FREE

BRUSSELS!

DON‘T
BELIEVE
THE
HYPE
 WE COULDN’T FIND ANY DECENT PARTIES, SO WE MADE OUR OWN
WE COULDN’T FIND ANY DECENT SHORT FILMS, SO WE MADE OUR OWN
WE COULDN’T FIND ANY DECENT FREE MAGAZINES, SO WE MADE OUR OWN
WE COULDN‘T FIND ANY DECENT FESTIVALS, SO WE MADE OUR OWN

FUCK YOU BRUSSELS!

LIES, DAMN LIES & E-MAILS
5

DEATH OF A MASKOT
8

ICE ICE BABY

19

BLACK FAG?
25

SKWEEE MY TITS
29

QUICK, QUICK, SLOW

33

BAD INC.
39

AUTISTIC PORN
43

PLUS MUCH, MUCH MORE...

 PUNK‘D
DAFT PUNK...

3
We didn’t go to any festivals this year, so we
made our own.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to making your

own Festival in 4 days, with no budget and
no organisational skills whatsoever.
LIES, DAMN LIES & EMAILS
1.Call everyone you know that’s in a band
or who DJ’s and see who fancies playing.

2.Suggest that there is a big name headli-

ning.

3.Find and borrow a stage from your local

pub.

4.Create and event on Facebook and note

the secret special guests record label.

5.Create an alias Gmail account and

write to a bunch of press, media companies
and industry people, leaking the informati-
on about your secret special guest.

6.Beg, borrow and steal any or all the musi-

cal equipment needed (remember this must
be good quality or you could be running
around all day trying to fix over-heated
amps & mics).

7.Invent a semi-plausible reason why such

a huge headlining act would be playing at a
tiny festival, for example:

“Moe used to work for MTV, and through

one of his contacts there he managed to get
in contact with Daft Punk. Who happen to
be in Brussels filming a new project, and as
a favour, they have offered to play a 20-mi-
nute DJ set. I can’t believe it myself!”

8.Slowly leak the name of the headlining

act to friends that you know will spread the
story like wildfire but ask them to keep it
top secret.

9.Announce the name of your faux headli-

ning act and wait for the response.

10.Spend an evening with a renowned Bel-

gian music producer & DJ remixing snip-
pets of hilarity into your chosen act’s ear-
lier work.

11.Announce on the day, that if anyone who

just turns up for the headlining act and not
the great bands and DJs during the day,
can fuck off!

12.Find a matching pair of motorcycle hel-

mets and leather jackets.

13.Get a friend to build a pyramid stage and

release a lot of smoke.

14.Feel the force of beer cans and bottles

bouncing off your head for at least 20 mi-
nutes.

15.Hide!
ng too much dinero...
7
DEATH OF A MASKOT
9
11
13
 GETTING PROMOTED FROM MASCOT
Last Sunday afternoon I met up with Ed in one of our -edia Britannica or a regular dictionary for that matter:
favourite bars in Brussels for a couple of drinks. It had “a columnist is a journalist who writes for publication in
been a while since I’d seen him, so after a little chat a series, creating copy that can sometimes be strongly
about personal stuff and the latest gossips plus which opinionated.” Further, the definition of ‘column’ can be
rumours we could send to the world (just kidding on read: “A regular feature […] that reports or comments
that last one…), our conversation turned naturally to upon a particular field of interest, as politics […], etc.”
our projects. It’s at that point that Ed said to me: Don’t get me wrong, by no means am I claiming to be a
“Your mascot days are over…” journalist whatsoever.
“Ha, what do you mean?” I sez. All of this is just to get me to this one point – one that Ed
“Yeah, we’ve got someone else for that because you did also assured me:
such a lame job – but no, we’re promoting you to hu- I get to write about anything I want and how I want it:
man…” “promoting me to what?” I asked, fearing the voluntary misspellings, odd punctuations, southern US
worst as you never know with these guys… “We’re pro- slang, … I can do ANYTHING:
moting you to columnist.” he answers dryly. Columnist? I get to whine about the sucky Belgian weather or get to
Sweeeet! bitch about how dirty this fucking city is – and trust me
So, good luck new mascot! I hope you’ll be able to endu- I could write a shitload about that and probably will do -
re the wild parties and all. On top of that, here’s some or even make up a fantasy story about your girl or boy-
guidelines for your new job: shut up, take the drugs they friend getting it up the ass from your neighbour’s dog.
want you to test, wear what they say, be at their side Yes, you just read right: I can even go the obscene way
as much as possible (and if you’re not there, be sure to and use swear words like cunt, motherfucker, (or bet-
have your cell phone on during the night in case they ter still make up words) antiestablishmentarianism,
call you), get them their drinks and whatever they ask poo, hippie, …
you. Basically: do what they say. I even get to play with fonts and mix obscene and swea-
I rarely did any of the aforementioned, but that’s why ring like this:
they fired me.

