Introduction

Do you have a challenging child—or two, or more? Maybe they have had an official diagnosis, like ADHD or LD. Or maybe you are still trying to determine the cause of your child's challenges.

Maybe I can help you.

My husband and I started our homeschooling journey with some trepidation, but also with the confidence that we would eventually get the hang of it. After lots of normal trial and error, we hit our homeschooling stride. Our first two kids were good readers and excited learners. Teaching them was effortless and joyous.

My confidence level was so high that I even had the audacity to write books about my experience. I wanted to share my success with others, and the Lord allowed me the forum and the medium through which to do so.

Little did I know the challenges that lay ahead!

Our third child was difficult to raise from the beginning. When she arrived in our home via adoption at five months of age, she had a large bald spot on the back of her head—an indication that she had been allowed to lie alone for much of those first few months. Still, we believed that love could conquer all, so we set about to fill up her love quotient.

She blossomed into a sweet toddler, then zoomed into difficulty in the preschool years. She presented discipline and behavioral issues that challenged us. When she turned school age, we sought professional help. We first learned that she had ADHD, and later received the professional opinion that she also had a learning disability.

Those few years shook our confidence and caused us to rely even more strongly on the Lord. We learned many lessons about the real heart of homeschooling as well as about ourselves.

Then came our son—child number four. After handling three sweet girls with some success, we asked the Lord for a boy. He also arrived via adoption at five months of age with lots of self-confidence, a loving heart, and a little boy's enthusiasm! Having a little boy in the house after so many years of solely girls was like driving a Mack truck into the living room! No, I don't think he is hyperactive. I believe he is a normal, healthy, curious boy who daily amazes me with his capacity for wonder! However, many who meet him believe he is hyperactive, and some of the behavior strategies we use with him are the same as for ADHD kids.

Webster's dictionary defines a challenge as anything, as a demanding task, that calls for special effort or dedication.¹ Raising children in itself is a demanding task, requiring the best of our energy and creativity. But what happens when it does not go smoothly? Are you a parent for whom the bumps in the road of parenting and homeschooling seem insurmountable? Your task will take that special effort and dedication, but I assure you that it can be done. There are creative solutions to the challenges you face.

A challenging child may be the strong-willed child. Maybe you have tried all the current strategies to manage their behavior and are at the end of your homeschooling rope. Day-to-day life with a strong-willed child is difficult enough, but when homeschooling is added to the mix, the challenge may become overwhelming. Rest assured that many other parents have hometaught these tough kids and have lived to tell about it. There are proven strategies and approaches to bring out the best in these children.

A challenging child may be the one whose personality does not mesh with yours. She rubs you the wrong way, every day, all day. Can this relationship grow closer? I believe so. Even a strained, distant parent-child relationship can experience the redemptive healing of Christ's touch. You must simply be willing and prayerful, and equip yourself with knowledge about personality types and what motivates each.

I don't like labels, but I have learned not to fear them. Getting a professional diagnosis can be a blessing because it may explain years of struggle and resolve doubts about your ability to parent the challenging child. I also will discuss when professional intervention is desirable and how to begin to look for help.

Homeschooling is tough, hard work and requires large doses of patience. We live in a society obsessed with speed and immediacy. We want fast food, fast service, and drive-through answers. Unraveling the puzzle of your challenging child involves tenacity. You'll need to persevere in spite of what appears to be overwhelming odds. Searching for answers involves courage as you take risks to try a different approach to helping your child.

Are you facing extra challenges beyond how to teach phonics? Let me share my experiences as well as the collective experiences of other homeschooling moms who teach challenging children. It can be done—and done well!

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

—Anonymous

CHAPTER ONE

What's Your Challenge?

When Homeschooling Does Not Go Smoothly

Success is the ability to go from

failure to failure without losing

your enthusiasm.

—Winston Churchill

Something was very wrong. Despite two years of intensive phonics, my daughter still laboriously sounded out each letter, often mistaking one for another. By the time she reached the end of a sentence, she was so exhausted from her effort that she did not remember the point of the passage. For example, she would read the word ball in the second line but could not remember the same word in the fourth line.

