Row Di Ho Ho

An unedited NaNoWriMo

By

Ansible Merkin

Copyright © 2010 by Ansible Merkin

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in a newspaper, magazine, radio, or television review, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Author or the Publisher.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, situations, faeries, or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Chapter 1

I was born amongst the dwarven elite, and I was born tall.

Lanky and stretching a height of just over four feet, I was an outcast. A pariah. A gentleman giant. I knocked my head against so many cave walls that my head grew lumpy. My nickname was Bunky, because that’s the sound my head made against granite when it burst open. They laughed at me. I was not loved. I left.

The final straw was when three of my compatriots all swung their pickaxes at the same time and hit my head in three different places all at the same time. A lesser dwarf would have had his head burst like a melon and died, but because of the thick callouses I had from bumping my head so much, the pickaxes merely stuck in my head like ornamentation. They all turned and laughed.

Bunky, you don’t fit in! You’re too tall to be a dwarf!

As I pulled the picks from my head, I had a frustrated flash of insight.

Why do we continually dig? I asked, unable to stop the bleeding. However, I managed to push my brains back in my head. What are we digging for?

This, of course, shut them all up. It was BLASPHEMY. No one questioned the unalienable right to dig.

We dig because we must, replied Bakin, the oldest of the three. We dig because we are dwarves. Surely you know this by now.

But we dig and dig and dig without any apparent goal. In fact, we dug so much we collapsed Mount Threlkell. This was a sore spot that was unconscionable to talk about, because a thousand dwarves died in that disaster.

Don’t you DARE talk of the dead like that, Bakin bellowed. Our brethren died for a good cause.

What cause? I never understood. We weren’t even digging for anything valuable. In fact, we accidentally created a new mountain pass that now allows the dworcs to cross over. Dworcs were the incidental spawn of several dwarves who, going well beyond their taste for dwarven women, farm animals, and humans, sought out the company of orc women. Their spawn grew nasty and quickly and began to overrun Lower Earth.

Nay! You shall not speak of this!Bakin purpled with rage and the others moaned in woe. Out! Get out, freak!

And thus I was expunged from my dwarven home without so much as shovel. Bakin could do this; he was 26th on the Council of Twelve. For a split second I thought to question that, too, but my head wouldn’t stop bleeding and I only sought medical attention. I dug a hole straight up out of the mountain – which promptly collapsed behind me, possibly crushing Bakin and his dumb dumb dwarves, I don’t know and don’t care – and left, seeking my fortunes elsewhere.

If I could first stop the bleeding.

Chapter 2

At first I was greeted with sunlight; bright and burning my eyes and my skin. I fell to my knees and screamed What have I done? What have I done? I scratched and clawed at my skin and ran forward, running into a tree – what we technically called craprock – and fell over. My eyes closed, I did the only thing I could think of: I dug a hole and stuck my head in it.

What have I done?? I sobbed.

Well, came a voice, it looks like you’ve banged yourself up a bit and then ended ass up in a bed of magnolias.

I fell backward, pulling my head out of the ground. Shading my eyes, I squinted carefully through my fingers to see who it was. A horse. In front of me was a shaggy horse with two horns growing out of the center of its head, one right behind the other.

I shut my fingers against the pain of the light. What are you?

The horse snorted with disgust. Why must it always be WHAT are you instead of WHO?

Well, because you look weird.

So do you. I’m not insulting YOU.

Okay, fine. WHO are you?

I’m a unicorn.

Okay, that’s the answer to WHAT are you, not WHO.

The unicorn was silent as he thought this over. Okay, point taken. That means I’m forever in your debt.

You are?

Yes. To prove a unicorn wrong means you own him.

But I don’t want to own a unicorn.

Too bad. You do now.

I really didn’t know what to make of this. I opened my fingers and looked out at him again. How come you have two horns?

He snorted in disgust again. It just happened, okay? It’s not polite to look.

So that means … you’re bi?

Excuse me??

You’re a bicorn.

Enraged, he snorted and stamped and whinnied and ran around in a circle.

I’m not bi! I am NOT bi!! I was born this way!!

Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you, I was just asking a question. I peeked at him again until my eyes hurt. I thought your kind kept to themselves and didn’t appear to anyone.

The unicorn stopped and seemed satisfied with my apology. I usually don’t. But you looked so odd storming around and running into trees that I had to have a laugh.

It was my turn to be enraged. I’m a dwarf! I can’t see! The sun is unnatural to us!

Aren’t you a little tall to be a dwarf?

So?

And your head is bleeding. Aren’t you a little worried about that?

Truth was, yes, I was a little worried about it. I was getting a little lightheaded. If was still underground, I could get my brethren together and sing our depressing songs of old, forgotten wars and bond with them, thereby healing my wounds. But they won’t accept me back, I’m afraid. Now I was sad. It suddenly hit me that I couldn’t go back and may die out here. I can’t go back and may die out here. I sat down. I’m a terrible dwarf.

Oh, now, don’t be sad, master, said the unicorn.

Master?

Well, you’re my master now. Like I said. You proved me wrong and now you own me.

I guess you’ll have to sit here and watch me die, then, I said. Will you bury me?

Sure, said the unicorn. But I don’t know how to dig a hole.

Ah. That’s something I can do, if I have the strength. I can dig my own grave. For some reason, the idea filled me with delight.

But you know, said the unicorn, there is one thing we can try. Among our special powers, we have healing magicks.

I was so surprised I dropped my hands and burned my eyes again. You can heal me?

Yes – our feces are a rich and potent source of healing magic, which is why we are constantly hunted down.

