Cleaning Crime a screenplay by Kelsey Gibson

2 Cop: A police officer that has been in the business for a couple of years, knows what hes doing Newbie: A new cop, this is his first official assignment Woman: one of the victims of this heinous crime Officer 1: an officer Knives (Officer 2): another officer Hanes: yet another officer

Fade in

3 EXT. STREET- NIGHT A street of Tristate area houses, three stories. The camera zooms in the on the middle house. INT. HOUSE- NIGHT Inside of a house, it is a mess, clothes every where, old pizza boxes scattered, the works. Its dark and we cant see much, we hear the door knob jiggle possibly even see it move. But we do not see who come through it. The camera moves to see a clock it says 11 oclock, we watch as there is a time lapse to about 2 oclock. The camera moves back so we see the house, it is spotless. We also see the door close. Still never seeing who was there. INT. SQUAD ROOM- AFTERNOON We see only two cops one standing in front of a desk while the other is sitting behind the same desk. The cop sitting down is working on papers in front of him. The squad room is rather messy, papers and coffee everywhere. NEWBIE [Shouting] Ready for my 1st case sir! COP [Looks up] Shut up. [Picks up a couple of papers throwing them to the front of the desk] Here NEWBIE [Takes papers, reads them aloud] 15 cases in the Tristate Area has taken place within a couple of months, nothing was stolen, no one was hurt, nothing was broken[Trailing off] Sir, pardon my asking butCOP Its a hard case noob. Keep reading NEWBIE [Continues] There 15 cases all have one thing in common. Their house was cleaned. Sir? COP [Nods] There are menaces out there noob! And they are terrorizing the entire area! They must be stopped! NEWBIE [Probably starting and stopping several questions before finally settling on one] Theyre cleaning house? COP

4 YES! And it doesnt matter! They are still breaking and entering the homes to do so! NEWBIE Well, sirare they actually breaking incuz it says here theyre not [Pointing to the paper] COP I said that doesnt matter! [Stands up slamming his hands on desk] Theyre entering then! Its still a crime! NEWBIE Whatsthe case then? Am I supposed to find the people who are doing thisor what? COP [Paces behind the desk] I dont know noob, whatve you been taught? What are they teaching you idiots in classes lately? Can you tell me? NEWBIE ThenIm supposed to catch them. COP [Stops pacing] No shit! [Sighs] Just get on the case noob. NEWBIE [Nods and exits] [A phone is heard Cop answers it] COP Please state your problem, name, and address, this call is being recorded. Go. NEWBIE UmI dont know where to start, Newbie, here. COP [Slams down the phone] NOOB! NEWBIE [Enters again timidly] Yes sir?

COP [Points to the desk across from him]

5 Get your ass in the seat and research the crimes. Get the addresses and the names of the victims. Get. To. Work. NEWBIE [Sits and works on the computer, silently] This continues for a few minutes of almost complete silence the only things we hear are NEWBIES typing on the computer, COPS fuming/ mumbling to himself and the clock ticking COP [standing up again slamming his hands on the desk] Havent you finished it yet? NEWBIE [looks over cowering] A..Almost COP [sighs] you imbecilecome onbring the first address and names, well go talk to the victims. NEWBIE [grabs the info he has found and follows COP out of the squad room] EXT. HOUSE- AFTERNOON We see the house from the beginning , NEWBIE knocks on the door and waits by COPS side beaming like a small child about to go into a candy store or meet his favorite TV star COP [with a serious look on his face] NEWBIE [looks over, puts on a serious face on that looks like hes mocking COP, but he isnt] WOMAN [answers door] Hello? May I help you? COP Sorry for the interruption, but were here to ask you some questions maam WOMAN [nods and steps aside to let them in] NEWBIE [moves to go in]

COP [pushes his way in past NEWBIE and moves into the house] NEWBIE [nods and smiles to the WOMAN] Thank you. [moves into the house] WOMAN leads them in the living room we saw earlier it is still as clean as it was when we saw it last. She motions to the couch and takes a seat in an armchair. The room is filled with old looking things, good china, pink cushions and white doilies. COP [sits down] As you probably know that there have been lots of cases like yours and we have been doing everything in our power to stop these occurrencesbut were going to need your help. Is it possible that you saw the faces of your attackers? Please tell me if its hard for you and well stop immediately. WOMAN No[shaking her head] I wasnt home, no one waswe all went out that night and when we came back our house was cleanedI really dont see the problem, I just was worried about the intrusion. NEWBIE [looking at COP] I told you so... COP [muttered] Shut up Noob...[back to normal] Maam with all due respect I dont think you realize how much they have violated you. NEWBIE [rolls eyes, moves a little in the seat] MaamIm sorry for the inconvenience we may have caused you [stands up] If you can think of anything at all about the perpetrators please call us. COP [grumbling probably about how stupid people are] Alright, please if you can think of anything at all about the perpetrators please call us. WOMAN [smiles and stands up] Thank you for working so...[searches for a word] hard COP and NEWBIE leave WOMANS house INT. SQUAD ROOM- LATER AFTERNOON

