IT’S TAKING SO DAMN LONG TO GET HERE (I)

Maybe not always, but a lot of the time. It doesn’t matter where I actually am, it’s all the same. For instance, I could be walking to the mailbox or driving in to work and I will get this thing—not a picture but a sort of perception, this sort of sense, in the same way you imagine the shapes of the walls and the furniture when you’re walking through a familiar dark room, that’s how it is—and I am always struck with the perception that I’m there, at the bottom of a well. And I’ve never even seen a well that I can remember, except for on TV and in movies, but I’ve always felt this way. Meaning, I’ve felt this way about the well since childhood. Or maybe it didn’t happen until adolescence, but there I am. I feel that way right now, I really do. I mean, I’m looking into your face right now, but somewhere deeper, somewhere behind it all, I could swear that I’m at the bottom of the well. That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? My husband tells me I have a constant look of near-absolute abandonment on my face. He says I wear that expression all the time.

So I was at the grocery store the other day—this is what I was supposed to be getting at—I’m sorry, I’ve never been good at getting to the point—I was in line at the grocery store and for some reason I was feeling particularly at ease with myself, and with my situation, the world on this particular day was feeling very adequate, you know, everything was good. For some reason I was looking up at the beams and through the skylight—it was one of those enormous warehouse grocery stores that are springing up all over the place—actually, I think this was the reason: I was contemplating all the ways in which the world changes; or not all the ways it changes, but more specifically, I was contemplating this one particular way that it was changing. I was focusing on the skylight and I was thinking of a time where it was an unheard of thing to have a skylight in a grocery store, not unheard of in a bad sense, just in an unheard of sense; it’s just that nobody’d thought to do it at the time. Why are grocery stores so goddamn big today? Do you know? Are we eating more? Are we all getting fatter? I mean some of these places…

Anyway, I guess I was staring up at the skylight—I must have been doing it for a long time—and remember, I’m happy, I really am, I’m having a good day up to this point—and the little thing ringing me up, she all of a sudden stops what she’s doing, and she takes hold of my arm, and she says, Ma’am, are you all right? Do you need me to call someone?

Do I need her to call someone? I didn’t know what to say. What would you say? Is there a proper way to answer a question like that? It wasn’t the question she asked that was so shocking, of course, but that I’d been so damn happy when she’d asked the question. I’d been really happy. I hadn’t been that happy in a long time. Jesus, I don’t even know what I was so damn happy about, but I was happy. I said I was fine, a little rudely, probably, and I wrote the check and left the store. I drove home and sat out front in the car for probably twenty minutes, until my daughter came out and asked me what I was doing, and how long I was going to stay in there.

BURLESQUE

Adda put down her nail file and lay back on the bed.

Len, saving one last hit in the bottom of the bowl, exhaled, and put the pipe down. Quietly, he walked to the bedroom door, stood outside and listened for her. Then, hearing nothing, he left, shutting the apartment door behind him quietly, then down the hall to the fire escape, down the stairs and through the alley behind the strip club [inside of which the girls were downstairs getting dressed, the bartender was leaning across the bar joking with the DJ, the manager vacuumed the red walk-up carpet, the waitress was beating the dust out of a couch cushion with her fist, the bouncer sat on his stool rearranging his tie, waiting to hear the word and turn the sign on to say: OPEN], and across the parking lot to the market. He nodded to the old Asian man behind the counter and picked up another six-pack from the cooler. The game had just started and the Asian man was watching it on a small TV behind the counter.

We’re not doing so well, Len said, and the Asian man said,

No, we are not.

We’re not like we used to be.

No, the man said. Not like nineteen ninety-six.

I miss Kemp.

Yes.

That was the team that could have won a championship. We lose tonight we won’t even make the playoffs.

But if we do make the playoffs, the man said, I think we will do something special.

Len agreed. In their hearts, they were optimistic people.

They said goodbye and Len walked back towards the apartment with his beer.

