- [after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]
- George Lopez: From now on, we're homeschooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
- [Carmen enters the kitchen in frustration]
- Carmen Lopez: Hahhhh.
- George Lopez: Carmen, it's OK, you're beautiful on the inside, they all don't hate you, you'll find something you're good at, there'll be other boys, you probably need some time alone, see you tomorrow morning honey.
- Carmen Lopez: Dad, I went to, like, 15 stores at the mall. Nobody wants to give me a job.
- George Lopez: Since when are you looking for a job?
- Carmen Lopez: Well, I just got my learner's permit so I'm trying to save up for a car.
- George Lopez: My baby's growing up.
- [kisses her head]
- George Lopez: Seems like just yesterday you were my little girl on the tricycle. Now you're gonna be a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on the tricycle.
- Angie Lopez: You think your only contribution to this family is a paycheck?
- George Lopez: That's my job in this family, Angie. When I was a kid my mom always complained about how there wasn't a man around to help her with the bills. Look, a man isn't a man unless he's a provider. I'm a hunter! I'm a provider!
- Angie Lopez: A hunter? You can't even give the dog eye-drops!
- George Lopez: If he looked away I could.
- Drive-Thru clown head: How can I hell you?... You like a fren frie?... One minute plee... Que es fountain drink? A soda? Why you no say soda, stupid?
- [having a father-daughter talk while driving]
- Carmen: Where are we going?
- George: I just want to talk. And the first thing I want to say is I should've punished Max a lot more than I did.
- Carmen: [sarcastically] Well, I should call the newspaper. "George Lopez Admits When He's Wrong."
- George: [murmuring] Be the adult, be the adult.
- George: OK, look, maybe I went easier on Max because I know why he peeped. I was a boy. I get that. I don't get you anymore. I did when you were a little girl 'cause you were just like a little boy except you never got caught on your zipper.
- Carmen: Well, I'm not a little boy or a little girl anymore. I'd like a little privacy. And I'd like some respect.
- George: That's fair.
- Carmen: And I'd like my feelings listened to.
- George: Ooh, that's a tough one.
- Carmen: Why?
- George: Because everything's a crisis with you. There are no small problems.
- George: I'm on overload, Carmen. I mean, I thought teenagers were supposed to lock themselves in their rooms and never talk to their parents. I was kinda looking forward to that.
- Carmen: Well, I'm sorry I tell you all my problems.
- George: No, you shouldn't be. I have to get better at this.
- George: Look, I promise to start listening to your feelings if you promise not to have so MANY of them.
- Carmen: Deal.
- George: And don't ever think I love Max more than I love you. 'Cause that's not right.
- Carmen: [voice breaking] OK.
- George: Why are you crying?
- Carmen: I'm happy.
- George: [voice breaking] I got you this cellphone to make up for everything. Stop crying.
- Carmen: [crying] Oh my god. It's a cellphone!
- [hugs George]
- Carmen: [to the car beside him at the light]
- George: [crying] Hey, what are you looking at? We're feeling in here!
- George: Go, man! The light's green.
- Max Lopez: [Veronica claims she smoked a "fatty"] What's a fatty?
- George Lopez: One of Ernie's girlfriends. Now go to bed!
- Veronica Palmero: [after being caught shoplifting] You only gave me $40 to live on. How else am I supposed to get nice things?
- George Lopez: Get a damn job!
- Veronica Palmero: You're just jealous because you're poor.
- George Lopez: [to Angie] Oh, no she didn't!
- George Lopez: [Benny falls asleep from being drunk] Okay, hear me out. We have eight hours 'til she comes to. We can get her deep into Mexico. We'll put her in a Pikachu costume. We'll leave her with a stick and a note that says: "Beat me. I have candy inside."
- George Lopez: [answering phone] Powers Brothers Aviation. May I help you?
- [to Marisol]
- George Lopez: It's for you.
- Marisol: Hello? Hey, Junior. Nah, that's that fool I was telling you about. No, it's OK. I could talk. I know, huh! I know, huh! I know, huh!
- [George hangs up the phone]
- Marisol: Hey, that wasn't cool!
- George Lopez: I know, huh!
- George Lopez: [to Veronica] How could you shoplift sexy underwear that are Angie's size?
- [to Angie]
- George Lopez: Keep these.
- George Lopez: [trying to protect Max from Internet stalkers] Only I know the secret password.
- Max Lopez: Is it "Whapah"?
- George Lopez: Not anymore.
- George Lopez: I can be Italian.
- [starts dancing]
- George Lopez: Da dada dada dada dada. Try the cannolis. Forget about it. I know a guy. Watcha. Bada Bing! Hoooe!
- Linda Lorenzo: That's a stereotype.
- George Lopez: You're Mexican; what do you care?
- Carmen Lopez: Dad, do we have bubbly water?
- George Lopez: Yeah, it's called beer and you can't have any!
- [George moved in with Ernie after an argument with Angie]
- Benny: You have fun spooning Ernie?
- George Lopez: At least I can keep a man in my bed.
- George Lopez: Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!
- George Lopez: Carmen, we need to talk. Come on, let's go for a ride.
- Carmen Lopez: [suspiciously] Am I coming back?