7 COP and NEWBIE walk in from the back of the squad room. COP stops suddenly throwing his arm out to stop NEWBIE from going any further. COP Dont movesomethings wrong. NEWBIE [looks around room] I dont see what you mean sirnothing looks out of place. COP [slowly moving forward] No. Something is wrong. Get the kit. NEWBIE [unsure what hes doing] What kit sir? COP [angry shout] The finger printing kit, come on noob, keep up with me here. NEWBIE [moves scrambling for the kit somewhere in his desk] Yes sir, sorry sir! COP [rolls eyes, takes kit from NEWBIE] Im telling you there is something wrong [he uses the kit on the desk, nothing] This same process is used everywhere in the room, most likely a slow time lapse of about 2 hours or so, NEWBIE is doing most of the work COP Notasingle printanywhere NEWBIE [standing on a ladder with a light bulb in his hand and the printing dust almost getting on his face as he dusts a light bulb socket] Theyre goodnot even in here

COP [sits down exhausted] God, theyre good NEWBIE [stepping down from ladder] Who cleans the light sockets? I meanwho really ever checks there?

COP [looking at NEWBIE with a are you an idiot? face] Evil menaces of the night, thats who. These people are even more devious then I thought they were. Were dealing with real high sophisticated criminals here noob, dont let your guard down. One false step and [makes a gesture of his throat being sliced] You understand? NEWBIE [nodding slowly] Butthis took place in the late afternoon COP [glares at NEWBIE] NEWBIE [stands at attention, salutes] I understand sir! COP [nods once] Good. Now clean up that mess you made with the finger printing dust. NEWBIE [looks around the squad room, sighs. Mumbles] I wish those evil memises of the night were here right now. COP NOOB! NEWBIE [scrambling to start cleaning] Yes sir! Sorry Sir! COP [sighs] Out of everyone in the academy I had to get stuck with this one

INT. SQUAD ROOM- DAY The previous scene fades to black only to open back to the squad room the next day. We see COP sitting down at his desk working on some random paper work. NEWBIE is at his desk working on his assignment. The Cleaners case, hes playing PONG. NEWBIE [boredly playing PONG]

9 I dont get itwhats the big deal about this case anyway, theyre just cleaning COP [not paying much attention to NEWBIE] Its menaces like that, that ruin our society. NEWBIE [looks over to COP] Still stupid [he misses the little ball on PONG] Shit! COP [looks over] What! What did you do? NEWBIE Umnothing, I justum came up with a great idea to capture the ahcriminals COP [interested] Oh really? What is it? NEWBIE [making it up on the spot] Wemake a mess COP We what? NEWBIE Yeah! We make a messa really big one! COP Thats just about the most stupid thing Ive ever heard NEWBIE That it just might work? COP No! We should make a huge jubilee of untidiness! NEWBIE [looking at COP in disbelief] Yes sirthats a wonderful idea I wish I thought of it COP [smiles proudly] Exactly

10 NEWBIE [shakes his head] So, where should we do this? COP God Newbie! Do I need to come up with everything by myself? NEWBIE Uh.. COP never mindWell do it here in the squad room. NEWBIE In the squad room sir? COP Yes, where else? Its the perfect place, plus it needs cleaning up anyway NEWBIE But i[shakes his head] okso, when? COP Tonight, they seem to like to do theyre devil bidding at night NEWBIE Devil bidding COP Yes devil bidding. NEWBIE [sighs] Right... INT. SQUAD ROOM- NIGHT We see the squad room its dark but we can still see do to the full moon outside. We see its a complete mess NEWBIE (OS) Sir...its getting kinda late, and its already past my shift, I need to get home to my wife. COP (OS) Well maybe if you shut up they would come and you would get to go home early We finally see NEWBIE and COP behind one of the other desks guns drawn, COP is alert, NEWBIE is lazy

11 NEWBIE [sighs] COP [breaking the silence that fell after NEWBIE sighed] You have a wife? NEWBIE [nods] Yeah, a real goddess [pulls his wallet out to show COP a picture of his wife, we see a beautiful woman, long blond hair and blue eyes, thin and about a head shorter then NEWBIE] COP [takes the picture putting his gun down] Shes very pretty [hands picture back to NEWBIE] NEWBIE [smiles] Im so lucky, shes very understanding of my job. COP They have to be NEWBIE Sir? COP Yeah? NEWBIE You married? COP Used to be. But she left me. NEWBIE Im sorry to hear that COP [shakes his head] The job was to demanding. I wasnt a very good husband anyway. NEWBIE Ah. Dont say that sir, Im sure you were a wonderful husband, you just paid too much attention on your job. We hear a clock chime 3. COP

