Arthur Christmas (2011)
Hugh Laurie: Steve
Photos
Quotes
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Arthur : [after seeing that Gift 47785BXK for Gwen Hines was undelivered] A child's been missed!
Steve : Not Necessarily.
Arthur : [the digital L.E.D display above the mainframe computer in Mission Control that displays the number of presents lights up and shows 0000000001 in red] A child's been missed!
Steve : Do you wanna wake up the whole North Pole?
Arthur : Good Idea.
[Yelling]
Arthur : A CHILD'S BEEN MISSED!
Steve : Arthur!
Santa : [Overhearing the commotion in Mission Control, opens the doors and walks onto the main concourse] Is everything alright?
Steve : There has been a glitch!
Arthur : [Showing Santa the undelivered present] "A glitch"? We've missed a child!
Santa : Really? Dear, oh dear. That's awful. How did you let it happen, Steven?
Steve : How did I...? I thought it was your mission.
Santa : No. This is your department.
Arthur : What are we gonna do?
Santa : We must... um... we must... . What must we do, Steven?
Steve : There's nothing to do The mission was a success.
Arthur : But we can't leave a child out of Christmas.
Steve : [Checking out details on the computer of the destination and the time of sunrise] Sunrise at destination is 7:39 AM! There's no way to get there in time. Except, of course, for the S-1.
Santa : The S-1. Right-o.
Steve : No! The S-1 has just traveled seven million miles. We could damage it.
Santa : Oh, dear.
Steve : And risk the lives of the elves.
Santa : Oh, my. No.
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Steve : This is Germany, Father. Drive on the right. National dish: sausage.
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Steve : [Steve gets back onto the S-1 after having a fight with Spanish Pedro in Trelew, Mexico over the bicycle] Okay, so I'm not great with children. Does that make me a bad Santa?
Steve : [Faces Santa and keys in 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew into the S-1's GPS to see it it would come up with a list] You're hardly perfect. Let me guess. You put in the address, you saw a list of Trelews, and just clicked on the first one? You're just like Arthur.
Santa : [Looks at Steve] Am I?
S-1 Computer : [the phone on the S-1's Bridge rings] North Pole incoming.
Elf : [Steve, Santa, and Mrs. Santa look at the S-1's videophone and see Arthur cycling across Trelew, England riding to Gwen's on her Twinkle Bike] Sir, the soldiers have shot the sleigh. But, sir. It's Arthur. He's still going.
Santa : Arthur?
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Steve : Okay, let's show them, people! Operation Santa Claus is coming to town!
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Steve : [Steve gets a phone call on his HOHO, waking him up] Hello? What elf?
Peter : Bryony Shelfley, sir. The crazy wrapping elf, you know? Security tracked her to Sector 19. And we think Arthur was here.
Steve : Arthur?
Peter : Who else leaves the door open, huh, sir?
Steve : The old sleigh barn? That was sealed up decades ago after that terrible night Grandsanta sneaked out and... . Thank goodness he's too old these days to get into trouble.
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Santa : [Trying to operate the S-1 himself, denting it and jolting it violently, while flashing red lights flash all over the S-1's bridge] I, um... 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew.
Mrs. Santa : [Reading the manual] Reading up. There's no harm in using a manual. Men.
Santa : [Agitated, pressing buttons, levers, and knobs all over the bridge causing the S-1 to rock and sway violently] Margaret, I order you to disembark. It's not safe. Unh!
Mrs. Santa : [Trying to calm Santa] Piffle. I did a microlight flying course on the internet. It can't be that different.
Santa : [Steve appears at the doors to the bridge] Oh! Steve.
Steve : [Santa accidentally leans on a lever and the S-1 jolts more violently] You've dented it! You take it out without asking?
Mrs. Santa : [Stabilizes the S-1] Malcolm, you told me he knew. You know how Steve feels about his S-1.
Santa : [Presses more buttons and levers causing it to rock and sway even more violently] It's MY S-1. S for "Santa". I'm flying to this child.
Steve : Of course she's all that matters. Not me, your son. Not the two billion things I did right tonight. No!
Santa : This is about the pool table, isn't it? I told you, you should've written to me.
Steve : [shouting] I was eight. You're my dad!
Mrs. Santa : [shouting] For goodness sake!
Mrs. Santa : [Slams her cup down on the controls] Arthur and Grandsanta are out there probably not wearing nearly enough layers and you two are bickering over a big red toy?
Santa : I'm... I'm not bickering. If Steven could just stand back.
[Activates the airbag]
Santa : Ooh!
S-1 Computer : [Airbag inflates] Air bag.
Santa : You drive, Steven.
Steve : Thank you.
