Chapter One

WHAT EXACTLY DO MEN WANT?

Marriage is a unique institution established by God. Martin Luther the 14th Century reformer said it is God’s way of explaining his relationship with any man saved by grace. Just as a man is married to a woman so a believer is married to God. Our maker is our husband (Isaiah 54:5).

God is a God of purpose. He established the institution of marriage for:

• Procreation

• Protection

• Partnership

• Preservation of Purity

Man was given a mandate to procreate physically through sexual intercourse. He was commanded to increase and multiply spiritually. The man was to protect the woman and both were to protect their children. The man and woman were to operate as partners—the wife helping the husband to fulfill the purpose of procreation, protection and preservation of purity.

To fulfill their purpose each member of the family was given clearly defined roles.

• The husband was made the head

• But he was made head in love

• The wife was made the support

• But she was made a support in submission

• The children were to be obedient to their parents

• But the parents were not to discourage the children

• The servants were to serve without eye-service

• But they were not to be denied their due wages. (Col. 3: 18-25).

Marriage is beautiful when individual members of the family fulfill their divinely stipulated roles. The reverse is the case when any member fails to behave in conformity with the divine role assigned to him or her. The situation is even more compounded where the man fails to fulfil his dual role of leading the family and doing so in love. The family is usually in confusion, especially, if the woman fails to tackle the situation from God’s point of view.

THE CASE OF DANIEL AND MARILYN

Marilyn and Daniel had only been married for six months, but had grown so far apart that they were like old disgruntled couples, tired of seeing each other’s face. Marilyn could not understand the sudden change in Daniel. All efforts to get Daniel to respond to her attempts to mend fences failed.

"This is not the Daniel I knew," Marilyn muttered to herself. What could be the problem? How could a man once so lively become so dull? What am I not doing right? She had so many questions without answers. Her "Prince Charming" had become a dumb-mute. He comes back from work, turns on the television and gets buried in a newspaper. From all indications he used the television to shut out any communication with her and the newspaper had thus become his mask.

Consequently the fountain of love and all the beautiful names he used to call her dried up. The humour that previously set her ribs cracking with laughter disappeared. The sweet things were no longer heard. The man who could not keep out of her presence now wanted to be left alone. The pain was too much to bear. The loneliness ached her heart.

The trouble was that there was no one with whom to share her plight. She had moved from Mombasa to Nairobi to be with her husband soon after the wedding. Her friends were all in Mombasa. Besides, she couldn’t bring herself to tell them even if they were around. Didn’t the preacher at their wedding warn against inviting a third party to solve their marital problems?

Yet she needed help. Daniel had dismissed her complaints with a wave of the hand on the few occasions she summoned up courage to talk to him. Now anger, bitterness and resentment were building up in her. She was increasingly touchy, snapping at him at the least provocation. All day she sat home planning to "deal" with him. She blamed herself for leaving her good job in Mombasa, only to sit at home awaiting the return of a husband who did not appreciate her in any way.

Arguments and harsh words became a routine phenomenon at home. The gap was widening as the days went by. Marilyn was so bitter. Her savings were gone. Her self-confidence was daily being eroded. Daniel would sometimes deny her money to buy even sanitary towels. He continued to be a lone ranger. They rarely talked to each other. Life was becoming unbearable for Marylyn. In desperation, she decided to do something about the situation.

On this particular evening, Daniel had just returned home from work. As usual he was seated in front of the television watching a football game. I want to talk to you, Marilyn told him, almost without any emotion. ‘‘What for? Can’t you see I am busy?’’ Daniel countered, his voice rising with resentment.

