Copyright © 2023 by R D Baker

All rights reserved.

ISBN 978-0-6458207-2-0

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

For Rachel

This story wouldn’t be what it is without you

Trigger Warnings

Please be aware of the following potential triggers within this book:

Explicit depictions of sexual acts

Graphic Depictions of violence and death

Sexual Assault, both on page and discussed as a past event

Torture

Kidnapping

Amnesia

Age-Gap relationship

Suicide discussed as a past event

Child abuse discussed as a past event

Loss of a loved one

Discussions of infertility

Occurrences of Trauma and PTSD

Be Kind to Yourself, Always

1

Tallesaign

When the fuck did it start doing that?

Amryn turns to see what I’m looking at, stepping away from the deer we just killed. He stands beside me, gazing across the valley. There’s white smoke curling from the top of Arax, the tallest peak of the mountain range that borders the valley Ocario is nestled in.

Arax is a volcano? Amryn frowns at me.

I shake my head. It’s not. I mean, it’s not anymore. I’ve never seen it do that before.

A rumbling growls below us, far under the surface of the earth, and the ground begins to shake, loose rocks clattering down the nearby cliff face. Snow falls from the boughs of the trees above us, dumping down on us as we wait for the earthquake to pass.

Ok, that felt a little odd. Amryn says once the rumbling subsides.

I look back at the mountain, at the swirling smoke that keeps rising into the mist above it. This is fucking strange.

Come on, brother. Amryn hoists the dead deer up over his shoulders like it weighs next to nothing. Let’s get back before any more weird shit happens.

He walks off ahead of me, down the snowy path along the base of the cliffs, back towards Ocario. I follow along behind, listening to him whistle and sing to himself as we go. He’s in way too good of a mood for a man who has 300 pounds of deer on his back.

As we cross the open fields, the twinkling lights of the village come into view in the fading afternoon light. The warmly illuminated windows of the houses and the strings of fairy lights sparkling everywhere make it very clear that it’s a special day. The square in front of the Great Hall is lit up and decorated, ready for the Winter Solstice party.

Gonna be a good night, Amryn says as he carries the deer into the barn behind his cabin.

Yeah, looking forward to it, I reply, wrapping a thick rope around the deer’s legs. We attach it to the pulley and Amryn hoists it up, the deer dangling from the barn roof so it can drain.

Meat for the winter, Amryn says with a grin. He’s a big one too. He turns to look at me thoughtfully. You going to disappear from this party too or are you actually going to have some fun? Because you always say it but…

When you get to my age we’ll talk about staying up til 3am for parties, OK?

Amryn laughs. The way you always talk you’d think you’re 100 or something.

I’m not much of one for big celebrations, but the Winter Solstice night is always a bit different. It’s more muted and cozy than the heady, sweaty dance parties that erupt around here every Summer.

We stomp back out into the snow, the light fading around us as we cross the yard towards Cora and Amryn’s cabin. There’s music coming from inside, candles burning in the windows.

Amryn opens the door, and Cora is dancing around the lounge room with Phoenix, who is bouncing around, squatting and throwing his hands over his head. His green eyes light up as he sees his Dad and me walk in.

This kid is the best. He looks so much like Amryn did when he was little, and he definitely has Amryn’s attitude - wild and fearless, but tempered with Cora’s sweetness.

Daddy! Phoenix cries, his chubby little arms up in the air. Amryn scoops him up with a laugh, swinging his son up over his head.

How’s my little monster, huh?

Momma and me is dancing. Phoenix’s red cheeks glow as he jigs in his father’s arms.

Yeah I can see that. Amryn smiles widely at Cora. Has Momma already been hitting the whiskey?

Cora laughs as she walks over to him and gives him a kiss. I haven’t actually, I’ve been saving that for later. She grins up at him. And then maybe you and I can try and make another one of these, huh? She strokes Phoenix’s back.

Hey, hey, I say from the door, some things I don’t need to know.

