- Mama Klump: Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
- Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.
- [lets a loud fart, and Ernie Klump Jr. laughs harder and harder]
- Papa Klump: There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
- Mama Klump: Cletus, that is disgusting. We're tryin' to have a meal and you wanna start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
- Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
- Mama Klump: I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.
- Papa Klump: Don't you talk about putting a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
- Mama Klump: I didn't say nothing about putting no hose up nobody's ass. Cletus, I said...
- Papa Klump: What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run your asshole by the car wash?
- [Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out-of-control laughter]
- Mama Klump: You're choking the baby.
- Papa Klump: As long as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.
- [lets another loud fart]
- Grandma Klump: Who's that calling my name?
- Mama Klump: Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is...
- [farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]
- Grandma Klump: Keep insulting me.
- [picks up a knife]
- Grandma Klump: I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.
- Papa Klump: Yeah. You know, I can go all night.
- [lets another loud fart]
- Mama Klump: Keep farting. I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.
- [Cletus lets another fart, Ernie Sr laughs loudly and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]
- Mama Klump: Oh, my baby too!
- [Cletus lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]
- Papa Klump: Oops! Now, see what you made me do?
- [starts running away clutching his pants]
- Papa Klump: Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!
- Ernie Klump: Damn, Daddy. You rotten.
- Mama Klump: You've got to clean 'em yourself!
- Grandma Klump: Come on, Cletus! It ain't nuthin' but a short walk. You might walk over, but you limpin' back! I ain't no easy win, nigga!
- [Sherman has bloated back into himself after being Buddy Love at the banquet]
- Sherman Klump: If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
- [to Carla]
- Sherman Klump: Sorry.
- Mama Klump: Cletus, come clean this garbage up.
- Papa Klump: Man, I'm watchin' TV!
- Grandma Klump: I'll kick your lazy ass up.
- Papa Klump: I told you, none of your damn business!
- Grandma Klump: You lazy mother...!
- Sherman Klump: The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept *myself* for who I am.
- Sherman Klump: I assure you, I will not let you down.
- Dean Richmond: You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, never mind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
- [pause]
- Dean Richmond: I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.
- Buddy Love: What's wrong with that breath? I can smell it over here! Reggie, your breath is so stinky, people look forward to your farts. Breath smells like shit! Do you smell shit?
- [sniffs]
- Buddy Love: I SMELL SHIT!
- Sherman Klump: Daddy, all I'm saying is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
- Ernie Klump: The only thing that's 'bout to break through is your ass 'bout to break through the seat of your pants.
- Mama Klump: Cletus, the dog's ripped the garbage open again!
- Papa Klump: Well, shoot the damn dog!
- Mama Klump: I'm not shootin' no dog!
- Papa Klump: I'm tryin' to watch "Roseanne."
- Buddy Love: [touches her sexually] Is that a test tube in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?
- Wellman College Alumni: [pushes away] Ugh! How dare you!
- Buddy Love: Oh, you know you love it. I felt your percolating.
- Buddy Love: [making fun of Reggie's hair] Reggie, I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks? That ain't you hair, man. Take that pile of shit off your head.
- Grandma Klump: [starts coughing heavily]
- Papa Klump: Everybody better cover your plate.
- Mama Klump: Here, Mama, have some water.
- Grandma Klump: Whatcha talkin' about, cover your plate? Not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.
- Buddy Love: [to Reggie] OK, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes?
- [Buddy stands up]
- Buddy Love: All right!
- [Buddy claps his hands once]
- Buddy Love: Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
- [everyone in the room except Reggie roars with laughter]
- Buddy Love: All right! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
- [everyone except Reggie laughs louder]
- Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
- [everyone except Reggie laughs even louder]
- Buddy Love: Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
- [everyone in the room, except Reggie roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
- Buddy Love: [walking past Reggie] Earl Scheib! At Earl SCHEIB!
- [laughs]
- Buddy Love: Reggie's mother is so fat... her blood type is rocky road!
- [everyone cheers except Reggie]
- Buddy Love: Last one! Reggie's mother's so fat... HER BELT SIZE IS EQUATOR!
- [everyone except Reggie loudly roars with laughter]
- Professor Carla Purty: I just had to come over and introduce myself because I've been following your work for many years and I'm a big fan!
- Sherman Klump: Well, thank you very much! I'm fatter, er, *flattered* that you've been following my work the way you have.
- Buddy Love: I've got a date at the Alumni Ball, and you've got a date with linoleum.
- Jason: Who?
- [Buddy punches Jason, who falls to the floor in a heap]
- [Cletus farting at dinner with his family and in front of Carla, Ernie Jr laughing]
- Grandma Klump: There you go again, popping off gas in front of this lovely young lady.
- Mama Klump: We're trying to have a meal, you want to put that break on your gas!
