Soapdish (1991)

Sally Field: Celeste Talbert

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer] 

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

  Edmund Edwards : [offstage]  This guy never heard of contact lenses?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  The test results have come back.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  And?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...

  [pause] 

  Jeffrey Anderson : Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

  Burton White : What the hell?

  David Barnes : [offstage]  Brain fever!

  Edmund Edwards : [offstage, loudly]  Say it!

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Brain fever!

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...

  [they both goggle at the word] 

  Jeffrey Anderson : Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Literally explode?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Exactly, within the next three houses.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Hours?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Restaurant?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Restaurant, yes.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Her brain will actually explode?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

• Celeste Talbert : David! David! David, David, David, David, David!

  David Barnes : Hey, great scene with Bolt.

  Celeste Talbert : I realize I'm not a young woman; however...

  David Barnes : What do you mean, you're not...

  Celeste Talbert : ...could you PLEASE point out to our new costume designer

  [grabs her] 

  Celeste Talbert : whose name I don't quite have yet...

  Tawny Miller : Tawny Miller, Miss Talbert.

  Celeste Talbert : How do you do.

  [to David] 

  Celeste Talbert : - that I don't feel quite right in a turban. What I feel like is GLORIA FUCKING SWANSON! What am I, 70, David? Am I 70? Why don't you just put me in a walker? Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it!

  David Barnes : [to Tawny]  You're fired.

  Tawny Miller : Oh God.

  David Barnes : I'm just kidding.

  [into PA system] 

  David Barnes : Attention: no turbans for Miss Talbert!

• Celeste Talbert : [accepting an award]  Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...

  [At their table] 

  Ariel Maloney : Bitch!

  David Barnes : Hag!

  Montana Moorehead : I hate her so much!

• [to her male costar] 

  Celeste Talbert : Next time, could you wear a swimsuit underneath the towel? It's a little early in the day for me.

  [walks off] 

  Blair Brennan : I can't act in a swimsuit.

  Tawny Miller : I know...

• Celeste Talbert : Yes. Yes. Yes. I AM guilty. Guilty of love in the first degree.

• Celeste Talbert : I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?

  Lori Craven : I know that speech.

  Celeste Talbert : You do?

  Lori Craven : Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.

• Jeffrey Anderson : Of course I can kiss her!

  Lori Craven : This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!

  Celeste Talbert : No! You can't! You can't kiss her!

  Jeffrey Anderson : Why because she's *your* neice?

  Celeste Talbert : [shouts]  No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.

  Lori Craven : What?

  Jeffrey Anderson : What are you talking about?

  Celeste Talbert : We're her parents! *You* and I!

  [sobbing] 

  Celeste Talbert : We're her Mommy and her Daddy.

• Celeste Talbert : Gloria Swanson is dead, see? I don't mean dead, in a sense. I mean, actually dead! I'm 42 yrs old, I don't want to be dressed like a dead woman. Do you understand that?

• Lori Craven : Celeste, I want to act!

  Celeste Talbert : Don't say that, "I want to act", ever, please!

• Celeste Talbert : What are you doing here?

  Jeffrey Anderson : This is my apartment, I live here, what are YOU doing here?

• [scene switch back and forth of Celeste, Lori, and Jeffrey in Edwards' office] 

  Celeste Talbert : I never worked in an atmosphere like this before.

  Jeffrey Anderson : This whole pregnancy thing is a scam! I resent being treated like a leper!

  Lori Craven : Having to work with these two is a personal nightmare for me. I'm on the verge of a breakdown!

  Celeste Talbert : I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

  Jeffrey Anderson : I could conceivably have a breakdown.

  Lori Craven : I mean, can you imagine what it's like having to face them on the set every single day?

  Celeste Talbert : It just seems to get harder and harder, even though I devoted my entire life to this show.

  Jeffrey Anderson : [walks back and forth lost for words]  Uh...

  Lori Craven : Mr. Edwards, it's them or me, that is the bottom line here. They go or I go!

  Edwards : This is the toughest decision I ever have to make, but I get paid 1.2 million dollars to make these kind of command decisions. So here it is...

  [eats a cracker] 

• Celeste Talbert : I didn't know it was your drainpipe, I thought it was somebody else's drainpipe.

  Jeffrey Anderson : Your eyes, they're burning.

  Celeste Talbert : I've got the flu.

  Jeffrey Anderson : No, they're burning with passion.

