The Relationship Principles of Jesus gives the biblical principles and practical tools to transform our relationships into all that God desires them to be. By pointing us to Jesus, Tom Holladay teaches us how to live the Christian life as it was really intended. Every follower of Jesus should take this forty-day journey, savoring each insight and applying it to every relationship they have.

DR. KEVIN LEMAN, author of Have a New Kid by Friday

I have had the honor of serving with Tom Holladay on the pastoral staff at Saddleback Church for the last sixteen years. He is a friend and accountability partner. Tom is a true example of how to live the relationship principles of Jesus.

JOHN BAKER, pastor and founder of Celebrate Recovery

Life’s greatest joys and life’s greatest pains are experienced in relationships. This book can help mitigate the pain and enhance the joy.

GARY D. CHAPMAN, PhD, author of The Five Love Languages

Our generation craves close, intimate relationships, but we’re imperfect people who can’t seem to get what we want most. The Relationship Principles of Jesus centers us on what matters most, giving practical wisdom and daily doses of encouragement we all need to better love those around us.

JOHN BURKE, author of No Perfect People Allowed

No one communicates better on this topic of Christlike relationships than Tom Holladay, who walks the talk. A must-read for anyone who is passionate about becoming more like Jesus—today.

KATIE BRAZELTON, PhD, MDiv, author of Pathway to Purpose for Women

The Relationship Principles of Jesus could revolutionize your relationships with God and with others. This book provides the essential ingredients to deepen and strengthen every relationship in your life.

DR. GARY SMALLEY, author of Change Your Heart, Change Your Life

Also by Tom Holladay

Foundations (coauthored with Kay Warren)

The Relationship Principles of Jesus

ePub format

Copyright © 2008 by Tom Holladay

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

ISBN-13: 978-0-310-32056-2

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Other Bible versions quoted in this book are listed on Bible Versions, which hereby becomes a part of this copyright page.

Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers printed in this book are offered as a resource to you. These are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Published in association with Rosenbaum & Associates Literary Agency, Brentwood, Tennessee.

Interior design by Beth Shagene

The list of those who have formed, fashioned, and flavored

what is written in this book

would quickly grow to pages.

Relationships with family, coworkers, small group members,

children, and church family

have all played a part.

Amidst all of those human relationships,

there is far and away one person

from whom I’ve learned more about relationships than any other.

This book is dedicated with grateful joy to my wife, Chaundel.

Contents

Title Page

Copyright page

Foreword by Rick Warren

Introduction

RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #1

Place the Highest Value on Relationships

Jesus answered [the teacher of the law], The most important command is this: ‘Listen, people of Israel! The Lord our God is the only Lord. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second command is this: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ There are no commands more important than these.

Mark 12:29–31 NCV

DAY 1      

Nothing Is More Important Than Relationships

DAY 2      

The Attraction of Lesser Things

DAY 3      

Love God with All Your Heart

DAY 4      

Love God with All Your Soul

DAY 5      

Love God with All Your Mind and Strength

DAY 6      

Love Everyone as Your Neighbor

DAY 7      

Love Someone as Your Neighbor

RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #2

Love as Jesus Loves You

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

John 13:34

DAY 8      

The Impossible Challenge

DAY 9      

The Power of Jesus’ Command

DAY 10    

The Power of New

DAY 11    

Feelings Are Important!

DAY 12    

Act Immediately, Act Radically

DAY 13    

Choose to Fellowship, Choose to Forgive

DAY 14    

Choose to Accept, Choose to Sacrifice

RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #3

Communicate from the Heart

Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

Matthew 12:34

DAY 15    

Communication Isn’t Easy!

DAY 16    

The Foundation Is Trust

DAY 17    

The Connection between Mouth and Heart

DAY 18    

A New Kind of Honesty

DAY 19    

God Is in the Conversation

DAY 20    

How to Be Truly Heard

DAY 21    

Troubleshooting Communication

RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #4

As You Judge, You Will Be Judged

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Matthew 7:1–2

DAY 22    

The Danger of Judgment

DAY 23    

Say No to Hypocrisy

DAY 24    

Say Yes to Integrity

DAY 25    

Say Now to Mercy

DAY 26    

Understanding God’s Mercy

DAY 27    

Understanding God’s Judgment

DAY 28    

Seeing the Truth about Yourself

RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #5

The Greatest Are the Servants

The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Matthew 23:11–12

DAY 29    

The Desire to Be Great

DAY 30    

How Humility Handles Ambition

DAY 31    

How Humility Handles Our Need to Be Noticed

DAY 32    

How Humility Handles Our Tendency to Compare

DAY 33    

How Humility Handles Our Relationship with God

DAY 34    

Vine and Branches

DAY 35    

The Daily Decision of Humility

RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #6

Treat Others as You Want Them

to Treat You

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Luke 6:31

DAY 36    

The Big Question

DAY 37    

Love Is Sacrificial

DAY 38    

Love Your Enemies

DAY 39    

Forget the Ideal, Go for the Real

DAY 40    

The Relationship Principles of Jesus

APPENDIX 1:

Questions for Friends, Couples, and Small Groups

APPENDIX 2:

Bible Versions

Foreword

If I asked you what your #1 goal in life is, what would be your answer? Happiness? Success? Wealth? Comfort? Fame? To have fun? To be respected? Your answer would reveal your dominant life value. Everyone has a dominant life value, whether they realize it or not. You have one. It’s what you unconsciously base your decisions on.

