The Concise Coaching

Handbook
The Concise Coaching
Handbook
How to Coach Yourself and Others
to Get Business Results

Elizabeth Dickinson, MA
The Concise Coaching Handbook: How to Coach Yourself and Others to Get
Business Results

Copyright © Business Expert Press, LLC, 2018.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any
means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other
except for brief quotations, not to exceed 400 words, without the prior
permission of the publisher.

First published in 2018 by

Business Expert Press, LLC
222 East 46th Street, New York, NY 10017
www.businessexpertpress.com

ISBN-13: 978-1-94858-078-6 (paperback)

ISBN-13: 978-1-94858-079-3 (e-book)

Business Expert Press Human Resource Management and Organizational

Behavior ­Collection

Collection ISSN: 1946-5637 (print)

Collection ISSN: 1946-5645 (electronic)

Cover and interior design by Exeter Premedia Services Private Ltd.,

Chennai, India

First edition: 2018

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Printed in the United States of America.

 Abstract
Many traditional ways of helping, assisting, or managing people result
in resistance or inadvertent mismanagement. In turn, this can lead to
­anxiety and unnecessarily poor performance. While primarily ­unintended,
­mismanagement of self or others often results in discouragement even
when the intent is to motivate.
Utilizing a coach approach to motivating oneself and in manag-
ing others circumvents resistance and mismanagement by harnessing a
­person’s inner wisdom and natural inclinations. Its increasing popularity
reflects its documented effectiveness in improving employee engagement,
commitment, and productivity.
Utilizing a “coach approach” with oneself and others enables quicker
and more effective progress toward goals. The Concise Coaching Handbook
identifies the crucial coaching qualities to adopt with yourself to increase
motivation and performance. These include being welcoming, friendly,
nonjudgmental, and curious. Through exercises and examples, the author
further illustrates how to ask yourself compelling questions, how to create
effective actions by constructing SMART goals, and how to hold yourself
accountable to your own plans.
The author also details how presence and attitude, active listening,
compelling questions, setting goals and accountabilities, and encour-
agement and feedback function in a coaching relationship. Drawing
from ­neuroscience, case studies, and personal experience, the author
demonstrates how to use these specific techniques to create more
­
­fulfilling relationships and results. The Concise Coaching Handbook ends
with three brief case studies of for-profit and nonprofit organizations
who have c­ ommitted to creating a “coaching culture” and the benefits
they’ve received.

Keywords
business coaching, coaching, coaching culture, coaching handbook,
coaching others, emotional intelligence, employee engagement, human
resources and personnel management, leadership coaching, mentoring
and coaching, motivational coaching, overcoming resistance, productiv-
ity coaching, self-help, self-help short reads
 Endorsements
This wise, encouraging book will help you think like a coach—and have a
better life as a result.
—Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach, business educator,
bestselling author, ranked world’s top leadership thinker
by Thinkers50

Well written and very useful. Elizabeth takes complex coaching concepts/tools
and breaks them down so readers who want to improve their lives and see
themselves inspiring others can make real and lasting change.
—Paula Hemming, Professional Coach Training Director,
Adler Graduate School

Whether you want to develop your inner coach—or deepen your understand-
ing of how to use coaching skills—The Concise Coaching ­Handbook is a
­practical guide that makes the coaching approach accessible to everyone.
—Dave Wondra
Past Chairman, International Coach Federation
President, Wondra Group
 Contents
Endorsements����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������vii
Preface��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������xi
Introduction����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������xiii
Part I Coaching Yourself�������������������������������������������������������� 1
Chapter 1 Why Cultivating Coach-Like Qualities Is Important��������3
Chapter 2 Create Your Contract with Your Inner Coach�������������������9
Chapter 3 Create Your Wheel of Life�����������������������������������������������11
Chapter 4 Use Your Wheel to Identify Priorities������������������������������13
Chapter 5 Use Your Wheel of Life to Discover What Will
Make the Biggest Difference�������������������������������������������15
Chapter 6 Use Your Wheel of Life to Take Action���������������������������17
Chapter 7 Define Your Success and Use SMART Goals�������������������19
Chapter 8 Personal Accountability System Examples�����������������������25
Chapter 9 Messages and Exercises to Do When You Don’t
Follow Through��������������������������������������������������������������27
Chapter 10 The Bigger Picture: Taking Care of Yourself��������������������37

