The 36 Questions That Lead To Love - The New York Times

2/18/2020 The 36 Questions That Lead to Love - The New York Times
The 36 Questions
That Lead to Love
By Daniel Jones
Jan. 9, 2015
In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she
refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether
intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific
series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets,
with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One
key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is
sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable
with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.
The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four
minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes
to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just
enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-
old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/36-questions-that-lead-to-love.html 1/3
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it
be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything
else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done
it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about
the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner.
Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most
other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ...
“
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be
important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that
you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what
would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones
and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be?
Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle
it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the
problem you have chosen.
TINY LOVE STORIES Discover our new weekly feature, Tiny Love Stories, which is essentially Modern Love in
miniature — reader-submitted stories of no more than 100 words.

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2/18/2020 The 36 Questions That Lead to Love - The New York Times

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

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