Hairspray Script

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Hairspray script
image
'
Book by MARK O'DONNELL and THOMAS MEEHAN
Music by MARC SHAIMAN

Lyrics by SCOTT WITTMAN and MARC 9HAIMAN
Based on the New Line Cinema film written and dh•eoted bl:J JOHN
WATER9
Production photos by Paul l<olnik
APPLAUSE
THEATRE & CINEMA BOOKS
xiv
THE CAST
MARISSA TRACY
Tracy
JARET TURNBLAD A
Turnblad
WINOKUR high-spirited,
Corny irrepressible,
CLARKE
Collins chubby teen girl;
THORELL
she loves to
Amber Von LAURA BELL dance and is
Tussle BUNDY eager for her life
to kick in
PETER
Brad MATTHEW
SMITH
EDNA
TURNBLAD Her
HOLLIE
Tammy hefty,
HOWARD
loving,somewhat
repressed
mother,a
laundress with
Fender JOHN HILL
deferred dreams
JENNIFER
Brenda
GAMBATESE
WILBUR
TURNBLAD
Tracy's father, a
Sketch ADAM FLEMING
mischievous
joke shop
propri
SHOSHANA etor but always

Shelley
BEAN reliable dad
TODD MICHEL
IQ
SMITH
PENNY
PINGLETON
Lou Ann KATHARINE Tracy's ditzy but
LEONARD devoted best
friend
MATTHEW
Link Larkin
MORRISON
CORNY
COLLINS The
Prudy JACKIE
smooth and
Pingleton HOFFMAN
smart adult host
of Baltimore's
Edna HARVEY local TV teen

Turnblad FIERSTEIN dance show
Penny
KERRY BUTLER
Pingleton
LINK LARKIN
Velma Von The show's teen
LINDA HART
Tussle male dreamboat,
ambitious but
Harriman F. essentially
JOEL VIG
Spritzer good-hearted
Wilbur DICK LATESSA
Turnblad
AMBER VON
TUSSLE The
Principal JOEL VIG show's resident
princess,
conniving and
selfish,but
Seaweed J. COREY
superficially
Stubbs REYNOLDS
perky
ERIC
Duane
ANTHONY
VELMA VON
TussLE The TV
Gilbert ERIC DYSART station manager;
a rich, bigoted,
bossy
widow who's
pushing
DANIELLE LEE
Lorraine daughter Amber
GREAVES
to the stardom
she herself
Thad RASHAD never had
NAYLOR
KAMILAH
MARTIN,JUDIN MOTORMOUTH
The
E RICHARD, MAYBELLE The
Dynamites
SHAYNA big, brassy, all-
Mr. Pinky STEELE embracing black
radio
JOEL VIG
DJ and once-a-
Gym JACKIE month guest
Teacher HOFFMAN host on Corny's
show; she wears
DANELLE
blonde wigs as
Little Inez EUGENIA
her trademark
WILSON
Motormouth MARV BOND

Maybelle DAVIS
SEAWEED J.
STUBBS Her
JACl<IE
Matron sexy teen son,
HOFFMAN
street smart but
easygoing;
his unique
dance lessons
give Tracy the
Guard JOEL V1G
edge she needs
to catch
(in order of appearance)
Cindy JUDINE RICHARD
Swings JOSHUA BERGASSE, GREG GRAHAM, BROOKE TANSLEY
Denizens ofBaltimore:
Eric Anthony,Shoshana Bean, Eric Dysart, Adam Fleming,Jennifer

Gambatese, Danielle ee Greaves, David Greenspan, Katy Grenfell, John
Hill,Jackie Hoffman, Hollie Howard, Katharine Leonard, Kamilah Martin,
Rashad Naylor,Judlne Richard, Peter Matthew Smith,Todd Michel Smith,
Shayna Steele, Joel Vig
CHARACTERS
Corny's attention
. LITTLE INEZ Seaweed's little sister, 12. She's cute but angry,impa tient
for the promised land of actual civil rights
MALE AUTHORITY FIGURE One man plays assorted middle-aged men: a

nervous businessman, a condescending high school
principal, a flamboyant fashion boutique owner, a cop, and a corrupt jail

guard ·
FEMALE AUTHORITY FIGURE One woman plays assorted middle
MUSICAL NUMBERS
ACT ONE
aged women: Prudy (Penny's incredibly uptight and small-minded

mother), a sadistic gym teacher, a cop, and a sardonic prison matron
THE DYNAMITES A trio of ultra-glamorous black divas who emerge from

a poster to be the magical hostesses of Tracy and Edna's whirlwind visit
to the emerging Swinging Sixties
"Good Morning Baltimore" "The Nicest Kids in Town" "(Mama) I'm a Big
Girl Now"
"I Can Hear the Bells"
TRACY & COMPANY CORNY COLLINS & COMPANY
EDNA, TRACY. PRUDY. PENNY. VELMA, AMBER, & COMPANY
TRACY & COMPANY
THE COUNCIL MEMBERS
"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" VELMA
PATTERSON PARK HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS DENIZENS OF

BALTIMORE
"Nicest Kids in Town" (reprise) "It Takes Two"·
"Velma's Revenge"
CORNY COLLINS & COMPANY

LINK, TRACY, & MEN
VELMA
"Welcome to the '60s" TRACY, EDNA, & COMPANY
"Run and Tell That!" SEAWEED, LITTLE INEZ, & COMPANY
"Big, Blonde, & Beautiful" MOTORMOUTH, TRACY, EDNA, & COMPANY
"The Big Dollhouse"
ACT TWO
WOMEN
"Good Morning Baltimore" (reprise)
TRACY
xvi
"(You're) Timeless to Me" EDNA & WILBHR "Without Love" TRACY, LINK,
PENNY, SEAWEED, & COMPANY
"I Know Where I've Been" MOTORMOUTH & COMPANY "(It's) Hairspray"
CORNY & COMPANY "Cooties" AMBER & COUNCIL MEMBERS
"You Can't Stop the Beat" (part 1) FULL COMPANY
"You Can't 91op the Beat" (part 2) FULL COMPANY
ACT ONE
PROLOGUE
(The CURTAIN rises on TRACY TURN BLAD in her bed. The time is
around 7AM on a Monday morning in early June of 1962.)
"Good Morning Baltimore"
TRACY
Oh, oh, oh Woke up today
Feeling the way I always do Oh, oh, oh
Hungry for something that I ca n't eat
Then I hea r the beat
That rhyth m of town Starts calling me down
It's like a message from high.above Oh, oh, oh
Pulling me out
To the smiles and the streets that I love
Good morning Baltimore Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony
Good morning Baltimore And some day
When I take to the floor
BACKUP
Good morning Baltimore

Aah-aah... Fa ntasy
Good morning Baltimore Ooh-ooh
The world's gonna wake up and see Aah-see-ee·
Balti more and me
HAIRSPRAY
4 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Wittman HAIRSPRAY
TRACY (conti n ued)
And I promise Baltimore That some day
When Ita ke to the floor
The world's gonna wake u p and see Gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me
BACKU P (conti n ued)
Ipromise Baltimore
Take to the floor Wah...see
Gon na wake up and see
SCENE ONE
.( rv Station WZZT and the TURNBLAD home simultaneously. M onday

afternoon.)
"The Nicest Kids in Town"

Baltimore and me... Ba ltimore and me...
Yes, more or less we all agree Someday the world is
gonna see
...And me...
O'Donnell, Meehan, 9hairnan, and Wittman
CORNY
Hey there, Teena ge Ba ltimore! Don't cha nge that cha n nel! 'Cause it's
time for The Corny Collins
Show IBrought to you by U ltra Cl utch Ha irspray! For ha i r that holds u

p even i n a NASA wind tu n nell
Ev'ry afternoon
When the clock strikes four
A crazy bunch of kids
Crash through that door, yah
They throw off their coats And leave the squares behind And then they
shake it,
Shake it, shake it
Like they're losing their mind You'll never see them frown 'Cause they're
The nicest kids in town

Every afternoon
You turn your TV on
HAIR9PRAY
BACKUP
Oh-oo-00-00-00-oo-oo-oo
Oh-00-00-00-oo-oo-oo-oo
Oh-oo-00-00-00-oo-oo-oo Hoot hoot hoot hoo-oot
Bop-be-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba
Bop-be-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba
Ow-oot
Hoot, ow-oot Ow-oot, ow-oot
...Nicest kids in town
Na, na, na, na, na,
na-na-na-na
image
CORNY (contin ued) And we know you Turn the sound up
When your parents are gone BACKUP (contin ued)

Na, na, na, na, na,
na-na-na-na
And then you
EDNA: Fou r o'clock. G uess I don't need to ask who got detention again.
Tracy Tu rn blad, m ind you r ma n ners and say hello to
our guest.
TRACY: Hel lo, M rs. Pi ngl eton.
EDNA: And you, Pen ny?
Twist and shout
For you r favorite star And once you've Practiced every step That's in
your repertoire
You better come on down And meet the
Nicest kids in town
Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh Ooh
PENNY: Hello, Mrs. Pingleton ... I mea n... Mother.
EDNA: (to PRUDY) Teenagers. They just love watchi ng that Corny Col l i
ns.
PRUDY: Del inq uents. It a i n't right danci ng to that colored music.
EDNA: Don't be silly, it a i n't colored. The w's bl ack and white.
TRACY: H u rry, Pen ny, h u rry-the show's a lready started! We're gonna
miss it!
(PRUDY exits with her bundle, shaking her head in disapproval.)
PENNY: I'm h u rryi ng, Tracy, but my mother says I 'm not a llowed to
perspi re!
TRACY: C'mon!
PRUDY: Ed na, is my la u nd ry ready?
EDNA: (EDNA is slaving away at her ironing board next to a huge stack
of laundry. PRUDV is picking up her laundry.) Who wa nts to know? Sure
it is, hon. Come on u p. That'l l be th ree doll a rs.
PRUDY: (digging in her purse ) That's pretty pricey for a few pa i rs of

petti pa nts.
EDNA: I'm sorry, Prudy Pingleton, but there were some extra
cha rges. Some of you r persona l stains req ui red pou nd ing on a rock.
(TRACV and PENNY enter.)
TRACY: I 'm home!
8 O'Donnell, Meehan, Shaiman, and Wittman
CORNY
Nice white kids

Who like to lead the way And once a month
We have our Negro Day!
And I'm the man
Who keeps it spinni n' 'round . Mr. corny Collins
With the latest, greatest
Baltimore sound! !
So every afternoon Drop everythi ng
Who needs to read and write When you can dance an!l sing
HAIRSPRAY
BACKUP
Hoo-hoo Hoo-hoo Hoo-hoo
...Negro Day! Aah, ah
Ah
Huh! Hu h! Wooo!
...Sou-ound
Bop-be-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, be-ba
Bop-be-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, be-ba

image
CORNY (contin ued)
Forget about your algebra And calcu l us
You can always do you r homework On the morning bus
Can't tell a verb from a noun They're the nicest kids in.town
CORNY & KIDS: Rol l ca l l!! AMBER: I 'm Am ber!
BRAD: Brad!
BACKUP (contin ued) Ow-oot
Hoot, ow-oot Ow-oot, ow-oot
Oh-oo-oo-00-00-00-oo-oo
(QRNY (contin ued)
And the bass and dru ms Are pounding in your head
Who cares about sleep
When you can snooze in school
They'll never get to college But they sure look cool
Don't need a cap and a gown 'Cause they're the
BACKUP (conti n ued) Aah, aah, aah, aah
Mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony
How-oot! Hoot, ow-oot!
ow-oot, ow-oop!
TAMMY: Ta m my!
Nicest kids in town ...Nicest kids in town
FEN DE R: Fender! BREN DA: Brenda! SKETCH: Sketch l
SHELLEY: Shelley!
They're the Nicest, nicest They're the Nicest, nicest They're the
Sugar and spice-est, nicest Kids in town
...Kids in
Kids in town -hoot!
IQ:IQ!
Lou AN N: Lou An n! LIN K: And I'm... Li n k!
TRACY: Oh, Li n k, kiss me aga i n and aga i n!
EDNA: Tu rn that racket down. I'm trying to iron i n here.
CORNY
CORNY: And that was ou r new dance of the week-the "Stricken

Chicken."We'll be right back.
(Lights shift in the rv studio.)
VE LMA: And we're off! Al l right, people, how ma ny times do I have to

tell you? We do not touch ou rselves- anywhere- wh ile on camera. Ta m
my, lose the pad ding. You too, Fender.
(The kids sheepishly turn away to remove their padding from bra and
pants, respectively.)
And Li n k, stop hoggi ng the camera; you're not Elvis yet.
So, if every night you're shaking As you lie in bed
Aa h Aah
Mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony

Amber... Hog the ca mera.
AMBER: Yes, Mother.
10 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Willman
HAIRSPRAY
image
VELMA: And you, Mr. Colli ns! None of that Detroit sou nd today.
You have somethi ng aga i nst Con n ie Fra ncis?
CORlllY: The kids a re just over the moon for rhyth m and bl ues Vel ma.
They can't get enough. '
VELMA: They're kids, Corny.That's why we have to steer them i n t he

white d irection ... I mea n ...you know what I mea n.
Lmrn::Am ber, I've got someth ing for you.
(offers his ring)
I figu red, since we've been going together sort of... stead ily... maybe we
should ma ke it officia l. .
AMBER: Oh, Li n k. You r Cou ncil Mem ber ring. How sweet. And it
matches my ha i r color exactly!
( They kiss.)
VELMA: Ah, ah, a h! None of that I Save you r persona l lives for the ca
mera! And we're back in five...four...th ree...
(The lights change to indicate that they're back on the air.)
COR NY: Now don't forget, guys and Gidgets- ou r very first
pri me-ti me spectacula r is coming up on J u ne 6'". We'll be live at Ba

ltimore's bra nd-new Eventori u m broadcasti ng nationwid e!
Ta l ent scouts wil l be on ha nd from a ll of the major record
la bels, and sponsoring the event wil l be none other tha n our own_ U
ltra Clutch Ha irspray. So, let's give a great big fawning
Ba ltimore sa l ute to the President of Ultra Clutch, Ha rrima n F. Spritzer.
(SPRITZE R nervously steps out and waves to the room.)
SPRITZER: Ultra Cl utch is ha ppy to bri ng you fine you ngsters to

nationa l attention.
ALL: Ou r big brea k!