Epilogue: Coaching Yourself�������������������������������������������������������������������53

Preface to Part II����������������������������������������������������������������������������������55

Part II Coaching Others�������������������������������������������������������� 59
Chapter 1 Frequently Asked Questions About Coaching Others�����61
Chapter 2 Creating Presence and Attitude���������������������������������������67
Chapter 3 Using Active Listening����������������������������������������������������73
Chapter 4 Using Compelling Questions������������������������������������������81
Chapter 5 Creating Action and Accountability��������������������������������93
Chapter 6 Using Encouragement and Feedback����������������������������103
Chapter 7 Coaching’s Place at Work����������������������������������������������113
x Contents

Epilogue: Coaching Others������������������������������������������������������������������123

Appendix��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������125
Additional Readings����������������������������������������������������������������������������127
Testimonials���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������129
About the Author��������������������������������������������������������������������������������137
Index�������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������139
 Preface
As a coach and public speaker/presenter I have coached and d ­ elivered
workshops focused on using coaching skills in management, r­educing
stress, and leading/living an authentic life, among other topics. If
you are interested in coaching for yourself or a customized work-
shop or ­ presentation for your organization, please visit my website:
http://­pursueyourpath.com.
What unites everything I do in my coaching practice and in my
­presentations is a belief that everyone is capable of finding more life satis-
faction and pursuing their path(s) in life.
What I’ve learned from my coaching and during my presentations is
that attendees are hungry to learn ways they can achieve clarity, create and
fulfill goals, and enjoy better relationships with themselves and others.
Most of the coaching techniques and tools I write about here I also
use in my private practice and in presentations. All of them are elegantly
simple and easy-to-learn.
Some of these techniques are taught in coach training schools.
I  learned  many from my Adler Graduate Institute teacher and stellar
coach Paula Hemming, who generously and graciously gave me permis-
sion to share with you. As she simply put it, “This work needs to be in
the world.”
Other techniques and thoughts are my own, although I don’t believe
we are ever alone in our work to improve the human condition.
So I also owe a debt of gratitude to the other teachers who have
informed and enriched my life, including Adler teachers Bev Lutz and
Val Olson.
At the end of this book, I share some of the books and other teachers
who have inspired me and caused me to look deeper, to seek guidance,
and to ask the most important question anyone can ask.
xii Preface

How do I create a meaningful life?

I share these exercises and insights with you now in the hope that you will
use them for yourself and others. While nothing takes the place of a great
coach, I truly believe a coaching philosophy and mindset could save the
world—or at the very least, improve your corner of it.
When we take care of our own deepest needs, we provide a model and
inspiration for others to pursue their own paths.
And who knows what other shores those ripples may touch and
change?
Part I of this book is devoted to you, to help you develop your inner
coach, to clarify and identify your personal values and vision, and to help
you formulate some steps to putting your values and vision into action.
Part II of this book is about developing coaching skills to use with
others. While I encourage you to read both parts, you are of course free
to start there! However, you will derive the most benefit from reading
both and doing the exercises. Everyone who wants to coach improves as
a coach by being coached. Much of the coaching philosophy and experi-
ence will make more sense if you read Part I first.
May you pursue your path, and accept as true only the things in this book
that resonate with you.
Blessings to all who read this, and to those whose lives in turn they
will influence!
 Introduction
When you visit an expert for advice, you expect the expert to know more
about the subject in question than you do.
You trust the expert to be able to assess your situation and to apply
his or her specialized experience and information toward your situation.
If you are wise, you ask the wisest part of you, does this specialized
information apply to my life in the way the expert says it does?
Will applying his or her recommendations improve this situation and
my life?
If you are unclear, you may consult another expert to see if the next
expert agrees with the first. Or you consult a third expert to see whether
there is expert consensus.
Then you make a decision about whether to apply the advice.
An expert is someone who has or shows special skill or knowledge
because of what s/he has been taught or what s/he has experienced.
In this book, I will make a radical and potentially life-changing claim.
You are the expert on your life. You have special skill and knowledge
about your life because of what you have experienced that no one else has.
No one else knows more about your life, your life experiences or what will
work for you or how to make your life work than you do.
This is not to say that you will never consult an expert about aspects
of your life or about things you haven’t studied. Nor does it mean that
you will never seek help or support. Seeking support is often a sign of
strength.
But no one will ever know more about you than you know about
yourself right now.
To completely own your expertise about your life, you need to know
what your core strengths and values are. You need to know what makes
you come alive. You need to know what your vision is for your life.
And then you need to claim your strengths, to acknowledge your
­values, and to create a vision…
xiv Introduction

