bus.

FIRST

Harry has always liked seagulls. He likes the whiteness of their feathers and the way they always look so neat and clean even though they live off scraps. He likes the way they move on land. How they use their wings to cover ground faster if there’s food around. He likes watching them as they stand in groups. At first he can’t tell one from the other, but the longer he watches the more he sees. He sees they are individuals, marked by a fluffed out feather here, a leg missing there.

Harry likes seagulls in the afternoon, when it’s warm and there’s a gentle breeze. He likes to sit in the park next to the beach and watch them beg for food, pick through the bins, argue among themselves. He hates them in the morning when he wakes to find them searching through his pockets, shitting on his clothes, crying in his ear.

And that’s how he wakes up this morning. A bloody seagull sitting on his chest, pecking at him, shitting on him. It’s not a good way to wake up, and Harry doesn’t much like waking up anyway. He lets out a bit of a yell that scares the bird off and then he lies back down to listen to the noise of the traffic and think about the day ahead.

He lies on his bench as long as he can. He knows it will be cold getting up and he doesn’t feel ready to face it. He thinks about Queensland and whether he could ever move there. He thinks about whether it really is warm all the time or whether those buggers who have been just make that shit up. He thinks about Tony who’s been gone a few days now. Maybe he’s there. Maybe Harry should go too. But Harry is like the seagulls. The ones that stay at the beach all year round. They stay because it’s their home. Because they know where things are and it doesn’t really matter that it’s cold or wet. Not as much as it matters about knowing where things are.

Then Harry reads the graffiti the way he’s done a thousand times before and he wonders how Nik and Rachel are and if they really do still love each other. He reads the bit he tried to scrub off one day with a bit of water and an old shirt. The bit that says this way out and has an arrow under it pointing to the road. He doesn’t think about who might have written it. One day it wasn’t there, the next day it was. He doesn’t think about it any more.

Harry sticks his hands out from under his blanket to test the temperature of the air. Then he gets up in one quick motion. Like ripping off a bandaid. Or at least that’s what he tells himself. If you saw him you wouldn’t think it was one quick motion. It looks like a slow, hard climb. Stiff joints, painful back, aching legs. But to Harry it’s one quick motion, like ripping off a bandaid. Then he’s up, folding his blanket nice and neat, brushing his teeth. Harry doesn’t have toothpaste but he does have a toothbrush so every morning after Harry rips off the bandaid, he brushes his teeth.

He hears her before he sees her. That gentle squeak of the pram wheels. That clip of her heels against the concrete. He panics. He’s thinking, Shit, it’s Jules, and he wishes it was her that woke him up instead of the bloody seagull. It’s a nice thing to wake up to, that gentle squeak and small clip. He wishes he’d stayed where he was, wishes he’d waited till she’d passed before he ripped off the bandaid. That way he could really take her in, see what she’s wearing and how the kid is looking. That’s how he learnt her entire wardrobe. Learnt to know how she was feeling depending on what she was wearing. That’s how he watched her kid change from a squirming pink thing to the fat little hairy, toothy bugger he is now.

But today Jules is going to catch him with his shirt hanging out and his toothbrush in his mouth. Her kid will probably burst into tears at the sight of him. And even though he’s desperate to see what she’s wearing, desperate to know how she’s feeling today, he can’t do it. So he stands in the corner of the bus shelter, his face to the wall, toothbrush still in his mouth. He listens as the pram gets closer and he feels like a naughty child. A schoolboy sent to the corner for swearing. He panics, sweats, tries not to shake and hopes he will just disappear into the paintwork.

The squeak of the pram gets closer. The gentle clip of her heels gets louder until she’s right there, right behind him. Harry squeezes his eyes closed tight and tries to make himself smaller. Then he hears the kid carrying on in his pram. They’re nearly past the bus stop but the kid has started crying and the squeak and the clip stops and her voice rings out. What’s the matter Kieran? Her voice is soft and kind. You hungry darling?

Harry’s legs start to shake wildly as he imagines her sitting down right there and then in his shelter so she can feed the kid. Harry thinks about running. About turning around and running as fast as he can away from that bus shelter but, before he gets the nerve to move, the squeaking starts up again. That gentle clip of her heels moves away and Harry is free. Now he can sit. Rest his shaking legs.

He doesn’t though. He stands there like the idiot he feels he is until he can hear nothing but the traffic. And then he stands a bit longer. Just to be sure. He can’t get the idea out of his head that it’s some kind of trick. That he’s going to turn around and she’ll still be there.

