Book Five in the Rhine Maiden Series

by Erin Evans

Rhinebows and Unicorns

Copyright Erin Evans 2013

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For Pippin (2003-2013)

My inspiration for Harvey

I miss you, little guy!

Prologue

Mark, I said in a choked voice, "I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while. I’m so sorry! You have no idea how sorry I am! I never should have lied to you! I’ve wanted to tell you the truth. I’ve even tried to tell you the truth before, but I always either chicken out or something comes up and stops me.

I know, I know, it’s not an excuse. I’m going to tell you everything now, from the beginning. I have to start there so you’ll understand. And if you’re too mad and you want to leave me, I understand. I don’t want you to go! I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t keep lying to you like this. Just know that I did it because I love you, and I was scared that you would stop loving me if you knew the truth.

I am a Rhine Maiden. It’s crazy, I know, but somewhere, way back in the past, my great-great-way-great grandparents were kind of like sirens. They were magical beings who could command humans into obedience through the power of their Voice. Remember the story of Odysseus? How he stuffed his sailor’s ears with wax and tied himself to the mast so that he could hear the sirens’ song? Well, those were sort of like my relatives.

I have this ability. It’s a Voice I use on people to make them obey me. I swear I’ve never … well, I’ve only used it on you once or twice! I promise! I found out about it in college and I did a lot of horrible things with it. And then I met this guy who turned out to be a vampire and it scared me so bad that I swore I would never use my Voice again. And I didn’t! I met you and we got married, and I never used the Voice on you or on the kids! I did use it on Harvey so he wouldn’t pee in the house, but I don’t think that counts.

But yeah, vampires are real. And so are werewolves and dragons and a whole bunch of other creatures. They’ve all gotten together and formed kind of a political group that protects all of their secrets.

They made me join too. It was either join and gain protection for all humans or they were going to start harvesting people like cows, because here’s the really crazy part, and I swear I’m not making any of this up, they thought we were going to be under attack by aliens.

So, in order to protect you and the kids and everyone else on the planet, I lied to you a lot and joined the United Supernatural Beings and was the de-facto representative for all humans on the planet. I still kind of am, but the aliens aren’t a threat anymore.

You see, when I joined the USB I found out that Sarah was also a Rhine Maiden. She has a different ability. She can change people’s memories. That’s why we’ve been getting along better recently. We’ve had to work together in order to stay alive and to keep everyone we love alive. That sounds melodramatic, but it’s true.

We did some work for the USB and then the whole ‘alien threat’ that they were worried about happened. The alien landed on the moon and I had to go up there–long story–but it saw me using the Voice on the other beings up there and assumed I was in charge and so it kind of attached itself to me.

I don’t know if you remember when my sister Karen came and stayed with us for a while out of the blue? That wasn’t Karen. It was the alien. It can look however it wants and it took that image out of my brain. It was going to call back to its home planet and tell them that we were ripe for subjugation, but … this is weird … I convinced it that Earth was an okay place to hang out and it decided that it really likes cake a lot and if humans all became mindless slaves to the alien empire that there wouldn’t be a lot of cake making going on.

I also convinced it that it couldn’t go around looking like my sister so it took another image from my brain and that’s why Leo looks like you-know-who. It’s not because he’s a Trekkie. It’s because he’s really an alien.

I know this stretches the imagination, but bear with me. Earth didn’t get destroyed. Well, it did get destroyed, but I was able to change time … better to just ignore all of that. The main point is that with Leo as my BFF, the USB had to back off and let us alone for a while. Which was good, because there’s this group of angry witches who are really torqued off at me because I stole this ugly statue from them.

Oh … yeah, I kind of skipped that part. The WAND is a group of witches, not humans who practice witchcraft, but witches. They’re a different species from us, and they really don’t like us. Me in particular.