Cora blushes and waves me over to the kitchen table. Can I get you a drink, Tal?

Sure. I walk past Amryn and run my hand over Phoenix’s soft black curls.

Uncy Tal! The little boy exclaims, and stretches out his arms to me. I love this kid. I take him from Amryn and cuddle him tight, and he giggles, winding his little fist around my long black hair.

How’s my favorite little guy, huh? Phoenix giggles as I kiss his cheek.

I had a book today, bout butterfies! Phoenix tells me, his eyes wide.

Oh yeah? I give him a big smile. Do you know, I used to take your daddy out to hunt butterflies when he was little.

Phoenix turns to look at his father. Daddy like butterfies?

Amryn laughs and nods. I sure did, buddy. Uncy Tal knew the blue ones were my favorite.

I look up to see Cora looking at me dreamily. And what’s that look for? I ask, sitting down at the table with Phoenix on my knee.

It just looks so good on you. She shakes her head as she pours me a bourbon. You’d make a great dad, I’ve always said it. When I think back on you carrying around Phoenix when he was this tiny little baby… She trails off with a sigh.

Watch out, brother, Amryn says, punching me in the arm lightly as he passes me. She’ll have you married off before the end of the night. Well, I’m going to shower! He ruffles Phoenix's hair before he pads down the hallway.

Phoenix reaches up and touches my cheek, running his fingers along the scar that Morgan’s magic strike left behind. It hurts? He asks, his little face full of concern.

I smile at him and shake my head. No, kiddo, it doesn’t hurt at all.

Phoenix’s eyebrows knit together. The bad lady hurt you?

My eyes flash up to Cora, and she frowns. He’s been doing this a lot, she says quietly. He - he knows things. Things he can’t know.

I look back down at Phoenix and kiss his forehead. It’s OK, buddy, the bad lady is gone. My stomach drops as he shakes his head sadly. He’s just a kid. He can’t know this stuff. He’s just got a wild imagination.

Cora rushes over and brings me my drink, a wide smile on her face. Hey Nixxy, Aunty Elise is going to be here soon and you get to have a sleepover! She widens her mouth in excitement and Phoenix copies her, clapping his hands. You go and get Mr Umble to take with you?

Phoenix scrambles down off my lap and his chubby toddler feet pat along the wooden floor to his bedroom. I be right back! He calls as he goes.

I look back at Cora, and the smile dissolves from her face. He’s been saying things like this a lot, for like a month now. Things he can’t know, things we saw in Nilau. He even asked Amryn about… She breaks off, and takes a deep breath. He had a nightmare and he asked why the lady had a mouth in her neck.

Oh fuck, I say with a sigh, and nod. Anya.

Cora nods. Amryn doesn’t know what to do about it, every time it comes up he sort of just goes pale and tries to distract Phoenix. But - she glances over her shoulder in the direction of Phoenix’s bedroom. He keeps saying Morgan isn’t dead. And it’s freaking me out.

I take a sip of my bourbon and put my index finger to the scar on my face, tracing it slowly. We saw her die, he’s probably just saying things because he’s a kid and can’t make sense of it.

Did you feel that earthquake today? She asks me.

Yeah, Amryn and I were about to head back in when we felt it. Arax is throwing white smoke, it must just be something to do with that.

Cora chews on her lip. Yeah… It still all feels… weird.

We look at each other for a moment, and I feel her flash of anxiety like it’s my own. Cora can sense things about this place more deeply than I can, and she looks worried. But it can’t mean anything, right? It can’t all be connected. It’s just a little earthquake and a smoking mountain.

And a little kid seeing women with their throats sliced open in his dreams. Fucking hell.

I give Cora a big smile, trying to alleviate her worries. Come on now, it’s Winter Solstice, and we’re going to have fun tonight, and try and keep you away from the whiskey, huh?

Cora returns my smile and nods, tossing her curly hair over her shoulder. Yeah you’re right, it’s going to be a great night. I’ve been looking forward to this all week.

