Remembering

the Way
An Enquiry into a Journey of

Loss, Healing and Emergence

Jenni Harris
2011
 Remembering the Way

An Enquiry into a Journey of Loss, Healing and Emergence

Jennifer Rae Harris

MA Experiential and Creative Arts Therapy (MIECAT)

Dip. Transpersonal Art Therapy (Ikon)

Submitted in total fulfilment of the requirements of the degree of

Professional Doctorate in Creative Arts Therapy

November 2011
MIECAT, Melbourne, Australia
 To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,
You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.
In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession.
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not.
T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets (1952, p. 127)

ii
 Abstract

The opportunity to undertake a professional doctorate in process-oriented research coincided with

my need for a period of deep reflection into my life and my experiences of death and loss. The
resulting heuristic, arts-based research enquiry, based on a journal that I kept during this time, will
provide the basis for my ongoing creative arts therapy practice. I offer this thesis as a resource to
people practising in the areas of therapy, trauma, life review and qualitative research.
I discovered that my enquiry, which took the form of a labyrinthine inner pilgrimage, had five
intertwined aspects: therapeutic, archetypal, spiritual, professional, as well as its essential research
function. It falls within the traditional archetypal framework of a heroine’s journey or a process of
initiation: premonition, accepting the call, setting out, the descent into darkness, the return, and
integration of a deeper knowing.
My methodology has been emergent, arts-based and autoethnographic - an approach that is consistent
with intuitive, organic enquiry methods. I have addressed the challenge of communicating a personal
story and transpersonal ideas by using various forms: journal entries, visual art, poetry, dream work,
evocation of memories, and review of lived experiences. In this way the thesis offers readers the
opportunity to achieve both a felt-sense and an intellectual understanding of my exploration.
In this enquiry I initially drew on a wide selection of sources from poetry and spiritual texts to
popular psychology. In the later chapters, which deal with my return to the world, I engage with
academic literature to consider methodologies, and the conceptual and practical implications of this
research.
My quest took me to many places: myth, mysticism, spirituality, uncertainty, vulnerability, courage,
homage to the past, and the finding of meaning after complex loss and grief. Each played a role in the
process of discovering a truer sense of self, gratitude, joy and blessing.
As a longitudinal case study in itself, it sheds light on the process of transformation after trauma.
Findings from my research include the potential for arts-based work to assist in the process of making
meaning and new integration. I conclude with a discussion of factors involved in posttraumatic
growth and the demands, dangers and potential of research and therapeutic journeys such as this.

iii
 For Alan

He was my North, my South, my East and West

My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong
W. H. Auden (1991, p.141)

… for showing me that love does last forever.

And for our children

Rhan, Gretta and Lincoln

And to Lainie, Francis and Madelene

And Luca, Aliya, Marlo, Harry, Keala, Boomer and the babes to come.

v
 h Task
Psyche’s Fift

worthy.
sk s, wh ich sh e un de rtook to prove herself
ta
Psyche was given four n, an d with some help, she
succeeded.
de te rm in at io
By ingenuity and r helpers.
th , an d un sp ok en task, was to thank he tely.
Her fif ab le to perform adequa
e th at I wi ll ne ve r be
This fifth task is on itten:
ou t wh om th is co ul d have never been wr
e for with
There are always thos
Byr ne and Rachael Feather
Jean Rumbold, David
de and love.
ea ch of yo u, I tu rn and bow, in gratitu
To d.
e gift of a life renewe
You have given me th
you.
I honour and thank

vi
 I have thought deeply about how to acknowledge the many worker ants, reeds and eagles that loyally
came to my aid, just as they did for Psyche.
Along the way, there have been many who have supported and loved me. You have forgiven my
reclusiveness, given counsel and offered hands-on help. You offered yourself and your skills
unstintingly, and inspired me by the values by which you live.
Please accept my heartfelt gratitude for your contribution to this work.

Emily Mawson
Jan Allen Barb Adams Niki Turner
Amanda Woo
dford Jenny Orford Clare McKay
Lindy Schneider
Kim Isaacs
Ailish Gill Warren Lett Be Pannell

ivienne Howson
V
ngford
Ross La Scott D

Bernadette W Lana S
Owen G
Cherie R Bridget B Kathy M
Jane G
Jo H Jo Du B B
Lynne K
Paulina S Dominic
Jill F Lynn M
N
Kerry K Hugh D Tomoko
Sal R
Bea H Gela D
Cath H Yvonne H Vijoleta Roger F
Sue P
Cornelia E Bruce C
My cousins Marea R Charles J Amanda H
Students
Alan C Lucy B Gerry J
Arwen D Ann Bi Lydia T
Supervisees
Sarah A Roman I
Danuta Stella G
Supervisors ary M
Rosem
vii
 How can I acknowledge all the wisdom that has been given to me?
Significant and essential understandings have trickled into the caverns of my being. These gleanings - too numerous
to mention - nourished seeds that lay dormant inside me until the conditions were right for them to spring into life.
To all who helped fertilise those seeds, (sometimes without knowing) I thank you.
May the generosity you showed me return to you, manyfold.
And thanks to the tea growers around the world who supported my habit.

viii
 Declaration

This is to certify that:

• except where reference is made in the text, this work contains no material published elsewhere or
extracted in whole or in part from a work submitted for the award of any other degree or diploma.
• no other person’s work has been used without due acknowledgement in the text.
• this work has not been submitted for the award of any other degree or diploma in any other
tertiary institution.
• ethics consent was granted by the MIECAT Ethics Committee on March 30, 2007. See Appendix.
• written permission to use poetry, personal communication, photos, or to appear in photos, has been
obtained wherever possible.
• this work is 80,000 words in length, exclusive of artworks, forepapers and endpapers.

Name: Jennifer Rae Harris

Signed:

Date: November 2011

ix
Contents

Abstract iii

Acknowledgements v

Declaration ix

Contents x

Artworks xii

Chapter 1 – The Way 1

A Pilgrimage 9
About Why 12
About Me 17
About my Journey 20
About the Thesis 22
About You 28

Chapter 2 – Starting Out 29

Early Whisperings 35
The Longing 39
The Call 40
Setting Out 43

x
Chapter 3 – The Descent 49 Chapter 6 – Others’ Ways 151
The Heart Dream 56 Reviewing Past Trauma 159
Guardian of the Threshold 60 Grief and Bereavemen 162
Dark nights – Loss of the Known Self 65 Mindfulness 167
Presenting the Journey 67 Arts Therapy as a Way through Trauma 168
The Edge Dream 76 Autoethnography 172
Lamps in the Darkness 77 Myths 173
Life Review 174
The Centre 81
Self-transformative Experience 176

Chapter 4 – Ways
Chapter 7 – The Way Home 179
– Remembering the Processes 91
Emergence 186
Introduction 97
The Altar Dream 187
Decisions made 101
Looking Back over my Journey 199
Writes of Passage 103
Looking Forward 206
Following the Thread 112
Concluding Thoughts 219
The Wooden Box 116
Challenges and Constraints 123 References 221
Chapter 5 – The Bricoleur’s Nest 129 Appendix 239
Mapping my Methodology 135 Ethics Approval 239
Autoethnography 137
The MIECAT Way – Multi-modal Inquiry 139 Responses 241
A Narrative Inquiry 141
Organic Inquiry 143

xi
 Artworks

Signature photograph on covers and chapter pages. Looking towards Compostela, from the church at O Cebreiro, Galicia, Spain, digital photograph,
Jenni Harris, 2009.

Booklet, Images of a Life Reviewed, mixed media, Jenni Harris, 2010.

Booklet, Images of the Research Enquiry, mixed media, Jenni Harris, 2010.

A Mysterious Path, acrylic representation, Jenni Harris, 2005 3

The Pilgrim, collage, Jenni Harris, 2009. 8
Labyrinths, collage, Jenni Harris, September 2010. 11
What ails thee?, collage, Jenni Harris, 2007. 15
The Art Therapy Studio, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 2011. 18
Books as Sources, digital photograph, Jenni Harris 2010. 26
Stepping forth – Compostela Pilgrimage, digital photograph, David Byrne, 2009. 31
The Buried Seed, chalk pastel representation, Jenni Harris, 2008. 37
The Meandering Path, acrylic representation, Jenni Harris, 2007. 43
Through the Door, Italy, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 1999, overlaid by poem, The Journey. 47
There is a Light that Shines, mixed media representation, Jenni Harris, 2010. 51
Heart Dream, foldout collage with pencil representation, Jenni Harris, 2011. 57
The Wise One and the Critic, sandplay representation, Jenni Harris, 2009. 66
Entering the Unknown – Initiation and Descent, foldout collage, Jenni Harris, 2011 with sculpture, Jenni Harris, 2005. 70
Lamps in the Darkness, foldout collage, Jenni Harris, 2011. 78
The Labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral, France, digital photograph, unknown photographer, 2009. 83
The Centre, Labyrinth, in moulded paper, Barb Adams, 2011 and poem on tracing paper, Jenni Harris, 2011. 89

xii
At the Studio, digital photograph, unknown photographer, 2009. 93
Boxes of Memorabilia, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, Easter 2008. 105
Mind Maps, Jenni Harris, 2008. 111
Research Altar, digital photograph, Jean Rumbold, 7 September 2010. 117
Preparing the Kitchen Table Altar, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 15 September 2010. 117
New Life Emerges, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, September 2010. 119
Wooden Box, with knitting and tea cup, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 7 September 2010. 120
Voices of the Critic and Wise One, poem, Jenni Harris, 2008 over mixed media representation, Jenni Harris, 2011. 124
A Bricoleur’s Construction, found objects, Jenni Harris, 2006. 131
I Spoke to the Moon, poem, Jenni Harris, 2008 over Full moon over India, watercolour, wet on wet, Jenni Harris, 2007. 146
In the Himalayan Mountains above Dharamsala, North India, photograph, Lincoln Harris, 2003. 153
Jenni Harris, Improvisation Session, Bali, Indonesia, digital photograph, unknown photographer, September 2008. 161
A New Day, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, June 2009. 170
Compostela – the Arrival, digital photograph, David Byrne, 2009. 181
Altar Dream, foldout watercolour, wet on wet, Jenni Harris, 2006. 188
Birthing, collage, Jenni Harris, 2007. 191
Gifts, foldout collage, Jenni Harris, 2011 over Bursting with Life, watercolour, Jenni Harris, 2010. 195
Talismans, Jenni Harris, 2010 over Jenni, the Pilgrim, digital photograph, David Byrne, 2009. 211
A Blessing for the Journey, foldout poem, Jenni Harris, 2010. 212
Mandala, pencil representation, Jenni Harris, 2007. 215
Remembering the Way, digital photograph, unknown photographer, 2010. 220

Graphics by Emily Mawson who with sensitivity, skill and patience midwifed ideas into artistic form.

xiii
 The Way itself is like some thing

Seen in a dream, elusive, evading one.
In it are images, elusive, evading one.
In it are things like shadows in twilight.
In it are essences, subtle but real, 

Embedded in truth.
Lao Tsu, The Way of Life (Tao Té Ching) (2001, p. 73)

xiv
 Chapter 1

The Way
Furthermore, we have not even
to risk the adventure alone; for
the heroes of all time have gone
before us, the labyrinth is fully
known; we have only to follow the
thread of the hero-path. And where we
had thought to find an abomination,
we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay
another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought
to travel outward, we shall come to the center
of our own existence; where we had thought to be alone,
we shall be with all the world.

Joseph Campbell
(1991, p. 123)

A Mysterious Path

3
 Heroine’s
Journey
I wrote because
I hurt. I was Pilgrimage
hurting

Initiation,
if
lot. S o m u ch so, I didn’t know
a
I could go on. to try
elf, to myself,

Trials
I wrote for mys pain
to exorcise my
to make sense, ayer,
. I wrote as a pr

Longing
d co nfu sion
an I wrote
plea, a demand.
a confession, a n, I wrote
bends to liste
to the one who cause
one. I wrote be
to anyone, to no . I wrote
did no t kn ow what else to do
I re else
ldn’t find anywhe
because I cou
guish.
to dispel my an ay be
for you. You m

Why?
And now I write friends,
of m y ch ild ren, one of my
one ader,
ag u e, a st u dent, a passing re
a colle
or an examiner.

Uncovering
a fellow pilgrim 09
Sunday March 20

My Heart
The Call

5
 Chapter 1

The Way

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
F or you who are opening this thesis, it is a beginning. For
me, it is an end stage of a long and eventful process. I liken
it to a journey from which I have just returned – a journey into
And know the place for the first time.
loss, healing and emergence that I have recorded and reflected on
T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets (1952, p. 145)
in this arts-based heuristic enquiry, which I have undertaken as
part of a professional doctorate. I see the personal journey as a
pilgrimage or a heroine’s journey. I hesitated a long time before
using these frameworks, as they can be seen as uncomfortably
clichéd metaphors, but, eventually, the archetypal force won out. It
chose me, because this is a universal formula, described by Joseph
Campbell as a monomyth (2008).

Like any returned traveller, I bring back with me my travel diary,

my journal, in which I have recorded my experiences since I set out
in early 2005. In this thesis you will find poems, pictures, maps and
the like – things I have collected along the way. Inevitably, too, I
have photographs that I would like to show you. Above all, in this
thesis, I seek to share with you my journey, the experiences I have
had and what I have learned from it all. I do so in the hope that
you may be touched and informed, even inspired, by what I offer.
I hope also that my experiences may contribute something useful
to others – to clients, to colleagues I work with as a creative arts
therapist, and to others who have experienced trauma or loss and
who might undertake such a research journey.

When I set out, I wanted to make sense of events in my past and

to find a way forward. Later, I was to see my journey in broader
terms – as an initiation with archetypal and universal themes. In
the course of this I was to discover myself in a nightmarish ordeal.

7
Remembering the Way

I persevered with the journey, nevertheless, in part, as an act of

homage – to honour Alan, my late husband, and to acknowledge
the courage of our children who have given me so much. What I
was to find pointed to a wider world of applications, to arts-based
life review, and to work with grief and trauma.

The pilgrim, collage, Jenni Harris, 2009.

8
 Chapter 1 The Way

A Pilgrimage (1998, p. 8) quotes Richard Niebuhr, Professor of Divinity at

Yale: “Pilgrims are persons in motion … seeking something we
might call completion, or perhaps the word clarity will do as well,
Pilgrimage in Jungian terms, is an expression of and an a goal to which only the spirit’s compass points the way” (1984,
effort to circumambulate the Self, to “quicken the Divinity” p. 7). He goes on to describe, as a characteristic of the pilgrim, the
by bringing the Self within us to life. Whether we call that fact that she seeks –
part of us that seeks pilgrimage the soul or that part that to be rejuvenated spiritually, or to feel the relief of catharsis.
seeks individuation the psyche, the meaning is the same and The journeys all begin in a restive state, in deep disturbance.
the goal is healing, wholeness, and transformation. Something vital was missing in life. Vitality itself might be
Jean Shinoda Bolen (1994, p. 248) lurking on the road or at the heart of a distant sanctuary.
(Cousineau, 1998, pp. 14-15)
My footsteps in the world had become heavy; it was hard to go
on, carrying undigested memories from the past. I felt a sense of Another characteristic of the pilgrim is that “in undertaking the
exhaustion and disconnection; life had become lifeless. It was time journey [she] is fulfilling a destiny, a law of the transcendental
to stop running from the struggles, from the too-muchness of my life” (Underhill, 1990, p. 132). The pilgrim, like the Knights of
life and time to feel the impulse of my own destiny. I needed time the Grail, is obeying an imperative need, responding to a cry in
to grieve, to reflect and to find renewed meaning. I needed time the heart (Cousineau, 1998, p. xxiii). “The spiritual pilgrim goes
to gather my life into my own arms. In short, I needed to find a because he is called; because he wants to go, must go, if he is to find
sense of self that I could call my own. Despite the ache, or perhaps rest and peace” (Underhill, 1990, p. 133). The pilgrim responds to
because of it, the call for me, then, was to find healing for my a deep inner longing for this rest and peace, which is in each of us.
troubled heart. Even at an early stage, I saw this research process as a pilgrimage.
The archetype of the heroine’s journey is that of the traveller I am viewing the enquiry as a type of pilgrimage – a journey or adventure
who, in response to a call, leaves the daily comforts of home and to some unnamed place within. I balk at the clichéd words – “inner core”,
ventures forth into unknown lands of mystery and adventure. She “sacred connection”, “healing”… and yet I find that I am left with little
encounters fantastic adventures, challenges, initiations, obstacles alternative but these clumsy words to somehow name experiences as much
and ordeals, helpers and aids. She finally returns home, changed as “places”. I want to walk my way into thoughts and reflections on life
into a being who has incorporated into herself treasures that she and to my commitment to the process of awakening, my commitment to
brings back to her world. “A modern myth of the hero’s journey is others and to the earth I walk upon.
a metaphor for the inner experiences during a transformative crisis, The journey metaphor has been used in many cultures; in Taoism it is
describing its experiential territories. As a transformative crisis is the Way, in Buddhism it is the path of Right Action and Understanding.
universally relevant, so is the myth” (C. Grof & S. Grof, 1990, The Way represents the way all things are and that all events are actually
in harmony. It is my task to read and understand this path or perhaps
p. 127). Where the traveller ventures forth for a spiritual purpose,
to remember it. The Tao seems to have existed forever and now I have
she is a pilgrim.
little option but follow it and go on this quest. And I sense when I get
As I write these words, the appropriateness of the pilgrimage image “there” I may find nothing much and that I am back at the beginning.
for my enquiry is irresistible. Let me tell you why. Let me set this And so I return to the notion that it is about the process, the discoveries,
in the broader context of my journey, before I describe when and and the journey.
how I came to set out on it. In his Art of Pilgrimage, Phil Cousineau Journal, 26 April 2006

9
Remembering the Way

The way of the pilgrim is a hazardous one. Medieval pilgrims me have been in India with my guide and friend, my son Lincoln.
setting out on the journey had no assurance of returning alive. They Returning to Dharamsala and the Himalayas in northern India
faced unknown dangers from bandits, poisoned water and even the with him, I felt truly at home. I have journeyed, too, to Chartres
monsters that were described in graphic terms by those with the cathedral in France, home of the renowned classic labyrinth.
good fortune to have returned safely. As I discovered, the modern And I have walked the pilgrims’ route to Compostela in Spain, a
spiritual pilgrim faces dangers no less fearsome. These dangers pilgrimage walked by many over many centuries.
resemble the trials of an initiation. And this is no coincidence.
I travelled to those places, for the most part, not because I had
The medieval pilgrim who made the journey was expected, like an
consciously made a decision to visit them as holy sites, but because
initiate, to have returned transformed by the rigour and inspiration
I was receptive to my felt response to an intuitive voice that
of the experience.
guided me there. Each site was intriguing and significant in itself.
For millennia, this cry in the heart for embarking upon
a meaningful journey has been answered by pilgrimage, I found myself bowing respectfully before great teachers, monks
a transformative journey to a sacred centre. It calls for a and nuns from various religious traditions, before other powerful
journey to a holy site associated with gods, saints, or heroes, men and women from around the world, and also before the most
or to a natural setting imbued with spiritual power, or to marginalised – young Cambodian women who had been sold as
a revered temple to seek counsel. To people the world over, young as five-year-old children to serve as sex slaves. My heart
pilgrimage is a spiritual exercise, an act of devotion to find
was humbled and opened by all of them, and especially by those
a source of healing, or even to perform a penance. Always, it
is a journey of risk and renewal. (Cousineau, 1998, p. xxiii) beautiful but brutalised women.

On this journey, I found, as pilgrims have always found, that going As the months and years passed, the image of me as a pilgrim, in the
to sacred places affects the psyche of the pilgrim (Bolen, 1994, traditional sense, seemed to be overtaken by that of a pilgrim on a
p. 222), and that, ultimately, a pilgrimage begins and ends in one’s heroine’s journey. I see a pilgrimage as a journey directed towards
own heart (Scobie, 2006, p. 226). “Walking, like breathing, can some objective, whether it is a place of religious significance, such
be a form of meditation; it can be a mantra, it can be a miracle for as Mecca or Compostela or Jerusalem, or some metaphorical
connecting with the finite vicissitudes of life on Earth and opening destination. In either case there is a place where the pilgrim is
to invisible infinity” (J. Watson, 2006, p. 289). The image of the intending to go, and where she hopes to arrive in due course. My
jolly socialising band, immortalised by Chaucer in his Canterbury journey had no such single destination. Nonetheless, the idea
Tales, is not at all in accordance with my experience; for me, the of the inner pilgrimage, which Jung spoke about frequently, still
way of the pilgrim is one of “silence and simplicity: solitude and remained as an archetypal framework (Clift & Clift, 1996). As I
slowing down” (J. Watson, 2006, p. 289). pursued my enquiry, I saw myself as a person seeking an unknown
something which I seemed to have lost or covered up – looking
From childhood I had been filled with images of pilgrimages to here and there, turning over any number of stones or things that
Tibet, my mother’s own longing, and now in the course of this might be concealing it. But, as I was to discover, “In our seeking,
quest, I have found myself in sacred places. I have been to the holy we find that which was never lost” (J. Phillips, 1997, p. xii).
sites of Glastonbury in England, Koyasan in Japan, Assisi in Italy,
Angkor Wat in Cambodia, the mountain regions of Vietnam and Another recurring image was that of the labyrinth, in which the
Uluru in central Australia. Some of the most important times for traveller goes round and round in circles, seemingly never able to

10
 Chapter 1 The Way

approach her goal, and which requires her to turn and re-turn
without appearing to have found anything. It is a place where she
might easily become lost, but for the almost imperceptible thread
that acts as her guide. But, all the while her purpose is there, waiting
to be found. My aim was to uncover what had been concealed
by layers of experiences, beliefs, defences, harsh self-flagellation
and pain. As Buddhist nun, teacher and mentor, Pema Chödrön,
said: “It’s about befriending who we are already” (Chödrön, 1991,
p. 4). This meant that my journey was first an inward one – one in
which I peeled backed the layers concealing the true me; and it then
became a way, a pilgrim’s path through a labyrinth.

Labyrinths, collage, Jenni Harris, September 2010.

11
Remembering the Way

About Why would teach me all I need to know (personal communication,

27 April 1996).

Earlier in 2005, in a masters thesis, I had revisited my diarised

An analogy for Bodhichitta is the rawness of a broken
experiences of the six-month life of my grandson, Luca, in 2004
heart. Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety
and panic; sometimes to anger, resentment and blame. But (J. Harris, 2005). This process, undertaken by me soon after these
under the hardness of that armour there is the tenderness painful and yet inspiring events, was helpful in assisting me to come
of genuine sadness. This is our link with all those who to terms with what had transpired. I was led to look upon these
have ever loved. This genuine heart of sadness can teach events with new understanding and thus better able to gauge their
us great compassion. It can humble us when we’re arrogant physical, mental, emotional and spiritual impact on me. Pursuing
and soften us when we are unkind. It awakens us when we
them through a research enquiry also meant that the focus was on
prefer to sleep and pierces through our indifference. This
continual aid of the heart is a blessing that when extended ways in which my own experiences and learning could contribute
fully can be shared with all. to our understanding of these human experiences of loss and
hope. As I completed my masters thesis, more questions opened
Pema Chödrön (2001, p. 32)
up. MIECAT then announced the doctoral program. A small inner
In 1994 my husband took his own life. He took half my soul with voice said, “You know that you are going to do that too!”
him on that midwinter evening when even the dazzling night stars
This seemed to be an opportune vehicle to deepen my professional
turned raw with grief. In those moments, life irrevocably changed
work as a creative arts therapist and explore the wider issues raised
for me, and our three children. Two years earlier, I had had a dream,
by the earlier events in my life. In this way, I saw that it was now
which warned me that I would confront something which would
time to create an inner perspective of the outer events, to reflect
tear me apart, but which might ultimately be of great benefit. In
on these experiences of my own life and to use them for a greater
the dream I saw myself being gruesomely dismembered in a bath,
objective. It was time to commit myself to the undertaking of a
which is for me a place of purification and refreshment. I did not
doctoral research enquiry – wherever it might take me and whatever
know then that death was fluttering in the background.
it might reveal to me. It was time to be an innkeeper – to welcome
At the time of Alan’s death it was almost impossible for me to find my own inner and outer visitors, the good and the bad, as guests as
time to attend to the spiritual or symbolic aspects of the experience they arrived each new day.
because the physical and emotional need to survive was immediate
and overwhelming. In retrospect, I see that my husband’s suicide
caused my heart to break open, exposing unwanted and even
shameful layers that I had identified with as being my self. With
time, these layers had become covered with a protective shield but,
instinctively, I always knew that some time in the future I would
work with the reverberations and aftermath of his death and with
other unresolved experiences in my life in order to re-member my
way back into a new life. Pema Chödrön would later tell me that
this experience was the most important in my spiritual life and

12
 Chapter 1 The Way

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Jelaluddin Rumi (1995, p. 109)

13
Remembering the Way

A challenging undertaking. The labyrinth and the thread.

Throughout the next six years I often questioned the wisdom of The labyrinth has long had a special significance for me, even
that decision. The enquiry showed itself to be a pilgrimage into an before I eventually walked its spiritual path at Chartres cathedral
unknown land. The journey proved to be an arduous one indeed – in 2009. Based on the circle, the universal symbol for unity and
more arduous than I had expected. Over that period I confided in wholeness, the labyrinth traces a meandering way from the edge
a journal my innermost and darkest thoughts, dreams and feelings, to the centre and then out again to the point where we started – it
which provided the data for my research. is a metaphor for our journey through life (Artress, 1995). The
medieval Christians could not expect to negotiate such a journey
I want to say to myself that I can look back at this story. Then be able
alone; the assistance of the Holy Spirit was required. In the image
to be in This Moment. That’s what I want to do, to clear the past and its
of the labyrinth this was seen as Ariadne’s thread which guided the
impediments – to be in this moment.
But I have written about the repercussions on my life and my health and seeker through the labyrinth of life. Lauren Artress speaks of the
of the experience of grief and, dare I say, trauma. The consequences – invisible thread that connects us to the source as we walk the sacred
the price I paid to carry the hope. Exhaustion. One foot barely in front way. I imagine this as a thread made of silvery intuition. We cannot
of the other. And a brave face that hid the anger, shock, exhaustion and see this thread, and yet some deep part of us knows it is there.
confusion. And this road has been a journey to hell 1000 times over. To walk a sacred path is to know and trust that there is
guidance to help us live our lives on this planet. Guidance can
Journal, 12 June 2008
come in many, many ways. It comes through synchronistic
Culturally, the qualitative research methodology that I had chosen meetings, through being fully present in one moment of
time, through informal ritual where one spoken word
seemed to be an alien concept in some of the social circles where
can break open a riddle that has stumped us for months.
I moved, where there are strong opinions as to what constitutes (Artress, 1995, pp. 12-13)
real research. These attitudes confronted my somewhat frail belief
in myself and in the project I was undertaking. I began living I came to experience the aptness of these images. To walk the
in two separate worlds: an inner world, which required of me a labyrinth is to set out from an entrance at the edge aiming to arrive
tenacious exploration and understanding of shadowy corners of at the centre, but knowing all the while that this represents only
my inner being; and an outer world, which required me to be a the midpoint of the journey. The way is a convoluted one, winding
competent rational woman. This did not feel comfortable. The back and forth, frequently requiring the frustrated traveller to
tension symbolically represented the inner turmoil of unresolved return in the direction from which she has come, so that there is
intrapsychic dynamics and warring factions within myself. a sensation of making no progress toward the centre. Eventually,
however, she arrives and pauses there for a moment. The way of
the return is very similar to what has gone before. In fact she is
retracing her steps along the same way, but in reverse, until, at
last, she emerges at the entrance, the point where she started. The
circular nature of the way is shown, not only by its configuration,
but also by this requirement that the traveller starts and ends at the
same place.

