- General Streck, German High Command: [talking on the phone] What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger?
- [pause]
- General Streck, German High Command: Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition.
- [Hangs up]
- General Streck, German High Command: He's dead.
- Martin: Nick, I've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm.
- Nick Rivers: Listen to me, Hillary. I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.
- Hillary Flammond: I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.
- [Long pause. Both very slowly turn to the camera]
- [Nick and Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. Shetland pony is coughing]
- Nick Rivers: What's wrong with him?
- Wagon Driver: Oh, he caught a cold last week and he's just a little hoarse.
- Horse: [singing as they leave] It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog...
- [the East German national anthem]
- All: Hail, hail East Germany / Land of fruit and grape / Land where you'll regret / If you try to escape / No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall / Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn't first.
- Doctor Flamond: You see, a year ago, I was close to perfecting the first magnetic desalinization process so revolutionary, it was capable of removing the salt from over 500 million gallons of seawater a day. Do you realize what that could mean to the starving nations of the earth?
- Nick Rivers: Wow. They'd have enough salt to last forever.
- Hillary Flammond: My uncle was born in America.
- Nick Rivers: Oh, really?
- Hillary Flammond: But he was one of the lucky ones. He managed to escape in a balloon during the Jimmy Carter presidency.
- German teaching tape: Die Sauerkraut ist in mein Lederhosen.
- Nick Rivers: Hillary. That's an unusual name.
- Hillary Flammond: It's a German name. It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity'.
- Nick Rivers: I'm pleased to meet you. My name's Nick.
- Hillary Flammond: Nick? What does that mean?
- Nick Rivers: Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.
- [Introducing his men]
- Du Quois: This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant-garde, and Deja Vu.
- Deja Vu: Have we met before monsieur ?
- Nick Rivers: I don't think so.
- [Deja Vu continues to eye him suspiciously]
- Du Quois: Over there, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse.
- [Chocolate Mousse unblinking puts his lit cigar in his mouth and eats it]
- Nick Rivers: Martin, I've been practicing. How this?
- Nick Rivers: Ist Ihr Tochter achtzehn, bitte?
- Martin: What does that mean?
- Nick Rivers: Is your daughter eighteen?
- Agent Cedric: Wait.
- [leans down and picks something up]
- Agent Cedric: You dropped your phony dog poo.
- Blindman: What phony dog poo?
- [walks away]
- Blindman: Souvenirs. Novelties. Party tricks. Souvenirs. Novelties...
- Du Quois: Well, Mr. Rivers, it seems that you have become- How do you say indispensable?
- Nick Rivers: Indispensable.
- Du Quois: That's what I thought.
- General Streck, German High Command: I'm afraid you leave me no alternative but to introduce you to two of my associates.
- [a bald henchman comes forward]
- General Streck, German High Command: Bruno is almost blind, has to operate wholly by touch.
- [Cut to a blank-faced second man]
- General Streck, German High Command: Klaus is a moron who knows only what he reads in the New York Post.
- [Klaus is shown holding a copy of New York Post with the headline 'Maniac stalks Olivia Newton-John']
- Hillary Flammond: For as long as a single man is forced to cower under the iron fist of oppression, as long as a child cries out in the night, or an actor can be elected president, we must continue the struggle.
- [on train at checkpoint]
- Nick Rivers: Where are they taking him?
- Colonel von Horst: They are not taking him anywhere.
- [gunshot is heard off screen]
- [Doctor Flamond is being rescued. He is scooping dirt with a tablespoon]
- Doctor Flamond: How ironic. Another day and I would have completed my tunnel.
- Nick Rivers: [Bends down to a hole in the wall to see a stock photo of the Lincoln tunnel to New Jersey] Nice work!
- Priest: [accompanying Nick from his cell to the execution chamber] In domini patrium spiritus morbidum dio madre. Omni Gallia divisa est in tres partes. Corpus delecti. Quid pro quo. Veni, vidi, vici. Nolo contendere. Habeas corpus. Rick Dureus. Ipso facto. Pro forma. Pari passeu. Hic, hike, hoc. Huius, huius, huius. E pluribus unum. Ouriyay oingay ootay etgay iedfray inthe airchay. Tempus fugit. Caveat emptor. Coitus interruptus. Mitzi Gaynor ad nauseam. Amen
- Colonel von Horst: [reporting on Nick's interrogation] They're still working on him. He won't break. We've tried everything! Do you want me to bring out the Leroy Nieman paintings?
- General Streck, German High Command: No. We cannot risk violating the Geneva Convention!
