APRIL 4, 1855, MALDEN, MASSACHUSETTS

EACH POUNDING FOOTSTEP moved Lee closer to a fate she knew was waiting for her. She had run this path from Mr. Pyne’s blacksmith shop to the Hillside Home for Boys for more than six years; however, today, she would give anything to run the other direction. She knew she had broken a rule and that she was going to be severely punished for it. There was no way to get out of it because she had turned in the evidence herself. She could only hope that her secrets would remain hidden.

Her young charges would be waiting for her just around the next curve and she wasn’t going to let them know how she felt. She had to set an example of what a young, educated reliable boy should be. It wasn’t always easy to fool them. Soon, they appeared sitting in the emerging grass watching for her. She knew that these ten weary six to ten-year-old boys had been hard at work that afternoon digging and planting the new spring vegetable garden and that they would be ravenous.

Slowing down to catch her breath, she prepared to meet the familiar onslaught as the boys ran to meet her. She managed to stuff her dangling shirttail into her waistband and jam her cap into her back pocket before they reached her.

It’s good to see you’re all in such high spirits, she said, ruffling the hair of the boy nearest her. Are the carrots sprouting yet?

Ah, come on, they chorused. En’t had time.

She made a quick check of their hands and faces. Wow! Everybody’s so clean you’re sparkling. How’d that happen?

Teasing was good for them and Lee enjoyed their reaction as they punched each other and giggled their way into the dining room.

The late afternoon sun cast its waning light into the large double doorway as Lee and her boys joined the other hungry and fidgety boys trooping into the building. A welcome breeze blew in through the tall open windows but it did little to refresh the exhausted children or to ease the all-too-familiar tension hanging like a shroud over the room as thirty boys took their places behind their chairs.

Lee scrutinized her boys as they impatiently waited for their supper. They were so young and vulnerable but wanting to be tough like the older boys. They had been thrown into a hard life by circumstances beyond their control, just like she and all the boys in that room. She often wished these young ones had a better way of life than she had, but she had survived so far and so would they.

You’re a good-looking bunch o’ bucks, Lee whispered from her place at the head of the table. Now, just keep quiet and you might even put a smile on Mr. C’s face when he comes in here.

Oh, sure, the boys muttered.

His face’d crack to pieces if he smiled, Toby said under his breath and a wave of stifled giggles ran the length of the table.

Lee glanced at the doorway where Jonas Carver stood scrutinizing them like a vulture on a bare tree branch. A surly arrogant man of fifty-five, he held his six feet straight and tall as a pine tree standing guard over its saplings.

Sh’up, Lee hissed.

Mr. Bellamont, Mr. Carver bellowed. Control your charges if you want any of them to receive their meal.

Deadly silence filled the room. No one was willing to give up a meal for a few seconds of nonsense. Lee had impressed on her boys many times that, as the youngest of the orphans, they ranked at the bottom of the list in the order of things.

If you do somethin’ to make Carver yell at me, you can bet I’ll find some way to pass it on down to you.

She had never had to make good on that promise and she was glad because she wasn’t sure what she would do. She really liked her charges and they seemed to like her, too.

When she became a monitor, she had explained to them that they were inmates in an asylum and, as its owner, Mr. Carver, was their warden. She added that all the boys hated being there but, since that’s where they found themselves, they were coping the best they could by sticking together and helping each other as much as possible.

Satisfied that everything was in order, Carver tapped his cane on the floor and six uniform lines of boys filed toward the kitchen to pick up their filled plates and return to their tables. From across the room, Lee caught a glance from her best friend, Cal. They exchanged looks of shared disgust.

The noisy scraping of chairs on the wooden floor grated against Lee’s already chafed nerves as the boys took their seats at the three long tables crowded into the otherwise bare room. Lee knew her boys would sit quietly once they started eating. Too often, they had seen a plate of food whisked away from a boy who dared utter a single word.

As she ate, Lee stared out the window and noticed buds forming on the oak and maple trees, a sure sign that winter had given way to spring. It was much like the day she and her mother, Charlotte, first arrived at the Home. It was spring and Lee would never forget the tightness that wrapped itself around her heart that day. She was only five years old but could still remember the frightening impression left by the entrance gate with the devil’s face staring out of the black cast iron. I am a boy. I am a boy, she whispered to herself as Charlotte pushed their way through the opening. She grasped Lee’s hand as though to draw courage from her, but Lee was too young and too frightened to have any courage to share.

Now, Lee glanced around the room and realized how deeply ingrained her life had become in the overall life of this group. There had been a day when successfully fooling them had been challenging. In time, she found that she no longer played at being a boy. It felt so natural. She no longer felt different. This was truly her world.