CORNY: Also, l ive on the specia l, we'll be crown ing you r choice for
Miss Teenage Ha i rspray 1962!
AMBER: My big brea k!
EDNA: (looking at the television) Wel l, isn't she a lovely slim gi rl.
TRACY: (to PEN NY) I guess Am ber's pretty but she ca n't dance. PEN
NY: Plastic little spastic.
TRACY: Oh nol I'm gon na kil l myself. Look! She's wea ri ng Li n k's
council ri ng!
AMBE R: (reading from a cue card) Hey, gang, don't forget to watch
Mom and me next Th u rsd ay on Mother-Da ughter Day.And I
wa nt to be you r Miss Teenage Hairspray. Remem ber, a vote for me

from you is a vote for me.
CORNY: What an u nexpected ad lib, Am ber. And speaki ng of expecti

ng the u nexpected, our own fu n-lovi ng, freewheel ing Brend a will be
ta ki ng a littleJeave of a bsence from the show. How long wil l you be
gone, B'renda?
BRENDA: Ni ne months.
COR NY: So, it seems we'll have an opening for a gi rl who is just as fu n
loving, but maybe not quite as freewheeli ng. Wa n na be one of the
nicest kids i n town? Cut school tomorrow a nd come on down to station
wzzr to aud ition!
TRACY: Ohmigod! It's the drea m of a lifeti me. I have to go aud ition.
PEN NY:Oh migod! It's t he drea m of a l ifetime. I have to go watch you a

ud ition.
EDNA: (snapping off the rv) That'l l be enough of that for one day. No
one is aud itioni ng for anythi ng. There'll be no cutting school i n this
house.
HAIRSPRAY
image
PE N NY: But M rs. Tu rn bl ad...
EDNA: Pen ny, go tel l you r mother she wa nts you.
/PEN NY: She does? I better h u rry. Bye, Mrs. Tu rn blad. Bye, Tracy.
(PENNY runs into WILBUR as he enters.)
WILBUR: Whoa! Rush hou r traffic! Hiya lad ies. Since I got that
new shipment of exploding bu bble gu m, busi ness downsta i rs is boom
i ng! How are my two fun ny honeys?
EDNA: Oh, stop, Wil bu r. You're the fu n ny one.
TRACY: Daddy, tomorrow I'm aud ition ing to dance on TV show.
EDNA: You're going to have to go fu rther tha n that to get arou nd me,
you ng lady. No one's a ud itioni ng for anyth ing. And what
did I tel l you about that ha ir? All ratted u p l i ke a teenaged Jezebel.
TRACY: Mother, you a re so fifties. Even ou r first lady, Jackie B. Ken

nedy, rats her ha i r.
EDNA: Yea h? Well, you a i n't no fi rst l ady, are ya? She's a ha ir hopper-
that's what got her put i n detention aga i n.
(taking WILBUR aside)
Wil bu r, ta l k to her. Girls l i ke Tracy... People li ke us...You know what

I'm saying. They don't put people l i ke us on TV-Exce pt to be laughed
at.
WILBUR: Tracy, this TV th ing...You rea lly wa nt it?
TRACY: It's my drea m, Dad dy.
(Pause)
WILBUR: Then you go for itl This is America, ba be. You gotta th i n k big
to be big.
14 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haitnan, and Wittman
EDNA: Bei ng big is not the problem, Wilbu r.
WILBUR: When I was you r age my pa rents begged me to ru n away with

the circus, but I sa i d, "No. That's what you wa nt. I have drea ms of my
own." I drea mt of openi ng a cha i n of joke shops worldwide. So, okay,
I've stil l only got one, but some day, if / can figu re out how to keep the
air from lea ki ng out of my sofa-sized Whoopee Cushion, I'm going to
ma ke a noise hea rd 'rou nd the world!
(EDNA screams with delight!)
You follow you r drea m, ba by. I 'm gra bbi n' an Ora nge Crush and
headi ng back down to the Ha r-De-Ha r Hut. I've got my dream ... And I
wuv it!
EDNA: (laughing again) You're not hel pi ng, Wil bu r!
(WILBUR exits and TRACY follows.)
TRACY: Tha n ks, Daddy.
EDNA: Tracy, come back u p here. I've got ha m pers of la u nd ry and

my d i et pill is wea ri ng off /
TRACY: But, Ma ma I wa nt to be fa mous.
EDNA: You wa nt to be famous? Lea rn how to get bl ood out of ca r u

pholstery. Now that's a skil l you could ta ke right to the ba n k. You thin
k Iwa nted to spend my l ife wash ing and i roni ng other people's clothi
ng? No, I wa nted to design them. Ithought I would be the biggest th ing i
n brassieres. Well, you dea l with what l ife gives you. Now start fold ing.
TRACY: Ugh.
(Focus shifts to PENNY and PRUDY.)
PENNY: But Mom, a ll I was doing was watchi ng Corny Colli ns over at
Tracy's.
HAIRSPRAY I!
image
PRU DY: Did n't I forbid you from listeni ng to race m usic? Oh, if the
police ever locate you r father he'll pu nish you good.
(Focus shifts to AMBER and VELMA.)
VELMA: You r danci ng was atrocious today, Am ber. I'm willing to l ie,
cheat, a nd steal to wi n you that Miss Ha irspray crown, but you've got
to work with me. Now let me at that zit!
MOMS
Stop!
PEN NY
SCENE TWO
"Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now"

EDNA: Stop! That's no way to treat clea n clothes. One day you'll
own "Edna's Occidenta l a u nd ry."Will you be ready?
TRACY: I hope not.
PRUDY: Don't contrad ict me! VELMA: Don't disobey me!
EDNA: Don't even th in k about going to that aud ition.
GIRLS: Please! MoMs: No!
GIRLS: Mother!!!!
Stop telling me what to do
MOMS
Don't!
AMBER
Don't treat me l ike a child of two
MOMS
No!
TRACY
Iknow that you want what's best

MOMS
Please?
TRACY
But Mother, please
ALL
Give it a rest! !!
MOMS
Stop! Don't! No!
GIRLS
r Please!
L'
MOMS
Stop! Don't! Nol
HAIRSPRAY
CiiRLS
Please!
Mc1111s
Stop! Don't! Nol
GIRLS
Please!
Ma ma, I'm a big girl now!
(Scene shifts to the GIRLS' bedroom vanities.)
TRACY BACKUP
PE N NY (conti n ued)
And you're so twisted too-oo Wa-oh-oh-oh-oh
TRACY
Once I used to fidget 'Cause I just sat home
AMBER
But now I'm just like Gidget And I gotta get to Rome!
BACKUP (contin ued) Ooh's...
Ooh's...
Once upon a time
When I was just a kid You never Jet me do
Just what the older kids did But lose that lau nd ry list
Of what you won't allow 'Ca use Mama,
I'm a big girl now
AMBER
Once upon a time
I used to play with toys
But now I'd rather play around With teenage boys
So, if I get a hickey, Please don't have a cow 'Cause Ma ma,
I'm a big girl now
PEN NY
Ma, I gotta tell you That without a doubt I get my best
Da nci ng lessons from you You're the one who taught me How to "Twist
and Shout" Because you shout non-stop
Ooh's...
...Mama
I'm a big girl now
Ooh's...
...Mama
I'm a big girl now
Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh's...
Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh's...

PE N NY
So say, arrivederci!
TRACY
Tood le-loo!
AMBER
And Ciao!
ALL GIRLS
'Cause Mama,
I'm a big girl now
ALL
Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Mama, I'm a big girl now
TRACY
Once u pon a time
I was a shy young thing Could barely wal k and ta l k So much as dance
and sing But let me hit that stage
I wanna take my bow
Ooh's...
Ooh's...
Ooh's...
...Mama
I'm a big girl now Ooh, ooh, ooh
Hey Ma ma, say Mama Ooh's...
18 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Willman
HAIRSPRAY
image
TRACY (contin ued) 'Cause Ma ma,
I'm a big girl now
AMlilEll
Wa-oh-oh-oh-oh Once upon a time
I used to dress up "Ken" But now that I'm a woma n I l ike bigger men
And I don't need a Barbie Doll To show me how
'Cause Ma ma,
I'm a big girl now

Au Gnus
Ma, you always ta ught me What was right from wrong
And now I just wanna give it a try Ma ma, I've been in the nest
For far too long
So please give a push
And Mama, watch me fly
AMBER
Watch me fly
PEN NY
One day I will meet a man You won't condemn
AlllllllER
And we will have some kids And you can tortu re them
TRACY
But let me be a star Before I ta ke that bow
BACKU P (contin ued)
...Mama
I'm a big girl now
Ooh's...
...Mama
I'm a big girl now.
Oh, oh, oh, wa Ooh...
...Give it a try Wa, ooh's...
And Mama, watch me fly
Hey Ma ma, say Mama Ooh's...
Ooh's...
Ooh's...
II
I.
!r:- .
t:
I'
ALL GIRLS
'Cause Ma ma,
I'm a big girl now

PEN NY
Oh-oh-oh
ALL GIRLS
Mama,
I'm a big girl now
AMBER
Hey-hey-hey
ALL GIRLS
Ma ma,
I'm a big girl now
AMBER
Ooh, such a big, big gi rl!
ALL GIRLS
I'm a big gi rl now...
ALL
Stop! Don't! Nol Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Mama, I'm a big girl now! !I
(End of Scene Two)
BACKU P (conti n ued) Mama

I'm a big girl now
Mama
I'm a big girl now
Mama
I'm a big girl now
Ooh!
20 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haitnan, and Wi!ttnan
I HAIRSPRAY 21
image
SCENE THREE THE AUDITION
( The TV station. The COUNCIL MEMBERS and VELMA sit behind a long
table.)
Lou ANN: That's it, Mrs.Von Tussle. She was the last candidate.
VELMA: Really? That's all? Who \JVOUld've guessed that Baltimore girls
were all such skags? My,how this town has gone downhill since Iwas
crowned Miss Baltimore Crabs.
{TRACY and PENNY enter, out of breath. The COUNCIL
starts to break up.)
TRACY: Phew! I thought we'd never get here. Stupid bus crash!
PENNY: All my life Iimagined what this.place would look like. This isn't it.
TRACY: (to VELMA) Hi there. Am I too late to audition? VELMA:

(dismissing her) Not too late, dear. Just too much. PENNY: Tracy.Look,
it's Link!
TRACY: Link Larkin. So near, and yet so gorgeous.
LINK: I know,those girls were all over me. Idon't know how Rock Hudson
stands it.
(And he walks right into TRACY.)
Excuse me, little darlin', I hope I didn't dent your 'do. (ALLfreeze except
TRACY and PENNY.)
"I Can Hear the Bells"
TRACY
Ican hear the bells
PENNY: Tracy, are you all right?
HAIRSPRAY
image
TRACY
Don't 'cha hear 'em chime
PENNY: I don't hea r anyth i ng. TRACY
Can't 'cha hea r my heartbeat Keeping perfect time
And all beca use he
Touched me
He looked at me and stared, yes he Bu m ped me
My hea rt was unprepared when he Tapped me
And knocked me off my feet One little touch
Now my life's complete 'cause when he
N udged me
Love put me in a fix, yes it Hit me
Just l ike a ton of bricks, yes my Hea rt burst
Now I know what life's about One little touch
And love knocked me out and,
TRACY (conti n ued) BACKU P (conti n ued) Just hear them .chiming
I can hear the bells I can hear the bells
My temprature's clim bing I can't contain my joy
'Cause I fin'ly found the boy I've been missin'
Listen, I can hear the bells
Ah's...
Round one Round one
He'll ask me on a date and then
Round two Round two
I'll primp but won't be late because
Round th ree's Rou nd three When we kiss inside his car
Won't go all the way
But I'll go pretty far then
Round four Round four
He'll ask me for my hand and then

Round five Round five
We'll book the wedding band so by
Round six Round six
Am ber, much to your surprise This heavyweight champion
Takes the prize and Takes the prize and
I can hear the bells My head is spinning I can hear the bells
Something's begin ning Everybody says
That a girl who looks like me Can't win his love
Well, just wait and see 'Cause I can hea r the bells
BACKUP
I can hea r the bells
I can hear the bells Ican hear the bells My ears are ringing
The bride's maids are singing
COU NCI LETTES
Everybody says Ah's...
That a guy who's such a gem
Won't look my way

But the laugh's on them 'cause
HAIRSPRAY
image
TRACY (contin ued) I can hear the bells
My father will smile I can hear the bells
As he walks me down the aisle My mother starts to cry
But I can't see 'ca use Link and I Are French kiss.in'
Listen, I can hear the bells
I can hear the bells My head is reeling
I can't stop the pealing
Everybody warns
That he won't like what he'll see But I know that he'll look
Inside of me, yeah
Today'sjust the start 'ca use I can hea r the bells
And till death do us pa rt
And even when we die
We'll look down from up above Remembering the night
That we two fell in love We both will share a tear
And he'll whisper as we're reminisin' Listen!
I can hear the bells I can hear the bells I can hear the bells
BACKU P
I can hea r the bells I can hea r the bells
Ah...ah...ah...ah... I can hea r the bells
I can hear the bells

Ah ...
Ah...
Ah ...ah
. Inside of me, yeah
Oo...oo...
Oo...oo...
Oo...oo...
...Two fell in love
...Nisin'
She can hear the bells She can hear the bells Bong
Bong Bong Bong
(The song ends. The CoU NCILETTES, led by AMBE R,
interrogate TRACY.)
AMBER: And what are you doing here?
TRACY: I came to aud ition for Corny. My na me is Tracy Tu rn blad.
And, l i ke you, I go to Patterson Pa rk High ...
Lou ANN: I've seen you.

AMBER: Who could m iss her? Aren't you usually in detention about
now?
TRACY: I cut school to come down here. Isn't that too cool? I'm a little
nervous, can I start over. I assu re you I'l l calm down, right after I have a
hea rt attack!! .
(music in)
Wel l, I brought my own 45s, so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff!
Lou ANN: Haven't you a lready shown us enough?
( The COUNCI LETTES snicker.)
"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs"
VELMA
Oh my God
How times have changes This girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to ha lt
When I was "Miss Balti more Crabs"
TRACY: It's been my childhood drea m to dance on this show! AMBER:

Well, maybe you oughta go back to sleep!
26 O'Donnell, Meehan, !lhairnan, and Wittman
HAIR9PRAY
image
VELMA
Childhood dreams For me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple Stole my frickin' act
But the crown's in the va ult
From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs" Those poor run ner-ups
Might still hold. some grudges
They padded their cups But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance Ha! Not a chance!
'Cause I hit the stage Batons ablaze
While singing "Aida"

And preparing cheese souffles! But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched "Miss Ba ltimore Crabs"
(to the COU NCI LETTES)
Fi re away, girls!
TAMMY
You're too wide from the back
AMBER
Honey, look at her front!
VE LMA
Wait, are we on "Cand id Camera"? Ok, where is Allen Funt?
AMBER
Do J!OU dance like you dress?
LI N K
Girls, there's no need to be cruel!
VELMA: Wou ld you swim i n a n integrated pool?
(The music stops dead and the COU NCI L gasps in shock.)
TRACY: I sure wou ld. I'm a ll for integration. It's the New Frontier!
VELMA: Not i n Ba lti more it isn't.

TRACY: U m, where's Corny? I'd love to dance for hi m.
VELMA: I 'm the prod ucer and may I be fran k?
(music back in, ominously building, building)
VELMA COU NCI L MEMBE RS
First impressions can be tough Ooh's And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough That last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout You'll never be "in"
VELMA & COU NCIL MEMBE RS
So we're kicki ng you out!
VELMA
With your form and your face Well, it isn't your fault
You're just caught in a case of "Miss...
VE LMA & COU NCI L MEMBE RS
Baltimore...
VELMA
...Crabs!"
You're free to go.
28 O'Donnell, Meehan, !:lhaiman, and Willman
HAIRSPRAY
image
TRACY: U h, tha n k you?
PEN NY: I cou l d tell they secretly liked you.
(LITTLE I N EZ runs on.)
LITTLE IN EZ: Hello Ma'a m, may I please aud ition ?
VnMA: Of cou rse not!
But you can bow and exalt
'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore...
VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS
...Crabs"
( The scene shifts as TRACY and LITTLE I N EZ step down stage and
pass one other.)
TRACY & LITTLE IN EZ
I know every step
I know every song
I know there's a place where I belong...
TRACY: (she reaches the mirror) Why do they have to be so mea n?