If your dominant life value is having fun, when choosing between two events, you’ll naturally choose the one that’s more fun. If your dominant life value is comfort, you’ll tend to choose what’s most comfortable for you. If it’s safety, you’ll choose the least risky alternative. If it’s being appreciated, you’ll do what gets you the most recognition.

God tells us that our dominant life value is love. Because God is love, and because he created you to love you, he wants you to learn to love too. Learning to love is the #1 lesson God intends for you to learn here on earth. Life is the school of love. Jesus once said that the entire Bible can be summed up in two commands: Love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37–39).

In fact, every one of the New Testament writers taught that learning to love God and each other is the most important lesson God expects us to learn. Paul wrote, "Let love be your highest goal (1 Corinthians 14:1 NLT). John wrote, We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death (1 John 3:14). James wrote, If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ you are doing right" (James 2:8). Peter wrote, "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8 NLT).

Learning to love God and others is to be our highest goal, our greatest aim, our first priority, our deepest aspiration, our strongest ambition, our constant focus, our passionate intention, and the dominant life value of our lives. The more we learn to how to love authentically, the more like Jesus we become.

This book is written by someone who has modeled genuine love to others for his entire adult life. For over thirty-five years, I’ve closely watched how Tom Holladay lives and leads by showing Christlike love to everyone, so I felt very fortunate when he married my sister. With his incredible grasp of both the Scriptures and human nature, Tom is eminently qualified to teach and write on this profound theme. For the nearly twenty years Tom has been a teaching pastor at Saddleback Church, tens of thousands of Saddleback members have been blessed by his insights into relationships. And hundreds of thousands of pastors have been trained by Tom as he and I have traveled the world together. This man has much to say, and you’ll be blessed if you listen to him!

The opening sentence of The Purpose Driven Life is "It’s not about you." This book, The Relationship Principles of Jesus, is a natural extension of that concept. Selfishness must be replaced by unselfishness. Conceit must be replaced by compassion. Ego must be replaced by altruism. The focus on me must give way to we. It’s all about loving God and others.

But how? In our fallen world where every heart and relationship is marred, broken, and damaged by sin, how can we apply the healing power of authentic love? This book points the way. Learning to love unselfishly is not an easy task. It runs counter to our self-centered nature. Only Jesus can teach us the kind of love that heals, restores, and deepens relationships. And only Jesus can give us the power to love that way.

The Relationship Principles of Jesus deals with the second of Five Renewals I deeply believe are needed in our culture and world. The first book, The Purpose Driven Life, focused on personal renewal. This is the starting point. Everything starts in the heart. Only changed people can change the world. The foundation for everything is getting to know and love God and serving his five purposes for your life.

But you were never meant to live your life in a vacuum. In fact, you cannot fulfill your life’s purposes by yourself. You need other people’s help, and they need yours. We’re better together. This second kind of renewal, relational renewal, is what this book is all about. You must not only learn to love God with all your heart (personal renewal); you must learn to love your neighbor as yourself (relational renewal.)

With conflict, divorce, violence, prejudice, abuse, division, and polarization around us daily, it’s obvious we all need some lessons in building healthy relationships. This is my dream: If every group and church that participated in the 40 Days of Purpose campaign worldwide would also study this book as a part of the 40 Days of Love campaign, it could bring about a revival of love that would change the cultural climate of our world. It can start with you.

Please write us at Love@purposedriven.com and tell us your story!

RICK WARREN

The Purpose Driven Life

Introduction

How do we bridge the relationship gap—the gap between what we hope for and desire and what we actually experience?

On one side of the gap is the reality of failed marriages, absent parents, rebellious children, disloyal friends, and gossiping churches. On the other side of this gap place the words of Jesus: A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another (John 13:34). When I look at how big this gap really is, I can easily work myself into a Grand Canyon-sized depression. How is it possible to ever bridge such a distance?

When you’re in trouble, you need an expert. If you’re having problems with your kitchen sink, call a plumber; if your car’s transmission is going out, go see a mechanic. What about relationships? Who is the expert? The world’s foremost expert on relationships is Jesus Christ. Just look at the way he related to people. Jesus was great at relationships. The crowds flocked to him, his followers loved to be around him, and even his enemies paid him an unintended compliment when they called him a friend of … ‘sinners’ (Matthew 11:19).

A few years ago I sat down to read through the Gospels with an eye on relationships. I was looking for the answer to a simple question: How did Jesus relate to the thousands of people he came into contact with during his public ministry? I must honestly say I was quite surprised. The relationship expert did not always relate to others as I would have expected him to. Where I might have rebuked, he offered forgiveness (for example, Luke 7:36–50). Where I might have encouraged, he served up a scathing indictment (for example, Matthew 8:23–27). As I looked to learn about relationships from the example of Jesus, I felt a little like a middle school algebra student thrown into a university trigonometry class. I was in over my head. Sometimes I had to admit I didn’t even understand the questions, let alone the answers. As one who had pastored and counseled people for many years, this came as a humbling experience. It wasn’t that I was naive to the point of thinking I always did the right thing in relationships. But I thought I at least knew the right thing to do. I found that rather than just reinforcing our way of doing relationships, Jesus charts out an entirely new way of relating to people.

