Introduction – Conflict is the Stuff

of Life
Have you ever had a conflict and wished you could have handled it better?

Conflict results from differences – in needs, values and motives. Sometimes

through these differences we complement each other, but sometimes we
oppose each other. Conflict is not a problem in itself – it is what we do with it
that counts.

It is important that we do something because whether we like it or not, conflict

demands our energy. In fact, an unresolved conflict takes a lot of our
attention. We all know how exhausting an unresolved conflict can be. It is not
always easy to fix the problem but a great energy boost can come when we
do. Resolving conflict requires skills.

What are Conflict Resolution Skills?

They are the skills that enable us to bypass personal differences and open to
possibilities. The skills of CR draw us closer to other people, as we jointly
search for fair solutions and balanced needs. It involves a huge relationship
shift from adversaries to co-operative partners. In this shift each person
benefits.

CR skills create better work climates and

more fulfilling relationships
 Organisational managers find conflict-handling skills important. Conflict is an
opportunity for learning more about the company – its bottle-necks and
inefficiencies, as well as its areas of expertise. The learning potential of
conflict often goes unrecognised when staff and management react with “fight”
or “flight”. Conflict Resolution skills require a third way, “Flow”.

These interpersonal skills are also the tools for building friendship and
intimacy. A deeper trust develops as people learn “we can work it out”.
Relationships become more fulfilling and supportive.

The Conflict Resolution Network has put together a toolkit of 12 skills – you
can reach in and take out what fits for any occasion. Conflict Resolution skills
teach the psychology of effective communication. They are: 
1. The Win-Win Approach 
2. The Creative Response
3. Empathy
4. Appropriate Assertiveness
5. Co-operative Power
6. Managing Emotions
7. Willingness to Resolve
8. Mapping the Conflict
9. Development of Options
10. Negotiation Skills
11. Third Party Mediation 
12. Broadening Perspectives

Our philosophy
The resolution of world conflict does not lie only with governments. Everybody
can support international peace endeavours. The Conflict Resolution Network
is a peace program with daily relevance. The conflict-resolving manager helps
build an effective economic system. The effective individual builds friendships
and intimacy around them – vital components in social communication. We
are all part of the giant web of communication and we can start from where we
stand in it.

How conflict develops

Conflict can develop in a predictable way. Here we see the value of skilful
action or intervention, even when it all looks like “small stuff” or “nothing
much”.
Discomfort
Discomfort is a worrying feeling that something is not quite right and you are
not sure why. 
How can you get comfortable? Say something or ask a question. Check how
the other person feels. Are they worried about something? Try some small talk
to relax the relationship or get more general information. It’s not a big issue
yet. Perhaps it really isn’t about you and you should stay out of it. 
Incident
An incident is relatively minor. Something has happened that leaves you
feeling a bit irritated or upset. You might think you should just forget about it
because it’s not important. Over time it might cause problems.
Talk with them about it as soon as you both can. Use facts and good dialogue
and listen to their explanation. It is a small thing and you want to be sure that
the relationship goes well from now on. Express respect and good will to put it
to rest. 

Misunderstanding
 People misunderstand each other when they make false assumptions. They
might have confused some facts or misinterpreted the other person’s motives.
Perhaps a sensitive issue was raised and communication has not fixed the
problem yet.  You often think about the problem and perhaps exaggerate it
with new concerns. 
Have a longer, deeper talk about the situation. Make it relaxed and unrushed.
Don’t assume you understand. Check your assumptions, conclusions and the
meaning you are making of it.

Tension
 A build-up of failed communications precedes a state of tension. Emotions
are high and the relationship is weighed down with the negative attitudes and
fixed opinions of both. 
It has taken time to get this bad. It will take time fix it. Name the good reasons
to resolve the issues. Everyone has to want it fixed. Deal with your own bad
feelings first. Be prepared: you will need a plan with a range of actions. Work
patiently on the relationship as well as the bigger issues. Work together over
time with everyone involved. You may need a neutral person to help. 

Crisis
A crisis has extreme behaviours and emotions at boiling point. Perhaps
someone walks out of a job or a relationship. There may be a very heated
argument or violence. It feels out of control.
Someone with authority may be needed for control. Someone with a cool
head may be able to make the communication of information clear and simple.
People may need support and practical help. First, make sure it is safe and
calm. Work on long-term outcomes later.