"You're short, you're stout, you're not Cou ncil materia l." I wea r the l
atest fashfons, I keep u p with all the styles. I'm teasing my ha i r as h igh
as I can I
(She sprays her hair with hairspray.)
Will they give me a cha nce? Encou ragement? Appreciation? No, all I
ever hea r is. . .
30 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9hairnan, and Wittman
SCENE FOUR DETENTION
(PRI NCI PAL and TRACY are isolated in a spotlight.)
PRINCI PAL: Tracy Tu rn blad, once aga i n you r mon u mental . ha i r-d
on't has seriously obstructed everyone's view of the black boa rd. As Pri
nci pal of Patterson Pa rk High, I condem n you to th ree more days of
detention!
(Lights up on TRACY in detention. Around her are
SEAWEE D, LORRAI N E, GI LBERT, THAD, DUA N E, and STODIE,
asleep at his desk. LORRAI NE is at the blackboard writing repeatedly, "I

will not talk in speech class.")
TRACY: Detention! Is there no pity for a teen just tryi ng to fit in?
SEAWEED: Maybe you oughtn't try so ha rd?
TRACY: Excuse me. You get d tention just about every time I do, and I've
never seen you com pl a i n.
SEAWEED: Oh, but I d o. This is ,my way of com pla i ni ng.
(SEAWE E D turns on a small transistor radio. M usic starts and he does

a soulful little dance.)
It's how I use my bl ues.
DUAN E: Use them bl ues, brother. You gotta use 'em to lose 'em. ·
TRACY: Hey, that move's swift.
SEAWEED: The ma n can d ine me on a d iet of detention so long as he

don't sta rve me of my tu nes.
(another step )
Here's a little something-somethi ng signified to say, "Hello, my na me's

Seaweed J. Stubbs. What's you rs?"
TRACY: That's u n bel ieva ble. Can I do that?
. HAIR9PRAY
image
SEAWEED: I don't know. Ca n you?
(TRACY and SEAWEE D dance together.) .
TRACY: Hel lo. My na me is Tracy Tu rn blad.
CimllERT: Not bad for a white gi rl.
SEAWEED: Ai n't.no black and white i n here. Detention is a ra i n bow

experience.
(SEAWEE D does another step.)
TRACY: What's that step?
SEAWEED: Oh this? I ca ll this one "Peyton Pl ace aft\!r Mid night." I use
it to attract the opposite sex.
(TRACY jum ps in with him.)
Fea rless, gi rl. V9u rea lly got it going on.
TRACY: Yes IThis progra m'sjoi n ing you a lready i n progress.

(TRACY suddenlyfreezes with recognition.)
Oh my God! I just rea l ized who you a re. I 've seen you dance on Negro
Day.
LORRAINE: Of cou rse you have. His mom hosts the show.
TRACY: Your mom is Motormouth Maybelle, the 01? That ma kes you li
ke roya lty! Negro Day is the best. I wish every day was Negro Day.
SEAWEED: At our house it is.
TRACY: Wa it! Corny Colli ns is hosti ng the sophomore hop tomorrow n

ight. If he saw me danci ng like th is with you, maybe he'd put me on his
show.
GILBERT: If you two dance together i n pu blic, the on ly showyou'll
get on is the eleven o'clock news.
32 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9hairnan, and Wiflrnan
SEAWEED: So, how you feeli ng about detention now?
TRACY: I 'm a bad, bad gi rl who needs to be pu nished!
( They all begin to dance. The PRI NCI PAL walks in on them.)
PRINCIPAL: Smiling, laughi ng, danci ng i n detention? Tracy
Tu rn blad, you can give u p a ll hopes of college. I'm putti ng you i n

Specia l Ed with the rest of these cha racters!
TRACY: Special Ed? What do you do i n Special Ed i
STOOIE: We do m usica ls!

ALL: Wa h-hoo!
(The school bell rings.) (End of Scene Four)
HAIR9PRAY
image
SCENE FIVE THE MADISON
(Patterson Park High School gymnasium. CORNY takes the

microphone.)
CORNY: Hey, there, sophomores and sophomores at hea rt! I'm honored
to be you r guest DJ here at PPHS. So with no fu rther ado-d o, l et's do-
do some da nci ng. It's the hottest dance around and it was born right
here i n Ba lti more. What's it ca lled, kids?
STUDENTS: The Mad ison!

CORNY: And where'd you see it fi rst? STUDENTS: The Corny Collins
Show!
CORNY: Let's form two big, strong l ines- it's Mad ison time! Go!
(The KI DSform lines and dance.)
STUDENTS
Baby don't sleep. Baby don't eat.
Baby just likes to do the boi n k-boink.
(TRACY enters with SEAWEED.)
STUDENTS ( under dialogue) TRACY
B<iby don't call. Hu rry, Seaweed, the dance has
Baby won't meet. a l ready started! Ba by just likes to do the boi n k-

boink.
I try to lie down
But she's always on her feet To do the boi nk-boink.
SEAWEED
All right, but remem ber, you gotta dance with your crowd and I gotta
dance with m ine.
TRACY: Oh look, it's the Mad ison, my favorite I
SEAWEED: You keep you r eye on Corny.This could be you r big cha nce.
HAIRSPRAY
image
TRACY: Then you better keep an eye on me.
CORNY: Now when I say "Hit it," show me a big, bad Balti more Box... Hit
it!
( The KI DS do the dance.)
{TRACY insinuates herself in...)
Sn.1DE111n
Boink, boink.
LITTLE IN EZ: How come we a lways have to dance i n the back?
SEAWEED: I don't know. There's them and there's us. That's just the way
it is.
CORNY: When I say "Hit it," ta ke it to the basket li ke Wilt the Stilt... H it
it! (to AMBER) Am ber, who's you r friend ? She's li ke a breath of fresh
mou nta i n ai r.
AMBER: You got the mou nta i n pa rt right. Oin k-oi n k.

CORNY: Now when I say "Hit it," let's ta ke a drive down Dru id
Hill. .. Hit it! Ha ng a right ...feed the mon key... he's i n the back seat.
(ALL dance.)
STU DE NTS
Boin k, boink.
L11111<: (to TRACY) Hey, little da rlin'. Haven't we met somewhere?
TRACY: Li n k La rki n actually spoke to me. I'l l never wash this ea r

again.
CORNY: When I say ''.Hit it," let's ma ke li ke J ackie G leason hom mi na,
hom mi na, hom mina ... Hit it!
(Au start step.)
36 O'Dohhell, Meehah, 9haimah, ahd Wittmah
ALL: And away we go!
TRACY: Hi, Corny!
CORNY: Hey, cu pca ke. What's you r na me?
TRACY: (as she does the "My Name Is" step) I'm Tracy Tu rn blad.
CORNY: What else have you got hid ing i n those Buster Browns?
TRACY: Well, here's one I pi cked u p i n detention. It's called "Peyton

Place after Mid night." I use it to attract the opposite sex.
SEAWEED: Hey, hey, hey! Check her out everybody!

{TRACY does the step as the KI DSjoin in.)
L11111<: That girl's as free as the wi nd. AMBER: Everybody stop l i king
her!!!!
CORNY: Okay everybody, let's ta ke it home. Crazy!
(The KI DS do the M adison.) '
And that, Balti moria ns, is how we do the Mad ison.
HAIRSPRAY
image
SCENE SIX SUCCESS
STUDENTS
Oh-oo-oo-oo-00-00-00-oo
Oh-00-00-00-oo-oo-oo-oo
Oh-oo-oo-00-00-00-oo-oo Hoot hoot hoot hoo-oot
CORNY: Hey,there teenage Baltimore. You're just in time for The Corny
Collins Show!
SPRITZER: Brought to you by Ultra Clutch! CORNY: And it tastes good

too.
Today's jam-packed edition will feature Link Larkin singing a special

request Top 40 hit "It Takes Two." So, Jet the party begin!
(Focus shifts to the TURNBLAD home.)
PENNY: Hurry, Miz Turnblad! Hurry,Mr.Turnblad! Come see what's on TV.
WILBUR: ( entering hurriedly) Penny Pingleton, this better be important.
PENNY: It is!
EDNA: Oh no. Don't tell me Khrushchev has his shoes off again!
"Nicest Kids in Town" (reprise)
ALL: Roll Calli! AMBER: I'm Amberl BRAD: Brad!
HAIRSPRAY
image
TAMMY: Ta m my! FEN DE R: Fender! BREN DA: Brend a!
SKETCH: Sketch!
CORNY (continued) They're the
Nicest, nicest
They're the
Sugar and spice-est, nicest Kids in town
BACKUP (contin ued) Oh-00-00-00-00-00-00 Oh-00-00-00-00-00-

00
Kids in...
Kids in town -hoot!
SHELLEY: Shelley!
IQ: I Q!
Lou ANN: Lou An n!
LINK: Li n k!
TRACY: And I'm ...Tracy!
(WILBU R, EDNA, and PE N NY shriek.)
CORNY & KIDS
So, if every night you're shaking
CORNY: Yea h! And that was our dance of the week-"Peyton Place after
Mid night," introd uced to you by ou r bra nd new Cou ncil mem ber, Miss
Tracy Tu rn blad.
EDNA: Oh, my word! Tracy! Live i n our own livi ng room!
WILBUR: I th i n k I 've seen her here before. PENNY: And she's going to
be a regul a r. EDNA: I magi ne, my l ittle gi rl, regul a r at last. PEN NY:
Hi, Tracy. It's me, Pen ny!
As you lie in bed
And the bass and drums Are pounding in your head
CORNY
Who cares about sleep
When you can snooze in school
They'll never get to college But they sure look cool
Don't need a cap and a gown 'Cause they're the
Nicest kids in town

They're the Nicest, nicest
WILBUR, EDNA, & PENNY
Go, Tracyl Go, go, Tracy!
BACKUP
How-oot! Hoot, ow-ootl
Ow-oot, ow-oop! !
Nicest kids in town
Oh-00-00-00-00-00-00 Oh-00-00-00-00-00-00
EDNA: She can't hea r you.
(The phone rings and she answers it.)
Hello? ...Yes, this is her child hood home. No, I'm not her father.
(Back to the show...)
CORNY: So let's wave a wistf ul bye-bye to Brenda -see you next yea r.
COUNCIL MEMBERS: (waving to BREN DA as she exns) Awww...
CORNY: ...a nd ina ugu rate the newest mem ber of our Cou nci l, Tracy
Tu rn blad! Cozy u p to old Corny a nd tell us about you rself, Trrrrace.
TRACY: Well, I go to Patterson Pa rk High, I watch you r show, and I do

absol utely noth ing else.
40 O'Donnell, Meehan, !lhaitnan, and Wittman
HAI RSPRAY 41
image
(ALL applaud and cheer.)
But someday I hope to be the first woma n president of the worl d or a

Rockette. You got to th i n k big to be big!
ICOIUllY: And if you were president, what wou ld you r first officia l act
be?
TRACY: Well, I'd ma ke every day Negro Day!
VELMA & SPRITZER: Aaaa i iiieeeee! !!!!
(SPRITZER runs off in horror, and VELMA follows.)
AMBER: Mother!
I.I N K
"It Takes Two"
BACKUP
Ooh oo oo oo oo ooh Ooh 00 00 oo
It ta-akes two
Ooh oo oo oo oo oo Ooh doo doo wop!
CORNY: I read you l i ke tomorrow's head l i nes, Trace! What do you say,
kids? Looks l i ke we m ight just have a hot new ca nd idate for Miss
Teenage Ha irspray.
AMBE R: (grabbing the microphone) No, she can't be Miss
Ha i rspray! She's the before i n the Metreca l diet ad, a nd I 'm the after,
and afters always win!
CORNY: Am ber, what a comed ia n! So, Tracy, tell us true, how woul d
you l i ke Li n k La rkin to sing a song just for you?
AMBER: (grabbing the microphone) Nol He can't beca use everyone

knows that whenever he sings, he's singi ng to me. He's com pletely
involved with me, see?
CORNY: Right. So, Tracy, tell us true, how wou ld you l i ke Lin k La rki n
to sing a song just for you ?
TRACY: Would I? Would I?
AMBER: (grabbing the microphone) You people a re ignori ng the laws of

natu re!
CORNY: Li n k La rki n, our own budd ing Elvis, will now sing to the eq ua
lly blooming Tracy Tu rn blad his version of th is week's Top 40 h it, "It Ta
kes Two."
42 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Wittman
They say it's a man's world Well, that cannot be denied But what goad's
a man's world Without a woman by his side And so I will wait
Until that moment you decide
That I'm your man And you're my girl That I'm the sea
And you're the pearl It ta kes two baby,
It takes two
A king ain't a king Without the pow'r behind
the throne
A prince is a pau per, babe Without a chick to call his own So please,
darling, choose me
I don't wa nna rule alone
Tell me I'm you r king And you're my queen That no one else
Can come between
HAIRSPRAY
...I'm your man And you're my girl
...I'm the sea
And you're the pearl It takes two-00-00

It takes two-oo Doo doo wop Ooh
Ooh
Ooh Ooh
Aa h-aah Aah-aah
...I'm you r king
And you're my queen That no one else
Can come between
image
LI N K (contin ued) It takes two, baby It takes two
BACKUP (contin ued) It takes two-00-00
It takes two-oo
LIN K S. TRACY
It takes two
Guys
...Two-00-00-00-00
Oo-00-00-ooh
Lancelot had Guinevere Mrs. Claus has old St. Nick Romeo had Juliet .
And Liz, she has her Dick
They say it takes two to ta ngo But that tango's child's play
So take me to the dance floor
And we'll twist the night away Just like Fra nkie Avalon
Has his favorite Mouseketeer I dream of a lover ba be
To say the things I long to hear So come closer, baby
Oh and whisper in my ear
TRACY
Yeah...
LI N K
That you're my girl _ And I'm your boy
That you're my pride And I'm you r joy
That I'm the sand

And you're the tide I'll be the groom
If you'll be my bride It ta kes two, baby
It takes two
It takes two, baby
Oo-don'cha know
Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot
Ow-oot, hoot, hoot, hoo-oo Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot
Ow-oot, hoot, hoot, hoo-oo Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot
Ow-oot, aah aah aah ooh Aah aah aah aah
Aah aah aah aab Ooh
Ooh wa-ooh wa Ooh-00-00-00-ooh
...Wop wa Ooh-ooo Ooo-aah
TRACY & Ciuvs
...I'm your girl
..•You're my boy
.•.You're my pride
...I'm your1.oy
...I'm the sand
...You're the tide

...Be the groom
...Be my bride
It takes two-00-00-00 It takes two-00-00-00 Aah-aa h
(As the song is ending...TRACY kisses LI N K. Lights shift to "off

air."VELMA enters with SPRITZER nipping at her heels.)
SPRITZE R: Negro Day everyday? That chu bby Com m u nist gi rl and
kissi ng on the mouth with possi bly pa rted l i ps... I assu re you,
controversy is not what U ltra Cl utch wishes to promote.
CORNY: Negroes and ch u bby gi rls buy ha i rspray, too, Mr. Spritzer.
SPRITZER: M rs. Von Tussle, how do you pla n to ha nd l e th is?
VELMA: I pla n to sta rt by fi ri ng him!
CORNY: You can't fi re Corny Colli ns from The Corny Collins Show.
VELMA: Why not? They do it a ll the time on Lassie!
CORNY: Mr. Spritzer, to keep your a ud ience, you got to keep u p with
the times.
VELMA: This show's fi ne the way it is.
CORNY: Bri ngi ng Tracy on is just the begi n ning. I've got terrific ideas
for u pdati ng the show.
SPRITZE R: I'm getting one of my sick headaches. Is there a place where

I might l ie down ?
VE LMA: There's a bed i n my office.
(SPRITZER goes off. VELMA turns on COR NY.)

So you've got ideas, do you? And going beh ind my back to put this no-
ta l ent Com m ie on the show is one of them?
44 O'Donnell, Meehan, Shaiman, and Willman
HAIRSPRAY
image
CORNY: Da m n right, Vel ma. It's time we put kids on the show who look
l i ke the kids who watch the show.
VELMA: Not while I'm prod ucing it.
COR NY: I was thin ki ng it might be time to change that, too.
VELMA: Are you th reateni ng me, Col lins?

