Life in Ohio

When I was very young, around three or four years of age, my family, which included my two sisters, Cynthia and Patricia, and Mom and Dad, lived in Columbus, Ohio.

My mother and father weren’t very compatible, I think. Even though they were married and were supposed to be in love, or so I thought at that time, they didn’t get along very well. What I can remember about the time we spent in Ohio isn’t very pleasant. I have tried to analyze why they didn’t get along as I thought back in my later years, and maybe after I tell the story, you, the reader, can make your own analogy.

Like in a typical family, in the beginning, my father went to work and my mother mostly stayed at home with me and my two sisters. Even though my mother was there with us, however, I felt she was distant and somewhat preoccupied. My father, on the other hand, was very fatherly and loved his children deeply. After he got home from work, he’d play games with us. There was such enthusiasm about him, and we loved the way he would run after us, playing, chasing, and grabbing us around our waist, lifting us high into the air and, of course, catching us on our way down. The thrill of our dad hoisting us high into the air always caused us to scream and laugh. Yes, what fond memories when I think about those times! When we had such a good and loving time with our dad.

We, my sisters and I, would, on more than one occasion, call from the backyard, Mama, come and play with us! Please come play with us and Daddy! I remember, most of the time, she would come to the back door with the telephone, talking to someone, and would just wave at us from the back porch while smiling, still talking on the phone. However, in all those times I can remember she would turn and go back into the house, still talking on the phone, but giving my dad a dirty and disgusted look.

That was when most of the arguments with my father and mother started.

She would be on the phone, talking, and I would notice, when my father came into the room, she would start to whisper to someone she was speaking to.

My father had asked her why she was on the phone so much. Why didn’t she spend some time with him and the kids? She would get furious and start screaming at him. I can talk to whomever and whenever I want to! My mother would begin to call my dad bad names and start yelling really loud. I would notice some of the neighbors looking out the windows, and others would walk outside onto their porches to see what all the noise was about. All during the loud yelling, she would be talking to someone at the other end of the phone, saying, Oh, don’t worry about it, sweetheart. That’s my ignorant old man trying to tell me I can’t speak to whomever I want. All as she proceeded to walk into the house.

My father, when home with us, was a loving and kind father.

My memory of my father in that early childhood is mostly that his life was filled with worry and grief. I would see it sometimes in his eyes and the sad look on his face. He, of course, would try to hide it from us. There would be several times when he came home in the afternoon after work and saw us kids in the house by ourselves. There would be only my sister Pat looking after the three of us.

One time he asked, Where’s your mother? Why isn’t she here?

My sister Pat replied, Daddy, she left earlier, saying that she would be back before you get home.

Have you kids had anything to eat? he asked, looking at us.

Pat answered, Yes, Daddy. I made us all sandwiches with mustard and sugar early this morning.

Okay, come with me.

We followed our daddy into the kitchen, where he made us dinner and playfully made a game out of preparing dinner, making us laugh as he told funny stories about him growing up on a farm in Tennessee.

On numerous occasions, in the early hours of the morning, while sleeping, I would be awakened by hearing a lot of commotion outside my bedroom window. Once, I got out of bed, tiptoeing to the window, and peeked out through the blinds, lifting them slightly so as not to be noticed. There was a lot of loud laughing and talking. I heard the familiar voice of my mother speaking to some man. I could not recognize his voice but knew that it was not my daddy’s.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps walking across the front porch and heard the front door open. I hurriedly got back into bed, and after a brief period, a bad odor filled the house. This familiar odor that filled the room, I had learned to recognize later as beer.

Certain times in the evenings, I noticed that my dad would go outside into the backyard and just walk around. Whenever I looked around the rooms, trying to find him, I would eventually see him in the backyard, just strolling around, back and forth, and appearing to be talking to someone. But no one was there.

Once, I excitedly opened the back door and yelled down at him, Hi, Daddy! I hurried down all the steps from the back porch and ran toward him with my arms held high in the air, anticipating his picking me up and wrapping his arms around me, hugging me. I loved my dad so very much and missed him when he was gone to work all day.