1.  Win-Win Approach 
Opponents or Partners?
The win-win approach is about changing the conflict from attack and defence,
to co-operation. It alters the direction of communication.

One person consistently applying a joint problem-solving approach can make

the difference. That’s you. Therefore, the first person you have to convince is
yourself.

Until we pay attention, we are usually unaware of the way we argue. We find
ourselves having a knee-jerk reaction in difficult situations – based on long
established habits combined with the passing mood of the moment. If one
person is right, then the other person must be wrong.
We need to take a moment to consider the best approach for the
circumstances
The most important win-win manoeuvre you can make is to change direction
by listening, then discussing.
The win-win approach says:

I want to win and I want you to win too 

How to have this happen?

Go Back to needs

Discuss underlying needs, rather than only looking at solutions. The following
story makes the point quite well:
There are two people in a kitchen. There is only one orange left and both of
them want it. What would you expect as the solution? Compromise is one
option. They might cut it in half and each gets half.

Let’s assume that’s what they do. One person now goes to the juicer and
starts squeezing a too-small orange juice. The other, with some difficulty,
begins to grate the rind of the orange to flavour a cake. 
If they had discussed needs rather than heading straight to solutions, they
could have both had the equivalent of a whole orange. Their needs were
complementary, in fact, not conflicting.

Addressing each person’s underlying needs means you build solutions that
acknowledge and value those needs, rather than denying them. Even where
solutions cannot be as perfect as in the orange story, people feel differently
about the outcome.

To probe below the surface, redirect the energy by asking questions like:
“Why does that seem to be the best solution to you?” 

“What’s your real need here?” 

“What interests need to be served in this situation?” 

“What values are important to you here?” 

“What’s the outcome or result you want?”

The answers can significantly alter the discussion. It digs up the raw materials
 for co-operation. It allows you to say what you need and for other people to
say what they need too.

A win-win approach rests on:

 going back to underlying needs
 recognising individual differences
 adapting one’s position in the light of shared information and attitudes
 attacking the problem, not the people

It succeeds because co-operation gives both people more of what they want.
The Win/Win approach is conflict resolution for mutual gain.  

2.  Creative Response     
Problems or possibilities?

The Creative response to conflict is seeing problems as possibilities. Deciding

to see what can be done, rather than how terrible it all is, choosing to extract
the best from the situation.

See how our attitudes colour our thoughts, for example, “Perfection” versus
“Discovery”. Let’s call them attitude “hats”. Which “hat” do you wear each
day? Do you see difficulties as problems or as challenges?

The Perfection hat judges and says: “Is this good enough or not?” (Usually not
…) “Does this meet my highest standards?” 

The Discovery hat is curious, it says: “How fascinating! What are the
 possibilities here?”

What is our mind chattering about under our Perfection hat?

 Right or wrong?
 Mistakes are unacceptable.
 Judgement.
 Failure!!
 I have to be right.
 Who is to blame?
 Low self-esteem!

The search for Perfection sets you up for “Winners – vs – Losers”

Such yardsticks can be used to make decisions about traffic jams, your
partner, the kids, the photocopy machine, the boss and, above all, yourself.

Is there a Discovery hat still sitting on the shelf of possibilities? When you
were a young child  and learning to walk you didn’t go “right foot”, “wrong
foot”, and each fall was as interesting as the next step. To the young child,
everything is part of the great experiment, including the tumble.  

You can take out that Discovery hat again and dust it off? What’s tucked away
underneath your Discovery hat?
 Curiosity
 Enthusiasm
 What are the possibilities?
 Acceptance
 Play
 How else can we look at this?
 High self-esteem!

The process of Discovery invites: “Winners – & – Learners”

If there are no failures, only learning, self-esteem gets a big boost. You can
put on your Discovery Hat and problems look like intriguing puzzles. “What will
make the difference so that he stops complaining to me all the time?”; “What
else can I try to get the kids to help with washing up?”; “What are we freed up
to do now that $7 million order has just been cancelled?”; “The photocopy
machine has broken down again, how fascinating!”

The process of Discovery invites, “Another Challenge? How Fascinating!

A not-so-famous but should-be maxim: “If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth
doing ….. !” is an invitation to experiment and risk.

