MARRIAGE & FAMILY LIFE

A Christian Perspective

by

Dr. Stan E. DeKoven

All rights in this book are reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any

manner whatsoever without the written permission

of the author, except brief quotations

embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Copyright © 2016 Stan DeKoven.

All rights reserved worldwide

Print Edition ISBN 9781370775125

Published at Smashwords by Vision Colleges

PO Box 84 Macquarie Fields

NSW, 2564, Australia

Ph 02 9603 2077

Fx 02 9603 3277

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Ph 02 9603 2077

Fx 02 9603 3277

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Dedication

Author’s Foreword

Preface

Section I

Foundation of the Family

Definition Of Marriage

Biblical Goals For Marriage

Old Testament View Of Marriage And The Family

Jesus' Teachings On Marriage

Marriage And Family In The Early Church

Instruction Regarding Marriage And The Family

Marriage In The West

Changes In Family Life

Maturity For Marriage

What Is Love?

What Makes A Good Marriage

Sex In Marriage

Problems In Marriage And How To Solve Them

Guidelines For Today

Section II

The Family

Changes In Families

Practical Principles In Christian Parenthood

Entering Your Teen’s World

Discipline

Adolescence And Family Life

Television In The Home

Communication In The Family

Communication In Marriage

Conflicts And Their Resolutions

Section III

Special Concerns

Self-Image: Developing A Christ-Like Self-Concept

Divorce

Fellowship Is The Better Way:

What Can We Do To Meet The Needs Of Singles?

Senior Citizens And The Family

In-Law Relationships

Scriptural Principles In Financial Planning

Section IV

Counselling The Troubled Family

The Right Heart

Helps In Family Counseling

Parent-Teen Relationships - What Do You Think?

Family Evaluation

Family Meeting In Session

Listening To Others

Marital Intimacy Check-Up

Marriage Goals

New Covenant Principles

Covenant Agreement Husband And Wife

Section V

Glossary Of Terms

Books To Aid Parents In Their Task As Sex Educators

Books For Teen-Agers And College-Age Young People

Bibliography

Abbreviations Commonly Used For The Books Of The Bible

Endnotes

More Books By Vision Colleges

Vision Christian College

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DEDICATION

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First of all this book is dedicated to the many loving parents who have been role models of love and affirmation, beginning with my very own Mom and Dad.

In addition, I would like to dedicate this book to the many families that I have had the privilege of ministering to in the course of my work and training as a Pastor and a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Finally, I would dedicate this book to the vast family of God, to whom I have had the privilege of being sent in years past. The Family of God and the families of mankind are both miraculous and awesome to behold. Let me close my dedication with this final thought from the heart of the Father.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will. To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the Beloved. (Ep 1:3-6)

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AUTHOR’S FOREWORD

Many times our studies will help increase our intellectual knowledge, but they do not always impact our individual need to grow into maturity and become the total human beings that God intended us to be.

This book is specifically designed to encourage and help the reader to fully engage in the task of learning and growing in the knowledge of the development process of Christian families.

A fundamental premise of this book is that the best kind of learning occurs when the student is actively involved in the process of learning.

The best education consists not of simply knowing, but of becoming; that is, becoming all that God created us to be.

The format of this book briefly examines the external structures of family life throughout the cycle of human existence, from a Christian perspective. It also teaches the student how to communicate and interact in more conscious, deliberate, and constructive ways. He or she can then become more fulfilled in his or her intimate relationships. The natural family and the family of God are the most dynamic institutions formed by God. They are worthy of deeper understanding. My hope is that both understanding and the wisdom to apply what is learned, will be a natural outgrowth of this work.

Stan E. DeKoven, Ph.D.

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PREFACE

You cannot teach, what you do not know!

You cannot reap, where you did not sow!

You cannot lead, where you will not go!

-UNKNOWN-

For me to say that families are very important to God would be quite an understatement, but in today’s fast paced and rapidly changing social currents, the health of both Marriage and Family is coming under ever increasing amounts of pressure. The term Family Values is being thrown around rather loosely in today’s popular culture and the societal definition of that term varies from one group of individuals to another. Discussions of what is a real family versus what isn’t have caused many people’s personal views to become blurred and twisted, as to what their own personal responsibilities are or should be within the family.

God knows everything there is to know about families because he created them! He indeed, knows how to make both marriages and families function to their greatest and highest potential. Since he alone is the only truly original Father, he has a vested interest in seeing that every one of his family fully understands the greatness of his plan for The Family. God’s answers to this generation’s difficulties in the arenas of Marriage and the Family are the answers we can count on to produce the love, intimacy and joy that were his original intent when he initialized the very first family.

