- [on being told he's been selected as Gay Man of the Year]
- Oscar Novak: I haven't done anything or anyone to deserve this.
- [When Peter clicks his pen, it's supposed to signal to Oscar that he's rambling]
- Oscar Novak: Hey, you have a Buddha! Oh, I love Buddhas.
- [Peter clicks his pen]
- Oscar Novak: They're like bright, cheery, naked Asian Santas.
- [Sound of clicking pen]
- Oscar Novak: You know, I had a buddy in college whose name was Bob and we used to call him "Buddha Bob" because he was kind of fat and he liked to walk around naked.
- [More pen clicking]
- Oscar Novak: We used to rub his belly for luck.
- [Frantic pen clicking. Oscar gets the hint]
- Oscar Novak: Anyway... I love Buddha.
- [awkward pause]
- Oscar Novak: He rocks.
- [Standing outside the cafe, Oscar is looking very ill]
- Amy: Oh, are you OK?
- Oscar Novak: Mouth... watering.
- Amy: God, I knew that Tuna Melt tasted funny. I'm lucky, I can eat just about anything. Know why? Cause my mother was a horrible cook. She used to make this thing that smelled like a wet dog and old tennis shoes and...
- [Oscar retches]
- Amy: Oh, sorry.
- Oscar Novak: Would you excuse me for a second?
- Oscar Novak: [Oscar kneels over and is violently sick] Boy, that felt good!
- Amy: Don't worry, you'll be all right in a minute.
- [Amy pauses, then keels over and is sick as well]
- Oscar Novak: It just doesn't get better than this!
- Oscar Novak: [on the phone to his shocked but supportive mother] I'm not gay. I just have to pretend to be gay for work.
- Oscar Novak: I'm never going to have sex again!
- Peter Steinberg: Oh, of course you will. Just maybe not with a woman.
- Peter Steinberg: You do know there are other fish in the sea?
- Oscar Novak: But what if you found *the* fish?
- Oscar Novak: You know what the most spoken line in movies is?
- Amy: What?
- Oscar Novak: "Let's get out of here."
- Amy: Huh. It makes sense. It works for a lot of situations. "They're shooting at us. Let's get out of here." "Aliens have landed. Let's get out of here." I want to make mad passionate love to you. Let's get out of here."
- Oscar Novak: Those are good, especially the last one.
- [viewing a photograph of the Bosnian flag painted on someone's nude bottom]
- Oscar Novak: I had no idea things were so hairy in Bosnia.
- [Peter is standing with a tub of hair gel and a weird hairdo]
- Oscar Novak: What the hell happened to your head?
- Peter Steinberg: I've been here for nine hours. I got bored.
- Oscar Novak: You're a very strange man. Now, will you get out of my apartment?
- Peter Steinberg: What happened? Oscy... Oscy... it's six in the morning.
- Oscar Novak: It was awful, OK? As soon as we left the gallery, our cab caught on fire. THEN, she elbowed me in the face. THEN, we both threw up. THEN, she slammed a car handle into my balls, OK? The entire night was a total disaster.
- Peter Steinberg: You're in love with her.
- Oscar Novak: Pretty much.
- [upon meeting her boyfriend's wife]
- Amy: I handled that well, didn't I? I'm still in one piece.
- Oscar Novak: Yes, very well.
- [Amy starts to walk away]
- Oscar Novak: Where are you going?
- Amy: To get really, *really* drunk.
- Oscar Novak: What's good?
- Diner Waiter: Tuna melt.
- Oscar Novak: Ohhh... what else?
- Diner Waiter: Tuna melt.
- Amy: What do you think?
- Oscar Novak: Yeah, two tuna melts.
- Olivia Newman: Now... why don't you go put on those red bikini briefs that I gave you? I love the way your butt looks in them.
- Charles Newman: Olivia, I really don't want to.
- Olivia Newman: Charles, What happens when I'm unhappy? What happens?
- Charles Newman: Fine... But not the red ones... they bind
- Charles Newman: God, I swear Oscar, if you weren't gay, I'd have to kill you.
- Oscar Novak: Gay? I'm not gay. I didn't... gay.
- Peter Steinberg: Oskie, I'm a professional. I went to graduate school. I did all-nighters my senior year. I did a semester in Egypt. Do you have any idea what toilet paper feels like in Egypt? I delivered cinnamon rolls on a truck with bad suspension for three years! Do you know what that does to your kidneys? Your kidneys, your kidneys, your kidneys! My poor kidneys! My freaking kidneys! My poor freaking kidneys! My freaking, scarred, bruised kidneys!
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