Yet there were many wonderful, positive aspects of her development. She could tell elaborate stories with twists and turns and delightful predicaments. Sometimes I would write them down and read them back to her, much to her delight.

In hands-on activities, like those of science and history, she could recall and narrate much of what was covered, and she displayed a real depth of understanding.

Except on a bad day. On a bad day her memory was extremely challenged, and she was highly distractible. One fine winter day she sat looking out the window at the lightly drifting snow, crying her eyes out. When I asked her what was wrong, she said the snowflakes were bothering her, keeping her from doing her math.

We became caught up in a cycle of failure and negativity. Because I was blind to what was really going on, I characterized all her difficulty as an issue of character and discipline. If she wasn't following instructions, I disciplined her to build the character of obedience. If she couldn't keep focused on her studies, I disciplined her to build the character of self-control. I was so consumed with disciplining her and building her character that I lost sight of the fact that she was a unique, wonderful creation of the Living God.

After one incident of a supposed character lapse, I spanked her. As was often my practice, I followed the spanking with a prayer that went something like, Dear Jesus, please help Gracie to obey. Hardly skipping a beat, my precious child prayed, Dear Jesus, please help Mommy to not be so mean.

Was I being mean? I didn't think so. My husband and I looked at this as another chapter of baby Boot Camp, our playful name for times of intense training of the children. When things were getting slack or attitudes were slipping, we would enter into a training time where we focused most of our time and energy on the issues at hand. However, it seemed that this particular child was in perpetual baby Boot Camp!

When there is more than one child in the family, it is common to play the comparison game. My two older children learned to read easily and effortlessly—when they were ready. After my first child, I had learned to wait for readiness. Back then, as a new I've-got-something-to-prove home-schooling mom, I had tried to teach my first daughter to read at two and a half. She wasn't interested. I tried again at three and a half; she still had no interest. I tried at four and a half—she humored me a little but still wasn't ready. By about five and a half she pretty much taught herself. My second child, on the other hand, practically came out of the womb reading. These first two children were also strong in their academic work and could concentrate when it was required (they could also play and goof around with the best of them when they weren't working).

Then along came this third, challenging child. Parenting her added incredible strain to our little family. Every step of the day was a battle. Whether it was getting her to pick up her socks or pick up a reading book, she was ready for a fight. It was exhausting, and my other children often felt neglected.

In my heart I wanted to believe that she was just going through a phase or an interminably long growth spurt. Parents often use this explanation to console themselves when their child's behavior perplexes or annoys them. It is comforting to think that something is a phase because it implies that it will someday come to an end. I desperately wanted to believe this. It calmed my fears about her behavior—the tantrums, the moodiness, and the oppositional behavior. As for her intellectual development, I reasoned that she was on her own timetable. If it was an issue of readiness, I felt I could wait graciously for maturity. What I could not fathom was the forgetfulness, the moodiness, and the tantrums.

My husband and I began piecing the puzzle together with observation and research. We sought creative answers to troubling questions, beginning with our own meticulous observations. Armed with this detailed information, we then sought a two-pronged evaluation.

First of all, at the end of her second grade year of homeschooling, we contacted our local school district and requested a complete evaluation for learning disabilities. There is a divergence of opinion among home-schoolers as to the wisdom of this practice. The Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA), for example, is against any type of public school intervention. Others advise parents to pursue a private (and potentially costly) evaluation. We, however, felt confident going to the public school because we knew many of the professionals in our school district. In addition, we were firmly aware of our legal right to do whatever we wished with their findings. We could follow their recommendations and accept proffered services, or dismiss them and seek our own path. (The process to pursue a formal evaluation will be completely covered in chapter 10.)