And then you can act for yourself and on behalf of the world, bringing
your strengths, values, and vision to it.
No one else can be who you are or do exactly what you can do in the
way you do it.
You need to trust and act on this fact.
You claim your expertise over your own life when you trust yourself
and act on the information you give yourself.
Getting clear about your deepest, soul-level desires, learning to trust
what the wisest part of you knows is true, and then acting on it, is the life
purpose for most of us.
This book will show you some super-simple ways to clarify what you
want. Trust the answers you give yourself. Act on them. Change your life.
Change your world.
Above all, trust yourself.
I have never met a single person who doesn’t have worth, and who
doesn’t have something to contribute by being in this world.
There’s an old joke:
“To be is to do.”—Sartre
“To do is to be.”—Camus
“Do be do be do.”—Sinatra
When you deeply “are” who you are and “do” what you came here to
do, you create a melody where your being and your doing are so inextri-
cably united that they are one and the same song.
And the joy you will experience in singing that song, will inspire
the world.
 CHAPTER 1

Why Cultivating Coach-Like

Qualities Is Important
You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try
approving of yourself and see what happens.
—Louise L. Hay

Your Inner Coach

What new challenges might you tackle if you had a non-judgmental, curi-
ous, and insightful coach? How much more could you accomplish if you
had support and encouragement from an advocate and witness?
An effective coach welcomes all parts of you, listens actively and asks
mind-opening questions. The support, accountability, and perspective of
a discerning guide can help you eliminate old limiting beliefs and behav-
iors, and identify strengths you can leverage to create the life you want.

What are characteristics of a great coach?

1. Welcoming
2. Friendly
3. Actively listens
4. Non-judgmental and curious
5. Asks great questions
6. Supports you to create effective action and to be accountable to your
goals and dreams

In the next chapter, I will ask you to make a contract with yourself to
embody these qualities inside you and to utilize the skills of a great coach.
First, I’ll explain why these qualities and skills are important.
4 The Concise Coaching Handbook

How to Be Your Own Best Friend Instead of Your Own Worst Enemy

Neuroscience research suggests a welcoming, friendly, and non-­judgmental

attitude promotes positive learning and behavioral change. Case ­Western
Reserve University research conducted by Professor Boyzatis using MRI
scans reveals enhanced activity in the brain areas associated with learn-
ing and behavioral changes in clients whose coach demonstrates those
­qualities and helps the client focus on a positive future.
Treating yourself the way a great coach would treat you is not baby-
ing yourself—it’s the best way to engage your creativity, to motivate
­yourself and to initiate lasting change. Yelling at yourself and judging
yourself harshly will not activate the learning and behavioral parts of your
brain. In short, it’s harder to change when you adopt a hostile attitude
toward yourself.
You are always listening to what you tell yourself. When your mind
constantly focuses on criticizing yourself and identifying how you’re
screwing up, the brain only notices the flaws and that criticizing yourself
and screwing up is a big priority. Sometimes people unwittingly focus
on what they don’t want over and over—and then unwittingly bring
it about.