Life is not about winning and losing – it’s about learning. When you fall down,
you pick yourself up and note where the pot-hole was so you can walk around
it the next time. A person who has gone “too far” knows just how far they can
go. No “winners – and – losers”, just “winners – and – learners”.

Ah, conflict! What an opportunity…

3.  Empathy
The tasks of active listening

Empathy is about building rapport, openness and trust between people. When
 it is absent, people are less likely to consider your needs and feelings. The
best way to build empathy is to ensure the other person knows that they are
understood. That means being an active listener. There are three specific
tasks to use in different situations: Listen for Information, Affirmation and
Inflammation.
1. Information – getting clear

AIM OF SPEAKER: to clarify the facts and what is wanted, so there is no

confusion or misunderstanding.

TASK OF THE LISTENER: to clarify your understanding of what the speaker

is saying, to check and confirm your understanding of the facts; plus ask
about anything relevant that they might not have said…
 ASK QUESTIONS – find out about needs, instructions, context, timing, costs etc.
 CHECK BACK – to be sure you have heard and understood the relevant details.
 SUMMARISE – to make sure you both agree on the facts.

As listener, you want to hear your speaker to confirm something like:  “Yes,
that’s it, that’s what I want” so you are both clear.

Don’t jump straight into solutions. Collect information. Find out how it is on the
other side first.
After this you will want to share your own perspective (see Appropriate
Assertiveness).
2. Affirmation – affirming, acknowledging and
exploring the impact of the problem.
 AIM OF SPEAKER: to talk about how the problem affects them.

TASK OF LISTENER:  to help the speaker really hear what they are saying
and/or to hear that you acknowledge their feelings.

Here, you recognise that the other person is helped by your taking time to
hear their problem.
 LISTEN – attentively to the speaker.
 REFLECT BACK – to the speaker their feelings, and perhaps the content of the
problem with a single statement of acknowledgement periodically. This is called
mirroring.
 EXPLORE – If time permits, assist the speaker to find greater clarity and
understanding for themselves. You might take several interchanges reflecting back the
speaker’s feelings over a longer period of time, so that you both understand the difficulty
in more depth. “Yes, that’s what I feel”, means that they have explored what they are
saying and they know they have been understood.

Offering advice won’t really help. The speaker finds greater clarity and
understanding of the problem for themselves. Active listening builds
relationship and trust.

 Don’t ignore or deny their feelings.

 Read both the non-verbal and verbal communication to assess feelings.
 Check back with them about their feelings as well as the content, even though
they may only be telling you about the content.
 If you’re not sure how they feel, ask them e.g. “How do you feel about that?”,
“How did that affect you?”
 Reflect back to them what you hear them saying, so they know you understand.
 If you get it wrong, ask an open question and try again e.g. “How do you see the
situation?”
 Allow some silences to grow in the conversation if appropriate. Thoughtful
silence can be fertile ground.
Remember that active listening is a method of helping the other person focus
below the words to the unresolved issues. Notice sighs and body shifts as
they often indicate some insight or acceptance. Pause before asking
something like, “So how is it now?”

3. Inflammation – defusing a highly emotional

complaint or when you are being blamed 

AIM OF SPEAKER: to tell you that you are the problem.

TASK OF LISTENER: to ensure the speaker knows that you have heard what
they are saying and to defuse the strong emotion. This is not the same as
agreeing with them. We know that this is not easy and will take lots of practise
and deep breathing!

When someone is emotionally blaming you, you want to defend yourself. You
feel attacked! Before getting defensive, take a pause and move into active
listening. It’s common to blame the other person, but not useful. Acknowledge
that it is difficult to be objective when emotion is high. Active listening is an
effective tool to reduce emotion of a situation. 
Every time you correctly label the emotion the other person is feeling, the
intensity of it dissipates. The speaker starts to feel heard and understood.
Once the emotional level of the conflict has been reduced, reasoning abilities
for both of you can function more effectively. When someone is telling you
they are unhappy with you, criticising you, complaining about you, or just
getting it off their chest:
 DON’T DEFEND yourself at this point. It will only inflame them further, they can’t
hear you and they will argue.
 DEAL FIRST WITH THEIR EMOTIONS – People shout because they don’t think
they are being heard. Make sure they know they are – that you are hearing how angry
or upset they are. Name the emotions/feelings as you pick them up.
 ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR SIDE – This does not mean you agree with them, only
that you are registering their viewpoint e.g. “I can see why you’re so upset”.