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 Chapter 1 The Way

Like a pilgrim of old, I put aside comfort to pursue the path that by external circumstances. I was looking for that place of stillness
seemed to take me in circles and to permit me no progress. I felt where truth resides; the ungraspable and unnameable sense of the
I had to continue on, putting my faith in this subtle thread and in divine. I was trying to find home.
my intuition, having confidence that I would eventually arrive.

What ails thee?

I am curious myself about why I chose to embark upon this journey
as a research enquiry. I must admit that, initially, I did not intend
anything other than to feel better by unravelling my own story for
myself. The pressure for me to undertake it was compelling. I felt
as if I had a psychic illness, as though prolonged immersion in
crisis had alienated me from my soul and I was possessed by fear,
anxieties and ruminations. The question that I asked myself was
that which Parsifal asked the wounded Fisher King when they met
for a second time in the tale of the quest for the Holy Grail: What
ails thee?
What ails thee?, collage, Jenni Harris, 2007.
For some time I had wanted to explore the clusters of complexities
that surrounded my earlier life, knowing that without reflection,
they might indeed become more burdensome and even toxic. Seeking home.
My health was suffering as a result of the repercussions of these
experiences and I wanted to unravel the knots that were in my mind This theme of finding a home arose many times and in many guises
and my heart and body. throughout the research process. It was true that I had a yearning
to satisfy a deep longing for something immutable and eternal, but
I wrote because I hurt. I was hurting a lot. So much so, I didn’t know
my experience in the physical world also reflected the very real need
if I could go on. I wrote for myself, to myself, to try to make sense, to
exorcise my pain and confusion. I wrote as a prayer, a confession, a plea, for shelter and survival. Circumstances dictated that I had to move
a demand. I wrote to the one who bends to listen, I wrote to anyone, to home more than a dozen times in less than 14 years. Relentlessly, I
no one. I wrote because I did not know what else to do. I wrote because I was trying to find a physical home – a place where I could reside in
couldn’t find anywhere else to dispel my anguish. peace and safety, a place where I could feel connected to my inner
world and where I would be truly comfortable; a place of sanctuary
Journal, Sunday 22 March 2009
that would represent my spiritual home (Zweig, 2003, p. 28).
I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living, endeavouring to
integrate the experience of death and loss into a continuing life.
I was also trying to find an unwavering reference point, a sense of
truth as a reference point; a truth that would remain unaffected

15
Remembering the Way

A contribution to understanding. to use the transformative seed of hope which I held within myself,
for myself and for others to encourage a truly human flourishing
As I write this, my motivations for the personal journey seem clear; (Heron & Reason, 1997, p. 288). For this, I first needed to begin
the reasons for casting it as a research program are less so. My the task of removing my own shackles and rebuilding my energy. I
decision made in 2005 was an instinctive one, but the reasons for believe that a therapist can most effectively assist the suffering and
it and the implications of what I was doing really emerged only in grief of clients when she has undertaken her own inner work and
the second part of the journey. They were surprisingly complex. I has herself trodden a similar path to theirs.
wanted to find a universal wisdom deep within myself – a wisdom
that lay covered by layers of attachment and illusion. I wanted to As a creative arts therapist, I hoped to use this understanding of
awaken an innate knowing, to peel back these painful and shameful myself in my professional practice. I was not satisfied by simply
layers covering my heart, which had long concealed who I really reading about such matters or even by attending workshops and
am. I also wanted to share with others what I found for myself; to lectures about them. I had to feel this understanding in my body.
contribute to an understanding of the lived experience of grief and Only then would I fully appreciate and be best able to use the
trauma, meaning-making, healing, and psychological and spiritual theories, concepts and research of experts in the field of my
development. Could I soften my own heart whilst strengthening practice. Like an echo, Jack Kornfield’s words once again resounded
understanding as well? I believe that there is an innate wisdom that within me:
lies within each one of us. The challenge for me was to reveal that Sometimes we must heal our own wounds first, to come
wisdom, to trust it and to live by it. Etched deep in my psyche to some inner well-being, but eventually we experience a
natural movement to serve, a longing to give back to the
were these words of Jack Kornfield that, I suspect, motivated my world. This spirit of service needn’t be based on ideals,
enquiry: on trying to fix all that is wrong in the world. (Kornfield,
As our development of self grows and our heart becomes 1993, p. 289)
less entangled, we begin to discover a deeper truth about the
self: We do not have to improve ourselves; we just have to I knew, as David Rosen said in a lecture that I attended (Rosen,
let go of what blocks our heart. When our heart is free of 2005, November), that you can take your patients only as far as
the contractions of fear, anger, grasping, and confusion, the you have travelled yourself. The process I was about to undertake
spiritual qualities we have tried to cultivate manifest in us would, I trusted, inform my professional practice as a therapist.
naturally. (Kornfield, 1993, p. 209)
I would plumb the depths of my own suffering, hoping to gain
wisdom and healing, and to return strengthened, holding the
medicine. In this way I might be of assistance to others. Beyond
The wounded healer.
my own practice, I hoped that by examining my own experience
As a person who has known suffering and as a therapist working I would contribute an example, a single case study perhaps, that
with the suffering of others, I wanted to understand and learn might extend the understanding of therapists and community
more about this in order to grasp more fully what potential lies workers about the impact of trauma and the ways in which arts-
dormant in it and how one can move from adversity, to surviving, based enquiry can assist us in coming to terms with it.
to thriving, and from this to flourishing. I wanted to know and feel
the messiness of these experiences from the inside, not just as a
safe intellectual exercise. More than anything, I wanted to be able

16
 Chapter 1 The Way

About Me other the hope of understanding, transformation and inspiration.

Not least of all, I have included them in the hope that we might
be connected through our heartfelt sharing of experiences and
The story of a life begins somewhere, at some particular through that common sense of humanity and compassion that we
point we happen to remember; and even then it was already often feel in moments of suffering or struggle.
highly complex. We do not know how life is going to turn
out. Therefore the story has no beginning, and the end can The notes and poetry were written at the time of, or a little after,
only be vaguely hinted at. the important experiences they describe. They were written, not so
Carl Jung (1989b, p. 4) much to make sense of or to preserve the events, but in an attempt
to prevent these experiences from destroying me. I offer them to
In order that you understand what I am talking about and how you with no more explanation than this. I do however ask you to
I present my story to you, it is necessary that I introduce myself. read them with gentle eyes and a gentle heart, for it is here that my
vulnerability and fragility is most exposed.
I invite you now to pause and have a look at the booklet, Images of
a Life Reviewed which forms part of this thesis. This is an album of I made the selection, not because they were the most representative
snapshots, poetry, letters and writings in which you will see images or eloquent; it was just that they held an emotional resonance that
of the life that I led with Alan and our three children until my connected me with the events themselves. They came together
world fell apart when he died. In the booklet, you will find snatches in this way as another example of the serendipity that has been
of writing that have been lifted from my memory. I show a little of a feature of my journey. I would like you to understand the
my life – or parts of it that relate to this enquiry. poignancy of the events that I describe. On the other hand I do
not want to you to feel that I am over-telling or magnifying what
I am a private person; revealing myself publicly does not come
may appear as tedious self-miseries. They rank low on the world
easily. I am reticent about privileging the “I” and about exposing
scale of human misfortunes, but they did serve to connect me with
myself unnecessarily. Neither do I want to cause discomfort to you,
the difficulties that many other people face. By 2005 they had cast
my reader, by burdening you with the emotionally charged details
me into a prolonged struggle with the consequences of suicide
of my life. In this, I have sought to follow the advice of Carolyn
and loss. Despite this, I also know that I have felt the feather of
Ellis: “the writer’s calm has to quiet the reader’s embarrassment”
kindness continue to brush my life in most unexpected ways. I
(1995, p. 312). I made the decision to expose my vulnerability,
have always felt lucky and my life indeed has been one of profound
however, not only because it is necessary for my thesis, but also
blessing and richness.
because, it is at such moments that the possibility of connection is
greatest (Brown, 2010). The central event is, of course, my husband’s suicide in 1994. My
memories of life are those of life before he died, and those of life
Images of a Life Reviewed is a distillation of the raw material of the
after. In the booklet I want to remember my love for Alan. I want
original events I was concerned with during my enquiry, and my
to pay a tribute to him – to his life, and to his death, and to honour
response to them. I use them to offer a context and background
each of our children for their courage and love.
to the subject matter of this narrative. My expectation is that you
will dip into them to put flesh on the bare bones of the events I start, however, with images of my childhood on the farm and
referred to in my journal and my thesis. I have also a belief that, by at school.
making our personal stories available publicly, we can offer to each

17
Remembering the Way

I was brought up on a farm, a child of parents who were ill. My MIECAT. MIECAT, originally, called the Melbourne Institute for
childhood was, in many respects, an unhappy one. My father Experiential and Creative Arts Therapy, is a postgraduate teaching
struggled with post-war injuries and chronic ill health as he tried institution –
to maintain a large and unruly farm; my mother fought severe dedicated to the idea of lifelong pursuit of meanings
mental illness all her life. The impact of this on me was immense. that enable individuals to participate effectively in the
I was a timid yet determined and competent little girl. My earliest work force as well as contribute constructively to society.
MIECAT uses a multi-modal, experiential arts approach
memories are of a love of the earth and the animals, a sense that I
to the exploration of meanings and the choices for action.
had a responsibility for others and a resolve to prove and improve This form of inquiry is based in respect, compassion, and
myself, and to help others. I used to seek relief from the difficulties commitment to the search for ways of living that support
at home by walking the earth, which I now see as an early sign of the flourishing of the planet. (MIECAT, 2011)
the blueprint of the pilgrim, which I already had in me.
On completion of each my qualifications I was offered, and took
My formal education was limited, as my focus was more on up, teaching positions at both the Phoenix Institute and MIECAT.
surviving the difficulties of life at home. At high school, I was In 2001, a colleague and I established The Art Therapy Studio
as much concerned with social reform and community issues as based at the Royal Talbot Rehabilitation Centre, Kew, where
with my studies. But I was successful in the life of the school and we offer arts therapy programs to patients at Royal Talbot and
would have gone on to further education. Instead, I married young to the wider community in Melbourne. These programs assist
and had three children. Next, I offer you images of treasured days people who are dealing with the psychological, emotional and
together with our children. spiritual impact of trauma, loss and transitions, while seeking new
understanding of their changed life circumstance. At the studio I
I have included, also, images of the heartbreak that my husband’s conduct therapeutic sessions for individuals and groups and also
loss caused us. It was not only Alan’s suicide that I was facing, supervise student therapists, practising therapists, and diploma
but also a life without him; without my children’s father whom I and masters students from MIECAT. The studio remains for me a
deeply loved. After his death I suffered severe ongoing financial beautiful place of creativity, peace and healing.
hardship; I was without an education or employment, and faced
homelessness. I was haunted by Alan’s death and troubled about
my family’s most basic survival needs. As a result, my health was
tenuous. This became an ongoing struggle which lasted for many
years. There were many other life and death challenges that played
out later and other stressors that impacted on me; but I have made
a decision not to concentrate on them in this enquiry.

Following Alan’s death, I set about acquiring professional

qualifications. I studied transpersonal art therapy at the Phoenix
Institute in 1998 and creative art therapy at Royal Melbourne
Institute of Technology before I went on to complete my
graduate diploma and masters degree in creative arts therapy at The Art Therapy Studio, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 2011.

18
 Chapter 1 The Way

I would not describe myself as an intellect-driven person: I am

more at home with feelings and emotions; with art and metaphor;
with myth and mystery. I see things in a circular, rather than linear,
way. The world, for me, is felt in an acute, even painful, way and
I am highly sensitive to the environment in which I find myself. I
communicate using presence, dance and gesture rather than words.
I am not as comfortable verbally as I am with listening, reading
and meditating.

I respond to the world… ideas… people, structures… very

subjectively… kinaesthetically… I am consequently not able to analyse
objectively… I sway so much… seduced, moved… influenced. Therefore
my felt sense is most important, finding the inner unyielding reference
point – my centre.
Journal, 30 January 2006, at home

All of this has meant that the writing of a thesis such as this, at
doctoral level, has presented quite a challenge. A further challenge,
and one underlying all of the others, is a deep sense of personal
worthlessness. The fiery breath of this ever-present dragon singed
me at every turn of the research process. But I am a determined,
even stubborn, person and I have a sturdy resistance to giving in.
And so, despite the difficulties, the thesis is now in your hands.

19
Remembering the Way

About my Journey of darkness, fruitful and ecstatic darkness, the dark night of the
soul, soul retrieval, integration of opposites, surrender, night sea
journeys, conscious depression, soul care, soul voice, redemption,
All the spiritual teachers of humanity have told us the same life review, healing the sacred wound, re-connection with self,
thing, that the purpose of life on earth is to achieve union embracing the shadow, paying homage to the past, purification,
with our fundamental, enlightened nature. … There is only longings, revealing the code of one’s soul, the sacred contact of
one way to do this, and that is to undertake the spiritual personal potential, living the unlived life, search for wholeness,
journey, with all the ardour and intelligence, courage and
connection with the divine or sacred feminine, death and rebirth.
resolve for transformation that we can muster.
Sogyal Rinpoche (2002, p. 126) In order to gain understanding I considered the following
frameworks: Buddhist psychology, neurology, mindfulness,
During the six years of my enquiry I followed my instinct. I read bereavement theory (especially about complex and disenfranchised
anything that held some resonance for me; a Buddhist text reviewed grief), traumatology, suicidology, mythology, ritual, mysticism,
by an eminent scholar, scientific articles on trauma and neurology, spiritual emergence, the healing arts, prayer, meditation, Jungian
extracts from the Bhagavad Gita, letters from the fifteenth century perspectives, transpersonal psychology, astrological review,
philosopher, Marsilio Ficino (2001), accounts of more radical archetypal psychology, alchemy, the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step
methods such as vibrational healing (Gerber, 2001), and much program, depth psychology, anthroposophy, sacred psychology,
more. I could have at any stage explored in depth any one of these evolution and paths of consciousness, process-orientated
areas, for each held intense attraction for me. These texts provided psychology, symbolism, past lives and reincarnation, and from the
valuable information along the way, but I was careful to ensure that view of comparative theology, religion and philosophy. Whatever
they did not obscure the true path of my enquiry. Kat Duff, in the the terminology or path, I discovered that the many traditions
context of illness, puts it this way. cross over and are expressions of the one sacred life force.
This eclectic assortment helped me to see through the filter
of scientific materialism that clouds our vision in this day I read some of the stories of the Grail Quest and Parsifal, fairytales,
and age to glimpse the deeper mysteries and hidden designs stories from the great archetypal myths, Dante’s Divine Comedy
of illness. What began as a simple exploration, during (Alighieri, 1939), and Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress (Bunyan, 2005).
which I often felt like the proverbial blind man feeling the
I felt a particular affinity with the myth of Psyche and Eros; like
trunk of an elephant, became a quest – a search for meaning
and purpose of illness, in my own life and in the world we Psyche, I faced a series of trials in order to win my treasure. Like all
share. (Duff, 1993, pp. xiii-xiv) great myths, the story unfolded on multiple levels; stories within
stories. As I came upon these perspectives I often felt I had finally
By intuitively following the Tao, I was uncovering my own heart; found my home. “This is it!” I would declare. But I moved on.
my own psychic mythology was being revealed. During the Eventually, I realised the thesis was not about any one of them,
exploration I considered my experience potentially as initiation, but about the research enquiry into a personal quest itself, with
awakening, individuation, pilgrimage, transformation, becoming, all its twists and turns; it was a pilgrimage, a heroine’s journey and
re-unification, midlife transition, menopausal rites of passage to an initiation.
wise crone, alternative healing modalities, search for the self/Self/
beloved/sacred/divine, becoming the wounded healer, the necessity

20
 Chapter 1 The Way

The classic structure of the hero’s journey is Joseph Campbell’s

three-stages – departure, initiation and return – with the hero
emerging from the process transformed. As you will see, things
didn’t quite work out that way. First, the process was not at all
a linear one; I found myself coming back repeatedly to each of
the stages which I had thought I had left behind. The image of
the labyrinth seemed more appropriate to this reality. Second,
the first and second stages very quickly merged. Having made the
decision to undertake the journey I quickly found myself in the
initiation stage, so that, for me, the journey had primarily two
parts: the descent and the emergence, or the way to the centre of
the labyrinth and the way out. Next, the third stage, the return,
did not seem to follow on smoothly from what had gone before.
For example, when I was engaged in the later task of writing up
the thesis I might have expected that I had already ascended and
emerged from the process, or at least that the ascent was well
underway. I found, however, that the writing up and compilation
of the thesis provoked in me an anxiety that was physical as well
as emotional as I kept returning to these darker regions. I had to
consider ways to manage this. Finally, the happy ending, which the
image of the hero’s journey evokes, was not as I expected. I think
I have undergone a transformative process, but in a more feminine
manner. It is more a gentle coming to terms with my past, a sense
of quiet acceptance and profound gratitude for life, rather than a
noticeable transformation of myself. I see myself as having at least
one foot still in the labyrinth. My impression is that the process
is an ongoing one and that the transformation promised in the
myths, is something that I will continue to work towards for the
rest of my life.

21
Remembering the Way

About the Thesis vision as well as with the sadness and pain of the human
condition. When the power and vision come together,
there’s a sense of doing things properly for their own sake.
(Chödrön, 1991, p. 78)
Pilgrimage has been for me, and for many others, a form of
inquiry in action. Personal ritual and ceremonies can “inspire a feeling of awe and
Phil Cousineau (1998, p. 104) worship in the human soul” (R. A. Johnson, 1986, p. 102), and
transform our consciousness (Kornfield, 2008, pp. 282-288).
I would like to emphasise that this thesis is not about the events New ways of being and knowing that have significant and far-
of my childhood or the death of my husband, although it is true reaching effects can be invoked, and meanings can be rearranged. I
that these provide some of the experiences I enquired into. The use rituals in my personal life and in my professional work, and it
thesis focuses on the period from 2005, in which I pursued this is something of a disappointment to me that they have not formed
enquiry through the MIECAT processes (Lett, 2010a). In this part of this research presentation. Somehow, they did not take
period I reflected upon and documented my thoughts, dreams and hold. This left me with the daunting prospect of using my thinking
recollections of those past events, seeking an “understanding of function and writing my story. These are functions and modalities
ways of being that are troubled and the intense loss of meaning with which I feel less competent. I think now that this might have
found in the discordant patterns of living” which characterised been part of the healing process. Intuitively, I had selected a course
my life by 2005 (Lett, 2009). The thesis records this arts-based, that brought into balance the less developed, as well as the more
multi-modal process of enquiry and seeks to identify what I developed aspects of my personality. I raised this with my friend
have come to understand from it. While it is a type of narrative and guide, Rachael Feather, Jungian analytic psychotherapist and
and discussion between the researcher/therapist and the small- archetypal astrologer, and she said this:
me that is personally involved, I would hope that it is seen as an I suspect you “chose” to use your thinking function for the
open conversation that you, the reader, feel invited to take part thesis because there was a readiness in you to develop that
in alongside me. This is a multidisciplinary enquiry and much of function … so that the feeling-thinking polarity is capable
the subject matter will remain open, standing as an invitation to of a “dialectic” and so that there is a reduced tendency
towards a one-sidedness. ... It is certainly hard work to bring
further questions and research.
our inferior function to some level of functionality, and
wrestling with this challenge means that “feeling” will now
become progressively better able to inform “thinking”, and
An experiential record. likewise “thinking” will be better equipped to “inform”
the feeling dimension of experience and expression. It is
An important task was for me to convey to you my feelings, thoughts an effort that will bring many benefits as a result. (personal
and interpretations – the total experience of my enquiry. I felt that, communication, 21 January 2011)
to succeed in this, I must communicate with you creatively and in
an evocative way. Many times I was convinced that my thesis would On reflection, I am aware that producing this thesis is an act of
take the form of a ritual, ceremony or movement presentation. I ritual in itself, though not a simple one.
wanted to explore the authentic embodiment of the experience. I,
too, like Pema Chödrön, felt that – In the early drafts of my thesis, I produced gutsy, raw and
genuine, heartfelt ritual helps us reconnect with power and vulnerable writings. I tested out the different formats for writing;

22
 Chapter 1 The Way

for example, conversations between client and therapist, as I did for as a component, its emotional and spiritual impact on me, both
my masters thesis, or between pilgrim and guiding angel. I did this as the subject and as the researcher (Thorburn & Hibbard, 2008,
in order to get some detachment from the painful memories that p. 161). Part of the methodological challenge of this has been
I was wrestling with. In the end, I decided upon a format which to devise creative ways in which the multi-faceted, multi-voiced
reflects the tone and nature of the data upon which my research is and multi-lived realities can be in communication with an aesthetic
based – the entries in my journal made at the time. It is my story. It simplicity.
is my story of an ordinary life – one that has been rich and blessed,
I would like, as well, to show you the complexities of the corrugated
but not without its challenges. And it is told in everyday language.
thoughts and the meandering pathways of my enquiry. In order to
It is, after all, the way I speak.
maintain the integrity of all stages; of the lived experience, the
I want to own and strengthen my understanding about my life; reflecting on the lived experience, and now the reflexive stance as
I seek to take up my own authorship and sense of author-ity. viewed by me as “researcher-explorer” (Finlay, 2003) and doctoral
Unleashing my inner creativity is tantamount to retrieving some student, I include numerous journal entries. I will seek to weave
of my imprisoned life forces. I relate to the sentiments expressed their non-linear ways of thinking into a form of logical coherency,
by Kate, a subject of Marion Woodman’s book, Leaving My Father’s notwithstanding that this does distort their reality. If I were to
House (Woodman, Danson, Hamilton, & Allen, 1993), who wrote present them in their true chaotic form, it would be difficult to
her first drafts of her story in the third person in order to distance read about them and understand them (Watford, 2008). I have a
herself from the pain of her memories. When she returned to sense, too, that I need to make these pathways clear for myself, and
the manuscript, she realised that, in order to truly own her story, for you, the reader, by locating us both in the lived experience itself.
she had to write it in the first person, “writing from her own life
blood” (p. 34).
An understandable artistic work.
Importantly, by presenting personal lived experiences I wanted to
avoid generalisations and absolutes, yet within this framework I I have endeavoured to make the thesis attractive and comprehensible,
hope I have been able to convey the ideas of other writers and wanting to avoid a dry style that is found in some academic writing.
researchers as well. During the course of preparing this thesis, I have come across
articles that, put bluntly, were so impenetrable and jargon-ridden
that my head hurt when deciphering them. I found myself asking,
An engagement in complexity. “Surely, this is not a necessary feature of qualitative research
writing?” (Caulley, 2008; Richardson & St Pierre, 2005). My
In the communication of my experiences there are many layers. One
concern is to communicate my experiences as directly as possible
is where I describe, largely from my journal, my experiences and
and yet not to diminish their complexity.
feelings throughout the research period; and another reflexive layer
However, if one wishes one’s research findings to make a
is where I discuss what I have learnt. This reveals a very interesting difference in the lives of others, then it becomes important
and challenging aspect of the research process. Ultimately, my role to write, present, and publish not only for fellow professional
is to communicate to the reader all the layers of this experiencing researchers, but also for those who are actively engaged
including my responses. This is not easy because the content has, in practical applications and also for the public at large.
Publishing research findings in peer-reviewed professional

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Remembering the Way

journals is important. However, it also is important to I believe that beauty will ultimately triumph over suffering, and
supplement these with publications in semi-popular and since one of the initial impulses was a concern with the notion of
popular publications, books, newsletters, and other similar healing and improved health, I resolved that the thesis itself should
formats, and to present one’s work and findings in ways that
exhibit its own form of wholeness and beauty.
make them available and readily accessible to the public (e.g.
more popular presentations, workshops, trainings, public Health is derived from the word “whole”. Beauty attunes the
lectures). It also is important to disseminate one’s work in mind to that whole, for beauty has the sense of wholeness
ways that make it available to professionals outside of one’s about it. If you look at anything of real beauty it is not
specific discipline—i.e. one can engage in projects that have “deconstructed”. It has a sense of its own totality. It doesn’t
interdisciplinary or trans-disciplinary relevance and appeal. have to dash ahead of itself or prove anything. It has its
(Braud, 2010) own completeness and repose. (Wray, 2001, p. 119)

I would like anyone to be able to pick up my thesis, to make sense I have, therefore, selected page layouts, typefaces and fonts, images
of it for his or her own purposes. I have used ordinary everyday and colour, as well as varieties of paper and book construction, to
language to convey the particularly powerful emotions that I have convey in a physical way what I experienced in writing my thesis,
experienced, making use of quotations from the journal because and what I would like you, my reader, to understand and experience
these were written in direct language, describing the experiences as in the reading of it (Richardson, 2000, p. 932).
they happened. I have also used other means of communication,
such as image, poetry, worded art representations and references
to myth and metaphor. These leave space for the imagination to
Structure of the thesis.
perceive what rational explanation alone cannot (Kornfield, 2000, Like my journey, the thesis falls, broadly, into two quite distinct
p. 117; Stein, 1998, p. 11). As an arts therapist, I am aware of the parts. The first is about the preparation for the journey and the
potential to engage with possibilities and contradictions in this experience of the descent into the underworld; the second, about
way. This multi-modal approach is a fundamental feature of the the ascent back to the upper world bringing with me the wisdom
MIECAT processes that I followed (Thorburn & Hibbard, 2008). gained from the experience. The thesis structure follows the natural
archetypal stages of preparation, descent and emergence. I have
I have also found myself liberally sprinkling the text with
taken liberty to move away slightly from the traditional Campbell
quotations from the work of others. As a woman trying to find her
schema of the journey and have, as best I can, remained true to the
elusive self, I often relied on quotations as stepping-stones to guide
authentic of the movement of my experience.
me and give me confidence as I followed a story that has long been
trapped in an inner conspiracy of silence. I would like to think that Chapter 2, Starting Out, and chapter 3, The Descent, are about the
the reader saw them as fragments of a mosaic. preparations that I made and the experience of my entry into
the underworld of my psyche. In these chapters, particularly
I have sought to present a work that holds the reader’s attention –
chapter 3, my work leans towards subjective, feminine, receptive
to make it an object of beauty that conveys as accurately as possible
and moonlike qualities – it was an underworld experience where
what I want to say. George Hagman suggests that “the creative
I allowed synchronicity to play a large role. I was open to receive
artist is concerned not just with articulation of subjective states
and examine whatever came my way – all kinds of memories,
of feeling but also with the most refined and perfect expression
emotions, ideas and information – anything that might have a
possible of his or her internal vision” (Hagman, 2009, p. 164).