UCK B
Enough already about the new mascot and back to me,
shall we? This is, after all, my column. Now this doesn’t
mean it has to be about me but, it does come close.
F YOU RUSS ELS
See/read for yourself: I looked up the word columnist on
Now, that’s what I call a promotion.
Wikipedia – yeah, sorry, but I don’t have the Encyclopa- C-V
DAY DO DOH DON’T DEE DOH
We don’t do DO’s & DON’Ts but if
we did, then this guy would sure-
ly be the king of the DO’s. Now, I
don’t like ripping off Vice, even
though we do love it, (sorry Sha-
ne) but while we were snapping
people researching for fashion
articles, trends etc, we came ac-
ross this guy, and we couldn’t
help ourselves.

Before receiving his official

Shushuni name, Snoop Dog was
known to the tribe simply as
‘dances with gangsters’.
 ICE ICE BABY
The new accessory to your personal entity
is a kid. Fuck Ray Bans, fuck white pants,
fuck tattoos, fuck pink polos, fuck stret-
chers, fuck dreadlocks, fuck expensive
shoes, fuck bank accounts, fuck Mercedes,
fuck nasty diseases, fuck designer drugs,
fuck attitude and fuck guitars: the new
must-have is a newborn, from Iceland.

Everybody knows that being cool is about

accessorising. And to do this properly, peo-
ple tend to look at what famous people are
doing. Well, the rich and the famous are
having kids: it’s not about the bling bling
around their necks any longer, it’s the little
boy glued to the hand of ‘daddy’.

Don’t just have a kid though; everyone’s

done that part of it. Create new life in Ice-
land. It’s quite easy: catch a flight, bang a
teen, walk away and enjoy the acquired sta-
tus that comes along with it. Why Iceland?
Because it’s cool and nobody wants to fuck
British teens anymore: it’s as boring as it is
a cliché. Icelandic girls are as promiscuous
as the British but are way cuter and don’t
give you shit after your magic juice starts
creating life in their belly. It’s a common fact
that Icey girls tend to be very pretty at the
age of 16. Then they start having babies and
lose their hot finesse. But nothing to worry
about: you can simply impregnate her and
then run off, because Iceland is an isolated
piece of land, far away from civilisation and
on top of that, those girls don’t mind having
a kid. Really, I heard stories about girls not
knowing who the father is and the parents
and the pregnant teen are still quite happy
about it and throw a party for the upcoming
child. So don’t be worried about legal pro-
blems, alimony or other sorts of shit when
you impregnate an Icelandic teen: it’s a free
ride one should take.

Nowadays, famous people have babies.

Look at Madonna, Angelina Jolie, or even
Christian Ronaldo, the super well-paid Ca-
sanova football player: even he is having a
kid. Obviously it is the cool thing to do but
sadly also a lot of trouble. Buying a baby in
Africa costs a shitload of money and there
are a bunch of papers you have to fill in.
Those Africans can even sue your ass – ask
Madonna. Another option is donating mo-
ney to some kid in Senegal or whatever and
he’ll send you a letter once a month with a
crappy drawing attached to it. That’s not in-
teresting at all and again, it’s simply spen-
ding too much dinero...

19
21
Of course you can have a relationship with a woman just drive around the village and get drunk by home-
in Belgium, fall in love and then decide to have a kid brewed Moonshine drinks, so chances are pretty big
with her but that’s obviously one of the sickest ideas you’ll be screwing your teenage blonde beauty queen
ever. The best way is to make the kid yourself, but far at the backseat of a car. Pretty rock ‘n’ roll, right?
far away so the mother can’t find you. That’s where Another thing: it’s totally illegal in Iceland to give
Iceland kicks in. It’s a cheap trip and no bullshit af- the kid a name that’s not Icelandic. So your baby boy
terwards. will have a cool and unpro-
If you fly with Iceland nounceable name. It’ll add
Air, you can get there for to the coolness. So no Paul
just 205 Euros. That’s or John or Suzanne carry-
the smallest amount you ing your genes, no, make
spent on hookers anyway. it Angantỳr, Arinbjörn or
From Amsterdam airport, Runólfur.
it’ll take you about an To convince you, we went
hour. looking for some Belgian
During the trip you can rockers who already have
also enjoy the famous and a child in the Land Of Fire
very beautiful Icelandic And Ice (that’s Iceland
snowy landscapes. Gre- you moron). They went
gorio Ramirez Batista, a back and made a family
renowned half-Spanish portrait because as I said,
half-Icelandic artist, once it’s about accessorising,
made a staggering drawing of the extraordinary and you won’t be fucking walking around with your
beauty of this country’s landscapes. I’m pretty sure daughter, so you best have a picture of her – and its
it’ll convince you (Ice-scape, 1988, G. Ramirez Batis- mum. In Antwerp, a new trend has already started:
ta, courtesy of Icelandic Museum of Modern Art). people stick the family picture on their hip cotton bag.
If nature is not your thing, then how about this: the The more Icelandic kids you have, the more photos
country has practically no bars and no parties, so will stick on your bag and obviously the more status
there’s very little to do. As a result, people tend to and pussy you’ll get. Join the new hype, you’ll love it.
23 R-G
 liquidoma s.a.
28 - 40 rue des bogards, 1000 bruxelles
www.liquidoma.be +32.2.511.52.69