But what I’m trying to do is tell you the truth about everything. I can’t stand lying anymore. Like when I went up to the beach house with Sarah last summer. Leo didn’t understand about birthday presents and he brought a genie to Megan’s party and she gave Megan a wish. When we were up at the beach Megan used that wish to turn her and Cassie into mermaids. I spent the whole week working out a way to change them back before you joined us. It was not a relaxing vacation, let me tell you!

Oh, and Cecily … she’s a vampire. I know, I know! Vampires are scary, bloodsucking monsters and all that, and yeah, some of them are, but not Cecily. She’s … she’s just Cecily. And she’s saved my life more times than I can count.

Which brings me to the current batch of lying that I’ve been doing. The pony next door? A unicorn. A really dumb one. She can hide her horn when she remembers, which is why you’ve never seen it, and she looks really cute, but she hates anyone who’s not a virgin and I’m sure she’s going to skewer someone one day, but Megan and Cassidy love her so much I don’t have the heart to shoot her. At least not when they’re watching …

So, I’ve lied and lied and lied and I know there’s no reason for you to trust me now, but I promise you, I am done lying."

I reached forward and brushed a lock of hair away from Mark’s face. I love you so much, I whispered. Please come back to me! If you come back I promise I will tell you the truth about everything, no matter what happens next.

Mark lay there on the bed, still unmoving, only the slight rise and fall of his chest letting me know that he was still alive.

Chapter One

I froze in surprise, a foot half raised, cradling my little son in one arm like a football and holding an assortment of burp cloths, baby toys, and an empty wipe box in the other. I stood like that for an eternity, just staring into the kitchen. I simply couldn’t believe my eyes. I was not seeing this.

There, in the middle of the kitchen, my kitchen, was a unicorn drinking from the sink.

Oh, no you don’t! I hissed quietly. Mark was still sleeping in the room behind me, and while Crystal (named by Megan and Cassidy) was capable of looking like a Shetland pony when she wanted (or remembered), it would still be hard to explain why our neighbor’s pony was in our kitchen drinking from our faucet.

The horrid creature turned and gave me an evil glare. Now I understand that most people are under the impression that unicorns (especially small, fluffy, white, adorable ones) are sweet, gentle animals. What they are forgetting is that, for some odd reason, known only to unicorns, the little beasts only like virgins. Everyone else can enjoy being skewered on the end of their pearly horns.

As a mother of three, I hardly counted in the virgin camp. Crystal and I had a love/hate relationship, heavily weighted towards hate. She put up with me since I was obviously important to Megan, Cassidy, and Daniel, all of whom she adored with a passion that made religious maniacs look tame. Unfortunately, her brain was the size of a pea, a small pea, and I couldn’t count on her always remembering that I was not to be kebabed.

She swung her horn towards me and stamped one tiny hoof on the tile floor. I did what any reasonable, thinking, loving mother would do when faced with a dangerous animal while holding my baby. I held Daniel out in front of me as an improvised shield.

Instantly the red glint in her eyes disappeared and she looked ready to roll over and beg to have her tummy rubbed. I glared at her. I was not swayed by the silvery sheen of her white coat, or the adorable way that water was dripping out of her silky beard. Moreover, I did not want to run my fingers through her mane and scratch that hard to reach place behind her ears.

Out! I said firmly, pointing at the back door.

She whined and pranced a couple steps closer to Daniel. He was entranced and let out a little squeal. I glanced nervously over my shoulder. Mark had the ability to sleep through anything that sounded like housework in the morning, but I didn’t want to chance it.

Out! I said again.

She was close enough to gently rub her furry cheek on Daniel’s chubby leg. He let out another delighted noise.

I narrowed my eyes. Listen you little four-legged goat, I hissed, you had better get your furry behind out of here before you-know-who sees you or you’re toast!

Crystal cocked her head to one side in a look that said Who’s going to make me?

Fine, I said, that’s how you want to play it? Fine! No Megan and Cassidy for the whole day!

Crystal looked puzzled. I was pretty sure she only understood the words, No, Megan, and Cassidy, but didn’t know how they went together.