24
 Chapter 1 The Way

bearing on my journey or shed light on my enquiry. This chapter example of claiming one’s own grief narrative and exploring the
offers an experiential representation of the journey, which in some idea that transformation that can arise from grief in order to
ways normalises the experience of darkness. I recorded it all in “weave it into something coherent in order for others to suffer
my journal, which became the primary data source. Adopting the less” (Berzoff, 2006, p. 123).
image of the labyrinth, the first three chapters represent my inward
This last chapter differs from what has gone before. In it I seek
passage towards the place of the stillness in the centre.
to integrate what I have experienced, learned and felt with the
In The Centre, I offer you this quality of stillness, which lies at the theoretical and academic work that has analysed these aspects.
centre of the labyrinth. It is here, in a place of transition, that I This required a synthesis of the private and the public, of left and
pause before turning back along the way of return. right brain functions, of the masculine and the feminine and of
spiritual and cognitive processes. It is a place where subjectivity
The remaining chapters chart my progress outward, up out of the
meets objectivity.
underworld. It is here that my focus shifts from emotion and spirit
to intellect and discussion, and here that I play a stronger and more I have already introduced you to the first of the two booklets,
active role; seeking out and identifying specific methodologies that which form part of this thesis. The first, Images of a Life Reviewed,
have assisted me in the enquiry. Chapter 4, Ways - Remembering the provides you with the background to my research and sets the
Processes, contains an account of the techniques and procedures that context of the experiences that are its subject matter. In the second,
I used in the enquiry. This is followed in chapter 5, The Bricoleur’s Images of a Research Enquiry, which I will introduce in chapter 4, I use
Nest, by a more formal explanation of the methodology I used. photographs and artwork to illustrate the processes of my enquiry.
And in chapter 6, Others’ Ways, I locate my research in the body of
professional and academic literature. I have placed this discussion
towards the end of my thesis, rather than at the beginning, as is the
convention, as this reflects my experience that the literature became
important in the later part of my enquiry, when I was making sense
of my experiences. It was at this stage that I wanted to expand my
understanding in the light of the research of others.

In chapter 7, The Way Home, I arrive in the outer world from where
I set out. I describe my emergence from the underworld and what
I have found there. I stand back and consider what I have learnt
from my enquiry, how it has been of value for me personally and
professionally. I consider, too, what contribution my work may
make as a research narrative of a six-year longitudinal study in
transformation. I then offer some suggestions and warnings to
others who might be minded to undertake a journey such as this.
I begin to move from surviving towards thriving, and even towards
social activism. I describe how my journey might be seen as an

25
Remembering the Way

Sources. the wider community. I have not passed them by for this reason.
I am ready to receive guidance and wisdom wherever it may be
I want to say something, now, about an aspect of my research, found. In the difficult years following my husband’s death,
which might be seen to present a difficulty. I am aware that this is I derived great benefit from such works and, as I returned to some
an academic work. I am aware, too, that the type of life review that of them in the present context I continued to find their insights as
I describe has been discussed by many writers, some of whom may valuable as ever. I make no apology for quoting passages and well-
not have an academic background or who have chosen to publish turned phrases from these works where they reflect or illuminate
in non-academic books. These include even the authors of works my own experience.
that might be dismissed as self-help books, and works of popular
psychology. When I researched the literature, I encountered I have, nonetheless, recognised the differences between these two
their contributions as well as the peer-reviewed publications types of resource and have been wary of the less academically
of academics and the work of experienced and respected non- respectable. But the nature of my enquiry – particularly in the early
academic practitioners. The difficulty is what use might be made chapters which deal with the descent – requires me to describe
of these differing resources in a thesis such as this. an experience that I underwent as I opened myself to the pain
of my past. While I acknowledge the help that I have received on
this journey from a variety of writings, particularly those of the
academic community, I found guidance and help also from non-
academic literature as I descended into the underworld. When I
came to write about my experiences at that time, these writings
had to be included; they were part of the experience. Where, in
my thesis I drew upon these works, I have provided references,
as I have with academically recognised sources. The peer-reviewed
writings became more relevant in the later chapters. It is here,
where I return to the outer world, that I consider what others have
made of enquiries such as mine and reflect upon my experience
and its implications. In this later part of my thesis, I have sought
to restrict my resources to materials that are generally accepted in
academia.

Books as Sources, digital photograph, Jenni Harris 2010. I have referenced all quoted passages and information and opinions
obtained from my research as is required in a thesis such as this.
It is not always easy to draw a line between these types of writing. There are, however, one or two occasions where I have been unable
Some of the works, which I have consulted, may not be classed as to locate the precise source. This may be a quotation without
academic, notwithstanding that they were written by persons with specific reference sourced from a work that I have consulted or an
high academic qualifications and extensive practical professional unsourced quotation, the authenticity of which I have no reason
experience in their field, because they are not directly the product to doubt. In each case I have tried to locate the reference to the
of peer-reviewed academic research. They may also be works limit of the resources available to me and, where I have been
presented in a style more accessible to the public and available to unsuccessful, I simply state that the reference is unknown.

26
 Chapter 1 The Way

Slight deviations from convention.

I have made a departure from tradition by choosing to refer to
the authors of the literature by their full name rather than their
surname alone. I consciously chose this as a mark of collegial
respect for them as people. It is in line with, and symbolic of,
the more inclusive feminine sensibilities which are embedded in
the ethos of this work and it fits the values of the participatory
enquiry paradigm that underpins it.

I am aware that it is usual to include a section on the limitations of

the research. But in this case I cast many of the limitations in the
form of suggestions and warnings which are covered in chapter 7.

You will have seen, too, that I use the word enquiry rather than
inquiry, although I do use the Americanised spelling where the
word is included in a quotation or where it is used as part of a term
of art, such as organic inquiry.

27
Remembering the Way

About You
I address you as a reader. My thesis, however, takes the form
of an illustrated, but one-sided, conversation between us. My
communication to you is, however, more than a simple verbal
account of events that I witnessed and played a part in. I would
like to think of you hearing and sensing, what I have to say, for it
is narrative truth (Ellis, 1995, p. 316), and is presented as literary
rather than scientific writing (Richardson & St Pierre, 2005,
p. 960). I hope that you will read the words, not so much in a
literal way, but as a gateway to a more elusive experience that is to
be sensed and felt, as much as understood.
There is a saying in therapy, “Follow the affect.” Following
the affect means not being overly distracted by the content
of a person’s story but instead attending to the emotional
reality of what they are saying and how they are saying it.
(Epstein, 2001, p. 163)
I ask that you hear me slowly and with patience. Like my journey,
my story is not a linear one, and like a labyrinth it winds about
and, at times, turns back on itself. Read what is in the lines of my
text; read also what lies between them and is shrouded by the words
themselves. I hope that you may also interact with and “identify
with the material and find unique and personal meanings” (Ettling,
2000, p. 4) for yourself. This is an autoethnographic text, a
narrative of the self (Rodriguez, 2006, p. 1069), whose purpose
is to communicate an embodied knowing of my experiences and
insights and to bring this knowing into my relationship with the
culture and society in which I find myself.

Whoever you may be, whether one of my children, one of my

friends, a colleague, an examiner, a student, a passing reader or
a fellow pilgrim, I trust that you will approach my work as an
integral whole – its every aspect contributing to its essential nature
as a creative and artistic work whose function is “to encourage
compassion and promote dialogue” (Ellis & Bochner, 2000,
p. 748).

28
 Chapter 2

Starting Out
 A Blessing for the Traveller

Every time you leave home, When you travel,

Another road takes you A new silence
Into a world you were never in, Goes with you,
And if you listen,
New strangers on other paths await.
You will hear
New places that have never seen you
What your heart would
Will startle a little at your entry.
Love to say.
Old places that know you well
Will pretend nothing A journey can become a sacred thing.
Changed since your last visit.
Make sure, before you go,
When you travel, you find yourself To take time
Alone in a different way, To bless your going forth,
More attentive now To free your heart of ballast
To the self you bring along, So that the compass of your soul
Your more subtle eye watching Might direct you towards
You abroad; and how what meets you The territories of spirit
Touches that part of the heart Where you will discover
That lies low at home: More of your hidden life;
And the urgencies
How you unexpectedly attune
That deserve to claim you.
To the timbre in some voice,
Opening a conversation May you travel in an awakened way,
You want to take in Gathered wisely into your inner ground;
To where your longing That you may not waste the invitations
Has pressed hard enough Which wait along the way to transform you.

Stepping Forth –
Inward, on some unsaid dark,
May you travel safely, arrive refreshed
To create a crystal of insight,
Compostela Pilgrimage
And live your time away to its fullest;
You could not have known
Return home, more enriched, and free
You needed
To balance the gift of days which call you.
To illuminate
Your way. John O’Donohue
(2007, p. 69)

31
 Answering the Call
The Longing

Hope
er that
ct or at e? And so I consid
ng th is do actually
Why am I writi ne ss an d ne ed to retreat may
n selfish ’m doing it.
perhaps my ow t th is is not why I
eventually help
ot he rs bu will discover
f. I ca n’ t imagine that I
I am doing it fo
r m ys el ntil I keep
will not know u

Blessing
ho kn ow s? I e
tw thread with som
anything new, bu in g th e in vis ib le
follow Doing this
questioning and d some method.

Setting Out
rigo u r an
curiosity and so m e for what
vin g m ys el f a framework
doctorate is ab
ou t gi the hell
. T ha t it be w hole – whatever
do me – because
I really want to tly doing this for
that means ! I am fi rs ed way I am.
in the half-heart

Retreat
er liv e m y lif e happy.
I can no long o I w ou ld be really, really
fi t to aling
If others bene pp en . I al so wonder about he
ver ha e we
And that may ne of so m et hi ng? I wonder ar
ean la ck here
– does healing m l w e ar e do ing is uncovering. W
d that al the present
already whole an y an d th e ability to live in
s jo is it?
does spontaneou na tural state, or

The Invisible
hy is th is no t a dacity
Do I have the au

Listening
moment fit? W d no an sw er s.
ons an I will do it.
All these questi e? M y answer is yes
do ct or at scovering
to attempt a and is it just di

Thread
id er he al in g
I continue to co
ns whole.
r th e fi rs t ti me that we are t is
if fo wounding? Wha
and knowing as in ? W ha t is
nding fi t proceed.
Where does wou th en tici ty ? …. And still I will
t is au
wholeness? Wha Ju ly 20 05, Hepburn Spr
ings.
On retr ea t, 15

Blueprint
Healing

33
 Chapter 2

Starting Out

Early Whisperings T his chapter describes my starting out; but also, where I set out
from, my pre-understandings, my beliefs and my assumptions.
I do this to make transparent my own stance as a researcher, and to
The spiritual pilgrim goes because he is called; because he set this study in the context of the literature. I have always had a
wants to go, must go, if he is to find rest and peace. strong sense of spirituality and the such-ness of existence, that is,
Evelyn Underhill (1990, p. 132) an awareness of “an inner experience of connection to something
greater than myself, a personal sense of the sacred and meaningful”
(Lukoff, 2007, p. 635). I am sure that this has led me to an interest
in archetypal and transpersonal psychology and to the MIECAT
procedures as a form of enquiry.

Soul blueprint.
Each of us carries an intuition, a latent conviction that all
this finally adds up to a meaning. There is the universal
sense in humans that there is unity and cohesion at the
heart of life, and that it is possible for us to be consciously
aware of it. So far as I can discover, it is this awareness
of the primordial and essential unity of the human psyche
that most religions and philosophies have referred to as
enlightenment.
Robert Johnson (1986, p. 39)

James Hillman believes that each soul has its own particular daimon,
given to us before birth, that carries for us the understanding
of our destiny of this lifetime. He calls it a “soul companion”
(1997, p. 8). Carl Jung once said that we bring with us at birth
the ground-plan of our nature (1961, p. 718), and Platonists
tell us that we elect the body, the parents, the place of birth, and

35
Remembering the Way

the circumstances that suit the incarnation of the soul (Hillman, I believe that the message of this daimon was seen in my biography
1997, p. 8). This suggests that these are choices, which reflect – particularly in my early childhood, and I recognise the experience
the intention of the soul, though this intention may be forgotten that James Hillman describes.
and not understood fully. Jung refers to the lifelong process of Sooner or later something seems to call us onto a particular
individuation as waking up to be the complete human being we path. You may remember this “something” as a signal
were born to be; “our waking up to our total selves, allowing our moment in childhood when an urge out of nowhere,
a fascination, a peculiar turn of events struck like an
conscious personalities to develop until they include all the basic
annunciation; this is what I must do, this is what I’ve got to
elements that are inherent in each of us at the preconscious level” have. This is who I am. (Hillman, 1997, p. 3)
(R. A. Johnson, 1986, p. 11). Robert Johnson calls this process the
“actualising of the blueprint”. And so, as I set out on my quest, I This thesis is about my response to that call.
already knew that my challenge would be to recognise and accept I find some of my own blueprint in this striking memory, which
this blueprint. has never left me:
If you listen and respond to The Whisper in life it will inform and form The sandpit was smelly. No one ever really played in it. Though no one
your “real” life; it becomes in-form-ation. Sometimes it is an event, but ever played anyhow, not at all. I could feel the worn grey wood edges
usually it comes in the form of a small hum, a felt sense, a lingering of below my small bottom. I could smell the cat’s piss.
knowing, an epiphany moment, and edgy experience, a dream, an image I felt small. Lonely and alone. Young eyes gazed out towards the barren
– it lingers, it haunts, it flirts; it doesn’t impose its will, it is initially landscape, a solitary line of lonely gum trees bravely stood on the distant
there as an offering. horizon. Nothing else to see really just barren loneliness. I was about
I am speaking of the glimmerings of subtleties that could be easily passed eight, I guess. A young plain, shy girl, sitting there with my only mirror
by; it is like a feather brushing your skin, it can be there and gone again being that desolate countryside. The air was grey, the sky was grey, life
in a moment but the delicacy of the experience holds a finely lingering was grey, I sat on grey wood.
resonance. It plucks a musical note to the receiver on an inner level and, But I felt a miniscule spark inside me, some unnameable presence that
on reflection, one realises that the notes form a unique soul-song that can connected with something more vast than my own life, and it said to
be heard principally by the beneficiary’s own heart and body. me, “You will not be trapped here, you will be free, you have a task in
They are events in the inner world, a sort of pre-cognition before cognition life and you will make a difference”. Now as I write and I squash that
and before recognition. moment into some clumsy new age type words, I feel sick. I resist making
Perhaps the score had been determined before birth, of this I am not the experience into something. Yet, it is what I experienced. Somehow the
sure. Perhaps some of the tune or harmony gets lost or not heard, and blueprint of my future lay in those moments.
perhaps we all hear precisely the music we are meant to hear. Perhaps
we ignore some notes and they are then repeated in louder and more Journal, May 2008, at a yoga/writing retreat in Bali
demanding ways, in recurring dreams or illnesses, for example. They can As a little girl, I felt the ache of the earth; I felt the suffering of the
be recognised when we say, “I am not sure why I followed this but…” or
animals; I felt the pain of the world. I can see now that, even then, I
“if only I had taken notice of…” or “I had a gut feeling to …”
carried a prayer – a holy longing for transformation for myself and
We listen to these intuitive whisperings – these fine longings that are
written like a faint script upon the soul, and either respond or ignore them, a will to help relieve the suffering of others. I knew in myself that
and thereby determine our future destiny. this is what I was destined to do; this is who I am. The writings of
Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield have long been important for me.
Journal, 27 December 2006, at home
I have never forgotten these words he wrote in 2000:

36
 Chapter 2 Starting Out

To use our life to move toward compassion and away

from suffering is the only thing that matters. Our gifts
are blessings from the ancestors, the gods, the creative
intelligence of life. If we are open, our gifts will choose us
as much as we choose them. To begin we must only listen.
(2000, p. 279)
I believe that it is wise to listen to the chant within our own heart;
it is prudent, too, to heed the message of the daimon. We can
recognise its voice, align our life with its intention and accept
what follows from this. Any heartache, shock or trauma, which
we encounter, can then be seen as part of our destiny and, indeed,
something which is necessary to fulfil the daimon’s vision. Jean
Houston spoke in similar terms.
Entelechy, as I use it, refers to the dynamic purposiveness of
the patterns of possibility encoded in each of us. Thus, it is
the entelechy of an acorn to be an oak; it is the entelechy of
a baby to be an adult, of you to be the God only knows who
or what. What happens in sacred psychology is the tapping
into the entelechy of the self, the level most directly related
to the Divine Self. With some, the experience of tapping
into the entelechy is very quiet, with some it can be more
explosive, with others it is a steady unfolding. However
it occurs, it is a purposive and powerful unfolding and
recognition of your own potential. (Houston, 1987, p. 31)
I remember reading that Jean Houston believed that the blueprint
is a seeded, coded essence in which our personal potential is
The Buried Seed, chalk pastel representation, Jenni Harris, 2008.
contained and that it is a Root Self – the “operant angel” of our
present life. When we are ready and able to hear the wishes of As I see it now, the seed contained the blueprint encoded at my birth
this spirit, we are ready to begin to ask the questions: “What do I that meant that, from the first moment of my life, I had certain
want from life?” “What does life want from me?” and, “What do challenges to deal with. As a result, I felt a sense of responsibility
I have to offer?” When we are able to consider life in this way, the for more than a child may usually have to bear. Responsibilities for
personal story or wounds merge with archetypal myths, gaining others have weighed heavily upon me and have been an important
coherence and a new and more meaningful perspective. The world part of my life for as long as I can remember. I am sure that it
will never make sense if viewed from one level of reality only, was the conflict between this acute sense of responsibility and a
without regard to its more subtle aspects. This background, belief perception that I was unable to fulfil its demands, which was a key
and understanding have long been a part of me and I now became factor in the tension I was feeling in 2005 when I embarked upon
increasingly curious to explore these ideas again. this enquiry. At the same time I heard the voice of another, whom

37
Remembering the Way

I call the critic or guardian of the threshold, (sometimes male, But I also wanted to understand my longings, gifts, destiny, and
sometimes female; but I shall generally refer to him as male) telling soulful and intellectual capacities, alongside my ability to love
me that this enquiry was self-centred and self-indulgent. But as I others and ultimately be able to extend this care and compassion
no longer wished to live with myself in the way that I then was, outward into the world.
I had little choice but to pursue this enquiry. In a way, the enquiry
chose me.

I hoped that, by reflecting upon my life events, my perspective on

these experiences would be enlivened and transformed, and that I
would see the spiritual wisdom underlying my biography in terms
of metaphor and myth.

What I do know at the moment is that something in my own life needs

to change. I strongly suspect that I don’t really need to go anywhere to
do that, that what I’m looking for is a sense of self. Circumstances have
called me to respond again and again to “what is before me” – when life
challenged me on many levels, often for the most basic of survival needs.
I’m hoping and praying that there is going to be a space that opens for me
so that I can sit with myself – with my thoughts and with my prayers
and with my dreams. It’s about reclaiming myself; it’s about finding my
home and my centre regardless of what is happening around me.
Journal, 1 January 2006

From the start I felt that I was setting out to follow “… the deepest
yearning in every human soul [which] is to return to its spiritual
source, there to experience communion and even union with the
Beloved” (Houston, 1987, p. xi).
It is the larger Self that I am also looking for – the blueprint: the primal
pattern being the one that would help me harvest meaning from the chaos,
which was my life. “This includes the ability to perceive and experience
the numinous, the felt sense of divinity and spirituality” (Wellings
& McCormick, 2000, p. 17). It must be greater than the ego, and
descriptions become paradoxical as they approach its ineffability. “Hence
it is both at the centre and the periphery of the psyche simultaneously”
(Wellings & McCormick, 2000, p. 17). … And so what am I
proposing to explore is the seed of my “true nature” that I am suggesting
was present at birth and which has been a driving force in my life.
Journal, 1 January 2006, in the studio

38
 Chapter 2 Starting Out

The Longing It was a yearning which would often come back to dance with me
as the years passed. The longing, like a hidden compass, got me
started on the journey and, in varying ways, stayed with me through
Longing is the core of the Mystery.
the whole enquiry. But it was a feeling that I find quite difficult to
Longing itself brings the cure.
Jelaluddin Rumi (2010, p. 403) describe. There was a hankering, something I could barely name.
I have a much thumbed copy of Clarissa Pinkola Estés’ Women who
While I longed to find relief from the physical and psychic Run with the Wolves (1998). My feeling was like her description of
exhaustion which I then felt, I sensed that there was a greater the yearning for the Wild Woman within us: we are called by it to
underlying issue which had long been nagging at me – I had no live our life rather than be deadened by it. We may not know its
roots, no home, no sense of place, or sense of connection to self. name or where it resides, but we strain towards it. We crave for it
The question that I asked myself was the same asked by Parsifal: and love it with all our heart.
What ails thee? What really ailed me? I had a sense that I needed
to go through the pain to come to peace with it. I felt in my inner I knew that it was this longing that was leading me on, to proceed,
being a longing – a restlessness, a need to feel something deeper with or without hope. This is done by trial and error, often with
than “the surface glare of things” (Scobie, 2006, p. 64). To turn many trials and many errors, but not giving up.
my back on this would be to miss a timely opportunity to follow
this thread to a greater awareness of human nature. Connie Zweig
tells us that the yearning of the soul means –
holding the tension of our longing, returning it again and
again to our own souls, so that ultimately it may reveal
its secrets. It means tracking spiritual desire like a faint
footprint, not to trap an object, but to catch its scent and
follow it deeper into the landscape of the soul. (Zweig,
2003, p. 16)
It is an “essential yearning – a secret feeling with many disguises“
and is embedded in the blueprint of each person’s soul. “It is the
seed of a soul’s desire, which spurs us to take certain actions, which
in turn evoke more desire and again more action” (Zweig, 2003,
p. 9). The yearning calls us on, like a whispering echo and we
respond, not always knowingly.
We long for healing and peace with the past. We long to
know ourselves deeply, to know the place in which we
can discover the divine. We long to temper and hone our
gifts, to put them into action in the world. (Artress, 1995,
pp. 14-15)

39
Remembering the Way

The Call unattractive. Carol Pearson, in her book, The Hero Within, warns
that, if we do not heed the call and if we continue to play what we
see as our –
Inherent in every wound is a call … a summons by the Spirit prescribed social roles instead of taking our journeys, we
to realise one’s true nature by dropping certain illusions and feel numb; we experience a sense of alienation, a void,
inauthentic representations of Self. This call is an invitation an emptiness inside. People who are discouraged from
to transcendence and to the development of a progressively slaying dragons internalise the urge and slay themselves by
more integrated personality. declaring war on their fat, their selfishness, or some other
attribute they think does not please. Or they become ill and
Robert Grant (1996, pp. 63-64) have to struggle to get well. In shying away from the quest,
At this time, even when I felt so exhausted, I was conscious of a we experience nonlife and, accordingly we call forth less life
in the culture. (Pearson, 1989, p. 1)
heightened sense of awareness and sensitivity. I was in a state of
openness and transition, like a wounded deer which “deserts the I could not ignore these longings. I suspected that, if I did not
herd and lives in a cave until it is healed or dead” (Kahlil Gibran, participate in the transformative enquiry, sickness or accident
2005, Chapter 5 – Before the throne of death). would have intervened. I recalled Robert Johnson’s warning: “If we
try to ignore the inner world, as most of us do, the unconscious will
My sense of longing was so acute that I was ready to hear even the find its way into our lives through pathology: our psychosomatic
faintest call. symptoms, compulsions, depressions, and neuroses” (R. A.
This call may come from outside in the form of an invitation Johnson, 1986, p. 11).
or a suggestion from another, or it may come in the form of
an inner voice. In either case it says, “there could be more This research enquiry was the perfect vessel to satisfy both my need
to life than that which you are living.” However it comes, for personal transformation and my strong desire to contribute in
the call sinks in deeply into the person’s being and remains
some way to the knowledge and practice of arts-based research.
there until it is either acted upon by the hero or killed by
one who will not follow the striving of his or her own heart. Many individuals turn a deaf ear to the whispers of the
(Rebillot, 1989, pp. 215-216) soul. Myths tell us of heroes who do not heed the call. ….
On the other hand, stories of the mystics and saints in every
There was a moment when I heard it. I recall it vividly. I am a little tradition give us a glimpse into the lives of those that follow
reticent to tell you exactly how it felt, but it is no exaggeration to the longing to its source. (Zweig, 2003, p. 3)
say that, on that day in early 2005, when the announcement of the I make no claim to be a mystic or a saint, but I knew it was time
doctoral program was made, time and space shifted for me. It was to hear and act upon the insistent whisperings of my soul. For me,
a critical moment; I stood at a gateway of choice – a choice that I refusal was not an option.
knew would have a profound effect on my life.

