Networking is Out: Build Lasting Relationships Through

Coaching and Appreciation Focus

By Teresa Pangan, PhD, RD and Mandi Wong, RD/LD

7 Listening Must Knows

1. Benefits of Listening: Purposeful listening when connecting will generate 3 powerful
benefits: connectee feels they matter or you value them; through your detective listening you
are able to better understand them and discover their gems; lastly, you find opportunities to
serve them help them be successful and feel fulfilled.
2. Be interested it is much better to be interested than interesting. People are attracted to a
good listener more than a good talker.
3. Level 2: Focused listening this listening level is where you place yourself in the other
persons shoes. You are aware of your own biases and attitudes and separate them out and
seek to understand the person you are connecting with. You seek to understand from their
perspective. No multi-tasking takes place at this level. Block everything else around you and
concentrate 100% on the person you are connecting with.
4. Paraphrasing this is a listening technique used to clarify your understanding of what the
other person is saying. Use your own words to state what you heard. Example lead-ins are:
So what you're saying is Is this correct?; Are you saying ; Am I on the right track?;
What I am hearing is Is that right?; Is this what you mean?...
5. Summarizing this is a listening technique also used to clarify your understanding of what
the other person is saying. Use your own words to describe the main points of what you
heard was being said. Example lead-ins are: So in summary, you ; So to recap, you ;
So to review what you just said.
6. Encouragements this is a listening technique used to cue the person talking to continue
expanding on their story or statement. Example verbal encouragements are: Wow; "OK";
"Then"; "Uh huh"; "Say more"; "Umm-humm"; "Mmm?"; Go on; What else?
7. Acknowledgement this is a listening technique that acknowledges in a powerful and
positive fashion that you heard what they said. It ties an outcome to a positive quality in the
person. It is stronger than a compliment. Your _[quality]______ allowed __[specific
outcome_]___.
QUALITY = patience, creativity, follow-through, clear communication, thoughtfulness.
SPECIFIC OUTCOME = others to grow; the project done on time, allow the students to
feel empowered

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"Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life." Jack Canfield

20 Powerful & Appreciative Questions

1. What do you enjoy most about what you do?
2. What separates your organization/company from others?
3. What one thing would you do with your organization/business if you knew you could not fail?
4. Describe your ideal student/client/patient/customer/coworker?
5. What would a successful (or great) day look like for you today?
6. If you had the means to pursue your dream work, what would it be?
7. Describe a project that is exciting for you that you are working on either at work or in your personal time?
How can I help?
8. During the last week when was there a moment you felt fully alive, excited about something that
happened with you, your kids or at work? When was it?
9. What are 3 things important to you that you are working on right now? How can I help?
10. Without being humble, describe what you value most about yourself, and your work?
11. Describe a recent "high" from your work. What made it possible?
12. What attracted you to your work/career?
13. What is one person that has had a big influence on your career? What did they do?
14. Who in your life/career are you most grateful to? Why?
15. If you had no obligations or barriers, what would you do in your career?
16. What 3 wishes do you have for your work/career in the next 6 months to move it forward? How can I
help?
17. If you had access to unlimited resources, what would you want to happen today?
18. What was a highlight for you over the past week? At home? At work?
19. I would love to hear a story about a time when you were energized and enthusiastic about your work.
20. What is the most interesting thing that happened to you so far today?

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"Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life." Jack Canfield

8 Tips for Introverts and Centroverts to Make Connecting FUN

1. Down time plan in time to recharge before connecting and if at a social event take a break
in the restroom or step away and check email (real or fake) to re-energize.
2. Realistic goals plan to connect with others when you are at your best, a good goal is to
connect with 2 4 people an hour.
3. Leverage listening ask well-formed powerful questions to go deep and focused looking
for ways to help and to uncover the persons gems.
4. Plan ahead set goals; memorize powerful questions and private question responses.
5. Follow-up this is important in order to cement new relationships; examples are thank you
note, introduction to other people, a link or article on a topic they revealed an interest in, or
photo from event.
6. Volunteer gives predefined role at event.
7. Take it slow conserve your gas by entering the event slowly: take deep, slow breaths;
look for soft eye contact,; slowly move towards someone that has reciprocated; give a
compliment and continue with powerful appreciative questions.
8. Graceful exit responses - I look forward to following up how do you prefer to be
contacted?...; It was wonderful to spend a few moments together. ..; I am sure you want
to talk with others, I dont want to hold you up. Thanks for your valuable time. I loved getting
to know you.