imported deadstock * vintage  americana * big fucking knives

BLACK FAG?

For those of you who are musically retarded, Hen- The cunts at Pukkelpop wouldn’t give us any press
ry Rollins is the founder of Hardcore Punk. The lead passes, and to be honest, I didn’t trust Pieter not to
singer of Black Flag whose Damaged album was up get into a nerdy discussion about the downfall of SST
there in Rolling Stone magazine’s top 500 albums of records, or the importance of rock dots for Husker
all time: a poet, writer, comedian, producer, activist, Du. Or worse still, knob settings on amps from an
publisher… Wait, that’s bollocks! If you don’t alrea- unreleased track back in 82’ (rockstar on rockstar
dy know this, then stop reading, roll up the magazine interviews can go that way). What a nightmare! Oh,
and beat yourself to death with it! and by the way FUCK YOU Pukkelpop and your fat
Our previous music editor almost shit herself when cat, major label, clique. You can shove your Press
we asked her to interview Henry Rollins at this year’s Pass and your generic “Unfortunately we…” & ”Kind
Pukkelpop and said that maybe Pieter from Kapitan Regards” right up yr Santigold.
Korsakov would be better to do it, as he “knew more It didn’t matter in the end, as Henry agreed to do the
about the hardcore scene”. Which roughly transla- interview through the magic of technology instead.
ted to “Pieter isn’t a total pussy and wouldn’t piss his
pants on the spot when meeting Mr Rollins, please FUB: What the fuck haven’t you done?
don’t make me do it, please, please, please”. HR: I’ve never done anything all that well...

25
... I’ve just done a lot of things pretty good to not all couple of stabbings, security getting attacked, etc. I
that good. got in some fights here and there.
FUB:Do you see yourself as a polymath? FUB: For someone who seemed so “macho”, back
HR: No. in the Black Flag days, how come championing gay
FUB: You’ve worked with some of the greatest & se- rights has become your No 1 activist activity, espe-
minal artists of all time, Tony Iommi, Iggy Pop, Glen cially as you’re straight?
Danzig, Chuck D to name a few. Who were you most HR: It’s not my number one concern at all. To me,
inspired by, most afraid of, and who if any did you homophobia resides with racism. It just makes no ra-
just want to punch in tional sense to me. I
the face? can’t imagine being
HR: I can’t remember gay. I was born
being afraid of any of straight, that’s all
them. Inspired, cer- I know. I bet that’s
tainly. I can’t think of what being gay is
any single one of them like. It’s nothing
who inspires me more. you can help and for
Perhaps being someone some reason you’re
who has been in front of “wrong” it’s insa-
a band as I have, I ap- ne to me that these
preciate the efforts of people would have
Iggy as he has hit it so a worse lot in life.
hard for so long. He is That’s all it’s ever
the heavyweight cham- been to me.
pion of rock ‘n’ roll to FUB: You’re doing a
me. spoken word gig at
FUB: We know from Pukkelpop in Has-
some of your stand-up selt, next month, but
that you always wanted what is your previ-
to out Iggy, Iggy Pop. Is ous experience with
that the reason for swit- Belgian crowds? We
ching away from music find that they are
& go full-time spoken the least enthusias-
word? Because you tic in Europe.
knew that Iggy couldn’t HR: I have had good
keep up intellectually experiences with
and therefore in some them. I don’t know
way you could still out- how many times I
perform him? have been at Pukkel-
HR: No. First off, Iggy is pop, at least three
a very intellectual per- and it’s always cool.
son and not to be unde- I am not one who re-
restimated. My reason quires much from an
for not doing music at audience. I reckon
this time is because I they showed up, it’s
can’t see what I can do up to me to do the
with it that I have not rest.
done before, but not as FUB: We at FUB
well. stick the middle fin-
FUB: Was quitting Haa- ger up at Brussels
gen-Dazs your best ca- for its lethargic me-
reer move to date? diocrity and insane
HR: It was a game chan- beaurocracy. Who
ger. I don’t know what are you saying Fuck
would have become Off to today?
of me had I not joined HR: The Republican
Black Flag. It was a good party in the United
break. States.
FUB: Which show (and FUB: Has there been
where) do you single out as the most violent that you any real, non-puppet, US presidents since JFK?
have ever played/fought? HR: Carter.
HR: There were many shows that were violent. I FUB: Are you still living a stone’s throw away from
can’t remember one that stands out. The ’84 tour of that Scientology church on Hollywood Boulevard?
England was pretty intense. There were nazi types Could you throw a rock at it for us?
throwing pint mugs and beating people up. We had HR: I live fairly close to them. I am not a fan either.
a...
FUB: We did a top five worst
religions article last month.
Which religion would you
put at number one of a
worst of all time list?
HR: Christianity. It has
killed so many.
FUB: You do a lot of talking
these days, but when the
fuck are you going to put
the Ramones / Israel / Pa-
lestine plan into action?
HR: I think that’s a pret-
ty good idea. I don’t know
how to arrange the plane
and the CDs all at once.
They say that timing is eve-
rything. That and location,
location, location.
FUB: If you were 20 to-
day, and heard the Gallows’
cover version of Nervous
Breakdown, would you fol-
low the band as a fan and
eventually push Frank
Carter out? Is he a skinnier
more ginger version of the
teenage you?
HR: I saw them once and
thought they were really
good. I don’t know much
about them.
FUB: What’s your worst se-
xual experience?
HR: I think it was in 1997,
me and this woman hit it
and it wasn’t supposed to
be, but we did it anyway out
of some strange sense of
duty. It was incredibly not
good. Henry Rollins’ Spoken word 20th August at (with gritted teeth) Pukkelpop!

