Together Notes: 10 Important Relational Needs

These notes give information about the ‘Great Commandment Network’, ‘ILM
relational Ministry UK’ and details of the teaching on relational needs as it appears in
’Keeping Marriages Healthy’, by Dr David & Teresa Ferguson.

Acceptance Looking beyond faults, differences, irritations to see worth. An

unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.

Affection Greeting with a kiss. Verbalising "I care for you", "I'm here for you.” Hugging
and touching non-sexual and sexual. “I love you.”

Appreciation Noticing the things that a husband or a wife does and being grateful
or complimentary. Not taking things for granted. Looking for the best rather than
being ready to point out the flaws.

Approval Recognising the special things about a husband or wife and thanking
him/her for being who they are.

Attention Being together, doing things together. Taking time to listen, remembering
to tell each other about the day. Interest without criticism.

Comfort Sensitively showing concern at a partner’s disappointment or hurt. Taking

feelings seriously. Hurting with and for another’s pain.

Encouragement Helping a partner to keep going when enthusiasm has gone. Not
rushing in to take over a task from a struggling partner when encouragement would
result in the task being completed.

Respect Honouring each other. Never putting each other down in front of others.
Using humour sensitively; being willing to be serious when a joke would be hurtful and
imply criticism.

Security Knowing that security is found in strong, reliable relationships and making a
priority of reminding a partner of your long term commitment to them. Doing the
“little things” with consistency.

Support Giving the message to a partner that you can be counted on when
needed. Noticing times of particular stress and offering help. Sharing tasks.

We all need the above in some measure and especially at particular times. However
there will be certain of these relational needs that you will enjoy receiving over and
above the others. You are invited to choose which are your top three needs and
guess which 3 needs your marriage partner most enjoys receiving.

Myself Relationship Needs Partner

Acceptance – receive me unconditionally; look beyond my faults and

irritations, respond positively to me (Rom. 15:7)

Affection – communicate care and closeness through physical touch.

Tell me you love me (Rom 16:16)

Appreciation – verbalise your personal gratefulness for me, notice my

achievements (1 Cor. 11:2)

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 Approval – commend me for who I am. Speak well of me to others
(Eph 4:29)

Attention – show interest in and support for my concerns; enter my

world with me (1 Cor. 12:25)

Comfort – share in my pain by feeling the hurt with me, console me

with tenderness (Rom. 12:15)

Encouragement – urge me forward positively; help me persevere

towards my goal (1 Thes. 5:11)

Respect – value my ideas, give regard to my opinions; show me my

worth to you (Rom. 12:10)

Security – protect me from harm, pursue harmony, give me confidence

when I am vulnerable (Rom 12:16a)

Support – come alongside me to gently help me carry a load (Gal. 6:2)

The result of unmet need?

There are three main dangers for us when needs are unmet.
Selfishness - we seek to take from others instead of giving. Within a marriage each
partner can become preoccupied with their own needs, looking always to take what
they consider to be their right to have, never focusing on giving first to the other.
Taking for ourselves is never satisfying and such a relationship will crumble.

Self-reliance - believing that all that is needed to survive and be happy can be found
within oneself. Families can encourage self-reliance and discourage showing true
feelings to others. The ability to stuff feelings down inside is then regarded as a virtue.
Those who have experienced a lot of hurt or pain in childhood may have wrongly
learnt that to survive they mustn't let anyone see their hurt. "Big boys or girls don't cry".
Sadly, it is also difficult to feel positive emotions, to feel loved by another, if self-
sufficiency has been the priority.

Self-condemnation - believing that we are not really loveable, that we are unworthy,
and responsible for everything, particularly the things that go wrong. Such a person
feels guilty that they have needs and finds it very difficult to receive.

About the Great Commandment Network

The Great Commandment Network is a team of denominational partners, churches,
para-church ministries and strategic ministry leaders who are committed to the
development of on-going Great Commandment ministries worldwide. Great
Commandment ministries help us love God and our neighbours through deepening
our intimacy with God and with others in marriage, family, church and community
relationships.

