Barack Obama: I often joke about tensions between me and the press but honestly what they say doesn't bother me I understand we have an adverbial system I'm a mellow sort of guy and that's why I invited "Luther", my anger translator to join us here tonight.
Luther: Hold on to your lily white butts
Barack Obama: In our fast changing world traditions like the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner are important.
Luther: I mean really, WHAT IS THIS DINNER? And why am I required to come to it? Jeb bush, do you really want to do this?
Barack Obama: Because despite our differences we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day.
Luther: And we can count on Fox News to terrify all white people with some nonsense.
Barack Obama: We won't always see eye to eye...
Luther: Oh and CNN thank you so much for the wall to wall Ebola coverage. For two whole weeks we were one step away from The Walking Dead, and we just got up and moved onto the next day, that was awesome, oh and by the way we don't have the Ebola virus.
Barack Obama: But I still appreciate the work you do...
Luther: You all remember when we had that big hole at the bottom of The Gulf of Mexico? And then I plugged it? Remember that? Which "Obama's Katrina" was that one? Was that 19? Or 20? I can't remember.
Barack Obama: Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example, The Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz was just "exercising free speech."
Luther: [Sarcastically] Yeah it's the kind of the speech like this: I just wasted six million dollars.
Barack Obama: And it's not just Republicans, Hilary will have to raise huge sums of money too.
Luther: Oh yeah, she's going to get that money. She's going to get all that money!
Barack Obama: Don't stop focusing on billionaire donors creates more problems for our democracy.
Luther: And that's why we're running for a third term
Barack Obama: No we're not
Luther: WHO THE HELL SAID THAT?
Barack Obama: But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges like climate change.
Luther: If you haven't noticed, California is bone dry.It looked like the trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there. You all think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wanted to talk to Chuck Todd? He needed a glass a water.
Barack Obama: The science is clear nine out of the ten hottest years came in the last decade.
Luther: I'm not a scientist but I do know how to count to ten.
Barack Obama: Rising seas or violent storms...
Luther: You've got mosquitoes, sweaty people on the train stinking it up is just nasty.
Barack Obama: I mean look at what's happening right now every serious scientist says we need to act. The Pentagon says it's a national security risk, I mean floods on a sunny day, instead of doing anything about it we've got elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate...