In the end I was really glad that we didn’t do this interview face to face, as on the gay rights answer I would
have definitely interjected “what do you mean these people?” in a mock, black, southen accent, and probably
got punched in the face. Although, if you’re going to get your nose broken…
D-B

SANDER SAYS...
Name: Sander Meisner
Sex: Male
Birth: August 18, 1979
Hometown: Amsterdam
Special Ability: Gurning

Sander is a musical ge-

nius, whose taste we
trust. So should you! Artist: Sebastian Tellier
Each month he hands Track: Divine
down a snippet of his (Danger remix)
infinite wisdom. Album: Sexuality Remix
Label: Record Makers
27
SPELLINGMISTAKESCOSTLIVES.COM
 SKWEEE MY TITS
MEGA MAN‘S BUTT FUCKING BEYONCÉ - AND It’s more likely for there to be an Aryan geek behind
IT SOUNDS GREAT! his synth with a virgin coke & ear plugs.

Ever wondered how it would sound if N.E.R.D made One of the first skweee artists is Daniel Savio, aka
music for Nintendo back in the eighties? Picture this: Cool DJ Dust (you should check his song Monkey Pee
you’re playing Mega Man IV, your mum is shouting Monkey Poo on Youtube – it makes Kele’s Tenderloni
that dinner is being served, you’re in the last level, video look like a Kylie out take). That stuff is breath-
ready to kick some doctor X’s ass, the tension is get- taking: ultra-coloured film images of Swedish Adidas
ting high, you’re sweating, the stench of virgin mas- breakdancers with a high-pitched synth on top of it.
turbation conjures with the smell of your first de- It is pure anthropological evidence of the fact that
odorant and you’re pushing buttons at the speed of Scandinavia is way too isolated and people are losing
Steven Seagal’s rambling fists. The music is making their minds out there. They do have hot babes though.
you wild and all of a sudden you have the urgency to If you find the song title to be of absolute genius then
dance like The Pussycat Dolls. You’re shaking your also look up another song made by him, called Machi-
booty on single dimensional synth music and you’re ne Against Rage.
totally digging the funky groove of it. That’s basically
the feeling of Skweee, a new electronic music genre Other artists are: Randy Barracuda, Claws Cousteau
that confines your musical background and makes (I’m not making this up!) and Eero Johannes. The-
you wonder what Pharrel is having for dinner. se artists consistently put the word Skweee in their
song titles, for example, Barracuda’s Skweee Like A
Let me just give you a really short and easy definition Pig, or Eero’s We Could Be Skweeroes. Other song tit-
of this new musical entity: RnB music made with an les: I Can Skweee Clearly Now, Skweee Will Rock You.
old vintage synthesizer. Imagine strapping an 808,
Moog and Gameboy to Beyonce’s ass, plugging them There are two major labels up North that produce a
in, spraying the lot with champagne and shouting lot a Skweee records, mostly, if not all, just 7-inch vi-
“dance Bitch” in a Sunny Delight, tartrazine frenzy. nyl records (that’s the nerd thing popping up again).
It’s groovy, funky, very Afro-American, very catchy, That clearly indicates it’s pretty underground – still.
but all made with a squeaky synth. Hence the name.
It was created by a bunch of Scandinavian geeks in Harmönia is a Finnish label and Flogsta Danshall,
an attempt to get laid, back in 2008, and is at its hype Swedish (yes, like Ikea). Two labels that are the ori-
mainly in Finland and Sweden. The legend goes that gin of, and pretty much the entirety of this sideways
some bored Scandinavian dude wanted to make a va- music genre. However, the Skweee seed is spreading
riation on some Timbaland beats, but the curdled re- out all across the world. Poisonous Gases for instance,
sult was Skweee. I totally believe this tale. is an American Skweee label and there’s a dude in
Holland called Herr Müller, who’s making some next
Skweee is about squeeezing the most out of an old- level intergalactic Skweee beats. But my attention is
skool synth and making weird people dance on it. It’s drawn by the French Skweee label: Disques Mazout.
mostly instrumental, so don’t expect some hot black Their motto: “je pense donc je skouiii”. Clearly, they’re
babe to be singing at a Skweee party. Skweeeing on a philosophical level.
29
Here are some tips for you Skweee loving animals:
Skweee.com has all the info, from the Skweee album
coming out on RAMP recordings called Skweee Tooth,
through to Meljoan, who’s an Irish Skweee artist, but
he sucks cock so don’t listen to him.
One important thing to remember is that you’ll be
dancing on RnB, but it’s OK because it’s the instru-
mental and arty kind. Trust us!