Slow down and draw them out further. Explore gently with them if there is
more behind the emotion. Once the heat is out of the conversation, you might
say how it is for you without denying how it is for them.

Ask what could be done now to make it OK again. If they heat up again, go
straight back to active listening.

When the speaker says something like, “Yes, that’s what I said”, they know
the listener has taken in their point. 

Move towards options for change or solution. Ask what they really want, or
what they want now.

For them to change first I must change.

 One of the first things I might need to change is my approach.
 Don’t rise to the bait, and retaliate.
 Don’t start justifying, or acting defensive.
 Continue active listening until they’ve calmed down.
 Use phrases like, “I can see how upset you are”, “You feel like you’ve reached
your limit”, “Have I got it right?”.
Keep on reflecting back as accurately as you can until they calm down from
the high emotion. If it is working they will explain everything in some detail, but
as the interchange continues the heat should be going out of the
conversation. When this happens, you have really achieved something!
Eventually they will be ready and able to listen to you.

4. Appropriate assertiveness      

When to use “I” statements

Appropriate Assertiveness is being able to state your case without arousing

the defences of the other person. It works when you say how it is for you
rather than what they should or shouldn’t do. “The way I see it…”, attached to
your assertive statement, helps. A skilled “I” statement goes even further.

The “I” statement formula can be useful because it says how it is for me, how I
see it from my point of view. It stays out of their space.

You could waste brain power predicting the other person’s response. Don’t!
Just be sure that you haven’t used inflammatory language, that is it should be
“CLEAN”. Because you don’t know how the other person will respond, the
cleanest “I” statements are delivered to state what you need, not to force them
to fix things.

Use an “I” statement when you need to let the other person know that you feel
strongly about the issue. Others can underestimate how hurt, angry or put out
 you are, so it’s useful to say exactly what’s going on for you, describing not
blaming. Your “I” statement should be simple and “CLEAR”.

What your “I” statement isn’t

Your “I” statement is not about being polite. It’s not to do with “soft” or “nice”,
nor should it be rude. It’s just clear.

It’s not the resolution; it’s the opener to a conversation. Don’t expect it to fix
things straight away. Don’t think the other person is going to respond as you
want them to immediately.

A well-intentioned “I” statement:

 is unlikely to do any harm
 is a step in the right direction
 is sure to change the current situation in some way
 is open to possibilities that you may not yet see.

Sometimes the situation may not look any different, yet after a clean, clear “I”
statement it may feel different, which on its own changes things. Here’s an
example:

Nan was upset when she heard her adult son, Tommy, had visited town and
not bothered to call or see her. They seemed to be growing further apart, and
she had been brooding over this. She did not want to appear to nag him, or
say anything to make things worse. She did want to see him when he came to
town.

When next they spoke, she prepared herself for the conversation with a well-
rehearsed “I” statement. She got it “clear” and “clean”. She was very sure she
wanted a conversation that would be different from all those times she hinted
at the problem without really saying it.

“When I miss out on seeing you I feel hurt and what I’d like is to have contact
with you when you are in town.”

She said it. Tommy immediately reacted with “You’re always going at me with
the same old thing.” But Nan had a clear intention. “No”, she said. “This time I
said something different. I was simply telling you how I feel.”

For the first time on this issue, he really heard her. There was a moment’s
silence. Then instead of getting defensive (his usual pattern) he said “Well,
actually I’ve tried to phone a few times. You weren’t home.” She
acknowledged that was so. She felt much better and they then went on to
have the best conversation in ages.
The next time someone shouts at you and you don’t like it, resist the
temptation to withdraw rapidly (maybe slamming the door on the way out).
Resist the temptation to shout back to stop the onslaught, and deal with your
own rising anger.

This is the time for APPROPRIATE ASSERTIVENESS. Take a deep breath.

Stay centred, feet firmly planted on the ground, and get your mind into “I”
statement gear. Start mixing a three ingredient recipe:

When… I hear a voice raised at me

I feel... humiliated

And what I’d like is that I… can discuss an issue with you without ending up

feeling hurt.
The best “I” statement is free of expectations. It is delivering a clean, clear
statement of how it is from your side and how you would like it to be.