The door to the cabin opens to reveal Elise standing there, snow dusting her black hair and the shoulders of her red coat. Hey family! She says with a wide smile, kicking the snow off her boots.

At the sound of her voice, Phoenix comes barreling out into the room and flies at her. Leesy! He calls, and laughs out loud as Elise scoops him into her arms.

My baby boy!

I can’t help but smile. She’s called us all that, and still does. No matter how big we got, no matter that we tower over her now - we’re all her baby boys.

Elise talks animatedly to Phoenix, expressing enthusiasm for every detail of his day he’s sharing with her, and I think for the millionth time how sad it is that she’s not a mother, even though she desperately wanted to be.

I remember my Mom telling me about Elise’s husband, who left before I was old enough to remember him. He got tired of waiting and hoping they’d have a baby. Asshole.

Phoenix starts to tell Elise about the butterflies, and when I look back at Cora, her meaningful gaze tells me she’s read my fucking mind again. She feels the same way about me that I do about Elise.

Shut up, I mouth, and grin at her. Being her Draw sure does come with some interesting side effects.

Cora walks over to Elise with Phoenix’s backpack. Everything he needs is in here. Thanks so much for taking him.

Not a problem at all, Elise says, kissing Phoenix’s cheek. We’re going to have the best time.

You a double, Leesy! Phoenix announces happily, his chubby fists grabbing Elise’s face. I see your double.

Elise’s brow furrows for a moment, and she looks over at Cora. My double?

My heart sinks a little. Shit.

Cora chuckles awkwardly. I think he means Elspeth.

Elise’s eyebrows lift slightly, and she smiles as she looks back at Phoenix. Did Momma show you a picture of your grandma, did she?

Phoenix takes Elise’s hair into his hand, threading it through his fingers, and shakes his head. No, she sit on the floor, and she sings.

Goosebumps break out over my arms, and the three of us eye each other silently. Amryn wanders into the room, a towel wrapped around his hips, and he looks at us all questioningly as we stare at him in silence. What did I miss?

Nothing, Cora says quickly.

Y’all look like a ghost just walked in, Amryn says with a crooked grin.

Elise smiles at him and shakes her head, waving her hand dismissively. Oh no sweetheart, just getting Nixxy ready to go to my house. She bends down to put Phoenix on the ground. Come on, baby boy, let's get your boots and your jacket on, and we’ll walk to my house, yeah? You can come help me feed the goats before dinner.

Yeah! Phoenix cheers, offering his little foot to Elise to have socks and his boot put on. Goat goat goat goat. He chants, bobbing his head back and forth.

Amryn laughs and walks over to Cora in the kitchen, kissing her neck and putting his arms around her waist. I look away, and feel a little pang in my stomach. I’d like that, too. Someone of my own. I sip on my bourbon, and the sweet liquid burns my throat, warming my chest. I hear them giggling as they talk to each other in that secret way couples have.

Yep. I’m lonely again.

I’m not lonely often, most days I can ignore it even when that heavy feeling does creep up on me. Life is busy, and I try not to give myself too much time to think about it. But since Cora and Amryn have been back, since our family has been complete again, I feel it.

I feel all the things I’ve missed out on, all those years I pushed everyone away, so afraid to lose anyone else I loved. And now I’m probably too old to start all that. Cora always scoffs when I say so - You’re not even 40 yet! She says it all the time. And she’s right, in demon years that’s not very old. But I can’t shake the feeling that I missed my chance.

Ok, Elise says, straightening up and taking Phoenix’s hand, we’re all set to go, and you all have a great night, yeah? She looks down at Phoenix, who looks like a little gnome in his pointed hood and his big yellow boots. Say bye bye everyone!

Phoenix waves. Bye bye everyone!

Bye sweetheart! Cora blows him a kiss. We’ll see you tomorrow.

I rise from my chair as Elise leaves, and down the last of my bourbon. I better go, too. Gotta get ready for tonight.

