CYCLE BREAKER

A Guide to Transcending Childhood Trauma

Copyright @ 2022 Mindi Kessler, PhD

Published by Kessler Publishing; mindikessler.com.

Publication: September 6, 2022

All rights reserved. No part of this book except for brief quotations for

review may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means

without written permission from the publisher.

Contact: support@mindikessler.com

This book reflects the author’s recollections of her own

experiences over time, rendered to the best of her ability. The

names and identifying details of all clients have been changed.

Editorial and production management:

Robyn M Fritz, Alchemy West

Design and layout:

Robert Lanphear, Lanphear Design

Cover design: Monica Wells

Copyeditor:

Laurel Robinson, Laurel Robinson Editorial Services

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022911893

ISBN: 979-8-9864933-0-5

Ebook ISBN: 979-8-9864933-1-2

Dedication

To Kyle, Grace, and Molly:

I am infinitely grateful that you are my family.

Contents

Foreword

The Cycle Breaker Way

Preface

Introduction

Part I: Origins

Uncovering the Origins of Our Suffering

Chapter 1: What Is Wrong with Me?

Chapter 2: What Happened to Me?

Chapter 3: Why Parents Hurt Us

Chapter 4: Attachment

Chapter 5: Beliefs

Chapter 6: A Template for Abuse

Chapter 7: How We Cope

Part II: Consequences

The Enduring Impact of Childhood Trauma

Chapter 8: Triggers

Chapter 9: Mental and Emotional Consequences

Chapter 10: Self-Abuse

Chapter 11: Relationship Consequences

Chapter 12: Suicidal Ideation

Chapter 13: Physical Consequences

Part III: Empowerment

Tasks of Recovering from Childhood Trauma

Pillar 1: Personal Responsibility

Pillar 2: Embrace Difficulties

Pillar 3: Vision

Pillar 4: Know Your Story

Pillar 5: Embrace Your Spiritual Self

Pillar 6: Acceptance

Pillar 7: Trust

Pillar 8: Inner Child Healing

Pillar 9: Emotional Mastery

Pillar 10: Befriend Your Body

Pillar 11: Love

Pillar 12: Thought Mastery

Pillar 13: Gratitude

Pillar 14: Master Your Triggers

Pillar 15: Forgiveness

Pillar 16: Use Your Gifts

Conclusion

Appendix: Approaches to Trauma Treatment

References

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Foreword

When I was working toward my PhD in clinical psychology about fifty years ago there was a lively debate among professors and students about how real developmental trauma was and what its significance might be in understanding psychological problems and mental health diagnoses.

Some thought it was a fiction. Most thought that although it most likely was present, it was also much less prevalent than some might think and easily treatable using an assortment of cognitive-behavioral interventions. When I was asked to develop a program to treat the effects of child abuse early in my career, it became clear to me that trauma most certainly existed in those who had experienced child abuse and neglect. However, it took a number of years before I realized how pervasive its symptoms were and how difficult it was to help children and youth resolve their traumas. It was challenging to help them develop an integrated life that was not significantly impacted by having experienced verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual assaults in their homes, with their own parents being the perpetrators.

When I realized the eclectic therapeutic training that I had received did not adequately provide me with a means to offer effective therapy I developed my own model of comprehensive interventions (therapeutic, parenting, educational) for those who had been traumatized. This model of intervention became known as Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) and it was influenced by my knowledge of attachment, intersubjectivity, trauma, and eventually neurobiology. I also developed a training program for other professionals who were struggling to provide a more effective intervention model for children who had experienced complex, developmental trauma.

When trauma occurs within your family and your attachment figures are unable to prevent it, especially when they cause it, its effects are likely to be persistent and pervasive. If you trust that your parents will keep you safe and your trust has been betrayed, it will be hard to trust them again. You are even likely to mistrust other adults, such as your teacher or therapist, who are caring and committed to what is best for you. To protect yourself from future relational trauma you are likely to not see or believe signs of safety from caring adults. In effect, those who hurt you in the past are still hurting you by making it very hard to trust others enough for you to heal.

The challenges these individuals face well into adulthood as well as the interventions that might help them begin to trust again are presented in this book by Mindi Kessler, PhD.

One of my early students, Dr. Kessler quickly demonstrated her clinical sensitivity and commitment to offering aid to traumatized children. Now when I read this powerful work, which follows her own personal path through pervasive relational trauma, I understand trauma more deeply than ever before. I am certain that if professionals had read it years ago they would not have minimized or questioned the impact of trauma on human development.

