- Nigel Powers: There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch.
- Japanese Man 1: RUN! IT'S GODZILLA!
- Japanese Man 2: It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws - it's not.
- Japanese Man 1: STILL, WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!
- Japanese Man 2: [looks to the camera] Though it isn't.
- [both scream and run away]
- Scott Evil: [to Dr. Evil] I hate you.
- [to Austin]
- Scott Evil: I hate you.
- [to Foxxy]
- Scott Evil: I don't even know you but I hate you too.
- [to Mini-Me]
- Scott Evil: And I ESPECIALLY hate you.
- [to everyone]
- Scott Evil: You'll pay. YOU'LL ALL PAY!
- [Scott runs away]
- Dr. Evil: I'd just like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl.
- Austin Powers: Nice to mole you... meet you. Nice to meet you, Mole.
- [to Foxxy as Basil & The Mole leave]
- Austin Powers: Don't say mole.
- Foxxy Cleopatra: Now stop.
- Austin Powers: I said mole.
- Foxxy Cleopatra: Stop.
- [Basil gestures him to hush]
- Number Three: Bye.
- Austin Powers: Mole.
- [Basil & the Mole try again to leave]
- Austin Powers: Mole.
- [Basil warns him again to hush]
- Austin Powers: Mole.
- Basil Exposition: Oh, shut up!
- Austin Powers: [Basil and The Mole walk out and Austin lets loose] Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
- Fook Mi: [runs to Austin] Austin Powers! You're so great and so sexy!
- Austin Powers: Thanks, baby! Now what's your name?
- Fook Mi: Fook Mi!
- Austin Powers: Can you kiss your mother with that mouth?
- Fook Mi: No! Fook Mi! Like this!
- [turns away so Austin can see Fook Mi written on her bag]
- Austin Powers: Oh! Your name's Fook Mi!
- Fook Mi: Would you like a drink?
- [runs away to get drink]
- Austin Powers: Actually I have a private bar...
- [Fook Mi's twin sister, Fook Yu arrives]
- Fook Yu: Here you go!
- [gives him drink]
- Austin Powers: [thinking she's Fook Mi] Fook Mi, that was fast!
- Fook Yu: Fook Yu!
- Nigel Powers: Easy peasy, lemon-squeasy. What, is this your first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes; You try to attack me, one at a time, and I knock you both out with a single punch. Ready? Go!
- [Dr. Evil's henchmen do exactly as he predicted]
- Nigel Powers: Judo chop. Judo chop.
- Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
- Henchman Sailor: [approaches warily]
- Nigel Powers: Do you know who I am?
- Henchman Sailor: [nods]
- Nigel Powers: Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
- Henchman Sailor: [nods again]
- Nigel Powers: I mean, look at you. You don't even have a name tag. You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down?
- [henchman falls down]
- Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, Austin Power's fahza.
- Dr. Evil: His what?
- Number 2: His fahza, Dr. Evil.
- Dr. Evil: His farger? What's a farger?
- Goldmember: His fahza. You know, the fahza.
- Dr. Evil: You know Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?
- Goldmember: Fahza, his dad, dad is fahza.
- Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. His *fa-ther*
- Austin Powers: Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
- Foxxy Cleopatra: Tell me something I don't know.
- Austin Powers: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
- Foxxy Cleopatra: Say what?
- Austin Powers: That's something you don't know.
- Dr. Evil: Are those sharks with laser beams attached to their heads?
- Scott Evil: [nods]
- Dr. Evil: Cool! You mean that I actually have frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads?
- Mini-Me: [writes] Are you a clone of an angel?
- Foxxy Cleopatra: Ohhh how sweet. No, my mini-man, I'm not.
- Mini-Me: [writes] Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?
- Foxxy Cleopatra: Yes I'm sure.
- Mini-Me: [writes] Would you like to?
- Austin Powers: You know, Dr. Evil, I have always thought you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts.
- [speaking to the camera]
- Austin Powers: I thank you.
- Goldmember: Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?
- Austin Powers: A what?
- Goldmember: A shmoke und a pancake. You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No? Shigar und a waffle? No? Pipe und a crepe? No? Bong und a blintz? No? Well, then there ish no pleashing you.
- Austin Powers: That's not right...
- [after being struck in the groin by a meteor prop]
- Dr. Evil: Alright, let me find my balls, for God's sakes! 1, 2, and 3, okay. I'm okay.
- Fat Bastard: I've been tryin' to go legit.
- Austin Powers: Of course...
- Fat Bastard: But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair will always be tragically skewed...
- [farts]
- Austin Powers: Did you just soil yourself?
- Fat Bastard: Maybe.
- [laughs]
- Fat Bastard: It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Ok, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! It smells like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!
- Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.
- [Scott snickers]
- Dr. Evil: What?
- Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
- Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
- Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
- Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.
- Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
- Dr. Evil: You do?
- Frau Farbissina: Yah. It's a really good plan.
- Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good.
- [Scott resumes snickering]
- Dr. Evil: What is it now?
- Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good... on the hole.
- Goldmember: Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know.
- Dr. Evil: [comes over to Goldmember] How 'bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard?
- Goldmember: Dr. Evil, You look very toit. Yesh, toit like a toiger. Yesh Yesh Yesh.