We’ll see you there. Cora says, swatting at Amryn’s arms as he hugs her tighter.

As I leave, I hear them laughing together, Amryn growling, no doubt as he nuzzles into Cora’s neck. I jam my hands into my pockets, and walk across the courtyard, rounding the edge of the barn, headed for my cabin. The windows are dark as I approach, and it’s quiet. No one is waiting for me, no wife or kids or music to welcome me.

Get a fucking grip. I give myself a shake. Why is this bothering me so much today? God, I’m such an idiot.

When I walk into my cabin the air is heavy, the fire in the hearth reduced to glowing embers. I stoke it up, throwing more logs on, then head for the shower.

As I wait for the hot water, I look in the mirror. It’s Amryn’s face, just older, a few more lines around the eyes, though I do note that these days those lines are laugh lines. So that's nice.

The hot water over my shoulders feels good. I lather myself up with soap, my hands running across the scar on my chest. It still bothers me some days, even though it’s been there 20 years now, along with the long white streak in my hair that runs from my left temple.

20 years since this all started. It feels like forever, and it feels like yesterday. Time is weird.

Once I’m clean, I dry off and wrap a towel around my hips. I sit down on the couch, the fire that is now leaping high in the hearth warming me. I light myself a cigarette, the sweet scent of tobacco filling my cabin. I watch the flames absently, water from my wet hair dripping down my chest.

In an instant, I can’t breathe. I lurch forward onto the floor, on my hands and knees, and it feels like there’s an anvil on my chest. I cough and splutter, the cigarette rolling away from me across the wood floor. I clutch at my throat, willing it to open, willing myself to breathe, to just suck in some air, and I can’t.

Fuck, fuck, what the fuck is this? My vision goes dark, and I cough and splutter, gripping onto the armrest of the couch to try and haul myself up, but something jerks me back to the floor. And then there’s screaming, distant, like an echo, ringing in my ears.

As quickly as it starts, it’s over, leaving me doubled over on the ground, gasping for air.

My veins are glowing orange, my whole body on high alert. And then a rumbling sounds, the earth underneath me shaking gently. It sounds like a truck driving right past my porch, and it feels like it, too.

I sit on the floor, leaning back against the couch, waiting for the rumbling to subside. It only lasts about 30 seconds. The still-glowing cigarette is smoldering on the rug, leaving behind a black scorch mark. I pick it up and toss it into the fireplace.

I put a hand to my chest, where my heart is still beating wildly. The echo of that scream reverberates through my head.

What the fuck was that?

2

Tallesaign

The party is in full swing by the time I walk to the Great Hall. Music is playing in the background and bonfires have been lit, people standing around drinking mulled wine served from giant pots that steam in the bitter cold. It’s snowing lightly, and I get myself a drink. My chest still feels tight.

The other demons smile and greet me as I pass, and it still feels a little odd to have a position in the clan. Sure, I was the son of the Striker. That meant next to nothing.

Then I was a warrior, but in a broken-up clan that had no ability to fight for years, that also didn’t mean a whole lot. Now, I’m one of the Draws of the Shadow Queen, and people look to me. What for, I still don’t always know. But they do.

Amryn and Cora are sitting by a bonfire, drinking and laughing. Cora is curled up in her big red coat, and Amryn has his arm around her. She leans her head against his shoulder and gazes up at him lovingly as he says something with a smile. Amryn plants a kiss on her forehead, and then his eyes move over her head, landing on me as I walk towards them.

Hey brother, he says brightly, raising his glass to clink it against mine as I sit down beside them.

Cora eyes me carefully, her brow furrowing ever so slightly. What’s wrong?

I meet her eyes and shake my head. Nothing, why?

Her eyes narrow. Something happened.

I’m fine, I lie, pulling my cigarette case from my pocket. Just a little tired.

Are you having nightmares again?

I chuckle as I put the cigarette between my lips, lighting it with the orange flame that I summon in my palm. Cora, I’m fine, I say, blowing out a cloud of smoke. Stop worrying so much.