5. Co-operative power
What will steer us to use power ‘with’ rather than power ‘over’ each other?

Power underlies most conflicts, dictating outcomes. For positive, constructive

and inclusive outcomes, we must take account of how power is operating.
 
Empowering and disempowering relationship patterns

In conflict we often try to openly overcome or defeat others, or to manipulate

them covertly. Here’s a story ….

The helpless innocent is attacked by the big, bad monster! But all is not lost!
The Shining Knight comes to the rescue, the Dragon is defeated, the innocent
rescued and peace restored to the Kingdom …

You will recognise these architypes in stories from all cultures. We absorb
these stories and talk to ourselves in these terms. We can identify ourselves
and others in these roles, deciding that people are “innocent, helpless
victims”, “wrong, bad bullies” and “only here to help”. When we think in these
terms, we are caught up in a perpetual cycle where no-one wins. This is called
the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer cycle. This is a psychological setting, not a
situational description; when bad things happen to you, you are a situational
victim. Here is how it works psychologically and clues to finding the way out
and reclaiming your power.

This is a simplified outline of a pattern where each player fails and feels
powerless to get what they want.  The Bully loses to the Knight, who is now
stuck with a weeping princess. The Victim will do it again and have to be
rescued again. When they fail, they change position. An exhausted or
frustrated Rescuer becomes a Victim or a new Persecutor, “I know best, just
do it my way!” A cornered Persecutor becomes a Victim, “They all hate me!” A
persistent Victim becomes a new Rescuer or even a persecutor, “You should
help me!” or “I know how you feel, let me help.

Empowerment begins with you taking responsibility, declaring yourself able to

respond. The Victim wants to learn from the situation, they want to actively
seek support to help themselves. The Persecutor allows others to contribute,
listens and negotiates, whilst the Rescuer would only help out when asked
and then within defined boundaries, without judgement or personally
identifying with the role.

There are no absolutes about power. Power is situational, personal and

negotiable. The power of people cooperating has overcome huge obstacles.

Do you “should” on yourself? Or do you have choice?

Taking back your power goes like this. See what happens to your “shoulds”,
the ones you put on yourself and the ones others put on you. Read this and
run your own experiment. Think of a recent ‘should’ you have struggled with.
Make up your own dialogue, either internal or interpersonal. Perhaps: “I know
I should go to that boring family party” or “He says to me: ‘You should do it my
way!’ “
 

OK, so now try this, using the same dialogue of two voices, only run the “I
choose” version.
If we are not caught up in Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer power plays, if we
choose to respond rather than react,  we can become creative with options
and negotiate about meeting the needs of both ourselves and the other
person.

6. Managing Emotions
Don’t indulge

Don’t deny

Create richer relationships

Handling yourself

Think of a conflict situation where your strong feelings get in the way. Ask
yourself these questions and make some goals to aim for.  Print out the
questionnaire below to complete the following: 

Five questions  

When angry/hurt/frightened …

Why am I feeling so angry / hurt/ frightened?

 
______________________________________________________________
________
 
______________________________________________________________
________

What do I want to change?

 
______________________________________________________________
________
 
______________________________________________________________
________
What do I need in order to let go of this feeling?
 
______________________________________________________________
________
 
______________________________________________________________
________

Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is theirs?
 
______________________________________________________________
________
 
______________________________________________________________
________
What is the unspoken message I infer from the situation? (e.g. they don’t like
me, they don’t respect me.)
 
______________________________________________________________
________
 
______________________________________________________________
________
Five Goals

In communicating emotions …

Aim to avoid the desire to punish or blame. Action / words?

 
______________________________________________________________
_______
 
______________________________________________________________
_______

Aim to improve the situation. Action / words?

 
______________________________________________________________
_______
 
______________________________________________________________
_______

Aim to communicate your feelings appropriately. Action / words?

 
______________________________________________________________
_______
 
______________________________________________________________
_______

Aim to improve the relationship and increase communication. Action / words?

 
______________________________________________________________
_______
 
______________________________________________________________
_______

Aim to avoid repeating the same situation. Action / words?

 
______________________________________________________________
_______
 
______________________________________________________________
_______

If communication is not appropriate, what other action can I take?