I knew that, despite an awareness of the need to make certain

changes to their life, many seek to avoid the call; they are too fearful
to risk changing a life of comfort or to relinquish what they see
as their control over their lives. Often their involvement in current
pursuits or personal pleasures makes the notion of transformation

40
 Chapter 2 Starting Out

Answering the call. unconscious” (R. A. Johnson, 1986, p. 23). I was encouraged by
the words of Paul Rebillot, which offered the promise of a new
I heard a voice in the wind call me and I responded. life:
Journal, 24 March 2009 By taking an archetypal structure and acting it out in the
here and now, the daily life of the individual is illuminated
Of course, I said yes. by the eternal. This creates the possibility of an interchange
between the two dimensions; a doorway is opened through
I do not know where I am going, or the name of my enquiry. What I which the archetypal world can enter the person’s life, thus
do know is that there are strains inside me that I cannot continue to live bringing new energy and form into the everyday world.
with and that I quite frankly wish to be free from. There is a heaviness (Rebillot, 1989, p. 215)
that drags at my body and mind that cannot be healthy. I want to break
free from these crippling weights. This is the start of my enquiry. I do For the next six years, I would follow every twist and turn, explore
not know where it will go, what it will entail but, like a pilgrim, I shall every crevice and listen to every song, as it presented itself. I became
follow. I suspect that the journey will be as important as the destination. faithful to what David Hartman and Diane Zimberoff describe as
Sounds like cliché. I do not know where it will take me. “discovering, exploring, and living in accordance with the depth
Journal, 1 January 2006, at the studio dimensions of existence. The depth dimensions are ways of being
that transcend our usual ways, defences, identity and beliefs about
I was weary. I felt I was on unsteady ground within myself, and self and the world” (2005, p. 10).
yet … I said yes. The opportunity to continue the formal research
which I had previously done in my masters thesis, coincided with Even as I set out I understood Robert Grant’s claim that “Those
the need to re-search back, in and through my own story. Research, wanting to move on must find ways to cope. They are condemned
in this light is “a searching again for what one has already felt as to discover meaning in the face of confusion and adversity
a call” (Romanyshyn, 2007, p. xi), and can be seen as a way of or be crushed in the process” (1996, p. 12). In the Buddhist
re-membering what has led the pilgrim to set forth. terminology that I was familiar with, I was being asked to use these
very circumstances to wake up. Pema Chödrön insists that our
An opportunity was offered and I accepted. I had to go home. life’s work is to do this and to become fully alive (1991). I now
Thank goodness for this natural homing signal that comes understand that I needed to be fully awake. I needed to accept this
louder and louder the more we are in need of return. … In call to awaken, to throw off the tyranny of the past and to connect
the face of “too much” we gradually become dry, our hearts
my smaller story with something greater.
become tired, our energies begin to become spare, and a
mysterious longing for – we almost never have a name for it
other than “a something” – rises up in us more and more;
then the Old One calls. (Estés, 1998, p. 277)
Something – I knew not what – was calling me. Very often we
wander around with a vague sense “that we have lost a part of
ourselves, that something that once belonged to us is missing”
(R. A. Johnson, 1986, p. 10). A promise of uniting the fragments
of myself into an undivided whole drew me, and a desire to lift
the veil to make visible “the otherwise invisible dynamics of the

41
Remembering the Way

My very first journal entry contains hints of what was to come.

On Friday I posted my first $500 cheque to MIECAT, a signature

and an agreement to begin a PD: a professional doctorate. In the last
couple of weeks, already I have woken with unpleasant dreams about this
undertaking and yet I knew, I knew I would commit to it. Already the
fear has arisen. What will this demand from me, from my life? What will
the next years hold for me, where will this journey take me? Am I capable
of it? Will it bring healing to my life? Can my project make a difference?
Does it need to? Am I allowed to simply be self-indulgent? What will
it take from my life? What will it give me? My ideas, my keywords –
story-telling, sacred space, coming home, reconnection with self, labyrinths,
trauma, disconnection, befriending the darkness, healing, darkness, divine
darkness. I have a longing to keep this thesis under control. And I know
I can’t. The mystic’s journey – not the journey of the modern successful
woman. I don’t know anymore.
Journal, 24 April 2005, at Merricks

I stepped out and became a pilgrim.

42
 Chapter 2 Starting Out

Setting Out The blessing.

The Celts understood that all beginnings risk the unknown; a
I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing blessing was intended to be a shelter around the pilgrim. John
where I’m going is what inspires me to travel it. O’Donohue (2003) points out that a blessing brightens the road;
the heart is no longer completely vulnerable to the dark. A journey
Rosalia de Castro (reference unknown)
can lead anywhere.
As you start on the Way, the Way appears.
I had some new pencils, a pencil sharpener and a stack of empty
Jelaluddin Rumi (2010, p. 409) journals. The words of St Francis of Assisi, “Lord, make me an
instrument of Thy peace …”, were ringing in my ears. They still
speak to me and guide me to this day. I was, somehow, surrendering
to the task in front of me. Once you set out however, there is no
certainty, not even a guarantee of arriving safely. To travel well, the
pilgrim makes a decision to surrender to destiny, to allow what
needs to play out to do so – to allow whatever comes to wash
over her as a cleansing experience. I began, as I began this chapter,
with The Traveller, a poem written by John O’Donohue as a blessing
prayer, and with a resolution to follow the Way wherever it took
me. For me, the journey was itself a blessing, which encouraged me
to give time to that which lay within and before me.

Before setting out the pilgrim would set her affairs in order, pay
her debts and bid farewell to family and friends – “put things of
the every day in order as much as possible so that one can travel
lightly, both mentally and physically” (Cousineau, 1998, p. 69).
This signifies a withdrawal from the world. This I did not intend
to do. I would try to maintain my professional life and most of my
social contacts. But, in fact, over the six years that followed, I made
a great many sacrifices, and often felt myself cut off from, and even
misunderstood by, the world I left behind – a world that I might
not ever be able to rejoin in the same way.

The Meandering Path, acrylic representation, Jenni Harris, 2007.

43
Remembering the Way

A contradictory process. the social opinions we absorb from the world around us” (R. A.
Johnson, 1986, p. 12), and to connect with the greater eternal now.
Alongside the research investigation, I knew that I was attempting
two seemingly contradictory processes. I wanted to find a healing In a sense I felt that the task I was about to undertake was a
balm for my wounds and to seek to reconstruct myself, while continuation of that which I had just completed. I concluded my
simultaneously dissolving the ideas of self in order to reach an masters thesis in 2005 by asking myself the question: what had I
experience of unity. learned from the life and death of my grandchild, Luca, and from
undertaking a self-enquiry about this? This was my response:
John Welwood’s writing shows that establishing this self initially through It was time to retreat for a while, time to recover and to
ego formation and finally through ego expansion and dissolution may be restore. Time to return to my own heart, to go “home”, in
considered the ideal goal of life (1990, 2000). This appears to be a order to meet the world anew. ... And I will keep travelling
neat linear project. He describes the process of psychotherapy as stages of towards the centre, the gestation in the darkness, where the
awareness, awakening an understanding. I liken my research enquiry to seed rests until germination, so spring can return. “… to
that of the therapeutic encounter – the vessel in which the transformative yield to the darkness so that, when the time comes, we can
experience takes place. He analyses the process as that of consecutively once again see the light, but with a deeper understanding of
exploring early childhood and later the presence of the child within the ourselves” (Recio & London, 2004, p. 47).
adult. This is followed by exploring the “inevitable psychological wounds” I now need time, like the autumn leaves, to let go, to
and the adaptation to those wounds giving rise to character styles, next surrender, time alone to think, to dream, to listen to my
the initiation and demand of adult life, followed by the wisdom of the heart and loosen the hold my ego has – as trite as that
dream world. I seem to be immersed in the process he describes but not sounds, time to breathe and to allow time for thorough
digestive health to return …
in accordance with his sequence. I feel like I am forming and dissolving
at the same time. Maybe I can extend those moments of presence and joyful
giving that Luca taught me about. Perhaps I will be a little
Journal, Monday 8 May 2006 more content with what is, rather than how I think it all
should be and to let go of what blocks my heart. The old
Jack Kornfield also speaks of this dilemma: there are two parallel outmoded patterns of struggle are dying, and a renewed
tasks in spiritual life. “One is to discover selflessness, the other sense of life is emerging. It is to do with trusting the
is to develop a healthy sense of self. Both sides of that apparent invisible thread in the labyrinth. But more than anything, I
paradox must be fulfilled for us to awaken” (1993, p. 198). These learnt about love. (J. Harris, 2005, p. 55)
processes, however, do fit neatly hand in hand. John Welwood goes
on to say that, in order to reach something much larger, we need
to free ourselves from attachment “to a narrow, conditioned self-
structure” (2000, p. 15) and from subject-object identification.
The image of a confining structure, like the narrow bed in the edge
dream, which I describe in chapter 3, became more significant for
me later. I saw my enquiry, therefore, as an opportunity to explore
my individuality through reflection, story, myth, dreams, images
and literature, and, at the same time, to “begin to see the difference
between the ideas and values that come out of our own selves and

44
 Chapter 2 Starting Out

A retreat for reflection. and to dance and write my way there. I want to write, but more than
anything “I want to write what is buried in my heart…”.
By way of ritual, before I set out formally on my path of enquiry, Journal, 12 July 2005 at Hepburn Springs
I took myself to the country for four days of solitary retreat. I
did not know it at the time, but I now see those days as a time When I was young, I read again and again The Diary of Anne Frank.
of deepening my listening, and as a blessing for the work ahead. As a young girl, I too, had kept a diary and, even then, had a
I wanted to gather my ideas, to prepare as it were, before I really fascination with the heroic journey; the idea of courage in adversity,
began. But in actual fact I had already begun from the moment I transformation and redemption spoke strongly to me. From the
said yes to the enquiry. gruelling yet illuminating stories of Anne Frank and Helen Keller
From now on, there is no such thing as a neutral act, an I sought inspiration. I recall the words of that brave girl, Anne
empty thought, and aimless day. Travels become sacred by Frank, who was about the same age I was when I read her words.
the depths of their contemplations. As in myth, dream, and I haven’t written for a few days, because I wanted first of all
poetry every word is saturated with meaning. (Cousineau, to think about my diary. It’s an odd idea for someone like
1998, p. 69) me to keep a diary; … because it seems to me that neither
I – nor for that matter anyone else – will be interested in the
Everything began to speak to me; the intelligent field around me unbosomings of a thirteen-year-old schoolgirl. Still, what
became alive with messages. I found myself with a heightened does that matter? I want to write, but more than that, I want
sense of attunement. to bring out all kinds of things that lie buried deep in my
heart. (A. Frank, 1954, p. 14)
I felt I was entering into an unknown world, where time and space
were already changing; that past and future were meeting in an Of her, Jean Shinoda Bolen wrote, “She had been a bright light in
eternal now. At that moment it seemed to me that the light of a darkening web. Her light did not go out when she died, however.
John O’Donohue’s blessing for the traveller was reaching me from Instead, through her words she inspired and continues to inspire;
eternal time, a time, which is not linear, a time when memory and her light grows brighter” (1994, p. 206). Now Anne Frank’s light,
future live within the one circle. It was if I had already discovered once again, shone towards me and lit the way, as it did all those
that all I needed to know was encoded in my process of enquiry. years ago.
Somehow the process knew, more than I did, that “the beauty of Buried in my own heart, I had both angst and joy. Now it was
a blessing always issues from a deeper place in time” (O’Donohue, time to find the blessing and the gifts, the meaning and the
2003, p. 172). possibilities that lay within my own woundedness. I wanted to find
I found myself in an atmosphere of stillness and peace. A dear a transformation of consciousness to arrive ultimately at a new
friend had given me, as a parting gift, a beautiful set of oracle relationship with my life. The past had left its imprint. Now I
cards. hoped to find the promise that John O’Donohue speaks of. “After
all this time, the dark providence of the suffering wants to somehow
Last night before I slept I drew two cards from Jane’s gift. The first one illuminate our lives so that we can now discover the unseen gift
was Vesta – home. Say no more. That’s all I want, my home. My physical that it bequeathed” (2003, p. 189). I wondered if that gift might
home and my home within myself. The next card I draw is Mother Mary include a greater capacity to help others, be they therapists, clients
– expect a miracle, have faith that your prayers have been heard and are
or fellow researchers?
being answered. My prayer – that I come home within and without

45
Remembering the Way

Once I made the commitment, ideas about the purpose started

to pour out. Curiously, once I crossed this threshold and pressed
on into the journey itself, the clear idea I had about this purpose
became less certain as I began the descent into the underworld.

After a long sleep I awoke the next morning. I took up my journal

and wrote furiously. Looking back at them, the entries of this and
the next few days were prophetic – they threw up a number of
issues, which later became extremely important for me.
I wake up at Hepburn Springs at 8 am. I slept for ten and a half hours.
I look out to the kookaburras, fog, and misty views – it is divine. I decide
to write the morning pages and out of this comes the question “What is
healing?” I write and I write and I write as if I’m covering all the areas
of a thesis. I feel excited and a voice tells me to not get so enthusiastic
and another voice tells me to yell, “This is it. This is your topic. This is
what this mess you have been in is all about.” And so I begin to map the
process. I am curious about brainwave patterns, how I map the process
artistically, physically and emotionally, what my intra-subjective response
may be? I am curious about what is healing for me, what does it look like
and feel like? What is my process? What is my biography? I am curious
about what is healing for others, what are their world views? What are
other cultures’ ideas on healing? And so a voice at this stage comes in and
says, “This is nothing new. This is nothing new. You will not discover
anything new”. “And so why bother?” I ask myself. Why I bother is
because this is about me. And if I don’t save myself I will not be of any
value for myself or for others. I remember a poem called The Journey
given to me about self-healing. It had left a strong impression on me:
healer heal thyself. And so I knew this was what I was meant to do.
Journal, 16 July 2005, at Hepburn Springs

46
 Chapter 2 Starting Out

The Journey
One day you finally knew It was already late
what you had to do, and began, enough, and a wild night,
though the voices around you and the road full of fallen
kept shouting branches and stones.
their bad advice – But little by little,
though the whole house as you left their voices behind,
began to tremble the stars began to burn
and you felt the old tug through the sheets of clouds,
at your ankles. and there was a new voice
“Mend my life!” which you slowly
each voice cried. recognized as your own,
But you didn’t stop. that kept you company
You knew what you had to do, as you strode deeper and deeper
though the wind pried into the world,
with its stiff fingers determined to do
at the very foundations, the only thing you could do-
though their melancholy determined to save
was terrible. the only life that you could save.

Mary Oliver
(1992, p.114)

47
 Chapter 3

The Descent
Woman’s Initiation

The descent is characterised as a journey to the underworld, the dark night of the soul, the belly of the whale, the meeting of the dark
goddess, or simply as depression. It is usually precipitated by a life-changing loss. Experiencing the death of one’s child, parent, or spouse
with whom one’s life and identity has been closely intertwined may mark the beginning of the journey to the underworld. Women often
make their descent when a particular role, such as daughterhood, motherhood, lover, or spouse, comes to an end. A life-threatening illness or
accident, the loss of self-confidence or livelihood, a geographical move, the inability to finish a degree, a confrontation with the grasp of an
addiction, or a broken heart can open the space for dismemberment and descent.

This journey to the underworld is filled with confusion and grief, alienation and disillusion, rage and despair. A woman may feel naked and
exposed, dry and brittle, or raw and turned inside-out. … Each time I had to face truths about myself and my world that I wished not to
see. And each time I was chastened and cleansed by the fires of transformation.

In the underworld there is no sense of time, time is endless and you cannot rush your stay. There is no morning, day, or night. It is densely
dark and unforgiving. This all-pervasive blackness is moist, cold and bone-chilling. There are no easy answers in the underworld; there is no
quick way out. Silence pervades when the wailing ceases. One is naked and walks on the bones of the dead.

To the outside world a woman who has begun her descent is preoccupied, sad and inaccessible. Her tears often have no name but
they are ever-present, whether she cries or not. She cannot be comforted; she feels abandoned. She forgets things, she chooses not
to see friends. She curls up in a ball on the couch or refuses to come out of her room. She digs in the earth or walks in the woods.
The mud and the trees become her companions. She enters a period of voluntary
isolation, seen by her family and friends as
a loss of her senses.

Maureen Murdock

(1990, pp. 87-88)

There is a Light

that Shines...

51
 Darkness
Chaos
of Dissolution
Trials
Suffering
Wandering
bservation it
u nd er ta king this self-o
w ye ar s of aces within
Over the last fe e lig ht into many dark pl
ve sh on e th nt pools
seems that I ha ging anger, stagna

Death
ou nd gr ie f, ra my
ered prof hurt. I observed
myself. I discov d u nr es ol ve d
lf-hatred an ned habits,
of bitterness, se nt ro l and my conditio
es s an d co . I blamed
lack of mindfuln e what I found

Depression
s. I di d no t lik
action traumas, felt
responses and re e ef fects of many
and shamed. I m ap pe d th the resulting
io ns and experienced

The Heart
re verb er at ss of
the subsequent ha u st ion, plus the lo
consequences of
fe ar an d ex d the losses.
st . I fe lt the pain. I crie
and tr u spair
confidence, hope cr ippling shame, de

Dream
I sa nk in to
anguish. projections,
I screamed my sc ov er ed a vast array of ard
and numbing guilt
. I di and needs. I he

Dark Night
ex pe ct at ions
ken and unmet nessed the
fantasies, unspo ys el f an d others. I wit
have to ld m oked eye
the lies that I fe ns ive ne ss and malice. I lo
of my de me in
effect on others ilu re . I t is re flected back to
sense of fa equacies and
to eye with my my perceived inad

Unknown
ay an d am pl ifi es ngled and
every possible w e th ro u gh a thousand enta
yelled at m rong and
limitations. It e no t go od en ough, you are w
. You ar
insidious voices
you have failed.

Vulnerable
path now lead? 2007
Where will the Tuesday 5 June

Groundlessness Stripped Naked

Destruction Dismembered

53
 Chapter 3

The Descent

Leaving the protective confines of familiar explanations

means risking death in the name of discovering life. The
entire journey, from this point on, is erratic. The journey is
I would like to describe to you what I saw and how I felt
during my wanderings in the corners of my psyche. As an
autoethnographer, I would like you to understand – to feel in your
never without uncertainty. Entering the unknown is driven
bones – what it was like for me. This is a challenge, as I am seeking
by a desire to connect more intensely with life.
to communicate a felt experience rather than a series of events.
Robert Grant, (1996, p.95)
It is a challenge, too, because my journey was a lonely one into dark
places – places of sadness and despair, travels in the darkness, alone
and wandering. I reviewed my life by facing ghosted recollections
of childhood, the grief and the memories of the death of my
husband, and the reverberations of these and other events on our
family. These are places that hold for me fear, even terror. When I
came to write up this chapter I found it a confronting experience;
each time I was about to take up my pen I felt I would be drawn
back into that vortex. Later in this chapter I will speak more of
this. In the end, I overcame it by using artwork. I used art to express
and, importantly, to contain my story and to help protect me from
re-traumatisation. In this chapter I have sought to deal with the
trauma by presenting extracts from my journal in the form of an
artistic worded representation. In chapter 5, I describe how I also
used the image of a wooden box to contain the trauma of revisiting
my past.

On my way I chose to traverse these landscapes as honestly and

consciously as I possibly could. I want to be able to describe this to
you accurately, but I do not want you to be weighed down by it all.
I would like you to understand that the grief has been pierced by
joy as well; in the darkness there has been much love and happiness.
This too I would like you to feel.

55
Remembering the Way

The Heart Dream seemed to express “my psychological journey towards wholeness,
which Jung calls individuation, and which he considers the task
of the second half of life” (Bolen, 1994, p. 35). I understand
Taking that journey to the dream world, to the land of that “dreams are portales, entrances, preparations and practices for
the soul and spirit power, brings us into connection with the next stage in consciousness, the ‘next day’ in the individuation
past and future, too. The twin world of dreams is not a process” (Estés, 1998, p. 63). Over time this dream revealed itself
linear world like the waking world is. It is expansive in all as foretelling the rites of passage and the initiatic life and death
directions. We revisit our personal past and also the great
experiences that are woven into my quest.
ancestral collective past. Our dreams can foretell our future
as well, bringing us messages of what the consequences will In this dream I see myself answering a call to descend to a
be of various courses of action.
subterranean room. In this room, where my heart lies open
Karen Masman (2009, pp. 47-48) and waiting for healing, are all my murdered aspects; murdered
by one thing or another. I spiral down into darkness – into my
In August 2007 I had a poignant but simple dream. Over time I
unconscious, into the underworld. I do this despite the guardian
came to call it the heart dream. At the time I did not altogether
of the threshold, who tells me I must not proceed. But I know I
know what it meant except, that it was like a guide calling me
must continue. This sentinel cannot be permitted to dominate my
forward. It appeared like a prophetic whisper from the unconscious
instinctual life. Faint-hearted though I am, I must find ways to
encouraging and informing me what my quest was really about.
bypass this guardian. If this negativity succeeds in stopping me,
It seemed so significant that I represented it in an artwork the
I am dead. This is life and death. I need to go alone. In order
following day. Over the years that followed, my reflections and my
to succeed, I must be prepared to overcome obstacles and look
study have enabled me to see more and more of its subtleties and
resistant authority figures in the face. To proceed, I need to use
messages. I see it as an important dream – a signature dream – and
whatever I intuit. If necessary, I will plumb the depths in order to
I would like to tell you of it. In the foldout page which follows, I
find renewed life.
have set out my record of the dream from my journal, the artwork
of the dream and my reflections upon it. I have also included The dream gave me advice and encouragement and assured me
quotations from some of the significant writings that have helped that, if I followed its wise counsel, I would return to a fuller life in
me to understand it, so that you might fully share my experience the upper world.
of it.

I have always been attentive to my dreams. “Listening and

recognising our dreams is a soul-making activity, readily available
to all of us, which enhances the movement forward in the
individuation process, both for the individual and mankind”
(O’Connor, 1988, p. 189). I believe that, like angels, dreams come
to visit with messages of guidance. They contain both conscious
knowledge and that which is yet to be known, but emerging. I came
to see the heart dream as a blueprint for the self-organising healing
principle; implicit in it is the potential for meaning and unity. It

56
 Chapter 3 The Descent Remembering the Way

Guardian of the Threshold These moments offer death to the outmoded ways of living; they
offer the possibility of freedom to the life force. When your creative
potential comes up against this edge, this barrier, which deflects it,
Crossing over [the threshold] means confronting the it may take a different form – in dreams, body signals, spontaneous
guardian at the gate, the personification of the forces trying movements, symptoms or even illness. The edge is the limit of our
to keep us in the village, the ordinary world. identity, the edge of the cliff of our being – the liminal threshold.
Phil Cousineau (1998, p. 83) What the Mindells call the edge, the Western mystic tradition calls
the guardian of the threshold (Leviton, 1995).
The only devils in the world are those running in our own
hearts. That is where the battle should be fought.
Mahatma Gandhi (reference unknown) The cot incident – original shame.
I recall reading that a characteristic of the heroine’s spiritual But let us pause for a moment. I would like to let you know

The Heart Dream

journey is that she encounters beings, usually hostile and often something of the background to all of this, how the guardian came
terrifying, which seek to prevent or dissuade her from continuing into being, and who he might be. One of my earliest memories, an
on (J. Campbell, 2008). Such a being may take the form of a event that I was frequently reminded of, was of an incident which
magician, trickster, demon or dragon. It may represent her must have occurred when I was very young and which has stayed
masculine shadow who harangues her in terms such as these: with me ever since.
“You’re not good enough. You’re stupid. You’re not beautiful. You
haven’t starved enough. Why don’t you give up?” (Woodman, et I was standing in my cot, as a baby – less than a year old. Apparently,
al., 1993, p. 19). Mine took the form of the critic who said all I was found smearing shit from my nappy on the bedroom wall. I was
chastised by my mother and thereafter throughout my life, reminded, in no
of these things, constantly reminding me of my inadequacies,
uncertain terms, of my misdemeanour. As a little girl, I vowed to never
my unworthiness and that, however much I try, I would never be
smear any type of shit anywhere again; especially not in public. I vowed
enough. My personalised critic, as I discovered, had many facets
then never to be a nuisance, to do whatever it takes to fit in, in order to be
and forms; masculine, feminine, internalised mother or the voice loved and accepted … at any cost. I then began to internalise my negative
of failure. Archetypically, it showed up as the guardian or edge mother. My guardian has always been there to ensure that I keep my vow.
figure, but whatever the form, there were two main functions; one
to suppress me, and the other to protect me. I present this experience as an event that occurred early in a
childhood that was lived in the shadow of emotional deprivation
This encounter is said to occur at an early stage in the process, the and in an environment of constant crisis and severe mental illness.
journey’s threshold. This is what what psychologists, Arnold and It is representative of a diminished childhood: my earliest creative
Amy Mindell call the edge. I must say that this was not entirely my act was condemned and my creative impulse thwarted. It was a
experience; my encounters occurred at every stage of my enquiry. small incident, but one that my mother frequently recalled in
According to the Mindells, the edge is the boundary between our circumstances which caused me shame and humiliation.
primary process of consciousness, what is close to our normal
awareness, and what is secondary, or unconscious, but trying to I have known of this cot incident all my life but, only now, do
come into awareness (Mindell & Mindell, 2002). Experiences of I realise its consequences. I have, too, memories of my mother’s
the edge may arise at a point of transition, at a moment of change. inability, or refusal, to acknowledge my efforts and especially my

57 60
Gretta Annie Annie will come back to life – The Return
Midwife, wisdom, guidance, the I love the name and feel a warmth for the person. I have faith and trust in the future – my future. I trust Gretta’s insight and her compassion. Annie’s heart – my own heart –
supportive ‘Yes, you can do it’ of She represents a wise, endearing person, quite vulnerable at and what is troubling it, will be cured by my own hands, by my love, presence, compassion and tenderness. “This is the gift
the journey. She represents the times, intelligent, kind, soft but strong. She does not suffer of life that comes after the long night of death, the healing with which the hero returns home” (Rebillot, 1989, p. 216).
Sacred Feminine, the creative fools, does not give up and is a pioneer and advocate for
principal guiding me towards the disabled, marginalized and voiceless. Annie is someone If the hero asks, as Parsifal did, “What is troubling you?” he can, perhaps, experience the feeling that comes with
discovering my true talents or I would not hesitate to help. She is an aspect of me. the awakening of compassion. And compassion towards others begins with the loving acceptance of the maligned
assets and the devotion towards Gretta said Annie needs you (she had heart trouble, and I knew or wounded inner self (Rebillot, 1989, p. 223).
universal Truth. I could “save” her; CPR and Presence?). I cannot locate myself in time. My heart, my life and my feminine nature need healing and, to heal them, I must
Gretta said Annie needs you Instinctively I went down, down, down, many spiral staircases – hold my own heart with compassion. I am not dead yet. I will retrieve my own soul

I do not really remember Was I to force myself through? Who do I think I am to save a life?
I understand that inherent in every wound is sort of corporate, plush – many business people around, but none at all!
the rules of CPR, but Do I do as I am told?
a call. It requires a pledging of oneself to spirit,

Annie has heart trouble

No one else on the stairs. I reached the foyer of a dungeon way down
My threshold guardian and Critic reminds me
I can use my intuition
no matter where it leads.
and went to a counter. Many people milled around, mostly couples. Am I still the little girl who, of my worthlessness and enlivens my self-
The heart is the life force, the psyche. Not only is Annie’s/my heart in trouble, but also she has I can tap into instinctive remembering her cot experience, will doubt. And yet, Gretta’s call to save Annie is
Annie lies there, naked, with all the contents of her life exposed, feminine wisdom; not the never be a nuisance; do whatever it
hidden herself, in shame, behind a barricade and cannot be seen. The wound – directed to me. It is me who is being asked
and on a bed of fire. She needs my hands on her heart. prescribed and approved ideas takes to fit in, in order to be loved to carry out this mission. The person believes
Is to both the self and to the ego, the sense of self and both must be addressed in treatment. of the past – procedures and and accepted? Does the adaptive
The woman behind the desk stopped me and said, “You have no right that I can do it. The voice of my shadow
The wound to the ego means the sense of self is susceptible to unbearably low esteem and to rules that may no longer work. good girl submit to the command or speaks differently. It represents the destructive
omnipotence that can mask not only helplessness but also humiliation (Sexson, 1995, p. 187). here. You know nothing. You cannot come in until at least tonight, until There is nothing to guide me does she use all her wit and wisdom, bondage of my internalised negative mother
It is necessary for this isolated and vulnerable person to reintegrate the fragmented parts of the self we know more”. A woman next to me said that you have to tell her you except love. I can use all her inner sight and inner knowing complex – you are never good enough. This is
in the process of individuation. I notice that, in my picture, I am standing at the top of the spiral with can save her. Was I to force myself through, or do what I was told? my intuition. to save her own life? my most formidable foe.
You cannot come in, until at least
A woman next to me said
a glow behind and above me. This shows a connection in me with something greater – a transformative
tonight, until we know more’
I remember thinking, “Who do I think I am to be able to save the life?”
that you have to tell her
strength. It appears as if I have knowledge of healing work and a relationship with the divine. I know
I can save Annie. Dying, however, is a necessary component of true transformation. I seem to be I do not really remember the rules of CPR, but I can use my intuition;
you can save her
grappling with the mystery of awakening. “The resolution of this mystery will finally be answered there is nothing to guide me except love. But, the voice of authority, professional status and power does not slam the
in the heart. It is here that the opposites that can be held, understood, reconciled. Only the heart can door in my face. She says, too, that this soul retrieval work is night-time work
The words of the my encouraging
Gretta tells me, in no uncertain terms, that Annie will – work to be undertaken in the moonshine, using the feminine principles. The

I cannot locate myself in time

contain both our perfection and our humanity” (Kornfield, 2000, p. 122). angel, spoken with wisdom and
come back to life and be returned for the next cycle. soul belongs to the night, to the world of dreams. She also tells me to wait
confidence. “I am beside you; I am
until the time is right – until more is known of Annie’s condition – of what
not removed from you”. It is hard
Dream 12 August 2007 ails her. The pain, which Annie is suffering, is part of the healing process. We
This refers to the non-chronological timeless nature of the journey. for me to think clearly for myself.