- Grandma Klump: Shame on you. I hope your ass turn into a frog.
- Papa Klump: She ain't that cute that I have to hold that gas in my ass!
- Mama Klump: Don't nobody want to hear your flatulence, Cletus Klump!
- [Cletus lets a fart]
- Mama Klump: You're such a disgrace!
- Papa Klump: I stopped holding my gas a long time ago, you know that?
- Mama Klump: Cletus, you're gonna spoil the dinner table at everybody!
- Papa Klump: You say one more word...
- Mama Klump: Look at how y'all influenced this baby.
- [Ernie Jr continues laughing and Sherman puts his hands on his head]
- Sherman Klump: I'm thin! I'm thin! Look at my cheekbones! I have cheekbones! Look at my cheekbones! Yes! Look at my chest! Look at my breasts! Oh, I don't have breasts! I'm an A cup! I don't even need a bra anymore! Oh, God! I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin! I'm thin, I'm thin, oh!
- [singing]
- Sherman Klump: Nothing but air there/Nothing but air there/My ass is gone now/I'm slim, slim, slim, slim--
- [looks down his pants]
- Sherman Klump: Well, I'll be damned. I can see my dick! My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick...
- Buddy Love: Oh, you mean rich dummy terms? I'll break it down. All the rich dummies in the room, listen up! If you gonna eat nasty stuff like this.
- [Picks up a pork chop]
- Buddy Love: I know it looks good and I know how many of you here like pork chop. But this greasy, nasty pork chop, you know there's a gene in your DNA that routes this straight to your fat cells, and it causes all sorts of sightly conditions. Case in point, this woman has what I like to call jello arms...
- [shakes a fat lady's arm]
- Buddy Love: ...you notice the arm has taken on a gelatin sort of vibe. Quite nasty.
- [moves to a man at another table]
- Buddy Love: And to my left, this gentleman has turkey neck,
- [Moves to the woman next to him]
- Buddy Love: to my immediate left, this young lady is suffering from what we like to call saddlebag syndrome,
- [moves to the woman next to her]
- Buddy Love: and to my extreme left, this lady is suffering from what we like to call... tank ass.
- [the woman's husband gets up]
- Buddy Love: Yo, not tonight, man.
- [escorts him back into his seat]
- Buddy Love: I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Like I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, where there's a will, there's a way, and there is a way we can turn these genes off, and I don't mean by using exercise or diet, I'm talking about by taking a simple solution, which helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands, thus giving you the appearance of,
- [picks a nice lady]
- Buddy Love: as they say in medical terms... gluteus minimus, or in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass. Let's give it up for the woman with the nice ass.
- [a few of the other people applaud]
- Buddy Love: She's worked so hard, don't you agree? Have a seat, have a seat. Wow, everybody has a nice ass at this table, is this the nice ass section?
- Professor Carla Purty: [about Reggie] I hate this guy. I hate this guy, he is so obnoxious.
- Buddy Love: [ignores her] Give the nigger a chance.
- [Professor Sherman Klump grunts and groans trying to fit his obese frame into an office chair; he finally gets comfortable and sighs with relief]
- Dean Richmond: Comfy?
- Sherman Klump: Quite.
- Dean Richmond: Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?
- Sherman Klump: No, sir, I'm fine.
- Papa Klump: [When Sherman is 'fighting' Buddy on the stage] Someone had better go and call the exorcist!
- Reggie Warrington: Boy's so fat, when he goes outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighbourhood shout Kool Aid!
- [the three ladies are in the vanity room freshening up after having dinner with Buddy Love]
- Sexy Girl: He talked to me first!
- Sexy Girl: Hey, I'm the one with the 'gluteus minimus'.
- Sexy Girl: Will you guys just chill? He said he could handle all three of us. And with a name like Buddy Love, I bet he can.
- [Carla stands out the doorway listening to them]
- Buddy Love: [next scene, lobby, holds a room key] Carla, are you ready to go upstairs?
- [Carla slaps him very hard in the face]
- Buddy Love: [smiles] I guess not!
- [Carla walks away in disgust]
- Buddy Love: [stops her] Whoa, hey, where are you going? What's your problem?
- Professor Carla Purty: [points at the three girls] They're my problem! And you can handle all three of them, huh?
- Buddy Love: Oh, well, I thought after dinner you might want to have a little group activity. I mean, after all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give!
- Professor Carla Purty: Oh, you are one sick, twisted FREAK!
- [Carla storms out]
- Buddy Love: Oh, come on, Carla what's the--hey! Hey! Go on, leave, there's more titties over here anyway!
- [the three girls giggle with Buddy]
- Buddy Love: Think I want them two titties, I have six titties. I had two titties, now I have six. That's multiplication.