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"Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life." Jack Canfield

Appreciative Team Building Focus

Create 3 5 Powerful Questions - each team member answers questions individually on

paper. Questions come from the following sources.
Focus on team building process: Tell your story about your best experience of working with a
group of people to achieve something. What was exciting about it? What helped it go well?
Focus on getting to know each other: Without being humble, what was it about you and your
actions, thoughts and beliefs that contributed to the success of your team? Describe your
personal qualities and what you value about yourself that enabled the teams success.
Focus on team synergy: Tell your story about the best time you learned a great deal and
developed yourself and your skills by working and being with other people. What was
wonderful about it? What did you do or others do that helped you learn so well?
Focus on teams vision for the future: What three wishes would you make to make this
department/committee/organization an ideal organization to work for?
Pair-up combine team members into pairs and give them 30 min total (15 min per team
member) to share and expand on their answers. Team members take notes on their
partner. Each pair then shares with the full group. An option is for the team to explore ideas
generated.

Team Building Process

focuses on:
what you want more of (team success),
valuing, appreciating team members input,
discovering gems in team members

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"Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life." Jack Canfield

Appreciating Difficult People

Set Intention of Uplifting Experience ask, what do I want more of? Dig to find at least one thing
to appreciate in the person. By reframing how you think you change your feelings in the
interaction.
Teaching Moment - Look for what you can learn from the interactions with this person. What
can you take away and use to better deal with similar situations in the future.
Universal Need to Feel Valued Find something that the person does well or is well versed in.
Take time to ask for their input, their help in these areas of their strength. The goal is for them to
feel that they are important, that they matter.

10 Questions for Finding Appreciative Focus when

Connecting with Difficult People
1. What strengths does this person have we all have strengths; play detective and find some.
2. What do I like about this person? Try to find one positive thing to remind yourself every time
you think of and interact with this person.
3. What do I stand to learn from my interactions with this person? Find the teaching moment.
4. Who do I know that deals well with these type of situations that I can learn from in order to go
away with an uplifting experience?
5. How can I use my strengths to help me out in this situation?
6. When in the past have I dealt with a similar situation successfully and how can I apply it here?
7. What am I curious about in all this?
8. What is one good thing that could possibly come out of this?
9. What is one reason why Im glad this situation has come up? Can I use what I learn in future
situations?
10. How does this situation make me appreciate other people in my life even more?

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"Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life." Jack Canfield

Activities to Cultivate Appreciation Focus in Your Life

a. Listen to colleagues at work in the next day so you hear ALL their words, or at least
do better than the average of only hearing 1/3 of all the words said.
b. Listen to a colleague at work in the next day in level 2 listening - focused on the other
person and less aware of the outside world.
c. Think of a difficult person in your life. Write down at least 2 things you appreciate
about them. Next time you think about or interact with this person, aim to put more
attention on the things you appreciate about them and less attention on why they are
on your list of "difficult" people. Ask yourself What do I want more of? Focus on
bringing yourself an uplifting experience.
d. Smile intentionally to someone you are having a conversation with and observe if
they smile back.
e. Think of a difficult person in your life. Find a way to show they are valuable and
matter. Ask for their help or input into a valuable project or activity.
f. Use one powerful question to connect or strengthen a connection during your day.
g. Plan ahead for a social event in order to connect with people. Focus on making the
people you interact with feel valued.
h. Select someone in your life you would like to get to know better. Setup a time/activity
to meet in the near future. Use powerful questions to uncover the persons gems
looking for ways you can help them be successful and fulfilled in life. Follow-up after
your meeting to show your appreciation.
i. Schedule several activities to connect with others in your career over the next 3
months to achieve a diverse and wide network of connections (local/state food &
nutrition events; woman groups; service organizations; affiliate professional
association events; workplace events; community events)
j. Write 3 handwritten thank you cards to people that have helped you without
expecting anything in return.
k. Daily write a list of 3 things for which you are grateful. Then take thirty seconds to
close your eyes and really focus on and feel your appreciation for each one.
l. Reframe your conversations in a portion of your day so you use positive statements
and avoid negative words (focus on what you want more of).
m. Think of a person in your life you consider to be dull and make it your goal to
discover something fascinating about them. Train yourself to be a detective looking
for gems in others.
n. Track times you smile in a day increase if you are not at 20 or more (children smile
more than 400 times per day)

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"Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life." Jack Canfield