Response to the call

must be present with it, accept it and let it take its course. I know that I must

this picture
I am caught in my old complex of

The following day I made

allow Annie to be, and that, in the silent presence of the patient healer, it is
personal inadequacy, like “being
affirmation, reflection, tenderness, touch, warmth, beauty and holding that

represented my
to represent my dream. It
Instinctively, I go down, down. I know intuitively that I must attend to Annie’s/my crisis. Without inside a black bag. It is dark and you
will bring her back to life. Healing requires courage, support and grace.
hesitation, I reorganise my priorities; I am about to take the heroine’s journey. I will descend and can not see what has hold of
The woman behind the desk
ages that
spontaneous feelings and im
de-construct my life in order to re-construct it on another level. As I move down through primal you…” (Estés, 1998, p. 308).

unconscious,
levels I shed my identifications and defences. Like Inanna I am being stripped naked. I connect

had been released from the

My threshold guardian, my Critic, with a voice of authority, tells me to stop here. “You have no authority or right
levels of consciousness with each other; spirit into matter. I act instinctively. Instinct is our bland of admission”. In facing this tyrant I am at the darkest point, at the entry to the innermost cave. The guardian will

as was the dream.

name for a remarkable act of spontaneous courage (Stein, 1998, p. 21). My self disappears; I feel throw up all types of obstacles, threats and difficulties to make me turn back and test my commitment to the quest,
I must go to help this person in need. yet I know from my Buddhist studies that these interruptions are, not so much obstacles, as a call to wake up. This

The staircase –
woman represents my inner assassin of the psyche, my greatest destroyer and innate psychic predator, belittling and
downgrading me – telling me I am not up to the task. I must wait. My worth, intention, inner beauty, skill and
sincerity are all at risk here.
I descend into the depths – into the unconscious.
Went to a desk
I was this desk as a counter in the foyer. This is an imposed barrier creating an emotional
The staircase symbolises the link between the realm of consciousness and the unconscious. It forms a representation non-relational distance between me and the woman who represents the threshold guardian,.
of the transcendent function which is the movement from the singular I to a combination of I and you. It is the It was also a container for the guardian which restrained him and protected me from him.
movement in which my healthy self will restore life to my damaged self. According to Murray Stein, this in-between
I understand that transition periods require a form of dying; dying to the old

Bed of Fire
zone is a time in which we are neither one nor the other – a moment of liminality (1998, p. 7). Another image which
inauthentic ways and connecting with new wisdom and life forces. “Every transition
resonates with me is that of standing on the edge of a vortex. Jean Bolen describes it this way:
from one phase of life to another is a kind of death” (Henderson, 1967, p. 206).
It’s like standing in a doorway, or even in a long dark tunnel, between two phases of our life. … Here the invisible
Has Annie entered the hellish realms of death? Or is she/am I undergoing the
spiritual world and the visible reality come together; here intuitive possibility is on the threshold of tangible Annie is on a bed of fire, with the possibility of alchemical process of burning away, drying out, in order to purify herself/myself –
manifestation (1994, p. 8). dying. The Persian poet Rumi acknowledges the act until only the essential truth remains? “We can only endure, barely conscious, barely
The staircase enables the spirit to descend from above and the soul to ascend from the depths, rising up on its search of necessary burning in the ardent fires of life; surviving the pain and powerlessness, suspended out of life, stuck, until and if, some act
for wholeness and unity. In God’s presence is there in front of us, of grace with some new wisdom arrives“ (Perera, 1981, p. 36). She has shed her skins,

The staircase is a spiral staircase

a fire on the left her clothing, as the ego needs to be stripped and empowered simultaneously. She needs
a lovely stream on the right… love, support and increased understanding. She must persist and stay in the intensity
Whoever walks into the fire of the fire and be allowed to burn for the transformative process to proceed. The fire
The spiral staircase represents a process that is cyclical; not straightforward or linear. I remember the words of Jack Kornfield: appears suddenly cool in the stream, exposes to the light of consciousness that which is concealed or unconscious. There
In the beginning we may erroneously imagine spiritual practice to be a linear journey, travelling over a certain landscape to a faraway Any head that goes under the water surface, must be a death of this old self and a death of my victimhood to past experiences.
destination of enlightenment. But it is better described as a widening circle or spiral that opens our hearts and gradually infuses our that head pokes out of the fire. I think of the trial by fire for mystics, with their devoted longing for union with
consciousness to include all of life as a spiritual whole full” (1993, p. 172). Most people guard against going into the fire. their god, is the first of a three-stage process from purgation to illumination and
And end up in it… then to unification with the divine. It can be likened to Christ’s time in the
The stages of the descent are not simple or progressive. Whether in the monasteries of Burma or Tibet or in the accounts of
If you are a friend of God, wilderness in preparation for his ministry. In alchemy, the process is known as
Christian, Jewish and Sufi mystics, we almost never see anyone whose path is simply linear. The spiral also signifies the coils of a
Fire is your water. calcinatio – part of the first phase leading to nigredo. In this process the base
serpent. Joseph Henderson speaks about the wisdom of the serpent being, among other things, the connection with unconscious
You should wish to have a hundred thousand

The foyer of a dungeon – a cellar

powers (Henderson, 1967, p. 34). materials, or the complexes, opposites and shadow elements, are heated intensively,
Sets of moth wings, then separated out, or at least recognised, and then washed or purified as a prelude
The spiral staircase represents, too, the circular nature of my work – like a three-dimensional spiral “where it is possible to move So you can burn them away, to integration, leaving the purified black matter, the nigredo. The fire acts on the
forward while frequently circling back” (Pearson, 1989, p. 13). However much I wish the unfolding to be neat, systematic and one set a night. nigredo – the soul’s darkness, to cleanse and purge it of its lesser desires. Something
predictable, it is more like a labyrinth, a circle, a dance back and forth around the still point that is the centre of all things. The cycles The image here is doubly significant. First there is the dungeon Rumi, cited in (Kornfield, 2000, p. 67). base, ordinary, shadowy and dark is to be transmuted into something gold-like,
repeat themselves but always they are changed – ups and downs, openings and closings, awakenings to love and freedom, often or cellar which is a symbol of a cave and is a place of pain and death; exquisite and of value. A characteristic of an inner pilgrimage, in Jungian terms,
followed by new and subtle entanglements. In the course of this great spiral we return to where we started again and again, but each second is the foyer, the point of entry where the guardian lurks. is this burning or purging of the psyche in the nigredo phase, a moment of absolute despair, as a prerequisite to personal development. There are,
time with a fuller and more open heart. Clarissa Pinkola Estés says that, in myth, caves are “ancient initiatory as I was to discover, dangers inherent in this work as the poisons that are present in the base matter are released. …when a person begins in
There are seasons in the spiritual life… . But there is a problem with the linear projection of inner life where we move from one environs; places to or through which a woman descends to the therapy to recognise their shadow aspects, to start to withdraw some of their dark side of their personality, there is often a depressive reaction;
plateau to the next, from one state of existence to another. Life is just not like this. It is more circular. There are times when, murdered one(s), breaks taboos to find the truth, and, through wit that is, the ’imprudent demon’ causes a sickness of the spirit or psyche. A simple explanation of this is, as we have already seen, the withdrawal
as it were, we have to start all over again, where we have been converted again and to re-learn the lessons and disciplines that and/or travail, triumphs by banishing, transforming, or exterminating of projections, are bringing back from the outside world parts of ourselves disowned onto other people. This process can often leave people with
we neglected in our spiritual formation” (Ringma, 1992). the assassin of the psyche” (1998, p. 54). a painful and at times depressing feeling that whatever is wrong with the world or others is actually wrong in themselves
(O’Connor, 1988, p. 117).

Annie is naked with all the contents of her life exposed

For me, the year of this thesis also represents the completion of the seven-year cycle of my initiation; the two years of my Masters degree She continues in terms that I found compelling:
and then the five years of my Doctoral undertaking, all culminating around my fifty-sixth birthday – the completion of another seven
If a woman does not look into these issues of her own deadness and
year cycle: seven solar years equal one spiritual year. It began at my forty-ninth birthday when commenced the life of my grandson, Luca,
murder, she remains obedient to the dictates of the predator. Once
which became the foundation of my Masters thesis. Perhaps too, the number seven represents my seven-year menopausal I/She lies exposed, defenceless and vulnerable; awaiting a chance for healing and rebirth. I go down the staircase and confront this aspect of myself
she opens the room in the psyche that shows how dead, how slaughtered
eldership transition period into crone, or medial woman. directly face to face. Robert Johnson tells us that the work of honouring and accepting one’s shadow is whole-making and requires an intense spiritual

No one else on the stairs

she is, she sees how various parts of her feminine nature and her
instinctual psyche have been killed off and died a lowly death behind discipline. He states categorically that it is “holy and the most important work of a lifetime” (1993, p. x).

Corporate, plush
a facade of wealth. Now that she sees this, now that she registers how All of Annie’s vulnerabilities and traumas are uncovered. Clarissa Estés says of the Wild Woman that her “abilities and traits that were not welcomed, were
The task is a solitary one. I must descend alone. I think of the words of the poet, captured she is and how much her psychic life is at stake, now she can not developed. She was made to feel ashamed of any parts that were unbecoming, and, consequently, these aspects were repressed – or cut off ”. Maybe
I am leaving the known comforts of assert herself in an even more powerful manner. (1998, p. 55).
Rainer Maria Rilke. Annie, too, has a disowned level of competence that consciously eludes me – the capacity to have confidence in my own decisions and in my ability to give
the material world. The masks and
The necessary thing is after all but this; solitude, great inner solitude. Going into oneself It is at this stage that the heroine goes past the point of no return effect to them, and, at the same time, being ready to surrender to a higher voice of wisdom and to fulfil my deep-seated concern to be of service to others.
trappings of material success are no
for hours meeting no one - this one must be able to attain (Rilke, 1903). – into the adventure that waits beyond the foyer – the threshold.
longer on my path. This image evokes for me the descent of Inanna, the Sumerian goddess of heaven and earth, who, as she went into the underworld, was removed of all
No one can make this journey for me. It is solitude that I most need; time to meditate, It generally appears as a gate, a cave mouth, the entrance to a forest her clothing and jewellery. She is stripped of all her powers, of her ideas of who she is, and of her sense of security in the world. In the end there is only
to listen, and to reflect. Time to go to the inner sanctuary unarmoured and receptive. It is – the passageway to another world. when the hero arrives, hope, and that too disappears (Duff, 1993, p. 98). Psyche, too, when faced with her seemingly impossible tasks, wept with despair. This is the place

Many people milled

as if, in that quiet deep pool, whatever needs to arise can come to the surface unobstructed. he encounters a dragon, a castle guard, a three headed dog, some where we wait without hope, without knowing that we will ever return to the upper world.

around, mostly couples

Jean Shinoda Bolen counsels that solitude is an essential ingredient of preparation for threshold Guardian that refuses admittance. This Guardian is the I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope This poem has particular significance to me; it was a source of comfort and
a pilgrimage (1994, p. 262). She goes on to say that “often an initiation involves an element second level of resistance, representing all the self-sabotaging forces For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
 consolation after my husband’s death.
They seemed to be a little distant of isolation, of facing fear or undergoing an ordeal. But perhaps, just as often, the initiatory within the personality (Rebillot, 1989, p. 216). For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
 The dream here is telling me that I must first go to a place of utter
from me. Their presence emphasised experience comes as a gift of grace, when mystery and profound beauty come together in a Here a confrontation will take place, until a resolution is reached But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
 hopelessness, there to wait for hope to arrive.
my aloneness. numinous moment of which we are a part” (1994, p. 51). and the heroine can proceed into the inner world. TS Eliot, Four Quartets (1969, p. 180).
 Chapter 3 The Descent Remembering the Way

Guardian of the Threshold These moments offer death to the outmoded ways of living; they
offer the possibility of freedom to the life force. When your creative
potential comes up against this edge, this barrier, which deflects it,
Crossing over [the threshold] means confronting the it may take a different form – in dreams, body signals, spontaneous
guardian at the gate, the personification of the forces trying movements, symptoms or even illness. The edge is the limit of our
to keep us in the village, the ordinary world. identity, the edge of the cliff of our being – the liminal threshold.
Phil Cousineau (1998, p. 83) What the Mindells call the edge, the Western mystic tradition calls
the guardian of the threshold (Leviton, 1995).
The only devils in the world are those running in our own
hearts. That is where the battle should be fought.
Mahatma Gandhi (reference unknown) The cot incident – original shame.
I recall reading that a characteristic of the heroine’s spiritual But let us pause for a moment. I would like to let you know

The Heart Dream

journey is that she encounters beings, usually hostile and often something of the background to all of this, how the guardian came
terrifying, which seek to prevent or dissuade her from continuing into being, and who he might be. One of my earliest memories, an
on (J. Campbell, 2008). Such a being may take the form of a event that I was frequently reminded of, was of an incident which
magician, trickster, demon or dragon. It may represent her must have occurred when I was very young and which has stayed
masculine shadow who harangues her in terms such as these: with me ever since.
“You’re not good enough. You’re stupid. You’re not beautiful. You
haven’t starved enough. Why don’t you give up?” (Woodman, et I was standing in my cot, as a baby – less than a year old. Apparently,
al., 1993, p. 19). Mine took the form of the critic who said all I was found smearing shit from my nappy on the bedroom wall. I was
chastised by my mother and thereafter throughout my life, reminded, in no
of these things, constantly reminding me of my inadequacies,
uncertain terms, of my misdemeanour. As a little girl, I vowed to never
my unworthiness and that, however much I try, I would never be
smear any type of shit anywhere again; especially not in public. I vowed
enough. My personalised critic, as I discovered, had many facets
then never to be a nuisance, to do whatever it takes to fit in, in order to be
and forms; masculine, feminine, internalised mother or the voice loved and accepted … at any cost. I then began to internalise my negative
of failure. Archetypically, it showed up as the guardian or edge mother. My guardian has always been there to ensure that I keep my vow.
figure, but whatever the form, there were two main functions; one
to suppress me, and the other to protect me. I present this experience as an event that occurred early in a
childhood that was lived in the shadow of emotional deprivation
This encounter is said to occur at an early stage in the process, the and in an environment of constant crisis and severe mental illness.
journey’s threshold. This is what what psychologists, Arnold and It is representative of a diminished childhood: my earliest creative
Amy Mindell call the edge. I must say that this was not entirely my act was condemned and my creative impulse thwarted. It was a
experience; my encounters occurred at every stage of my enquiry. small incident, but one that my mother frequently recalled in
According to the Mindells, the edge is the boundary between our circumstances which caused me shame and humiliation.
primary process of consciousness, what is close to our normal
awareness, and what is secondary, or unconscious, but trying to I have known of this cot incident all my life but, only now, do
come into awareness (Mindell & Mindell, 2002). Experiences of I realise its consequences. I have, too, memories of my mother’s
the edge may arise at a point of transition, at a moment of change. inability, or refusal, to acknowledge my efforts and especially my

57 60
 Chapter 3 The Descent

successes, and of her denial of the value of my achievements. I have not want to reinforce the devastating cycle of guilt and blame. I
memories of attempting, as a young girl, to shoulder burdens that am familiar with this identification but seek now to explore what
my parents were unable to manage, and of my feelings of frustration gifts lay in these events. Ultimately, I want to move away from
when I was unable to help them or where my efforts were rejected. the wounding and towards life – to include this as part of the
I still feel this sense of powerlessness – of being overwhelmed, as I tapestry of events, good and bad, that constitute my life. I speak
take on responsibility for things that, in truth, seem to be beyond of my childhood now in order to make the emerging themes of my
my capacity or things which are not my responsibility at all. work transparent. To tell it is an important step along the path of
healing, of defusing the shame that I feel. It helps me towards the
As I prepare a new garden, up from the depths memories flooded back,
forming of a new story and a new sense of self, and, in the fullness
quite unbidden. A little girl, a very large farm, sick father, sick mother. No
of time, towards the transformation I seek.
help. Sheep, cattle, shearers, chores. A farm to be farmed and a large and
stony one at that. Acres and acres, thousands and thousands of sheep and Like Catherine Camden Pratt, “I never was a child” (Camden-Pratt,
no help. A little girl trying to help her Dad, to save the animals, to save 2006, p. 67). I grew up too fast; over-responsibly undertaking to
the farm. My poor desperate Dad. My poor tortured mother. Desperate,
save my damaged family and becoming caretaker of all. I never
unwell and struggling. How can I turn one sod of soil when millions
learned how to play; I learned only to watch out, to care and to
more need turning?
respond. I learnt from birth a hypervigilance that has ever since
Journal, 17 September 2006, at Warrandyte meant that I am alert to, even expecting, an event that will require
The story Catherine Camden Pratt tells in her doctoral thesis, me to respond, a disaster for which I must accept responsibility, a
Daughters of Persephone (2002), reflects much of my untold story. She problem that I alone must resolve. This has overtaxed my nervous
spoke of what it was like to live with a mother who was considered system. After all these years I was seeking repair.
by many to be “mad”. Indeed my mother was not mad; she was a Donald Kalsched describes the traumatised child as making a pact
woman who read life differently, some would say she was tortured with the devil (2003, p. 153). A contract is made so that the child’s
by mental illness. This is not the primary subject matter of this life can go on. The contract goes something like this, he says, “You
thesis, but the impact of her illness on me underlies my story can go on living, but you owe the baby – the true self – your life’s
and deserves, at the very least, to be acknowledged. “The lived potentials, to me. I will hold your innocence for you, but the price
experience for those of us who are mothered by ‘mad’ mothers you pay is that your true potential will be anaesthetized, frozen,
is necessarily difficult” (Camden-Pratt, 2006, p. 10), and I, like suspended in a kind of permanent trance” (as cited in Schwartz-
Catherine Camden Pratt, was “also searching for understanding Salant & Stein, 1990, p. 156). My desire is to release the energy
of myself(s) as the daughter of a woman diagnosed ‘insane’ and which is trapped in the events of my childhood. By telling you of
deemed ‘mad’” (Camden-Pratt, 2006, p. 10). the cot incident, I now hope to dismantle my disgrace and break
It is not about blame; though I have done my share of that, but its power over me. “It is often the act of witnessing itself that can
I found, eventually, that I had little need to blame anyone for translate fact into experience and history into story” (Learmonth,
adversity. It would be easy to slip into the concepts of attachment 1994, p. 19). I have worked with the cot incident in a multitude
theory, unmothered children or the arrested psychic development of ways but I now approach it afresh. I wish to connect with
of children born into a home of mental illness, but I do not wish the dormant potential bound in that incident, and in all that is
to make more of this at the moment than is necessary, and I do connected to it. I hope to pay the devil’s ransom and release my
potential from the trance.

61
Remembering the Way

In a way, the cot incident epitomises part of my wound – both Five decades after the cot incident, I find myself on a personal
the separation from my mother (archetypal wound), and the quest that coincides with a research enquiry, in which all my shit, all
humiliation by her (personal wound). It was as if, by identifying my pain and vulnerabilities, are to be exposed. Is there any wonder
with the aggressor of the intergenerational wounding, my I face such resistance to this task, which might expose my darkest
innocence was lost. I felt on a subtle level I must punish myself thoughts? The vow that I made so long ago to prevent me from
for being unable to stop my parents from suffering. If I suffered doing things which might cause me to be shamed or annihilated
enough, perhaps their pain (and indeed that of the world) would has become a curse which could stand in the way of my flourishing
be banished. I absorbed their anguish in order to try to save them. and moving towards the optimal realisation of truth.
The heroine’s task is to break from her unconscious father
Anger pours out of my pen and I yell and scream my distress. My pain complex and make her intellect and her spirit her own
is from the memories of watching my mother suffering so greatly from (sunlight), to break from her unconscious mother complex
mental illness. Why? Why did she have to experience inner torment all and make her body and her soul her own (moonlight), and
her life? I’m just so angry. I pray for these horrible monsters to go out ultimately to experience herself as part of a greater reality
of my body. They infect my mind. But I don’t want a band-aid, “cafe” (starlight). (Woodman, et al., 1993, p. 27)
type of remedy. I want the real thing; connection with that which is deep,
With the voice of my mother ringing in my ears, I now pluck up
lasting and abiding.
the courage to tell you of my own journey which I have undertaken
Journal, 28 July 2006 6.30 am, at Warrandyte over the past six years. This is the means by which I move from
As a child, I could not withdraw from life, so parts of me had to my father’s house – a world which privileges mind, intellect and
be withdrawn and cut off. My lesson was forever to silence myself, reason over the more feminine orientation of collaboration and
reinforced repeatedly by the shame and stigma of madness existing intuitive possibilities. I will find my own openhearted wisdom of
in the family life. I escaped by walking the earth with and among intellect and spirit and speak up with my own deeply felt intuitive
my beloved animals. I found solace in quiet walking. voice of body and soul. By completing this thesis, I hope to bring
together some of the opposites and sever the destructive power of
I return to the cot incident in which, as a tiny child, I made a vow. the conflicts which they produce. In this way, I trust I will dislodge
The dual aspect of my guardian, the keeper of this vow, has been the old structures and renegotiate the vow that has at times become
as benevolent protector and as punitive rejecter. I have become a curse.
intimately familiar with the resistance and tension this dual function
produces within me, as a person who has, from her days in the
sandpit, wanted to help others, to be free and to make a difference. The Psyche myth.
This Hydra-headed guardian, whom I have sometimes called the
critic, has ever since fought to save me, to protect me at all costs One of the archetypal stories, which has come back to me again
from breaking the vow, and from exposing myself to criticism. And and again throughout my enquiry and the writing of the thesis, has
his favourite technique is to remind me of my inadequacies, of been the myth of Psyche. It is a variation, like so many myths, on
my lack of education, of my sense of unworthiness, so that I am the heroine’s journey. I found Psyche travelling with me (or was
discouraged from attempting to fulfil my potential. Up to now, I I travelling with her?) even into my innermost dreams. She went
have lived a life over-identified with this sense of personal doubt. through “the Dark Night of the Soul, alone, pregnant, loveless
and often suicidal. Still she goes about the tasks without Eros,

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 Chapter 3 The Descent

and thus without hope or energy”(Houston, 1987, p. 161). It was is not a woman’s way. “In general, female responses to stress are to
through the journey of suffering and love that she came to know ‘tend and befriend’, whereas male responses are to ‘fight or flight’”
her own power and was able to be in both worlds, the everyday and (Hartman & Zimberoff, 2009, p. 42).
the archetypal.
Different heroines have different strategies. Maureen Murdock
Aphrodite/Venus, her mother-in-law-to-be, gave Psyche four tells us that she usually suggests to her women clients that they
impossible tasks to prove she was a worthy bride for her son, Eros. send their inner critics on an extended holiday to Hawaii (1990, p.
These were: to sort a large quantity of seeds; to retrieve some wool 55). Rachael Feather, my therapeutic guide, advised that I send my
from a flock of fierce golden rams; to fill a flask with water from “negative mother/witch” into exile (personal communication, 22
the river Styx; and to go down to the underworld and bring back a August 2010). Jack Kornfield speaks of the Buddhist way:
box of the beauty ointment belonging to Persephone/Proserpina. ... when demons and hungry ghosts appear, there is a ritual
Through some ingenuity, and with some assistance, she was able to practice of feeding them. In this practice we transformed
perform the tasks and achieve her reward, reunion with her lover. I the worst, most rabid, most fearful energies by deliberately
visualizing what we can do for them. We picture giving them
identified with Psyche as I faced my own tasks but, if nothing else,
whatever they want and need, even our own body, until they
this myth reminded me that help is ever present if you are ready are fully satisfied. (Kornfield, 2008, p. 287)
and able to accept it.
One technique that I employed in coming to terms with the
guardian was to see him as a barking dog that I met on a country
Psyche’s second task – confronting the lane. When I met a dog on my walks I would never be sure whether
its barking was a threat or a warning of dangers ahead. I would
rams. greet it in a friendly way, concealing my terror as best I could, and
I speak now of the second task, when I found myself dismayed by then sidle past, offering it a bribe or a distraction if necessary.
how strongly and aggressively the threshold guardian, the critic, Barbara Sullivan describes the technique this way:
confronted me. The showdown with the shadow side of my life, In direct contrast to the heroic masculine approach, the
though inevitable, was once again testing all my strength and feminine principle values the non-competitive creation of
my creative ingenuity. I wanted to oppose his resistance and the things that are appreciated for their own essence regardless
of their comparative qualities. The emphasis is on caring
protective shield he raises against my work; at the same time, I was so
for people and for life in all the myriad forms of its
daunted by him that I wanted to turn back. The temptation to avoid manifestation, each more interesting than all the others.
the conflict and to withdraw from the quest was overwhelming. But One holds each form for its own sake. Rather than seeking
the challenge for me was to summon up my courage and strength to conquer nature or the world, a feminine approach values
and to find skilful ways to face him; not to flee from him or to being in nature and the world, experiencing and savouring
fight him. If I could hold out long enough, the reconciliation of one’s independent enmeshment in the great web of life that
encircles the earth. (Sullivan, 1990, p. 19)
these and other opposing tensions within me might allow a new
psychic energy to emerge. Peter O’Connor considers this to be,
Psyche, too, approached her task creatively. Instead of confronting
in the final analysis, what Jungian psychology is most concerned
the fierce rams, she crept into the field and, when they were not
with (1988, p. 89). Although I must face my demon, I should not
looking and gathered some wisps of wool from briars that the
seek to overcome him, to dominate him or to destroy him. That
rams had brushed against as they passed.