“I can’t screw up, I can’t screw up, I can’t screw up…. oops, I just
screwed up…”

Pay attention to what you want. Express it in positive terms. “I want

to do x. I want x to happen.” Reinforce in yourself what you do want, not
what you don’t want.

If You Only Listen to One Person, Listen to Yourself

Active listening may be the trickiest piece to do without an external coach

or partner. However, the principles behind listening are the same as you
would extend to someone else.
Active listening to yourself means giving yourself your own undivided
attention. It means slowing down, turning off electronic devices, and
­taking regular time to focus on yourself. Active listening with a “self-focus”
 Why Cultivating Coach-Like Qualities Is Important 5

may mean going to a different part of your home or re-locating outside

your home, and alerting loved ones you are not to be d ­ isturbed for a
specific time.
Active listening means taking time everyday to treat your thoughts,
feelings, beliefs, and intuitions as important—and as important reflec-
tions of your mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
When you have a strong intuition related to something you could do,
it’s also important to honor that intuition by taking action.

How do I listen to myself?

The form you adopt to actively listen to yourself may vary. It can include
journaling/writing down your thoughts/feelings; talking into a recorder;
talking to a trusted partner who uses active listening skills, or something
else that allows you to hear what you are saying to yourself.
Writing down your thoughts or feelings or talking into a tape is a
great way to debrief with yourself and to gain perspective, particularly on
troubling events.
Over 20 years of research, Professor James Pennebaker at the
­University of Austin demonstrated how writing down your thoughts or
feelings might be one of the best ways to cope with challenges. It can even
strengthen your immune system, particularly if your writing focuses on
extracting meaning from a situation. This can be especially effective if you
suffer from chronic anxiety or worry.
Speaking your thoughts into a recorder and playing them back
is another way to get perspective. It gives you the sense of talking
to ­ someone—and that someone is you. Many cognitive behavior
­psychologists recommend setting aside specific worry time every day for
a specified amount of time where you give free reign to anxious thoughts.
Doing this is a way to forestall worrying all the time AND allows you to
go back and hear and review what’s worries you.
Doing the exercises in this book and finding your own ways to l­isten
to yourself are a great way to start listening to yourself. Your goal is to
develop a great relationship with the only person you live with every
­single minute of the day—yourself.
6 The Concise Coaching Handbook

Use Coaching Questions to Give Your Brain a Frame

Great questions are important because the way you frame a question or
situation is the way your brain will frame the answer.
Great questions pre-suppose a positive future. Great questions assume
there are specific actions that will get you to what you want.
Great questions empower you. They never assume you can’t have
something. They never assume limitations. They never assume that two
or more things you want are mutually exclusive.
If there are realities that must be respected (like past failures or time
limits), they are incorporated into the question, without pre-supposing
something can’t be accomplished now.

For instance,

• Given that I wasn’t as successful as I wanted to be in doing x,

what are ways I can act to be more successful next time?
• Given that I only have one free hour today to do x, and I
have these other things I’ve committed to do, what’s the best
way for me to accomplish x as well as the other things I’ve
­committed to doing?

Why “Whys” Aren’t Always Wise

Coaches seldom use why questions because they’re often counter-­

productive to taking effective action. Asking yourself why often puts you
in their head and pressures you to justify yourself.
Think about how you respond when someone else asks, “Why did you
do that?” “Why do you feel that way?”
Do you feel defensive? Underneath a why question is often a veiled
judgment or lack of understanding. At worst, it’s a way to make someone
wrong, to take blame, or to make a person feel they don’t measure up in
some way.
The answer to every “Why did I do that?” question is simply, “That’s
the best I could do at the time under the circumstances.” Any other expla-
nation you offer yourself is a story, which may or may not be true.
Asking “why?” often leads to intellectualizing and self-justification.
It doesn’t usually lead to action.
 Why Cultivating Coach-Like Qualities Is Important 7

When “Whys” Are Wise

If you are truly confused or confounded about why you feel a certain way
or why you are motivated to do or not do something, and you simply
must get clarity, journaling is a great way to explore a why question.
But please avoid asking whys later when you are about to take action
or to be accountable to yourself, otherwise you may create further delays
in taking action or derail your goals.
In Part II, I explore other loaded questions to avoid when coaching
yourself or someone else.