If you can count how many times the word Skweee

was used in this article, then send the correct num-
ber to info@fuckyoubrussels.com.
R-G
 MEET THE FOUCKERS
These three brothers (one is an honorary Fouck) were so wasted it was a bit of a nightmare getting any sense
out of them. They had been the first band on that night, so fair doos. Isn’t that what rock stars are supposed
to be like anyway? We didn’t know what they really looked like, so our buddy Lam Thanh Lam (the non-Tigre
Thanh Lam Thanh ) had to point them out to us.

FUB: Can I have FOUK: We are

a sip of your not doing festi-
drink? vals this sum-
FOUCK: Sure mer because
you can. we are gonna
FUB: Who the be working on
fuck are you? the new EP. We
FOUCK: We are absolutely have
the Fouck brot- to finish it this
hers. We are summer. And
real brothers. after the EP we
FUB: We’re want to start
FUCK YOU working on our
BRUSSELS! first album.
But they FUB: People say
wouldn’t let us that your remi-
use that name xes sound like
on Facebook so Boyz Noize. Is
we had to make that a compli-
it Fook You ment or an in-
Brussels. Why sult ?
did you write FOUK: It’s very
your name like different. We’re
that? made in Belgi-
FOUCK: Fouck um. No, it’s re-
is our family ally different.
name so eve- We have other
ryone called us influences. I
the Fouck brot- can’t compare
hers. his music to our
FUB: How did music, it’s very
your show go different.
tonight? FUB: What’s
FOUCK: It was your worst se-
very good. xual experi-
FUB: We ence?
thought it was FOUK: Ooooh,
amazing, we I can’t tell you
didn’t actually that.
see it. FUB: Maybe you
FOUCK: It was should.
really good, FOUK: No, I
the feeling was can’t tell you
great. that.
FUB: Don’t you
think Belgian We swapped
crowds are too t-shirts at the
calm? Someti- end of the inter-
mes I go to great gigs to see great bands and the peo- view to prove no hard feelings, and stuck the video
ple just stand there. on our facebook account. “It’s the wrong way round
FOUCK: I think Belgian people are very out and open. Fouck!”. We hung out with them for a bit longer un-
FUB: Really? ... So what’s next for you? til we could no longer stand Fouck 1 talking about
FOUK: A new EP and we are gonna play at Fête de la how brilliant the London music scene is and apolo-
Musique and Mirano. gising for his bad English. It’s OK Fouck, we’re in
FUB: What festivals are you doing this summer? Belgium! Thanks guys! You made our night!

31
NEW COLLECTION IN STORE NOW - 24 RUE DU PAGE 1050 BRUXELLES
QUICK, QUICK, SLOW

If you’ve ever been to a bar, you’re proba-

bly familiar with the term lock-in. Usually
lock-ins are great, instead of having to go
home at the peak of your night you can keep
boozing and chasing till you collapse. What
really isn’t great about a lock-in, is if it’s at
QUICK, and you’re having to stand there
arguing with an arrogant prick who thinks
he’s God because of 5 plastic stars on his
chest denoting seniority at a fast food dump.
At this point, like me, you’re probably asking
yourself the same question: was I really ta-
ken hostage in a QUICK by the fucking ma-
nager, and why the hell am I living in a city
where that has absolutely no consequences
and there is no Burger King?