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Remembering the Way

Faced by the critic, I walked the earth, as I did as a child, thinking withdraw to the solitude of retreat and silent meditation to build
how I might outwit him. Many solutions came to me as I wandered and restore my strength. I soon found that the demands of my
through the parks where I was living. I practised meditation and enquiry would come into conflict with those of my professional,
I danced. After some years of bafflement, I tried this strategy: domestic and social commitments. When Psyche was undertaking
when he came forward I would meet him at the door like Rumi’s her fourth task she was warned to curb her availability to others.
innkeeper, laughing, and inviting him in. I learned in various ways Like her, I needed to learn the creative “no”, and to conserve energy,
how to befriend him and to work with his energy – and also to both psychic and physical, for the critical task. Jean Houston tells
outwit him. I would pay his fee and then move around him, leaving us that, at this stage, “What may appear to be generosity is often
him behind as he counted the coins. distractibility and a refusal to stay focused” (1987, p. 166). She
advises the traveller to eat simple basic foods, not to interfere in
All I can do, once again, is to surrender and wait with as much
the lives of others and not to go the rescue of others. I feared that
equanimity as possible.
if I gave priority to these needs, I would be judged as selfish. If I
Now I’m piecing together clues, dreams and signs; as if they are crumbs
on the path leading me home. I will need to find a way to creatively outwit disclosed my past experiences, I would be shamed. But this was the
this warden; “the high dragons only truly appreciate you if you can fool price I must pay.
them and creatively find your way through” (Houston, 1987, p. 164).
In my dreamworld, I found myself once again facing the descent:
Just as help arrived for Psyche in the form of ants, the reeds and now
the eagle with its higher vision. Psyche engaged her animus in the labours I find myself going down the hill; it is vertical – I am out of control,
without being overcome by the task, and now I decide to create a three but I do not feel out of control. It is a terrifyingly huge drop. I am calm,
dimensional representation of the journey. cannot locate the brakes and I know at the bottom there is only one car
This guardian, once engaged and released, will release me. space where I can come safely to a stop.
Journal, 15 October 2010, at home I am now stopped and realize I need the ferry to cross the river. The
man tells me it is broken. The last car in front of me is on it – the ferry
Eventually, I outwitted him by using artwork – the worded disappears. They will tell me of some other method (like lifts, or conveyors
representations in this chapter and the image of a wooden box in or something not named) but they are nowhere to be found. I am there
chapter 5. It allowed me to take the wool from the brambles and wondering where and how to proceed, having landed at the base of the
not be destroyed by a confrontation with the dangerous rams. In huge drop.
this way I could accomplish my task without further damage. Dream, 14 September 2008

This is the vertical drop into the underworld. I knew I must try to
Charon’s price – paying the toll. conserve my energy and remain focused, otherwise the ferryman
would not let me the cross the river. There were other ways to
When a woman is on her way to face the goddess of the cross but I did not know what they were. It was now crucial that
underworld she must save all her resources and not be
I be focused and strong enough to complete my journey. I paid
concerned with lesser tasks.
Charon’s toll and was admitted.
Robert Johnson (1989, p. 66)

I learned that I needed to be sparing with my resources and to care

for my health in order to be able to retrieve my casket. I had to

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 Chapter 3 The Descent

Dark nights – Loss of the Known The quest meant that I was looking at all of my perceived
inadequacies and shadows. “Soon the hero encounters the supreme
Self ordeal, a monumental struggle with his basic fear” (Rebillot, 1989,
p. 216). I had to ask myself, could I face this monster, eye to eye,
so that I would be allowed to move on? Perhaps by finding the
In this long journey, it is humble perseverance that matters. courage to stay with these tensions, and by staying in the fire itself,
St John says, “The love of the heart is the candle flame that transformation could take place, and a new relationship with life
carries us through the road of darkness”. might be formed?
Jean Houston (1987, p. 166)
Again, I sought relief in art making, but something still held
Prolonged periods of dark nights descended upon me – nights of me back.
unknowing (G. G. May, 2004, p. 26). Some seemed to be dark There is an odd phenomenon in the psyche: When a
nights of the ego, and others, of the self. At times I felt I was woman is afflicted with a negative animus, any effort at a
being dismembered, and that all help had abandoned me. Interest creative act touches it off so that it attacks her. … Not
in divine or other realities was of no value; nothing seemed to surprisingly, when a woman’s animus is taken up with
psychic manufacturing of a negative sort, a woman’s output
be of any use. Even things that I was beginning to understand,
dwindles as her confidence and creative muscle wane.
and in which I was finding clarity, were breaking up. Robert Grant Women in this predicament tell me they “cannot see a way
documents these experiences. “Periods of prolonged fatigue, out” of their so-called writer’s block, or for that matter the
depression and restlessness occur. … Most doubt they are on the cause of it. Their animus is sucking all the energy out of the
right track. ... They are unable to deal with what is silently being river, and they feel “extremely tired” and suffer “tremendous
asked for“ (1996, p. 215). This is the dark night of the self, where loss of energy,” can’t seem to “get going,” feel “held back by
something”. (Estés, 1998, pp. 315-316)
the ego’s relationship with the self is being repaired. Like Annie, in
the heart dream, I found myself stripped and naked, lost in a world
of contradictions that I could barely fathom.
Keep going!
At times I could scarcely hold the tension anymore. I was caught in
an ebbing tide, which was drawing me into a dark pool where fierce But I kept going. I do not easily give up. I knew I needed to attend
creatures were lying in wait for me. I thought I couldn’t go on, and to what ever might arise, and to stay with that. I learnt, not always
yet I couldn’t let go. I knew that, like a shaman, I must complete gracefully mind you, to be curious about all that presented itself
this journey. to me, ”not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is
If a process is incomplete, the effects stay underground and bitter or sweet” (Chödrön, 1991, p. 3). I might fail, feel stupid,
leak to the surface, and we can become depressed, fearful or mess things up but I would pick myself up and start again. I
or angry for a very long time, until we go back down to would rest along the way but I would simply keep going. I knew
the deepest level and bring it to resolution. To bring things that, if I were to undertake a genuine spiritual path, I could not
to resolution we must go right into them. We must be able
avoid the difficulties. But I wanted “to learn the art of making
to look them straight in the eye and say, “yes, I can open
to this too,” meeting them with an open heart that neither mistakes wakefully, to bring them to the transformative power of
grasps nor resist them. (Kornfield, 1993, p. 151) our heart” (Kornfield, 1993, p. 71). I hoped my heart would feel

65
Remembering the Way

it and eventually go through it, knowing that the fear would pass, of history and mothers to a new world” (1993, p. 118). I hoped
and rise again, and pass… . I could no longer afford to have my that by working these issues it would mean that my children would
life polluted in a toxic way. And to give up meant that my inner not have to carry inter-generational trauma into the future. I knew
critic would gain even more power to sabotage me ceaselessly. In that, in time, facing the wounds would also require me to find my
my meditation, I saw my younger son Lincoln as my guide leading own voice of authority and inner truth. This is one of the tenets
me on through these trials. I trusted him implicitly, as I have always of healing.
done, and always will. I created rituals, using art and sand play,
to overcome the obstacles that the critic placed in my way. On
one occasion when I felt unable to proceed, I used sand play to
represent my dilemma, then I drew a picture of the critic and then
ceremoniously burnt it, defying him and all he stood for. I was then
able to move forward.

The Wise One and the Critic, sand play representation, Jenni Harris,
2009.

My determination to keep going meant that I needed to grieve the

losses, dissolve the false beliefs, and finish the unfinished business.
The unfinished business belonged to me personally and to my own
past. It also belonged to my ancestors and to previous generations;
it may even belong to generations to come (Kellermann, 2001). In
healing, I had to project forward as well. Marianne Williamson’s
striking sentence caught my imagination: “We are the daughters

66
 Chapter 3 The Descent

Presenting the Journey I am back in the labyrinth; back and forth. I have attempted to use every
entry point I can think of. I have danced, walked, and invoked images,
poetry, conversation and writing. I have been inspired and felt defeated
over and over again. In every step of the way, I have faced this resistance,
Rudolf Steiner writes of the difficulty of describing spiritual
doubt and confusion. I have surrendered and started again. I have walked
things in terms used for the physical world.
away and started again. I have not given up. Each time, I circle the work
We can describe what is there seen by choosing words used and come close to its essence, I am driven backwards; halted at the edge
for qualities otherwise perceived in the physical world: of the threshold.
solid, liquid or fluid, airy or aeriform, or warmth; or: earth, Journal, October 2010, at home
water, air, fire. These expressions are taken from the physical
world in which they are coined. Our language is after all Underlying all of this was my fear of being re-traumatised. Despite
a means of expression for the physical world. If therefore all the work I had done, the vortex of trauma still threatened to
the spiritual scientist has to describe the higher worlds, he
suck me under. I needed to find a way to move forward with safety.
must borrow the words from a language that was coined
for things of ordinary life. He can speak only in similes, But first, let me try to give you an idea of what it was like for me
endeavouring so to choose the words that little by little to be engaged in the enquiry.
an idea is evoked of what is perceived by spiritual vision.
(1985, p. 103)

As I came to write about this quest, I faced this difficulty and also
the challenge of articulating in a coherent form a process that was
deeply felt, ambiguous, circular and repetitive. In fact, the whole
enquiry process was untidy – positively messy. This was, in part,
because its nature and purpose changed from time to time; in part
because of the labyrinthine form it took and the multi-dimensional
and layered complexities of the process; in part because of the
nature of the past events I was revisiting; in part because of the
mythic and spiritual aspects of the process; and, not least of all,
because of my own mindset. I explored ideas that were existential
and full of mystery, uncertainty and paradox, all of which by their
nature, tended to be open-ended and difficult to contain. My
interest continued to be in what underlies the world I see. I best
understand things by feeling them and sensing their significance.
Describing this was like trying to roll into a manageable ball, a
skein of wool, which had been tangled and just thrown on the
floor. The more I tugged the ends the tighter and more intractable
the knots became. The whole began to look, for all the world, like
a convoluted, overlapping, incomprehensible mess.

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Remembering the Way

Wandering in the woods. William Conti said it so well when he described his own experience;
“ I hung suspended in the moment with no cognitive context or
We may lose what we once assumed was a permanent relationship to a past or to a future” (2007, p. 12). As I dismantled
occupation or relationship, and with this also the familiar
assumptions that previously supported my life patterns, I felt this
shelter of our usual place in the world, and find ourselves
“in the forest.” The forest, a labyrinth, the otherworld, the despair, despite what I understood intellectually.
underworld, the sea, and the depths of the sea are all poetic and
At two critical times I undertook the pilgrimage to Compostela –
symbolic descriptions of how we perceive the unconscious
as a realm. It is where we are when we are lost, and it is where walking a total of 700 km through France and Spain. The first time
we need to go in order to find ourselves. Individuation, was in 2005, soon after I commenced my enquiry, and the second
the need to live from our own depths in an authentic and in 2009, as I approached its conclusion. The physical pilgrimage
growing way, is a journey that takes the ego into the forest. was, in many ways, quite uncomplicated compared to the inner
Being in the midst of the forest is a commentary upon a pilgrimage I was undergoing. I had, on the Compostela path,
period of our lives. … It is a time and metaphoric place
the strong impression that I was in the company of hundreds of
of danger and transformation. There are no clearly marked
signs or roads. If we are afraid, the shadows can seem thousands of others who had undertaken the same journey before
ominous; if we are foolhardy, the forest can be a dangerous me. I felt their presence supporting me. But on my inner journey I
place. felt quite alone. I was unsure of the territory. I had no map. I was
Jean Shinoda Bolen (1994, p. 148) fearful of what lay ahead and uncertain about my ability to cope.

I have described this enquiry as entering into the unknown; a

liminal time of wandering on a road within, a time lacking “steady
points of reference” (Stein, 1998, p. 20). I lived the enquiry in
my body, in my heart and in my psyche. It was a trail of trials – a
journey beset by obstacles and shadows and by insistent and painful
visitors, dragons and ogres. I surveyed what looked like the ruins
of my life. There were roads not taken, resting places, confusing
crossroads, glass mountains, dark valleys, detours, conflicting
voices and crumbs along the path. I made many sacrifices. I became
re-traumatised, lost, shaken to the marrow, disorientated. I was
often left without hope. I recall understanding that an initiatory
process has a parallel one in alchemy, in which the base metals are
being liquefied or melted in order for a new and more inclusive
configuration to emerge. Its effect on the personality is one of
dissolution, depression, anxiety, and vulnerability in order to allow
the unconscious contents to break through. Joseph Henderson
notes that Jung believed this individuation process to be necessary
around the second half of life in order to bring balance and to
connect with one’s own unique destiny (Henderson, 1967).

68
 Chapter 3 The Descent Remembering the Way

Representations of my journey. A day in the life of an enquirer. him as he told me his story – how tough his task had been because
I had always tried to overcome him. He told me that, nevertheless,
I have already spoken of the difficulty of describing in more detail I have selected from my journal a series of entries to show how he had to struggle on as he had a role to play in my life. What was
what I was experiencing. In the end, it was the arts that came to the enquiry impacted on my day-to-day life. In 2006 I was living this role? He said it was his mission to be powerful and visible so
my rescue; they rose again to meet, contain and find safe expression in a house in Warrandyte, an outer suburb of Melbourne mostly that I would realise that he was there and that I might actually
for my trauma. The idea came to me of presenting my experience surrounded by bush, rented from a friend. I have reconstructed transform him. In this way, we talked for ages. We agreed eventually
of the underworld as an artistic presentation – a worded artistic this account from these entries, and sometimes I let an entry speak that I would, in fact, be quite lonely and sad to see such an old
representation. In this way the demons would be contained. I now for itself. and faithful friend leave my life. I actually shed some tears. So
present to you this visual representation of my journey, which I maybe Failure could remain, but have a different role – what could
The night has her arms of darkness around me as I lie in my bed. It
have called Entering the Unknown – Initiation and Descent. When you that new transformed role be? But first of all I wanted a sense of
is 2am and I can’t sleep. I hear no scratchings, snuffles and squawks
fold it out you will see a collage – a selection of extracts of varying humour, some delight and some joy. Failure agreed to this new
from outside my window that tell me that any other animals are
dates torn from my journal. position. We left the bush noticeably in a different state of mind.
awake. A fragment of a dream returns to me:
I hope you will understand from what I have already written, that That was two days ago. Today my old friend does not seem so
I am teaching art therapy, I am in a break for lunch and I cannot seem
it has not been easy for me to return to my journal to make this friendly, or so faithful.
to wake up. I am extremely drowsy and groggy. I look in the study guide.
selection. This has been because the entries are so numerous and, I am supposed to teach agape. In my dream I cannot remember what this Failure does not seem to have kept to his end of the contract. It seems
also, because it is painful for me to return to those dark places. By means. I feel disjointed, like I am bluffing my way through, praying and Failure has emerged even stronger over the last twelve hours. Holding
collecting some of the entries in an artwork, as I have, they can, as hoping that, in the end, it will make some sense and the bits will all join hands with Failure, today, is Poor Me, Lucky You (“it’s all right for some
it were, tell their own story without my becoming drawn back into up but I am left fearing that I could well be exposed as a failure. people…” says my mother’s voice of bitterness) and Dull, Ordinary
the vortex of trauma.
Dream, 10 September 2006 Jenni (“I am nothing” says Jenni). I realise that Failure is masculine.
I do not seek to offer you a packaged explanation of this map I realise, too, that Failure is not my true voice: when I look at myself
I doze off until dawn. This dream swirls through me and it calls honestly, I see a person who is profoundly grateful and blessed. Is the voice
or its contents; nor any key to explain them. Like any artistic
up my feelings about my enquiry and the thesis that I am to write. of Failure one that I have taken on and why have I taken it on? What
representation, they must speak for themselves and evoke a response
As is so often the case, my unconscious is leading the way. It is value is there in having Failure as a constant companion?
from the viewer. I hope that, by dipping into them, you will come
telling me that the thesis, too, feels like a disjointed process. I hope Journal, 10 September 2006, at Warrandyte
to feel into my experiences.
that each of its parts will make sense, and that, when they are all
brought together, the whole will be a thorough synthesis. A while later in the morning, I gather myself and begin to prepare
a new garden. I cannot remember as an adult preparing a garden,
The morning sun calls me to my daily routine. As usual, I start and that morning I found out why. I am overwhelmed. As I dig,
with my meditation. As I reflect I feel tears welling up. They are sweat and turn over the soil, I cry. I think back on my life on the
about Alan. Where is he? How I loved him! From an empty space farm, on my unwell mother, on my desperately sick father, on my
deep within my body I sense the sadness and the love that my beloved animals … Soon I will plant herbs, vegies and flowers with
words cannot express. It bubbles up in a sobbing that I don’t want my granddaughter Aliya. I shall, I hope, transform the past. I try to
to contain … return to my studying as the weather breaks.
I do my yoga practice and have a cup of tea. My mind strays back Outside the wind is now raging. It breaks branches and turns
two days, to when I was walking in the bush. It had become my objects into flying torpedoes. Hot, hot wind. I feel distracted,
custom to hold the hand of Failure as I walked. I would chat with

69 72
 Bargaining with god
Dark paths – a time of wandering Though I am embarrassed to admit it, I secretly bargain with Invite them in es, yet again, is my sense
ion one wo rd arises, peace. But what aris
God. If I do all this is inner work, write this thesis, then some I meditate on personal goodne
ss. Ou t of the med itat anted feelings and memories.
Over the last few years of undertaking this self-observation be wit h, and what to do about all the unw
magical creative synthesis and an epiphany will rise and resolve all my of failure. My mind still wants
to kno w how to more unless instructed. Peace.”
it seems that I have shone the light into many dark places
as the y arise and simply befriend them. Do nothing h the generations
within myself. I discovered profound grief, raging anger, stagnant confusion and pain. And yet really, I know I will continue to live with I get the message “Invite them in,
fort and bef riend failure (it feels like it comes down throug
uncertainty, with knowledge of suffering, with mystery and paradox. I will com
pools of bitterness, self-hatred and unresolved hurt. I observed So I decide to invite failure in. my failure. I do not ask it questio
ns. I just befriend it.
n I’m in tear s. I cra dle
my lack of mindfulness and control and my conditioned habits, Tuesday 26 June 2007 as well). Soo be with me”.
responses and reactions. I did not like what I found. I blamed kno ck on my doo r com es Emb arrassment. “Just come in and Sunday 30 July 2006
Next to

Death and dissolution

and shamed. I mapped the effects of many traumas, felt

A crack in a trou
the subsequent reverberations and experienced the resulting

bled heart
consequences of fear and exhaustion, plus the loss of

Guilt
confidence, hope and trust. I felt the pain. I cried the losses. The other day, I lay on my bed. I did not know what I felt – nothing
I screamed my anguish. I sank into crippling shame, despair and – but not numb. Disconnected from everything I proceeded to let As I watch my grand
dau
numbing guilt. I discovered a vast array of projections, fantasies, myself die. I. I spent several hours saying goodbye to everyone I smell the seductive ghter so earnestly mix an imaginary pudd
unspoken and unmet expectations and needs. I heard the lies that I fight against the guilt in me. I am guilty because fragrance of a Mr Lin ing, as
and everything. Goodbye to ideas and dreams – just could not hold moment there is some coln rose, I know fo
I have told myself and others. I witnessed the effect on others I am so blessed and lucky to be able to sit here in thing more to life th r that
anything any more. What a relief! At first I thought, “This is crazy, these scaly eyes of an I can possibly se
of my defensiveness and malice. I looked eye to eye with my the sunlight, on this windy day reflecting on matters, mine. I know that my e with
maybe you will send a message to the heavens that you really do a divinity that is alm own son, Lincoln, sh
sense of failure. It is reflected back to me in every possible such as peace and soul health, when all over the ost too beautiful fo ines with
want to die”. (I don’t) But I could make no sense of anything. The My heart has become r me to experience.
way and amplifies my perceived inadequacies and limitations. world looked like a jigsaw still in the box, unmade, with some pieces world profound suffering exists. crusty with fear and
no place, except this untold stories. I fe
It yelled at me through a thousand entangled and insidious voices. Sunday 30 July 2006 journal – and not eve el that
probably not even there. I’m not sure I could even be bothered to put my joys and pains. I n that at times – co
You are not good enough, you are wrong and you have failed. cry as I write. uld hold
it together. Feeling like a failure. Too much effort. Just don’t care.

Despairing
Where will the path now lead? The un-combed cat and cross-eyed hen stage. … But I care about
my clients, deeply. Saturday 20 May 2006

Inner Struggle
Tuesday 5 June 2007
I am getting exhausted by the search, the grasping of hope from one
thing to the other. Stop grasping Jenni. Surrender, submit, die. I am on retreat for a few days. I have once again moved

Lost
house. Most of my bits and pieces are in storage and
6 November 2007 at Merricks I’m back near the city. I have felt shaken and raw, Why do I not reside in my bod
y? Shock. It does not feel saf

At peace in the underworld

making no sense of anything, going through the motions a little way away, maybe I will e. If I stay
. Tired from not take the brunt of any pos
co mp as s. No reference point. Tired of shifting camp. I am haunted and weighed down by shock so much. So I circle bac sible future
Lost withou t a ld seek help, k into this theme again. I wan
g an d cr uc ifying myself. I shou past events. My mental energy, my self-confidence and my by some framework/rhythm, but t to live
thinking, se arc hin ld grow up, I am I
allow for serendipity and spontan constantly deconstruct it in order to
ne. Co ntradictions. I shou I am conscious of being in the belief in my competencies are depleted. The future feels
I sh ou ld do it alo me, at least a little. underworld. That is where eity and intuition. I need also
someone to care for I should I am. I want to be here – I can extremely uncertain. Connecting with my children, and with to respond to my own needs and to be able
depleted, and I need of my being and find myself. If transformation and ascent
’t be bothered climbing out. I know stability is a bit of an
others. But I still yearn for sta
bility.
to th e co re nity; to others. close friends provides very necessary solace and comfort. illusion; yet I still yearn for it.
I should go a contribution to huma a stronger energy than my own
are to take place, this will req
uire
an d ma ke I have made a small nest in a room; a place to curl up and
turn ou tw ard s ams. Nothing on personal will. How I long for
I ho ld on to my vis ion or let go of my dre d exhaustion. – but I haven’t got the energy
to do
them feel safe. How do I go forward to now? 23 October 2006
Do ion an suffering every psychological diso it all by myself. I must be
t I know is confus
my path is clear. Wha umour? rder ever documented. Perhaps it is existential despair not clinical depression.

