INTRODUCTION

Use this book as a tool.

Thank you for buying my book. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

Why write this book?

The decision to write this book wasn’t made in an instant – the idea crept up on me over a number of years. When I was 27, I left my career in technical sales and started my own telecoms business. While I’d picked up some useful experience during my fledgling sales career, I was now going it alone and pretty much making it up as I went along. I couldn’t afford mentoring fees or training courses, so everything I learned from that point onwards was self-taught, either through reading business and self-help books or simply on the job through trial and error. To cut a very long story short, I managed to build the business to a point where I could sell the company and move into semi-retirement. My wife and I currently live in Sussex, England, where we’re raising our two wonderful daughters.

Throughout my career I built up a library of autobiographies, business books and self-help books, and much of my reading brought a clarity of vision to my life. Why not, I thought, help others do the same? So I set out to assimilate the key points of what I’ve learned, and the result is this book.

A simple, practical guide

The beauty of this book lies in its simplicity. There’s no jargon, padding or long anecdotes, just useful tips on how to put a plan together and get it done! I’ve broken down the elements of life management into small, manageable steps, incorporating ideas and exercises to help you explore your own thoughts, preferences and possibilities.

I’ve tried to avoid writing too much detail, but if you’d like more information, many of my sources are quoted, so you can dig a little deeper if certain subjects are particularly important to you.

My aim: to guide you to what you really want

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that life isn’t just about making more money and having loads of ‘stuff’. For me it’s also about fundamental human qualities such as love, integrity, passion, caring and gratitude. Each of us is unique, and I want this book to be individual to you and what you want to achieve in your life. Nobody knows you better than yourself, and through a voyage of self-discovery, I will guide you toward more of the things you want and less of the things you don’t want. I will provide you with the tools to become your own life coach. We all have the capacity to understand how to live a successful, meaningful life; we just need to stop letting everything else get in the way. So be prepared to sharpen your pencil and thoroughly assess and improve your life!

In everyday life, it’s easy to forget your objectives, so first I’ll get you focused on your values and goals, and then we can work through the actions you need to take from there. The chapters are short but specific, and together they serve as a playbook for what you want to be and where you want to go, each one shining a light on a different facet of your life.

My aim is to help you focus on the most important questions to ask yourself, so that you can become more self-aware and certain about your life’s direction and reduce the ‘clutter’ that stands between you and your ultimate reality. By figuring out what you really want, you can redefine what both living and loving mean to you – not in a metaphysical, abstract sense, but right here, right now, in your everyday life.

How to use this book

Each chapter of the book can be read (or reread) in isolation, so even if you pick it up and read a section at random, you’ll discover useful and insightful information that will hopefully expand your perspective on that subject. That said, if you do read the book from cover to cover and follow through on the exercises, you’ll reap the maximum benefit.

It’s all very well learning something new, but it’s only when you take action that you truly get the benefit from new information. If you want a book that requires no effort other than reading, then this isn’t the book for you. You can’t just read it and expect miracles to happen in your life – you have to learn the lessons and apply them to your life. The exercises and action steps throughout the book are important because they shift your thoughts outside your head and onto paper. The exercises will help you engage with the material first-hand and help you connect to your core values and discover your life purpose.

So make it a priority to follow the steps laid out within the book, reflecting and writing as you go. This will inspire you and you’ll feel motivated as you achieve each step. Mark up the book with a highlighter pen, make notes or, even better, keep a journal to track your progress and collate ideas as you go.

Try This: Do a ten-day trial. If one of the ideas in this book sounds like it might work for you, try it for ten days and see if it is helpful. Ten days is a manageable chunk of time – achieve this, and you’ll know you can continue for another ten days, and then another and so on.

Bon voyage!

This book isn’t just a book – it’s a living, breathing, organic process, facilitating a journey of self-discovery. I hope you enjoy the process; I hope you enjoy the journey; I hope you feel like you can become your own life coach; I hope you find it energising and I hope you feel inspired to move more powerfully toward your vision.

1

VALUES

The best starting point. What are your values?

What makes life worth living? Who are we and why do we do what we do? What principles guide every fibre of our being?

Psychologists split self-awareness into two types:

Internal self-awareness is about recognising our value system. It’s about being aware of our preferences, our motivations, our goals, our position in the world and our impact on the world.

External self-awareness is about recognising how other people see us.

Research has discovered a correlation between our happiness and how self-aware we are. Those of us with high levels of internal and external self-awareness tend to make better decisions, are more effective and have deeper relationships. Your self-awareness is expressed in its purest form through the lens of your values – the chapter headings in the book of you.

Our values are unambiguous beliefs we have about what is really important and what really matters in our lives. Everyone has different values, but most of us don’t consciously think about what our values are. Can you say with certainty what is most important to you? Is it love? Your health? If you’re not sure, you should do a little soul-searching because the most fulfilled and happy people are those who understand their own values and live their lives accordingly. If you don’t feel content with your life but you’re not sure why, it could be that you’re not living in accordance with your inner beliefs and values.

Identify your values

Try This: Let’s begin by writing down the values that most appeal to you. To help this process and to give you more of an idea of what we mean by values, have a look at this list:

Achievement: You love to achieve your goals.