He called back to me, Go back inside. I will be in a little while. Go see what your sisters are doing!

But I kept running toward him, and as I got near, he turned quickly around with his back toward me. I kept running and eventually ran into my dad, bumping him from behind.

He quickly turned around, reaching down, picking me up, and hugging me tightly, kissing me around the cheeks and neck, scratching me with his day-old beard.

I thought I told you to stay in the house and see what your sisters were doing? he asked.

But, Daddy, I responded, I want to be with you!

I know you do, son. He smiled at me, holding me tightly in his big strong arms.

While he held me, I could detect a slight quiver and break in his voice when he spoke. I held my arms against his chest, pushing back, and looked at him. My dad had tears streaming down his face, and his eyes were red.

I felt sad for my dad and wanted to cry.

Daddy, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?

Daddy is just tired from work, son, he told me, and I’ve got problems with this bad air in this town. It hurts your daddy’s eyes.

But, Daddy! I had a look of disbelief showing on my face.

No, son, Daddy’s all right. I’m just tired, okay? he reassured me. Let us talk about you starting school soon, son. Are you excited about meeting new friends? As he spoke to me, I could see him wiping the tears from his eyes and cheeks with his hands, though still managing to smile at me.

I told him, I guess so, Dad, but why do I have to go to school?

Because, son, everybody needs to go to school to be smart and to care for their families. I need for you to go to school also, son. I need for you to get a good education to get a good career so you won’t have to work as hard as your dad does or get as dirty as I do. When you have a good career, you’ll be able to care for your family. You will need to provide for your family and love them like I love all of you, he told me.

Daddy? I asked, not because I did not know the answer but because I wanted to hear my dad say the words. You do love us, don’t you?

Oh yes, son, I love you all so very much. He looked at me with tears streaming down his cheeks. Don’t you ever think that your dad doesn’t love you! As he spoke those precious words to me, he embraced me tightly and held me in his arms.

But, Daddy, why are you crying? And why are you so sad most of the time when you’re home?

Son, I’m not sad, and you don’t need to concern yourself with things like that, he said. Now, let’s talk about going to school, okay? Have you got all your school clothes ready for your first day of school tomorrow?

I nodded.

Now, go back inside with your sisters and I’ll be in there shortly. He turned me around and patted me on the backside gently, sending me on my way toward the back door.

I looked around at my dad, pouting, and it must have looked like my lower lip was dragging the ground. Daddy, when is Mommy coming home? I asked.

She’ll be home in a little while, son.

Most of the time, as I remember, living in Ohio, some of the circumstances seemed very vague, because I was very young. Hence, it’s hard for me to remember my father and mother ever being very loving toward each other. They were mostly arguing and fighting. I’m sure there were times that they did love each other, but those times are so hard to visualize in my mind now.

When my dad was home, our mother would find some excuse to go somewhere by herself. We would all try to go with her because we didn’t want her to leave and we didn’t know when she would be back, but she would tell us, No, you kids stay here and wait for your dad. He’ll be home shortly. You don’t have to chase after me every time I go out the door. Most times I would grab onto my mom’s leg, crying, Please, Mom, I want to go with you. Take me with you! I would look around at my sister Pat, who would usually be sitting on the couch, holding Cynthia. I would look and plead for her to help me and get our mother to take us with her. My mother would look over at Pat sitting on the couch. Come over here and get your brother. She would then grab me by the arm and pull me off her leg, dropping me to the floor. I remember just lying there, crying, as she went out the door, and my sister Pat coming over, grabbing me by the arms and pulling me over toward the couch.

Whenever my dad would come home and my mother wasn’t there, he would always ask us, Where is your mother? And how long has she been gone? How long have you kids been here by yourself? He would have an angry look on his face as he asked us about our mother. Though my dad would be angry, when he got home and saw that we were alone, he would always make excuses for her and say she must be out shopping or visiting friends. However, when my mother was home, she would either be on the telephone or out near the street, talking to different men that would frequently stop near our house and blow their horns. Mama would run from the house to the curb, laughing as she did, only stopping when she got to the car. She would reach her arms into the door of the car, hugging this man and kissing him on the cheek, all the while laughing at the top of her lungs.