Only the scraping of metal spoons against metal plates broke the silence inside the naked walls of the dining room. Mr. Carver moved among the tables in a staccato quick step, occasionally tapping a boy’s back to make him sit up straighter. He hesitated behind Lee’s chair and said gruffly, Remember. My office.

Like trained soldiers, the boys concentrated on eating and finishing in the fifteen minutes allowed. Each boy rinsed his dish, spoon and cup in the pan of water at the end of the table and returned them to the kitchen to be ready for breakfast at five o’clock the next morning. Then, following a rigid routine, all the boys less than fifteen years old shuffled to their rooms to study for an hour before dropping on their cots, exhausted. That hour was free for the older boys who worked full days and no longer attended classes. Carver encouraged them to read from his selection of books in the orphanage library but, so far, he hadn’t made it a requirement.

Lee liked to read but there was something dearer to her heart for that valuable hour at the end of the day. Every free time they were given during the past eight years, she and Cal had raced each other down a path into the woods behind the orphanage to a specially selected pine tree. It had become their private place where they challenged each other to games of mumblety-peg or marbles and laughed at their own made-up jokes. For the past year, however, they spent that time mostly sharing their thoughts.

Today, Lee would be late. After cleaning up her dishes, she went to the office exhausted and wishing to get this over with as soon as possible. She stood waiting. Her fears were confirmed when Mr. Carver stomped into the room and slammed the door behind him.

Mr. Bellamont. Look at me when I speak to you, Jonas Carver ordered, his voice filled with controlled fury.

That was impossible for her to do. The prickly end of a wayward strand of hair was burning her eyeball and she was unable to blow it away.

Look at me!

She took a deep breath and shifted her gaze to the angry round eyes glaring at her from across the desk. The stubborn hair was causing her eye to water and an unwanted tear ran down her cheek. He would think she was about to cry and she couldn’t let that happen. She took a chance and swiped her sleeve across her forehead, pushing her hair out of her eye and drying her cheek at the same time.

Did I give you permission to move?

No, Sir.

The air in the room was stifling, and tension hung like a curtain of dense fog inside its walls. There was a tempest brewing beneath the tightly drawn skin of Carver’s face. The set jaw, pinched brow and flaring nostrils indicated there was a switching in his mind for sure.

He continued through pursed lips. Although you are a heavy burden on me, I have allowed you to live in my orphanage because your mother is our cook. That in no way exempts you from the rules the other boys are required to obey.

How many times had she heard these words over the past ten years? Many, many!

Lee stretched her five-feet five-inches as tall as she could and tried to follow Mr. Carver's face as he paced back and forth behind his desk. The threat implied in the constant tapping of the birch switch against his rigid palm sent a shudder down her back. Shifting her feet to steady herself, she felt sure he would strike her to the floor.

I told you to stand still.

Yes, Sir.

Lee had been in this spot before and recalled her mother's words following the last switching she had received. Lee, I have nowhere else to go; nowhere to take you. You must follow his rules, like them or not; otherwise, he will send us back to begging in the streets.

Since then, Lee had obeyed Mr. Carver's every command until this week and that was why she was in his office at this moment. She had grown up believing she had to prove herself by being tougher than the boys and she would be tough now. Knowing how much he would hate it, she stuck out her chin and stared into his eyes.

You have a bright mind for learning, so I taught you to read and to work with numbers. You are strong, so I found you employment as a blacksmith's apprentice. There are many boys out there eating garbage and sleeping on the streets who would die for a benefactor such as I. The slap of the switch against the desktop bit sharply into the air like a snap of lightning on a dark stormy night.

Mr. Carver stepped around the desk, thrusting his head forward until his face was inches from hers. I should not have to remind you, young man, that your entire week's wage is to be given to me. I found only one dollar in your envelope this week. He took a deep breath and screeched, What did you do with the remaining half-dollar? Where is my money?

Gasping at the foul odor attacking her nostrils, she held her breath. The wide brown stripes on the wallpaper behind his head began to flow in waves before her eyes.

I lost it, she said, unable to hide her contempt. He wasn’t aware of her mother’s illness but he wouldn’t care anyway. She wasn’t about to tell him she used the money to pay a doctor to come treat her mother. In all her years under Carver’s reign, she had never seen him show a sign of sympathy for anyone.

Rage rumbled across the room, rebounding from its walls and gathering in the hand grasping the wicker switch.

You thief, he roared. Bend over and grab your ankles. That will be ten strikes today.