Surveying the ruins – back to the starting

 h
Where is my sense of Tuesday 29 May 2007
I can still see the beautiful pink
geranium growing in the 25th of June 2007.
bedraggled garden. It is loyal and
honest.
Everything penetrates me, there

Wrestling with anger

are no walls, no skin. I am por This takes me back to the start of the circle, back to the start of
and nonexistent. Can I receive ous
the Divine? It feels like there the thesis, back to the entrance to the labyrinth. And, not very whole,

Exhaustion as a beginning
nothing in me substantial enough is
to do so. I can tell you. Very bedraggled and broken. Just plain fucking depleted.
6 November 2007 at Merricks Fear is with me when I wake. Was this the deal? There is no bargaining at this stage. I did not want
I yell at it to go away
and then I remember the Rum this kind of journey; I wanted a clean crisp healing, thank-you. Out

e
i poem. I want to be the

e way – gratitud
Over the last 13 years since Alan’s death, I moved home innkeeper, inviting all the visitor there quick, clean and shiny! I wanted the Glamour Makeover. I wanted

sh ip al on g th
s to come in as they bring

Wor
a dozen times. I have felt displaced, disorientated, angry and messages from afar. to be able to cut it with the academics and heal the poor and sick!
hopeless. I felt left raw, bruised and without any armour. I wanted to be able to talk the talk, the jargon, the paradigms, the
My porous skin revealed my vulnerabilities, my sadness and I keep looking at the bush tryi
somewhere ng to write out the fear and
of pu re joy and delight arise from anger and the hatred and jealous theories, the concepts; and be in control, looking good and smart.
my high sensitivities. I felt everything. I absorbed psychic Fleeting encoun ters ence of people y – my sense of failing in Oh god, I wanted this so much! Then I would have respected myself.
mo st ly when I’m in the pres life is huge.
transferences and sank into exhaustion. I wear my story and that I cann ot name – and grandchildren, But I got the opposite. And I don’t like it. I am defenceless now.
resentment like a cloak of pity and righteousness. I don’t like it. ch ildren and their partners d
I love, especially my presence of beauty an
Thursday 8 June 2007 en in nature, wh en dancing, when in the ered st ates of
Friday 28th July 2006 6.30 am So I leave it here, for now – I ask myself still, where is the joy and
wh e alt
ditating. These feel lik humour in my life? And how do I find balance? Is this a sacrifice for
warmth and when me of grace . now, as I search for the grail?
nts
consciousness, mome Merricks
6 November 2007 at 6 November 2007 at Merricks

Ye tang che
y
In Tibet there is a word; ye tang che. It means totally, Trust in the journe
completely exhausted. It describes a feeling of complete of various kinds
eat ed dre am s of mountains, tracks of nights
hopelessness, which in Buddhism is a very important point I have ha d rep
try ing to find my way home. A couple
as it can be the beginning of the beginning; when one realises and of the feeling of tcrop unable to move, and
a very high rocky ou k, were a man
there is nowhere or no one to be with other than where and ago I saw myself on me , on a green water tan
Be fo re that
who we are now. In practising mindfulness we stay with the paralysed wi th fe ar. a tall pile of stones
experience and not dissociate. We always want to know there n, enco uragi ng me to take rocks from event, a de ity or
a woma one, some

Confused and not knowing – a deep questioning

ced to honour some tried
is hope. It gives us courage and direction. But I sense to be a spiritual pilgrim pla y reach the stones and, when I did, I
ul d ba rel next step.
able to be open to hopelessness and new kind of experience something. I co ructure in order to
find the

Meeting the shadow

to ma ke a ne w st th e sid e of me,
may emerge that of Being; being fully in the moment, no to use them found a stone and pla
ced to
ago, age ou sly d ou t
comfortable ground under us, with all the loose ends still I turn up an entry in my diary of 20 January 2006, one year Every tim e I co ur
o the abyss. Eventua
lly, I ju st st ep pe
messy, without the idea of lasting security. ply dis ap pe are d int ere), and mi rac ul ou sly
at 6.30 am. it sim ing th
I got a vivid picture this morning of my own Pandora’s ure should be (noth
Thursday 8 June 2007 Am I really an unstable gypsy with a mental illness! to where the struct e pla ce next to it.
box – of all the rocks and shit that sit inside this on th
Maybe, I found myself safe n through the darknes
s.
box and all that I do to keep the lid on this box – Maybe I am real and the physical world is all that there is? gives me co ur age to keep going, eve
am Monday 8 May 2006
Winter’s approach
but the shit (I supposed one would name it “shadow”) thinking that it is not – that the physic al world is not all there is and The dre
is seeping out in all sorts of ways. So I guess it is n – is my delusio n! My though ts wander to Jung
that it is all a delusio
then, he said,

Alone
time to take the lid off and dive in. who allowe d his three- year breakd own to happen . It was
and researc h. I’m no
It is almost winter; the end of autumn which will always Sunday 23 April 2006 at South Yarra 11:50am that he gained his most valuable understanding
for me be the reminder that Luca chose this time to die. Carl Jung, I know.
In autumn - the time of shedding. But winter, we know is How long can I live in this lost ungrasping way? Do I live so Beauty is feeding me; order is feeding me. I want to tell someone

Disowned beauty
cal
the time when the earth renews itself, and so in my feelings formlessly because I am scared to commit to anything (physi how hard all this is. But I will push you away if you get too close.
of darkness is this the possibility for me? or non physical) out of fear that I would lose it? I do not know how to trust you. I cannot breathe. The air is too
e I am cold. I’m exhausted and I feel like a sponge for everyone’s troubles.
Saturday 20 May 2006
I can’t go to sleep… I open my I feel like a failure in the “real” physical material world becaus I am really a monster. I am scared to breathe. I have no place that
in the spiritu al becaus e I am so dense and
very dark, still room – my bedroo
eyes to the beautiful dark, so undefined; and a failure I can call home. And the wind howls outside.
m. An idea dawns on me. attached to my ego, identity and history.

rkness
I have no idea why, but it doe

Embracing the da
s. …that it is a very long time Wednesday 13 July 2006 at 7 pm – in bed with asthma.
I cannot save the world, but maybe I can save myself.

nsformation?
since I have felt beautiful. The

Coping
as a source of tra
feeling is something between
numbness, dislike and even disg I am lost, and yet I guide others!
ust with myself. So, if there

Shame
is a disowned part it is about go,
beautiful. I feel I don’t have
feeling or, even looking, I do not know if I am in a process of building up or letting
, the energy to sustain my I am making progress or drowning.
kness from my soul self-image – it is easier to num if I need help or not, if I cope by maintaining
Take this dar way, b out, not be invisible, no, Or am I, eventually, being invigorated or exhausted. … the connection with
You alone can light my but to blank out. Also, becaus I feel great shame. Deep shame that
ne ca n ma ke me whole once again. acutely in my body, I do allow
e I do feel the environment so 19 January 2007 my children and friends,
You alo ugh me. myself to provide protection. I have not made my life feel all right.
ng keep trickling thro through meditation,

Peace arrives
Do n Mc Le an so
Words from th e it that can 25 June 2007
n ma ke me wh ole once again. What is 27 April 2006 – 1.45am small rituals and
You alone ca acknowledging the
again?
make me whole once self in the depths of
turning of the seasonal

Make haste slowly

urs I have found my
Owning my shadow
las t fe w ho dal thoughts. I wake at dawn, this last quieter week has bought many blessings. cycles. Sometimes I do
Ov er th e
be lieve th at I was having suici I go through a gentle morning ritual, warming my little study and lots
darkness again. I ca nn ot pped were so strong. not cope at all.
su ici dal bu t th e th oughts of feeling tra of warm water drinking. I then carry out the practice of the Five
I’m not , homeless, useless, I long to draw breath from the deepest part 25 June 2007
ha us tio n, failure, being trapped The Shadow – the dumping ground for all those Tibetan Rites, have a cup of hot chai tea and meditation. It makes
The se ns e of ex , almost inviting them all the difference really. It makes the difference. of my being, to feel connected with something
so st ro ng. I stay with them characteristics of our personality that we disown…
un he ale d are d purge them. greater. I do know there is such a thing as
em like an abscess an and this is one of those unexpected sources. “ Saturday 29 July 2006 - early morning
in order to burst th – since I’m trying soulful timing and that rushing forward out of
su pp ort ou t th ere or is it all inside me These disowned parts are extremely valuable and this pit now could be untimely and premature.

Conscious depression – a fortuitous insight

Do I seek cannot be disregarded. … To honour and accept
this?
to find Me in all of I have the energy one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. 25 June 2007
es s ha s a ho ld on me – I do not think It is whole-making and thus holy and the most
Darkn
okay though.
to overcome it. I am Sunday 5 November 20
06 important experience of a lifetime.” Last night I woke unexplainably at midnight, knowing that sleep would not return immediately. I walked
24 April 2006 into the study and randomly selected a book. Or did it select me? Let me write out a word or two of
what I read. These words came to me as if an angel had whispered in my ear – this is what you need
to do, this is why and how. I read from Gertrund Mueller Nelson’s Here All Who Dwell Free.

No path
The dominant voice
… her development has been made difficult and convoluted because of her own devotion to the
masculine principle, that is, to ideas and opinions and values here symbolized by her father.
This morning, a fragment of my dream revealed me, with a baby Bit by bit she loses hold of her life, further and further she withdraws from it, and she cannot be
on a very small train track. The tracks turned at a right angle, The critic, it seems, is my dominant voice. It is also the healed until she retreats entirely to the quiet, deep, removed place that the world knew so little about.
but I found myself having not taken the formed path, but having voice of anger. It is getting very loud; louder each day. In painful loneliness and isolation she must go into the dark woods, or remove herself for a time
gone straight ahead, through bushes (though there was a gap) I sit with my home-made portable labyrinth and trace from active participation in life. … She either surrenders to fruitless depression … or embraces
liking
and into a field, feeling a bit bewildered and dazzled but quite my finger to the centre. I find rage, raw, destructive, hot, a conscious choice to withdraw from life where she will face her own woundedness and enter into
nded me. What I doing here? No signs, no markers.
what surrou fiery rage. Wild and violent. I do not know what to do with its very depth. For unconscious depression does not heal, it only contaminates life with its poison.
Not yet out of the woods. It is a metaphoric place of danger
it. Perhaps all my internal communication meets this central But conscious depression or conscious suffering will finally bring about healing.
and transformation. There are no clearly marked signs or roads. voice. Surely another voice exists. So that is the what, why and how of what I seem to be doing. Thanks to the midnight angel
2 July 2008 at home. 9 October 2007 of understanding.
Tuesday 16th August 2006
 Chapter 3 The Descent Remembering the Way

Representations of my journey. A day in the life of an enquirer. him as he told me his story – how tough his task had been because
I had always tried to overcome him. He told me that, nevertheless,
I have already spoken of the difficulty of describing in more detail I have selected from my journal a series of entries to show how he had to struggle on as he had a role to play in my life. What was
what I was experiencing. In the end, it was the arts that came to the enquiry impacted on my day-to-day life. In 2006 I was living this role? He said it was his mission to be powerful and visible so
my rescue; they rose again to meet, contain and find safe expression in a house in Warrandyte, an outer suburb of Melbourne mostly that I would realise that he was there and that I might actually
for my trauma. The idea came to me of presenting my experience surrounded by bush, rented from a friend. I have reconstructed transform him. In this way, we talked for ages. We agreed eventually
of the underworld as an artistic presentation – a worded artistic this account from these entries, and sometimes I let an entry speak that I would, in fact, be quite lonely and sad to see such an old
representation. In this way the demons would be contained. I now for itself. and faithful friend leave my life. I actually shed some tears. So
present to you this visual representation of my journey, which I maybe Failure could remain, but have a different role – what could
The night has her arms of darkness around me as I lie in my bed. It
have called Entering the Unknown – Initiation and Descent. When you that new transformed role be? But first of all I wanted a sense of
is 2am and I can’t sleep. I hear no scratchings, snuffles and squawks
fold it out you will see a collage – a selection of extracts of varying humour, some delight and some joy. Failure agreed to this new
from outside my window that tell me that any other animals are
dates torn from my journal. position. We left the bush noticeably in a different state of mind.
awake. A fragment of a dream returns to me:
I hope you will understand from what I have already written, that That was two days ago. Today my old friend does not seem so
I am teaching art therapy, I am in a break for lunch and I cannot seem
it has not been easy for me to return to my journal to make this friendly, or so faithful.
to wake up. I am extremely drowsy and groggy. I look in the study guide.
selection. This has been because the entries are so numerous and, I am supposed to teach agape. In my dream I cannot remember what this Failure does not seem to have kept to his end of the contract. It seems
also, because it is painful for me to return to those dark places. By means. I feel disjointed, like I am bluffing my way through, praying and Failure has emerged even stronger over the last twelve hours. Holding
collecting some of the entries in an artwork, as I have, they can, as hoping that, in the end, it will make some sense and the bits will all join hands with Failure, today, is Poor Me, Lucky You (“it’s all right for some
it were, tell their own story without my becoming drawn back into up but I am left fearing that I could well be exposed as a failure. people…” says my mother’s voice of bitterness) and Dull, Ordinary
the vortex of trauma.
Dream, 10 September 2006 Jenni (“I am nothing” says Jenni). I realise that Failure is masculine.
I do not seek to offer you a packaged explanation of this map I realise, too, that Failure is not my true voice: when I look at myself
I doze off until dawn. This dream swirls through me and it calls honestly, I see a person who is profoundly grateful and blessed. Is the voice
or its contents; nor any key to explain them. Like any artistic
up my feelings about my enquiry and the thesis that I am to write. of Failure one that I have taken on and why have I taken it on? What
representation, they must speak for themselves and evoke a response
As is so often the case, my unconscious is leading the way. It is value is there in having Failure as a constant companion?
from the viewer. I hope that, by dipping into them, you will come
telling me that the thesis, too, feels like a disjointed process. I hope Journal, 10 September 2006, at Warrandyte
to feel into my experiences.
that each of its parts will make sense, and that, when they are all
brought together, the whole will be a thorough synthesis. A while later in the morning, I gather myself and begin to prepare
a new garden. I cannot remember as an adult preparing a garden,
The morning sun calls me to my daily routine. As usual, I start and that morning I found out why. I am overwhelmed. As I dig,
with my meditation. As I reflect I feel tears welling up. They are sweat and turn over the soil, I cry. I think back on my life on the
about Alan. Where is he? How I loved him! From an empty space farm, on my unwell mother, on my desperately sick father, on my
deep within my body I sense the sadness and the love that my beloved animals … Soon I will plant herbs, vegies and flowers with
words cannot express. It bubbles up in a sobbing that I don’t want my granddaughter Aliya. I shall, I hope, transform the past. I try to
to contain … return to my studying as the weather breaks.
I do my yoga practice and have a cup of tea. My mind strays back Outside the wind is now raging. It breaks branches and turns
two days, to when I was walking in the bush. It had become my objects into flying torpedoes. Hot, hot wind. I feel distracted,
custom to hold the hand of Failure as I walked. I would chat with

69 72
 Chapter 3 The Descent

scattered and unfocused, moving from one thing to the other with One year into my enquiry I find that confusion and despair are my
no sense of purpose. These are the winds of the equinox. My body constant companions.
aches and my brain is foggy. I have the feeling that this thesis is I am being tossed around. … Moments of intense joy are juxtaposed
overrunning my whole life – it is a cloud of unlimited dimensions, with longer periods of just going through the motions. I feel lost,
which is smothering every part of my energy. I want to be well, bewildered, disorientated. I came out of the bush this morning feeling
healthy, unblocked. I want to feel beauty and to be beautiful, to tired and depressed. I know that at some stage I will gather enough energy
be loved and loving, to be flexible yet stable, and to be calm and and I shall keep going. But just maintaining going through all my old
stuff for the five thousandth time. Again. It is exhausting as well. Trying
expansive. I want my brain and body to function with ease. I want
to work it out. … Maybe art will help, maybe bodywork and all the time
something that I cannot speak about, something that is inside me,
an inner dialogue of worthlessness and fragile energy. I feel like throwing
like a bud wanting to burst forth, but it is enclosed in barbed wire. everything in at this moment. … I feel I have only just enough energy
It will need skilful hands to remove that barbed wire; and tender to counteract the darkness. I have lost some of my professional confidence
fingers to hold the bud, until it is strong enough to blossom. (the fragile bit I had) and at this moment I feel like tossing in most of
my teaching. The point is that external and internal things are brutally
I am supposed to be writing a thesis; but all I have is a huge
knocking me around. So I drown, come up for air, tread water, and then
journal. The entries, which should be sophisticated and coherent,
go under again with the next slightest thing. Why bother? … I am just
are nothing more than confused and formless ramblings. Perhaps so sick of myself. I hate myself. But I don’t….
other researchers face this early shapelessness too? My day – a little After this cathartic outburst I get the feeling once again that I’m just not
meditation, some exercise and keeping my home in order. Not good enough. No, not pathetic the usual “not good enough” but truthfully.
much to report on the thesis front; but there is so much going on Of course, I will NEVER actually be good enough – no one is or ever
inside me. will be. ... I realise that is true, I am not good enough, not bad enough,
not enough, as measured against somebody’s yardstick. I am what I am,
Tonight, the wind dies away and a balmy evening calls me out. I and that IS enough! … I am what I am. But so long as I continually
drive to the local library and fill my arms with books. Books about change the yardstick, raise the standard, pursue another goal, seek to please
artists – Chagall and Picasso – whose work I find so inspiring. I another person, rate myself by some new external elusive measure or
also pick up a De Bono book on lateral thinking (de Bono, 1987). some internalized critical voice, I will never be good enough. I am what I
I curl up on the lounge with the rain beating on the roof and am. What a relief, what a blessing! This is an embrace of self-acceptance,
immerse myself in the delight, which these books give me. It seems dare I say.
I might be changing the way I think and the perspective from Journal, Sunday 10 September 2006
which I view life.
These, then, are the thoughts which I take with me into my sleep
I feel that I should be devoting more time and energy to my at the end of another day of my enquiry.
upper-world activities – my family, my students. My friends and
family, some of them, are wondering about me; some I am sure feel
neglected by me. I find myself making excuses for not accepting
invitations to functions I would otherwise gladly attend. The
excuses seem lame, even to me. I want to pursue my enquiry but it
is going nowhere. Perhaps it is going backwards!

73
Remembering the Way

The way down. stop. Despite having read about the heroine’s journey and what it
entailed, I had not properly readied myself for this. I had lost my
In the early period of my research, I felt I had been travelling, not boundaries so much so that I felt I barely existed. I even created a
so much on a path, but in the gutters of despair and dissolution. folder on my computer called “proof that I exist”. I placed in this
I was moving down into the depths of a dreadful darkness and folder anything that anyone said that provided me with evidence
nothing I did, no techniques or strategies, seemed to be able to that I had not actually died.
save me from my fears, and from this deathlike confrontation. I was
being stripped – as if everything I thought or knew and wanted to There was nothing divine, magic or romantic about my experience;
believe in was being dissolved. This was a cycle that had repeated I felt ragged and bereft. I looked haggard and unkempt. I felt
itself in multiple forms and at many times in my outer life, and dismembered. Like Inanna, the renowned ancient goddesses,
now I found this inner stripping was no less arduous. I felt alone. whose descent into the underworld has become a metaphor for a
The irrational, solitary and inward-turning nature of my process seven-stage journey into the mystical depths of the soul, I was just
made me doubt what I was going through – it was difficult to share hanging there, naked and bleeding – like a piece of meat. It was
this with others. At times I tried to share it, only to feel unheard healing that I had first wanted; then it was that the flood of pain
and rejected. This multiplied my distress. I sought comfort in my and memories would subside; and it was always that my internal
family, in art, and in walking. Small gestures of kindness were ogres would stop taunting me. Shocking memories from the past
deeply appreciated and welcomed. I was, however, learning to taste slashed into me like razors into my flesh, piercing my carefully
my tea, to hear the early morning thrush sing to me, and to practice constructed armour. I had been plunged into a kind of hellish
gratitude for what I did have. nightmare, a kind of muddy, toxic quicksand; the more I struggled
to get away, the more I found myself sucked down into its pit.
My inner journey coexisted side-by-side with my tasks in the Nothing in my life seemed certain. The images were bewildering,
ordinary everyday life, but gradually I wished to withdraw. mixed and vivid. I was being split open, burned and dissected. A
I am alone in a fragile boat, with no sails, on the large ocean; the waters murky kind of fog pervaded me.
are a bit choppy. But not turbulent. Hoping to be rescued, and rejecting I would wake in the night, knuckles white with fear, trying to hold
the rescue team, which may be at the side of my boat this very moment. … onto something – anything. I seemed to be sacrificing much of the
I have no say in where it is that I will land. I will be yelling, screaming
upper world that I believed in for the sake of this mysterious and
and blaming everyone else because I have let the winds of destiny blow
foreboding experience. Was I simply watering negative seeds in my
my little boat to a foreign shore, not to my home, where I feel like an
incompetent outsider. Feeling helpless once again. Thy will or my will? mind and harming and disabling myself ? Was I draining precious
A big question! resources without any benefit, just producing further stress and
vulnerability? Where was my kind heart and equanimity now? It
Journal, 29 May 2007
made no logical sense. Repressed memories, painful aspects of my
I felt so alien, so removed from life that one day I lay on my bed fears and of myself paraded themselves boldly before me. I felt
and stopped the struggle against the process. The only thing taunted, humiliated and ashamed of my brokenness and fragility.
I could do now was to let myself fall into the pool of death. I I complained, screamed and yelled. I remember reading that Sylvia
was filled with doubt and fear like Annie in the dungeon of my Perera said that –
heart dream. My desire was to make this nightmare experience complaining is one voice of the dark goddess. It is a way

74
 Chapter 3 The Descent

of expressing life, valid and deep in the feminine soul. It I knew from my studies a decade earlier that Robert Assagioli’s
does not, first and foremost, seek alleviation, but simply research had revealed this:
to state the existence of things as they are felt to be to a When the process of psychospiritual transformation
sensitive and vulnerable being. It is one of the bases of the reaches its final and decisive stage, it sometimes produces
feeling function, not to be seen and judged from the stoic- intense suffering and an inner darkness which has been
heroic superego perspective as foolish qvetching and passive referred to by Christian mystics as the “dark night of the
whining, but just as autonomous fact – “that’s the way it soul”. The characteristics of this condition closely resemble
is”. (Perera, 1981, p. 70) those of the illness known as “psychotic depression” or
I related to Psyche, who was given superhuman tests and to Inanna melancholy. These characteristics are: an emotional state
of deep depression which may even verge on despair, an
as she descended into an initiatory ritual. Like Psyche, I too, was
acute sense of unworthiness which in some cases leads a
trying to remember the way. These stories gave me a sense of this person’s feeling himself to be lost or damned, a painful
archetypal age-old quest; they gave me a sort of pathway to be sense of mental impotence, a weakening of the will and
guided by. I was trying to be courageous and face fear, and even of self-control, lack of desire and a great reluctance to act.
smile at it, as Pema Chödrön would encourage me to do, saying (Assagioli, 1991, pp. 126-127)
that how “we relate to this mess will be sowing the seeds of how But it was me now, not someone else, who was in Dante’s dark and
we will relate to whatever happens next” (1997, p. 144). This gloomy wood. I was now the one who was cold and lost in the
provided a little comfort. I surrendered to the experience with only labyrinth of not-knowing and shadowy darkness. I had no voice
the smallest lingering faith that could be mustered. And I still had and no power to influence the circumstances or the environment.
to live the experience. All images of life as I had known were dying and my sense of
As my heart dream had foretold, my life was now in my own hands; belonging felt severed. I swaddled myself against the external
hands that were shaking and uncertain. My heart had been broken world, turning towards the dark inner realm of the unconscious
and bruised, and now it was being cracked open. The hardness psyche. I tried to remember that this was a significant time for
covering it was being chiselled away; like a kind of dying – a reflection on my existence as I searched for a new source of life
loosening, washing away – a pruning. Thomas Moore wrote of (Noble, 1983) and that this deep melancholy is what is needed for
it in his book, Dark Nights of the Soul, when he speaks of the selfish change. I was doubtful though that I could find any inner light that
hardness of the heart being dissolved. would help me traverse this foreign landscape, let alone speak of
Your story is a kind of water, making fluid the brittle events this “wood, savage and harsh and dense” (Alighieri, 1939, p. 23),
of your life. A story liquefies you, prepares you for more or bring home any secret gifts hidden there. I was trying to accept,
subtle transformations. The tales that emerge from your at times reluctantly, what was happening within me and around me.
dark night deconstruct your existence and put you again This was my solitary quest for now. All I had was what existed for
in the flowing, clear, and cool river of life. (Moore, 2004, me in the present moment.
p. 61)
This process had become my own lived experience. Even though
I was somewhat comforted by these words, the reality of the
experience was disturbing to say the least. Viewed from the outer
world, my commitment to this enquiry seemed madness.

75
Remembering the Way

The Edge Dream & Mindell, 2002) – the edge of the cliff of our being, where
creative change may occur. I am now leaving the confines of my
past, the confines of my narrow adaptive self – the good girl
Every dream or experience cycles around a central edge. It is who must “fit in”. By coming to the edge, and having to take the
held in place by belief systems that warn you to stay within fearful, but necessary, step into the unknown, I found courage to
the known world. When you are at the edge, you notice face the darkness, the shadows, the repressed traumas, complexes
these belief systems as voices, resistances, or blockages and memories of my own past. I am encouraged to put blame and
arising within your mind and body.
resentment aside and to begin to claim a life defined by a greater
Susan Hatch (2006, p. 55) and more aware dimension. Rachael replied to my call for help in
understanding the significance of this dream:
Towards the end of my research, the gatekeeper of my unconscious
permitted another dream to speak to me. The dream allowed me Dear Jenni, Yes you certainly are working hard in your sleep
to gain retrospective insight into the time of descent. In the dream Jenni Harris! And what treasure you are finding too, as
I found myself standing on the edge of a precipice looking down the pot bubbles it to the surface. ... Isn’t it great that you
at the world below. “shit yourself ” (again!) in that narrow confining limiting
bed... it’s about time, it would seem, to get up out of that
There is a setting of three holiday houses. We go into the third and last one narrow space (which seems rather coffin-like) – and getting
that is closed and I think we have not paid for it – I feel I’m trespassing. up requires intent and an action. Shitting yourself clearly
I then find myself on a very narrow bed asleep. I wake up and I have signals the return of the dynamic – and you have to get up
shit myself but luckily it is only on my own shawl. I get up to clean it up as a result (how ingenious!!!). And the action of “getting
up” out of confinement constellates something new: the
but become aware I am on a precipice; the edge of a cliff, to move is life
freedom to leap into your life (or not). Your friend can’t
threatening. I call out to a friend – he is only in the next room, playing help you.... he is a representative of the [old] adaptive Jenni,
music, but is oblivious to my situation and to me. I’m terrified. I look and has to remain oblivious to the Jenni who is about to
out at the ocean and see a helicopter is rescuing someone from a boat and take the risk of her life.
whales/dolphins swimming mostly under the ocean (with delight and
Another shift occurs, in response to you looking out to
freedom). A hand reaches out to me, it is, my son, Rhan. I then see it as the ocean ... embracing “possibility”, seeing the vastness of
only a small step over clear water to safety. I take it. the horizon; help arrives as readiness is reached, and the
Dream, 4 February 2010 “step” to be taken is suddenly recognised as small – and
well within your capacity. Wow... I wonder what happens
The dream opened with me on a narrow bed. John Welwood (2000) next... !!!
teaches that the fundamental purpose of spiritual practice is the (personal communication, 4 February 2010)
release from attachment to our restrictive, narrow conditioning.
I stood at the edge of the cliff. The hand that reached out and
The image returns me to the cot incident with me dirtying myself
helped me across the chasm me was that of my son, Rhan. He
in my small infant’s bed. Jung and the alchemists would praise this
symbolises love and transformation and I see him as representing
shit as the substance that contains the gold. Through the alchemical
those who have supported me and given me strength as I stood,
process, it is this despised shit-self that is transformed into gold, as
terrified, teetering at the edge of the abyss. Without help, I fear
the essence of the true self.
I might have toppled over and descended forever into the chaos
I got up from the narrow bed and moved to the edge of a cliff. which was within me.
Here I saw the edge that is spoken of by the Mindells (Mindell

76
 Chapter 3 The Descent Remembering the Way

Lamps in the Darkness A Gentle Rapping at the Door of My Heart

At the heart of my despairing self
I am alone
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human I fall and I fall
existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of
into
mere being.
the sacred face of darkness
Carl Jung (1989b, p. 326)
Fallen and wounded
In the edge dream my son represented the many supporters who have I want someone to be
helped me on my journey. Many of them were people I have never with me
met – including writers of books of all kinds who had provided In the light
me with support, encouragement and enlightenment in the dark through the ruins
times following Alan’s death. They returned to me as I worked at the window
with my enquiry and the challenges of transformation. David of love
Lukoff describes the importance of having a positive concept A visitation of angels
and sufficient information about the experiences and process of hovers
spiritual emergence (2007, p. 639). The wise and informed words I hear the wise words of others
of these writers gave me the encouragement I needed to believe that They bring solace
I was not alone and that I was, in fact, participating in a purposive wisdom
process that might eventually lead me to discover something of my
Encounters of grace
true self and a new connection with life.
in a place of healing
I offer to you now, in the form of a third worded art representation, They enter the silence
Lamps in the Darkness, a selection of their words, which meant a I give myself permission
great deal to me as I pursued my way. This foldout map shows the to befriend my shattered self
process I was undergoing from the perspective of others who had I come home at last
travelled my path and written about the events which I encountered Jenni Harris, June 18 2006
– texts which I found, or which found me, along the way. These
others had learnt from study and experience that healing is possible
in the dark night of unknowing. Their wise words encouraged me
and helped me to form healthier relationships with experiences
that were, at times, frightening. Their insights shone a light on my
path and enabled me to follow my inner process without trying to
control its transformative impulse.