Adventure: You enjoy trying new things.

Autonomy: You’re independent and self-sufficient.

Boldness: You’re bold and daring. You radiate great courage.

Calm: You try to handle every situation with calmness and self-control.

Cheerfulness: You consciously choose to smile and be cheerful.

Compassion: You relate to others with love, kindness and understanding.

Challenge: You enjoy doing things that stretch you.

Citizenship: You respect fellow citizens and are socially responsible.

Contribution: You make a valuable contribution to the world.

Creativity: You enjoy coming up with amazing new ideas.

Curiosity: You’re always interested in new ideas.

Determination: You’re persistent and determined.

Diversity: You want to see an inclusive society with no one left behind.

Exercise: You enjoy becoming fitter and healthier.

Fairness: You seek justice and fairness in all your dealings with others.

Family: You respond to your family with patience and love.

Freedom: You value the freedom to do as you choose with your time.

Friendship: Your friendships are meaningful and rewarding.

Generosity: You share money, possessions and time.

Gratitude: You express gratitude for everything you have in your life.

Happiness: You seek happiness in everything you do.

Health: You eat, drink, exercise and sleep well.

Honesty: You live your life with honesty and truthfulness.

Humility: You’re modest and don’t take yourself too seriously.

Humour: You seek reasons to laugh because it’s so much fun.

Inner harmony: You endeavour to be at peace with yourself.

Kindness: You strive to be kind to everyone you interact with.

Listening: You know that listening to people is important and rewarding.

Love: Your heart is open and you radiate love in all your relationships.

Loyalty: You’re loyal to the people and ideas you care about.

Mindfulness: You practise mindfulness on a regular basis.

Optimism: You look at the sunny side of most situations.

Passion: You do things with purpose and energy.

Patience: You’re a tolerant and understanding person.

Recognition: You like being recognised, respected and appreciated.

Relaxation: You like to relax as much as possible.

Religion: Your religion is very important to you.

Self-esteem: You acknowledge your own self-worth.

Service: You derive deep satisfaction from helping others.

Simplicity: You enjoy uncluttering your environment and your life.

Stability: You value stability at work and at home.

Success: You work hard and enjoy the success that goes with it.

Wealth: Financial prosperity is important to you.

First, choose your favourite 20 values from this list. Then choose your top 15 and then your top 10 and then your top 5. This will give you a sense of which values take priority. If you want to prioritise your list in more detail, list the values in order of importance from one to 20. If there are values that you hold dearly but they’re not listed here, feel free to add them to your list. When writing down your list of values, you might want to outline how you expect to commit to them – a couple of sentences for each one should be enough.

Hopefully, you’re now clearer about what is most important in your life. Establishing your values and living according to them will help you approach life’s many choices with more certainty and less inner conflict.

Focus on yourself first, not others

Exploring your preferences, thoughts and emotions will hopefully lead to greater self-awareness, but be very careful not to judge yourself in the process. Choose your values, not someone else’s. I’m not recommending that you create a value list for society as a whole, because other people have their own views which you cannot and should not attempt to control. Your values are yours and yours only. They’re right for you and you only. Obviously, there will be a lot of crossover with like-minded people, but no two individuals’ lists will be identical. Your values give you a sense of direction with which to align your actions, and together they become your personal rule book, a benchmark against which everything you do can be compared.

Also, don’t choose values that you think you should have. At this stage refrain from asking yourself why you are the way you are and don’t look for the causes of your thoughts and behaviours. Ask ‘What?’ not ‘Why?’ questions:

What kind of person are you?

What do you feel, think and do in given situations?

For introspection to be successful, you need to have a flexible approach: let your mind wander and explore various perspectives, but also accept that you may not immediately find definitive answers.

Consider others’ values

We tend to feel mistrustful of people who have different values to our own and many disagreements are caused by contradictory value systems. Observing and understanding the values of other people in our lives enables us to appreciate why they choose what they do, which in turn enables us to understand and empathise with their decisions and actions.

Keep checking in with your values

In order to put your values into action, you need to know them well. This means reading your list once a week for four weeks and then once a month for a year. Clear values are the foundation stone for a meaningful life, so don’t be tempted to skip this stage of the process. High performers challenge their own values and philosophy and ask questions all the time. This whole process will bring a certain clarity as you progress through life, which in turn will help you create more meaningful goals. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your most heartfelt values.

Review your list every year or so to see whether you’re living according to your values. If the answer is yes, that’s great news. If the answer is no, then you need to adjust your life choices or adjust your list of values, or both.

Remember: Having clear values helps you think about what you really want so that you’re able to fully consider your goals and then describe them more precisely. Even if you have a few million in the bank, three houses and five cars, if your lifestyle is at odds with your values, you’ll be unhappy. It’s vital to establish your values so you can guide, encourage and back yourself with a clarity you’ve never experienced before.

2

BELIEFS

Challenge your beliefs.

Consider two ladies who have just turned 70. One of these ladies thinks her life is approaching its twilight and that her best years are behind her. The other lady, however, is very excited about all the things she still wants to do. How do we explain such a massive difference in attitude? It’s simply down to contrasting beliefs. The way that we view our world and ourselves is moulded by our beliefs.