I should probably start from the beginning

though. As always, after a long night of drin-
king, nothing beats a greasy burger! My
brother and I order a “menu” but I was only
given my drink and fries and asked to wait a
minute for the burger. After about 10 minu-
tes I went to ask for it, and was told “2 more
minutes”. I went to ask a second time after
another 10 minutes, to discover the lady
who had taken my order was just walking
out of Quick in her street clothes - her shift
had ended. I had to ask for my burger again,
making it clear that I’d already waited for
more than 20 minutes… “2 minutes sir”.

After 25 minutes my coke was empty and

there were only one or two soggy, non-salted
fries left on my tray. I was so fed up I went
to the manager and demanded my money
back. He was a twat about it, but finally told
someone to get me my money. So yet again, I
was waiting, and waited another 10 minutes
for my money. Finally, I went to the manager
again and asked what the deal is, I want my
money and to get the hell out of this faux-
food dump. He called his colleague, who fi-
nally came from a back room and stretched
out a hand holding about 3 Euros in change
including 5 cent coins! I started at the ma-
nager as calm as I could “come on... Just
give me the full amount. I didn’t come here
to drink coke and eat old fries, I came here
for a burger!” At this point my rather short-
tempered brother joined the conversation.
He had stayed surprisingly calm through all
this, but when someone really starts taking
the piss… well the shit-storm gets started.
The shouting started somewhere with

GIVE US THE FUCKING MONEY,

with the reply

33
‘TU ES EN BELGIQUE, SI TU
VEUX ME PARLER TU PARLES EN
FRANCAIS’.

Of course the cliché African manager was a

first generation immigrant himself which
made it all that much more ridiculous. We
decided this was too fucked up, grabbed
the coins out of the guys hand, my brother
screamed

“CONNARD”

at the manager and we started walking to the

exit. While doing this, the manager pressed
some button, shutting the door. All hell bro-
ke loose at this point. We were screaming at
the manager to let us out, my brother was ki-
cking against the door as hard as he could,
and about 50 people who had been queuing
where now locked in with us and watching
the commotion. No one had been served for
the last 10 minutes as the staff was also wat-
ching us. After more debate he finally opened
the door and we left, hearing him say “Go cry
to your mother!”, in English…

We later called QUICK headquarters in

France to make a complaint. They were sho-
cked and said this will definitely have conse-
quences. The following day the branch lea-
der of Quick Brussels called and said he had
watched the surveillance videos, in which of
course you can’t hear anything, but instead
just see my brother kicking the door. He also
said the manager had only opened the doors
to let security in from the other exit who ar-
rived a minute after we left. They now want
to report him to the police!

Now in any other country, and especially the

USA (the inventor of fast food burger chain),
this would never have happened as Customer
Service & good reputation are at the heart of
any successful consumer service business.
Do you see Quick in the states? Do you fuck!
However when governments get involved
(i.e. banning Burger King & KFC to stop mo-
nopolies) there will always be problems, as
it leaves the public with little or no choice.
It seems that the communist approach that
they have taken on this particular issue, is
clearly not serving the public’s interest and
in fact is creating the problem they were try-
ing to solve.
Our solution, Fuck Quick Burger & Fuck You
Brussels. Let’s boycott them. Apparently,
making a statement by obligatory voting
doesn’t change anything, so writing to your
local commune/council is bound to do absolu-
tely fuck all too.
M-L
CHEESE BURQA

In response to QUICKS new halal burgers,

BK has retaliated with their own menu to
satisfy their muslim customers.

35
 BACON BURQA

We got so much shit for not bashing Islam

enough in last issues‘ BAD INC.
We hope this amends the situation. And
don‘t worry, if you‘re a Jew and feel left
out, pick up the next issue, you‘ll be ple-
asantly offended.
CHEESUS...
... fried for your sins.

Of course Christianity is
still our number one sour-
ce of amusement!

THANK GOD IT‘S FRYDAY!