CORNY: Aw, you know me, Vel ma! On the other ha nd, I cou ld always ta
ke the show to Cha n nel 11.
(CORNY exits laughing.)
"Velma's Revenge"
VELMA
Oh my God
That snake that sings He's a puppet
But Ihold the purse and the strings God, I knew Negro Day
Would bring chaos and change Now he's pushing this pinko Who might
give us all mange
She's a blemish, a blackhead That m ust be expelled There's a standard

of bea uty That must be upheld
You can say I'm a bigot But it just isn't true
Look, I love Sammy Davis And he's black and a Jew!
But they better get set For a full-out assault
VELMA (conti n ued)
They should never have boiled Miss Baltimore Cra bs
(End of song. End of Scene Six.)
46 O'Donnell, Meehan, Shaiman, and Wittman HAIRSPRAY

image
SCENE SEVEN WELCOME TO THE SIXTIES
(The TURNBLAD home. EDNA isfrazzled from hours on the phone.)
EDlllA: (into the phone ) Yes. Tha n k you so m uch! ... I'm sure Tracy
appreciates you r vote for Miss Teenage Ha i rspray. Yes! And she loves
you too. Very m uch. Whoever you a re. Good bye!
(The phone rings again.)
This is crazy.
(answering)
Hello? What am I wea ri ng? A housecoat, scuffies, and Supp Hose.

What are you wea ri ng? Hello? Hello?
(Puzzled, she hangs up.)
TRACY: (bursting in excitedly) Ma ma, did you see, d id you see me?
EDNA: Of cou rse I d id. It was on television. I had to. The phone's been ri
ngi ng l i ke we was·a telethon. To thin k, the fruit of my wom b, a
beloved TV icon.
TRACY: So you're not mad?
EDNA: Mad? How could I be mad? You're famous! If you'd on ly told me

you was going to get on the show, I never would have said you could n't.
But sit...tell me, is fame a ll you thought it woul d be? Are you ha ppy,
honey?
TRACY: Yes, Ma ma. And I thin k I'm i n love.
EDNA: I know. I've been following. But you and I are going to
have to have a ta l k a bout crooners. You can lea rn a lot from the m ista
kes of Miss Debbie Reynolds.
(The telephone rings.)
There it goes aga i n.
HAIRSPRAY
------ --------------- ------------------------

TRACY: (answering the phone ) Hello? Yes, this is Tracy Tu rn blad.
Hello, Mr. Pi n ky.
TRACY
"Welcome to the 'SOs"
EDNA: (in an excited whisper) M r. Pi n ky? The Mr. Pi n ky? As i n "Mr. Pi

n ky's Hefty Hideaway- Qua lity Clothes for Qua ntity Ga ls"? That M r. Pi
n ky?
TRACY: You wa nt -to hi re me as you r exclusive spokesgi rl and fashion

effigy?
(to EDNA)
What's a n effigy?
(back on the phone)
That's very flatteri ng, but I'm afra id a ll busi ness m ust go
th rough my agent....It would be our pleasu re. We'll be right
Hey Mama, hey Mama, look arou nd Everybody's groovin' to a brand-

new sound Hey Ma ma, hey Mama, follow me
I know something's in you that you wan na set free
(A glamorous blackfemale trio magically step out of a poster that

promotes their upcoming concert.)
So let go, go, go of the past now Say hello to the love in your heart
Yes, Iknow that the world's been spinning fast now You gotta get
yourself a brand-new start
DYNAMITES
over, M r. Pi n ky. Good bye!
(TRACY hangs up the phone.)
EDNA: An agent! I don't know any agents. How about a nice ba il

bondsma n?
TRACY: Mother, put that thing down. I'm ta ki ng my new agent to the
Hefty Hideaway and then out on the town.
EDNA: Who? Me? Tracy Tu rn blad, fame has gone to you r head and left
you wacky.You need a top-shelf professiona l. Who ha nd led the Ga bor
sisters? Wel l, who did n't?
Hey Mama
Welcome to the sixties Oh-0-0-0-0
Oh Mama
Oh Mama Go, go, go!
BACKU P
Welcome to the sixties!
Welcome to the sixties!
Go, go, go!

Welcome to the sixties! Wo oo oo oo oo oh
Hey-a Mama Yeah, yeah, yea h Yeah, yeah, yea h
TRACY: Ma ma, there's a great big world out there I know noth ing about.
When th ings get rough, a gi rl needs her mother.
EDNA: Hon, I'l l be right beside you, if that's what you wa nt. And
together we'll claw you r way to the top. But can't we do it over the
phone? I haven't been out of this apa rtment since Ma mie Eisen hower
rol led her hose and bobbed her ba ngs.
(TRACY and EDNA hit the streets of Baltimore for a fashion and hair
make-over.)
TRACY
Hey Mama, hey Mama Take my hand
HAIRSPRAY
image
EDNA
First let's make a pit stop at The wiener stand
TRACY
Hey Mama, hey Mama Take a chance
Yeah, yeah, yea h Yeah, yeah, yeah
( They arrive at The Hefty Hideaway tofind MR. PI N KY
giving awayfree doughnuts.) ·
MR. PIN KY: Free jelly dough n uts whi le they l ast. Eat 'em u p, girls.
I've got ten tons of taffeta i nside.

EDNA
Tracy, it's been years
Since someone asked me to dance
TRACY & DYNAMITES
So let go, go, go
TRACY
Of the past now
TRACY & DYNAMITES
Say hello
TRACY
To the light in your eyes
Yes, Iknow that the world's spinning fast now
Ya gotta run the race to win the prize
ALL
Hey Mama, welcome to the sixties Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh Mama, welcome to the sixties Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Go Mama, go, go, go!
Welcome to the sixties Oh oh oh oh oh
Hey Mama
DYNAMITES
Hoo hoo hoo Ooh ooh ooh
TRACY: Hello, Mr. Pin ky. I'm Tracy.
MR. PIN KY: There's my shining sta r! Television doesn't do you justice.
EDNA: Oh, Mr. Pin ky, you certa inly picked a lovely gi rl to put the pl us i
n you r pl us-sizes.
MR. PIN KY: Now, Tracy, th is can't be you r agent. She m ust be you r
gorgeous big sister.
EDNA: (squealing with delight) Why, Mr. Pi n ky, you're twisting my head!
I'm not her gorgeous big sister, I'm...
MR. PIN KY: . ..54 Dou bl e D?
EDNA: Tri ple El !!
MR. PIN KY: Oh, ma ma, I've h it the motherlodel Step inside and let's ma
ke a dea l.
(MR. PI N KY and EDNA disappear into the store.)
ALL
You r ma ma's welcom ing the sixties Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Your mama's welcoming the sixties Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Go Mama, go, go, go!
(FANS besiege TRACYfor photos and autographs.)
52 O'Donnell, Meehan, !lhaiman, and Wittman

HAI RSPRAY
DYNAMITES
Welcome to the rhythm of a bra nd-new day
TRACY
Take your old-fashioned fears
DYNAMITES
And just throw them away
MR. PI N KY'S STAFF
You should add some color and a fresh new 'do
image
EDNA
Hey Tracy, hey Tracy Look at me!
I'm the cutest chickie That ya ever did see
Hey Tracy, hey baby Look at us
Where is there a team That's half as fabu lous?!
(TRACY enters Hefty Hideaway.)
DYNAMITES II< ENSEMBLE
'Cause it's time for a star Who looks just like you!
DYNAMITE 1
Don'cha let nobody try to steal your fun
'Cause a little touch of lipstick never hu rt no one
DYNAMITE 2
The future's got a million roads for you to choose
But you'll walk a little taller in some high-heel shoes
ALL
I let go, go, go
EDNA
Of the past now

ALL
Said hello
EDNA
To this red carpet ride
BACKU P
Ooh's
DYNAMITE 3
And once you find the style that makes you feel like you Something fresh
and new
DYNAMITES
Step on out Hea r us shout
TRACY & DYNAMITES
Mama, that's your cue!!!
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(EDNA emergesfrom the shop looking resplendent.)
ALL
Yes, Iknow
EDNA
That the world's spinning fast now Tell Lollobrigida to step aside!
Your Mama's Welcoming the sixties Welcoming the sixties

Oh-0-0-0-0 Wo, oh, oh, oh
Oh Mama's Welcoming the sixties Welcoming the sixties
Oh, oh, oh, oh
HAIRSPRAY
image
EDNA (contin ued) Oh-0-0-0-0
ALL
Open the door for the girl Who has more, she's a star Tracy, go, go, go!
BACKUP (contin ued) Wo, oh, oh, oh Welcome to the sixties
9CENE EIGHT DODGEBALL

(Patterson Park High School playground. LI N K, FE NDE R, and their
male pals warm up on thefar side of stage. AMBER, Lou AN N, and
TAMMY enter. SHELLEY enters wearing a wig designed to make her look
like TRACY.
(TRACY re-enters in a matching outfit.)
TRACY Si EDNA
Hey Mama
AMBER stares.)
AMBER: What is that su pposed to be?
Oh Mama
Go Mama Go, go, go!
Welcome to the sixties
Go Ma ma Go, go, go!
(Song ends. End of Scene Eight.}
Welcome to the sixties
Wo, oh, oh, oh
0
Welcome to the sixties Oh, oh, oh, oh
Wo, oh, oh, oh Go, go, go!
Welcome to the sixties Go Ma ma
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Wo, oh, oh, oh Go Mama
Go, go, go!
SHELLEY: Isn't it the d rea mi est? It's ca l led "The Tracy." Everyone
who's anyone has one.
CiYM TEACHER: Gather u p, students. Brace you rselves for scatter

dodge ba ll.
AMBE R: Kathy Schmin k told me she hea rd Tracy was i n the back seat
of a car with two boys at once... playing tonsil hockey... in the n ude!
TAMMY: Is it true they put her.jn Special Ed?
AMBE R: Yu p. Tracy Tu rn bla h is a tra m p and she's reta rded. That's

right- she's fast and slow at the same timel
(crosses to LI N K)
Lin k La rki n, how cou ld you kiss that beeh ived buffa lo right on the... a
i r?
LI N K: That did n't mea n a nyth i ng, Amber. It was just a cool way to
end the song.
(TRACY, SEAWEE D, and the SPECIAL ED KI DS enter.)
FENDER: Hey, here they come! Special Ed i Snicker, snicker,

sneer, sneer.
LI N K: That ain't cool, Fender.
HAIRSPRAY
image
image
GYM TEACHER: Ha, ha! Specia l Ed! Ha, ha!
TRACY: (sees LI N K. Prays to herself ) Oh, Lin k, if fate forces you to th

row the ba l l at me tod ay, seal it with a kiss.
SEAWEED: Got a prayer for me too? This game can get pretty vicious.
TRACY: What is scatter dodge ba ll anyway?
SEAWEED: It's sort of like a protest ra lly. Looks l i ke a good idea u nti l
the pol ice show u p, then you better scatter and dod ge.
PENNY: (coming to TRACY) Hi, Tracy. Sorry about yoy r Specia l Ed ness.
But thin k of it as a testa ment to the record-brea king extremes you r ha
i r has reached. I'm so jea lous.
(noticing SEAWEE D) Hel lo.
TRACY: Seaweed, this is my best friend, Pen ny Lou Pingleton.
SEAWEED: Wa it, I've seen you before. At the gum machi ne getting you
r Wrigley's.
PENNY: (proudly) I do two packs a day.
SEAWEED: Hm m... All that chewing m ust ma ke the m uscles i n you r

mouth mighty strong.
PENNY: (blushing with pride) Not rea l ly. Proba bly just average.
AMBER: Well, well, well, Tracy Tugboat, you fina l ly found a title you cou
l d wi n: Miss Specia l Ed i
II.I NK: Knock it off, Am ber.
TRACY: Am ber Von Tussle, you have acne of the soul.

CiYM TEACHER: Students... Commence!
(And with a shrill whistle the game begins. AMBER gets the ball and
throws it at TRACY.)
AMBER: Hey, th u nder thighs, dodge this!
TRACY: You th row l i ke a gi rll
SEAWEED: Hey, no fa i r th rowi ng at the hea d.
CiYM TEACHE R: That's right, go for his n uts!
(The ball barely misses his head.)
LINK: Everybody ta ke it easy.This isn't Worl d Wa r Th ree.
(AMBER gets the ball awayfrom LI N K and takes dead aim at TRACY'S
head.)
AMBE R: Says you! Eat dodge ball, Tram py Ton-o-l ard!
(She viciously snaps the ball right into TRACY'S head. TRACY crumples
to the ground, knocked out. A whistle blows.)
CiYM TEACHER: Ga me over. ,
(school bell rings)
Class dismissed! Al l right gi rls, who wa nts to ta ke a shower? Extra

cred it!
(The G I RLS and GYM TEACHE R exit.)
AMBER: Poor Tracy. So tra gic, I forgot to cry.Are you coming, Li n k? LIN
K: Am ber, that wasn't necessa ry.
AMBER: I said, a re you coming, Li n k? LIN K: J n a min ute.
AMBER: I'l l be wa iting u nder the bleachers.
HAIRSPRAY
---·------- · ------------ ------
(AMBER exits. SEAWEED,PENNY,and LINK go to
TRACY'S aid.)
PENNY: Uh oh, Tracy? Are you dead? SEAWEED: I better go get the
school nurse.
PENNY: I'll go with you.
(They go off together leaving LINK alone with TRACY.)
LnNK: (at TRAcv's side) Tracy? Tracy,how you doin'? Gee, you're
beautiful when you're unconscious.
(A bell tone identifies "! Can Hear the Bells" as LINK
mouths those words.)
TRACY: (reviving) Where am I? Link?
LINK: You better? For a second there it looked like "Teen Angel" time.
TRACY: (into LINK'S eyes) Wherever Iam, please, no one change the
channel.
LINK: You've got a funny way of putting things. Ilike that.

PENNY: (returning with SEAWEED) The nurse is out sick, but look what
Seaweed found.
SEAWEED: (removing the stuff from his pocket ) Band-Aids and Q-Tips!
Oh, and a rubber. No, I guess that's mine.
PENNY: He's so nurturing.
TRACY: Oh, Link, this is my friend Seaweed.
( The eovs grunt toward each other.)
LINK: How you doin'? SEAWEED: Howyou doin'?
60 O'Donnell, Meehan, !lhaitnan, and Wiff tnan
PENNY: (to TRACY) How are you doing?
TRACY: How do you think? Ijust got creamed in front of the entire
school.
SEAWEED: Hey,Trace, Iknow what'll make you feel better. My mom's

pitchin' a platter party at our record shop on North Avenue. Wanna come
check it out?
PENNY: I,too, feel not good. May Ialso come check it out? SEAWEED:
You surely may.
TRACY: I've never been to North Avenue before.
LINK: Would it be safe up there for, you know,us? SEAWEED: Don't

worry,cracker boy,it's cool.
TRACY: What do you think, Link?
LINK: Ithink getting to know you is the beginning of a whole lot of

adventure. '
PENNY: Imagine being invited places by colored people.
TRACY: It feels so hipl
SEAWEED: Glad you feel that way,friends. 'Cause not everybody does.
"Run and Tell That!"
SEAWEED
Ican't see
Why people look at me And only see
The color of my face
HAIRSPRAY
image
SEAWEED {contin ued} And then there's those
That try to help, God knows But always have to
Put me i n my place
Now I won't ask you To be color bl ind
'Cause if you pick the fruit Then girl, you're sure to find
The blacker the berry The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so
But darlin', what's the use
The darker the chocolate The richer the taste
And that's where it's at...
SEAWEED (conti n ued) The blacker the berry The sweeter the ju ice
Icould say it ain't so
But darlin', what's the use
The darker the chocolate The richer the taste
And that's where it's at...
...Now run and tell that! Run and tell that!
Run and tell that! Run and tell that!
BACKU P (conti n ued) Oo
Uh-hu h Oo-oo Oo
And that'swhere it's at woo!
Run and tell that! Run and tell that! Run and tell that!
Run and tell that!
...Now run and tell that! I Run and tell that!
I can't see
Why people disagree Each time I tell them What I know is true
And if you come
And see the world I'm from I bet your hea rt
Is gonna feel it too
Yeah, I could lie
But baby, let's be bold Va nilla can be nice