What are beliefs?

Our beliefs are our ideas and observations of the world based on our life experiences. The problem is that most of us are intellectually lazy and many of our beliefs are mere generalisations, or are based on the opinions of other people. Once we adopt a belief, it usually sticks, and we hold on to our beliefs as if they’re certainties. And because we’re so convinced we’re right, we never challenge them. As a result, many of us cling to negative beliefs that prevent us from moving in a positive direction.

Make your beliefs empowering, not limiting

Our beliefs about who we are and who we can be heavily influence who we will be, so if we wish to create positive changes, we need to challenge our beliefs, especially those that are working against us. For example, if we decide that something is beyond our reach, we have built a barrier. Consider the example of the two 70-year-old ladies: one thought she was too old, the other didn’t. To get the most from your life, you need to swap your disabling beliefs for enabling beliefs.

Try This: For one week, make a pledge to stop criticising yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Don’t be defined by your past

Certain things that happened in the past might not have ended well for you but be careful that they do not influence your life forever. As the years pass by, your life memories get oversimplified, and many negative memories get amplified by replaying them many times over. Try to catch yourself doing this. Learn from past experiences, but do not allow yourself to be defined by them. Your life is in the now and the future, not in the past.

Question your beliefs

Don’t let your objectivity become muddled by stereotyping or by inflexible and dogmatic belief. A belief that is correct is a belief that can be substantiated with accurate data, not hearsay or random anecdotes. Unfortunately, though, most of us use poor generalisations as a proxy for hard facts; for example:

‘All politicians are useless.’

‘Businesses don’t care about anything except making money.’

‘I don’t see myself running my own business.’

‘I don’t think I’d be any good as a manager.’

We sometimes think we’re right when we’re actually wrong, so from time to time we have to be willing to challenge our opinions in order to reveal our blind spots. This isn’t easy because questioning our beliefs sometimes involves facing our anxieties and insecurities, or simply admitting we’re wrong. Don’t be deterred by this because the more we learn about ourselves and the world around us, the easier it will be to move forward.

Try This: Write down some of your most stubborn beliefs, especially the negative and less helpful ones – beliefs like ‘I’m a poor parent’, ‘I’m usually incompetent’, ‘My memory is terrible’ and ‘I’m hopeless at XYZ’. Then challenge each belief for truth and credibility.

Follow this thought process as you challenge each belief:

Is the belief true, false, or somewhere in the middle?

What evidence is available? What feedback have I had from a range of different people?

Do I need to modify this belief?

What are the implications of the belief or modified belief being true?

This method of disputing your beliefs takes practice but is well worth doing. When challenging your beliefs in this way, you must also be realistic. For example, if you really are incompetent at a particular thing, there is no point in trying to kid yourself that you’re not. In these situations, you need to decide how important your incompetence is. If it’s not that important, then try to work around it or if it’s really important then make a plan to become more competent. If a belief isn’t useful, you need to train yourself to let it go, change it or just reduce its intensity.

Remember: To initiate a transformation in your life you must begin by challenging your beliefs. Abandon false beliefs that work against you and replace them with realistic and empowering beliefs that help you get where you want to be.

3

OPTIMISM

If the glass is half-empty, let’s make it half-full.

Are you an optimist or a pessimist or somewhere in between? If you think you’re an optimist, how do you know you are? Are you just calling yourself an optimist because you think that it’s better than calling yourself a pessimist? Sometimes we think we’re optimistic but we still harbour a sizeable percentage of negative or pessimistic thoughts.

Optimists and pessimists come in all guises and it’s often not easy to categorise people unless we know them very well. There are, however, two main tendencies that pessimists and optimists have. When faced with a problem or difficult situation:

An optimist considers it a one-off, whereas a pessimist thinks the setback is part of a more enduring problem. For example, if you apply and then fail to get a new job, you might think, ‘I never get the jobs I really want.’ By using the word ‘never’, you make the setback permanent and you might give up. An optimist, however, will interpret the same outcome as an isolated event: ‘I didn’t get this job, but I’ll soon get another one.’

An optimist thinks outside factors caused the issue, whereas pessimists blame themselves. For example, if a pessimist loses a tennis match, they’ll think ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I made too many errors’. An optimist, on the other hand, will externalise the defeat and put it down to superior play from their opponent.

Depending on their life experiences, some people become pessimists, thinking they have little control over their destiny, and some people become optimists, feeling a strong sense of self-empowerment over what lies ahead. Most of us find a place somewhere in between.

Our thinking habits are learned during childhood, mainly from parents, caregivers, schoolteachers and friends. Children usually imitate their parents’ behaviour, so if a parent tends to explain events optimistically, their child will be more likely to develop a similar habit. However, because our internal dialogue is learned, we can relearn and change the way we ‘talk’ to ourselves. Therefore, if you’ve acquired a pessimistic outlook in childhood, you’re not predestined to have it forever. This is good news because there are many reasons why it’s preferable to be an optimist.

Reasons to be optimistic

Optimistic people set more difficult goals and put in more effort to attain