Exploring Our Many Selves

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LIL Quark-Part One 1/22/01 8:49 AM Page 57

Exploring Our Many Selves • 57

us. If we express an energy that invokes approval and positive


attention, we are likely to continue to develop that quality. On the
other hand, if something we do draws disapproval, criticism, or
punishment, we are likely to discontinue it (unless that is the only
form of attention we can get, in which case we may continue it).
Fairly soon, we have a pretty good sense of which energies help
us get our needs met and which ones seem to cause us more prob-
lems than they are worth. This varies greatly according to each
individual, family system, time period, and culture.
As we grow up, we continue to develop the energies that seem
to work best to meet our needs. We become very identified with
these qualities; that’s who we think we are. These dominant ener-
gies become our primary selves — the inner characters whose job
it is to take care of us and make our lives work as well as possible.
There are usually a group of primary selves who work togeth-
er as a team, making most of our decisions for us. For example,
some of my primary selves are the super-responsible one, the
pleaser (who wants to make everyone happy so they will like me),
the pusher (who wants me to work hard and accomplish a lot), the
caretaking mother (who takes care of the child in other people so
that they’ll feel good with me), the consciousness teacher/healer.
There are a number of others on the team as well. They have all
worked very hard to make me a worthy, well-loved, and successful
person.
For every primary self, there is an opposite energy, which
oftentimes has been repressed or denied because one way or anoth-
er we got the message that it was not okay, or because it simply has-

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