JUST A WORD ABOUT LOVE

AWAKEN

Have you ever loved many others before, then suddenly find someone that encompasses your heart? A love that strikes every chord in your being, some of which have never been struck, and releases a much softer and meaningful song in your soul, feelings and sounds that take your heart away from you, and gladly surrenders it to a higher purpose other than yours. Your mind goes into a state of bliss, and your whole body ignores earthly facts such as pain, loneliness, and death. A love you can’t hide from, or find fault in. Time loses its power over you because you’ve joined together. There’s no beginning or end, it just is, and will always be. Never, ever demanding your own way, or even wanting to. A feeling inside of complete disregard for yourself, radiating happiness into you, no matter your location or leisure. It’s a glorified part of you that makes you whole, and Is forgiving to all. Its complete pureness exposes you mentally, and forces you to look at yourself, and recall all the pain you’ve caused others in the past. Your whole body cries out to become better. To show your inner goodness, to be like that special person you’ve found. The old life you led of acquiring material possessions has taken a back seat to the wonderful feelings you now have and need everyday. This is a love that age nor death can’t steal from you, no other face stands a chance of destroying it. Always being there to help solve and give support to the other if bad days occur. Protecting the other at any cost. Knowing that the spiritual feelings that exist in the both of you are as one. You will fight, go without, suffer, and even die for, if your oneness is ever challenged. Never desiring a replacement if death pulls you apart.

This is perfect true love, and if lost, it doesn’t come twice. For some of you it never comes at all. So many people pick mates for the wrong reasons, making bad decisions too many times. But when it’s right you can feel it; it’s orchestrated into your life from God above. He alone knows you both better than you know yourselves. A match made in heaven. The coming together of two personalities that blend so well in every way. The odds of finding that magical combo on your own are virtually impossible. I wish that everyone could find their own special match. That one person that makes you content and fills your life to the brim with happiness.

Beautiful love is described best in first Corinthians, chapter thirteen, verse four of the bible... It says, love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful, or proud. Never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand Its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It rejoices when truth wins out. If you love someone, you’re loyal at all costs. You believe and expect their best and always defend them.

This is my story, my journey through the most soft and wonderful time of my life, and also the hardest to write about. A clip of time out of my life that molded and changed me forever.

I dedicate this book, these beautiful past moments, and poems to my one and only. The love of my life. My wife.

Mrs. Deborah Lynne Martin

CHAPTER ONE

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THE BEGINNING

This is a book that makes little sense, just as love makes no sense at all. It comes, you fall in it, and there’s no order to that, it just happens. That beautiful emotion called love that takes you away from your everyday in a single moment. It swirls around us all, landing where it might. Like a feather floating here and there in the air, randomly brushing against an unexpecting heart.

We see couples that appear so happy together. You just know it as you watch them, the love is there. For most people, that wonderful feeling, that love that consumes your whole being, is produced through external attraction for another. So clearly, if that’s all there is in this newfound relationship, the love withers and quickly dies when the insides of you both have nothing to say.

Even though this is usually what happens with love, this book is not about that side of it. Actually, I’m referring to the wonderful, unpredictable, and comfortable side of love that, like a miracle, only comes supernaturally.

Now as beautiful as love is, no matter how it comes, it always has a price. Frankly, I’m writing this touching saga from the perspective of an empty heart.

But oh my god, how insanely happy we were in those days of awe. Remembering back to those first moments when my heart smiled at all the world, and struggled just to get her phone number. What an exciting and challenging time that was. It was also disappointing when all my efforts failed. I thought to myself, what is this? Never have I had so much resistance from a woman before. But her eyes and soft voice looked at me and asked questions like no others before her. One was what’s your favorite month?

Studying her face for a second, laughingly, I said, April.

She smiled and said, Me too. I love the springtime.

As we talked, I could sense a calm truthfulness in her voice, almost as If I had known her forever.

Women, typically, in my experiences, were more willing if you asked them out. But this one wasn’t typical. This one wasn’t in a hurry and wanted something special, and yet wanted nothing at all.

