Eric Idle, Matt Stone, Isaac Hayes, Trey Parker, Mary Kay Bergman, Franchesca Clifford, Anthony Cross-Thomas, and Jesse Brant Howell in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Quotes

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

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Mr. Garrison: ...I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[the whole class gasps]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman picks up a megaphone]
Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.
Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...
Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.
Cartman: Well...
Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.
Cartman: Well...
Kyle: I'm warning you!
Cartman: Okay, okay.
Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...
[gasps]
Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.
[sings the song in four different languages]
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
[Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]
Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!
Stan: Uh, Cartman?
Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!
[the children stare at Cartman]
Cartman: What?
[Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]
Cartman: Oh... Fuck!

[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!
Cartman: SON OF A BI...
[shocks]
Cartman: AHHH!
Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
Ike: Bullshit.
Stan: What's she doing now?
German: Essen meine scheisse.
Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
[Kyle clicks it off]
Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!
[rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]
Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!
Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!
[shocks Saddam]
Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.
Cartman: Dog-shit taco!
Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!
Cartman: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

Chef: Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop.

Sheila Broflovski: What the heck is a rimjob?
Mrs. Cartman: Why, that's where you put your legs behind your head and let someone lick your ass.

Dr. Doctor: We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.

Mr. Garrison: What is five times two?
[No response from the class]
Mr. Garrison: Now come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot.
[Clive raises his hand]
Clive: Twelve.
Mr. Garrison: OK, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

[Finishing his "Kyle's Mom" song]
Cartman: Kyle's Mom... She's a big, fat, fuckin' BIIIIIIIIITCH! Who's a fuckin' bitch? Kyle's Mooooooooom! Yeah!
[Notices Kyle's mom standing behind him]
Cartman: Oh fuck.

[Kenny has just died in the hospital]
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.
Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.
Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.
Kyle: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

Sheila Broflovski: Remember what the MPAA says; Horrific, Deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty woids! That's what this war is all about!

Cartman: Hey dudes!
Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words
Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: And you can't say Shit?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?
Cartman: FUCK YOU!
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: AHHH!
Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!

Kenny: Goodbye, you guys.

Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?
[short pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.

Kyle: Come on, Ike! Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby.
[runs and kicks Ike through a window]

[demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".
Cartman: Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens.
[to Cartman]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana".
Cartman: Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".
Cartman: Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker: All right. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".
Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's all right.
Cartman: Horse fu...
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: That hurts, goddamnit!
[gets shocked again]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".
Cartman: No!
Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi...
[gets shocked repeatedly]

Kyle: Hey, Mole, be careful.
The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?
Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!

Terrence: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch.

Kenny's Mom: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church and then when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
Kenny: [pauses] Okay!

Brooke Shields: I once farted on the set of Blue Lagoon.

General: Now each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands!
[all the African American members put up their hands including Chef]
General: You will be the all important first defense wave, which we will call "Operation Human Shield".
Chef: Hey, wait a minute...
General: Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human Shield' will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit men! Stay until the bitter end. Battalion 14?
[all the White soldiers raise their hands]
General: Right, you are 'Operation Get Behind The Darkies'. You will follow Battalion 5 here and try not to get killed for God's Sake. Are there any questions men?
[Chef raises his hand]
General: Yes Soldier?
Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop!
Chef: Hey!

[singing]
Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!
Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!
Stan, Kyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.
Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.
Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
[intermission]
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!
Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom is a big, fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls. / On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wedensday and Saturday she's a bitch. Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super king kamehameha bee-utch. / Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a big big big big big big bitch. / Bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, and she's such a stupid bitch./Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!
[sings in mock foreign languages]

Army General: [shouting] You told us that windows 98 would be faster, and more efficient with better access to the internet!
Bill Gates: It IS faster! Over five million...
[General shoots Bill Gates and everyone cheers]

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

Brian Dennehy: Did someone say my name?
Stan: Who are you?
Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.
Kyle: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!
Stan: Get the fuck out of here!
Brian Dennehy: Oh. Bye.

[for no reason]
Eric Cartman: I hate you Kenny.

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.
Cartman: Let's see, hmm, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Fine! Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

[hearing Terrence and Phillip say "donkey raping shit eater"]
Ike: Dopey pappy sheet eater.

Big Gay Al: Bombs are flying, people are dying, children are crying, politicians are lying too. Cancer is killing, Texaco's spilling, the whole world's gone to hell, but how are you?
[singing]
Big Gay Al: I'm super! Thanks for asking!

Chorus: [singing] Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fucker. You're a boner biting bastard, Uncle Fucker.
Terrence: You're an uncle fucker, I must say.
Phillip: Well you fucked your uncle yesterday.
Terrance, Phillip: Uncle Fucker. That's U-N-C-L-E FUCK YOU! UNCLE FUCKAAAAHH...
Phillip: Suck my balls.

Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?

Billy Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension, stupid!
[hangs up the phone]
Billy Baldwin: Hey Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
Alec Baldwin: No, what?
Billy Baldwin: Nothing!

[to Phillip]
Terrence: This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.

Newscaster: It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

[American representative stands up and clears his throat]
[pause]
American Representative: Fuck Canada!
Canadian Representative: Hey fuck you buddy!

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

Mr. Mackey: I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrence & Phillip.
Cartman: Everybody's fucking seen it.
Mrs. Cartman: Eric!
Cartman: I'm sorry I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Mr. Mackey: [singing] Step 4, don't say fuck anymore, 'cause fuck is the worst word that you can say.
Children: Fuck is the worst word that you can say. We shouldn't say fuck, no we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!

[at a spelling bee]
Teacher: The word is "forensics".
Kid: Ah, fuck that. Why should we fucking have to spell forensics?
[cheers from kids in audience]
Kid: S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S. Forensics.

Kyle: WUUUUaaahh! WUUUaaaaahhhhh!
Soldier: Hey, you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe's dying over there!

Satan: You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of Darkness.
Chef: Oh, good job Mrs. Broslofski. Thanks a lot!

Saddam Hussein: Ya like that, don't ya, bitch?

The Mole: Hold me.
[coughs]
The Mole: There is no hope now, you must get out of here.
Kyle: We can't leave without you!
The Mole: It's okay, I'm done for.
Kyle: No! We can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!
The Mole: Were is your God when you need him, huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?
[coughs]
The Mole: Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat.
The Mole: [singing] Now the light, she fades... and darkness settles in... but I will find strength...
Kyle: No, Mole, hang on...
The Mole: [singing] I will find pride within...
Kyle: We'll get you home...
The Mole: [singing] Because although I die...
Kyle: I can't face my mother...
The Mole: [singing] Our freedom will be won...
Kyle: Not alone!
The Mole: [singing] Though I die... La Resistance lives... on... BLECHHHHH!
[dies]
The Mole: [dramatic music starts]
Kyle: [cutting the orchestra off suddenly] SHIT!

Cartman: See, it doesn't hurt anyone! Fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Stan: Wait, before we put a message out, do a search on the word clitoris.
Kyle: Hmm OK Found: 8,000,000 pages found with the word clitoris.

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?
Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.
Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.
everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!
everyone: Mountain... town!

Eric Cartman: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle: Your "behind"?
Eric Cartman: I have to say "behind" because I get shocked if I say "ass".
[VChip activates]
Eric Cartman: AGH!

[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]
Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!
Ticket Taker: Hey!
Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!
Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.
Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.
[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]
Stan: Holy shit, dude!
Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!
[begins beating Kenny with a stick]
Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!
[he steps back and the stick lights up]
Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!
[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!
[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]
Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

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