- Dr. Evil: You know, Goldmember? I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude. Yeah. A little creepy. Mmhmm.
- Dr. Evil: Well, congratulations, numbnuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' jack-in-the-box. Get it off. Get it off! It's dark, it's dark!
- Steven Spielberg: So, Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
- Austin Powers: [smiles] Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest film maker in the history of cinema, is making a movie about my life. Very Shagadelic, baby, yeah.
- [Austin laughs. Then he wears a serious expression]
- Austin Powers: Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
- Steven Spielberg: [holding an Oscar] Really? Well, my friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
- Austin Powers: Well, no offense, Sir Stevie, but you gotta have mojo babe, yeah. Hit it.
- Dr. Evil: Using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is... no one can stop me. Not even... Austin Powers.
- [all laugh maliciously]
- Austin Powers: Not so fast. You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.
- Dr. Evil: Shit.
- Dixie Normous: Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous. I may be just a small-town FBI agent slash single mother, but I'm still tough... and sexy.
- Famous Austin: Well, Miss Normous... shall we shag now, or shag later?
- Foxxy Cleopatra: You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.
- Austin Powers: Oh, I hope there's a search involved.
- Nigel Powers: [rubs throat] Ow...
- Austin Powers: What's wrong with your neck?
- Nigel Powers: I took a Viagra, got stuck in me throat, I've had a stiff neck for hours.
- Nigel Powers, Austin Powers: I thank you!
- Nigel Powers: All right Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy. There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
- Goldmember: What? Take the fahza away! Dutch hater. And now, it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evil's orders. Which, for you, is Bad News Bears.
- [mutters]
- Goldmember: Walter Matthau.
- Dr. Evil: Lower the globe.
- Frau Farbissina: LOWER THE GLOBE!
- Dr. Evil: [globe lands on, and gets stuck on, his head] OW! Ow!
- Goldmember: Scheisse!
- Dr. Evil: Well, congratulations, numbnuts! You've succeeded in turnin' me into a frickin' jack-in-the-box! Get it off. Get it off! It's dark, it's dark!
- Nigel Powers: So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion?
- Mini-Me: [Mini-Me nods unsure]
- Nigel Powers: You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies... Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
- Mini-Me: [Mini-Me unzips his pants]
- Nigel Powers: My lord! You're a tripod. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
- Mini-Me: [Mini-Me nods, smiling]
- Famous Dr. Evil: Hey Powers! You better watch your frickin' self because this is one doctor who does make house calls. Right Mini-Me?
- [camera pans over to...]
- Famous Mini-Me: Hey assholes! I'm Mini-Me! Come and get me!
- Austin Powers: Mole. Bloody mole. We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face. I want to c-u-u-t it off, ch-o-o-p it off, and make guacamole.
- Dr. Evil: All right, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out. Everyone out. C'mon.
- [everyone starts to leave]
- Dr. Evil: Not you, Scotty. Not you, Number 2. Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember. Not you, guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something.
- [Scott and Dr. Evil look at Mini-Me]
- Dr. Evil: Ohh, this is uncomfortable.
- Goldmember: Heheheh, the tiny one can't take a hint. Heheheheh. He doesn't understand he's small.
- Dr. Evil: [rapping] I don't know how to be, no crib on MTV, God only knows, got my Mini-Me in the GP, see how it goes. Evil's all that I see, you ask me my name? D to the rizzo, E to the vizzo, I to the lizzo. I'm a crazy motherfucker, y'all knew that. Austin caught me in the first act, it's all backwards, what's with that? So I'll make a prophecy from the dogs to the Mini-Me. Give me an Escalade, a two-way, bling-bling on eBay. DOMINO, motherfucker!
- Goldmember: [picking skin off his back] Oh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper.
- Dr. Evil: Alright, you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you?
- Goldmember: [eats piece of skin]
- Dr. Evil: You did. Okay, that's just gross.
- [Mini-Me cringes and shakes head]
- Goldmember: Yesh, shalty. Yesh, that was good.
- Austin Powers: You're insane, Goldmember.
- Goldmember: And that's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it.
- [mutters]
- Goldmember: KC and the Sunshine Band.
- Goldmember: I love gold! The look of it! The smell of it! The taste of it! The texture! I love gold so much that I lost my genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident. Hence the name... Goldmember.
- Austin Powers: Listen, dad, if you are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls, then at least speak English.
- Nigel Powers: All right, my son. I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China.
- [I was about to make love to this pretty girl]
- Austin Powers: Are you telling a bunch of pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur?
- [Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?]
- Nigel Powers: What, billy no mates?
- [What, alone?]
- Austin Powers: Too right, youth.
- [Indeed]
- Nigel Powers: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint?
- [Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?]
- Austin Powers: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens!
- [the insane one?]
- Nigel Powers: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears!
- [She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs]
- Austin Powers: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and...
- [a lawyer who became a policeman in a truck]
- Austin Powers: [complete gibberish]
- [?]
- Austin Powers: ...
- Austin Powers, Nigel Powers: --tea kettle!
- Nigel Powers: And then, and then...
- Austin Powers, Nigel Powers: She shat on a turtle!
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