She had recently started working where I was employed, and even that was a miracle. The first time she applied for the job she was hired but didn’t show up on her starting day. Something to do with another job offer. What she told me was so funny. She said the other job that paid more money didn’t work out, so she waited a few weeks and reapplied, hoping to get a different job interviewer. Unfortunately, she got the same one. At the end of the interview, she was asked, If I hire you again will you show up this time? I laughed at her story and the way she told it to me.

I thought, as we were talking, and taking a morning break together, how odd it was for her to get rehired a second time, because if she had not reapplied for this job, I would never have met her.

Her name was Deborah, and what a little cutie she was, with her perfectly proportioned body, and strikingly beautiful face. She had mystical eyes that looked so sincere. Her clothes she had on all matched and fit her so well, along with her hair done just right. She was classy.

As we talked, I felt genuine interest from her. Something in her manner, hard to explain, but she had a soft way about her that started tugging at me. She was very feminine, and her smile was so natural, and when she spoke, her voice was soothing to my ears. Yeah, I definitely liked her right from the start.

We were in August. It was the thirteenth of 1990 when our paths crossed. She told me she was thirty-six years old and her birthday was In September. I asked, Oh really, what day?

September twenty-third.

I replied, Isn’t that the first day of autumn?

Yes, it is.

I said, How cool.

What’s yours? She asked.

Well, mine is in four days, on August seventeenth, and I’ll be forty-seven.

She mentioned that she liked my age, and said she was more comfortable with older men because they were more mature.

I smiled as I continued listening to her. Inside my mind I was trying to think of things to say to her because, basically, my life at this point was a total wreck. I had completed high school and started college while jumping headfirst right into life. My teen years were ending, and so with a few of my old school friends we started enjoying this newfound freedom of life. I got a job making my own money but spent most of it staying out late at night with my friends, smoking dope and playing pool. After a couple of years, I married my school girlfriend, Judy, and that produced two beautiful sons whom we named Randy and Jeff. I loved those boys so much, seeing them grow up bigger each year.

Thinking back, I was so adolescent, making bad, immature decisions, and eventually, being unfaithful caused Judy to file for divorce. Our nine years of marriage was over, and I was to blame.

I was thirty at that point and alone without her and my boys. She had pulled a few stupid things, also, but I knew I was mostly to blame.

God cast judgement on me, and that punishment was severe. I grew up overnight, and suddenly my life changed. The pot-smoking and Irresponsible choices came to an end. Now living in the aftermath, I was confronted with the pain and confusion that my boys were going through. The guilt was overwhelming, so I fought as hard as I could to stay in their lives. They were now six and seven years old and having crying spells because I wasn’t there. So, I received visitation rights twice a month, and used those visits wisely to include both of them back in my life. I spent quality time having fun and taking them with me everywhere. I thank God they never stopped loving me.

Through this time period I was dating a girl I met at work named Diane. She was very nice and happy-go-lucky. She had three sons and was three years older than me. We cohabitated for many years, then got married. Diane’s family was very large and close. They did absolutely everything together. Sports, camping, you name it. She had three brothers and four sisters, all with their own families, so there were at least thirty people at every event. It was always fun, but there was a fly in the ointment. Her boys, especially the middle one, felt from the beginning like I was trying to replace their father. Thus, they treated me like I was a threat and resented my being there. I tried to overcome the hatefulness that I felt daily. Diane would hear their words and never defend me. Their rejections of me after ten years of marriage had taken their toll. I decided to separate from her and got my own place about seven miles away.

Diane and I talked on the phone every night, but I needed my own space. She had done nothing wrong yet I couldn’t stay in that negative environment another day. This caused her pain, and It was hard to do, but I couldn’t help it; my life there was empty.

So, I left to find a sanctuary, a place of refuge where I could get my confidence back.

And as I looked up, Deborah was telling me she was from Framingham, Massachusetts. I smiled at her, assuring her I was listening as I was thinking about my past and said, That sounds like a great place to be born. I was born back east also, in Knoxville, Tennessee.

As she was watching me give her information about me, she said, I assumed you were born here in California.

Well, I replied, it seems like I’ve been here all my life, but I actually moved to California in the spring of 1955.

How old were you?

I was eleven that year. What year did you come here?

We moved here when I was eight in 1961.

What brought you here?

My father got transferred here because of his job.