I gave up. Reasoning with a unicorn was only slightly easier than trying to reason with a brick wall. I covered Daniel’s ear with one hand, pressing his other to my shoulder. I didn’t want him to hear this.

Out, I said with the Voice, and of course, Crystal obeyed. She turned and trotted happily out the back door and off the porch.

I’m risking immortality for this, I said sadly to Danny, cuddling him up close to my face for a kiss. He gave me a huge toothless smile and drooled some spit-up on my shirt. I dabbed at it with the burp cloth and then laid him gently down in the pack n’ play that was set up in the center of the kitchen.

I looked out the window. It was early. The sun was just starting to creep up over the horizon and a certain person who was probably just getting ready for bed was going to get an earful first. I picked up the phone and hit speed dial.

Piper! Cecily greeted me with a yawn. What’s up?

You left the side gate open again, I accused her.

I did not! she protested. Your daughters must have left it open yesterday afternoon when they left!

Since this was, by far, the most likely scenario, I decided to ignore it and move on. That pest was in my kitchen this morning!

Cecily had the gall to laugh.

Drinking from my sink! I added, offended.

"I didn’t leave your back door unlocked," she pointed out smugly.

No, I gave in, the little beast has magical powers.

I don’t think there’s anything magical about being able to open a door.

There is if your legs are chopped off at the knee, I said darkly.

Cecily let out another yawn. She just wants to be around the kids, Piper, she wheedled. It’s not that hard to understand.

Can you imagine me trying to explain to Mark why your ‘Shetland pony’ was in our kitchen? I asked tartly.

I have the perfect solution, Cecily reminded me.

No, I said.

She really likes your girls.

No, I said again.

"If she was your ‘Shetland pony’ she might behave better, Cecily insisted. She could see the girls whenever she wanted!"

Our zoning doesn’t permit it. I used the same line that I told Megan and Cassie every time they asked why Crystal couldn’t live in their backyard.

I live next door, Cecily said dryly.

Who can understand zoning laws? I answered loftily. Sometimes they divide property up in odd ways.

Right. Cecily yawned again. Is that all? I was about to go to bed.

I gave a yawn of my own. Danny was sleeping through the night, but I was still beat and he was an early riser.

Sorry, I apologized, I was just frustrated. Have you found anyone to take her off our hands yet?

Nope, was the same answer I got every day. No one seems to want a small unicorn.

I sighed.

"There was one person," she said thoughtfully.

Really? I was hopeful.

Yes. But I think he wanted to cut off her horn and grind it into powder to make aphrodisiacs.

If she’s in my house again I might consider it, I said grimly and hung up to the sounds of Cecily’s merry laughter.

We had found Crystal the previous summer masquerading as a Shetland pony at a circus, and somehow she had managed to insinuate her way into our lives. When I had sent her to live with Cecily I certainly hadn’t thought that she would still be here four months later! She was a unicorn for crying out loud! Surely she had magical, unicorny things to do. But no, she had stayed … and stayed … and stayed.

Cecily was fed up with her. Magical or not, cute or not (and vampires are very rarely swayed by cute), endangered or not, she was still just an animal. Slightly smarter than a dolphin, maybe, but she still couldn’t use a toilet, or make her own lunch. I sighed. Sort of like my kids. Having two in diapers was no picnic.

:Piper: a voice said in my head.

I looked down to see Bastet twining between my legs. Yet another magical creature that had decided to stay on for a bit. I fully expected to wake up one morning and find that the Egyptian goddess had moved on, but so far no such luck. She and Otis, my large orange tabby, were still as thick as thieves.

Sure enough, Otis joined her in the leg rubbing, adding his deep rumbly purr that meant, You love me. Feed me.

Yes?

:There is manure in the living room: I was told.

I rolled my eyes. Cut off her horn? I was ready to feed her through a wood chipper.

Thanks, Bastet, I said dryly.

:We do not think that barnyard animals should be allowed in the house: she said regally.