Got one of those for me? Amryn asks. Cora glares at him, and he laughs. What? It’s the Winter Solstice, babe.

I light a cigarette and hand it over to him. It’s not going to kill him, Cora.

But it tastes like ass. She crosses her arms over her chest with a pout.

There’s one way to keep you two apart for longer than five minutes, I tease. I take a swig of my drink as Amryn laughs heartily. I swear, you know I can sense your emotions right?

Her eyes widen. You mean you can feel it when we - She breaks off and shakes her head. No, I’m not even going there.

I shrug as Amryn begins to laugh uncontrollably. I just feel that you’re both happy. I take a drag of my cigarette. "Very, very happy."

Cora flushes bright red. Oh god fucking dammit.

"And that you’re happy a lot," I go on, laughing as Cora grimaces.

Amryn is laughing so hard tears are rolling down his cheeks. Brother, I tell you, the shit we nearly got busted doing in Nilau.

Ok, that is not a laughing matter, Cora says indignantly, that was life or death.

Amryn leans back and wipes the tears from his cheeks, and gives her a wide smile. Baby, if I don’t laugh about it, I’ll cry. He takes her hand and kisses the back of it gently. I’m sorry, come on, I’ll stop.

Cora rolls her eyes and looks back at me. We nearly got busted on the porch of mine and Finn’s house one night.

I nearly choke on my drink and burst out laughing. You what? I splutter.

So you get to talk about this? Amryn teases her. He looks back over at me. This one, two weeks without me and what did she do? Threw me down into a garden chair and was on me like - Cora slaps him in the stomach and he theatrically sucks in a breath. OK, OK, I’ll stop.

"You, Cora says, grabbing his hair, told me to use your outdoor shower like it was all innocent and then you had your mouth on my-"

"OK, OK, I exclaim, laughing into my drink, I get it, you two fucked a lot, goddamn, enough."

Amryn pulls Cora close and kisses her, both of them smiling and looking into each other’s eyes.

Someone plops down in my lap suddenly, and I’m overwhelmed with the scent of sweet vanilla and a mass of strawberry blonde hair.

Hi babe. Lorelei sits on my knees, her big blue eyes gazing at me.

I see Amryn suppressing a laugh over Lorelei’s shoulder. Speaking of fucking, he says quietly, but definitely loud enough for me to hear. He sniggers as I shoot daggers in his direction. How are you, Lorelei? He asks, raising his eyebrows at me.

Little brothers.

I’m great, Amryn, Lorelei says, but her eyes stay on me. Where have you been, Tal? I haven’t seen much of you lately.

I’ve been busy, I say. You missed me, huh?

Mhmm. She nods.

Amryn rises to his feet with a grin. Come on babe, let’s go find a garden chair, he says with a laugh, pulling Cora away with him.

Lorelei watches them go, then turns back to me. She grins, tracing a finger over my cheek.

You look good tonight, she says.

So do you, I reply. She looks too fucking cute, that pretty hair hanging down her back, wearing a blue sweater that’s cut way too fucking low for it not to be intentional.

I raise my cigarette to my lips, and she grabs my hand, directing the cigarette to her own lips, taking a long drag, her eyes on mine the whole time.

I have missed you, she says quietly.

I know I shouldn’t, but I put my arm around her, my hand running up and down her back.

Lorelei is too young for me, she’s barely 20 years old, but she’s been pursuing me relentlessly for months. I know I should be more responsible, but fuck, tonight she’s smelling so good and her pretty blue eyes just stay fixed on me, like she’s seeing right through me.

Lorelei giggles, wrapping her arms around my neck, and it’s not lost on me that she’s giving me a really good view of her cleavage.

Did you miss me, too? She whispers in my ear.

Yeah. My mouth brushes against her jawline, breathing in that heady scent of vanilla. I did miss you.

She wiggles her ass on my lap, and she knows exactly what she’s doing. There’s a flood of heat in my groin, and my hand sits low on her back, just above her ass. I should probably push her off, right? Except that’s the last thing I want to do right now.