- Buddy Love: Shut up! Who you think you talkin' to, Sherman Klump? Man, if you ever talk to me like that again, I'll kill you. And I don't mean it as euphemism, I'm gonna literally kill you. I'm gonna *strangle* you and cut off *your* air supply until *you* pass away.
- Buddy Love: Fat ass!
- Sherman Klump: Tinkerbell!
- Buddy Love: Blubber butt!
- Sherman Klump: Featherweight!
- Grandma Klump: I know a good church down there on Main Street, but they won't marry you if you're a lesbian.
- Lance: You're not pathetic! People! Pounds do not lose themselves! You have to work! Work! Work! Everybody up! Get up! You, too, at home. Everybody up and say...
- [with audience]
- Lance: Yes, I can!
- [alone]
- Lance: Say it again.
- [with audience]
- Lance: Yes, I can!
- Sherman Klump: [determined] Yes, I can!
- [stomps on the floor]
- Sherman Klump: Yes, I can! Yes...!
- Mr. Wilson: Quiet down, damn it!
- Sherman Klump: Sorry 'bout that down there, Mr. Wilson!
- Mr. Wilson: Klump, shut up!
- Sherman Klump: [sets to work] I can!
- Reggie Warrington: [as a giant Sherman comes through the city] Run for the hills, everyone, it's Fatzilla!
- [chuckles]
- Reggie Warrington: [impressed] Boy he looks like King Kong with titties.
- Reggie Warrington: Boy's so fat, when they cut his ass open with a pen-knife, it bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?
- Mama Klump: [Entering the dining room, holding a bowl of mashed potatoes] Oh, this is so fabulous. Ain't nothing like getting together with family and having a good meal. Ooh, Cletus, take this bowl, this is hot.
- Grandma Klump: I am hungry.
- Papa Klump: Godamn, Sherman! It's almost like we don't see your ass no more. Good to see you, son.
- Ernie Klump: Yeah, Sherman. You think you're too Joe College good to spend a little time with your family every now and then?
- Sherman Klump: Well, I've been real busy with my research.
- Grandma Klump: I don't want no potatoes. You know mashed potatoes give me gas. You know, Sherman, in my day, people used to spend time with their family on Sundays and special occasions, come around and pay their respects.
- Ernie Klump: You mess around and miss all little Ernie's golden years, you gon' be mad at yourself. You'll never...
- Mama Klump: [as Ernie Klump, Jr. burps] Baby's got a little gas.
- Papa Klump: [as Grannie Klump is coughing] Here she go. Y'all better cover your plates.
- Ernie Klump: Now, grandma just needs a peppermint.
- Mama Klump: Mama, have some water.
- Ernie Klump: [as Grannie drinks water] Grandma, you spit on me.
- Grandma Klump: [to Cletus] What you talking about? Cover your plates? No, not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.
- Mama Klump: Sherman, I cooked all this food. Is that all your gonna eat?
- Sherman Klump: Hey hey hey hey! What's wrong with you? You supposed to eat thing, not scalp it!
- Sherman Klump: Well, Daddy, all the calories in the chicken are found in the skin and the fat. So, I just...
- Papa Klump: --Man, what you talking about? That's where all the fats and calories is? You know where that comes from? Watching that damn T.V.! Every time you turn it on, they got somebody talking about lose weight, get healthy, get in shape. Everybody looking all anorexic, talking about that's healthy. I know what healthy is. And tell you something else, I don't know why everybody trying to lose weight in the first place. Ain't everybody supposed to be the same size. We're all supposed to be different. Big, small, medium, midgets. You supposed to have all of that. I don't know what it is everybody wants to be the same size, like that Oprah Winfrey. She gon' lose her weight. Wasn't nothing wrong with her, she was fine. Oprah was a fox. She lose all that weight, her head look all big, skin hanging all over. And Luther Vandross. Nigga used to be the black Pavarotti. Lost all that weight, looking all ashy. Oprah and Luther need to keep they ass one weight 'cause I'm confused.
- Mama Klump: Yeah, I hope there's nothing wrong with Oprah. She doesn't look well.
- Grandma Klump: Ain't nothing wrong with Oprah. I saw Oprah on Hard Copy last week. Was the picture of health. Got her a tall, young, strong gentleman named Steadman. So handsome. She's my favorite out all of them. Jenny Jones, Marilyn Kagan, Maury Povich, Letterman, Leno, Montell, Ricki Lake.
- Ernie Klump: I like Geraldo.
- Grandma Klump: Mike Douglas. Oh, Mike Douglas. You know, Mike Douglas used to make me moist when I watched his show. I would get, I admit I would get moist when I watched his show. The only white man ever did that to me was Mike Douglas.
- Papa Klump: I would like to volunteer to take this old bird out of her misery.