T-shirts available to buy at
fuckyoubrussels.com

37
 WOULD EVERYONE STOP GETTING SHOT!
Get those annoying fucking vuvuzelas back out be- A) I accidently squished my pet turtle’s head with the
cause Brussels has a new violent trend! Our previous fridge door. 2) My brother got diagnosed with can-
articles about Street Gang violence has clearly forced cer. And C) somewhere in between A & 2, my computer
those cunts underground. Or decided to die, while I was se-
rather, switch to Amazonian arching for porn on the Inter-
tribal, sniper methods. We’re net.
talking Blowgun-Perverts. So I’m thinking “Fuck this shit-
These sneaky (male) rapists ty day” and plan the rest of
are currently wandering around in a town near you. the evening based around my couch, a cool beer and
Now we all like Cheeky Muslims, but Sneaky Rapists a pizza. However, in order to buy the beer and pizza I
really boil my piss! stroll to the cash machine in front of the station. But
Brussels is, yet again, lacking behind the rest of the no, things can’t be that easy. Suddenly I’m thrown into
world with this phenomenon (which in this case, a Guy Richie scene “personified by an ’oribble kant.”
probably isn’t a bad thing) as since 2009 blow dart AKA a Blowgun Pervert. I get shot! Shot in the neck
attacks have already made countless appearances in with a 10-centimeter hyper-fucking-dermic-Aids-
the U.S.A and in England. Spear.
One example: Paula Wolf, Of course I didn’t realise at first
(dyke! so the previous male that it was a needle because it
statement still applies) atta- felt like some kind of gigantic
cked four pedestrians with mosquito sting (and who the
a blowgun while driving an fuck would expect blowguns
A-Team-wannabe-minivan. outside the indigenous tribes
When arrested, the police of…wherever?). But when my
found a blowgun, a slingshot friend lunged for my neck to
and a small bucket of rocks heroically suck out the venom,
in the glove compartment. and pulls out a needle the size
We can’t be sure, but I bet if of a Montblanc, I was all like
you took a shovel to her back “WTF?”.
lawn, you’d find the rem- Bye, bye pizza, couch & cold
nants of the kids she stole beer. Hello Aids clinic, blood
the weapons from, before ra- tests and fear. And this kind
ping them with a barbwire dildo: Myra Hindley sty- of blowgun is only a few clicks away from the regular
le. Did the police check? Did they fuck! Probably too perves hands. For Fucks sake, they even sell them on
busy closing down a FUCK YOU event or something Amazon. Oh the irony! (Note to self- don’t tell perverts
equally retarded. where to get raping equipment again). They even ca-
And what the fuck kind of Crystal meth junkie was tegorize them from “survival blowguns” to “cold steel
she anyway? You would think that buying a real gun blowguns” (damn it twice in one paragraph). A sur-
in America isn’t that difficult, vival blowgun? What’s next?
right? Why the hell would Kayaking down the Canal
you settle for a blowgun, let while attacking tourists with a
alone a slingshot? (That’s bow & arrow? We’re obviously
proof enough of kiddie raped just one step away from Black
for me). Mamba’s in our beds, and I’m
Oh, but the best part - why not talking about the vibrating
would a carpet-munching, one’s.
BA Baracus go on a blowgun- Anyway, apparently this is
spree? “She liked to hear currently a pretty rare case,
people say ouch.” Well done but for girls out there, here’s
Sherlock! Another case suc- my advice.
cessfully ignored by the indi- Giving blow-jobs isn’t really on
go pork squad! top of your “to do”-list, but in
Back to BXhell, and how I re- this case the old adage stands
cently suffered at the hands up. It’s better to give, than to
of our local blowgun perverts. receive a blow. On the bright
Nighttime, Etterbeek station. side though, if anyone does
Imagine the following: I’ve asks you for a Blow job, I sug-
just come from a hard day’s gest you get them butt naked,
work, I’m tired and I feel like smile angelically and stick a
shit because... dart in their cock just incase.
Hulk Hogan & Morgan Spurlock researching for their
forthcoming documentary SUPER SIZE MY BLOWGUN L-V-H
 “Errm, so, we at the creative department
did some brainstorming and we’ve come
up with three ideas:
1. Shit smeared all over Millie’s back.
2. A piece of shit wearing shades sunning
The golden age before political its back on a beach, or,
correctness. 3. Millie straining on the bog.”

The most dis-

concerting thing
about this, is the
wedding ring.
It’s clearly dat-
ed before legal
partnerships. If
there was a post-
er for denial,
then this would
be it!

I’m pretty sure

this was how
Shakespeare
pictured the fu-
ture.

Which came first, the chicken or the fucked

up prog rock philosophy?

39
 BAD INC.
So you’ve managed to get yourself a record
label. They’ve paid you 50K to get a stu-
We honestly didn’t dio, but unlike Shaun Ryder, you didn’t go
photoshop this. to Barbados and spent it all on crack. No,
you’ve been in the studio for months wor-
king on that all-important debut album.
You think that you’re a musical genius, but
then you remember that you’d forgot about
the artwork. FUCK! Here’s the result of
how a 100 euro artwork budget, can plunge
your musical career into the depths of obs-
curity.
D-B

So come back to mine, we can have a glass of

Rohypnol and I’ll put on some records... Oh
terry you’re so romantic!

...Because no one else will? Even the guys

below are so scared of you that they’ve
turned gay.

