Building Tolerance to Life’s Inevitabilities

By

Trent L. Culver

Copyright © 2023

All Rights Reserved

Author’s Note

The information presented in this book is not a substitute for seeking professional care tailored to your specific situation. Each person and family has unique needs that require proper therapy and medical advice. This book is intended solely for educational purposes and should not be considered the definitive treatment for your individual needs. If you find yourself needing immediate professional care, please contact your local emergency number or mental health crisis hotline for immediate assistance.

It is important to understand that this publication aims to provide accurate and authoritative information on the subject matter covered. However, the author is not engaged in providing psychological, legal, or any other professional services. If you require expert assistance or counseling, it is advisable to seek the services of a competent professional.

With these in mind, I invite you to explore the content of this book, which aims to offer valuable insights and guidance. May it empower you to uncover your true potential and enable you to lead a more connected and fulfilling life.

Dedication

To my late parents: Thank you and thank you.  To my brother, thank you for your unwavering loyalty. To my beautiful wife, thank you for your unconditional love. To Chiquita and Mookie, thank you for your timely emotional love.

To all who want to take the POWER BACK!

Acknowledgment

I would like to thank the following psychological disciplines that changed my life:

First and foremost, I am grateful to Adlerian Psychology for the invaluable lessons I learned during my time at Adler University. The emphasis on genuine empathy and the transformative power of encouragement deeply resonated with me. The seeds planted during those formative years continue to influence my approach to building meaningful connections and creating a supportive environment for others.

The introduction of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) marked a pivotal moment in my journey. The understanding of how our thoughts and interpretations shape our emotions and behaviors was a revelation. CBT provided me with the tools to challenge negative thinking patterns, reframe perspectives, and cultivate greater emotional well-being. It was a transformative experience that forever changed my relationship with my own mind.

And lastly, in recent years, the discovery of Positive Psychology has been a beacon of light. It has shown me that amidst the challenges of life, we possess an abundance of inherent strengths and resilience. Positive Psychology has shifted my focus towards nurturing these strengths, fostering optimism, and promoting personal growth. Its profound impact has allowed me to embrace the inherent goodness within myself and others, instilling a sense of hope and possibility.

I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to the founders, professors, practitioners, and researchers in Adlerian Psychology, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Positive Psychology. Your contributions have not only enriched my life but also inspired my dedication to helping others unlock their potential and live fulfilling lives.

About the Author

Dr. Culver is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified alcohol and drug counselor who is deeply committed to providing a holistic approach to mental health. With a career spanning over two decades, his unwavering mission has been to help individuals and families unlock their true potential and lead lives that are deeply connected and fulfilling.

As a public speaker, coach, and author, Dr. Culver is dedicated to offering genuine and meaningful guidance that propels individuals further in life. He understands the power of authentic work that resonates with individuals, allowing them to make thoughtful transformations.

In addition to his professional pursuits, Dr. Culver is passionate about the beautiful outdoors, sports, music, and movies and integrates these interests into his work, employing different methods to provide a deeper understanding of oneself, personal goals, and values.

Table of Contents

Author’s Note

Dedication

Acknowledgment

About the Author

Foreword

Chapter 1: Tolerance

Chapter 2: Our Struggles Strengthen Us

Chapter 3: Understanding Non-Productive Thoughts and the Inner Critic

Chapter 4: The Rebirth and Reframe

Chapter 5: The Noise

Chapter 6: Acting Opposite

Chapter 7: Metabolizing Our Victories

Chapter 8: Your ‘Why’ & ‘Oath’ in Life

Chapter 9: The Other Side

Chapter 10: Personal Courage

Thank You!

Foreword

In the pages that follow, Dr. Trent L. Culver aims to embark you on a transformative journey guided by his wisdom and expertise. As a psychologist, he embraces a fundamental role - one that is rooted in trust, empathy, and a nonjudgmental stance. The foundation of the therapeutic relationship, which he forged early in his career while running a teen center, is built upon trust, effective listening, respect, and genuine care.

Moving forward, you will find a tapestry of knowledge presented in various styles: from written words to captivating parables, thought-provoking metaphors, and even vibrant visuals. He understands that each person has their own unique way of absorbing information, and so he considered it essential to cater to different learning preferences. Whether you are a visual learner who finds inspiration in images or someone who thrives on metaphors and narratives, Dr. Culver wanted to ensure that this book speaks to you just as it should.

To further enhance accessibility, an audio version of this book is also available. He recognizes that auditory learners often find great resonance in spoken words and wants to provide an immersive experience that caters to their needs. It is his belief that knowledge should transcend limitations and be accessible to everyone, regardless of their learning style.

Dr. Culver respects the complexity of the human journey and understands that each individual's path is unique. Rather than making lofty claims, his intention is to provide you with valuable insights, practical tools, and diverse perspectives that can empower you on your personal quest.

Whether you choose to read this book in its written form or immerse yourself in the accompanying audio version, know that Dr. Culver has poured his heart and soul into crafting a comprehensive and engaging resource.

It is my pleasure to introduce you to the remarkable insights and guidance contained within these pages. As you immerse yourself in this book, I encourage you to reflect on your own journey, embracing the challenges and cultivating your unique strengths.