Wait – you want me to … what? Smear your poop on myself?? I think that’s exactly what he had in mind and he was already grunting horribly. I peeked through my eyes and he was hunched over, walking around in a circle. I – you know, I think I’m probably going to die before you pinch a loaf.

No, no, I can feel it. I just need to work it up.

That’s alright. You know, I think death is coming pretty quick –

Wait! I think I – He grunted and gave out a wheezing yell and I thought he was going to turn himself inside out. No, sorry, got nothing. Maybe if we go find some magic beans.

I didn’t know what to do, but I could tell that if I didn’t do something, I may actually die. And what the heck? I was suddenly friends with a unicorn whose name I didn’t know.

Rather, I was his master.

What did I have to lose?

All right, then, I said, rising to my feet, let’s go find some beans.

Chapter 3

I thought the stabbing pain in my eyes would never go away. By degrees, I blinked my eyes open and let the strong light of the sun in.

The bicorn sat and looked at me, shaking his head. Haven’t you ever seen the sun before?

No, I growled. I’m a dwarf. We live underground. We have no need for sun and weren’t made for this. My head throbbed. I wasn’t sure, but I thought maybe the bleeding stopped. I felt my head to see if my brains were still sticking out. Ow.

In time, I could see. The overground was a marvel of sights, sounds, and smells. We were in an area of low hills at the foot of the mountains where I lived. I had been overground many times, but only at night – I was told that the sun would kill me. Apparently, it was another lie.

My stomach gurgled. I hadn’t mushroomed in some time. If I went much longer without eating I would die, and I didn’t want to die on an empty stomach.

Well? said the bicorn. Are you quite ready yet?

Okay, fine, let’s go. Lead the way.

Me? You’re the master. You tell me where to go.

How am I supposed to know? I’ve never been here before.

The bicorn grumbled and his back legs kicked the dirt. Fine. But this is a violation of slave code.

You’re not my slave!

Yes! I am! Get over it.

I shook my head and he trotted forward.

The low hills flattened out and the trees thinned out. Birds chirped and fluttered from tree to tree around us. I had heard about these creatures in school, but never seen one. I found myself desperately wanting to eat one. A large black one cawed loudly and flew low and close to me. I leapt up to try and catch it.

Don’t bother, said the bicorn. You won’t catch them and they don’t taste very good anyway.

The bird cawed and flew past again. Now he’s just irritating me. Stupid bird.

As we walked on, the bird cawed and flew past two more times. By this time I had had it, so I devised a new strategy. I stooped down to fix my boot, and when the bird came swooping down I leapt up – and caught it!

The bird struggled and squirmed in my hands, but I held it in the grip of a dwarf who found gold. It wasn’t going anywhere.

The bird twitched its head from side to side and cawed at me. Look! I got it!

The bicorn turned and jumped back in surprise. Uh oh, he said, you shouldn’t have done that.

Why? I’m so hungry I’ll eat anything.

Birds all got each others’ back, he said, and now they’re coming after you! Run!

He turned and galloped at full stride, disappearing quickly over the crest of the next hill. I became aware of a cacophony of sounds around me and sure enough, a thousand birds were massing around me, circling my head.

I let go of the bird and ran. They chased me, those birds; they dive bombed, they pecked, they rammed, they pooped – I ran as fast as I could across the overground, stumbling as I went and after several minutes I was drenched in white bird poo. I fought back bravely, savaging the attacking army, but realized it was a losing battle. They pecked me in a number of places, sapping my strength, and eventually I fell to the ground.

The attacks stopped and I hoped they would let me live long enough for me to kill myself. But they weren’t done. I heard the flapping of wings above me and felt myself lifted into the air as my clothes tightened against me. Several of the larger birds clutched me in their talons and carried me aloft.

Oh no, I said, what are you doing? What are you doing to me?

The ground fell away from me. Terror seized me – I had never been so separated from the ground before. It was unnatural for a dwarf to be airborne.

Terrified as I was, I beheld and strange and beautiful sight. The mountains behind me, where I had my home, gave way to the hills below, and they to an open plain beyond. In the distance I beheld a forest and a river an awesome vista of Olympian beauty, miles and miles in all directions. For the briefest of moments, the terror gave way to the desire to go and visit all of it.

I had no idea what the birds had in mind, but they seemed intent on taking me somewhere. Please put me down, I begged. The wind grew cooler as they lifted me higher. Below, the hills gave way to rocky outcroppings and I heard the low rush of water on stone. A waterfall. A waterfall that ran over a stony sluice and fell more than a hundred feet to a small lake below.

Where are you taking me? I swear I’ll never try to eat a bird again!

As soon as they had me over the falls, they let go. I fell toward the rocks. They meant to dash me against the rocks, or worse, let me tumble over the falls.

Or was that worse. I didn’t know. I couldn’t swim, so maybe that was worse. I debated as I fell, trying to decide which was worse.

After a moment it was clear. I was heading for the rocks.

Stupid birds! I yelled. I’m going to find you and eat you!

One of the great things about being a dwarf, something the stupid birds couldn’t know, is that we were born among stone. We lived with stone. We slept with stone. We made love to stone. Stone was our ally, and after centuries of inbreeding, we were as hard as stone. We often fell from heights onto stone.

I am the stone, I whispered to myself as the rocks rushed up to greet me. I am the stone. I am the stone.

The roar of the waterfall filled my ears and cold spray filled my face as I slammed into the stone. I bounced against it and skipped down the rockface, hitting the stone several more times before plunging into the water. I was aware of the massive plume of water where the falls entered the lake, enjoying its primal beauty, before blacking out. Death, I remember thinking, death, I welcome you! Yes! Death!

Chapter 4

The distant sound of the rushing