[Puts on his gloves and fires up the S-1]
Steve : So since gift delivery to child 47785BXK is all that seems to matter, I'll do it myself. Then we'll pick up Arthur and Grandsanta from whatever ditch they've ended up in.
S-1 Computer : [Steve pulls the main lever on the S-1 to go at full throttle] Maximum thrust.
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Santa : [Santa, Mrs Santa, and Steve have arrived in Trelew, Mexico on the S-1] Out with the old, in with the new.
Mrs. Santa : [Holding Santa's Hand] Well done, dear.
Santa : [Back on the Bridge of the S-1 as Steve has gone to give Gwen what is believed to be another version of the bike] Poor Arthur. He tried so hard. He's flunked again.
Mrs. Santa : Of course he hasn't, dear. We're here. The little girl will get her present. I think he's done rather splendidly.
Santa : [Exclaiming] My Margaret.
Steve : [Rings the doorbell, the door opens and a child that looks just like Gwen appears] Good morning, Gwen. Ho, ho, et cetera. Apologies for the minor delay. I'm sure that even a child can understand that in a operation as complex as Christmas, there's always an insignificant margin of error, which is you. As a gesture, I've upgraded you to the...
Steve : [Reveals the big purple hi-tech bicycle]
Steve : ...Glamorfast Ultra X-3, which retails at 9.99 more than your requested gift. Bigger ergo better. If you wouldn't mind just signing a legal waver?
Pedro : [the child appears to be a boy] No le entiendo señor! Soy Pedro!
[I don't understand sir? I am Pedro]
Steve : P-Pedro? A boy?
Pedro : ¿Quien es usted?
[Who are you?]
Steve : A Spanish boy? This is an error. No hablo Español.
[I don't speak Spanish]
Steve : [Snatches the bike off Pedro] Now get off the bike.
Steve : [Pedro and Steve start fighting, Pedro starts weeping and wailing in a tantrum, Mr. and Mrs. Santa back up on the S-1's bridge can see the commotion on the S-1's Steve-cam] Will you get...? No, no, no. Please don't cry. No cry-o. No, uh, "sob-idad". Uh... .
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Arthur : [Passing through the operational area after the quarrel at the dinner table that broke out during the session of "Christmas, The Board Game"] Steve! Whoa! Unh! Steve. Don't be upset. Look. You keep this. Then you can be Santa next time.
Arthur : [Steve takes the silver Santa Claus game piece from the game and holds it] That'll be you there, Steve. Next year, I bet.
[Referring to the wall filled with portraits of past Santas]
Arthur : You'll be great.
Steve : [Looks at Arthur then looks down the hall to find that Arthur left all the doors open] How many times, Arthur? It's the North Pole. Shut the doors.
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Grandsanta : [to Steve] Christmas has gone right down the rodney hole. You're a postman with a spaceship.
Steve : [to Grandsanta] My S-1 festivized the world at 1,860 times the speed of sound.
Grandsanta : Christmas 1941, World War II, I did the whole thing with six reindeer and a drunken elf!
[Grandsanta turns to Arthur]
Grandsanta : I was shot at, Arthur. Took twelve direct hits. Lost three reindeer.
Arthur : What happened to the elf?
Grandsanta : Fell out of the sleigh over Lake Geneva. Never saw him again.
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Arthur : [Having Christmas dinner with the family around the dinner table at the North Pole's Residential Quarters] What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?... Tinselitis!
[laughs hysterically]
Arthur : Isn't this the best bit of Christmas?
Mrs. Santa : It certainly is, Arthur. The whole family together.
Mrs. Santa : [to Santa] How about a toast, Malcolm?
Santa : Oh! Um... . Well, uh, here's to me doing an even better job next year.
[Everybody cheers]
Arthur : But you're already perfect, Dad.
Grandsanta : Hah! That turkey did more than him.
[Starts laughing and looses his false teeth, which land in the gravy bowl]
Santa : You wouldn't understand, Father. I've rather moved things on since your day. Eh, Steve?
Grandsanta : [Gets his false teeth back and continues eating his meal] Forget Techno Tommy. He's texting on his calculator after another job.
[laughs]
Steve : [Clearing out his inbox on his HOHO] It's a Handheld Operational and Homing Organizer. The HOHO 3000. I'm enacting mission closure.
Grandsanta : Whooooh! Whoopee-doo. Aren't you the fancy nancy? Don't matter what you come up with, son. You maybe be the next in line, but you'll never get to be Santa unless you knock him off.
[Referring to Santa]
Arthur : Um, I've got you all a present After all the hard work, I wanted everyone to have some Christmas fun.
Arthur : [Shows everyone the game "Christmas The Board Game"] Ta-da!