When Harry can no longer stand, he turns around and sees that she really is gone. Then he sits down. He takes the toothbrush out of his mouth and he waits for the shaking in his legs to stop.

And that’s it. That’s the best part of Harry’s day just passed. And he spent it scared and shaking and staring at the corner of his bus shelter. But at least, for those long few minutes, he could pretend that Jules was passing by with her baby. He will spend the rest of the day looking for the real Jules. Not actively searching, not any more. But looking. Looking at the women who go by, at the cars and buses. Wondering, is that the bus that’s holding Jules?

In the early days Harry would sit outside the old apartment block. He’d sit there for hours. Those were the days when he’d smoke and drink. Smoke and drink and sit, hour after hour. He didn’t want to speak to Jules, didn’t want to bother her, just wanted to see her, wanted to know she was all right. He didn’t particularly care whether she had a baby with her or not. The baby wasn’t the thing he thought about. He just wanted to know she was all right.

She walks off the bus that day with her thoughts clouded by the sight of the man in the bus shelter and by the sky. People scurry to get out of the weather but she is not in a hurry as she moves through the crowds, past the food shops under the station, towards the clean, white sails of the Opera House.

She barely feels the rain as it hits her face and body. She doesn’t feel the wind and the cold. She sees only the Opera House, the harbour beside it. It takes the clouds away, makes the wind warm. It lets her know that everything is going to be okay.

The Quay has been there for her since she first arrived in Sydney. In those early days she would catch the train from the west. She’d get on the city circle, just for the heady rush of the train bursting out into sunlight, into the Quay. She didn’t notice the ugly train station, the towering office buildings behind. She saw only the Opera House, the Bridge, the ferries moving slowly in and out. When everything became hard, dark and cold, when she felt too lonely, the Quay kept her here. It made her want to stay.

She has never been good at staying. Her parents can’t be blamed. They moved her once when she was a little girl. Just once. After that she grew up in the same house and went to the same school. It is not her body that got used to movement – it is her mind that is never able to be still. Her mind that has never found one thing, that one thing she is always searching for, that one thing to keep her still.

But now she has the Quay. It absorbs her. It holds her in this city while she searches for her thing. Even with the changes taking place all over the city, as it prepares for the coming Olympics, the Quay is still the Quay to her. Today she stays all morning. Sometimes walking, sometimes standing. It’s too wet to sit. Sometimes she shelters but often she stands in the dripping rain. She enjoys the feeling of the rain on her face. She doesn’t mind the cold because she knows at the end of it there will be a warm shower, dry clothes. Hot food.

In front of her she sees the ferries come and go. She watches other boat traffic and marvels at how they manage to avoid each other. If she squints she can make out the figures of the brave or unlucky people who have chosen this day to climb the Bridge.

She’s wanted to do that since it first opened. To see the Quay from the uppermost reaches of the Bridge. But climbing the Bridge is way out of her budget. And sticking to her budget is how she survives. How she gets to stay.

When she first moved to this city she lived in the west where the housing was cheaper and the trains were close. She shared a house, tried to make friends. Followed where those friends led, looking all the time for something to cling to.

There were rock bands and student films. Café work and shopkeeping. There were brief forays into alternative political parties and information nights at the universities although she never quite made the step of enrolling. Now she regrets not studying, the way she regrets most of her past decisions.

The friends drifted away so quickly she wondered whether they were ever really there. She considered moving back home. The thought seemed like an easy way out but no real solution. And anyway the Quay already had its hold on her. Attaching her to a city too expensive for her to survive in, too big for her to truly understand. But holding her nonetheless when she had nothing else to hold onto.

So she moved to the east where she could just about afford a tiny room near the sea. It was rough and dirty. But she has her own bathroom and a tiny kitchenette. She made herself a new home in this tiny room. And it is here she has come to understand that she will never go back to where she grew up.

Back on the Quay the rain has soaked her clothes and her hair. She starts to feel the chill of the wind as she makes her way back to the bus. She notices the stares, the way people avoid sitting near her. She feels the cold of the rain on her skin and she concentrates on what it will be like when she gets home. She imagines the warmth of the shower and the softness of the clothes she will put on. These thoughts get her through the bus ride. They do not stop her lips turning blue or her hands shaking but they get her through.

When she opens the door to her apartment she is grateful for its size. For how easy the small space is to warm. She turns on the electric heater as she strips the wet clothes from her body.