12 [sighs] Well this is the latest case timetheyre not coming, ok Noobyou can go be home with your wife. NEWBIE [smiles] Thank you Sir. Ill see you in the tomorrowerin the moringerIll see you. COP [waves a lazy reply] Go home noob NEWBIE [gets up and leaves] COP [gets up and looks around, sighs and leaves] Camera zooms in on the clock. It time lapse to 4 oclock. We hear a door knob jiggle. We a light stream from an outside source flow into the room. The screen fades to black. We do not see who enters the room. INT. SQUAD ROOM-DAY We see the clock again. Its around 8 oclock COP (OS) NOOB! NEWBIE [scrambling in] Oh my god Camera does a long shot of the squad room its spotless again. COP [stares in shock of the cleanliness of the room] NEWBIE [walks into the room, looks back to COP] Do I have to use the fingerprint dust again? COP [shakes his head] Nojust get to work, theyve really done it now. Twice in a rowand it had to be after I left NEWBIE [shrugs goes to his desk sitting down turning it on and playing PONG again] COP

13 [sits down and starts to work on paper work] NEWBIE Hey..Sir? Why dont we go check the doormaybe they left finger prints there COP No, I highly doubt it NEWBIE Well maybe we should make a mess again, I mean it almost caught them last time, why not try it again and we might get them this time, if we stay a little later, my wife is going to be out tonight so you have got me for as long as it takes tonight. COP [smiles softly at NEWBIE] Thank you Newbie, that means a lot to me to see someone so dedicated to catch these heathens. But I think we need a better plan about how to go about this. NEWBIE [is confused] What do you mean? What kind of plan? COP We need a to come up with a different strategy to catch these guys they seem to know exactly when were going to leave, so that means that we need to fool them into leave right? NEWBIE I guess soyeah that makes sense

COP Good. Then lets get startedwe also need to make more of a mess, I highly doubt criminals as sophisticated as these will fall for the same trick twice. NEWBIE I couldcall in the rest of the squad COP Yes, do that. We need all the help we can get NEWBIE [salutes] On it Sir! About two hours later the squad shows up. We see the rest of the squad for the first time. They dont look like the brightest bunch, but definitely strong. There is a huge bustle in the squad room. Everyone running around and throwing papers looking as if they are trying to solve a major crime, where as in reality its just an act.

14

OFFICER 12 hits on the Upper East Side! KNIVES I got 2 on Lower East Side! COP What on earth is going on? NEWBIE [running around with coffee handing it to whoever is at a desk, occasionally spilling some] Coffee sir? COP No Newbie, I need answers to this crime not coffee! NEWBIE [nods] Should I join sir? COP No, stay on your case until further noted. HANES! When I say I need a address now I mean two mintues ago get a move on HANES (OS) Yes Sir! OFFICER 2 more hits on Upper East! KNIVES False alarms for Lower East!

COP Good work, Knives, keep it up, make sure to find more false cases, we need to lower this down to Upper East! KNIVES Yes Sir! This continues on in the background, NEWBIE is seen talking to someone (who we dont see, maybe just a silhouette) NEWBIE nods and moves back in the room. COP notices and confronts NEWBIE

15 COP Hey Newbie, who was that? NEWBIE No one sir, just someone who wanted to know how to get to West 23rd street. COP Oh, ok. NEWBIE [nods] Sir, are you sure you dont want any coffee? COP Yeah, Ill have some now. NEWBIE gives COP a cup of coffee, COP looks at the coffee and then to everyone around him. COP Everyone! I would like your attention. [pauses until everyone looks over] We are obvioulsly not getting anything done here, so why dont we haveKnives, Hanes andyou [points to OFFICER 1] go up to the crime scenes and figure this crime there. Move quickly men, this is a matter of life and death. We need every man we can get on the case. NEWBIE [raises his hand, about to say something] COP No Noob! Not you! [mumbles to himself] God Noob, were faking. [sighs] Alright men! Get going! ALL Yes Sir! Everyone grabs there stuff, things like pads of paper and pencils, their jackets. And run through the squad room quickly. Leaving a huge mess in the squad room. NEWBIE What will we be doing sir? COP Well be going to the next victim of your case. NEWBIE [looks confused] Why? COP

16 Because that case needs just as much attention as this one. NEWBIE Oh..ok, thank you sir for helping me out. COP No problem Noob. NEWBIE [whispers to COP] Soare we really going, or is this part of the act? COP [sighs] Yes Noob, we really are going to check it out. NEWBIE Ohok but doesnt that defeat the purpose of catching them? COP Ah, it would but you see I left a trap for them. [whispers to NEWBIE] You see, I left several sticky substances around the place and we can get their fingerprints from that. NEWBIE Oh? But how do we know that we havent touched it? COP Thats easy, we send them all. NEWBIE [nods] So, how would one get around these sticky things? COP [shrugs] Gloves. NEWBIE [raises eyebrow] Thatssimple COP Yup NEWBIE Well, then lets go sir! NEWBIE wraps his arm jestingly around COPS shoulder walking out the front door with him. He looks back and motions someone in. Cut to the back door that NEWBIE was talking to someone at, we see the same silhouette as before open the back door.

17

COP [almost turns back] Whats that noise? NEWBIE [keeps him from seeing the silhouette] What noise sir? I hear nothing, nothing at all. COP [shrugs, keeps walking] COP (OS) Noob get your hands off of me! NEWBIE (OS) [laughing] Yes sir! FADE OUT