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    Stash Envy: And Other Quilting Confessions And Adventures
    Stash Envy: And Other Quilting Confessions And Adventures
    Stash Envy: And Other Quilting Confessions And Adventures
    Ebook118 pages1 hour

    Stash Envy: And Other Quilting Confessions And Adventures

    By Lisa Boyer

    2.5/5

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    About this ebook

              Another book of quilting humor -- from the author of the ever-popular book "That Dorky Homemade Look!" Funny woman Lisa Boyer is an expert quilter. And she's determined to enjoy making quilts. In fact, she will not -- absolutely will not -- let the risk of making a mistake, or a less-than- perfect quilt, keep her from relishing the task! In the 34 chapters of this new book, Lisa covers: The need for new fabric colors -- "blurple," "rorange," and "brellow," to name a few; The virtues of lumps in a quilt; How to share your bum fat quarter at a fabric exchange; How crocheting doilies will drive you back to quilting; How to cope when your quilts lack depth and dimension. Lisa Boyer is a breeze of fresh air. She brings you back to the pleasure of quilting with her confessions and adventures in Stash Envy!
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGood Books
    Release dateOct 1, 2005
    ISBN9781680992700
    Stash Envy: And Other Quilting Confessions And Adventures

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    Book preview

    Stash Envy - Lisa Boyer

    Quilt, Interrupted

    Ah! Quilt Day has finally arrived! I clear the break-fast dishes, pour myself a cup of tea, and walk up the long flight of stairs that leads to my sewing room. On my way, I reflect upon my week and how I’ve earned this day. Thursday, I did the laundry. Friday, I cleaned the house. Saturday was grocery day, and on Sunday I caught up on my correspondence and paid the bills. My laundry is done, my house is clean, my fridge is stocked. I am to ready enjoy a well-earned day of quilt-making!

    In my sewing room, my stack of spring-green, jellybean pink, and butter-yellow fabric eyes me suspiciously. These fabrics fear the sharp new blade of my rotary cutter. Ah, tremble in fear, little fabrics, for you shall shortly be re-shaped into strips and forced to do my bidding. I am Quilting Queen of the World, and I proclaim today to be Quilt Day and ….

    Brrrrring. Uh-oh … the phone. The phone isn’t supposed to ring. It’s not on the Royal Schedule. How can this happen on Quilt Day?

    Brrrrrring! Brrrrrrring!

    Hello? Oh … a potluck tonight? Eight dozen cupcakes? Alright, I’ll be there. Sigh …

    Okay, back to my fabrics. I won’t think about the cupcakes now; I’ll think about them later. I wonder if I have any cake mix. Kids won’t notice if the cupcakes aren’t from scratch. I wonder what flavor I should make. Hey, wait a minute. I’m thinking about cupcakes. I need to think about this fabric. Let me see, what size do I cut these strips?

    Honey? My husband’s voice drifts up the stairs. Do you know where the pfluumpkerp is?

    Hmmm. I know he didn’t really say pfluumpkerp, but that’s what it sounded like. What rhymes with pfluumpkerp? Nothing that I can think of. But if I yell Whaaaat? back down the stairs, he’ll only say Huuhhhh? and that will snowball into an veritable avalanche of Whats? and Huh’s? Resigned to my fate, I pry my unwilling fingers off my rotary cutter and go downstairs to help him find his elusive pfluumpkerp. From past experience, I know that when my husband can’t find something, he usually needs help with how to work it, too. Putting it away when he’s finished is also a problem.

    An hour later I return. My tea is cold, but I’m not going back downstairs to heat it. I’m going to cut this fabric. Let me see … how wide were those strips?

    Suddenly, a soft and furry object brushes my ankles. Meow? my cat asks. Not now! I think. There’s food in your bowl. It’s your favorite: Tender Scrambled Fish Cubes. Yummy! Unfazed, my cat looks up at me with wide green eyes full of love and devotion. Meow … prrrrrt? he asks, beseechingly. Oh please! Just give me a few minutes. Let me cut just one strip.

    The cat jumps up onto my fabric and presses his forehead against my cutting-arm elbow. Back downstairs I go. At least I’ll be able to reheat my tea and thaw something for dinner. Uh-oh, where’s all this water on the kitchen floor coming from?