You’re being a bad girl, I mutter, leaning back and eyeing her carefully, taking another drag of my cigarette.

She flutters her eyelashes at me. Do you want to punish me?

I brush a kiss against her shoulder. Maybe you need a bit of punishing, huh?

Her eyes widen a tiny bit, her lips parting as she gasps. Then she gives me a little smile, leaning closer to me. Her breath washes over my lips.

Am I interrupting? A man’s voice asks. Oh shit.

I look past Lorelei, and her father, Elias, is standing there, looking at us critically. He’s about five years older than me, and he doesn’t look happy to see his daughter wrapped around me. I give him a nod.

Hey, Elias. I keep my hand on Lorelei’s leg. Party’s pretty great, huh? I take another nonchalant drag of my cigarette.

Elias looks at his daughter, crossing his arms over his chest. You behaving yourself?

Lorelei sighs and rolls her eyes. We’re just talking.

On his lap?

Yes, on his lap, Lorelei snaps, I’m not a kid anymore.

He’s old enough to be your father, Elias counters, his eyes moving back to me.

Lorelei laughs out loud. You’re trying really hard to find a problem here, aren’t you?

I rub her back and gesture for her to get up. She slides off my lap, and I rise to my feet, towering over Elias.

You got a problem?

He takes a deep breath, considering his words carefully as eyes around us turn to see what’s going on. No, no problem, he says finally.

You want me to stay away from your daughter? I’m not looking for a fight, but I’m also not about fathers treating their daughters like property.

Elias’s eyes blaze. I don’t want her to make a mistake.

She won’t. I clap him on the shoulder and take Lorelei’s hand. Come on, babe. I pull her away, towards the bonfire at the far end of the Hall.

Lorelei giggles, and clutches on to my arm. He’s going to be mad for days.

Let him be mad. I know she’s too young for me. I know I should be responsible. But I don’t want to be alone tonight. I stop walking as we round a corner of one of the houses, and push her back against the wall. I lean down over her, and her arms wind around my neck.

You want me to kiss you?

Yes, she says with a sigh.

I brush her mouth with my lips, and grin. I got a feeling you want a whole lot more than that.

She gives a little gasp, and smiles back abashedly. I do.

So, what is it you want? I brush my mouth along her jawline, and feeling a fucking thrill as she shivers.

I - I want you to take me back to your place.

Mmmm, I growl against her collarbone. And then?

She giggles, pressing her hips against me. You know what I want.

Are you getting shy on me? I ask, smiling at her.

No. Her voice is suddenly full of sass, and she grabs my collar pulling me closer. I want you to take me home and fuck me. She pulls my face towards hers, and I kiss her, and I feel kind of stupid for not doing this sooner.

Why have I been saying no all this time?

I pull back from her, and kiss the tip of her nose. Let’s go then.

We walk hand in hand back to my place, and I barely have the door open before she jumps on me, kissing me hungrily. I put my hands under her perfect little ass, holding her up, carrying her to the bedroom blind, because she will not let my mouth go.

I feel around for the light switch, and click it on when I find it. I want to see every inch of her while she’s in my bed.

We fall on to the bed together, and she’s tearing at my clothes, crazed, and I laugh, throwing off my coat and pulling the shirt off over my head. I lean back over her, and her eyes widen as they fix on my chest.

Oh fuck, she says, looking up at me, her lips all red and full from kissing me. What happened?

I shake my head, smiling. It was a long time ago.

She pushes herself up on her elbows, and traces her lips along the scar, kissing it gently, looking up at me with those pretty blue eyes. Fuck. She’s so sweet, she’s so pretty, and she’s here kissing my chest. My cock is straining in my jeans, and I exhale heavily.

She lies back down, unbuttoning her shirt, pulling it open to reveal her lacy blue bra. I lean down and kiss the mound of her breasts, tracing a hand down over her belly to the waistband