In Dr. DeKoven’s book on Marriage and Family Life, God’s answers to mankind’s family problems are related in detail. From foundational issues to practical applications, the pastor, student, and professional counselor will find substantive, scriptural and Spirit anointed direction for those in need. For those in difficulty; solutions will be made clearer than ever before. For those already in successful marriages and good families; growth, insight and enrichment of intimacy will improve that which is already good. For those who counsel and comfort the wounded; sensitivity, insight and personal empathy will enable them to better affect healing in the lives of the broken. It is my prayer that God will use this text to maximize both your family and his Family.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them who are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." (2 Co 1:3-4)

By: Dr. Jason Guerrero

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SECTION I

MARRIAGE FOUNDATION OF THE FAMILY

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INTRODUCTION

The Broken Circle

I was twenty-one years old when my beautiful bride and I took that long walk down the aisle of the church. We were both so very excited to finally make official what we were completely sure. We were made for each other, forever! I still get heart palpitations of joy when I look back at that marvelous event.

One of the most touching parts of our ceremony was the exchanging of our rings. The minister recited to us the symbolic significance of this act. The ring symbolized our never ending love and devotion to each other. The circle of love which was never to be broken. Never!

Well, that's the way it was meant to be. Though we have had our crisis times in our marriage and family, both have happily survived. Yet, so many of our friends' marriages have not. Though many Christian couples state the same vows as we did, for all too many, the eternally pledged circle is broken. But why?

In the United States today approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce, (Christian marriages are only 12% better), thousands of children are abused physically and sexually, wives are battered, children run away, over 6,000 adolescents annually commit suicide, and families disintegrate. The pressures of our world are immense and most difficult to cope with. Even in our churches we are confronted with the "besetting sins" (He 12:1) that destroys the circle that was to be unbroken.

Over the past few years, it has been my privilege to work with many families who were at their breaking point. There has been a renewed interest amongst secular and Christian circles alike to at least recognize and acknowledge the immensity of the family breakdown. As impressive as the statistics of divorce, abuse and self-destruction may be, there remain mixed views amongst the church of Jesus Christ as to how we should approach the wounded or broken family. It is apparent that something must be done to stem the tide.

Structure of this Book

This book has been developed for easy application. To ensure a progressive flow, the book is organized on the principle of first things first. That is, the reader should begin as God did, with the creation of man, the expression of his purposes, and the foundation of relationships - marriage. This comprises Section 1 of this book.

Section 2 focuses directly on family life, especially parenting, beginning when the first child emerges on the scene. Family life in the western world has become increasingly complex, rife with potential pitfalls. These will be discussed in light of scriptural principles. Every family is uniquely constituted. Thus, the challenges that each family faces are equally unique.

In Section 3 special concerns that may be faced in family life are developed. This is followed with a bibliography and glossary of terms that will prove valuable for further research and information.

The final section is written with some trepidation. I will attempt to present some fairly complex information on counseling troubled families in a simplified form. Essentially, my hope is to provide the Christian and professional with a counseling model to assist in understanding, diagnosis and treatment of the symptoms of marital and family dysfunction at a beginning professional level. This is by no means a comprehensive approach, but a broad strokes application of therapeutic techniques and models that have been helpful in my counseling ministry. It is not a substitute for advanced clinical training.

This book is written as a teaching/training tool for pastors, counselors and church leaders who desire to be a part of stemming the tide and providing a new foundation. It is the author’s assumption that a major function of the church is to rebuild the walls of people’s lives and to repair the breaches or broken places (Is 58:12).

To repair or restore the broken places takes knowledge and wisdom. The knowledge required has to do with the intent of the original builder. Since God is the author of the family, and his word is the manual containing the foundational plan, we must seek his plan and purpose first. Wisdom speaks of the application of God’s principles to the exact areas of need, with grace, mercy and love.

Every man and woman called to marriage and family life has a supreme desire to be successful in this life long endeavor. The circle of life is to be unbroken, and to ensure greater success there must be a thorough understanding of God’s plan.

Let me illustrate.¹ It was about three a.m. when the phone rang. As I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, I listened intently to a story that I have heard only too often. Late the evening before, a rather well known member of a local church had been arrested. He was being held in custody for alleged sexual abuse against some children in the same church. The pastor knew all the principle parties very well, and felt caught. He could clearly sense the outrage of the parents of the children who were abused. He was concerned for the children’s welfare. He also experienced a sense of outrage at his friend, a man he had ministered to and fellowshipped with, who had allegedly committed this horrible sin.

He also remembered the Christian commitment of Mr. Jones. He must be terribly frightened, and what about Mrs. Jones? What response would she have? Finally, he had so many questions regarding his own response. What would his church think? What would the Lord do? Excellent questions. Difficult answers!