The guys on the far left are definitely pedo-

philes. But I’m sure the other two are just a
bit lonely.
WOOD CUT CHUCK

41
Thomas Amerlynck spends his days knuckle-deep playing with wood: car-
ving out patterns franticly until his face gets so red he looks like a lollipop.
We caught his work at Naked State Gallery and spotted the friendly lollipop-
faced fucker and asked if we could have some of his work to hang up at the
FUCK YOU HQ - we’re still waiting for it. Prices range from 150-300 euros.
Available from http://mesgravures.blogspot.com/
AUTISTIC PORN
We saw this work exhibited in a dungeon so-
mewhere in Brussels and wondered who’s Z,
if he was in fact dead, and if his Chopper had
really been stolen by Bruce Willis. Turned
out he was a local artist who, like us, spent
his days working out how to look at naked
chicks and get paid for it.

FUB: Who the fuck are you?

ZM: Zuleta Miguel, or The Z. Drawer/artist
close to autism.
FUB: What the fuck do you do?
ZM: I’m finishing my drawings for you, and
you’re making me lose a shitload of time by as-
king me all these questions.
FUB: How do you compare your work to Ro-
bert Crumb?
ZM: This guy is a killer in inking, narrating
and comedy/humour. Our styles are complete-
ly different, but I learnt a lot by analysing his
inking.
FUB: Who are your clients?
ZM: To my big surprise, men AND women.
I was told a lot that even though my work is
very suggestive, it stays sexy, glam, fetish, but
never vulgar. I’m always really happy to hear
that.
FUB: Did you see or hear your parents having
sex at an early age?
ZM: I’ve got a very big capacity to erase things
from my brain… What was the question?
FUB: Are you afraid of spiders?
ZM: We don’t get along very well, actually.
FUB: Are you compensating for a small penis?
ZM: HAHA, No no, I even use it as a scarf so-
metimes.
FUB: So you do this to get the chicks/guys?
ZM: I’ve got a very big capacity to erase things
from my brain… What was the question?
(haven’t I already said this phrase?)
FUB: What are the best galleries in Belgium?
ZM: There’s Yunic and Alice who really stand
forward for their diversity and their open spi-
rit. This one is too difficult… Now, the exhibi-
tions & trade shows are full of unique pieces
that will make your eyes explode. The Comics
Festival de Saint-Gilles for example.
FUB: If there was one person, dead or alive,
that you could paint naked, who would it be?
ZM: Seffana, without hesitating.
FUB: We would go for Hitler sodomising Stalin
whilst going down on Churchill.
ZM: In this case, I’ll film, and have it on you-
tube within the hour. The world HAS TO know
about it haha.
FUB: What’s your worst sexual experience?
ZM: Now now, my world is perfect.

The Z is currently exhibiting exclusively at

D-B
43
Limited Edition FUB second issue front cover bondagisation by The Z. Original artwork available for 300 Euros.
A2 Prints available for 50 Euros. Contact info@fuckyoubrussels.com.
Writers Editor-in-chief INTERNS
DANNY BARTLETT DANNY BARTLETT LIEN VAN HECKE/LIENTERN
RINGO GOMEZ KIM SA LY THUY/KIMTERN
LIEN VAN HECKE Design
MAURICE LATZKE MAURICE LATZKE
Proofreading
CRISTOVAO VERSTRAETEN DANNY BARTLETT
ANTONELLA AXISA
Photography / Illustrations SANDRATEER
Models
TINE DU GARDEIN (COVER) SANDRA CANO-CRUZ
BONNIE BURNS
SEBASTIEN MUNCK
JONAS DE HOWER
SEBASTIEN GRAFFE Special Thanks
ANNA SPARRE
JONATHAN P LEVY AEROPLASTICS GALLERY
MASKOT
RENE LATZKE MR EGO
NORA EL ARBI
DANNY BARTLETT KEEPSAKE
PATRICK COLAS
CLÉMENCE DEMESME PATRICK COLAS
JULYA HÉNAUX
DARREN CULLEN STEVE & GEMMA
AMY VINE
STIG OF THE DUMP REI KAWAKUBO
FANNY VANBINNEBEEK Hair & Make-up DENNIS VENICE
JAMIE TO FANNY VANBINNEBEEK
No Thanks To
FRIDA FJELLSTRÖM
Stylist GOOD VIBS - CLOTHING THAT
ANTOINE SCHUPPISSER
DANNY BARTLETT FALLS APART, THEY DONT
GREGORY GEORGESCU
WANT TO PAY FOR THEIR AD-
SEBASTIEN MUNCK
VERTISING AND ARE GENE-
JÉRÔME DEKINDT Mascots
RAL ASSHOLES!
MARC RESIBOIS ELVIS
OUR LAWYERS WILL BE IN
DUCKY McFUZZ
CONTACT.

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