- Trent L. Culver

Chapter 1: Tolerance

Within the embrace of tolerance lies the seed of serenity, while the rejection of differences sows’ seeds of discord and unrest.

The word tolerance is from the early fifteenth century, from the Latin word ‘tolerantia.’ This word was originally intended to endure distress or offer support. In 1765, it was associated with a more modern definition; it began to denote a tendency to free oneself from judgment.

Personally, I view tolerance as enduring distress by leaning into the cause without judgment, not from others and definitely not ourselves. Tolerance helps to encourage individualism and the expression of personal interests and beliefs. There are many other words that can be used in place of tolerance.

Some synonyms for tolerance can be concession, acceptance, impartiality, parity, fairness, equivalence, etc. Tolerance is not passive. Rather, it is an active approach based on mutual understanding and respect from within ourselves, especially where there are differences of opinion, which is what it requires. Tolerance is the most robust basis for peace and reconciliation within ourselves. Tolerance is necessary for all aspects of life, at all levels and phases, because it plays a crucial role in establishing a healthy mindset. But tolerance is not easy because we rely so heavily on our own experiences and worldview lens, which at times can be subjective and even biased.

Building tolerance can be challenging because we are confronted with the uneasiness of a possible inevitability. For example, trying out for a sport, studying for an exam, inviting someone over, going to a job interview, working on a project, going out with friends, engaging in a romantic relationship, etc. In order to achieve the above things, we must expose ourselves to potential fears, rejections, failures, and changes, which can create overwhelming feelings that turn off our switch to build tolerance. It is these emotions that cause us to retreat to a more comfortable environment that perpetuates the uncomfortable feelings in the long run. As we lean in, we build a tolerance to feeling vulnerable, and it gradually becomes less painful the next time.

True tolerance calls for disagreement, not approval, and that too, from ourselves, not others, or society. The foundation phrase for tolerance means to bear or endure. It’d lose meaning altogether if we attempt to force tolerance to intend settlement and approval. Tolerance must not be mistaken as an expression of apathy or laissez-faire.

Without engagement with alterity, tolerance loses its essential meaning as a framework for integrating difference and becomes irrelevant in its productive function.

Cultivating a spirit of tolerance can bring healing and meaning in life in unimaginable ways. Think of your life as a journey to the top of a mountain. If the base of the mountain symbolizes the day you were born, and the top symbolizes your last day on Earth, imagine where you are on that mountain today at your current age. Imagine walking slowly and steadily up that mountain to this day. Imagine stopping along the way, turning around, and looking back down the path you’ve traveled since birth. Reflect on your path so far with compassionate curiosity.

What obstacles, difficulties, and challenges have you overcome to get to where you are now? What lessons have you learned? Who did you help along the way? How did you help them? Who has helped you? How have you actually grown as a person? What do you know about yourself now that you didn’t before on your journey? Now, what can be done differently in the future with the knowledge you have acquired?

Developing tolerance means you are more prone to endure the stress, fear, and sadness that come with adversity and find a way to bounce back from setbacks. Everyone experiences a variety of stresses in the course of their lives. These stresses can range from everyday annoyances to important events such as losing a job, divorce, or the death of a loved one. Whether the stress is big or small, your ability to tolerate stress can play a role in how you handle the situation. We all go through bad times, experience loss, disappointment, and change, and we all feel sad, anxious, and stressed at different times in our lives. But building tolerance may help you face uncertainty with less fear and get through even the darkest days. If you are more sensitive to emotional stress and find it difficult to cope with difficulties or adversity, it is important not to view this as some sort of character flaw. Tolerance is not a macho trait and is not fixed. It is a continuous process that needs effort to build and maintain over time.

Hard times don’t last forever, but by their very nature, they rarely end quickly. As we look for a way through the darkness, we must find ways and things that keep us motivated to move forward. How does one deal with and build tolerance against these feelings of stress, depression, disappointment, anger, frustration, uncertainty, and anxiety?

A King once asked one of his men to write for him something that would turn his sadness feeling into happiness and his happiness into sadness. The soldier just smiled, scribbled something on a piece of paper, and handed it to the King. The King opened the folded note, and his eyes widened.

The note read, THIS TIME SHALL PASS TOO.

So, thinking of it in a positive light, bad times pass too. While it’s often difficult to imagine something good from challenging experiences, building tolerance can help you find positivity in the difficulties you’ve faced.

Words like these are motivation to endure challenging times in your life. Hang on to such words because, in the end, no period of life is meant to last forever. Celebrate small victories as you navigate life’s stormy seas; take a moment to savor your conquests. Taking note and digesting these small victories can give you a welcomed break from all the stress and negativity you face and encourage you to keep going.

For example, if you’re looking for a job, an interview isn’t as important as the job, but it is a sign of progress, a step in the right direction. There is always something you won’t be able to control in the situation. By putting your focus and energy on what you can control, you may no longer have time to worry about the uncertain and unpleasant aspects of the situation. This focus shift is more productive than spending time worrying about things you can’t control.

Individuals who are tolerant are able to effectively bypass the established process for completing tasks. They don’t mind breaking