Why not wait for readiness? Dyslexia expert Dr. Sally Shaywitz writes:

The apparent large-scale underidentification of reading-disabled children is particularly worrisome because even when school identification takes place it occurs relatively late—often past the optimal age for intervention. Dyslexic children are generally in the third grade or above when they are first identified by their schools; reading disabilities diagnosed after third grade are much more difficult to remediate. The brain is much more plastic in younger children and potentially more malleable for the rerouting of neural circuits. Moreover, once a child falls behind he must make up thousands of unread words to catch up to his peers who are continuing to move ahead. Equally important, once a pattern of reading failure sets in, many children become defeated, lose interest in reading, and develop what often evolves into a lifelong loss of their own sense of self-worth.¹

After a medical and optical screening, we pursued the second prong of our evaluative process—an extensive evaluation by a private child psychologist for ADHD. This entailed a lengthy questionnaire completed independently by both my husband and myself, two office visits for our daughter, and two office visits for us. At the end of the process, we felt this psychologist had an accurate view of our family life.

In the final analysis, our daughter was deemed to be a fairly routine case of both LD (Learning Disabled) and ADHD (Attention-Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder). Although she did not exhibit the hyperactive component of ADHD, we learned that there is an equally powerful spectrum of the disorder characterized by inattentiveness, moodiness, and lower energy behavior.

Armed with this information we implemented some creative solutions, and now our daughter is flourishing! We wish we had grasped the bigger picture when we first experienced problems. It is my prayer that this book will be a part of that bigger picture for you in your struggle.

So, what about you? What does your challenge look like?

Carrie in Arizona realized the depth of her situation when her son experienced emotional outbursts that were inappropriately timed and a vast inability to sit still. This led her on a journey to seek her own family's solutions.

Deborah from California noticed that her son would act very frustrated and angry when he could not accomplish things. It was not typical anger, but seemed so out of the ordinary that it alerted her to some deeper issues.

Kris in Illinois knew early on that her daughter had auditory processing issues because she was not talking at the age of two and had trouble understanding what people said to her. With this early awareness, Kris sought help, and her daughter is faring well with continued intervention.

Karen was first directed to her son's challenge when she realized he had no interest in anything language-related. We tend to like to do the things we can do well, she observes, and avoid the things we don't do well. If your child has an intense aversion to reading or math or some other pursuit, it may be attributable to the fact that they are not processing that information well.

Sometimes it is necessary to challenge an official diagnosis. Sherri's son was referred for testing by his first grade teacher. The school quickly labeled it ADHD and suggested Ritalin right away, she shared in a survey for this book. But Sherri was not satisfied with that dismissive diagnosis. She continued her own research and determined that her son had central auditory processing difficulties. She concludes, It was not ADHD and Ritalin would not have helped him.

Perhaps you are the parent of a child who is challenging you with her behavior. Learning is not an issue, but you cannot teach a child who will not listen to you. Deborah from California shared my experience, saying of her daughter, She's been a challenge since she was born! If discipline is your challenge, take heart because there are solutions.

Another mom I know is very happy with workbooks and filling in blanks. Her son, however, is a classic kinesthetic learner. She struggles with meshing her teaching style with her child's learning style. This can be the source of tremendous frustration for the homeschooler. Debbie in Texas is a wise woman who has learned to work with her child's bent and not against it. Here is her story:

I first became aware of my child's differences when one of his teachers in Mother's Day Out told me that while every one of his friends would sit and color or glue, he refused to do these things. He might do just enough to please his teachers, but no more. So, I began to try these activities at home. I would ask him to color or draw, but he wanted no part of it. The way I handled this was to completely quit trying to engage him in school. After I accepted the fact that he was not interested in the traditional school-type activities, the pressure was off of both of us and he began to learn!

Both the parents' and child's personality style and type are significant factors. In my own home, I am a driven, strong personality. I must remember that control and accomplishments are not the goal for every human! There are people who are content to seek peace and to smell the roses along the way. The way to motivate their type of personality will differ greatly from another personality type.

In addition to uncovering some personality and discipline strategies, our focus in the remainder of this book will be mostly on learning issues, not physical issues. A child who is blind, deaf, or otherwise physically handicapped is well beyond the scope of this book, as is Down Syndrome or other severe handicaps. This volume is written for the homeschooling family who is experiencing learning roadblocks and is seeking knowledge and guidance to navigate them.