Marilyn did not say another word. With a flint-like determination, she marched into the kitchen, ready to strike. She soon came back with a hammer in her hand. Before Daniel could read the handwriting on the wall she had smashed the television screen and was now rushing towards him. The neighbours heard the commotion and dashed in to separate the newlyweds who were sprawled on the floor in a do or die battle. This was a real shock to neighbours because Daniel and Marilyn were professing Christians. What is in man that makes him hate what he should love? Why does a man marry a woman only to make his television a companion instead of her? Why must a wife cajole her husband to communicate? These are difficult questions, but an understanding of the unique make up of men can help give an answer. When men recognize their need for a wife, they will do anything to win a woman’s love. They will gladly give their time, talents and money if only to win her. But it seems their desire and emotions, die immediately after the wedding.

ADAM’S FATAL MISTAKE

Adam had a dire need for a companion. God created the animals and birds and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. This was the first test that Adam was given. He passed the test very well. He gave the animals and birds their proper names. Adam did not see the quality of a wife in the snake or the character of a companion in the dog. The animals found companionship one with another, ". . . But for Adam there was not found an help meet for him" (Gen. 2:20). God then caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and then formed the woman with a rib extracted from the man.

Immediately Adam saw Eve, his first exclamation was. "This is it . . . !" (Genesis 22:23, Living Bible). ‘‘This is what I am looking for. This is what I did not see in the snake. This is really what I need.’’ It was love at first sight. Adam was so elated that he wrote the first poem ever—". . . This is now the bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh . . ." (Genesis 2:23).

The honey-moon began no sooner Adam said, This is it! He first approached Eve, gave her a name and swept her off her feet. They were always together, hand in hand. They shared their thoughts, expressed their deepest emotions. They planned together, laughed together and encouraged each other.

The snake saw it all. He hated the love between Adam and Eve. Besides, he was still smarting from the pain of Adam’s rejection of him as a helpmeet. What’s special about Eve that you preferred her to me? the serpent probably asked. As the days went by, Adam was becoming more and more familiar with Eve. The novelty of talking to another human being was wearing off. The emotion of communing with a new wife was loosening its hold. Adam began to mind his own business, occasionally letting Eve do her own thing. While they were initially inseparable, they now met once in a while. Both moved from companionship to temporary separation.

One day the serpent trailed Adam and Eve to a part of the Garden of Eden. He persuaded Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. She gave some of the fruit to Adam. He too sinned and turned round to refer to Eve derogatively as "the woman you gave me, rather than my wife",—"the bone of my bones".

WHAT IT MEANS TO BEAT YOUR HUSBAND

How do you respond to a man who wants to do his own thing? How do you win over the man who once loved you enough to make you his wife but now gives little or no attention to you? What must a wife do to rekindle the love of a husband who treats her with contempt? How do you tackle the negative aspects of his character? What must you do to win back an unfaithful husband?

These are the issues we hope to discuss in this book. Many women have given up because of their husbands’ negative attitude. Four out of every five families in Africa are improperly constituted. The divorce rate in Europe and America has reached astronomical proportions. The home is now like a war front where husbands beat up wives and wives beat up husbands.

God is interested in our fighting. But he distinguishes between the good fight and the bad fight. God wants you to beat your husband when he is unfaithful or wicked towards you. But not by knocking him repeatedly with a hammer. You can beat your husband by:

• Overcoming his hatred with love.

• Vanquishing his anger with meekness and a quiet spirit.

• Surpassing his unromantic attitude with true romance.

• Excelling over his bad character with the fruit of the Spirit.

You don’t have to beat your husband with a club; you can beat him with godly living. You don’t have to beat your husband with bitterness. You can beat him with forgiveness. "For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith’’ (1 John 5:4).

Are you born again? If you are, then you are an overcomer. You don’t have to be overcome by divorce. You can get your husband to be the kind of man God wants him to be. Believe that God can change your husband if you apply the practical guidelines contained in this book.

If you are not yet born again, you will need to make peace with God. Confess your sins to him and invite Jesus into your life. You cannot overcome all the ugly things your husband has done to you until you let God take control of your life. Sincerely pray this prayer of faith:

Dear Jesus, I invite you into my life. Forgive me my sins. Forgive me for trying to fight in my own strength.