 
______________________________________________________________
_______
 
______________________________________________________________
_______

Handling others

People’s behaviour can be distressing, yet has a legitimate purpose. They are
looking for ways to belong, feel significant, and self-protect. When people feel
a threat to their self-esteem, a downward spiral begins. Some people behave
obstructively trying to gain a feeling of belonging and significance. How we
respond can determine how entrenched they become.

Without supporting destructive beliefs and alienating patterns of reaction, we

need to break out of the spiral.  We do this by acknowledging their feelings
and supporting their legitimate needs.

7. Willingness to resolve
Projection and shadow

Does the situation inform or inflame?

The Opportunity

The more someone inflames me, angers or upsets me, the more I know I
have something to learn about myself from that person or that situation. In
particular, I need to see where projection from my shadow side has interfered
with my willingness to resolve.

Projection

Projection is when we see our own memories, thoughts and feelings in the
minds and behaviour of others or the relationship and not in ourselves. We
push something about ourselves or our history out of our awareness and
instead we see it coming towards us from others. We see that X is angry with
us and we feel hurt. We don’t recognise that we are angry with X and would
like to hurt X. It’s very similar to film projection. The movie going on in our
heads is projected out around us. Each of us builds, in this way, a highly
personalised world. Greater self- awareness is necessary if we are to free
ourselves.

Shadow hugging and boxing

Extreme attachment or rejection is a sign that our shadow has us in its hold. If
we are overly attached to someone because of desirable qualities or abilities
that we see in him/her and deny in ourselves we are SHADOW HUGGING. If
we are overly rejecting of undesirable qualities or behaviour in someone or
something that we deny in ourselves we are SHADOW BOXING.

The hook      The quality or behaviour in the other person that inflames me

which is in itself a neutral event. My projection gets caught on this hook.  

The symptom  My emotional reaction (usually variations on anger or hurt).  

The projection  The part of my shadow that is causing my strong reaction. 

Acknowledge your shadow

Being willing to resolve, we need to recognise and acknowledge our projection
 to ourselves. Remember a situation that inflamed you and now consider if you
have:
 Suppressed needs:  Failing to recognise my need for companionship, I am
deeply hurt when a friend postpones time we’d planned to be together.
 Unresolved personal history:  If I was seriously let down as a child I may become
really wild when people don’t do what they promised.
 Unacceptable qualities: Because I don’t accept my own anger, I don’t accept it in
others.

 If the situation inflames you, look within. Notice what aspect of your private
history, or your own suppressed needs or perhaps qualities that you find
unacceptable personally is being triggered. Look closely at yourself and
recognise that others will always be different to you. Choose to respond in
ways that seems more appropriate to the actual situation than the movie
playing inside your head. 

8. Mapping the conflict

Consider everyone’s needs and fears

Here is an analytical tool that helps us to see the whole situation and find a
way to address the issues. Take a big sheet of paper and involve the others if
appropriate. Start with the headings and fill out the details as you work
through the issue. 
Title: Define briefly the issue, the area of the problem, or conflict in neutral
terms that all stakeholders would agree on and that doesn’t invite a “yes/no”
answer e.g. “Filing” not “Should Sal do filing?” Write that in the middle then
make a section for each party or group. It might look like a pie.
Who: Write down the name of each important person or group. 

Needs: Write down each person’s or group’s needs. What motivates him/her?

Fears: Write down each person or group’s fears, concerns, or anxieties.

Be prepared to change the statement of the issue, as your understanding of it

evolves through discussion.  You might draw up other maps of related issues
that arise. You may need more space for writing all the significant needs and
fears than the table below allows.
When you finish your map, you are likely to have some new perspectives or
insights; you will see needs, fears or issues that are common, common
ground. You will be able to identify issues that are specific to individuals or
groups. These findings can then be taken forward to the Developing Options
tools.
 9. Development of options
What is the range of options? 

Use the tools below to generate ideas and options from your map.

Clarifying tools
 Chunking – breaking the problem into smaller parts.
 Researching – more information; extent of resources: constraints.
 Goal-setting – what is the outcome we want?

Generating tools
 Obvious solution/s – to which all parties say “yes”.
 Brainstorming- no censoring, no justifying, no debating
 Consensus – build agreements together
 Lateral thinking – have we been practical, creative?