Adda was the girl that he wanted: beautiful, smart—smarter than him, though he wouldn’t admit it. The best lay he’d ever had. Adda did things to him he could never tell anyone.

Someday he hoped to start his own marble and tile business and marry her and build her a nice house. Retire by forty. A couple rugrats. He wanted to treat her good. He never had much money but he always paid for everything. He paid for the weed, he bought her wine coolers, he took her out and picked up the check. It made him feel good.

But now she’d told him she was leaving in the morning to visit her fiancé in California who wanted her back. She said she owed it to the guy to give him a week.

She’d been with R since she was fifteen and then a few months ago he’d left Federal Way, asking her to come, but she told him she couldn’t; she was going to dental hygienist school, she said she wanted to be certified. But that wasn’t the real reason—she hated looking into people’s mouths and she quit soon after he left, got a job answering phones at a lawyer’s office in Seattle. The real reason was it was occurring to her then that she didn’t know if she really loved R.

When she’d told Len she was leaving and why, he’d said, You don’t owe him nothing.

You don’t know what you’re talking about.

I don’t know what I’m talking about?

You’ve never been with someone that long. You don’t know what it’s like.

I don’t give a shit what it’s like.

At first, when they’d gotten together, Len hadn’t cared that she had a fiancé or that the guy had money or that he was taller than Len and better-looking from the picture he’d seen in Adda’s wallet. What did it matter to him? What did she matter to him back then? He was just fucking some dude’s girlfriend. It turned him on. He used to imagine the guy opening the bedroom door while Adda was going down on him, he imagined himself saying something smart like: She insists on doing this after every meal. It didn’t matter then. But sometime over the past four months, Adda had turned into his girl and he’d started locking the door, not wanting to give her back.

When she told him she was leaving, he’d said, No you’re not.

I already decided.

You’re not going. You’re not leaving.

You can’t make me not go.

You don’t think I can?

No, she’d said. You can’t.

Well, why the fuck do you wanna go down there, anyway?

She didn’t really know.

Why was she going down to California when things up here were fine with Len? She wondered if she really felt she owed R something or if it was just that she wanted to see what his life was like down there. See what kind of life she would have had if she hadn’t have stayed.

R had said, Come down and see the house I bought for you.

He’s a fag, Len had said.

He’s not a fag.

He is a fag.

Psychology books and tapes hadn’t helped Adda understand why she’d felt so relieved when R had left.

I’m going, she’d said to Len. That’s all there is to it.

For how long?

I told you.

One week only?

Yes.

Then you’re coming back?

Yes.

Where are you gonna stay?

Where do you think?

You can’t stay with him!

She’d said, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

Adda you can’t fucking stay with him!

She called Len her Come Machine. He took pride in seeing how many times he could make her come in one go. They had a joke that if he reached six Adda would wash his truck. They fucked everywhere: on the roof and in bathrooms and changing rooms and one time on the stage after her dance class when everyone had gone home and on her boss’s desk one night floating high above the city in the dark—it was so beautiful and down below in the dark the red and white lights, the cars slid down the freeway slid down the valley between the dark mountains and the dark warm sea and what was underneath and Len didn’t stop. She loved fucking him. They did things she’d never tell anyone.

He’d said, Well, where are you gonna sleep?

Len, just stop it.

You’re gonna sleep in his bed with him?

Stop it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

And they talked to each other during sex and called each other names and she liked it. And he let her be the man sometimes. A woman could be a man as well as a man could. Because a woman knows the difference. When she was with R she’d never thought to do or be anything other than what she was, and who she was then was not anyone special: a girlfriend, a dental-hygienist-in-training.

She didn’t care if you brushed. She didn’t give a shit about plaque. She never flossed, herself. Her teeth were stained.

Had she loved R then? Did she love Len now? Was it enough to care for a person’s well-being? Was it enough to be attached to someone? Enough to desire? Did it make any difference that one could make her come and the other couldn’t or that one had a dream that was coming to fruition and the other a dream that he would never fulfill because—well, because she couldn’t see it happening?