That was four more strikes than he had ever given Lee, or any of the boys. She braced herself for the inevitable pain. She knew better than to try to escape the blows. The switch had come down on the middle of her back once, and she had vowed never to endure that again. There were no tears and no sound from her throat, which angered him all the more. The slender rod struck ten times.

Get out, he gasped.

CHAPTER 2

THERE WAS NO way Lee could have raced Cal after that switching. The roughness of her pants shifted across the welts on her buttocks with every step as she eased her way between the giant pines to where he was stretched out waiting for her. It would have helped to go directly to her room and sit in some warm water and Epsom salts, but she wanted to see Cal. This was the best part of every day when she could be alone with him and bask in his nearness. The warmth that surrounded her heart when they were together in this secluded place was getting more intense all the time. At the moment, however, that warmth was desperately competing with the pain in her backside. She dropped to her knees beside him onto a thick soft bed of pine needles and drove her palms into the ground, straining against the painful throbbing. She felt no shame or humiliation because most of the boys had experienced the switch, but there was a hatred that grew deeper every time she or any of the boys were beaten.

I guess Mr. C really gave it to you, huh?

Ten strikes.

Holy bageebees. That’s more than he’s ever given. He musta really been mad.

Oh, yeah. He was. He thinks I stole fifty cents from my pay and I guess I did. I took it to pay Dr. Simon to come see my mother. I told Carver I lost it.

What’s the matter with your mother, if you don’t mind my asking?

Haven’t you noticed how pale ’n thin she’s getting?

Cal shrugged his shoulders and mumbled, Yeah, but I thought she was just tired from all the work she does.

She en’t been feeling good for a long time, and I finally just told her I was getting the doctor in to see her. She sure put up a fuss about it.

Why?

She’s scared that if Mr. C finds out she’s sick, he’ll kick us out.

She’s probably right. He’s mean enough to do that.

Course he is. He musta been born in a briar patch and he’s still feeling all those prickles. My mother thinks something really awful happened to him and now he hates everything and everybody. Lee dropped to her stomach, wondering if she would ever be able to sit down again.

How’re you gonna run the race Sunday? He’s hell-bent on ‘his boys’ winning for him. Don’t know how he expects you to run with sores on your butt. Cal irritably scratched behind his ear.

Oh, he’s probably already forgotten about the switching. He’ll make me run. They’re only welts. I oughta be okay enough by then.

She spoke with more confidence than she felt. She found that when she gave problems a positive twist, she could handle them much better. She had received that bit of wisdom from her mother who had gotten it from the small Bible she kept under her pillow. She read aloud from it to Lee every night before they went to sleep and then she would pray. It helped them both to get through the next day and to keep their secret, which had been very hard to do at times. Sometimes she wanted to share this with Cal but never found the right time.

Cal sat up and locked one leg over the other, angrily flicking an ant off his shoe. Someday I'm gonna kill that old son-of-a-bitch.

You wouldn’t! Lee protested.

Guess not but I’d like to. He thinks he's done so much for us but he's beaten us and starved us into submission and made us feel like we're nothin’ more than a blight on the face of the Earth.

But if he didn't keep us, we'd be living with the rats and filth in the streets.

He counts on us believing that. Cal hurled a rock at a tree, missing it by inches.

Well, it's true. My ma and I know what it’s like out there. Cal, she grew up in a wealthy English family and had good schooling and learned good manners. When she married my da, her own da disowned her. That’s what he did!

Why would he do a thing like that? Cal asked, angrily flicking pine needles with his thumb and middle finger.

"Because he was some kind of a bigwig in the Church of England. My da is a Catholic from France. By marrying him and becoming a Catholic herself, Ma disgraced the family name. My grandfather said that was unforgivable."

Gee! What an awful thing to do.

He sent them off to America without even knowing Ma was gonna have me. He didn’t want them around to embarrass him. Lee’s eyes grew distant as though searching for something lost in her mind. I en’t ever seen my da.

Except for the twittering of a pair of birds above them, an unusual silence fell between them.

Breaking the silence, Cal asked, Why en’t you ever told me all this before?

Didn’t think you needed to know. Don’t really know why I’m telling you all this now, but that’s the story of my life so far, Lee said quietly into her hands while crunching her knuckles as she often did to relieve her tension.

Do you know what happened to your da?

No. He’s out west somewhere. Ma thinks he’s dead ‘cause he promised to come back and get her, but he never did.

Then I guess you two really are grateful to Carver.

Sure, but don’t get the idea he’s been nice to us. He needed someone to work for him and, believe me, he’s been demanding and mean. Ma puts up with it cause she don’t have a choice.