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The Great Commandment Network is served by Intimate Life Ministries through the
following:

• The Centre for Relational Leadership – Their mission is to teach, train and
mentor both ministry and corporate leaders in Great Commandment
principles, seeking to equip leaders with relational skills so they might lead as
Jesus led. The CRL then challenges leaders to train their co-workers in these
relevant, relational principles because great relational skills can, and will
impact, customer/member satisfaction, morale, productivity and ultimately,
an organization’s measurable success.

• The Centre for Relational Ministry Training – Through a team of accredited

community trainers, the CRMT helps churches establish ongoing Great
Commandment ministries. They offer an on-line supported, structured process
for guiding church leaders through relational ministry training. Training is
available in a variety of relational areas: Marriage, Parenting, Single Adult
Relationships, Leadership, Emotional Fitness, Care-giving and Spiritual
Formation.

• The Galatians 6:6 Retreat Ministry – This ministry offers a unique two-day retreat
for ministers and their spouses for personal renewal and for re-establishing and
affirming ministry and family priorities. Co-sponsoring partners provide all meals
and retreat accommodations as a gift to ministry leaders.

• Great Commandment Radio – Christian broadcasters, publishers, media and

other affiliates build cooperative relationships in order to see Great
Commandment ministries multiplied.

• Relationship Press – This team collaborates, supports and joins together with
churches, denominational partners and professional associates to develop,
print and produce resources that facilitate on-going Great Commandment
ministry. Experiential, user-friendly curriculum materials allow individuals,
churches and entire denominations to deepen Great Commandment love.
Great Commandment Ministry On-Line provides tools for relationships and the
workplace including helpful downloads such as family night tips, marriage
staff meeting ideas, daily couple devotionals, and ways singles can reach out
to other single adults by meeting relational needs. Tools for the workplace
include goal setting, time management, and life balance assessment.

The Great Commandment Network is also served by The Centre for Relational Care:

• The Centre for Relational Care (CRC) – Their missions is to equip churches to
minister effectively to hurting people. The CRC provides therapy and support
to relationships in crisis through an accelerated process of growth and
healing, including Relational Care Intensives for couples, families, and singles.
The CRC also offers training for counsellors and caregivers through More Than
Counselling seminars.

www.RelationalCare.org

For more information on how you, your church, ministry, denomination, or movement
can become part of the Great Commandment Network and take advantage of the
services and resources offered by Intimate Life Ministries, write or call:

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Intimate Life Ministries
P.O. Box 201808
Austin, TX 78720-1808
800-881-8008

Or visit our website:

www.GreatCommandment.net

ILM Relational Ministry UK

Part of the International Great Commandment Network

Centre for Relational Ministry UK

The UK office send out a monthly community email which can be subscribed to from
the website www.relationaltraining.co.uk This provides news about training
opportunities in the UK, also resources, articles and information for those wanting to
develop a relational emphasis in their church/ ministry Office Tel 01926 430889

Invitations to Galatians 66 retreats for ministry leaders in the UK

Workbooks and other resources can be purchased in the UK. For details visit the
website.

Centre for Relational Training UK

Relational Ministry Training is a 2 day opportunity to experience the Intimate Life
message through teaching and small groups. These take place in Warwick and other
venues in the UK. For details of the next training time visit our website
www.relationaltraining.co.uk

Relational Ministry One day workshops for churches on a variety of topics from the
range of resources and course workbooks produced by ILM Relationship Press. ILM UK
accredited trainers lead the workshops and then offer encouragement and support
to those leading the follow up courses. Workshop details and opportunity to book a
workshop can be found on the website

Centre for Relational Care

Providing one on one counselling and education in relational principles and offering
participation in 3 day Marriage Care Intensives
For more details phone 01926 430901

Centre for Relational Leadership

Teaching, training and mentoring for leadership teams, providing a relational
perspective based on Great Commandment principles.

For more details phone 01926 421167

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