I gave her a steely look. "So you talk to her about it."

Bastet yawned. :Unicorns are sub-magical creatures. We do not communicate with them:

Figures, I muttered under my breath. Daniel let out one of those grunting baby noises and I instantly smiled. We were now past the fussy at night stage and were entering the phase where he slept like an angel and was constantly smiling and happy.

I picked him up. Who’s the cutest little boy in the world? I asked him. He smiled and tried to stuff his hand in his mouth. That’s right! I cooed. You are!

I caught a whiff of distain as Bastet stalked out of the room, Otis close behind; my nose caught another earthier aroma. I laid Danny down in his play pen and grabbed up the paper towels.

There was manure in the living room, in little hard-packed clumps that had come from inside a hoof. You’d think a creature as special as a unicorn could learn to use a boot scraper, but noooo …

I cleaned up the mess and looked at the clock. Six-thirty. Daniel’s crib was currently set up in our huge walk-in closet, which had made feeding him in the middle of the night easier. But now that he was sleeping through the night it meant that as soon as he started to stir my milk would let down and I’d have to get up.

With my first baby I’d quickly realized that there were all sorts of things that they never told you about having babies. I had assumed that people forgot. They forgot that their ankles swelled up to the size of watermelons. That pregnancy weight takes forever to come off. That sleeping like a baby actually means that you grunt, snort, cry, and flail around in your sleep every five minutes. And that (surprise!) having someone latch on to your nipple when you’re all engorged hurts like the dickens!

I’d thought that the joy of parenting erased all these unpleasant aspects from our minds the older our children got. Now I know that people don’t tell you about these things because they don’t want to scare you from having kids.

I, myself, tried to forget as quickly as possible how much I hated breastfeeding. As soon as Cassidy was fully weaned I’d managed to delete all memory of engorgement, cracked nipples, awkward public moments, and uneven boobs. Yes, uneven. Nothing says sexy like a C cup on one side and a D cup on the other.

Silly me. I’d so totally brainwashed myself that I’d actually had visions of gently rocking Daniel in a glider chair as we bonded through the beauty and nutrient-giving power of breastfeeding. Ha. What usually happened was that I settled down to nurse, tried to get him to focus as Megan and Cassidy ran wildly around the room making distracting noises, sprayed milk everywhere as he jerked his head to watch some toy go flying by, yelled at the girls to go away and play somewhere else, finally got him to latch on and suck, and then I would hear a crash from the other room followed by screaming and crying. Relaxing? Hardly.

Still, breast milk is the best milk. If I wanted my child to be intelligent, good-looking, successful, healthy, and kind to others, I had to breastfeed. Or so the experts imply. One wonders, how do they know these things? What if the breastfed child was just naturally healthy while the formula one had sickly genes? Was it really connected? Was I going to take the chance? Sadly, no. Which brings us back around to why I was up at an ungodly hour of the morning.

On the bright side, I had time for a shower.

Mark was still asleep when I stepped out of the shower. I had moved Daniel to a bouncy chair where he was happily trying to force his wildly flailing hand to grab the toy hanging above him. He stopped and stared up at my towel wrapped hair.

It’s still me, I assured him.

I stuck my head out the bathroom door and listened. Megan and Cassidy were either fast asleep or were getting into serious trouble that required absolute silence. Harvey looked up from where he was lying in front of the door and gave me a double tail wag. I bent down and scratched him behind the ears.

I checked Mark’s alarm clock and saw that he’d forgotten to turn it on. Hey, hon, I shook him gently. It’s seven-fifteen.

Okay, he mumbled, eyes still closed.

Time to get up, I encouraged.

I’m getting up, he said, not moving.