Cal studied her face with a puzzled look. You must look like your da.

Why do you say that?

Because you sure don’t look like your ma. I always wondered why but I never thought it was important enough to mention. Since we’re talking about all this, I guess I’m curious again, Cal said, nervously rubbing the spot behind his ear.

Yeah, I know. I’ve looked in the mirror and wondered why my hair is brown and hers is kinda reddish and wavy. My skin’s lighter than hers and I don’t have any freckles on my face like she does but, I’ve always figured I look like my da.

Lost in thought, they looked at each other and smiled, not exactly the kind of smile a buddy gives to a buddy but a smile that spoke of something deeper, something hidden. They each turned away, knowing that something had just happened between them. Cal jumped up and leaned his back against a tree and stared into the darkening woods behind them.

The pounding inside Lee’s chest overcame her pain in her buttocks and she turned her head away from him as a flush raced to her face. She buried her head in her bent elbow. What just happened? She had to get hold of herself. She took a deep breath and swallowed hard and looked up at him. He was still looking away, his face flushed. She had to change the subject. She had to get beyond this moment. It couldn’t be real.

You en’t gonna tell about that fifty cents, are you? she asked in a voice that betrayed her in every way.

Carver won’t hear it from me, he said, his voice strained. I’ll tell you one thing, though. He's done that to you for the last time. Saying this, he turned to look at her.

I don't need protecting, Cal. I’ve always taken care of myself. Leave it alone, she said with a firmness that surprised Cal.

Her arms were falling asleep so she eased herself onto her back and stared up at the patches of darkening blue peeking through the branches of the tall pines stretching so confidently above her. She brushed the wayward hair from her eyes revealing to Cal their stunning green depth. In an instant, his pleasure turned to shock and a fierce red flush filled his face again.

Blast it, she said. Why are you starin’ at me that way? Stop it.

I can’t. He searched for words but couldn’t find good ones so he stammered, Lee, what the hell? You… you… you’ve got b-b-breasts.

A weight hit her chest, crushing the breath from her lungs.

What the…? Oh, damn.

She looked at herself and saw what he saw. She had been so emotionally involved in their conversation that she hadn’t felt her binder shift but there it was, across the top of one breast, just enough to reveal the secret she had kept for ten years. Cal, her best buddy for all those years and the one she had grown to love, now knew what she was. She could see the chaotic state of bewilderment that had overcome him.

She rolled away from him and gingerly got to her feet as the pain in her buttocks intensified. Her face burned with humiliation and the heat of it made her dizzy. She had been blushing a lot when she was around Cal but this was a fire she had to put out soon. She reached under her shirt and pulled the binding back in place, fully aware that he was staring at her.

With the binder in place, she continued facing away from him. She would have to say something soon but her feelings for him were out of control. He would walk away and hate her for her deceit. They would never share their buddy thoughts again. How could they? A deep chasm had come between them.

She couldn’t remember when she first noticed the depth of his brown eyes, or his perfect mouth that always seemed to be smiling at her and now, what was she going to do? It had taken painful discipline not to show him how much she was attracted to him and the thrill she felt when he smiled at her unexpectedly, and the smile they had just shared before she rolled over. They had been boys together for so long. The two of them had climbed trees, dug for worms, played marbles, raced, been in trouble and, recently, they had talked about girls. Now, she didn’t think she could ever talk to him again.

Cal stared thoughtfully at her back. Although he was shaking, he had taken control of his emotions and knew one of them had to break the silence.

Lee, he said. Turn around and look at me.

I can’t.

I know you’re embarrassed but so am I. A lot. Shocked, more than anything. I gotta say, I never once dreamed you were a-a-anything but one of the boys.

You can’t even say it, can you? I’m a girl. A girl—not one of the boys. I can hardly say it either. I’ve been one of the boys too long.

Okay, I’ll say it. You’re a g-g-girl. There, I’ve done it. Now, we’ve gotta look at each other and we’ve gotta talk about this.

He touched her arm and she slowly turned toward him.

So, what do we do now? You gonna turn me in?

Never.

I don’t know what to say, Lee said, staring at the ground.

I don’t either but I’ve had some things on my mind for a long time and I think this is a good time to talk about them. He took a deep breath and the words tumbled from his mouth as though Lee would get away before he could get all of them said.

We've grown up together since we were little kids and we’ve been best friends for years. I thought I knew you but I guess I didn’t. His words caught on the lump in his throat when his emotions tried to regain control but he continued.

Lee tried to turn away but Cal took her arm and pulled her back. Don’t. Just listen to me. I need to tell you this.