Negotiating tools
 Maintain current arrangements – with trade-offs or sweeteners.
 Currencies – what is it easy for me to give and valuable for you to receive?
 Trial and error – try one option, then another
 Establishing alternatives – what will happen if we can’t agree?
 Consequence confrontation – what I will do if we don’t agree.

Selection

Consider:
 Is it built on a win/win approach?
 Does it meet many needs of all parties?
 Is it feasible?
 Is it fair?
 Does it solve the problem?
 Can we settle on one option or do we need to trial several?

Have we considered timing or resourcing?

 Chunking – breaking the problem into smaller parts.

 Researching – more information; extent of resources: constraints.
 Goal-setting – what is the outcome we want?

Generating tools
 Obvious solution/s – to which all parties say “yes”.
 Brainstorming- no censoring, no justifying, no debating
 Consensus – build agreements together
 Lateral thinking – have we been practical, creative?

Negotiating tools
 Maintain current arrangements – with trade-offs or sweeteners.
 Currencies – what is it easy for me to give and valuable for you to receive?
 Trial and error – try one option, then another
 Establishing alternatives – what will happen if we can’t agree?
 Consequence confrontation – what I will do if we don’t agree.

Selection

Consider:
 Is it built on a win/win approach?
 Does it meet many needs of all parties?
 Is it feasible?
 Is it fair?
 Does it solve the problem?
 Can we settle on one option or do we need to trial several?
Have we considered timing or resourcing?
 10. Introduction to negotiation
Five basic principles
 Be hard on the problem and soft on the person
 Focus on needs, not positions
 Emphasise common ground
 Be inventive about options
 Make clear agreements

Where possible prepare in advance. Consider your needs are and also the
needs of the other person/party. Consider outcomes that would address more
of what you both want. Commit yourself to a win/win approach, even if tactics
used by the other person seem unfair. Be clear that your task will be to steer
the negotiation in a positive direction. 
To do so you may need to do some of the following: 
Reframe

Ask a question to reframe. e.g. “If we succeed in resolving this problem, what
differences would you notice?” 
Check understanding. E.g. “Please tell me what you heard me/them say.”
Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an “I”
statement. E.g. From your own perspective, how could this work better? 
Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue. E.g. I can see
this is a big issue for you.

Respond not react

•   Manage your emotions.
•   Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass.
•   Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling humiliated
(e.g. by identifying changed circumstances which could justify a changed
position on the issue.)

Re-focus on the issue

Maintain the relationship and try to resolve the issue. E.g. “What’s fair for both
of us?” 
Summarise how far you’ve got. E.g. “OK, so we’re talked about A, B and C,
and we still need to find out more about D, yes?”
Review common ground and agreement so far. Focus on being partners
solving the problem, not opponents. Divide the issue into parts. Address a
less difficult aspect when stuck. Invite trading. Example: “If you will, then I
will.” 
Explore best and worst alternatives to negotiating an acceptable agreement
between you. Consider: “So if we can’t agree, what could we do?”

Identify unfair tactics

Name the behaviour as a tactic. Address the motive for using the tactic.
Example: “Raising your voice won’t help. I’m not going to quit now.”  Have a
break. Change locations, seating arrangements etc. Go into smaller groups.
Meet privately. Call for the meeting to end now and resume later, perhaps “to
give an opportunity for reflection”. 
 Be respectful of other people’s needs and just as respectful of your own. Look
for solutions where more people get more of what they want. 

11. Introduction to mediation

Neutral: objective, supportive, no judgement

When you have learned and practised the skills of conflict resolution you can
be of great help to other people who are in conflict with each other. Mediation
is the practise of neutral, third party assisted negotiation. Judging and taking
sides will make you part of the problem. This is not mediating.

Attitudes for mediators

These attitudes are relevant whenever you want to advise, in a conflict which
is not your own. It may be a friend telling you about a problem on the
telephone. It may an informal chat with conflicting people, together or
separately. It may be a formally organised mediation session.