After I got over my own feelings of shock and anger, (Why me, Lord? I really needed some sleep!) I began to explore with this very caring and sensitive pastor some of the options that he and the church might exercise. I have since found that the options we explored together to be typical of most evangelical churches, and have listed them in their most often used order.

1. The Ostrich Approach is to:

Bury it and hide. Pretend as though it didn't happen. Think of the harm that could come if anyone found out. My old friend, Gary Juleen, once told me of a certain pastor's fears about exposing problems in the church. He likened it to the picking up of a rock. When you do so, the bugs start crawling out! Better to keep the rock where it is the pastor stated (and the inherent church problems) than to expose people's problems (for fear of the repercussions). Let's not let anyone know. We don't want anyone to be hurt.

Unfortunately, this was the approach that the local church board (who overruled the pastor) used to deal with the problem. The results were devastating for Mr. Jones, the family involved, and for the church as a whole.

2. The Cancer Approach is:

Mr. Jones has obviously sinned grievously, guilty until proven innocent! The thought is, If we continue to offer fellowship to him, the results could be devastating. We must cut him off and give total support to the victims only.

This would certainly be a better solution than option #1. This option does eliminate the problem in a hurry. In a hurry is right! Usually it is a hasty decision made out of fear. The use of this option offers much needed support for the victim. It is direct and decisive. But what about Mr. Jones? Where is the compassion he needs? Yes, perhaps he has sinned. But in spite of the ugliness of this type of sin, God continues to love Mr. Jones, and desires to restore him. There are probably legal consequences for his action. Yet, he still needs restoration through the body of Christ.

3. The Healing Community:

Mr. Jones indeed had sinned in a most destructive and despicable fashion. The sexual abuse of children in our society is one of the leading causes of emotional problems in adults today. The church is not exempt from this sin, as we are just now becoming aware. Yet, even in the case of this type of sexual crime and sin, there are some basic principles of operation that we must exchange in order to fulfill our responsibility in Christ.

a) First, we must confront the situation head on. We must know the facts as best we can. Yet, we must do so with an open mind.

b) Second, if possible, we must talk with the responsible parties, offering comfort and support, motivated by love. Although Jesus never excused sin or the sinner, He was willing to love and pardon. Each individual needs to be heard and offered clear opportunity for restoration through repentance.

c) Third, we must keep all communication confidential, and where necessary, squelch rumors and gossip. There is a natural human tendency to want to know all the details.

d) Fourth, we must offer continued ministry from the church so that continued restoration might occur. This could include ministry in areas of victim assistance (church support for needed counseling, etc.) and prison outreach. Whatever we do, when one of our own is wounded, even if self-inflicted, we must be willing and able to bind up their wounds and allow healing to occur. We must not shoot our wounded!

Most of our churches today are ill prepared to handle such emergencies which will inevitably happen within the family, and the family of God. Few churches have trained laity or pastoral staff who can help in times of real crisis. Yet, it is in the time of crisis that we are most open to the love and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. We as his people have been left with the responsibility of ministering to the family when they are between the rock and the hard place. I have often felt that, it is precisely there, between the rock and the hard place that the love of Christ, carefully and judiciously applied, can most fully and completely "…heal the broken hearted and set the captive free" (2 Co 5:18, 19). The Lord has charged us with his ministry of reconciliation. Are we willing to take a stand for him?

The Family Crucible

Carl A. Whitaker, M.D. and Augustas Y. Napier, Ph.D. wrote an excellent book on troubled families called THE FAMILY CRUCIBLE. They very ably describe the many forces, interpsychic and societal, that tear away at the very fabric of the family. Today, we see thousands of Christian families, members of the body of Christ that is his Church, torn apart by forces which are often misunderstood. The Church has a tremendous opportunity to assist the troubled family and strengthen the body of Christ if we can learn to recognize the causes and potential cures for family distress.

To ignore the extensive nature of this problem should be as an anathema as it is to ignore that all have sinned. It is my hope that all Christians might be fully equipped to minister to those who are in a time of intense need, to those who are in the family crucible.

Scripture: Mt 25:34-40,

Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: For I was a hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink; I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee a hungered, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

The purpose of this section is to educate, inform, and hopefully strengthen the Christian family by presenting basic marriage and family counseling principles from a biblical perspective. It is our premise that the judicious application of biblical principles on marriage and family life will bring honor to the Lord, strengthen family life, and increase the quality of life for each individual. The enemy of our souls has for too long had the upper hand in undermining the fabric of family life. It's time the church and the people of God begin to erase that trend. For we "can do all things through