Can You Put One Foot in Front of the Other? (Or Why Small
Consistent Action Steps Are Important)

Consistent actions are important because our minds need ways to mea-
sure our progress. Happiness studies suggest people are happiest when
they make some measurable progress every day.
Big goals and enduring improvements are tied to doing smaller action
steps consistently. Just as losing a large amount of weight is healthier
when done more slowly (vs. crash dieting), so it is with most goals.
Particularly if you take on something big, such as something you have
never done before, or you take on something that scares you, or some-
thing you feel you have failed at before, it’s best to break the task down
into smaller steps.
Virtually every task needs to be broken down into smaller ones.
“What is one step I can take now toward x?” is a simple question to
ask yourself regularly.

Help Yourself to “Just Do It”

Creating accountability to yourself is important because there is no
­progress or accomplishment without it.
One definition of accountability is an obligation to report on your
activities. If you don’t have a coach to report to, you need to create a
­system that will help you report to yourself.
Accountability systems chart our progress so the doubting part of our
minds is quieted.
8 The Concise Coaching Handbook

If you have any tendency to discount, disregard, or minimize any

small steps you take (as I do!) then you need something that proves to
yourself that you have taken measurable actions.
Writing down specifically what you intend to do by when and then
following up by writing down what you actually did reinforces what
you’ve done and makes it harder for the doubting part of your mind to
argue with you.
In a later chapter, I will share tips on creating your own accountability
system.
 Index
accountability business coaching, 109, 115
contract, creating, 10 but word, 89–90
qualities of coach, 7–8
Wheel of Life, 18 certified coaches, 61
accountability system characteristics of coach, 3
creating an, 25–26 chronic stress, 40
setting, 24 Cialdini, Robert, “Influence: The
S.M.A.R.T. steps, 23–24 Power of Persuasion”, 26, 95
actions and accountability client
achievement, 96–97 ability, 70
capabilities/circumstances, 97–98 coach assumption, 62
client-centered, 100–101 importance, 100
discouraging, 98 irresistible question, 82
ensuring, 99–100 safety, 98–99
establishing, 94–96 client-centered coaching, 61,
excuses, 100 100–101
importance, 100 coach
safety, 98–99 behaviors, 106
S.M.A.R.T., 94 characteristics of, 3
taking action, 94 coaching
time-framed goal, 96 and assisting people, 62–63
action steps, 21–22 and counseling, 63–64
active listening, 4–5, 73–74 organizational, 117–119
communicate active availability, 76 presence, 67
communication, 77–78 skills, 107
conscious choice, 75 techniques, 62
emotional situation, 78–79 workplace (see workplace, coaching)
judgment, 77 coaching culture, 37, 119, 121–122
reflecting back, 76 coaching others
space, creating, 75–76 appropriates, 62
advising/mentoring, 63 assisting people, 62–63
attainable, accountability system, 23 assumption, 64–65
attitude attributes and activities, 66
equality, 68–70 client, assumption, 62
of unconditional positive regard, client-centered, 61
67–68 and counseling, 63–64, 65
attractive, accountability system, 23 encouragement, 65
International Coach Federation
Barr Engineering, 119 (ICF), 61
behaviors, coach, 106 outcomes, 65–66
Better Futures Minnesota, 120–121 coaching session, 84–86
blaming, avoiding, 87 communicate active availability, 76
140 Index