Wow, kind of the same as me, I said, and by that time our morning break was over. We walked back into our building and went up to the third floor and back to our desks.

As I sat down in my chair, I was going over our conversation in my mind. How I listened to her clever choice of words and questions. Her voice just seemed pure to me and made me want to be with her.

My mind was now focused on seeing her during our lunch break, our job here was in the health care industry. The name of the company was called Glassrock, which employed approximately 150 people. Out of those about 90 percent were women, most of whom were in their twenties and thirties. My department was in charge of scanning all medical claims for coverage mistakes. I was the head of the department, and my office cubicle had all the rules and regulation books in it. Due to this, many women were coming in and out of my cubicle every day, checking the books for medical answers.

Tedious and repetitive work to say the least and was only broken up as they came in and out of my office. Each one of them bringing short, little conversations about whatever. Actually, earlier that morning, Sandy from human resources had taken Deborah on a small tour to meet the people in both departments, and my cubicle was her last stop. There happened to be four or five women in my cubicle at the time. My back was to the entrance when I heard Sandy call my name. I rolled my chair around and I saw her. I was smiling as I said hi to Sandra, who said, Jim, this is Deborah. She just started today in the data invoicing department.

I said, Hello, I’m Jim and welcome to Glassrock, and noticed her eyes as they scanned all the women with me.

As she focused back on me with those eyes, she said hello. I smiled at her, and they walked away.

Over the last year or so I became good friends with two girls who worked in Deborah’s department. They were Carolyn and Anna. We had become accustomed to sharing lunch together and they were just down the hall and around the corner.

Several times each day I would get up to stretch my legs and I would swing over to talk to them as they worked at their desks.

Carolyn was nice and friendly, and also married. She was easy to talk to and had a warm, motherly way about her. She displayed her concern about my health, especially about my smoking. So she made me start giving that some thought, and I stopped smoking about four months before. When I told her, she said she was so proud of me. She was in her early thirties, very nice looking, and had no children, but seemed lonely at times.

Anna was born in Columbia. She had been in the United States for ten years and spoke broken English. She had black hair and was about thirty-eight years old, with a son. She had been divorced for four years and was so pleasant and nice, even a little shy at times. With her words, a little hard to understand, she told us her husband had left her alone to raise their son by herself, and her salary barely covered that. We became good friends after Carolyn introduced us. So, the three of us had lunch together every day.

I always made them laugh with my words of praise, and as we talked, I would give them each a short shoulder massage. Some would say I flirted like a little devil, and Innocently I did, but we were just good friends.

There were also two other girls from the claims department who joined us for lunch on occasion. Their names were Michelle and Jackie. They were fairly new employees, and In their late twenties. Jackie was single and pretty, with blond hair, interesting to talk to. Michelle had a lisp in her speech and was funny when she talked, but she was sweet and Innocent, and we loved it when they joined us. We would all talk about ourselves, and others, you know, typical group conversations.

As I sat at my desk correcting invoices, I kept reflecting back to my ten a.m. break with Deborah. I just walked up and started talking to her just to be friendly because she was alone on break and didn’t know anyone. Little did I know the impact she would have on me. Something about her soft voice that kept repeating her words in my mind like a song. I was definitely intrigued.

As I looked up at the clock it was eleven thirty, and our lunch hour started at noon, so I headed over to see Carolyn and Anna. As I entered their space, I noticed Deborah’s desk was just across from them a few feet away. Carolyn saw me and asked,

Have you met Debbie? She just started today.

Yes, I said, we met this morning. And I said hi to her. She smiled.

I started talking to Carolyn and Anna about their weekend, and Carolyn said, Mine sucked. My husband played golf both Saturday and Sunday, and I did nothing. Anna and I both laughed at her.

As I turned around to face Deborah, she looked at me and I asked her, Would you like to join us for lunch today downstairs?

She looked at the three of us, and with a pause, she slowly said, Okay.

I went back to my desk with a smile on my face and feeling a weird happiness inside. Funny how little changes can affect you in ways you don’t expect.

At noon we took the elevator together down to the lobby and entered a convenient snack and sandwich store located right by the main entrance to the building. We bought some food items and walked outside and sat at a table in the patio area right by the promenade.

