How A Narcissist Treats A Chronically Ill Spouse

How a Narcissist
Treats a Chronically Ill

Spouse
Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board —
Written by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on
February 23, 2018
Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone

ring so at 5 am. She was in her second
semester of college and was busy with
school and work. It was her narcissistic dad
calling her, which he hadnt done since she
left home, so she was immediately on high
alert.
He skipped any niceties and immediately

started with what a terrible daughter she
was. He explained that her mother was sick
and it was all her fault. He gave no details
about her moms illness and when Kathy tried
to inquire, he abruptly hung up the phone.
She tried calling him back but he refused to
answer.
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Kathy went into panic mode. It was winter
time and despite a huge snowstorm, she
risked being on the road, called in sick to
work, skipped her classes, and headed
home. Her mom was surprised to see her
knowing nothing of the early morning call
from her dad.
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It turned out her mom was diagnosed with

:
Crohns Disease. The doctor had given strict
instructions for her to rest, change her diet,
take some medication, and reduce the stress
in her life. Since they caught it in the early
stages, the changes were not that
significant.
As they pieced the panicked phone call

together, they realized what upset her dad.
Mom was no longer able to do many of the
things around the house and her dad,
instead of picking up the slack, wanted
Kathy to do the work. Kathy was furious at
her dad but also knew that her mom needed
some help, so she stayed.
Kathy instinctively knew that she was going

to receive many early morning vague phone
calls from her dad going forward. So she
decided to equip herself with knowledge as
to why and how a narcissist treats their
chronically ill spouse. Here is what she
found.
Narcissists arent caretakers. In order

for the narcissistic ego to thrive, it
requires constant feeding of attention,
affirmation, affection, and appreciation.
While they are pros at obtaining these
from family, friends, and co-workers,
there is no reciprocity. Their lack of
empathy limits their ability to see that
others might need some caring.
Expecting this is like asking a snake not
to bit you when you are hurt.
:
Narcissists avoid responsibility. While
some narcissists are responsible at
work, being this way at home is an
entirely different proposal. In this case,
if Kathys dad accepted any
responsibility that would mean he
might be held accountable for her
moms high level of stress. He might
then have to apologize, change, and
stop blaming her. This is too much for
his ego, so he passed his responsibility
to other family members.
Narcissists arent servants. At the core
of caretaking is the heart of a servant.
Since part of the definition of
narcissism includes a superiority
attitude and internal belief structure, an
indentured servant is not part of that
make-up. They physically, emotionally,
and mentally cannot lower themselves
to that place.
Narcissists protect their image. To
many narcissists, a sick spouse is not
the image of the perfect family that
they have created. Part of their
superiority comes from defining
themselves as better than the average
person; they are special and unique
and can only be around like people. A
person who is sick is beneath the
average person and therefore is not
someone they can associate. This is
why many narcissists abandon their
spouse at the first sign of any type of
:
long-term illness.
Do you see a pattern? Even when their
spouse is in need of additional
attention and care, the narcissist
cannot remove their ego in order to
provide support. They might guilt-trip
other family members into helping, hire
expensive services, pick this time to
have an affair, and sometimes
prematurely hospitalize or
institutionalize their spouse. It is, after
all, all about the narcissist.
Spouse feels abandoned. Most
spouses of narcissists are already
accustomed to the unequal balance of
caretaking. But one of the reasons
spouses stay is that they hold onto the
hope that when things get really bad,
the narcissist will step-up to the plate.
After all, the narcissist likes to rescue
other people outside the family so why
wont they do it for their spouse? So
when this core belief is shattered, the
spouse feels a deep level of
abandonment, increased insecurity,
and intense anxiety about the future.
Spouse blames self. Some narcissists
pick this time to escalate the verbal
assaults on their spouse or go
completely silent as a way of
SUBSCRIBE
expressing their anger over having to
deal with a sick spouse. This negative
talk or isolation is absorbed by the
spouse as being ultimately their fault
:
for getting sick in the first place. The
narcissist even reinforces this idea by
claiming that the spouses improper
management of stress is causing their
sickness and none of this is the
narcissists fault.
Spouse believes the lie. Not too long
after accepting full responsibility for the
illness, the spouse is hit with another
lie. The narcissist will start discounting
doctors, minimizing the effects of the
illness, and parading others around
with similar illnesses in an effort to
shame their spouse into believing that
the sickness is only a mental
manifestation of the spouses
ADVERTISEMENT weakness. This is like!pouring salt onto
an open wound. Any rebuttal from the
spouse is met with anger.
Spouse becomes sicker. All of this

additional weight from the narcissist is
too much for a sick spouse to bear so
they become even worse, not better.
Some die all too early because of the
increased stress and anxiety. Many
studies have shown that a positive
outlook and environment can reduce
the physical effects of long-term illness
allowing some go into remission or
even completely recover.
Kathy could no longer watch from the

sidelines as her mom deteriorated so she
contacted her siblings and they worked out
:
a plan for her mom to leave and stay with
each of them. In a matter of months, her
moms health greatly improved as she was
cared for well by her children.
Last medically reviewed on February 23, 2018
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How does a narcissist treat their chronically ill spouse?

How does a narcissist treat their chronically ill spouse?

What are some characteristics of how a narcissist behaves?

What are some characteristics of how a narcissist behaves?

How a Narcissist

Treats a Chronically Ill

Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone

He skipped any niceties and immediately

PSYCH CENTRAL NEWSLETTER

Get our weekly newsletter

Enter your email

Your privacy is important to us

It turned out her mom was diagnosed with

As they pieced the panicked phone call

Kathy instinctively knew that she was going

Narcissists arent caretakers. In order

Spouse becomes sicker. All of this

Kathy could no longer watch from the

Last medically reviewed on February 23, 2018

READ THIS NEXT

Bipolar Disorder Fact Sheet

Signs of Major Depression

Signs of Major Depression

Paranoia: It's More Than

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