communication, active listening, in relationships, 106

77–78 ways, 105
compelling questions, 81 engagement, employee, 115–116
asking, 86–87 equality attitude, 68–70
autonomy and power, 82 external toleration, stress, 42–44
blaming, 87
brain buy-in, 82 feedback
but word, 89–90 acknowledgement, 111
coaching session, 84–86 coaching skills, 107
establishing, 83 definition, 107
importance, 83, 88 discouraging, 108
irresistible question, 82 reinforcing, 111
loaded question, 89 strengths and values, 109–110
positive alternative vision, 87 stress, 109
positivity and action, 87 uses, 107–108
steps, 84 value, 109
time, giving, 83 following through
venting, 86 exercise, 30–31
why, asking, 90–91 questions, 27–28
consistent action, 7 taking action, 31–33
consulting, 63 transformation, 33–36
contract, creating values and motivation, 29–30
accountability, 10 friendliness
friendliness and respect, 9 contract, creating, 9
listening, 9–10 qualities of coach, 4
skills, developing, 10
welcoming, 9
Copenhagen’s Happiness Research Gallup’s research, 116
Center, 114 give up, 48–51
counseling, 63–65 goal
capabilities/circumstances, 97–98
discouraging, 105–106, 108 creating, 70–71
discouraging, 98
finding, 93–94
emotional intelligence, 89
measurable and achievable, 96
emotional situation, active listening,
S.M.A.R.T., 94
78–79
taking action on, 94
employee engagement, 115–116
good stress, 40
management and, 116–117
great questions, 6
employees progress, 122
encouragement, 65, 103
attention, paying, 104 Holmes-Rahe stress, 38
behavior of coach, 106
challenging and potential-focusing, Influence: The Power of Persuasion
104 (Cialdini), 26, 95
and discouraging, 105–106 internal toleration, stress, 42–44
operation, 103–104 International Coach Federation
questions, 104–105 (ICF), 61, 117
 Index 141

International Knoll Research resilience, 65

Company, 115 respect, 9
respectful space, 75–77
judgment, 77
self-care, stress, 40–41
leadership coaching, 58 skills, developing, 10
listening S.M.A.R.T (Specific, Measurable,
contract, creating, 9–10 Attainable and attractive,
qualities of coach, 4–5 Realistic or results-focused,
loaded question, 89 Time-bound), 23–24
specific, accountability system, 23
management strength, feedback, 109–110
coaching skills, 117 stress, 37
and employee engagement, categories, 37–38
116–117 chronic, 40
measurable, accountability system, 23 events, 38–39
mentoring and coaching, 50, 51 example, 41–42
motivational coaching, 29–30, 34 exercise, 41
experiencing, 39–40
external and internal tolerations,
organizational coaching, 117–119
42–44
overcoming resistance, 81, 95
feedback, 109
good, 40
perceptions, stress, 42 perceptions, 42
Pregnancy Choices, 120 self-care, 40–41
presence, creating, 67 types of, 38
productivity coaching, 6, 91, 114, subpersonality, 33–35
115, 117 success
progress for granted, 20 action steps, 21–22
progress, minimizing, 21 creating, 45
psychological resilience, 65 forgetting achievement, 19–20
progress for granted, 20
qualities of coach progress, minimizing, 21
accountability, 7–8 quieting the part, 22
characteristics, 3 support group, 48
consistent action, 7 support system, 47–48
friendliness, 4
listening, 4–5 taking action, 31–33
questions, 6 teaching, 63
why questions, 6, 7 time-bound, accountability system,
questions, 6 24
quieting the part, 22 time, giving, 83
tolerations, 45–47
realistic, accountability system, 23–24 training, 63
reflecting back, 76 transparency, 65
relationships, encouragement, 106
repetition, 40 unconditional positive regard, 67–68
142 Index

value, feedback, 109–110 workplace, coaching, 113

values, 31–33 basics, 113–114
venting, 86 coaching culture, 119
employee engagement, 115–116
welcoming, 9 evolvement, 114–115
Wheel of Life, 11–12 Gallup’s research, 116
accountability, 18 management and employee
discovering, 15–16 engagement, 116–117
priority, identifying, 13 management needs, 117
taking action, 17 organizational coaching,
why questions, 6, 7, 90–91 117–119