Ronnie Barker: We interrupt this website for a special bulletin: The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday's report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head.
Ronnie Corbett: And we've just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M-1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
Ronnie Barker: Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham Palace today, the queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloak room and vacuumed the lounge.
Ronnie Corbett: After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
Ronnie Barker: The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.
Ronnie Corbett: And we've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned. And now, back to our regular programme.
