and divorce, parents are aware of the risk factors that could lead to negative outcomes for children so that they can take steps to minimise them.

But because all families are different and each marriage or relationship unique, parents can be creative in the way they build their future relationship with each other and with their children. Many of the old ways of handling separation are counterproductive for children and parents. This is where creativity comes in. Both parents have an opportunity to build a relationship that will work for them and their children, rather than having decisions imposed by courts or dictated by outdated beliefs about marriage that no longer correspond with reality.

Knowing the risk factors and working out what to do about them is often not sufficient. It’s a big jump from knowing what to do to being able to do it—to build a constructive parenting relationship together. Creative parenting after separation depends on two people cooperating at a time when they feel least capable of doing so. For some separating couples it seems that, no matter how hard they try to cooperate with each other, the next encounter brings more conflict. Or one partner may be more capable of cooperating than the other.

The reality is that creative parenting after separation depends on the goodwill of both parents and, if one parent is less cooperative than the other, this can be an obstacle.

Thus, a key focus in this book is on the things that seem to stop parents from forming creative parenting relationships after separation, on the assumption that being able to identify these factors will free parents to move forward. Once parents understand the obstacles and have eliminated them, or learnt how to go round them, they can implement some of the skills and practices that will facilitate the development of a creative parenting relationship.

As separation and divorce becomes more acceptable in our society, it is important that we find a blueprint for it that supports the best outcomes for both adults and children. It is fairly clear that we have not yet done this. We are referring here to marriage and non-marital relationships. The latter are increasing with many children now being born to cohabiting couples. These parents have exactly the same parental responsibilites towards their children after separation. Our society seems to have a very ambivalent attitude towards separation and divorce. We no longer assign legal fault or blame but divorce is still frowned upon socially and we seek to discover which partner was ‘at fault’.

Many of our personal attitudes and beliefs, as well as the general beliefs in society, result in separations and divorces that are acrimonious and destructive for all concerned. For children, these separations are profoundly disturbing. They probably reinforce society’s ambivalence about separation, because the process of separation doesn’t seem to resolve the issues for some parents. In some situations, it actually seems to set in train a whole new load of problems and conflicts.

The debate about separation in our culture has split into opposing camps and is often clouded by ideological thinking. The terms of this debate have a major impact on separating parents because they influence how they think and feel about themselves and their family during the process. Current thoughts about separation also influence how others in the family respond to the separating couple and what advice and support is offered to them. The debate can be summarised as follows:³

Many researchers and social commentators see separation as the cause of numerous social evils. It is said that it increases family poverty, weakens ties between the generations, increases child delinquency and educational and mental health problems, and isolates men from their fathering roles. At the extreme, separated people and those contemplating separation are labelled selfish, individualistic and inconsiderate of their children’s needs. They are seen to be putting their own needs before those of their children. Cohabitation also poses problems, as it is seen to devalue marriage and make couples more vulnerable to separation.

According to this view, the cure for all these ills is to restrict divorce by making it less available and discourage cohabitation. This would make people take marriage more seriously and work at their relationships. Some even suggest the return of fault-based divorce. They believe that the structure of relationships is the most important element in raising happy and healthy children and that the best structure in which to do this is the intact family.

Other researchers and commentators contend that divorce is one of the greatest liberating forces of our time as it frees people from personally damaging family relationships, dominated by power, conflict, violence and inequality. Supporters of this side of the argument point to the fact that marriage has traditionally depended on women’s subordination and on the maintenance of separate spheres for men and women. They see much more potential for happier and more equal relationships today.

They argue that it is not so much the structure of relationships that is important to children, but the quality and consistency of those relationships. Children can and do thrive in a diversity of family structures. Marriages and relationships that are dominated by conflict, violence or fear are far more destructive for children than divorce and separation. The remedy, from this perspective, is to deal with the economic consequences of divorce by supporting single-parent families.

This is not a book about which side of the debate is correct. We are more interested in how attitudes and beliefs arising from the debate influence parents decisions and actions during separation and, ultimately, the shape of the parenting relationship after separation. Both sides of the debate have some merit. Very few people would argue with the proposition that it is simpler and more economically viable for children to be brought up with their natural parents living together. Most research shows that children who start out living with both their parents are, on average, better off both psychologically and financially when raised with those parents. Most parents and children, when asked, ideally want this type of arrangement. Most parents would have preferred their relationship to work.

But there have always been happy and unhappy marriages and the outcomes for children living in unhappy families is just as clear, particularly those families where there are high levels of marital conflict. In these situations, divorce and single-parent households may be better for the children than living with both parents. And, while divorce may provide a gateway to freedom for women in oppressive relationships, for many women it is also a gateway into poverty and a different type of oppression. For men, separation and divorce frequently bring with them the risk of poorer physical and mental health, as well as a fracturing of relationships with their children.

It is clear that nothing much is achieved by reducing the issue to a ‘good’ versus ‘bad’ debate. Things are more complex than that. We have to find new ways of helping to sustain relationships and new ways of disentangling them when they are not working.