- Hillary Flammond: Things change, people change, hairstyles change...
- Nick Rivers: Hillary, I want you to be with me.
- Hillary Flammond: Interest rates fluctuate. Who knows?
- Agent Cedric: [sidling up to Blindman] Know any good white basketball players?
- Blindman: There are no good white basketball players.
- [a wounded Latrine stumbles into the Resistance hideout]
- Nigel: What did you find out, Latrine?
- Du Quois: Where are the others?
- Latrine, Resistance Member: Oh, we never had a chance. It was a slaughter.
- Deja Vu: We must put a stop to these afternoon football games.
- German teaching tape: I want a schnauzer with my weinerschnitzel.
- Nick Rivers: Are you in some kind of trouble with the police?
- Hillary Flammond: Some things are much better left unsaid.
- Nick Rivers: Like what?
- Hillary Flammond: Well, you know... sometimes when you blow your nose into a tissue and you put it in your purse, then a little while later you have to reach in there for your lipstick or something, and your hand gushes into it, and it goes all over...
- Nick Rivers: Okay, okay, you're right, you're right. Some things are better left unsaid.
- Nigel: It was a Russian ship. They taught me all about you imperialist swine. I was exposed to the works of great thinkers - Karl Marx, Lenin, L. Ron Hubbard, Freddie Laker.
- Hillary Flammond: [hugging her friends before getting on plane] Good-bye Chocolate Mousse, I'll never forget you. Good-bye Du Quois, take care of yourself. Good-bye Deja Vu, I'll always remember you. And I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
- Doctor Flamond: If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory.
- Hillary Flammond: Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?
- Blindman: In women's tennis, I always root against the heterosexual.
- Hillary Flammond: Come on. We've got to get out of here.
- Nick Rivers: Don't you think we ought to wait for the police?
- Hillary Flammond: That was the police!
- Hillary Flammond: Only a year ago, I was teaching a course in black history at the University of Blaupunkt.
- Deja Vu: Don't take it so hard Nick, life is filled with it's little miseries, each of us in his own way must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion.
- [Sneezes into hands screams, and jumps out a window]
- Du Quois: Go with Nick. Don't worry about us. We will hear his music on the Voice of America. We will hear it in the hearts of the people, and in elevators everywhere.
- Nick Rivers: Do you mind if I have a swig of this?
- [picks up bottle]
- Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Go right ahead.
- Nick Rivers: [takes a mouthful, spits in disgust] What the hell is this stuff?
- Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Gasoline.
- [laughs and takes a swig himself]
- Hillary Flammond: [in German] What do you recommend?
- Waiter: [in German] I recommend the pork bellies marinated in diced pig entrails or the roast swine knuckles poached with flaming hog balls.
- Nick Rivers: Anything's fine.
- Der Pizzahaus Girl: Excuse me but aren't you Nick Rivers, the American rock 'n' roll star?
- Nick Rivers: No. No I'm not.
- Der Pizzahaus Girl: Oh, but you must be. If you could sing just one song...
- Nick Rivers: I'm sorry but you must have me confused with someone else. I'm, uh... Mel Torme.
- Albert Potato, Resistance Member: [watching Nick perform in Der Pizza Haus] This is *not* Mel Torme!
- General Streck, German High Command: Stamp from the East German Headquarters: 'Find Him And Kill Him'
- Latrine, Resistance Member: [throws dead carrier pigeon on table]
- Latrine, Resistance Member: We have a traitor in our midst.
- Deja Vu: Well done, Latrine. I see that you have taken care of him appropriately.
- Du Quois: [looks at Deja Vu] Not the bird, you fool! This is a carrier pigeon on its way to the German Headquarters.
- Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Something's wrong here. Where's the truck?
- Nick Rivers: Where's Hillary?
- Deja Vu: I'm hungry.
- General Streck, German High Command: ...And once again, Germany will be united under one rule - OURS. After Sunday, there will be no one to stop us.
- Nick Rivers: [singing a jingle he wrote] Are you lonesome tonight? Is your kitchen a sight? Is your wardrobe all rundown and bare? Is your lipstick all smeared? Are your stockings not sheer? Do they make your legs show all your hair? Do the tears on your pillow roll down as you turn? Do they short out the blanket and make the sheets burn? Is your heart filled with pain? Will you come back again? Shop at Macy's and love me tonight!
- Doctor Flamond: Well, young one, I had the secret police break into my house, they tore me from my family, ransacked my laboratory and... brought me to this dungeon.
- Nick Rivers: That sucks!
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