But we have to get back before we’re missed, Lee argued, revealing the fear that had taken hold of her.

We still have time.

Lee hesitated and Cal took advantage of it.

I’ve been wondering why your voice hasn't changed and why you’re not getting that soft fuzz on your face. And it’s always seemed like you had to try harder than everybody else, like you had to prove something and, he hesitated, your face is too pretty for a boy.

Cal caught his breath and shifted his gaze to the ground as though something there could help him choose his next words carefully. He bent down and picked up a handful of pine needles, staring at them as he let them run through his fingers.

I'm glad you're a girl, he said, barely breathing. Relieved is the word, actually. I've spent a lot a sleepless nights worrying about why I like you so much more than just a buddy. Sometimes at night, I can’t get you out of my mind and it‘s been getting scary. I was getting very anxious to leave here and stop thinking so much about you.

Lee buried her face in her hands to hide the fresh flush burning there. She shook her head in disbelief. Now it was her turn to tell him about the nights she had lain awake listening to her mother's labored breathing and thinking about him, longing to tell him who she really was. She wanted to tell him how her heart raced when she saw him in the morning, at suppertime and here at their pine tree.

I’ve thought about you, too, Lee whispered to the ground beneath her feet. Her charade had gone on so long that it was difficult to unveil her thoughts. She was a boy and she thought like a boy. She raised her head and dared to look at him. Hesitantly, she added, I thought being best friends would be enough but now I don’t think so.

She cupped one hand under the other and crunched her knuckles to keep her hands from shaking. A bird flew noisily from a branch sending a pinecone to the ground nearby while Lee concentrated on the area around her feet. Cal waited. She began to talk again, deciding to look at him.

I’ve pretended all these years and I don’t know how to unpretend. Lately, I’ve been wondering who I really am. I don’t think I know. How am I gonna fit into the world out there when I leave here? Look at me. I’m wearin’ boy pants and shirt and these are sure not girl shoes. I’ve never worn anything else. Good grief. Can you see me in a dress? I’m sixteen in a few weeks, and then I’m on my own out there in a world I en’t seen except as far as the Boston Common. The whole thought of it scares me to death. Lee was shocked at her sudden candor but she was finding it easier to open up.

Dr. Simon says my mother is dying and can’t last much longer, maybe only weeks or days. She don’t know I know. And that scares me too. It’s just been the two of us and soon there’ll just be me. Saying the words aloud put a reality to her mother’s dying that hadn’t been there before and a deep well of sadness filled her. She moved to a tree and leaned against it to keep herself from falling in a heap. These last few moments with Cal had become desperate. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. She’s my mother. She’s my life. Her eyes moistened but she couldn’t cry. She never could cry.

Eyes filled with compassion, Cal reached for her hand. I'm really sorry, Lee. Truth is, I’m overwhelmed for you. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through all these years but you’ve sure done a good job of foolin’ us. I wanna help you but I don’t know what I can do. Cal hesitated, taking in the sight of her just as he had always seen her. You’re right. I can’t see you in a dress but I’d like to, he added and squeezed her hand.

The warmth from his hand flowed into her and filled her. You can help by keeping my secret and all of what I just told you.

You can count on me. You know I’m out of here on the sixteenth of this month. My uncle cuts off my trust then and like Carver says, ‘no pay, no stay’.

That don’t give us much more time together, Lee said. Feels weird holding hands. Guess we can’t let anyone catch us at it. The thought brought a chuckle to her tight throat.

That would cause some buzz among the boys, Cal said, his eyes twinkling mischievously. It sure feels strange but I like it. I could get used to it.

I don’t know how a girl’s supposed to act when a boy holds her hand. It’s kind of embarrassing even though I like it, too.

I en’t never been around girls either but maybe we can explore this new stuff together. What's your real name?

Lisa, she whispered.

Lisa, he repeated in a voice choked with emotion. He felt her hand tremble along with his own. It was too much to grasp all at once. It would take some time.

Remember, you can’t call me that while we’re still at the Home. You might forget and call me Lisa in front of somebody else. Ma always calls me Lee, even when we’re alone.

Okay, but just until we leave here.

We’d better get back. Let’s hope the old man isn’t waiting for us.

They said good-bye and Lee headed to the back door leading to her sleeping quarters. She looked back for an instant to wave but Cal was gone. She slipped quietly up the stairs to her room, wondering if this was all a dream. Tomorrow, she would know if it were true.

Breathless from her encounter with Cal and the anxiety that came with it, she leaned against the door and closed her eyes, waiting for her heart to slow down. It only took a few minutes for her to realize that the room was exceptionally quiet.