But if the truth be told
BACKU P
Run and tell that!
Run and tell that! I ca n't see
Ooh's
And if you come Ooh's
Va nilla can be nice U h-h u h
( The song continues as we segue directly into...}
62 O'Donnell, Meehan, Shaitnan, and Wittman
HAIRSPRAY
image
SCENE NINE THE RECORD SHOP
(MOTORMOUTH MAYBELLE'S record shop. LITTLE I N EZ
and other BLACK TEE NS are dancing as SEAWE E D, PE N NY, TRACY,

and LI NK arrive. M usic continues under the dialogue.)
LITTLE IN EZ: Hey, you're Tracy.You're my favorite dancer on The Corny

Collins Show.
SEAWEED: This is my sister, Little I nez.
TRACY: Sure. I saw you at the aud itions.
LITTLE IN EZ: Well, you're the only one who d id, 'cause they kicked me
out on my you ng, gifted, and black behind.
LITTLE IN EZ
I'm tired of coveri n' up All my pride
So give me five
On the black-hand side
I've got a new way of movi n' And I got my own voice
So how can I hel p
But to shout and rejoice
People 'rou nd here
Can barely pay thei r rent They're try'n to ma ke dolla r outta fifteen cent
But we got a spirit Money just can't buy It's deep as a river
And soars to the sky!!
HAIRSPRAY
BACKUP
(hand claps)
So give me five
On the black-hand side
So how can I help
But to shout and rejoice. Ooh...
Ooh...
Ooh...
It's deep as a river
And soars to the sky!!

image
SEAWEED
I can't see
The reason it can't be The kinda world
Where we all get our chance
The time is now
And we can show 'em how Just turn the music up
And let's a ll dance
BACKU P (contin ued)
I can't see
(ad libs)
The time is now
MOTORMOUTH: W hoop-dee-doo, what a cou p! The ever sparki n', Si,r

Li n k La rki n!
LI N K: Always nice to see you, Ms. Motormouth.
PE N NY: I'm Pen ny Lou Pi ngl eton a nd I'm very pleased and scared to
be here.
MOTORMOUTH: You're welcome, kitten, to come and sit i n.
TRACY: This is just so Afro-tastic. Ca n I say how th rilled I am to
'Cause all th ings are equal Ooh's When it comes to love
Well, that's not quite true
'Cause when push comes to shove... Huh The blacker the berry Oo
The sweeter the juice Uh-h uh
I could say it ain't so
But darlin', what's the use Oo-oo
The darker the chocolate Oo The richer the taste
And that's where it's at... And that's where it's at-
woo
Now run and tell that! !
Run and tell that!
Run and tell that!

Run and tell that!
You better run and tell that!
Ru n and tell that!
Ru n and tell that!
( The song ends and MOTORMOUTH makes her entrance.)
MOTORMOUTH: There's pl atters of tu nes and food on the ta bl e.
W hat else would you expect from...
ALL: Ms. Motormouth Maybel le! SEAWEED: Ma ma, I brought some

friends.
meet you, Miz Motormouth. I'm Seaweed's friend, Tracy.
MOTORMOUTH: Oh, yes, indeedy. I've seen you, sweetie. All aglow on
Corny's Show.
TRACY: Gee, tha n ks. But I'm only there beca use of you r son. Why
can't we a ll dance together l i ke this on TV?
MOTORMOUTH: Thin k we haven't tried? We've pleaded, begged, and

lied. We pressu red the mayor, petitioned the gov, and what did we get?
MOTORMOUTH & KIDS: One day a month.
SEAWEE D: Enough ta l k. We came to da nce. Let's pl ay some h ide and

seek!
(M usic starts.)
TRACY, PE N NY, & LIN K: The dirty boogie I
(They start to dance when the door suddenly bursts open.)
AMBER: Aaaaaa i iiiiieeeeeee! !!! Li n k! What are you doing i n this h uge
crowd of m inorities?
LIN K: Tryi ng to fit i n. What are you doing?
HAIRSPRAY
image
AMBE R: I waited for you under the bleachers until half-way through the
JV track meet, then Isaw you getting on the North Avenue bus and I
followed you here in my new car.
I
LINH<: We're having a blast. Come, jump in.
I ( The door bursts open again.)
I VELMA: Aaaaaaaaiiiiiiieeeeeee! !!!! Amber! Has anyone touched you?
MOTORMOUTH: Y'all better hustle. Here's Von Tussle.
VELMA: I saw you getting into your darling, new car, so I followed you in
mine. Motormouth, are you brainwashing these children?
MOTORMOUTH: They're only dancing. TRACY: Yeah, we're dancing.
VELMA: (taking in TRAcv} Oh! Ishould have known you'd be at the
bottom of this barrel.
( The door opens again and this time EDNA enters with a take-out bag.)
EDNA: Ooooooooohhhhhh! ! !!!! Tracy,that was you I saw!
(calling out the door)
Wilbur! It was the kids Isaw.
TRACY: Mama, what are you doing here?
IEDNA: I had a sudden craving for chicken and waffles, so we drove up

to Ruby's Take-Out across the way.Hello everyone. I'm Tracy's mom.
VELMA: (taking in EDNA} Oh! So, you're what spawned that! EDNA:
Excuse me?
VELMA: Iguess you two are living proof that the watermelon doesn't fall
very far from the vine.
EDNA: Tracy,be a dear, hold Mommy's waffles.
(EDNA takes a threatening step toward VELMA as WILBUR
enters.)
WI LBU R: All right! A party! Anyone for chicken and waffles? CINDY: lf
we get any more white people in here, it'll be a suburb.
VELMA: (starting toward the door) Come on, Amber.Let's get back to
the right side of the tracks, if our cars are still there.
AMBER: (following VELMA) Let's go, Link.
LINK: Amber, you're being rude to these people.
VELMA: (as if to a dog) Amber. Come!
AMBER: (just like M ama) Link. Camel (He doesn't move.)
Link! Come!! ! LINK: Amber. Go.
AMBER: (trying to saveface ) What ever happened to the bland,·
spineless boy I fell in love with? Mother, come.
(She marches out the door.)
VIELMA: With pleasure.
(They are gone. A pause and then...}
EDNA: I didn't care for them.
LITTLE INEZ: Are all white people like that?
WILBUR: Naw...Just most.

HAIRSPRAY
image
TRACY: Wel l, I know how we can sta rt changi ng that. If kids saw us
danci ng together on TV, they'd real ize that we're not so d ifferent after
a ll. We just wa nt to have a good time.
SEAWEED: You saying you a nd Li n k wou ld be wi ll ing to dance with us

on Negro Day? That would be earth sha ki ng!
LIN K: (getting nervous) Tracy...
TRACY: No. We're not going to dance on Negro Day.
LI N K:'(relieved) Whew.
TRACY: (pointing to MOTORMOUTH ) You're going to (rash White Day!

MOTORMOUTH: White Day is everyday.Ya gotta get more specific tha n
that!
TRACY: Is tomorrow specific enough? Thin k: It's Mother-Da ughter Day.

Ms. Motormouth, you work for the station. They could never tu rn you
and Little I nez away. And once the two of you brea k the ba rrier, we'll all
be free to dance on TV.
SEAWEED: That thin king's downright revol utiona ry. LITTLE INEZ: We'l l
set off sparks, li ke Rosa Pa rks!
MOTORMOUTH: Child, it ain't that easy.This a i n't Pa rcheesi. What if

they call the cops? Peopl e cou ld get hu rt.
TRACY: Then we'll a ll wal k out together. There's me. There's Li n k a nd

I'm su re we can get the others. Without dancers, they've got no show.
MOTORMOUTH: (to WI LBUR and EDNA) What a decision; you r gi rl's

got vision.
EDNA: We've always tried to teach her to do what's right.
WILBU R: ...a nd give correct change.
LIN K: (pulling TRACY aside) Tracy, you ca n't do this. You're new to the
Cou nci l. You'l l be bl ackba lled and th rown off the show for sure.
TRACY: That's why we're a l l doing it together.
LIN K: Not me.
TRACY: You don't think segregation is wrong?
LI N K: I li ke these people. But whether or not they're on TV won't get

me a record ing contract.
(realizes this sounds too shallow)
That came out wrong. I've been singi ng and danci ng and
sm iling on that show for three yea rs wa iting for it to lead to my brea k.
You've got everythi ng: bra i ns, ta l ent, persona lity. Me? I've got one
chance to get seen nationwide. Satu rday night is every thing I've
worked for. I'm not gon na th row it away. C'mon, I'm leavi ng and you
gotta too. ',
(He starts toward the door)
TRACY: No! I wa nt to do this, a nd so should you. It's what's right.
Stay, Li n k. Please stay.
LI N K: Sorry.
TRACY: But you and me together, .. I was just starti ng to thin k...
LI N K: Sure. Me too. But I don't know. It's getting too com plicated, And
there's still Am ber.
See ya, little da rli n'.
(He exits)
PEN NY: I'm sorry, Tracy.
HAIRSPRAY
image
TRACY: Oh Mama... how could I think Link Larkin would ever care about
someone like me?
EDNA: Why wouldn't he? You're a beautiful girl. It'sjust Eddie Fisher all
over again.
TRACY: Mama, don't tease. I really like him. I've neverfelt anything like
this before.
EDNA: I know. And he probably likes you too. It's just ... boys are not the
brightest things. Give him time. I'm sure he'll figure out he's crazy about
you.
TRACY: You have to say that. You're my mother. .
EDNA: I'm more than your mother. I'm a woman in love and we know
about this stuff.
WILBUR: But Tracy, he could be right. Should you risk your career?
TRACY: I never would have gotten on the show without Seaweed.
No, it's payback time.
WILBUR: That's my girl.
TRACY: (determined ) Okay.So this is how we're gonna do it; tomorrow,

everyone bring your mothers...
PENNY: ...and sisters I
TRACY: ...and meet around the corner from the studio and make signs!
PENNY: Yes! And put words on them!
TRACY: Ms. Motormouth, you and Little Inez will walk in first. Me and
Mama will be right behind you.
EDNA: Excuse me?
7'2 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Wittman
TRACY: They'll never be able to shove them back out the door with us
blocking it!
EDNA: I'm sorry,Tracy.But no one said anything about me appearing on

television. I'm sorry but I simply can not appear on television at my
present weight.
MOTORMOUTH: You can't let weight restrict your fate! Look at me! I'm
on rvl
EDNA: Oh, but, Ms. Motormouth, you're a celebrity.While I'm a simple

housewife of indeterminate girth.
MOTORMOUTH: The bigger the girth, the more you're worth! Mr.
Turnblad, you don't mind that the missus here is an Ample American, do
you?
WILBUR: Not at all. Ithink of her as prime real estate.
MOTORMOUTH: Yeah! Nice and roomy. You listen to me! .
"Big, Blonde, and Beautiful"
MOTORMOUTH
Once u pon a time
Girl, I was just like you Never let my extra large La rgesse shine through
Hair was brown and nappy Never had no fun
I hid u nder a bushel
Which is eas'ier said than done!
Then one day my grandma Who was big and stout
HAIRSPRAY
image
MOTORMOUTH (conti n ued) She said you gotta love yourself From
inside out
And just as soon as I learned . How to strut my funky stuff
I found out that The world at large
Can't get enough so...
Bring on that pecan pie Pou r some sugar on it, Sugar, don't be shy
Scoop me u p a mess
Of that chocolate swirl Don't be stingy,
I'm a growi ng girl

I offer big love With no apology
How can I deny the world The most of me
I am not afraid
To th row my weight around Pou nd by pound by pound
Beca use I'm
Big, blonde, and beautiful
There is nothin' 'bout me
MOTORMOUTH (conti n ued) Slice off a piece
Of that hog head cheese
Then take a look inside My book of reci pes
Now, don't you sniff around For something fluffy and light I need a man
Who brings a man-size appetite
I'll use a pinch of sugar And a dash of spice
I'll let ya lick the spoon Because it tastes so nice
I'll keep it in my oven Till it's good and hot Keep on stirring
Till it hits the spot
Because I'm
Big, blonde, and beautiful And Edna, girl
You're lookin' so recruita ble Why sit in the bleachers Timid and afraid
When, Edna,
You can be your own pa rade! TRACY: So, how about it, Ma ma?
BACKU P (conti n ued) Hoo-hoo-ooh-ooo
...Fluffy and light
...Pinch of sugar And a dash of spice
Hoo-hoo-ooh-ooo
...Good and hot
Big, blonde, and beautif ul
Hoo-00-00-00-00
That's unsuitable
No one wants a meal That only offers the least
When, girl, we're serving up
The whole dam n feast BACKU P
Ooh oo oo, ooh oo oo!
74 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9hairnan, and Wiltrnan
EDNA: Wel l, I am big, I am blonde ...ish, and if you say I'm
bea utif ul, I guess I'm bea utif ul. Okay, I'll do it!
(ALL cheer. The scene shifts and protest signs are distributed. Among
them: "Letmy people dance,""Onward twistin' soldiers, "and "Mothersfor
brotherhood.' )
HAIRSPRAY
image
ALL
Look out
Old Baltimore
BACKU P (contin ued) Ooh oo oo, ooh oo oo!
MOTORMOUTH (contin ued) Can't ya hear that rumbling? That's our h u

nger to be free It's time to fin'ly taste equality
BACKU P (conti n ued) Hoo-00-00-00-00
...Hunger to be free
...Fin'ly taste equality
We're ma rching in And we ain't shufflin'
Through that old back door
EDNA
And Tracy, I will join your fight If I can keep up this pace
WILBU R
Ooh-ooh-ooh
( The CORNY COLLI NS MOTH ERS and DAUG HTE RS appear.
The PROTESTERS march into the studio causing mayhem.)
COU NCI L MEMBERS
On Mother-Daughter Day
Where thin is in, we're white as wool
MOTORMOUTH
Well ladies, big is back!
And girls, I'll be right at your side If I can find some space
MOTORMOUTH
So you can
Hold your head up
J ust as big as ya please

You know they'll hear me knockin' With the two of these!
MOTORMOUTH, WI LBU R, & TRACY
Tomorrow, side by side
We'll show the world what's right
EDlllA
Hoot!
Hold your head u p
Just as big as ya please Ow!!
And as for black
It's beautif ul
MOTORMOUTH
All shapes and sizes, follow me
Ei>NA
Let's bust their chops
VELMA
Quick, call the cops!
MOTORMOUTH
We're gonna
PROTESTERS
...Beautif ul
Looks like I'm touching up my roots tonight!
MOTORMOUTH
And we'll be
Dance our way to victory! Dance our way to victory!
COUl\ICI L MOTHERS & DAUG HTERS: Stay away! This isn't Negro Day!
Big, blonde, and beautiful
So face the fact
It's sim ply irref utable
Big, blonde, and beautif ul
Hoo-hoo Hoo-hoo
DYNAMITES
And get us on tv!
PROTESTERS: 2...4... 6... 8...
rv's got to integrate!
HAI RSPRAY
image
PROTESTERS: 2... 4... 6. . . 8...
rv's got to integrate!
COUNCI L MOTHE RS &
DAUG HTE RS: Stay away! This isn't Negro Day!
DYNAMITES
And get us on TV!
(Police sirens wail. A paddy wagon backs in. Its doors open and two
OFFICERS emerge. As the PROTESTERS continue their march, they are
loaded into. the paddy wagon.)
MOTORMOUTH: We're here to dance! EDNA: We're here to stay!

