2DTV (2001–2004)

Jon Culshaw: Alex Ferguson, Angus Deayton, Anthony McPartlin, Bill Gates, Chris Eubank, David Beckham, Former President George H.W. Bush, Gareth Gates, George Michael, Guy Ritchie, Iain Duncan Smith, Ian Hislop, Jack Straw, John Major, Johnny Vegas, Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen, Liam Gallagher, Michael Jackson, Michael Owen, Ozzy Osbourne, Paul Merton, President George W Bush, Prime Minister Tony Blair, Prince Charles, Richard Madeley, Rolf Harris, Roy Keane, Steve Irwin, Sven-Göran Eriksson, Trevor McDonald, Uri Geller, William Hague

Quotes 

• George W. Bush : I'm wonder woman. I'll deflect bullets with my arm bands. Shoot me general.

  General : Don't tempt me Mr. President.

• General : Schwarzenegger.

  George W. Bush : Shoreenagore.

  General : No, Schwarzenegger.

  George W. Bush : Mr. Shcwanangor.

  General : (sighs)

  [Arnold Schwarzenegger enters] 

  General : Mr President, Governer Schwarzenegger.

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : Hey, check it out

  [pats Bush's head] 

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : I'm patting Bush.

  George W. Bush : Mr Schwalanalananger.

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : Hey, now I'm stroking Bush.

  [both snigger] 

  General : May God have mercy on us all.

• [it is far into the future] 

  Tony Blair : Uh, so guys, any signs of the weapons of mass destruction yet?

  [awkward pause] 

• George W. Bush : My daddy started the gulf war. I continued it. And now, my son, George Junior Junior will finish it. In about forty years time.

• [Tony Blair is playing "Tony Says" with the Cabinet] 

  Tony Blair : Oh, I'm bored of this game. I'm resigning, take over Gordon!

  Gordon Brown : Oh, right, absolutely!

  [to Cabinet] 

  Gordon Brown : Look here...

  Tony Blair : I didn't say "Tony says" Gordon.

  Gordon Brown : Oh...

  [cries] 

• Announcer : The ITV news at 10 with Ant and Dec.

  Anthony McPartlin : ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.

  Anthony McPartlin : Bongo-roony!

  Anthony McPartlin : Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?

  Declan Donnelly : [Dec slaps Ant on the head]  Slapa-rooney!

  Anthony McPartlin : And former news caster evicted by phone vote.

  Trevor McDonald : [Trevor McDonald is in an alleyway]  News just in, I'm hungary and homeless!

  Declan Donnelly : Tramper-rooney!

  Anthony McPartlin : And now the weather.

  Declan Donnelly : And now the weather.

  Siân Lloyd : Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales, goodnight.

• Tony Blair : [sounding like John Major]  More Sleaze, people will start thinking we're the same as the last Goverment!

  David Blunkett : [sounding like Michael Portillo]  That is a ridiculous, outrageous, apprehensive suggestion!

  John Prescott : [sounding like Ken Clarke]  That's absolutely ludicrous!

  David Blunkett's Guide Dog : [souding like Humphrey The Cat]  Meeoww!

  Jack Straw : [sounding like Douglas Hurd]  Were completely Different!

  Tony Blair : [sounding like John Major]  We need to get back to basic, I want to set up a Sleaze hotline!

  Gordon Brown : [sounding like Edwina Currie]  Oh No! What we need is a change of leadership!

  David Blunkett's Guide Dog : Hisss

  [Everybody looks shocked]