When Jesus says, Turn the other cheek (see Matthew 5:39), he points to a new way of relating to people. His stern challenges to Peter plot a new course in relationship skills. Would you or I chastise someone who had just walked on water for his lack of faith (see Matthew 14:31)? His sharp-tongued indictment of the Pharisees takes our old maps off the table. Most of us would consider it definitely unchristian to call others snakes (Matthew 23:33)! Jesus had a different way of relating to people, and we obviously have much to learn.

As I took the journey of reading through the Gospels, gradually and steadily six relationship principles emerged. These are the principles we’ll focus on for the next forty days. I don’t claim or intend this to be an exhaustive list, yet these six all-encompassing truths are seen again and again in Jesus’ life and teaching.

Let’s get a few things on the table from the start. First, these are clearly not the only principles Jesus gave us with regard to relationships. We could easily come up with a list of twenty or thirty relationship principles taught by Jesus. Yet these six are at the core of his teaching and his example.

Second, Jesus is the expert here—not any one of us, and that certainly includes me! We are fellow learners who look together at the expert—at Jesus—so we can learn from him.

As you open this book, you’ll see forty chapters to be read over forty days. I strongly encourage you to read this book as it is laid out. The book is shaped this way because we tend to learn best over time and through repetition and reminders. You could choose to speed through this book in a few days, but it will not have nearly the impact on your relationships as will result over the course of forty days.

At the end of each day’s reading, you’ll find three features to help you in this journey. First, a Point to Ponder, which sums up the chapter’s main message in a sentence. Second, a Verse to Remember, which gives a verse from the Bible that you can put to memory. Not many of us will be able to memorize a verse for each day, yet if you could choose just one of the verses from each week and memorize it, you’ll be spiritually refreshed and strengthened in surprising ways. At the end of each chapter is also a Question to Consider—a personal thought question to focus your thinking toward action and change. At the end of the book, there is a list of additional Questions for Friends, Couples, and Small Groups. You’ll learn more if you read this book at the same time as someone else, and then get together to share what you’ve both learned. These questions are designed to spark your discussion, whether you’re at a lunchtime meeting with a friend from work or school, on a relationship-building date with your spouse, or at a meeting in your home with your small group.

As we look at the relationship principles of Jesus over these next forty days, our purpose is not to somehow polish our relationship skills to perfection within the pages of this book—an obviously impossible task! Instead, my hope and prayer is that we’ll be encouraged to set off in a new direction—the direction of relating to others the way Jesus did. To be sure, it’s a journey that takes a lifetime—and then some. But every step will show its worth in our everyday lives.

RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #1

Place the Highest Value on Relationships

Jesus answered [the teacher of the law], The most important command is this: ‘Listen, people of Israel! The Lord our God is the only Lord. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second command is this: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ There are no commands more important than these.

Mark 12:29–31 NCV

1

Nothing Is More Important Than Relationships

Relationships are painful. Relationships are wonderful. We all live in the drama that plays out between these two truths.

I think of Neal and Robin when I think of the drama of relationships. Married for only a few years, their life together had started strong. And then, with a suddenness that tore their world apart, Robin suffered a brain hemorrhage. As I sat with Neal in the waiting room on the night it happened, we heard the doctor speak in hushed tones about high-risk surgery and low odds of success. Even if Robin were to survive the surgery, she would likely be in a semiconscious state for the rest of her life. Neal’s immediate response was simple faith and sacrificial love. He believed that God had a plan even in this dire circumstance, and Neal was committed to love Robin, no matter what it would take.

Robin survived the surgery, and Neal kept his commitment to love. Day after day, he sat with Robin and spoke to her and nurtured her. Little by little, he loved her to unexpected restoration. Robin learned to speak haltingly and began to be able to use her hands and arms again. She has even taken a few victorious steps on her own. Almost every weekend at church, there they are—Neal, a shining example of overcoming love, and Robin, a powerful example of overwhelming courage and faith. Robin sometimes wonders just what she can accomplish for God in a wheelchair. The truth is, she speaks a life-changing sermon on the power of love by her mere presence. Those who have been involved in Robin’s care see her life as a miracle. The greatest miracle, seen bodies healed before) but in the love. This is the love of a couple who made the choice to continue to love, even in the most crushing of circumstances—Neal having chosen to practice sacrificial love in a marriage that wasn’t close to what he and Robin had dreamed it would be, and Robin having chosen to accept and return Neal’s love rather than allowing her own hurt to push him away.

Relationships are filled with both wonder and pain. When I think of the pain of relationships, literally hundreds of pictures flood into my mind from my thirty years as a pastor:

• a couple on the verge of a divorce neither one wants yet both are choosing

• parents who can’t get through to their child, no matter how much time, money, and heartache they invest

• a