LIN K: Tracy, th is was bea utif u l!
MOTORMOUTH
Big, blonde, and beautiful lead the way!
ALL
No one's getting on TV today
(The curtainfalls on Act One.)
78 O'Donnell, Meehan, Shaitnan, and Wittman
Marissa Jaret Winokur (TracyTurnblad), Harvey Fierstein {Edna

Turnblad).
All production photos by Paul Kolnik.
image
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
WOMEN'S IHOUBE OF !DETENTION
( The FEMALE CAST, with the exception of PRUDY, are in jail! A MATRON
stands watch over them.)
"Big Dollhouse"
WOMEN
I gotta get out, I gotta get out, I gotta get out,
How'd I get in this slammer This cooler,
This big dollhouse!
MATRON: Ok, lad ies, wel come to the big dollhouse! For those of youse
new to the pena l system, I'm letting you know now that I don't stand for
boozi ng, doping, cussing, gam bli ng, fighting, or
a ny other sort of u nladyl i ke behavior. Th i n k of me as a mother... who

eats her you ng.
VELMA
Locked u p with all these lowl ife women
EDNA
And horizontal stripes Ain't eJCactly slimmin'
AMBER
Is there anybody here who can dry clean my blouse?

MATRON
It's the maid's day off
ToP: Linda Hart (Velma Von Tussle), cast members, and Laura Bell
Bundy {Amber Von Tussle). BonoM LEFT: Marissa Jaret Winokur
{TracyTurnblad) and Matthew Morrison (Link Larkin}. BOTTOM RIGHT:
Mary Bond Davis (Motormouth Maybelle) and Dick Latessa
(Wi!burTurnblad).
HAIRSPRAY
image
--- -- ---.------------
Au
In the big dollhouse
LITTLE IN EZ
Lady Justice where have you gone?
EDNA
Ooh, Wilbur, check, I think I left the iron onl

VE LMA
Did you see Corny laughing? I could murder that louse!
ALL
Honey,that'll getcha life In the big dollhouse
Big house!
VELMA
Locked up here in the pen
ALL
Big house!
AMBER
No phone!
EDNA
No food!
MOTORMOUTH
No men!
EDNA
I need a conjugal visit From my loving spouse
MATRON
Honey, just drop the soap

ALL
In the big dollhouse
MATRON: Exercise, lad ies! Get i n the trenches you wenches.
EDNA
Yoo-hoo, my stomach's a little sour I haven't had food
In over an hour
MATRON
You just had a pizza, my kugel, a mouse!
ALL
There's no food left in the big dollhouse
VELMA
U h, Matron
I have got to com plain
HooKER #2
Mira Ma mi, don't I know you· From 1st and Main?
VE LMA
Eek, call my shysters, Lipshitz and Strauss
I gotta get sprung

From the big dollhouse
ALL
Big house!
LITTLE IN EZ
No fair!
EDNA
No food!
HAIR!lPRAY
PE N NY
No fun!
ALL
Big house!
MOTORMOUTH
And our fight has just begun 'Cause it's freedom's flame That she'd like
to douse
So we must break out of this
ALL
Big dollhouse
MATRON: You do the crime, you gotta do the time.
TRACY
Pen ny, I ca n't ta ke a ll this waiting I've lost my man
Plus, my hair's deflating!
PEN NY
Well Tracy,
I hate to grumble or grouse
ALL (screaming )
But it'syour fault that we're in This big dollhouse! !
BEATN I K CHICK
Hey, cool it, ladies No need to shout
And don't cha got an old man To bai l you out? .
VE LMA
Hal Her daddy's a loser, a pervert, a souse!
EDNA
Well, it's just us girls In the big dollhouse
ALL
Big house!
AMBE R
God, I'm too you ng to fry!
ALL
Big house!
EDNA
I'm busting out!
MOTORMOUTH
Girl, so am I!
ALL
Lady Justice, hear my plea 'Cause the big dollhouse The big dollhouse
The big dollhouse
Ain't big enough for me For me
For me
EDNA
For me!
(The song ends.)
MATRON: Recess is over! Time to pay you r debt to society. Please keep
i n mi nd, tip pi ng is permitted.
(She exits.)
HAIRSPRAY
EDNA: To think I'd live to have a rap sheet. If my mother were alive...
(arm around TRACY)
...she'd be so proud. Remember, your grandma was a suffragette.
TRACY: Right. You liaven't seen the last of us, Mrs.Von Tussle. We'll be
marching again, and soon, to the beat of a whole new era!
VELMA: Bang your drum, Bonzo. No one cares. Don't get any more cute
ideas about protesting or even showing up at the special. I'll have armed
guards surrounding the Eventorium·to make sure Tracy doesn't get
within ioo miles of that place. Game, set, match.
(A GUARD enters with a clipboard.)
GUARD: Von Tussle, Velma? Von Tussle, Amber?
AMBE R: That's us.
GUARD: Ladies, you're free to go with the sincere apologies of the state
of Maryland and the personal compliments of the governor himself.
VELMA: The governor? Really? Sweet, chubby Millard. We dated on and

off in college. Now if you Doublewide Twins will excuse me, I have a
national TV spectacular to produce.
AMBE R: (turning back to TRACY) I was never here. This never hap-
pened. Oh, Tracy.Any message for Link? Place it on my lips, and I'll be
sure he gets it.
VELMA: So long, Balti-morons!
(They exit laughing.)
EDNA: I still don't care for them.
MOTORMOUTH: I hear ya, Miz T. This old jail just got a whole lot nicer.
(The GUARD reenters and unlocks the cell door.)
GUARD: You've got a visitor. Bail has been posted. MOTORMOUTH:

Thank the Lord for those who can afford. WI LBU R: (entering gleefully) I
posted bail.
EDNA: Wilbur! How?
WI LBU R: Simple really.I mortgaged the Har-De-Har Hut.
TRACY: Oh, Daddy.
E DNA: But that place is your life.
WI LBU R: You two are my life. Bail for everyone! Bail for the house!
You're free to go.
(All the WOMEN file out of the cell. The TURNBLADS hang back.)
MOTORMOUTH: The Turnblad gang are real good folks. They have the
heart. They get the jokes.
MATRON: All prisoners kindly turn in your tap shoes on the way out.
WI LBU R: Shall we make haste?
.GUARD: Hold it, sucker man. We're keeping that rotund rabble rouser on
ice.
WI LBU R: I paid for everyone. Got a group discount.
HAIRSPRAY
GUARD: (reading from an official-looking document) Tracy
Tu rn blad is herewith and forthwith with held, without ba i l. She is to be

moved to solita ry confi nement and held there u ntil
TRACY
"Good Morning Baltimore" (reprise)
fu rther notice by special order of the governor's office. So, there.
(He slams the cell door with TRACY inside.)
TRACY: The governor's office?! Mrs. Von Tussle! Ma nipu lating our jud
icia l system just to wi n a contest is u n-America n.
GUARD: Don't ma ke things worse for you rselves. Move out peacefully.
WILBUR: I'm not going a nywhere without my da ughter.
TRACY: It's okay, Daddy.They can't keep me here forever. Besides,
I've got a lot to th i n k about. I might as well do it i n solita ry refi nement.

GUARD: I'm cou nti ng to th ree and then I'm rea rresting you a ll for
illega l trespass.
WILBUR: Let's go. We can't do Tracy any good here.
(EDNA pauses at the GUARD• • •)
EDNA: Touch one ha i r on my da ughter's head, and I'll be back to teach

you a whole new mea ning for spl it ends.
(They allfile out the door.)
LITTLE llll EZ: Keep the faith, ba by.
MOTORMOUTH: They haven't hea rd the l ast from us.
PENNY: You're so l ucky to get out of the algebra fina l.
(All are gone except TRACY.)
86 O'Donnell, Meenan, Shairnan, and Willman
Oh, oh, oh I'm all alone
My hea rt has grown but it's broken, too.
This morning life was a Baltimore fairy tale Now I can't make bail!
My mother's in shock My father's in hock
I much prefer Link's arms To jailhouse cells
So Link, please Rescue me now 'Ca use I love you
And this prison smells. Link, hear the bells!
And get ready Baltimore

There's a bright, brand-new day in store Let me out so this dream's unf
urled
I'll eat some brea kfast, Then change the world!
And I promise Baltimore
Once I cha-cha right out of that door The world's gonna wake up and
see Link's in love with me!
(End of song. End of Scene One.)
HAIRSPRAY
SCENE TWO HAR-DE-HAR HUT

(WILBUR and EDNA are at home later that day. WILBUR is busily
working on ajumbo hairspray can model. EDNA is on the phone.)
EDNA: Hel lo? Yes, Mr. Pi n ky.Yes, of cou rse I u ndersta nd you have a n
empi re to protect. Yes. I'll retu rn the outfits. The pettipants,
too. I sca rcely wore them twice... but Mr. Pi n ky, she's just a littl'e gi rl
and littl e girls ma ke m ista kes. If they d id n't-where wou ld other little
girls come from ?...Yes, I u ndersta nd ... it is too bad ... Good bye.
(She hangs up and bursts into hysterics.)
Oh, Wil bu r, I th i n k I'm going menta l!

WILBUR: I 'm closing u p.
(A "Rube Goldberg" type trick pulls the "closed"sign on the shop.)
EDNA: Oh, Wil bu r, my stomach's i n knots. I bought a double box of

Ma loma rs, a nd they're still in the box.
WILBUR: Ca lm down, sweethea rt.
EDNA: I can't ca lm down. There are na mes for women who
aba nd on thei r daughters who've gotten themselves a rrested for tryi

ng to integrate an after-school, sock hop type tel evision show. Yes,
there are na mes, a nd Ha ll ma rk does not ma ke a card for any of them!
WILBUR: You can't worry about people ca lli ng you na mes. You · know
how ma ny times I've been called "crazy"? But I say, "Yea h, crazy. Crazy
li ke a loon." Anyway, we haven't aba ncjoned Tracy. I n fact, I got just
what she needs here; stand back.
(He pushes the aerosol can top -it explodes.)
What d'ya thin k? Isn't it a doozy?
HAIRSPRAY
EDNA: I m pressive. But how's it gon na hel p our Tracy?
WILBUR: You'll be surprised.
EDNA: Oh, sure! You're a visiona ry inventor saving the day.Tracy's a

teen idol resha pi ng the world. And what am I? I had a drea m too, you
know. I used to ma ke all my own clothes, remem ber?
U nti l I wa nd ered beyond the bou nda ries of the largest McCall's
pattern. But I a lways drea med that one day I would own my own l ine of
q ueen-sized dress patterns.
WILBUR: You were good, Ed na.
EDNA: Yea h? And where's it gotten me? Twenty yea rs later I'm still
washi ng a nd mend ing and iron ing everyone else's clothing.
WILBUR: One day, Ed na.
EDNA: No day, Wil bu r. My time's come and gone. I'm a worn out pa i r
of bo bby sox, and the elastic's all stretched. Oh, Wilbu r, I suddenly feel
so old.
WILBUR: (music) Nonsense, doll. You're as spry as a sli n ky.
Whenever I'm nea r you it's l i ke grabbi ng hold of a gia nt joy buzzer.
"{You're) Timeless to Me"
WILBUR
Styles keep a-changin' The world's rea rrangin'
But Edna, you're timeless to me Hemlines are shorter
A beer costs a quarter
But time cannot take what comes free
You're like a. stinky old cheese, babe J ust gettin' riper with age

WILBUR (contin ued)
You're like a fatal disease, babe But there's no cure
So let this fever rage
Some folks can't stand it Say time is a bandit
But Itake the opposite view 'Cause when I need a lift Time brings a gift
Another day with you A twist or a waltz
It's all the same schmaltz
With just a cha nge in the scenery You'll never be old hat
That's that!
Ooh, ooh, you're timeless to me
EDNA
Fad's keep a-fadin' And Castro's invading
But Wil bur, you're timeless to me
Hairdo's are higher
Mine feels like barbed wire But you say I'm chic as can be!
You're like a rare vintage ripple A vintage they'll never forget
So pou r me a teeny weenie triple
And we can toast the fact we ain't dead yet!
Ican't stop eating

Your hairline's receding
And soon there'll be nothi ng at all So, you'll wear a wig.
While Iroast a pig Hey! Pass that Geritol
HAIR9PRAY
EDNA (conti n ued) Glenn Miller had class
That Chu bby Checker's a gas But.they all pass eventually
You'll never be passe Hip hooray!
You're timeless to me
(dance break)
EDNA
You're like a broken down Chevy
All you need is a fresh coat of paint
WILBUR
And Edna, you've got me goin' hot and heavy You're fat and old, but
baby, boring you ain't!
WILBUR & EDNA
Some folks don't get it But we never fret it
'Cause we know that time is our friend
And, it's plain to see

That you're stuck with me Until the bitter end
And we got a kid Who's blowin' the lid
Off the Turnblad family tree
EDNA
You'll always hit the spot Big shot!
WILBUR
You'll always be du jou r Mon amour
EDNA
You'll always be first string
WILBUR
Ring-a-ding-ding!
WILBUR & EDNA
EDNA
WILBUR
WILBUR & EDNA
You're timeless to mel I
"(You're) Timeless to Me" (reprise)
WILBUR & EDNA
You need a fresh coat of plaster
EDNA
But Wilbur, I'm still hot to trot
WILBUR
Yeah Edna, you're like the Hindenburg Disaster
J;DNA
I'm full of gas!
HAIRSPRAY 9
WILBUR
But you won't be forgot! !
WILBUR & EDNA
Love ta ke a licki n'

But we keep on tickin'
We're just like the clock on the wall
WILBUR
Yeah our springs never pop
EDNA
And on the day that you drop
WILBUR & EDNA
Whoo! I'll catch you when you fall
And we got a kid
Who's done what she did
And we're as proud as proud can be
WILBUR
You're still my big affair
EDNA
Mein Herr!
WILBUR & EDNA
EDNA
You're rounding third base now

WILBUR
Holy cow!
EDNA
I'll always call you home
4 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9hairnan, and Willman
WILBUR
Shabbat Shalom!
WILBUR & EDNA
You're timeless to me You're timeless to me You're timeless to me You're

timeless to me! !!
( End of Scene Two)
HAIRSPRAY 95
SCENE THREE
TRACY'S JAIL CELL & PENNY'S BEDROOM
(TRACY'Sjail cell. Late at night. LI N K slips in stealthily.)
LI N K: Tracy? Where are you? It's me. Link Larkin. From the show.
TRACY: Link! Over here!
LI N K: Shhh! The guard's asleep. Gee, you look beautiful behind bars.
TRACY: It must be the low-watt, institutional lighting. Link, what are you
doing here?
LI N K: Oh, Tracy, seeing you dragged off to jail brought me back to my

senses. Ithought I'd lose it when Ithought I lost you. I couldn't eat, I
couldn't sing. I couldn't even concentrate.
TRACY: You couldn't eat?
LI N K: No. So I went down to the station to tell Mrs. Von Tussle I was
through with the Miss Hairspray broadcast...
TRACY: You did?
LI N K: Ididn't. When Igot to the station Ioverheard Mrs. Von Tussl talking
to Spritzer. Tracy,it's Amber the talent scouts are coming to see. It had
nothing to do with me. All this time I thought Amber and Iwere a team.
She and her mother were just using me to make her look popular.Ifeel
like such an idiot.
TRACY: That makes two of us.
LI N K: (suddenly romantic) I know a palooka like me isn't worthy of a

ground-breaking extremist like you, but...
(He produces his ring.)