  Celeste Talbert : You're full of shit.

  Jeffrey Anderson : Of course I'm full of shit but not about that.

• David Barnes : I was under orders.

  Celeste Talbert : So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.

  David Barnes : Himmler.

  Celeste Talbert : No, no, no.

  David Barnes : Hess.

  Rose Schwartz : Eichmann.

  David Barnes : Eichmann.

  Celeste Talbert : Eichmann! Thank you. Eichmann!

  [points at David] 

  Celeste Talbert : That's you.

• Celeste Talbert : Even for an actor, you're an egomaniac!

• Celeste Talbert : Why are you here?

  Jeffrey Anderson : This is my apartment. I live here. Why are YOU here?

• [Jeffrey is about to prepare the brain transplant] 

  Lori Craven : MOTHER!

  [Celeste sits up] 

  Lori Craven : No, I can't let you do this!

  Burton White : She spoke?

  Jeffrey Anderson : She spoke!

  Montana Moorehead : Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!

  Lori Craven : I can always speak! Mother...

  Montana Moorehead : She's MY mother!

  Celeste Talbert : MONTANA, SHUT UP!

• Celeste Talbert : Next time could you wear a swimsuit underneath the towel? It's a little early in the day for me.

  Blair Brennan : I can't act in a swimsuit.

• Celeste Talbert : Why is he back? You've got to kill him off. Get him out of town. Give him a disease.

• Jeffrey Anderson : I hope you're wearing underwear. Dare I ask?

  Celeste Talbert : I'm lost. I'm not familiar with the neighborhood.

  Jeffrey Anderson : Well you get a nice view of it from up here.

• Jeffrey Anderson : You sure that's why you're here?

  Celeste Talbert : Get your hands off my-God you're so disgusting.

• Jeffrey Anderson : Lori, get your clothes on! Your aunt's here.

  Celeste Talbert : You lowlife, lecherous-Lori?

  Jeffrey Anderson : She left ten minutes ago.

  Celeste Talbert : Don't insult my intelligence.

• Celeste Talbert : Why are you here?

  Jeffrey Anderson : This is my apartment. I live here. Why are you here?

  Celeste Talbert : I'll tell you why I'm here. Oh I'll tell you why I'm here. I'm here because...

  Jeffrey Anderson : Go on, go on, say it!

  Celeste Talbert : I...

  Jeffrey Anderson : I want you Jeffrey. I'm consumed with jealousy for my niece because I want you for myself.

  Celeste Talbert : Oh please.

  Jeffrey Anderson : You still have feelings for me. Admit it.

  Celeste Talbert : My feelings are about you, not for you. There's a very big difference.

• Ariel Maloney : Why, Bolt! I didn't realize you were here.

  Bolt : Well... I am.

• Celeste Talbert : I'm not a genius. I'm just a working actress.

• Celeste Talbert : I don't expect you to be nice to me. I don't expect you to forgive me. What I did was horrible!

  Jeffrey Anderson : No-no. No. No. Dinner theatre is horrible. Doing hemorrhoid commercials is horrible. What you did... there are no words for!

• Lori Craven : Get out!

  Celeste Talbert : [crying]  Please try to understand what I am going through.

  Lori Craven : I don't give a *shit* what you're going through!

  Celeste Talbert : There's no need to use that kind of language.

  Lori Craven : [shouts]  Get out! Now!

• Celeste Talbert : This is my husband, Bolt.

• Celeste Talbert : I have to get off this show while I'm still alive.

• Rose Schwartz : I could write you out for six months. You could take a sabbatical. Six months you'd be gone. We'll just say that Maggie went to Tibet to visit with the Dalai Lama. Like a spiritual thing.

  Celeste Talbert : I thought the Dalai Lama moved to LA?

  Rose Schwartz : Well, then some other Lama. It doesn't matter. Fernando Lamas.

• Celeste Talbert : Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. You know, you're not going to stick me with that John Farbstein again - the one with the yellow teeth and the long nose hair. I'm not gettin' in bed with him. There's some people I don't get in bed with.

• Celeste Talbert : David, you can't turn me into a grandmother. I still have my looks.

• Celeste Talbert : Get your hands off my... God! You're so disgusting!

• Celeste Talbert : Jeffrey! Help me please.

  Jeffrey Anderson : You're kidding?

  Celeste Talbert : Jeffrey, please?