 Be objective – validate both sides, even if privately you prefer one point of view,
or even when only one party is present.
 Be supportive – use caring language. Provide a non-threatening learning
environment, where people will feel safe to open up.
 No judging – actively discourage judgements as to who was right and who was
wrong. Don’t ask “Why did you …?” Ask “What happened?” and “How did you feel?”
 Steer process, not content – use astute questions, encouraging suggestions
from participants. Resist advising. If your suggestions are really needed, offer as
options not directives.
 Win/win – work towards wins for both sides. Turn opponents into problem-
solving partners.

Mediation Methods
 Use the simple, yet effective rules from the “Fighting Fair” poster.
 Define your mediator role as being there to support both people “to win”.
 Get agreement from both people about a basic willingness to fix the problem.
 Let each person say what the problem is for them. Check back that the other
person has actually listened and understood them.
 Guide the conversation towards a joint problem solving approach and away from
personal attack. You could use mapping.
 Encourage them to look for answers where everybody gets what they need.
 Redirect “Fouls” (Name Calling, Put Downs, Sneering, Blaming, Threats,
Bringing up the Past, Making Excuses, Not Listening, Getting Even). Where possible
reframe the negative statement into a neutral description of a legitimate present time
concern.

Steps in Mediation

Open 

Make introductions and agreements, explanation of roles and expectations,

time frame, agenda if known. 

Establish 
1. Overview: What is the matter? Each person expresses their view of the conflict,
the issues and their feelings.
2. Details: What is involved? Draw out more details. Map needs and concerns.
Clarify misperceptions. Identify other relevant issues. If parties are not listening to each
other, get them to summarise each other’s statements.

 
Move
1.  Review: Where are they now? Identify areas of agreement. Encourage
willingness to move forward. Talk to parties separately if needed.
2. Negotiate: Focus on future action. How would they like it to be in the future?
What would that take to make that happen? Develop options. Trading – build wins for
everyone.
3. Close/Completion: Write a contract. Make plans for the future, including an
appointed time to review the agreement. Invite closing statements.
While you will often find you can use these mediation skills, sometimes you
will be involved in situations which are extremely inflamed or where there is a
lot at stake. This may be the moment to call on a professional mediator who
stands completely outside of the problem, and can bring their expertise to
bear to help everyone concerned have a fair hearing and steer a reasonable
outcome for all concerned.

12. Broadening perspectives

Take in the bigger picture

Imagine that you are a traveller about to climb a mountain.

When you look around all you can see is the few trees that are directly in front
of you, but as you climb you see that the trees are part of a huge forest. A little
higher and you can see farmland beyond the forest and still higher a township
and a river. When you finally get to the top you have the full 360 degrees
panorama.
In this final skill we want to see the problem from a range of viewing points,
other points of view and wider perspectives. Encourage yourself to adopt a
wide range of thinking strategies: for example, personal/interpersonal impact,
legal or financial implications, differing points of view, the historical past, the
projected future, a broader group of stakeholders, critical analysis of facts,
research into various aspects of relevant technology. Try for a more global
perspective. Consider the team or group of which you are a part. Put some
focus on the ‘us’ rather than ‘me vs you’.
Become observer as well as participant

When you take this overview of the problem you are less caught up in it, more
observant. This wider view includes increased self-awareness. Additionally
the observer position gives you some respite from the tension of always being
the participant.

Respect and value differences

Just as we are unique and special, so are other people. We each have
distinctive viewpoints that can be seen as equally valid. 
Each person’s viewpoint makes a contribution to the whole and requires
consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution. This wider
view can open our eyes to many more possibilities. It requires us to change
the idea that: “For me to be right, others must be wrong.”

Consider the context 

If we believe that the actions of one individual are interconnected with every
other individual, then we can have a sense how our actions can have meaning
in conjunction with the actions of others. We can see the overall system,
which may be the family, the organisation or the society. What does this larger
unit need in order to function effectively?

Recognise a long-term timeframe

Consider how the problem or the relationship will look over a substantial
period of time. The longer timeframe can make the size of the problem we
presently face more realistic.

What you can and cannot change

By taking a broader perspective you may be confronted with the enormity of

the difficulties. Identify what you can do to affect a particular problem, even if it
is only a small step in the right direction. One step forward changes the
dynamics and new possibilities can open up. If not, maybe it is time to move
on. Or maybe this is not really your problem and you have to hold back while
another person does or does not act. The Serenity prayer of Alcoholics
Anonymous is, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference”.
                                                              
*****