I’d stand on the front porch of the house, watching her and this strange man laughing and talking, all while my sister Pat whispered for me to come inside before Mama got mad.

Mama, I asked her once from the front porch, are you going anywhere? Can I go?

Get back in the house! she shouted. Pat, get out there and get your brother right now!

My sister came out on the porch, grabbed me by the arm, and pulled me into the house, telling me, Come on, Bubba! That was the name she called me when we were small.

There was one man that came by the house quite often. My mother would get in his car, and they would sit there for what seemed like hours. On many occasions, they would leave and be gone for hours at a time, right up until my dad would come home from work. When we’d hear the car motor starting and see it begin to pull away, we’d run outside, yelling at him and our mama, Mama, where are you going? Please take us with you! We would run alongside the car as it traveled down the street, pleading with her to not leave us and to take us with her.

No! She would then start to curse at us. You two, go back inside and watch your sister Cynthia until I get back! I won’t be long. Now, go back inside like I said! She would look around through the back window, laughing as the car sped faster away from us. She would then lean closer to the man, putting her arm around his shoulder, all while kissing his cheek and ear.

Of course, we’d run after her and the car until we got tired of crying and yelling for her to stop, but she’d just look out the back window, pointing at us and laughing.

Eventually, we would stop staring at the car speeding away with our mother inside and then walk back to our house. As we did, we would notice the neighbors out on their porches, having apparently heard what had occurred with all our yelling and crying. They would come out with concern to see what was wrong.

Our neighbors had seen this sort of thing too many times before, with our mother driving off with some other man that they knew was not our father. Sometimes they would ask, Is anything wrong, children? Can we help you? Do you want to come in and wait here until your dad gets home? My sister Pat would grab my hand, and she would tell them, No, ma’am, we will be okay. And we’d continue walking toward the house as fast as we could.

They would be standing there, looking at us and talking among themselves. We did not want to cause any trouble for our mother in the neighborhood, or with our dad.

Once, when we got back to the house from running after our mother, we heard our baby sister, Cynthia, crying and screaming from inside. My sister Pat hurried up the stairs, onto the front porch, and tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge.

She looked around at me, and I asked her, What’s wrong?

The door’s locked. I can’t get in! she shouted. Oh, Bubba! she said. We’re locked out, and Cynthia is in there all alone. She’s crying!

I screamed at her to keep pushing. We’ve got to get in there to Cynthia! Mom is going to be mad at us for not taking care of her while she’s not home.

I’m trying to get it open, she said, but it won’t!

She took my hand, and we hurriedly walked around the house, climbing the back stairs and onto the back door, but it was also locked. We hurried back down the stairs, walking around the house, looking at all the windows to see if any were open. We found one window partially opened, but it was too high for either of us to climb up and reach.

I know! I have an idea. You wait here! Pat yelled. She ran around the house and eventually returned dragging a large ladder behind her. Bubba, come here, help me! Please!

I rushed over to where she was, and we both struggled to pull the ladder near the wall where the window was. We could hear Cynthia crying from the open window, and we both began to cry while still struggling to get the ladder up against the house. We pushed to lift it and finally hefted the ladder with all our strength up the wall, then lost our grip and heard one of the windowpanes break. We both looked at each other, trying to wipe the tears from our eyes. My sister climbed the ladder, looking back at me, telling me to stay right there and hold the ladder.

I’m going inside to get Cynthia. When I get inside, I’ll yell, and then you can come around to the front door and I’ll open it and let you in.

When she got to the top of the ladder, she began pushing on the partially open window, but it would not move. She looked down at me, crying loudly, Bubba, it won’t open!

She pushed and pushed, and eventually, she got it to open. She climbed inside, and I could hear the crushing sound of her body falling to the floor. She could be heard running and crying through the house toward the room where Cynthia was also crying hysterically.

I was still holding on to the ladder and crying but finally realized it was okay to let go.