The bathroom is tiny of course. She has to squeeze past the toilet to look at herself in the mirror above the sink. She stares at herself, like she does every day, unconsciously seeking beauty and finding it in part, if only in the familiarity of her face. She finds faults too, flaws in her features, more than she finds beauty. She tries not to look too long.

The shower takes a moment to heat up but when it does, the water is so hot she breathes in sharply as it hits her skin. She adds a little cold water and closes her eyes. The cold of the rain and wind are washed away from her skin and she is left pink, even a little sweaty.

Today she does not notice the mould growing between the tiles around the shower edge and on the bottom of the shower curtain. When she first moved in she scrubbed at it all the time. She was determined it could be removed. Now she lets it be. It’s only on bad days that it bothers her.

Comfortable in tracksuit bottoms and a large wool jumper she found in a local charity shop, she makes herself a piece of toast with a scrape of butter. According to her budget the butter needs to last another two weeks and it is already low. The plate is chipped but one she loves. Another charity shop discovery. She’s not been able to find a second like it. She’s found similar but never one with this exact colouring and pattern of flowers and leaves twisting around the edge.

She stands on her balcony, plate and toast in hand, to watch the rain hit the ocean. Actually the balcony is more of an outdoor shelf. To sit she has to be cross-legged with her knees against the railing. She has come to find this position quite comfortable but only on warm days and only if she doesn’t want to see the ocean.

It’s time to think about the homeless man. His image has been with her the whole day. But now it’s time to think properly about him. This man she saw from the bus and her decision to write a symphony for him.

It seems right to her that the homeless man needs a symphony. It seems obvious that she must be the one to write it. It’s the first step she needs to decide now. Sometimes the first step is the hardest. The most important. It is the first step that will make or break a project.

She has taken a lot of wrong first steps. That’s why things haven’t quite worked out before now. She doesn’t want to think about the awkward months she spent working on student films, convinced this would be her career for life, while her heart pumped wildly with fear anytime someone asked her to do anything because she had no idea what to actually do. She doesn’t want to think about how she woke with dread at the thought of just getting herself to the set. She doesn’t want think about the nights she spent awake, crunching numbers in her head, in the hope of starting a food business. About the lease she almost signed. All of these times, she thinks, she rushed, she didn’t find the right first step. If this is it, if this is to be her thing, she needs to spend a bit of time thinking of what the right first step should be.

There’s the local library. It has an Internet connection. Computers that the public can use. She could type in how to write a symphony. Instructions would appear in a moment. She’s sure of it. But it doesn’t feel like the right step. It doesn’t feel like the first step. A computer, instructions, these feel like a leap. She needs a step.

What she wants is a book. Again, there’s the local library. She has a card somewhere. But that’s not right either. She doesn’t want a book she has to give back. She wants a book that she can keep. A book she can devour. She wants a book with no return date. A book she can drop in the bath and then dry by the heater leaving the pages waved and swollen but still readable. She wants a book she can leave her wine glass on so that a permanent red ring remains on the cover. It will be a book she can hold up on opening night or at press conferences and say, this was the start of it all. This was the book that started everything. This is the kind of book she wants. This will be the first step.

Harry still feels the shaking inside his legs as he walks down to the beach for his morning shower. Charlie’s already there, Harry can smell his bags before he sees them piled up near the showers. Once Harry was around when one of them split open. He hasn’t forgotten the stinking mess that poured out. Half of it unrecognisable. Couldn’t touch it though, couldn’t put it in the bin. That stinking mess was precious to Charlie and after all the screaming and fighting that went on that day Harry doesn’t try to talk to him about it anymore.

Just near his bags, always just near his bags, is Charlie, damp from his shower. Harry doesn’t say hello. He just launches into the story of his morning. It feels good to get it out. Stops most of that shake in his legs. He will let the water take away the rest. Charlie snorts at the end of the story. He says, She probably thought you were having a wank, and Harry doesn’t reply because this thought hadn’t occurred to him.

Instead of answering Charlie, Harry lets himself fall into the shower. Lets the shower take away the aching, the stiffness, that tired feeling behind his eyes. He lets the shower take it all away and when he turns off the water he feels a lot better.

Charlie is gathering up his bags and preparing to leave. He throws another sentence at Harry as he walks away. Cops got Tony. Harry hears but he doesn’t listen. He’s thinking about a soft fluffy towel. That would be the best thing after a shower. A soft fluffy towel. Harry thinks about towels every time he has a shower. And then he dries himself with the best thing he’s got, usually his shirt, and he puts