I believe that Jesus died on the cross for me.

His blood was shed for me.

Cleanse me with the blood of Jesus.

Take absolute control of my life and the situation in my family.

I forgive my husband.

I forgive whosoever has hurt me.

And I receive your forgiveness now.

Thank you for saving me.

I declare that I am born again.

I believe that I am an overcomer.

Blessed be your name, in Jesus name I pray.

Amen.

Chapter Two

WHEN HE IS NOT SAVED

Living with an unbeliever is like living with a stubborn blind man, who does not believe that he is blind. He often refuses direct spiritual assistance, especially from a wife who is born again. This situation can be frustrating. This is why God warns us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

Some women however get married as unbelievers, to equally unbelieving husbands. God eventually intervenes in their lives and saves them; but does not permit them to leave their unbelieving husbands (1 Cor. 7:12-14).

Conflict is bound to arise when a wife is saved and begins to adopt Biblical patterns of living when her husband is still a non-believer. If you are saved and your husband is not, you will easily understand what we are saying. There are various areas of conflict.

Some women think that because they are saved and their husbands are not, they should:

• Take over the leadership of the home.

• Unilaterally stop the buying, selling and consumption of alcohol at home.

• Compel everyone, including the man, to regularly attend church on Sunday and mid-week services.

• Change the family church from an Orthodox to a Pentecostal church.

• Suspend visiting of relatives suspected to be witches and wizards.

• Transfer the children from a public to a private Christian school where they can be given a religious education.

• Start a weekly or daily house fellowship at home.

• Intensify the move to save the husband through daily reading of scriptures and verbal rebukes for his sins.

These may seem like noble goals that every believing wife should aspire to, in order to make her family truly Christian. But you must tread softly and patiently. The best way to alienate your husband is to implement these seemingly noble objectives without caution, or due regard to his feelings.

Firstly, salvation does not give a wife the legal right to usurp the authority of the husband. Dora got saved and immediately became fervent and zealous in the work of God. She now knew the difference between a spirit-filled life and empty religion. Richard, her husband, was very religious, yet he had not given up smoking and drinking even though he was the choir master in an Orthodox church. Dora moved to a Pentecostal church without consulting or getting approval from her husband. Richard did not stop her, but did not approve of her decision.

Conflict arose, however, when Dora began to dominate the spiritual leadership at home. Though Richard was not born again he read and interpreted the Bible at their daily family worship. But Dora now took over that function, again without consultation. The family worship became a time for, what Richard later called, "tirades’’ against his smoking and drinking.

He stopped attending the family altar and began to drink heavily. This gave Dora more occasions for verbal rebukes. Richard eventually got into drugs and would not even go to church any more.

Why did Richard respond the way he did? Because no unsaved man wants to be told what to do and how to do it. Men are naturally egocentric. They want to be seen as being in charge even when they shirk their responsibilities. They want to be sure they are dictating the pace of major decisions. Above all, they don’t want to be rebuked openly when they are wrong. What then must a believing wife know about her salvation in relation to her unbelieving husband?

Realize that God saved you by grace, not because of your works. The same will be true for your husband.

Recognize that God wants to use the very kind of divine love that saved you, to save your husband.

Respect the fact that your life may be the only daily "Bible reading" your husband has access to.

Respond to the challenge of living the Spirit-filled life able to produce the fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23).

Avoid an I know it all attitude even if your husband is spiritually dead.

Reason with him when he does not understand the spiritual implication of his actions.

Knowing all this is one thing, but practically applying this knowledge in positive actions is another thing altogether.

LOVE IS THE KEY

Betty Malz rightly points out that ‘‘to live with an unbeliever takes special love’’. Every wife must ask God for that kind of love. The love that will save your husband must be patient, able to endure all things. It must not be easily provoked. It must not behave unseemingly