I decided to leave him and go check on the girls. Being a stay at home mom meant that deciding what to wear in the morning was easy. Jeans and a t-shirt. Especially the t-shirt. It doubled as a burp cloth. I had decided that since I was going to be covered in baby spit all day wearing something nicer was just asking for needless frustration. Baby horked up a gallon of curdled milk on your shoulder? No problem. Just throw on a new t-shirt. (I did have to remember to sniff my shoulder before Mark came home. Otherwise he would wrinkle his nose when he hugged me and say, What is that smell?)

I put Danny back in the kitchen play pen and headed to the girls’ room. Someone streaked across the hallway and slammed their bedroom door. I frowned. Streaked was the correct word. The little girl in question had been buck naked.

Please, oh please let that be Megan! I pleaded quietly. Megan was potty trained. Cassidy was not.

I opened the door. Megan was still sleeping peacefully in her bed. Cassie’s bed was empty. Empty except for the large wet spot in the middle that had soaked the sheets, the comforter, her blankie, and part of her pillowcase. Oh good. I’d hate to only have to wash part of her bedding.

Cassidy! I whispered. Where are you?

I found her full diaper lying in the middle of the floor. At least it wasn’t dirty. I picked it up and wrapped the sides around to secure it. Some people might get squeamish at the thought of touching other people’s urine. Not mothers. We’re just glad that it’s not poop. And when it is poop, we’re glad that it’s not vomit. And when it’s vomit we’re glad that it’s not all over our clothing. And when it’s all over our clothing we’re just glad that ummm … our kids are alive and breathing and that we get to be a stay-at-home mom instead of having one of those tough jobs where you have to sit at a desk and type away at a computer all day. (Maybe that’s not fair. There are many jobs that are far more demanding than being a stay at home mom. I’ve often thought that doctors and nurses should be paid more. I really don’t like cleaning my own children’s bottoms. Can you imagine having to do that for an adult stranger?)

Cassidy! I hissed. There was a giggle from the closet.

I peeked in and found her hiding in the corner.

Boo! she laughed trying to take off running.

Why are you naked? I asked quietly, grabbing her arm before she could escape and tiptoeing out of the room.

I don’t know, she shrugged.

I shook a finger at her. Don’t take your diaper off!

I got undressed! she said proudly.

Yes, I agreed. Don’t do that. It’s bad.

Okay, she said.

I pursed my lips and gave her a look. She had agreed too easily. That meant that she really had no clue what we were talking about. I tried to be clearer. Kneeling down in front of her I waved the diaper in her face and pointed to her naked nether regions.

"Do not take your diaper off. I decided to add the go-to sentence most used by parents. Don’t touch!"

No touch, she agreed.

She danced a little on her toes and I quickly decided that getting a clean diaper on her was more important than communicating with her at the moment. Now, a first time mom would instantly run a nice warm bath and thoroughly clean off their little angel. A third time mom grabs the nearest box of wipes (one in each room) and gives a quick cleaning.

New diaper on, dressed and in her highchair eating cheerios, I crept back into the room to strip the bed and throw everything in the wash. Megan managed to sleep through all of this. She must get her sleeping genes from her father who was also managing to sleep through all of this.

I peeked in at Mark. Yup. Still sleeping. Intellectually I knew that he worked hard to provide for the family, that he loved me deeply, and that there were tons of things that he did to help out around the house, but at the moment I couldn’t think of any. I was feeling rather like the house drudge who cleaned, cooked, and babysat. Well, two of those anyway. Okay! One and a half! A drudge who babysat, cleaned occasionally and was really good at ordering take-out.

Mark! I yelled. Time to get up!

He didn’t move, but Daniel started fussing in his playpen. I ground my teeth together and went to pick him up. So much for romance. I could remember the days when Mark and I would get up together, get a shower, and enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee as we sat on the back porch and talked about how much we loved each other. Now it felt like we were roommates with benefits.

I gently bounced Danny up and down a bit on my shoulder and was rewarded with a loud burp. Looking at the clock I realized that it was time for him to go down for a nap. Mark had gotten up and into the shower when I came out.

I knew I was just tired. Late nights and early mornings can do that to a person. I loved Danny