Dr. Kessler shares with us many moments in her life in which she experienced extreme pain at the hands of those she trusted—her parents. This caused her to create barriers to remembering and feeling this pain in order to survive, but at great expense to both her mind and body. With brutal honesty she presents the origins and consequences of her trauma and how she dealt with it. While at times it is painful to read Mindi’s story, it helps us be more prepared to heal our own trauma, and, if we are practitioners, more able, through empathy and understanding, to help clients resolve their traumatic pain. That is her gift to us. She also offers a better understanding of specifically how the traumatized may become empowered to challenge and move beyond their trauma.

Yes, Dr. Kessler has become a cycle breaker for herself, and, through this book, for many others. In her personal experience and her professional practice she has found ways to help those who have also been betrayed in their early attachment relationships to overcome trauma.

Successful interventions require both our minds and our hearts. Dr. Kessler has awakened and fostered the development of both.

Daniel Hughes, PhD

Founder and Developer,

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP)

The Cycle Breaker Way

Iam a cycle breaker. Maybe you are one, too. Or maybe you want to be one. We become cycle breakers by recognizing that we want more for our lives.

We are willing to do the courageous work of identifying the destructive patterns that our parents passed down to us. The ones their parents passed down to them. The same ones that we are trying to not pass down to our children or use to sabotage our relationships with others.

These patterns can include behaviors such as having problems setting boundaries; being excessively angry, controlling, or perfectionist; or being addicted to anything that helps us numb ourselves from pain.

The presence of destructive patterns in our lives is often an indicator that we have experienced developmental trauma. Developmental trauma occurs when children do not feel safe and/or are made to feel unworthy. When children are harmed, it shapes how they see themselves and the world. Their responses to trauma get wired into the brain, body, and psyche and penetrate every area of life, infiltrating their nervous system, character development, and ability to trust.

Developmental trauma can result from experiences of extreme abuse, including physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. Developmental trauma can also occur with infractions such as routinely being told you are too much trouble, having overly strict parents who limit your choices and freedom, or feeling unimportant because your parents spend little time with you.

The need for cycle breaking emerges for adults who are unable to find peace in the present and no longer want to be controlled by the past. Cycle breakers are prepared to stop suppressing pain and are ready to create space for a bountiful future. This requires self-reflection and a willingness to address past wounds and move forward.

We cycle breakers take personal responsibility for our wellbeing by releasing apathy or blame and bitterness and becoming a deliberate creator of our lives. The process of healing restores our connection to Essence, the Divine part of us that never doubts or judges. Our Essence is always lovingly guiding us through every step on our path. As we allow ourselves to fully embrace and connect with this part of us, we become vibrant and alive.

People who are cycle breakers in the making know what they don’t want but often lack the confidence and knowledge to put the past to rest and resuscitate a life that has been depleted of ease and joy. That was the case for me. I had an assortment of trauma symptoms that I had not identified as trauma symptoms. My body was permanently tense, and I suffered from chronic pain conditions, insomnia, autoimmune issues, and extreme fatigue. I was very hard on myself and mindlessly engaged in people pleasing, perfectionism, and workaholism. I was depressed and in awe of people who were not. I was stressed all the time.

For many years I tried to feel better, but I could not. I worked with a variety of professionals to find out what was wrong with me. At the time, our society was not very aware of how childhood trauma was reflected in the symptoms I had. I felt hopeless, unable to understand why I was so physically and emotionally miserable. When I thought I had exhausted all my options for feeling good, I had an awakening experience that showed me I had barely scratched the surface.

I agree with Maya Angelou, who said, There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. Keeping secrets, such as not telling people about the abuse we experienced, takes an immeasurable toll us. I reached a point where I was no longer willing to further wound myself by suppressing the story inside me. This book reflects my cycle breaker journey. This is the story of how I transcended the pain from extreme childhood abuse and created a life I love. I now teach others to do the same.

It’s important to consider the following questions if you want to create a life you love. Is what you are doing now working for you? Are you happy, or are you resentful? Do you have peace in your life, or do you feel out of balance? Are you living the life of your dreams, or are you observing others live theirs while you watch with a chip on your shoulder?

To live a meaningful life we must examine big questions like why we’re here, why we have suffered, and what healing means. When we persistently seek the truth, we will find the answers. As you find your answers, you find your way back to yourself and reunite with your Essence, the Divine part of you that has been with you all along.

I offer this book as a guide as you aspire to be free from the confinement of trauma and an unfulfilled life. Every reader will be at a different place on their journey. Some concepts may immediately resonate. Others may be very triggering or may not feel true at all for you. It is important to digest and integrate what works for you and let the rest go. As we each progress on our journey, our consciousness expands, and we are more prepared to embrace principles about personal growth that once felt dismissive or confusing. If something doesn’t land for you now, maybe it will later. As a teacher, coach, and therapist, it is not my job to tell people what to think or believe, but rather to help them find their own truth.