Was all this—had it always been—was all she capable of—just a cheap imitation of love?

(What are you waiting for, Adda?

I don’t know.

What’s wrong with you, Adda?)

She didn’t know.

Was anyone actually in love?

(Are any of you out there in love?)

She could see Len down on the street, walking back to the apartment with a bag in his arms. She could see on the window that it was beginning to rain. He looked so small.

Adda let the curtain fall and sat back down on the bed. She went back to working on her fingernails, looking up every so often at the door.

Len was almost home.

And what if she let that guy touch her? Adda wouldn’t say that she wouldn’t.

You don’t understand, she’d said. You don’t know what you’re talking about! Then she’d gone into the bedroom and locked the door and he’d stood outside, saying:

Just promise me you won’t let him touch you, Adda! That’s all I want to hear! Just that you won’t let him touch you! You don’t have to tell me anything else except that you won’t let him touch you! That’s all I want to hear! Just that he won’t touch you!

Len had never hoped for anything and with her there was hope he could hope for something Christ what if she doesn’t come back?

He needed her in the morning before he went to work. He needed her in the evening when he came home, tired. He was lowman all day.

He couldn’t even tell you how he needed her.

She ***** ** **** *** ** *** *** **** * *****.

Now he stopped in front of the apartment building, looked up.

(Please don’t leave, Adda. Just stay. It makes me crazy. Don’t leave, Adda. Stay. Please stay.)

Len sat down on the curb and lit a smoke.

Adda, after counting in her head much more time than it should have taken Len to dial the code to the front door, open it, walk through the lobby, then up the five steps, around the corner, open the door to the stairwell and walk through, then up the two flights of stairs, through the door, then make a right turn, then a left, then down the hall and open the apartment door, got up again from the bed and, lifting the curtain with her fingers, looked down.

Nate thought about it, then hung up the phone and said to his girlfriend, I’ll do it later. The game’s on.

Do it now! Sammie said.

He picked the phone back up. Began to dial. Looked at the game on in the other room. Hung it up again.

They were coming back. Down by ten now in the second. They’d been down by twenty in the first.

He walked past her and sat back down on the couch, picked his beer up from the coffee table, took a drink. I’ll do it later.

I don’t want you to do it later! she said. I want you to do it now!

Game’s on, Nate said.

She picked up the phone and slammed it down hard on the receiver. She did it again.

Good, good, said Nate. Payton grabbed the rebound. Ran up the court while the defense backpedaled. Lobbed it to Baker, who blew the dunk. (Fucking Baker.) The ball went flying into the stands.

Now she was in front of the TV. Are you gonna call or not? she said.

Not.

You said you would.

Your ass is blocking the screen. Move it.

She didn’t move.

Move please.

She turned the TV off.

Hey! Nate said.

You said you were gonna call!

I’ll call later! I’m watching the game!

Then give me the number! I’ll call the bitch!

No, I don’t think so.

He wasn’t in the mood today. He wasn’t patient enough. Get out of the way. He pointed the remote at her stomach, hit the button.

You call her right this minute! she said. You tell her if she ever calls here again I’ll kill her! I wanna hear you do it!

Just settle down.

Don’t tell me to settle down! I don’t want some skank calling my man!

Fine. Now move.

This isn’t over!

Fine. Move it or lose it.

She moved and Nate hit the button again and the game came back on. Sammie stood to the side biting her lip and watching the screen and then she went back into the kitchen and filled the coffeepot. She abruptly put the pot down and walked back into the living room, grabbed the remote from Nate’s hand and turned the TV off again.

She thinks she can call here and she can’t! You go in there right now and tell her if she calls here again she’s dead!

I will! Turn it back on!

I’ll turn it back on when you call her and tell her!

I’ll call her later! I don’t get what the big deal is!

You don’t get what the big deal is, huh? She’s a whore!

