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    Dysfunctional Bonding
    Dysfunctional Bonding
    Dysfunctional Bonding
    Ebook160 pages2 hours

    Dysfunctional Bonding

    By Tina Burroughs-Lee

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Navigating through this thing called life sometimes can be hard and trying to figure out where we should go or what to do can be difficult. This is where I come in. My name is Tina Burroughs-Lee and I know firsthand life comes with its challenges, but I am a living testimony that things can change. This book is filled with real life poetic stories that describes different dilemmas that individuals have endured, life lesson quotes, things to ponder on, and Tina’s personal experience centered around marriage and career development. It has been a roller coaster trying to maintain a work, life, balance but as a millennial sharing these life lessons and experiences, I hope to make a difference in other people’s lives.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherLulu.com
    Release dateJan 30, 2021
    ISBN9781716276583
    Dysfunctional Bonding

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      Book preview

      Dysfunctional Bonding - Tina Burroughs-Lee

      Introduction

      The goal of this book is to convey how balancing life can be hard. Sometimes balancing being married, being a parent, and managing a career can be tough. Parenting has its moments. Sometimes I failed as a parent. Sometimes as a wife I failed in my marriage. During my career journey I did not always make the best decisions. I am here to talk about the good, bad, and the ugly. I am here to tell you that it is not all glitter and roses. It takes hard work, dedication, commitment, facing the ugly truth, talking about the hard questions, and facing the reality of what’s presented in front of you when you are not ready to face the truth. However, I hope my experiences and what I’ve learned along the way help you on your journey and that you find some solutions to some difficult times in your life. Some things will make sense to you, while other things you may not agree with, but I’m not looking for validation. I just want to share my story and I hope that at the end you learn some things from what I've been through. Hopefully, it helps you or maybe someone you know. In the book I will have Reality Check moments. After each shared experience, you should take the time to stop and reflect on your own experiences and write down things to help you along the way.

      All the stories that were written are true! Not all relate to me! But it is a true story, nonetheless.

      Chapter 1

      You Can Recover If You Invest in Yourself

      Dysfunctional is defined as: Not operating normally or properly.

      Or

      Deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad.

      Bonding is defined as: The establishment of a relationship or link with someone based on shared feelings, interests, or experiences.

      Combined together = A shit storm!

      Understanding is limited

      People don’t understand how I feel

      They can’t hold my hand

      So, I can heal

      Tell me that everything will be okay

      When things don’t go my way

      I’ve been through hardship

      So, don’t give me that shit

      Blaming myself for what I put myself in

      From all my sins

      Crying and justifying everything that is given

      If did not have my faith I wouldn’t be livin’

      To say that love hurts

      So fresh and new

      I did not know what to do

      Getting into relationships

      I was confused

      Confused on how I felt inside

      My heart can’t heal

      Going through relationships

      Guys with the same personality but different faces

      It did not do me any good

      I tried to go with the guys that were different

      But different just caused me more pain

      I felt cold

      Going backing and forth trying to find love

      Because love was not found in my heart

      When love could not be found

      From just looking around

      Seek the love that I wanted to feel

      The love that I never got from my father

      I had to learn that love come to you

      It’s a process

      That made me scared

      Too scared to open up because of my past experiences

      Being touched in certain places

      I saw two faces

      A man and a woman taking advantage of me

      Back then I did not know what was going on

      Molestation

      To me at a young age

      Gentle and kind

      My body wasn’t mine nor was my mind

      Control by the unthinkable thoughts

      Going through tunnels

      Like depression, suicide, and sexuality

      Becomes my mother did not recognize the signs

      But because of God

      He sent me an angel and set me free

      Free from the knife that could have taken my life

      From depression

      I am a child of God

      Give my worries and frustration

      Unto HIM and he will set you free

      Free from confusion

      Of thinking being with the same sex was okay

      At the age of nine

      Because what was planted inside of me

      By a woman

      But God said you are not meant to be with the same

      But with the opposite

      And for that God set me free

      Free from anger

      Anger from the past

      Abused by my mother

      Scars that will never heal

      Not fair because I abused my siblings

      Which made them suffer from what I went through

      Verbal and physical abuse

      Suffered with hate

      Held with grudge

      Hate from being mistreated

      Holding a grudge from not being loved

      Taking care of my little siblings

      I had to grow up fast

      I did not have a childhood

      I had too many regrets and painful sorrows

      See what I’ve been through is:

      Molestation and abuse

      Love hurt

      Neglect and depression

      Suicide

      Insanity

      And a lost soul

      What I’ve been through is

      A battle between my flesh and my spirit

      Death creeping by my side

      Hating others

      Sickness of the mind

      Demons hunting at night

      Feeling and seeking spirits

      Not wanting to live at night

      Dear Lord, when will the madness end?

      The pain still hurts

      When will I receive my breakthrough?