Although I have learned a great deal about suffering and healing, I still have a lot to learn. Thi s book reflects what I feel to be true at this point in my human experience. I am thankful to the many healers, authors, and teachers I have learned from and the courageous clients who have sat on my couch, bravely sharing their journey with me. Some of their stories are included here with their permission. Their names and personal characteristics have been changed to respect their privacy.

Before you begin this book, I invite you to create a safe space for yourself. Consider the important elements to put in place that will allow you to feel comfortable and supported as you read and process this information. You may want to light a candle and grab your favorite cozy blanket, crystals, and essential oils before reading. Or you may want to read with a friend who is on the same path. You can also wear your favorite cardigan, the one that feels like a hug, or take a warm Epsom salts bath.

You may wonder if you could still benefit from this book if you don’t think you have experienced developmental trauma. Everyone has faced difficulties, both in childhood and as an adult. You may simply be unaware of the toll these experiences have taken on you. This book is essentially for anyone who wants to live a fulfilling life. No matter the degree of hardship you have faced, this book is for you.

I am honored that you have chosen to read my book. You have what it takes to become a cycle breaker and create a beautiful life.

I’m rooting for you.

Preface

My childhood was very difficult. I was raised by parents who were quite wounded and uncaring. They married when my mom was seventeen and my dad was twenty-four. In just over two years, they had two children. I am the youngest.

As the oldest daughter in a family of seven children my mom had to care for her siblings, but it was clear that she did not know how to nurture. Maybe she did not receive warmth from her parents and so had none to pass on. Her mother was always kind to me, and I felt loved by her, but we didn’t live close by, and so I had little contact with this one loving presence. We did not see my mother’s father very often, but there was a darkness in him that persuaded me to avoid him.

My dad was one of two boys. His mother and his alcoholic father divorced when he was young; he was raised by a single mother and lived in poverty. I was told that he was regularly disappointed as he waited for visits with his father that didn’t happen. He told me about being home alone with his brother, hiding under the kitchen table and holding a knife for fear of someone breaking in. I don’t know everything they went through growing up, but I know enough to know my parents both dealt with substantial childhood trauma.

Completely overwhelmed with two young children and without their own sense of security, my parents repeated the abuse and neglect they experienced with my brother and me. They didn’t seem to like each other or their children. They were remarkably angry, intolerant, and punitive. I came into the world as a traumatized baby, saturated in the womb with the fear and coldness that consumed my mother. It never got better.

Throughout my youth, I was immensely vulnerable. By age three I was an astute observer, an expert at body language. Maybe sooner. I fine-tuned my ability to predict, as much as anyone could, how the various tones in my parents’ voices correlated with rage, condemnation, or the dreaded silent treatment. I studied facial expressions and body language to quickly detect shifts in their moods that could end in hostility and criticism. And then I braced myself, until bracing became my permanent state.

I was starved for love and warmth in a family that had very little to give. The neglect I experienced fueled a desperation for kindness, but it was dangerous to seek it from my empty parents. I often denied my impulse for connection to prevent rejection, which I believed was remarkably likely because of my parents’ disdain for being burdened by my needs. I felt totally alone except for the kindness of my schoolteachers and some good friends, but no one knew how incredibly damaging my home life was.

My parents were easily angered and highly volatile. It was clear I could never do anything right in their eyes, which left me feeling frozen most of the time. My brother learned by their example that treating me with contempt was the norm, and I did not feel safe from him, either. Permanent hypervigilance was a requirement: I often contemplated how to choose the behavior that would most precisely limit the harm I endured. This made me strive for perfection, which was impossible: How could I precisely choose the right response, the right action or inaction, that would increase my odds of connection and decrease my odds of attack? It’s no wonder I was so anxious, had headaches and stomachaches, and was always exhausted. Abandonment and terror are consuming.

The sexual abuse from my father started when I was quite young and continued for many years. I believe it started when I was so young that my body never had the chance to settle into the blueprint of a healthy body. This was the origin of the pelvic pain and resulting agony I felt for thirty years, which interfered with all parts of my life.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that my parents were guilty of brutality toward me, I protected them. I internalized their feelings of hatred for me, and I learned to hate myself. Incapable of managing a betrayal so vast, I suppressed my rage and turned it inward. Acknowledging my pain would have forced me to face the unbearable truth of being totally alone, which I could not do, so I developed ways to cope. I masterfully evolved skills of suppression (don’t feel), denial (don’t acknowledge the truth), and self-sacrifice (don’t need anything). I buried my authentic self so deeply I no longer even knew who I was. My entire existence revolved around finding safety, and it was a complicated pursuit.

I constructed my day to limit being harmed. I was hyper-focused on avoiding and preventing the constant criticism, yelling, screaming, hitting, judgment, and just plain meanness in my home. This left no bandwidth for