Is Homeschooling Legal?

As an attorney, I often am called upon to answer questions about various aspects of the legality of homeschooling. Plain and simple, under the protection of the First and Fourteenth Amendments of the Constitution, you have the same legal right to homeschool your learning-challenged child as you do any other child. Some states may require more accountability from you, and their regulations may be more stringent. It is a good idea to research your state law thoroughly before you begin home-schooling any child. You can check your state's requirements by contacting your local state or county board of education or the Home School Legal Defense Association (see resources section).

In homeschooling circles, you may hear the admonition to steer clear of accepting evaluations or services through the public school district. If you choose to avail yourself of special services through the school district, you may be subject to subtle or overt pressure to enroll your child full-time. Rest assured, you are completely within your rights to homeschool him and say a polite no, thank you to their suggestions. In my case, we were able to work out an extremely productive and satisfying arrangement for tutoring that has been an enormous blessing for us. Not every family is so fortunate.

If you decide to approach the public school for assistance, be advised that your own attitude and approach will help determine the level of satisfaction you feel at their response. Some parents storm into the principal's office and demand that they receive special services because, after all, they are taxpayers and their homeschooled children don't receive any benefit from their heavy tax burden. Such an attitude will only alienate the school staff and may put you further away from your goal—that of finding an appropriate diagnosis and approach for your child. It is better to use a calm and gentle approach and express appreciation for their assistance and cooperation. The old adage that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar applies here. The homeschooler who wishes to be treated with respect by school authorities often must be the first to extend that respect.

Is Homeschooling Best?

As parents of children, challenged or not, we want the best for them. All children need love and support, and a challenging child's needs—both emotional and academic—can be far more intense.

Children who learn or act differently may experience self-confidence and self-esteem issues as they continue to notice their differences. While homeschooling is not the answer for everyone, it can shelter your child from some destructive situations. If your child is already in the special education system, bringing him home also may bring healing for damaged emotions. One mom noted that she was in special education when she was a child. Walking to the resource room while the other children remained in the regular classroom was lonely and humiliating. Homeschooling her child was her answer to spare her child that feeling of humiliation she felt under those circumstances.

Children also are spared the brunt of comparison and competition that is rampant in the classroom. Homeschooling allows us to practice selective socialization, apart from the pain and ridicule of school. We can help our children nurture friendships that are God-honoring and respecting of individual differences.

Most of us, unless we ourselves were homeschooled, have this notion in our minds of the public school experience: lines of neatly arranged desks with children sitting still, listening intently to the teacher and being actively and busily engaged (at varying levels) in the process of being educated. That, however, may not be reality for your child with a learning challenge.

Their brain is telling them, Move! Jump! Twist! Turn! All of their energy is being expended toward that goal. Their brain may be nearly constantly engaged in a rapid-fire mode with mixed, garbled messages—much like a person talking to another person on a walkie-talkie, but on different frequencies. A message comes through, but it is all static noise. Or, the words are understandable, but there are several people talking on the same frequency.

Adjustments need to be made. Think about the old black-and-white television sets that had horizontal and vertical controls to get the picture clearer. Often it took only a slight turn of either of the knobs to get the picture to stop rolling or to take out the vertical or horizontal lines that distorted the true picture. Similarly, making an adjustment in your child's learning environment or your teaching approach may be the key to him having a clear picture. But it takes time and one-on-one attention.

A classic classroom environment with perfectly aligned student desks simply can't give your child the one-on-one attention that is possible in the home. If your child is in school and struggling, consider how much time you spend helping with homework. Have you ever wondered why all the work can't be completed during the school day? Often it is because the child needs additional one-on-one time or practice with a concept. When you homeschool, you eliminate homework because it's all home work! If you have helped a tired, cranky, challenging child with homework, rest assured that you will be able to handle homeschooling this child.

Consider also the tremendous benefit of flexibility. You can strengthen the weaknesses and teach to the strengths (a maxim that will be more fully fleshed out in chapter 9 when we talk about planning your program). In addition, you can use materials on many grade levels instead of learning lockstep with the rest of a school.