    Two hours later, I return to my fabric. Miraculously, I am able to cut five strips before the phone rings again, the cat runs out of fish parts, and my husband misplaces his blirkenbat. Between these amusing distractions, I make lunch, clean up the dishes, and open a newly arrived batch of mail. By three o’clock I cautiously climb the stairs, determined to sew my five hard-won fabric strips together. I sew one, two, three strips together. Excitedly, I check the instructions to see what the next step is. It’s then that I notice that I should have sewn the yellow strip in the middle, not on the left side. No problem, I think; where’s my seam ripper?

    At that moment, my son walks into my sewing room, just home from school. His shoulders are hunched, his brow is furrowed, and he looks like his world has collapsed. He plops himself down in my sewing chair. With downcast eyes, he stares at the floor. I had a bad day, he says. This girl said ….

    The Queen lays down her rotary-cutter scepter and quietly abdicates for today. Long Live the Queen of Quilting. She’ll have to, if she ever wants to finish a quilt.

    An Open Letter to the Worldwide Quilt Judging Organization

    My Dear Esteemed Quilt Judges:

    I have long felt that some changes are needed in the OFFICIAL WORLD QUILT JUDGING MANUAL. Since having nominated and appointed myself head representative of the Worldwide Dorky Homemade Quilt Association, I, Lisa Boyer, am hereby forwarding recommendations directly to you. I hope you will carefully consider these insightful changes, as I believe that they will help to create a kinder, gentler, more appreciative atmosphere for all the unfortunate quilts of the world.

    Many admirable attributes of the quilt art form have been overlooked and undervalued for far too long. I address this problem here. Toward this purpose, I am proposing that the following point system be used in place of that old point system you’ve been torturing us with for over a century. (Honestly, aren’t you sick of straight seams and perfect stitches by now? Have you no compassion for pitiful quilts?) I submit here an entirely new system of scoring, with the following criteria:

    1. (5 points) Effective Use of Quilt Lumps. Lumps may be of fabric or batting origin. Misplaced-quilting-tool lumps are disqualified, as are small rodents and/or household-pet lumps. Donuts and other food-stuffs may be awarded lump points, if accessible and edible. Points are awarded for the most effective design flow around the lump(s); in other words, lumps must look accidental and natural and must appear in the worst position imaginable. Quilt lumps inadvertently created in the bull’s-eye center of a quilt are awarded bonus embarrassment points.

    2. (Up to 20 points) Color Bravery. Imagination is finally rewarded in this category. Point increments are awarded as follows:

    a. Inspire a judge to laugh at color choices. Chortles, giggles, and sighs do not receive full credit: 5 points.

    b. Cause a judge to shake his/her head in abject bewilderment: 10 points.

    c. Make a judge wince and develop a sudden headache: 15 points.

    d. Force a judge to shield his/her eyes in order to avoid permanent retinal damage: 20 points.

    3. (20 points) Creative Seam Engineering. Anyone can make a straight seam. Well, almost anyone. Okay, no one that I know personally. But straight seams are so unimaginative! This category rewards the adventurous seam—the seam that likes to take its time to fully explore the geography and lump-ography of the quilt. Full points are given for one complete seam that manages to travel 90 degrees or more from its original intended course. Puckers are awarded bonus points.

    4. (20 points) Inventive Placement of Thread-Ball Snarls. (No fair disguising them to look like something the cat left behind.) Points are awarded based on size and utter entanglement of snarl ball.

    5. (10 points) Effective Use of Ugly Fabric. Self-explanatory. Full points are awarded for the bravest use of the most horrible, eye-offending fabric imaginable. Bonus points are awarded to the quilter who can take a pretty fabric and make it feel sorry that it ever existed.

    6. (5 points) Most Mysterious Theme. If you can actually figure out the theme of a quilt, it isn’t all that intriguing, is it?

    a. Zero points are awarded for discernible themes.

    b. A theme that exists solely in the mind of the quiltmaker receives low points. However, if same entrant attempts to explain his/her quilt theme in fancy art words, all points earned are definitely subtracted.

    c. A blob quilt, especially if the blobs are not recognizable as earthly objects, shall receive high marks in this category. (Blobs with eyeballs score slightly lower, as anyone can applique roadkill.)

    Note: Mysteriously themed quilts that have scored historic highs in this category have included: "A Study of

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