- George Lopez: As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
- George Lopez: We're gonna start with a different game tonight. It's called "Bombshells." In the suburbs, it's called "You might wanna sit down for this. It's a shocker." In the hood, it's called "Oh, no, you didn't!"
- George Lopez: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years?
- Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people.
- George Lopez: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!
- George Lopez: Hey, how was church?
- Angie Lopez: Fine. Father Rick called you "one of the angels among us" 'cause you're donating a kidney to your dad.
- George Lopez: I like that. Y'know Angie, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.
- Carmen Lopez: Hey, I'm gonna be a good driver, but I really need my own car.
- George Lopez: Y'know, look, if you really want a car that bad I could help you find a job.
- Carmen Lopez: Really? Where? Please tell me it's the record store, the clothing store. Oh my god, is it a receptionist at a male modeling agency?
- [mockingly]
- George Lopez: Well, I could make a phone call. Y'know after I stopped modeling, I did keep up my contacts.
- [primping in a mirror]
- George Lopez: And Travis so owes me.
- Carmen Lopez: Dad.
- [her father in a primping zone]
- Carmen Lopez: Daaaad.
- George Lopez: Huh?
- Carmen Lopez: Where's the job?
- George Lopez: I'll talk to Mr. Carillo.
- Carmen Lopez: Mr.--No! Not Mr. Carillo! I don't wanna work in some crappy dive folding burritos!
- George Lopez: Hey, I worked there all through high school, OK? You'd be lucky to have a boss like Mr. Carillo.
- Carmen Lopez: What if one of my friends see me working there?
- George Lopez: Hey, it'd be less embarrassing than being a senior and rollerskating to all the parties.
- Carmen Lopez: OK, I'll do it.
- [when their daughter is late coming home from school]
- George Lopez: OK, I'm here. Have you found Carmen yet?
- Angie Lopez: No, And I'm worried sick. It's her first day at a new school, and she should've been home an hour ago.
- George Lopez: Come on, it's an hour. She's got no money. She's got no friends. She's probably walking around the mall crying.
- Carmen Lopez: You said we're not allowed to watch TV.
- George Lopez: Well, this is different. This is for Jason's baseball career.
- Carmen Lopez: Well, what if there was something about poetry on TV and I wanted to watch it?
- George Lopez: We watch something about poetry on TV every year. It's called How The Grinch Stole Christmas.
- Carmen Lopez: What?
- George Lopez: It rhymes.
- Jason: I like the dog with the antlers.
- George Lopez: I know. It's classic.
- George Lopez: I don't wanna be the bigger person! I wanna be small and mean... like a scorpion. I'll be like that...
- [imitates a scorpion waving its pincers]
- George Lopez: Then I get you all distracted by my pincers. Oh, but you forgot about my tail. Whapah!
- [bends forward]
- Angie Lopez: ...when you sting her, your tail's gonna fall off and you'll die.
- George Lopez: That's bees. You don't know nothin'. I win.
- George Lopez: I decided not to introduce her to my mom.
- Angie Lopez: So, you're already treating your sister better than you treated your wife! Gah!
- Brooke: So, this is the first wedding you've ever planned?
- George Lopez: Yeah, and you're wearing a white dress, so we both stretched the truth a little.
- Ernie: [to Brooke, George's wedding client, in a queer-like voice] Hi, I'm Len. I'm the chunky assistant, and I'll be doing your fitting. Oh, and don't worry if you get naked 'cause I'm gay!
- George Lopez: Beat it, Rosie O'Donnell.
- Angie Lopez: [to Max] Remember Sammy the Skater, the little penguin with the little helmet?
- [singing a jolly jingle]
- Angie Lopez: You can still be rad when you wear your helmet and your elbow pads.
- George Lopez: You know what else Sammy the Skater sings, Angie?
- [sings a song to the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel]
- George Lopez: Shut up, shut up, you're makin' it worse. Now, meet me in the kitchen.
- Angie Lopez: [Viewing Benny's breast implants] So, you think those are what men really want?
- Benny: Why don't you ask your dad? He hasn't taken his eyes off them since he got here.
- Vic Palermo: I'm only viewing them as a doctor.
- Benny: And what is the good doctor's opinion?
- Vic Palermo: Oh, they're yummy!
- Angie Lopez: Daddy!
- George Lopez: [showing off his grill] Rotisserie attachment. Do I need it? No. Do I use it? No. Happy I got it? You bet your ass.
- Junior: Don't mess with me, homes.
- George Lopez: Homes? Look, it's Casper the Friendly Chicano. What are you, brother, besides confused?
- George Lopez: Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.
- George Lopez: When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
- Daunte Culpepper: Central Florida has already offered Jason a full ride.
- George Lopez: A full ride. Now we're talkin'. We're talking about convertible with 20-inch rims, and speakers so loud that fat people jiggle when you drive by.
- Walter: [to Angie, dressed as a sexy nurse] Excuse me, nurse. I'm ready for my sponge bath.
- George Lopez: Keep it in your pants, Orville Redenbacher.
- George Lopez: At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
- Angie Lopez: If you wanted people to think you had a girlfriend, wouldn't you want to take her out and show her off?
- Ernie: Hey, I don't know how gay men think!
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