- Mama Klump: Cletus! Don't you dare say something like that about Mama!
- Grandma Klump: Oh no, you ain't gotta protect me from Cletus.
- [to Cletus]
- Grandma Klump: Come on, Cletus. Come on. Come over here. Come on, it ain't anything but a short walk. Come on over. But then, you're gonna limp back. You walk over, but you're limping back. Don't, don't let the gray hair fool ya. I ain't no easy win, nigga.
- Ernie Klump: [to Sherman] You know what you're problem is? You don't work out. Gotta exercise. Look at me. That's all muscle.
- Mama Klump: Oh!
- Ernie Klump: You fat, I'm muscle.
- Mama Klump: [as Ernie Jr. flexes] Oh, look at my little... he's a little Hercules. Show me muscle again. Oh. Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
- Ernie Klump: [to Sherman] Once you work out, your metabolism starts to speed up, you can eat anything you want. Go on, knock yourself out.
- Mama Klump: [about Ernie, Jr] He's so strong.
- Sherman Klump: [to Ernie Sr] Recent studies have shown that certain people are genetically predisposed to gaining weight. Someday in the near future, we might even find a cure.
- Papa Klump: Only thing you need to study is your ass. I got a big ass. Yo' Mama got a big ass.
- Mama Klump: Cletus!
- Papa Klump: You do have a big ass! Don't tell me nothing. Yeah, asses is big in our family. So you need to get used to that and I don't care what diet you go on, you can sew up your stomach and your asshole, you gon' always be fat.
- Sherman Klump: Daddy, all I'm trying to say is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
- Ernie Klump: The only thing about to breaky through is your ass about to break through the seat of your pants.
- Mama Klump: You know, Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on T.V. about colon cleansing. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinking about getting my appointment and going down and getting my colon cleansed thoroughly.
- Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gon' clean mine.
- [He farts]
- Papa Klump: Yeah, now, my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
- Mama Klump: Every time we have a meal, you break gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
- Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop. You the one that brought up colon cleansing and all that mess.
- Jason: [seeing Buddy revert to Sherman while in the car with him] Oh, man! This is Freddy Krueger shit, man!
- Papa Klump: [as Grandma continues talking, to his wife] That's your ho-ass mama.
- Mama Klump: [whispers] Cletus!
- Professor Carla Purty: Sherman, is that you? Are you all right?
- Sherman Klump: [comes out hiding handcuffs and lingerie hanging from the door] Oh, hi, Carla, hi!
- Professor Carla Purty: [notices the whole house a mess] Did you have a party last night?
- Sherman Klump: No, my cleaning lady is, uh--cleaning lady's sick, so I got to clean up myself.
- Professor Carla Purty: I see. You sure she didn't die?
- [Carla and Sherman laugh at this until Sherman hears a toilet flushing coming from one of the ladies Buddy had slept with]
- Sherman Klump: Look, I'm kind of embarrassed about the way how my place is looking. So, why don't I clean up and get back with you a little later.
- Professor Carla Purty: No, no, no, Sherman, Sherman, I need to talk to you, NOW. And it's about Buddy.
- Sherman Klump: [beginning to realize this] He hasn't been misbehaving, has he?
- Professor Carla Purty: He's an egotistical PIG and I wish I never met him. But, Sherman, I owe you a very big apology.
- Sherman Klump: You owe me an apology?
- Professor Carla Purty: Yes. Last night, I was only trying to help, I insisted that Buddy Love speak to Harlan Hartley. He took ALL the credit for your research. Now Dean Richmond...
- Sexy Girl: Where's Buddy?
- [Carla and Sherman see one of the ladies Buddy slept with wearing a camisole and standing outside Sherman's bedroom door looking suspicious and upset]
- Sherman Klump: [nervously] Oh...
- Professor Carla Purty: Buddy came here?
- Sherman Klump: [chuckles nervously] No!
- Professor Carla Purty: So, what's this? You guys--you guys share girls?
- Sherman Klump: Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Professor Carla Purty: I guess I was next on the list.
- Sherman Klump: Oh, no, Carla, you don't understand!
- Professor Carla Purty: [now furious] I cannot believe I came over here feeling sorry for you!
- [Carla storms out]
- Sherman Klump: Carla, will you please just listen to me? I assure you, it is not what it appears to be!
- Professor Carla Purty: And you're no better than he is! You are just as sick as Buddy, and I don't want to see YOU or HIM again!
- Sherman Klump: Carla, please just listen! Carla!
- [Carla slams the door and Sherman sees a little note on it]
- Sherman Klump: [shocked] Eviction notice? 'Violation of noise ordinance'?
- Dean Richmond: So, Harlan, let's have a talk? Man to man?
- Harlan Hartley: Want to talk. I'm divorced and my daughter's in rehab.
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