Words cannot convey how horrible this movie is. Imagine a student film, shot for no money, with a boring story, where no one who can act, where every scene has terrible lighting and there's no continuity in the editing. Now, add retarded jokes about pissing in your pants, not wiping your ass, and being sexually assaulted on the subway, but make sure to not give them the possibility of being funny in a gross-out kind of way. Start with a superfluous intro about random people meeting to tell the story of "Juan Bago", include paper-thin characters, and actors who make soft-core skinemax performers look like Oscar winners. Then, make it two hours long.

I purchased this for 5 dollars on Verizon ON-Demand, because the logline looked interesting. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE. I have no idea how something this shoddy and unprofessional got put on a major distribution network, but it did, and I suffered the consequences, so that you might not have to.

I have been going to film festivals and watching movies for forty years. This is the single worst film I have ever seen. Even with the sheer extent of its artlessness, there's nothing entertaining about it. You can't laugh at it in a Ed Wood kind of way. It's not kitschy, or funny, in its badness. It's just bad. You can only sit there, writhing in agony, waiting for this sophomoric nightmare to end.

Also, the two reviews above me are clearly fake. They read like promo materials.

If you were to give a pack of bonobo monkeys a video camera, and they spent two hours flinging poo at the lens while jerking each other off, you would still have a better movie than Juan Bago. You could at least show it on the discovery channel.

A list of movies I would recommend before seeing "Juan Bago"

Planet 9 from Outer Space, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, the movie my cousin with Down Syndrome made about his stuffed tiger on his Gameboy camera when he was five, and The Collected Works of Uwe Boll.