I heard my sister Pat yelling at me to come around to the front door, which was where she had told me to meet her. Before I could get around to the front door, I heard her yelling, Bubba, where are you?

I came around the corner of the house and ran onto the front porch still crying. Here I am!

Okay, she said, come inside and help me with Cynthia. She won’t stop crying.

It was beginning to get dark outside as we shut the front door and went into our parents’ room, trying to comfort Cynthia. We emptied her bottle and put some fresh milk in it, then checked her diaper and changed it the best Pat knew how. Cynthia eventually stopped crying, and we both sat down on the floor at the foot of our parents’ bed while holding Cynthia lying across both our legs.

Pat, I asked, what about the broken window? What are we going to do?

We’ll just have to tell Mama and Daddy what happened if they ask, okay?

I wish Mom would come back home. I’m getting scared. When will Daddy get home?

Pat replied, Daddy will be home late as usual because he’s at work. Mama hopefully will be home before he gets home, just as she does all the other times when she goes away with that man.

Eventually, we all three fell asleep at the foot of the bed, on the floor.

Suddenly, sometime during the night, I was suddenly awakened by a loud crying and screaming. Mama had gotten home and was hitting Pat with her fists repeatedly as she held a handful of her hair in her hand.

My mother had a bad smell on her breath and apparently was mad because she thought Pat had not changed Cynthia’s diaper even though we both knew that she had. Sometimes, when my mother went out and stayed away for a while, she’d come home and have a bad smell on her breath, and the odor would linger throughout the night and on into the next day. As she had been so many times before, she was so angry and started hitting and yelling at me and Pat. We could not understand why we were getting hit or why she was screaming at us. She directed most of her anger toward Pat and hit and slapped her, asking her why she didn’t do what someone else was told to do.

It was not entirely Mama’s fault, though. She didn’t mean to hit or yell at us; she was just mad at something or someone else when she got back home. We should have gotten up and changed Cynthia again before she got home. We tried to do everything she told us to do before she left, but sometimes I think we forgot some things she had told us to do.

She wanted the house to be cleaned when our daddy got home because she told us she had to leave on business and we needed to have it cleaned for her. I think she did not want Daddy to know she had been gone on business.

I began to cry, asking my mother to stop hitting and slapping my sister. She had her by the hair and was hitting her and slapping her repeatedly about her head and viciously throwing her around the room. My mother looked over at me and told me, Shut up, because you’re next, you little ——! She used a curse word that I would not repeat. I was screaming and crying, and our baby sister, Cynthia, was screaming also at the top of her lungs.

My mother, while holding Pat by a handful of her hair, was slapping her back and forth across the face. I think she would have hurt her badly if Cynthia had not caught her attention with her continuous loud crying. Pat fell to the floor as my mother released her tight grip on her and let her fall to the floor. I think maybe her arm had gotten tired, but again she picked her up by the hair and slapped her again with such viciousness that I just knew my sister had to be hurt seriously. I was praying that my sister would either run away or just stay on the floor when she again fell, but Mama picked her up again, grabbing her around the neck, choking her, yelling, You little [she called her another bad name]! You’ll do what I say next time! And then she went toward the closet, opening the door, shoving Pat inside as she kicked her with her feet.

I could see and hear her falling to the floor, crying because of an injury that I knew later came from her nose and lip. Pat scooted with her backside on the floor to the back of the closet, into a corner, bringing her legs up to her chest, and turned away from us.

My mother called me over to her. Come here, you little [expletive]!

As I struggled to my feet, trembling, I walk toward her, and as I did, she grabbed me by the hair and pushed me inside the closet with Pat. Get in there with your sister until I tell you both when you can come out! I hurried inside as Pat reached out and grabbed me, both of us holding each other, trying to not cry out loud. My mother then slammed the door shut with us inside. I heard the lock turn and then click.

It was dark inside the closet, with a faint light coming from beneath the door of the adjacent bedroom.