image
HAIRSPRAY 97
. ..It's a little scuffed from Am ber th rowi ng it in my face when I told her
I'd rather be with you.
TRACY: You did?
LI N K: I d id. So, would you consider wea ring my ring?
TRACY: Wou ld I? Would I?
LI N K: "To lose thee were to lose myself." Some kid na med Milton wrote
that in the thi rd-floor boys' room.
TRACY: It's bea utif ul.
(She puts on the ring.)
I have a good life: great pa rents, my own room, stacks of 45s, th ree
sweaters, pl us a lea rner's permit good th rough August. But you know
what I've been m issing, Li n k?
LIN K: I th in k I do.
(They try to kiss.)
Trace, they ca n keep us from kissing, but they can't stop us from
singing.
"Without Love"
LIN K
Once I was a selfish fool Who never understood
I never looked inside myself
Though on the outside, I looked good!
Then we met, and you made me The ma n I am today
Tracy, I'm in love with you No matter what you weigh.
O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Wittman
LIN K (conti n ued) 'Cause without love Life's the seasons With no
summer
Without love
Life is rock 'n' roll without a dru mmer
Tracy, I'll be you rs forever 'Cause I never wanna be Without love
So Tracy, never set me free
No, I ain't lyin'
Never set me free, Tracy No, no, no!
TRACY
Once I was a simple girl Then stardom came to me But I was still a
nothing Though a thousand fans
may disagree
Fa me was just a prison Signing autogra phs a bore I did n't have a clue
Till you·came banging on my door
That without love
Life is like my dad without his bromo
Without love
Life's just making out to Perry Como
Darling, I'll be yours forever 'Ca use I never wan na be Without love
HAIRSPRAY
BACKUP
Without love
Ooh-ooh
Without love Ooh-ooh-ooh
I'll be yours forever Without love
...Doot
Doot do doot do Doot do doot do No, no, no!
Aah Aah
Aah-aah Aa h-aah
Tracy!
...Without love Ooh-ooh
Without love Ooh-ooh-ooh
99
TRACY (conti n ued)
So darling, throw away the key
LINK & TRACY
I'm you rs forever
TRACY
BACKUP (conti n ued} Doot doot do doot Doot doot doot
(struggling with the rope)
But, da m n, these knots a re someth ing else.
PENNY: H u rry, Seaweed!
SEAWEED
Living in the ghetto
Throw away the key Doot doo doot doot
·. LINK & TRACY

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
(The f ights dim on thejail and brighten on PENNY'S bed room. PRUDY is
tying PENNY to the bed.)
PRUDY: Pen ny Lou Pingleton, you a re absol utely, positively, perma-

nently pu nished. This one's for bei ng willfu l. Th is one's for bei ng
deceitf u l. This one's for being negf.ectf u l. And this one's for
crying "Wee wee wee," a ll the way home.
(The phone rings.)
Why is it every time you tie you r da ughter u p, the phone ri ngs?
(PRUDY exitsjust as SEAWEED appears in the window.)
SEAWEED: Psst! Pen ny!
PENNY: Seaweed! Sh h h! Don't let my mother hea r you.
SEAWEED: What ha ppened?
PENNY: She's pu nishing me for going to ja il without her permission.
SEAWEED: I've come to rescue the fair ma iden from her tower.
PENNY: Oh, Seaweed, you do ca re! I was worried it was just a lonely
teenager's forbidden fantasy.
SEAWEED: From the first moment I saw you, I knew that even the colors
of our skin could n't keep us apa rt.
O'Dohnell, Meehah, !:lhairnah, ahd Wittrnah
Black is everywhere ya go Who'd've thought I'd love a girl

With skin as white as winter's snow
PENNY
In my ivory tower
Life was just a Hostess snack But now I've tasted chocolate And I'm
never going back
(SEAWEED sets PENNYfree.)
PENNY & SEAWEED
'Cause without love
SEAWEED
Life is like a beat that you can't follow
PENNY & SEAWEED
Without love
PENNY
Life is Doris Day at the Apollo
PENNY & SEAWEED
Darling, I'll be yours forever 'Cause I never wan na be Without love
SEAWEED
Darling, never set me free
HAIRSPRAY
BACICUP
...Without love Ooh-ooh
Without love Ooh-ooh
101
SEAWEED & PENNY
I'm yours forever Never set me free No, no, no!
BACKUP (contin ued) Doot doot doo doot Doot doot doo doot No,
no, no!
( embarrassed)
I've got some ha irspray too.
(He produces itfrom his jacket )
LINK
(The light i:omes on in thejail again. From now on we can see both
couples at once.)
TRACY: Li n k, what a special night! You r ri ng! And our very own
blowtorch I
(As the number continues, LI N K torches the cell bars
If you're locked up in this prison, Trace
I don't know what I'll do
TRACY
Ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh
to make a large TRACY-shaped opening through which
she escapes.)
LINK: Oh, Tracy!
TRACY: Oh, Li n k!
Lin k, I've got to break out Ooh-ooh
So that I can get my hands on you I can get my hands on you
SEAWEED
PENNY: Oh, Seaweed!
SEAWEED: Oh, Pen ny!
Girl, if I can't touch you now
I'm gonna lose control
PENNY
Seaweed, you're my black white knight
I've found my blue-eyed soul
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Lose control
Black w.hite knight
PRUDY: (enters and sees SEAWEED and PENNY on the bed)
Oh my God! Colored people i n the house. I 'll never sell it now!

I
ALL
'Cause without love
SEAWEED
Sweet freedom is our goal Sweet freedom is our goal
LINK
Trace, I wa nna kiss ya!
TRACY
Then I can't wa it for parole...
Oh Li n k, I've got to get out of here. If we only had some ha i r spray and
a Zi ppo lighter, I thin k we cou ld ma ke a n E-Z Ba ke Oven kind of
blowtorch!
LINK: Well, I've got a Zi ppo lighter! And, u h...
l SEAWEED
' Life is like a prom that won't
invite us
ALL
Without Jove
LINK
Like getting my big break and laryngitis

ALL
Without Jove
BACKUP
Ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh
O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Willman
HAIR9PRAY 103
PEN NY
Life's a 45 when you can't buy it
ALL
Without love
TRACY
Life is like my mother on a diet
ALL
Like a week that's only Mondays Only ice crea m never sundaes Like a
circle with no center
Like a door marked "Do not enter!"
Da.rling, I'll be yours forever 'Ca use Inever wa nna be Without love
PEN NY & LI N K
Yes now you've captu red me
SEAWEED & TRACY
Isurrender ha ppily
LI NK
So darling
ALL
Never set me free
ALL
Da rling, you had best believe me Never leave me without love!
(End of Scene Three.)
BACKUP (contin ued) Ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh
Without love
Without love-ooh
Doot doot doot doot Doot doot doot doot
SCENE FOUR MOTOR.MOUTH'S INSPIRATION
(As the scene shifts we hear the sounds of sirens and helicopters and
thunder and rain. MOTORMOUTH gazes out the window. LORRAIN E,
DUA N E, GILBERT, and CI N DV are watching the TV with rapt
attention.)
MOTORMOUTH: It's a mess out there.
CIN DY: Good night for a jail brea k.
LORRAI N E: Ms. Motormouth, look! Now it's on cha n nel two!
(She turns up the sound on the television...)
NEWSCASTER (v.o.): ...Elsewhere i n l ocal news, teenage TV personality

and ra bble rouser, Tracy Tu rn bl ad, has escaped from the Balti more
Women's House of Detention. Authorities believe she may have been
aided by the once promisi ng, formerly wholesome teen idol, Li n k La rki
n. If sighted, citizens are asked to notify pol ice or, if phone service is not
availa ble, sim ply
shoot to ki ll. In entertai n ment news, Eva Ma rie is no sai nt ...
MOTORMOUTH: (switching off the TV) Lord have pity, it's a crazy city.
(sound of a door slamming )
Who's at the backdoor?
(SEAWEE D enters with PEN NY.)
MOTORMOUTH: My ba by.And ... Pen ny, is it?
PEN NY: Yes, ma'a m.
LITTLE IN EZ: Seaweed's got a gi rlfriend.
SEAWEED: Is it okay I brou ght her home? I had to get her away from her
nasty ass ma ma.
O'Donnell, Meehan, !lhaiman, and Wittman
HAIRSPRAY 105
MOTORMOUTH: Hush, now. Don't explain. Igot an inklin' in a twinklin'

first time I seen you two dancing together.
PENNY: And you don't mind?
MOTORMOUTH: I never mind love. It's a gift from above. But not
everyone remembers that. So you two better brace yourselves for a
whole lot of ugly comin' at you from a never-ending parade of stupid.
PEN NY: That's okay.My mother's gonna kill me anyway.
(There is a knock at the door.)
LITTLE IN EZ: No she won't. She'll kill him!
LI N K: (entering with TRACY) Hey,Miz Motormouth. We broke Tracy out

of jail.
GILBERT: We know. It's been on all three channels!
TRACY: The jailbreak was easy compared to getting a cab to this side of
town.
MOTORMOUTH: Well,we all gotta get busy.Only twenty-four hours till

Miss Hairspray,and it's gonna be on national TV. We may never get
another chance like this. And this time we'll start by getting Corny and
the guards at the studio to help us.
PEN NY: Maybe your Dad could help, too. He sometimes has ideas.
SEAWEED: And I know a guy who...
TRACY: (interrupting SEAWEED) No, I've got to turn myself in and go

back to jail.
LITTLE IN EZ: Say what?
LIN K: Tracy, no.
O'Donnell, Meehan, Shaiman, and Wittman
TRACY: I can't put all of you in any more danger.We should've thought
more before we broke out. My father could lose the Har-De-Har Hut.
And, Link, you could go to prison for what you did tonight...
LI N K: (pleading innocence) Just first base in the back of the cab. I

swear.
TRACY: ...And Ms. Motormouth, we've just been on three
channels of news; Idon't want you to get arrested for harboring a

fugitive. And, Penny...your mother will kill you!
LITTLE IN EZ: (impatiently correcting again) No! She'll kill him!
LORRAIN E: Listen, I've already been to jail one time for backing up the
white girl. Don't mind sittin' this round out!
DUAN E: Ihear you. Besides, we already tried it and it didn't work.
TRACY: Anyway,this time it won't be like Mother-Daughter Day.
Mrs.Von Tussle said there'll be armed guards at the Eventorium. ·
PEN NY: With arms.

TRACY: Someone could get shot.
GILBERT: And for what? Just so we can dance on some Oh-fay show?
MOTORMOUTH: Hold it! Nobody ever said this was gonna be easy. If
something's worth having, it's worth fighting for. Tracy, why did you start
all this in the first place? Was itjust to dance on TV?
TRACY: No.
MOTORMOUTH: Was it so you could get the boy?
TRACY: No,Ialmost lost him because of it.
HAIRSPRAY 107
MOTORMOUTH: Then maybe it was just to get you rself famous.
TRACY: (taking exception, slightly) No. I just thin k it's stupid we ca n't a
ll da nce together.
MOTORMOUTH: So you tried once and you failed. We ca n't get
l azy when things get crazy. Child ren, you were not the first to try a nd
you won't be t he last, but I am here to tell you that I'm gon na keep l i n i
ng u p u ntil someday somebody brea ks th rough. And I've been looki ng
at that door a lot longer tha n you.
TRACY: What door? MOTORMOUTH: The front door.
"I Know Where I've Been" l
MOTORMOUTH (conti n ued) 'Cause I know where I'm going And I know
where I've been
There's a road we must travel There's a promise we must
make
'Cause the riches will be plenty
Worth the risk and the chances
That we take
There's a dream in the future There's a struggle
We have yet to win
BACKUP (contin ued) Hoo-00-00-00
There's a road we must travel There's a promise we must
ma ke
'Cause the riches will be plenty
Worth the risk and the chances
That we take
...Dream, hoo-00-00 Struggle
Hoo-00-00
MOTORMOUTH
There's a light in the darkness Though the night is black as my skin

There's a light burning bright Showing me the way
But I know where I've been

There's a cry in the dista nce
It's a voice that comes from deep within There's a cry asking why
I pray the answer's up ahead 'Ca use I know where I've been
BACKUP
There's a road we've been travelin' Oo-oo Lost so many on the way Oo-
oo
But the riches will be plenty Oo-oo Worth the price we had to pay Oo-o
There's a dream in the future ...Dream, Oo-oo There's a struggle we

have yet to win
And there's pride in my heart Hoo-oo
j Use that pride
' In our hearts
To lift us to tomorrow
'Cause just to sit still wou ld be a sin
Lord knows
I know where I've been
I'll give my tha nks to God 'Cause Iknow where I've been
(Song ends. End of Scene Four.)

Pride
In our hearts Lift us up
Oo-00-00-00
Ooh...sit still
Iknow it, I know it
I know where I'm goin'
Oh, when we win
I'll give thanks to my God 'Cause I know where I've
been
O'Donnell, Meehan, 9hairnan, and Wittman
HAIRSPRAY
109
SCENE FIVE
MISS TEENAGE HAIRSPRAY
(The Baltimore Eventorium. Lights and music herald The Corny Coffins
Spectacular. A Miss Teenage Hairspray 1962 scoreboard shows AMBER
leading TRACY by afew votes. Drum roll. . . CORNY appears on stage.)
CORNY:. (music) And now, live, from the certified u p-to-code

Ba ltimore Eventori u m . ..for the first time ever on nationwide television
... it's The Corny Col li ns Spectacula r...
COUNCIL MEMBE RS: He's Corny!
CORNY: ...brought to you by Ultra Clutch Ha i rspray!
"(It's) Hairspray"
COR NY
What gives a gi rl Power and punch?
Is it cha rm, is it poise? No, it's hairspray!
BACKUP
...Hairspray!
What gets a gal Asked out to lunch
Is it brains, is it dough?
No, it's hairspray! ...Hairspray!
If you take a ride
With no can at your side
Then your flip will be gone with the wind
But if you spray it and lock it, You can take off in a rocket And in outer
space
Each hair will be in place
Ooh
Oo-oo-ooh-ooh Then your flip Ooh-ooh-ooh!
You can take off in a rocket
...Outer space
Hair will be in place
HAIRSPRAY 111
CORNY (continued)
Why ta ke a chance
When you get up and dance
BACKUP (continued)
Ooh, ooh
Ooh, 00-00-ooh
image
NV
! ke my advice
,1'\lyou m\'i,\\t iust -&e't BA.C.KUt> \cont nued)

If you twist, I insist You use hairspray
And tell your mother
Ooh
...Hairspray!
Ooh
'lou m\-&\\t \us\
\he 011\y th\11-&betteY t\\a11\\a\YS"\)Yay Ooh, oo\\• • •\\aiYs"\)1ay
1hat's me\
Ska-doo-dl-e-ya
Her head she should smother With Ultra Clutch faithfully
Ooh, Ooh
Ultra Clutch faithfully
GIRLS
He's Corny Collins!
Doo-dl-e-ya do wah
ALL
So if you're a redhead, a blonde, or brunette- woo!
CORNY
Just take my advice And you might just get

CORNY
The only thing better than hairspray
That's me!
CORNY Ill THE COU NCI LETTES
Ska-doo-dl-e-ya-do-wah
Hairspray wow!
You might just
The only thing better than hairspray Ooh, ooh.•. Hairspray That's me!
Ska-doo-dl-e-doo-wah-do-wah
Forget the milkma n
The only thing better than hairspray
CORNY
That's me!
COUNCI L MEMBERS
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
CORNY & COUNCI L MEMBERS

What makes a man Reach out and touch Ultra Clutch!
ALL
·Ska-doo-dl-e-ya
Doo-dl-e-ya do wa h Ha irspray wow
CORNY: "Hey baby,you look like you could use a stiff one!"
BREN DA
Ska-doo-dle-doo-do-wah!
(Applause. A MAN in a hat and afake nose enters pushing a gigantic

hairspray can. VELMA approaches suspiciously.)
VELMA: And we're off for network commercial. What the hell is this?
MAN (WILBUR): Product placement. The sponsor insists.
VE LMA: What a relief.We needed a little something there.
(suddenly shifting )
Say,don't Iknow you?
So if you're a redhead, a blonde, or brunette
O'Donnell, Meehan, Bhaiman;' and Wittman
WI LBU R: Honest, Velma, I'm a total strnger.
HAIRSPRAY 113
(VELMA whips off his hat andfunny glasses to reveal

WI LBUR.) .
VELMA: You!
WILBU R: Da m n!
VELMA: (callingfor back-up) Gua rds! Riot squad! I wa nt everybod y
out of the l obby a nd u p here pronto.
(SEAWE ED and three MOTORMOUTH BOYS dressed as
GUARDS run infrom the aisle.)
Ha l What is this? Some ki nd of Troja n Horse? What's i nside, you r
AMBER: (leaning into the shot) At very la rge.
CORNY: ...ou r Miss Ha i rspray might just be a foregone concl usion.
Still, ou r ru l es say the contesta nt has to da nce for it. Ready, Amber?
AMBER: Ready as a ra bbit on Easter, Corny. Tracy Tu rn blad, this song

is a ll a bout you.
"Cooties"
jail bi rd daughter?
WILBU R: Not a cha nce.
VE LMA: Well, if she's hid ing i n that ca n, she'll rot i n that can.
Gua rd, if anybody so m uch as touches that thing...open fire!
MOTORMOUTH: (dressed as a guard wearing a riot helmet)

U nderstood, Ma'a m.
(MOTORMOUTH pulls WI LBUR off.)
WI LBU R: You win this time, Von Tussle. You're one clever woma n, I'l l
say that.
VELMA: (to SEAWEED) Get out!
(SEAWEE D exits up the theatre aisle.)
And com ing ba ck to Corny on camera one i n 3... 2...
CORNY: And now for t he ta lent portion of the com petition where
AMBER
They came from way fa r out In outer space
She's hard to miss
And so they landed on her face!
GUYS
She's got cooties
AMBER
They've found a place to nest
Guys
She's got cooties
AMBE R .
If I were her I'd be depressed Long tailed, sharp nailed Fuzzy legs, laying
eggs
COU NCI L MEMBERS
Ow-oot
GIRLS
Cooties
GIRLS
Cooties
the frontru n ner ga ls present a dance of thei r own creation.
(looking at the scoreboard)
Presently, Am ber Von Tussle and Tracy Tu rn bl ad a re neck and neck.