      A poem I wrote in high school my tenth-grade year. I have won several poetry awards from this piece. 

      If you are familiar with the concept of being dysfunctional, growing up in a dysfunctional environment, enduring dysfunctional problems, having a dysfunctional family, or even just working in a dysfunctional setting you will relate to the concept of the possibility of having a dysfunctional marriage.

      Do I deserve this because of the dysfunctional mentality that is so accepting because of how I was raise? My childhood was not the worst, but it was not the best either. As an adult it has been a struggle to find my way out of dysfunction when it is so easy to intertwine in dysfunctional mess.

      Growing up finding the time to be alone was not easy and being alone was not a joy either. So how did I end up married, with children, and having a testimony about how I fought through so many challenges? Some days the answer would be simple – my faith. On other days I would have no clue on how to answer that besides every day I wake up fighting to be a better person, wife, mother, daughter, family member, and friend. As a millennial I don’t have all my shit together but I have found out that despite my environment of growing up in the projects, living in poverty, and knowing what it means to be hungry and homeless success doesn’t come to you, you definitely have to go for it! 

      The concept of bonding is one that can either be a good thing or bad thing. We can bond with certain people or concepts which can be positive and enduring. However, if you have been through some shit you can bond with the negative aspects of life and spin out of control, such as going through verbal or physical abuse. The sad thing about the things that we endure in our childhood is that it can transform into our adulthood. The downfall about bringing the baggage of childhood trauma and pain into adulthood is that it creates bad habits that can impact the people around you. In addition, what can make things worst is if you are a parent it can be a learned behavior that your children can pick up from you. I was a little monster growing up. Getting into everything and breaking everything. Society tells me because of my background of having a learning disability (stuttering problem), behind in reading in each grade level until the 8th grade, and, needing additional social and educational support I more than likely would have a hard life. The truth of the matter is, that pipeline that was labeled for me because my mother was a teenage mother - life indeed was hard for us.

      ***

      Dear Lord

      I woke up today

      And I did not feel your beautiful grace

      And the sun did not shine on my face

      And nor did I feel joy in my life

      I looked to the left and I looked to the right

      Sadly, I did not feel my angel by my side

      I pondered and wondered and yelled out why

      Why must I feel so sad inside

      Why must I feel like my life is at its end

      Why do I feel the drain of all my sins?

      There hasn’t been a day of dried eyes

      Finally, once I sat in peace

      My soul finally said girl your just tired

      Your stressed out

      You’ve lost your appetite

      And you’ve lost your sight

      Of seeing what’s in front of you

      And what’s behind you

      You’ve lost the sense of knowing and not knowing

      Caring and sharing

      Things that you must let go

      You still hold on to the past

      You’ve finally realized the things that you don’t want to do

      Confused on what is God really trying to say to you

      Your stuck on … this thing called Life

      The life of which was not given to you by man

      God gave you air to breathe

      You are focused on not being lonely

      Forgetting that God was there the whole time

      The process of growing and learning from your mistakes

      You are finally gaining the knowledge of how life can be so fake

      The people who grin in your face

      Walking around careless wanting their big break

      And you hang on to their every word that they say

      My child, it’s time to move on

      It’s a new day

      You have been praying for a change

      Praying for a closer relationship to God

      It will not happen if you are stuck in the past

      You can’t grow if you are still stuck on what’s right and wrong

      I’m tired I tell you

      I’m tired of you holding on these broken promises

      I’m tired of you holding on the past like it owes you something

      I’m tired of you crying because you feel alone

      I’m tired of you crying because you feel lost

      I’m tired of you holding on to that demon that smiles in your face

      Stop accepting the things that is being done to you

      You are God’s child

      Living by HIS grace

      And every dream, wish, desire that you have

      He shall give it to you

      You must want it

      and stop letting people tell you - that you don’t deserve it

      You are not lost my child

      You wish for freedom and its right in front of you

      This feeling that you have felt today

      Isn’t the feeling of being … what you called lost

      It’s a wakeup call my child

      Your soul is tired … living this life that you have endured

      Staying within the walls of pain and silence

      Instead of learning, growing, and being at peace

      I wrote this my freshmen year in college.

      ***

      College Life.       I am a firm believer in education. My mother pushed that if we wanted to make our lives different, we had to be deeply rooted in education. Therefore, I earned my bachelor's degree from Savannah State University in 2008 and my master’s degree from the University of San Francisco in 2013. I received an advance certification in Human Services from Walden University in 2018. Being in college taught me how important it is to transition in life. With each level of education, I received, I was in a different place in my life and had to learn to adapt accordingly. Attending an Historically Black College and University (HBCU) was completely different than attending an institution that was not an HBCU. I encountered classism and had to understand the income status quo. That’s where I learned that in the South, what we called racism and understanding how one

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