It was August 13th, 1990, and a very warm day. As we sat having lunch, the girls were talking and laughing, and as I watched them and listened, I noticed it was a bit windy that day, but not bad. But it was enough to cause everyone’s hair to blow upward. Deborah saw me looking at her hair and tried to hold it down with her hands. Everyone used hairspray in those days, so everyone’s hair, including mine, was kinda glued in place, and the wind was blowing our hair up in solid sections. It became funny as we were sitting there, and It caused everyone to start laughing at each other.

Deborah was funny and said, Well, at least we know no one’s wearing a wig.

Then everyone really started busting up. She was fun and had the gift of making people laugh as she talked. Everything about her was cute and Interesting, and she would use funny one-liners as we talked to her.

Deborah, Carolyn, and Anna were talking about one thing then another, and getting along so well together. I talked also but mostly I watched as they got acquainted. Debbie was talking about previous jobs she had and what led up to her working at Glassrock. Me, I was drawn to her beautiful right leg, swinging up and down as It was crossed over her left. Her legs and feet were really nice and petite, and as I watched them, she noticed and softly Chuckled. I looked away, smiling at the three of them, and they kept talking. I got busted by her, but I couldn’t help it, they were great to look at.

That lunch hour went by so fast, and before I knew it we were heading back upstairs.

As days went by, Deborah and I were enjoying each other’s company at morning break every day. I was Infatuated with her as she told me about her life in general. She was so easy to talk to, and as I listened to her, I found out she was single with two daughters. She had been in an abusive marriage, which ended when her girls were very young. She told me her family helped her to restart her life. She had three brothers and one sister, plus her mom whom she loved so very much. Holding back, I told her about my marriages but didn’t go into a lot of detail. I mentioned my sons, who were then nineteen and twenty but left out the part where I didn’t see them much anymore. To be honest, my life, at this point, seemed so sub-standard to hers. She had this complete in control of her life, an air about her, and It made me want to be apart of it. Now I could see she was content with her life as It was, so I smiled at her with my eyes and just continued to get to know her story. I also shared more of me with her, like losing my mom and brother, and not having any family except my sister. I tried not to expose too much of me too soon, because I liked her and didn’t want to push her away.

Needless to say, by the second week of getting acquainted with her, I asked her if she would give me her phone number, and she quickly said, No. You see, Carolyn and Anna, I found out later, both had told her to stay away from me because I was a flirt with all the girls. I wasn’t aware of this at the time, so I just tried harder. Deciding to try a sneaky approach, I came up with a good idea. The company’s summer picnic was coming up, so I went to her desk and said, Deborah, the picnic committee wants me to get your phone number so they can ask you if your gonna attend this Saturday.

As she was watching me ask her this question, she stopped typing on her keyboard and started really laughing. Looking at me, she said, Oh, no you don’t, mister, but nice try.

Did that come across as desperate as I think it did?

Yes, now go away. I’ll see you at lunch.

As I left to go to my desk, I thought, Nothing I try works with this woman, and thinking back, I did flirt a lot, but just carefree. I never asked any one of them for their phone number. She had seen those women in my cubicle the first day and planned to stay clear of me.

That Saturday I didn’t go to the picnic because I was sure she wouldn’t go, so I cleaned my house and truck that weekend. When Monday rolled around, I found out they all went, and as soon as I got to work, I was ambushed. All three of them were asking me why I wasn’t at the picnic. Deborah said, We looked for you all day, it was so much fun.

I glanced at them while thinking of something cool to say, so I lied and said, Well, you guys didn’t tell me you were going so I went to a classic car show on Saturday.

As they were talking about it, inside my mind I was kicking myself for not going. I might have gotten her phone number.

Now, every week at work we had casual Friday, which meant we could put away the ties and dresses and dress casually. The last Friday before the picnic I showed up in jeans and a florescent t-shirt with my sleeves rolled up all cool. I had the build and muscular arms for it, and Debbie was Impressed. So, not to be outdone, she started wearing jeans with a t-shirt, and rolled her sleeves up also. It made me feel special that she copied me, and I have to say, with her perfect little, petite body she looked cute as could be. This made me think she might possibly like me, so, instead of trying to get her phone number, I was going to ask her something else.

So, at our ten a.m. break that Monday I got up the