Many of the ideas in this book were developed in my work as a marriage and family therapist. They are also based on the vast body of findings by researchers in the field of family relationships. These findings go back over 30 years and include a number of long-term studies on the impact of divorce on children. This is a book about how relationships work and about understanding the process of separation. It is not a ‘how-to’ book. I am seeking to help people make sense of their relationships and their experience of separation, while organising things in a way that best meets the needs of their children. Many parents have told me that guidance on how to build a parenting relationship after separation doesn’t really help without some understanding of why their relationships fell apart and how they can be mended. That is what this book tries to do.

Most separating couples do not take the decision to separate lightly. For some, the decision comes after a long struggle to improve their relationship. It may be taken jointly, but more often it is instigated by only one of the partners. In some relationships, separation comes as a surprise because one of the partners may not have realised the extent of the difficulties. For others, separation coincides with the discovery of an affair and is accompanied by overwhelming feelings of being used, deceived and betrayed. Sometimes, the separation marks an escape from an abusive relationship. Other couples vacillate between living separately and reuniting many times over.

Because each situation is unique, couples will arrive at very different solutions about their post-separation arrangements. What is important is what works for them. This is the creative part of the process and involves each individual taking responsibility for arriving at a solution that will work for both the children and the parents in the long term. Despite the uniqueness of each situation, we know there are certain modes of interaction that are better than others in helping to establish a firm foundation for ongoing cooperation. This cooperation is vital when children are involved in the separation.

Over the years I have worked with many people going through the experience of separation and it is clear to me that there are many common themes and struggles in people’s experiences. In particular, people’s beliefs about marriage and the way they construct the reasons for their separation seem to shape how they respond to their former partner in separation. Many people are caught up in the same cycle. It is only when they take a closer look at those beliefs that they are able to change their attitudes and begin to work in a more cooperative and creative way with the other parent. The scenarios in this book reflect these people’s stories. They highlight particular themes but none bears any detailed resemblance to real individuals.

I owe a debt of gratitude to the many people I have seen for allowing me to witness their struggle and for teaching me much of what I now know about the subject. Most importantly, they taught me that, once the path of separation has been embarked upon, parents have to leave their intimate relationship in the past and not allow it to influence their future parenting relationship. This is easier said than done. It is very hard to put aside one’s emotions and not let them affect how we behave towards the other parent, now and in the future. Also, people change after they separate. While for some parents the change might be positive for their parenting relationship, for others the change has a negative impact. Parents therefore not only have to cope with emotions from the past, but also emotions that may have their roots in the present.

They also taught me that we must search for solutions that work in the long run for all family members—children, mothers, fathers and grandparents. It is not good enough to make one family member the scapegoat and exclude them from the family. They taught me that solutions that seem to work for children, ultimately also seem to work for parents.

Far from separation and divorce meaning that it is all over, they showed me that it can be a transition towards a new way of relating that preserves relationships for children and the wider family. They also taught me that children can tell us more about what they need than we often give them credit for, but that it is important not to overburden children with too much responsibility for decision making. Once children have begun to recover from the initial impact of their parents’ decision to separate, they often come up with solutions that surprise their parents.

Finally, they taught me that, in those families where domestic violence and abuse have been significant issues, we must search for different ways of resolving matters. Cooperation depends on building trust and confidence in each other as parents and this is often not feasible in such situations. While it is usually in the interests of children to maintain a relationship with both parents, there are some important exceptions. Where there is continued violence and abuse, and children fear a parent, it is important to assess the wisdom of further contact. Safety issues are important. Children may be reluctant to see a parent because of past experiences which have left them fearful. Their fear may be the result of direct violence or abuse towards them or it may be a consequence of witnessing violence towards their mother. Sometimes mothers need protection, and contact can be an opportunity for the father to continue harassment and intimidation.

We touch on issues of violence and abuse in this book but the main focus is on building cooperative parenting. It is advisable for parents and children who are trying to sort out a safe separation to seek professional help to assess levels of safety and future possibilities for family relationships.

2

Creative parenting after

separation: Does it matter?

Agood starting point for exploring why it matters to have creative parenting after separation is to look at what researchers are saying about the impact of separation and divorce on children. As we look at this research, we come to understand why it is worth experimenting with creative ways of redesigning traditional parenting relationships after separation.

In the last 30 years, we have seen a steady growth in this type of research. As with much social research, there are no simple answers. In his book Men, Mateship and Marriage Don Edgar points out:

whereas the early work on divorce effects on young children used small samples to prove that one-parent families caused delinquency, crime and teenage pregnancy, the better work of later years compared them with children from ‘intact’ families. It showed that children, whether from intact or divorced homes, who experienced parental conflict were damaged. It also showed many divorced families could be better off and their children could thrive. But this was often distorted to justify divorce as a good thing.¹

Separation and divorce have varying effects on families so it is difficult to talk about them as all good or all bad. Sometimes, separation helps to resolve an unbearable relationship