But since, accord ing to the latest pol ice bu lleti ns, Miss Tu rn bl ad is
still at l a rge...
O'Donnell, Meehan, !lhaiman, anti Willman
C'mon everybod y, let's stam p them out!!
COUNCIL MEMBERS
She's got cooties
HAIRSPRAY 115
AMBE R
In science class
She's like a wal king show-a nd-tell
COU NCI L MEMBE RS
She's got cooties
AMBER
You know she's coming down the hall From just the smell!
Guys
GIRLS
Tha n k you l ad ies, gentlemen, a nd ki ds. I'm now ready to consu me

the title of Miss Teena ge Hai rspray.
(COR NY leads SPRITZE R on. SPRITZE R carries the crown and

bouquet.)
CORNY: J ust to be su re, I th i n k we'd better check the boa rd.
l SPRITZER: Cou ld we please see the ta l ly?
l (ALL tum to the scoreboard. The numbers spin and
I AMBE R is the winner by afew votes.)

SPRITZE R: Yes, Am ber Von Tussle just squea ks i n as the wi n ner.
She's got cooties
AMBER
Nobody wants to sit by her
Guys
She's got cooties
AMBE R
Cooties
GIRLS
Cooties
AMBE R: What'd I tell you? G ive me the crown, give me the flowers, a nd
everybody sta rt bowi ng!
(AMBER snatches the crown and slaps it onto her head.
VELMA puts the M iss Teenage Hairspray 1962 sash on
AMBE R.)
TRACY: (from the theatre aisle) Not so fast, Am ber. Look who's coming i
n the front door.
Don't need a coat 'ca use she's got furl
Circle, circle Dot, dot, dot
ALL
Hu rry, get your cootie shot!
AMBER
Dresses l ike a circus clown
COU NCI L MEMBE RS
Somebody oughta hose her down
AMBE R
Grew up in a cootie zoo
Ibet her two-ton mama's got 'em too! "And that's for you!"
'
O'Donnell, Meehan, !lhaiman, and Willman
(an explosion of music and light)
CORNY: Right on sched ule! I mea n, I know nothi ng a bout th is com

plex pl an. Lad ies and gentlemen, I give you the never to be cou nted
out Tracy Tu rn bl ad!
(A spotlight picks up TRACY as she makes her way up the aisle, singing,
dancing, and celebrating. She isfollowed by LI N K, PEN NY, SEAWEED,
the BLACK FEMALE ENSEMBLE, and
LITTLE I N EZ.)
. I "You Can't Stop the Beat" (part 1)
11
I
TRACY
You can't stop an avalanche As it races down the hill
You can try to stop the seasons, girl But 'cha know you never will
HAIR9PRAY 117
TRACY (contin ued)
And you can try to stop my dancin' feet But I just can not stand still
'Ca use the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round
And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound
I was lost ti ll I hea rd the drums Then I found my way
TRACY & LIN K
PEN NY (contin ued)
l You can try and stop the ha nds of time
But 'cha know it just won't be
And if they try to stop us, Seaweed I'll call the NAACP!
'Cause the world keeps spinning

'Round and 'round SEAWEED
'Round and 'round
And my hea rt's keeping time To the speed of sound
Speed of sound
'Cause you can't stop the beat I was lost till I heard the drums Then I
found my way
Ever since this old world began
A woman found out if she shook it She could shake up a man
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it The best that I can today
'Ca use you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder if you wanna But I never ask why
And if you try to hold me down
I'm gonna spit in your eye and say That you can't stop the beat!
What d'ya say, Pen ny?
(PEN NY appears. She is totally restyled cool! The remaining BLACK

DANCERS escort her.)
PEN NY
Ia m now a checker boa rd chick!
PEN NY, SEAWEED, TRACY, & LINK
'Cause you can't stop the beat

Ever since we first saw the light
A ma n and woman liked to shake it On a Saturday night
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it With all my might today-ay-ay-ay
'Cause you ca n't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above
They can·try to stop the parad ise We're dreaming of
But they cannot stop the rhythm Of two hearts in love to stay 'Cause you
can't stop the beat!
(The ARMED G UARDS begin to turn around to reveal themselves to he

the BLACK MALE ENSEMBLE.)
TRACY: Get her!
You can't stop a river As it rushes to the sea
BACKU P
Ooh-ooh
(The BLACK MALE ENSE MBLE carry VELMA off.)
Amber, this is my dance, a nd it's ded icated to everybody!
O'Donnell, Meehan, !lhaiman, and Wittman HAIRSPRAY 119
(TRACY,LINK,SEAWEED,PENNY,and the BLACK KIDS dance
their asses off, then pull the COUNCIL MEMBERS in until all the KIDS are
dancing together! All, that is, except AMBER, who has taken the crown
and sash and defiantly has taken possession of the throne.)
ALL
A man and woman liked to shake it On a Saturday night
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it With all my might today
'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above
.They can try to stop the paradise We're dreaming of
But they cannot stop the rhythm
Of two hearts in love to stay 'Cause you can't stop the beat! You
can't stop the beat!!
You can't stop the beat! !!
Trncy!
(triumphant applause)
CORNY: Everyone, look... Look at the scoreboard!
(ALL turn to see the scoreboard spontaneously com busting, showing

TRACY is the overwhelming winner.)
Tracy Turnblad, I declare you Miss Teenage Hairspray 1962!
VE LMA & AMBER: No!
AMBER: It's wrong! It's just so wrong!
LITTLE IN EZ: (to AMBER) Hand over that halo, honey.
AMlll ER: You'll have to rip it from my cold, dead hands.

LITTLE IN EZ: That'll work.
TRACY: You can keep your stupid crown, Amber.I have my heart set on
something a lot more important.
LINK: Would that happen to be,,. me?
TRACY: Of course you, Link. But I also want a graduate degree in

musicology with a minor in ethnic studies, And I want to be the first one
to say,The Corny Collins Show is now and forevermore officially
integrated!
(A cheerfills the Eventorium.)
CORNY: America look up! Here's history right before your eyes.
Television will never be the same.
SPRITZER: (entering ecstatic, takes the microphonefrom CORNY)
This is marvelous. The phones are going crazy. The whole country's
watching. Even the governor called. He's enjoying the show so much
that he's granted a pardon to Tracy,plus a full scholarship to Essex
Community College! You cannot buy this kind of publicity. Velma, you
are a genius!
VELMA: Iam? Yes, I am.
SPRITZER: Ultra Clutch is about to launch an entirely new line of

products, and I want this woman to head the campaign,
VELMA: (curiously) Ijust don't know what to say.
SPRITZER: It comes with offices, a company car, and a multi figured

salary.
VE LMA: (hopefully) Ijust don't know whatto say.
SPRITZER: Velma Von Tussle, you are the newly appointed vice
president of Ultra Glow, beauty products for women of color!
VE LMA: (stupijied ) Ijust don't know what to sayl
!,
HAIR9PRAY 121
SPRITZER: (to LINK and TRACY) And America would like to hear you two
kids sing our new theme song. Ithink I can get you a recording contract.
LINK: My big break!
(The happiness is shattered with a scream as PRUDY runs down the

aisle...)
PRUDY: Give me back my daughter! I know you've got her. I saw it on TV.
(PENNY stops andfaces PRUDY, SEAWEED stands protectively by.)
(SEAWEED climbs the giant hairspray can, ready to
f trigger it.)
i WILBUR: This could be the largest novelty item ever erected. Fire!
i
' (SEAWEED pushes the nozzle, and the hairspray can explodes in
smoke and glitter to reveal EDNA dressed in
finery.)
EDNA: So, what'd I miss? I've been stuck in that can since lunch.
And Iwouldn't rush right in there after me if Iwas you.
TRACY: Mama, we did it! We're on national TV.
EDNA: National television? America, I made this myself!
Penny. I hardly recognize you done up like that. !
PENNY: I'm a pretty girl,Mama.
PRUDY: And you look so happy.I can't say it's what I want, but if
EDNA
"You Can't Stop the Beat" (part 2)
this fine looking, catlike black boy is responsible for the light in your
eyes, then how could I object? ·.
(PRUDY and PENNY embrace. SEAWEED embraces PRUDY.)
CORNY: live television-there's nothing like it.
LINK: This may not be the right moment since we're on national
You can't stop my ha ppiness 'Cause I l i ke the way I am
And you just can't stop my knife and fork When I see a Christmas ham
So if you don't likethe way I look Well, I just don't give a damn!
BACKUP
. TV and all, but Tracy,if I don't kiss you now, Ijust may bust a gut.
TRACY: Well, Icertainly wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.
(They kiss.)
WILBUR: That's my girll
'Cause the world keeps spinning
'Round and 'round
I was lost till I hea rd the drums Then I found my way
Keeps spinning 'Round and 'round Keeping time
To the speed of sound Till I heard the drums Then I found my way
VELMA: Before Iget completely sick, would somebody tell me this
-If she came in through the front door...what the hell is in that can?
WILBUR: My masterpiece. Seaweed, would you give me a hand?
SEAWEED: Comin' right up,Mr.T!
O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Willman

ALL
'Cause you can't stop the beat Ever since this old world bega n
A woman found out if she shook it She could shake u p a ma n
And so I'm gon na shake and shimmy it ThE! best that I can today
HAIRSPRAY 123
ALL (conti n ued) 'Cause you can't stop
The motion of the ocean Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder if you wan na But I never ask why
And if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in you r eye and say
MOTORMOUTH (contin ued)
I was lost till I heard the drums Then I found my way
'Cause you can't stop the beat
ALL
A man and woman liked to shake it On a Saturday night
BACKU P (conti n u.ed) Till I heard the drums Then I found my way
That you can't stop the beat!
EDNA: Wil bu r, be a dear and ca ll for backu p... Nowl

(Now MOTORMOUTH stepsforward and removes her riot helmet.)
WI LBU R: Officer! Assista nce please!
MOTORMOUTH
Step aside, Miss Buttercu p... it's time to wra p this m utha u p!
Oh, oh, oh,
You can't stop today BACKUP (contin ued) No!
As it comes speeding down the track
Oo-00-00 child yes
Child, yesterday is hist'ry
Be gone
And it's never coming back
Look ahead
'Cause tomorrow is a brand-new day 'Cause tomorrow...
...Brand-new day
And it don't know white from black
Yeah!
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it With a ll my might today-ay-ay-

ay
'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocea n Or the rain from above
They can try to stop the paradise
1 We're dreaming of
But they cannot stop the rhythm
Of two hea rts in love to stay
,I 'Cause you can't stop the beat!
1 . {VELMA is by AMBE R'S side. They are defeated and
confused until the ENSEMBLE focus on them...)
Aah, aah, aah Aah, aah, aah Aah, aah, aah
Come on you Von Tussles
Go on and shake your fanny m uscles
I VELMA & AMBER
'· We can't!
ALL
'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'rou nd
Keeps spinning 'Round and 'round Keeping time

To the speed of sound
Yes, you can!
VELMA & AMBER
No, we can't!
O'Donnell, Meehan, 9hairnan, and Wittrnan HAIRSPRAY 125
ALL
Yes, you can!
VELMA & AMBE R
Yes, we can...!!!
ALL
You can't stop the beat
VELMA Iii AMBER
Ever since we first saw the sun ·
It seems Von Tussle girls are always Tryin' to please someone
But now we're gonna Shake and shimmy it
And have some fun today
ALL
'Cause you ca n't stop The motion of the ocea n Or the rain from above
They can try to stop the paradise We're dreaming of

But they cannot stop the rhythm Of two hearts in love to stay 'Cause you
ca n't stop the beat! You can't stop the beat!!
You can't stop the beat! !!
(Curtain}
(£nd of Show)
image
BACKUP
Ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh
...Today
12 126

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What is the plot of the story?

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What are the main themes explored in the story?

What are the main themes explored in the story?

Page 1 of 1

Book by MARK O'DONNELL and THOMAS MEEHAN

Music by MARC SHAIMAN

Production photos by Paul l<olnik

THEATRE & CINEMA BOOKS

SHOSHANA etor but always

Edna HARVEY local TV teen

Motormouth MARV BOND

(in order of appearance)

Cindy JUDINE RICHARD

Swings JOSHUA BERGASSE, GREG GRAHAM, BROOKE TANSLEY

Eric Anthony,Shoshana Bean, Eric Dysart, Adam Fleming,Jennifer

MALE AUTHORITY FIGURE One man plays assorted middle-aged men: a

principal, a flamboyant fashion boutique owner, a cop, and a corrupt jail

aged women: Prudy (Penny's incredibly uptight and small-minded

THE DYNAMITES A trio of ultra-glamorous black divas who emerge from

"I Can Hear the Bells"

TRACY & COMPANY CORNY COLLINS & COMPANY

EDNA, TRACY. PRUDY. PENNY. VELMA, AMBER, & COMPANY

TRACY & COMPANY

THE COUNCIL MEMBERS

"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" VELMA

PATTERSON PARK HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS DENIZENS OF

"Nicest Kids in Town" (reprise) "It Takes Two"·

CORNY COLLINS & COMPANY

"Welcome to the '60s" TRACY, EDNA, & COMPANY

"Run and Tell That!" SEAWEED, LITTLE INEZ, & COMPANY

"Big, Blonde, & Beautiful" MOTORMOUTH, TRACY, EDNA, & COMPANY

"The Big Dollhouse"

"Good Morning Baltimore" (reprise)

"You Can't Stop the Beat" (part 1) FULL COMPANY

"You Can't 91op the Beat" (part 2) FULL COMPANY

"Good Morning Baltimore"

Oh, oh, oh Woke up today

Feeling the way I always do Oh, oh, oh

Hungry for something that I ca n't eat

Then I hea r the beat

That rhyth m of town Starts calling me down

It's like a message from high.above Oh, oh, oh

To the smiles and the streets that I love

Good morning Baltimore Every day's like an open door

Every night is a fantasy

Every sound's like a symphony

Good morning Baltimore And some day

When I take to the floor

Good morning Baltimore

Good morning Baltimore Ooh-ooh

The world's gonna wake up and see Aah-see-ee·

Balti more and me

4 O'Donnell, Meehan, 9haiman, and Wittman HAIRSPRAY

TRACY (conti n ued)

And I promise Baltimore That some day

When Ita ke to the floor

BACKU P (conti n ued)

Take to the floor Wah...see