She’s not a whore.

She is a whore!

I wouldn’t be calling people whores, Nate said.

Oh really! Now what is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Gimme the remote! The game’s on! For fuck sakes!

Why is she mysteriously calling again all of a sudden?

(Sammie you get so crazy and jealous and flip out and I can’t reason with you I can’t talk to you you just keep going on and on and…)

I told you, Nate said. She was upset.

Well why is she calling you? Why doesn’t she call one of her little skank friends?

Can I just watch the game in peace please? Can I?

What was she so upset about then?

Nothing.

Tell me what she was so upset about!

Jesus Christ…

Tell me why she called!

(Just shut up please. Please just shut up. I’m not in the mood right now. Just leave me alone.)

Tell me!

(Just go into the other room and leave me alone. God, why do you have to be like this?)

You better tell me!

She wants me to go to church with her.

Excuse me?

She’s cleaned up and she thinks she wants to save my immortal soul.

Oh, really! Sammie shifted her weight from one leg to the other. Well let me tell you something that bitch couldn’t be cleaned up with an elephant brush and let me tell you something else your immortal soul doesn’t need to be saved and if anyone’s gonna save it it’s gonna be me!

Right.

And that bitch cannot call my house and talk about my man’s immortal soul on my phone! What did you tell her?

What? I told her no. I told her to leave me alone.

That’s not what you told her! You were talking for fifteen minutes!

Nate sighed. Will you please just turn the game on? Will you please just turn the TV on?

I heard you laughing, Nathan. You better not be fucking her!

(Jesus Christ…) I’m not fucking her!

You better not be fucking that little slut!

Quit cursing. You sound like a whore.

Oh, now you’re calling me a whore.

Yes, I’m calling you a whore.

You’re the whore!

Yeah, I’m the whore, Nate said. I’m the one who puts my tits in their mouths. I’m the one who jerks them through their pants.

Oh really! Sammie said. First of all: Fuck you! Second of all:

You like this apartment? You like driving the 4Runner?

You like the weed you smoke? You like that TV?

Forget it, Nate said.

You like the food in the fridge? You like that beer you’re drinking?

Forget it.

You want to get a job? You want to sell your skateboard?

You want to sell your guitars?

Just forget it.

She can’t just go to church! She’s still a whore! God doesn’t forget!

Just—(shut up please shut the fuck up)

God won’t forget that she’s a whore!

Just shut up you don’t know nothing about it!

God won’t—

Just shut the fuck up before I slap you in the face!

Oh, slap me! Please slap me! Slap away!

Don’t you have to work now? Nate said. Shouldn’t you be licking a pole? Don’t you have a dick to—

Sammie threw the remote at Nate’s head, but he ducked and it sailed right over the couch, shattered the glass of a tropical fish print on the wall. He stood up to take Sammie by the shoulders, but she threw her arms about and squirmed away, so he grabbed her again, by the arms this time, and harder so as not to lose hold of her, and he picked her up [she was kicking at him so he tightened his grip and turned her so his balls were out of harm’s way] and he walked a few steps towards the kitchen and threw her to the ground. He turned to go back to the couch, but she ran at him and cheap-shot him in the lower back, right on the kidney—hurt like hell and surprised him, he turned and swung the hard part of his forearm, forgetting to hold back and

she dropped.

Oh shit! Nate said. Get up! Sammie! You all right? Oh damn! I’m sorry! You OK? You surprised me. You all right? Shit. Stay there. Don’t move. I’m gonna get a towel. Just stay there. Hold on one second.

He went into the kitchen (shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit), came back with a warm, wet towel. He knelt down and—Let’s get you up—gently lifted her to a sitting position, then began wiping her face with the towel, cleaning the blood away from her mouth and chin. Her hair kept falling in the way so he pushed it behind her ears. She looked at him like she didn’t know where she was. She rolled her jaw and cupped her lips like a fish.

Are you OK, Sammie? Sammie? Do you