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    The Cursed Frog: & Other Modern Fairy Tales For Grown-Ups
    The Cursed Frog: & Other Modern Fairy Tales For Grown-Ups
    The Cursed Frog: & Other Modern Fairy Tales For Grown-Ups
    Ebook61 pages49 minutes

    The Cursed Frog: & Other Modern Fairy Tales For Grown-Ups

    By Jason Antoon

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Jason Antoon’s modern fables are like the classic ones except funnier and nobody ever learns anything. Ten weird and wonderful tales of pickpockets, putzes and philandering politicians. Not for kids!
    “Jason Antoon is funny as hell.” — Topher Grace 
    “His one-of-a-kind view of human behavior makes the

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherJASON ANTOON
    Release dateApr 16, 2018
    ISBN9781732292420
    The Cursed Frog: & Other Modern Fairy Tales For Grown-Ups

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      Book preview

      The Cursed Frog - Jason Antoon

      Copyright © 2018 by Jason Antoon

      All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Dutch Kills Press, LLC.

      www.dutchkillspress.com

      Cover illustration: Renee French.

      This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

      First Print Edition: May 2018

      For Seana and the HaHa’s

      Contents

      The Horn Breaker

      The Actor

      The Rich Lady’s House

      The Time Cheater

      The Writers

      The Dip and the Dish

      The Cursed Frog

      The American Flag Blanket

      The Rager

      The Hoarder

      The Editor

      The Time Capsule

      About the Author

      About Dutch Kills Press

      The Horn Breaker

      A retired ballet dancer named Ann awoke in the early hours of the New Year to a commercial on her video screen. A handsome television host promised to rid anyone of their demons. The Horn Breakers will fight for you and your loved ones, he said. No prescriptions. No therapy. No exorcists needed.

      Her whole life Ann had battled her inner demons, and she was losing. Now she found that she had a new purpose. So she headed to the office of The Horn Breakers, a custom vintage van decorated with a psychedelic airbrush of a silhouetted figure wielding a flaming sword surrounded by ominous yellow fog. Above the image, in a trippy font, it read: The Horn Breakers. At first, Ann was hesitant to knock, as warnings from her childhood reminded her that only bad things happen inside shaggin’ wagons. But knock she did, and when the side door slid open she was greeted not by the handsome TV host, but by an ugly, squat imp with a ruby tooth. For such a small man he looked strong and battle-worn. He wore earbuds that dangled to a device in one of the many pockets on his overalls.

      Can I help you? he said.

      I need to clear myself of my demons, Ann said, trying not to eye the carpeted interior behind the three foot man.

      You came to the wrong place. We don’t ‘clear’ here, we kill. Literally.

      I don’t care what you call it. I just want my life back.

      Come inside. We’ll discuss the details, the imp said.

      For some reason Ann knew she’d be safe inside the van. They sat on the shag carpeting.

      Do you have an item from your childhood? Something you cherished?

      There’s a talking doll my parents got me for my sixth birthday. It’s in a box somewhere in my attic.

      Very well. Fill out this contract, and if you can afford our services, we can get started immediately.

      Of course she could afford it. The imp’s lack of culture meant that he did not recognize Ann as the former prima ballerina of the New York City Ballet. She was famously known as the bipolar ballerina because no one performance was the same, and one was lucky enough to be in attendance on a night she had a manic episode. But an injury befell her when a set piece collapsed onto her ankle, winning her a hefty settlement and forcing her into retirement.

      As the imp looked over the contract, he was deeply concerned. He hadn’t yet dealt with a demon as powerful as what she claimed.

      I implore you to find that doll, the imp said. We will need to bring it with us.

      Bring it where? Ann asked.

      You’ll see, the imp said.

      Ann drove home, ran up to her attic and found the doll. On its ratty houndstooth dress was the doll’s name: Beulah. She pulled the doll’s string, but its voice box wasn’t operating.

      The next day Ann and her doll were back at the Horn Breakers office, seated on the shag carpet, across from the imp. After payment was verified, he unzipped a leather medicine bag and took out a large handheld mirror.

      The imp said, Would you mind looking at my mirror, Ann?

      He lifted the mirror and faced it and held it

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