A few minutes later, the closet door opened again, and my mother stood there, holding our baby sister, Cynthia, by the arm; she just dangled there. Here, take your sister! Mama yelled, and Pat reached up, grabbing Cynthia as she dangled from my mother’s arm right at the instant my mother let her go. Here’s a diaper. Get her cleaned up. She’s a mess! Then she slammed the door shut again.

I saw that she put something at the bottom of the door to keep the light from coming in.

I heard the door lock again, and I and my sister Pat just sat there in the dark, crying, holding each other and trying to comfort baby Cynthia. The closet floor was bare hardwood, but we managed to all three cuddle one another. Eventually, we all fell asleep.

This was not the first time our mother had put us in the closet, and eventually, we started to find it to be some sort of sanctuary for us.

During the night or early in the morning, we were awakened by the closet door opening. We both looked up to see my daddy reaching down, talking gently to me and Pat to get up. I noticed my dad’s eyes fill with tears as he went down to his knees and held us on the floor. Everything is going to be all right, he told us. Daddy’s going to see to that.

Daddy, where is Mom? I asked. She didn’t feel well last night, I told him.

She is asleep in the living room, on the couch. Come with me, he said.

We followed him to Mom and Daddy’s bed, where he laid us down, pulling the covers over all of us. He kissed us both, Pat and me, on top of our heads and told us all to go to sleep.

But, Daddy, where are you going? I asked with a tremble in my voice.

I’ll be back in a minute. I just must wash up before I come to bed. You two just go to sleep, he responded as he walked away, looking around at me and Pat. I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to have my two precious angels sleep with their dad tonight.

I must have fallen asleep, because soon I could feel the weight of my dad as he lay down and pulled me, Pat, and Cynthia into his arms. I felt safe falling asleep, knowing everything was going to be okay.

I do vaguely remember overhearing a conversation that my grandfather had with our daddy. This occurred on one of the visits that they had before we moved to Tennessee. And a little hard farmwork wouldn’t hurt them either! he said with a defiant laugh.

This scary man that spoke with such harshness was my grandfather. He wore what appeared to be an old gangster-type brimmed hat, and as he pushed himself back in his seat, he raised his arm in the air, pointing his finger at my dad. I don’t know why you did not listen to me and Mama when we told you that you would get yourself into a lot of trouble if you came up here. These women up here are nothing but prostitutes! They are not like a good young Southern girl—they do what you tell them, and if they don’t, you can always whip them if they get out of line. Your mother always stayed in line, except one time, when she did not have supper on the table when I came in from the field. But after I switched her bottom good, she had to sleep out in the smokehouse that night. I could hear her blubbering most of the night until I went out and opened the door and threw a bucket of cold water on her. She shut up after that! He reared back and chuckled. I guess because I did turn the overhead light on for her and told her it would go off if she did not shut up. It does get dark out in the country, and you know we did not have a city light out on one of those poles like you have up here.

He continued, You know, the good book says that a woman should obey their husbands. That’s probably why that jezebel you’re married to left, because she wasn’t raised with hickory switches across her backside! If you had taken her on one of those coon hunting trips we used to go on and tied her to a good, sweet gum tree and left for a few hours, she then would have learned to do what she was told and not talk back! If she had gotten beaten a few times, you and the kids wouldn’t have had this problem, would you?

My dad then spoke up in a loud, angry voice. Listen to me. You’re not going to treat my kids like you treated us, or do to them the things you did to my sister! He glared over at my uncle William as he said the last part. These are my kids, and I’ll raise them with all the love and kindness that I can give. If there were any other way, I would not be asking you for this help.

Uncle William attempted to calm the situation down and spoke up. Are you going to wake the kids up?

Well, my grandfather said, then cursed, they should’ve been awake an hour ago. It’s five thirty now and going on six o’clock. It is time they woke up. I can tell you now they are not going to sleep all day when I get them back home.

Dad, my father called, speaking up, they’re just children.

Well, let me tell you again, you know I was clearing land when I was seven with an ax and a team of mules at daylight until after dark. I know a little farmwork won’t hurt any of them, Grandpa responded.

Let me tell you again,