77 80
 This opening marks the beginning of our spontaneous and deep process Suffering involves an emptying of the self and a surrender to one’s
of death and rebirth. Many forms of death and rebirth are encountered in the inner poverty. Victims must unite with their inherent poverty or be
course of spiritual practice in every tradition. … Healing, expanding through the scandalised by it. Everything must be taken away so that existence can
middle of knots, energetic awakenings, visions, and chakra openings can all be authentically encountered. Only then can victims realise that they
involve a letting go of our old identities and a rebirth of a new sense of self. do not belong totally to themselves, but to the Spirit and to others.
… the death-rebirth process becomes all-encompassing, involving our total being. This realisation comes about only when one is consumed by pain.
After we abandon our spiritual identity, the meditation leads us through a total It is impossible to refuse suffering without refusing life as a whole.
dissolution of our sense of self, through a dark night, like death itself. To enter Victims must seek to penetrate suffering and make it their own.
Now the dark night deepens. As our outer and inner It is the place of the powerlessness of chaotic and numb or unchanneled effect, the lonely
this path consciously challenges all we know about our identity. Yet this is the Suffering must be incorporated and become the path of development.
worlds dissolve, we lose our sense of reference. There grief-rage of powerlessness and unassuaged loss and longing, a hellish place where all we
path to freedom. The Zen teacher Karlfried von Durkheim spoke of the need It refocusses attention from what one “has” to who one “is”.
arises a great sense of unease and fear, leading students know to do is useless (thus there is no known way out of despair). We can only endure,
for this process when he wrote: Suffering only purifies only when it is willed and embraced.
into a realm of fear and terror. “Where is there any barely conscious, barely surviving the pain and powerlessness, suspended out of life, stuck,
The person who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times security?” “Wherever I look, things are dissolving.” until and if, some act of grace with some new wisdom arrives. Robert Grant (1996, p. 136)
in the world, will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who Jack Kornfield (1993, p. 149) Sylvia Brinton Perera (1981, p. 36)
offers him refuge and comfort and encourages their old self to Along the inner journey she will encounter the forces of her own
survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and self-doubt, self-hate, indecisiveness, paralysis, and fear. The outer world
inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the Giving up hope is encouragement to stick with yourself, might tell her she can do it, but she battles with demons that tell her she
True maturation on the spiritual path requires that we discover the depth of our wounds:
difficulty and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent to make friends with yourself, to not run away from yourself, can’t. “I can’t do it, I’m a fraud” … “If they ever knew what I was really
our grief from the past, unfulfilled longing, the sorrow that we have stored up during the
that a person exposes himself over and over again to to return to the bare bones, no matter what’s going on. like they’d never put their trust in me.”… “I don’t want to stand out,
course of our lives.
annihilation, can that which is indestructible be found within Pema Chödrön (1997, p. 45) if I succeed they’ll hate me.”…
Jack Kornfield (1993, p. 41)
them. In this daring lies dignity and the spirit of true awakening.
The litany goes on and serves to undermine her clarity, self-confidence,
The spiritual description of death and rebirth as a “dark night” comes from ambition, and self-worth. The dragons that jealously guard the myth of
the writing of the great mystic St. John of the Cross. In an eloquent way, Because of its painful emptiness, it is often tempting to look for a way out of depression. Tragically those who become full survivors still do not realise that the trials
dependency, the myth of female inferiority, and the myth of romantic
he describes the dark night as a long period of unknowing, loss and despair But entering into its mood and thoughts can be deeply satisfying. Depression is sometimes and tribulations encountered so far are not accidents or the result of bad luck.
love are fearsome opponents. This is not a journey for cowards; it takes
that must be traversed by spiritual seekers in order to empty and humble described as a condition in which there are no ideas – nothing to hang on to. But maybe They are inevitable and necessary. There are no dispensations for those trying
enormous courage to plumb one’s depths.
themselves enough to receive divine inspiration. He put it this way: we have to broaden our vision and see that feelings of emptiness, the loss of familiar to reach the Spirit. It is not in spite of but because of traumatic wounds and
understandings and structures in life, and the vanishing of enthusiasm, even though they suffering that some are able to find the Spirit. Without trauma most would seek Maureen Murdock (1990, p. 48)
“The soul that is attached to anything, however much good there may
be in it, will not arrive at the liberty of the divine.” seem negative, are elements that can be appropriated and use to give life fresh imagination. a life grounded in comfort and ignorance.
Spiritual development in a person is a long and arduous adventure,
Jack Kornfield (1993, p. 148) Thomas Moore (1994, p. 141) Robert Grant (1996, p. 146)
a journey through strange lands, full of wonders, but also beset with
difficulties and dangers. It involves deep purification and transformation,
Christian contemplative maps describe the higher spiritual paths as a process of growing humility and the awakening of a number of formerly inactive powers, the raising of
purification. St. John of the Cross teaches us that after certain initial experiences of grace there will the consciousness to levels it has never reached before, and its expansion
come long painful periods in which we lose our sense of connection with the Divine, and that such in a new internal dimension.
dark nights are necessary stages of the sacred journey. Roberto Assagioli (1991, p. 116)
Jack Kornfield (2000, p. 113)
To be initiated into a mystery psychologically is to have a mystical experience that changes
you. You no longer are who you were before. You have undergone something that sets you Cultivating the willingness to be with fear is a step toward
apart from those who have not had the experience. Often an initiation involves an element learning the willingness to be with life as it is.
of isolation, of facing fear or undergoing an ordeal. But perhaps just as often, the initiatory Ezra Bayda (2002, p. 70)

In the midway of this our mortal life,

experience comes as a gift of grace, when mystery and profound beauty come together in
a numinous moment of which we are a part. The new initiate feels archetypally twice-born:
into life at birth, and now through a mystery, into a new state of being or new consciousness. The healing journey is then a hero’s journey. Most heroic victims have no
idea that the path they will take up has been walked for thousands of years.

I found me in a gloomy wood, astray

Jean Shinoda Bolen (1994, p. 51)
Initially, most victims are mainly interested in survival. They do not realise
Women find their way back to themselves not by moving up and out into the that they have been invited to participate in a process that has been going
light like men, but by moving down into the depths of the ground of their being. on since the beginning of conscious awareness. All victims, in a way that

Gone from the path direct: and e’en to tell,

Her metaphor of digging the earth to find her way back to herself expresses is initially unclear, are asked to confront life’s most difficult challenges and,
woman’s initiation process. The spiritual experience for women is one of moving in the process, to discover both the Spirit and their deeper Self.
more deeply into self rather than out of self. Robert Grant (1996, p. 87)

It were no easy task, how savage wild

Maureen Murdock (1990, p. 89)
The long and painful process of Purgation forces victims to acknowledge the
ego’s preoccupation with importance, possession and pride. Naked and without

That forest, how robust and rough its growth,

We may lose what we once assumed was a permanent occupation or relationship, accoutrements heroic survivors now stand humbly before life and the Spirit.
and with this also the familiar shelter of our usual place in the world, and find ourselves In a sense they are prophets. They have seen and experienced what others prefer
“in the forest.” The forest, a labyrinth, the otherworld, the underworld, the sea, and the to avoid. Their suffering and effort are a testament to their authenticity,

Which to remember only, my dismay

depths of the sea are all poetic and symbolic descriptions of how we perceive the commitment to truth, and desire to be whole.
unconscious as a realm. It is where we are when we are lost, and it is where we need Robert Grant (1996, pp. 138-139)
to go in order to find ourselves. Individuation, the need to live from our own depths

Renews, in bitterness not far from death.

in an authentic and growing way, is a journey that takes the ego into the forest.
As the regression deepens, the analysand suffers
Being in the midst of the forest is a commentary upon a period of our lives.
“the dismembering dissolution of her own old identity”
… It is a time and metaphoric place of danger and transformation. There are no clearly
in a powerful depression. Rather than seeking a cure for this
marked signs or roads. If we are afraid, the shadows can seem ominous; if we are
depression, Ereshkigal “demands death, complete destruction
foolhardy, the forest can be a dangerous place.
of differentiations and the felt sense of individuality, and total
Jean Shinoda Bolen (1994, p. 148) Dante Alighieri (1910, pp. i, 1) transformation. She demands a terrible empathy, one that
surrenders, waits upon and groans with her”. Patient and therapist
“… the road is often crooked and narrow: the spiritual dream
Connecting to these levels of consciousness involves a sacrifice of the upper-world aspects of the Self to and for the are called upon to worship the Black Madonna, the Death Mother,
carries many believers neither into the blue sky of clarity nor
sake of the dark, different, or altered-state aspects. It means sacrifice to and for the repressed, undifferentiated ground the Old Crone. To the extent one can revere her, her poisonous
into the waters of absolution; instead it delivers us into the cloud
of being with the hope of gaining rebirth with a deeper, resonant awareness. And it means returning with those side can turn to the service of life.
One of the least discussed issues of individuation is that as one shines of ambiguity, into the chaos of dissolution. With spiritual
resonances, adding them to mental-cerebral, ordinary Western consciousness, in order to forge what Jean Gebser calls light into the dark of the psyche as strongly as one can, the shadows, Barbara Stevens Sullivan (1990, p. 63)
shadow-work, I suggest that this very ambiguity can become
integral consciousness. From this perspective the story of Inanna’s descent is the revelation of an initiation ritual, where the light is not, grow even darker. So when we illuminate some part a way of the prison of spiritual innocence and into a greater life
and it is directly relevant to feminine experience today. of the psyche, there is a resultant deeper dark to contend with. This dark of spiritual maturity”. Unfortunately, some of the new spiritualities deny the shadow
Sylvia Brinton Perera (1981, p. 14) cannot be let alone. The key, the questions, cannot be hidden or forgotten. Connie Zweig (2003, p. 42) side of life. Pain and suffering are seen as a creation of our own
They must be asked. They must be answered. minds that many erroneously believe we need to suffer.
It is not too much to take one year, two years, to assess one’s Half truths are taken as whole truths and the mystery of pain
So off we go, down into a different world, under a different sky, with In it we deepen our realization of the sorrows in The deepest work is usually the darkest. A brave woman, a wisening
wounds, seek guidance, apply the medicines, consider the future. and human darkness that sometimes shapes and motivates us
unfamiliar ground beneath our boots. Yet we go vulnerably, for we have the world caused by our separation of the Divine. woman, will develop the poorest psychic land, for if she builds only on
A year or two is scant time. The feral woman is a woman making is overlooked. Taking responsibility for ourselves easily gets
no grasping, no holding on to, no clinging to, no knowing … for Jack Kornfield (2000, p. 113) the best land of her psyche, she will have for a view the least of what she is.
her way back. She is learning to wake up, pay attention, stop being confused with blaming ourselves. Jung said “One does not
destiny draws her to live as a wanderer. … This becomes the living So do not be afraid to investigate the worst.
naïve, uninformed. She takes her life in her own hands. become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making
metaphor for women on the journey. We begin somehow not to feel Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1998, p. 53)
a part of the life that carnivals about us. … as we descend farther into When a woman is too long gone from home, Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1998, p. 251) the darkness conscious.” This is how the shadow is transformed.
the underworld. … she must go, knows it is part of divine rite. Making she is less and less able to propel herself forward The shadow has to come to light. Getting to know our shadow
in life. Instead of pulling in the harness of her The energies and attention of someone going through this experience can often be so absorbed in the struggle that he finds is the most important spiritual work we can do at this time.
her descent in her own way, she is transformed there, learns deep
choice, she’s dangling from one. She’s so it difficult to cope with the various demands of his personal life. For this reason the casual observer who judges him from the Lauren Artress (1995, p. 132)
knowing there, and ascends again into the outer world.
cross-eyed with tiredness she trudges right on point of view of normality and practical efficiency may find that he has grown worse and become less of a person. His inner
Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1998, pp. 412-413) turmoil is therefore compounded by unsympathetic and undeserved judgement from his family, friends and even from his
past the place of help and comfort. The dead
litter is comprised of ideas, chores, and demands doctors, and he will not be spared cutting remarks about the “great results” of his aspirations and spiritual ideas that have made
These images of going about in and through the dark carry an age-old that don’t work, have no life, and bring no life to his so ineffective and weak in everyday life. Such judgements often cause great pain to those on the receiving end, with the result
message that says, “Do not fear ‘not knowing.” In various phases and periods her. Such a woman becomes pale yet that they may be psychologically disturbed by them and fall prey to doubts and discouragement.
of our lives, this is as it should be. This feature of tales and myths contentious, more and more uncompromising, Yet this is one of the trials that has to be overcome, for it teaches us to triumph over our own sensitivity, and to acquire
encourages us to follow the call, even when we’ve no idea of where to go, yet scattered. Her fuse burns shorter and shorter. independence of judgement and a resoluteness in our conduct. This trial must therefore be faced without rebellion, but
in what direction, or for how long. All we know is that like the child in the Popular culture calls this “burnout” – but it’s rather with serenity. If those close to a person in this condition understand what he is going through, on the other hand,
tale, we must sit up, get up, and go see. So maybe we stumble around in the more than that, it’s hambre del alma, the starving This chosen withdrawal from life and engagement of woundedness is recognized by many
they can be a great help in saving him from many unnecessary conflicts and sufferings.
dark for a while trying to find what calls us, but because we have managed soul. Then, there is only one recourse, finally the religious systems as both necessary and valuable. They provide a period of reconciliation
woman knows she has to – not might, maybe, What we are considering is actually a transition stage: have left the old stage, but not yet having arrived at the new one. or atonement (at-one-ment) during which the faithful face their brokenness by feeling their
to not talk ourselves out of being summoned by the wild one, we invariably
sort of, but must – return to home. It is like that state of larva is in when it undergoes the transformation process that will cause it to become a winged butterfly: misery hope to be mended once more. They die to an old way of life and are transformed
stumble over the soulskin. When we breathe up that soul-state, we
it has to go through the chrysalis stage, a condition of disintegration and loss of power. and made new in the mystery of healing and resurrection.
automatically enter the feeling state of “This is right. I know what I need.” Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1998, p. 279)
Roberto Assagioli (1991, p. 125) Gertrud Mueller Nelson (1991, p. 25)
Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1998, p. 278)
 Chapter 3 The Descent Remembering the Way

Lamps in the Darkness A Gentle Rapping at the Door of My Heart

At the heart of my despairing self
I am alone
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human I fall and I fall
existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of
into
mere being.
the sacred face of darkness
Carl Jung (1989b, p. 326)
Fallen and wounded
In the edge dream my son represented the many supporters who have I want someone to be
helped me on my journey. Many of them were people I have never with me
met – including writers of books of all kinds who had provided In the light
me with support, encouragement and enlightenment in the dark through the ruins
times following Alan’s death. They returned to me as I worked at the window
with my enquiry and the challenges of transformation. David of love
Lukoff describes the importance of having a positive concept A visitation of angels
and sufficient information about the experiences and process of hovers
spiritual emergence (2007, p. 639). The wise and informed words I hear the wise words of others
of these writers gave me the encouragement I needed to believe that They bring solace
I was not alone and that I was, in fact, participating in a purposive wisdom
process that might eventually lead me to discover something of my
Encounters of grace
true self and a new connection with life.
in a place of healing
I offer to you now, in the form of a third worded art representation, They enter the silence
Lamps in the Darkness, a selection of their words, which meant a I give myself permission
great deal to me as I pursued my way. This foldout map shows the to befriend my shattered self
process I was undergoing from the perspective of others who had I come home at last
travelled my path and written about the events which I encountered Jenni Harris, June 18 2006
– texts which I found, or which found me, along the way. These
others had learnt from study and experience that healing is possible
in the dark night of unknowing. Their wise words encouraged me
and helped me to form healthier relationships with experiences
that were, at times, frightening. Their insights shone a light on my
path and enabled me to follow my inner process without trying to
control its transformative impulse.

77 80
The Centre
 The Labyrinth at

Chartres Cathedral

Once we enter it [the Labyrinth], ordinary time and distance are immaterial, we are in the midst of a ritual and a journey where
transformation is possible; we do not know how far away or close we are to the center where meaning can be found until we are there;
the way back is not obvious and we have no way of knowing as we emerge how or when we will take the experience back into the world
until we do. There are no blind ends in a labyrinth, the path often doubles back on itself, the direction toward which we are facing is
continually changing, and if we do not turn back or give up we will reach the center to find the rose, the Goddess, the Grail, a symbol
representing the sacred feminine. To return to ordinary life, we must again travel the labyrinth to get out, which is also a complex
journey for it involves integrating the experience into consciousness, which is what changes us.
Jean Shinoda Bolen
(1994. p. 34)

83
 Possibility
Centre Reflection
Love
e outward
om th e ce ntre to travel th
only just turn ed fr the world
I believe I have w ha t th e fu ll re-entry into
do not yet know
journey home. I e.
will wait and se en lasting momen
ts of
might be like. I d m om en ts , ev nce.
e last m on th I have experience lid ar it y of no thing yet substa
Over th formless so I have
. It is simply a l and complete.

Connection
a quiet strength s bu t is to ta
or future, no ed
ge nner Pilgrimage;
It has no past gr ou ps na m ely The Art of I
uple new work.
commenced a co my professional

Mystery
ho pe to of fe r in
this is what I actise slowing
-b as ed group… to pr
join this arts our everyday
I invite you to g an d enquiring into
savouri ng, dige st in come aware
down, lingering, in th e ordinary… to be
e sa cr ed the mysteries

Balance
unlock th …and to touch
experiences… to os e w e m ee t
– hiding in th
of the god – in es.
songs of our liv e visible and the
invisible,
embedded in the in to u ch w it h th
t-making we are ings to us in
In expressive ar am ed . A llo w in g art to reveal th lves and lifts
d the unn our everyday se
the unknown an s ou t of eper, lasting

Heart
ke s u
inspiration ta mething much de
the moment of nn ec t w it h so mage leading
r plane. We co r spiritual pilgri
us on to anothe es a pa th of inne
Thus art becom
and significant.

Stillness
who yo u re al ly are.
m e to e our
you back ho
bu st le , w e can resuscitat
ace, outside da ily . We give
In this gentle pl d w hat we might be
bring forth who
w e ar e an nnectedness
imaginations and ex pe ri en ce de eper levels of co
to
time and space me one and mea
ning flows in.
ourselves sacred m ee t to be co , a place
d outer on and stillness
…. where inner an r – a pl ac e of re flec ti
r what I long fo e confines of
I want to offe ss th at is held outside th

Sacred
ne
d for its sacred
that is respecte

Unity
udio
linear time. 7th Feb 2009 st

Rest Inner Space

Peace

85
 The Centre

T he signature image used on the front cover and the opening

pages of each chapter of this thesis is a photo taken from
the church door in the village at the top of Mount Cebreiro in the
two sets of gloves, two scarves, two pairs of leggings and my hot thermos
close by. All I needed for the moment was within me, on my back, before,
around, and next to me.
mountains in northern Spain. I felt that the village, O Cebreiro, The views were mystical, divine and the most beautiful to be seen. Despite
was the midpoint of the last leg of the Camino, the pivotal axis the mist, drizzle, rain, wind and cold all day, it was pure heaven. My
and still point of the pilgrimage. Leaving it meant that I was now energy was wonderful, no problems with feet, back pain, tiredness, blisters
– how can this be? A happy girl climbing the Celtic mountains. I felt
on the return journey. Gazing out from this church door on 27
more connected to the pilgrimage than ever. Basically 19 km straight up
April 2009, I wondered what lay ahead.
– an arduous climb but I was carried by the beauty, because it lifted my
The day before had provided a sharp contrast. It was a day when I heart. I felt I was in paradise as my eyes gazed across the postcard-like
seemed to be fighting against everything; a rare day when I found vistas. There was sheer delight in these luminous surrounds.
myself striving relentlessly to get to my destination – busy worrying I entered, by myself, into the inner darkness of the small church in La
Faba, part way up the mountain. It was blissful. We then stopped for tea
about a possible blister and all manner of trifling things. So busy,
and croissants at 9.30. Then countless more steps up to O Cebreiro and
I saw nothing much of the Camino. The next day was different.
its famed pre-Romanesque church whose bells were rung to guide pilgrims
There is nothing quite like the feeling of your possessions contained in a through the mist. The Holy Grail is rumoured to be here. And it was here
pack strapped firmly to your back, the feeling of openness at the beginning in 1300, it is said, that the statue of the Virgin Mary turned her head
of a new day; to what may come; to what may reveal itself to you. I like and where the sacramental bread and wine actually turned to flesh and
the idea of letting go, of trusting an invisible order. blood. It is claimed that the medieval buildings and granite-paved streets
Today was magnificent, despite (or was it because of?) the rain, fog and display their full beauty only in rain and drizzle. How true! And how
eventually snow. Somehow, I knew it was to be that sort of day when a true of the veiled vista below that opened momentarily, but enough, for us
timid but elegant, deer crossed my path in the early morning. This deer, my to glimpse the beauty beneath us.
totem, was not wounded or trying to find a cave in which to die but she This superb tiny church had David in tears, so beautiful. Little wonder.
was an auspicious omen of healing who encouraged me on. It is so still. And in that stillness I found everything and nothing. This is
Up, up, up and more up, then a bit more! indeed the centre of the pilgrim’s route to Santiago de Compostela for me.
Having set off at our usual, now weirdly traditional, but unintentional, I shall carry the centre within me as I travel onward.
7:35 AM, with David coughing with a bit of a cold, we realised within Journal, 27 April 2009
minutes it was a full-poncho wet-weather day. It turned into a sauna
inside but up and on we went – one step at a time. The bitter weather
held me within myself. Wrapped snugly in my purple poncho, two hats,

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Remembering the Way

I found myself missing my daughter, Gretta, knowing that some

seven years earlier she walked these very steps. I knew she was
guiding me, like the pilgrims before had done.

I learnt much on this day that has been of value later in my research
enquiry. I learnt to take one step at a time, to trust the omens sent
to guide me, to enjoy each step and not to hanker to arrive. I learnt
that all I need is generally at hand and, if not, to ask for help. I
learnt to trust my feet and my body to guide me wisely, and to
open myself to the beauty that is ever present. Most important, I
learnt that I carry the still centre within me; it is not anywhere else.

We pause now, at the centre of the thesis, as I did that day after
ascending to O Cebreiro. This is a time to reflect and to find
stillness, even illumination.

The first three chapters, like those of the heroine’s journey, have
dealt with the premonition, accepting the call and setting out, and
the descent into darkness. In the research terms of Clark Moustakas
(1990), they represent the stages of engagement, immersion and
incubation. We now leave these more personal, subjective and
introspective chapters behind as we set out on the last leg of the
journey, as I did that day, on the way home towards Santiago.

The next three chapters concern the return to the upper world,
the world of the every day. These chapters are a different style of
writing; they are more objective, linear and grounded in conceptual
knowing. They involve opening out to the world of others.
They represent, in heuristic terms, the stages of explication and
collaboration.

The final chapter, The Way Home, is the integration of a deeper

knowing, reflecting “both participation and authenticity” (Hiles,
2002, p. 2). It provides the creative synthesis; it brings back the
boon to share with others. It asks the existential questions: What I
am I now a part of ? What contribution can I make?

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 The Return

Chapter 7. The Way Home

The gifts
Creative synthesis
Integration
Lessons learnt
Discussion
Looking back, looking forward
 Chapter 4

Ways - Remembering

the Processes
Having read her [Carolyn Ellis’s] stories and those
of her colleagues and students,… I love the way she
practices ethnographic writing as a form of creative
nonfiction, taking expressive liberties associated with the arts,
and feels the ethical pull of converting data into experiences
readers can use. She opens ethnography to a wider audience, not
just academics but all people who can benefit from thinking about
their own lives in terms of other people’s experiences.

At the studio
I want to record my research like that, but can I write well enough? Can I
cope with what colleagues and other readers may say and assume about me?
I’m still struggling with the dilemma of how to position myself within my research
project to show aspects of my own tacit world, challenge my assumptions, locate myself
through the eyes of the Other, and observe myself observing. If I write an autoethnography,
I’ll have to struggle to position myself within academia, as well as in the research.

Karen Scott-Hoy
(2008, p. 129)

93
 Mind
Mapping
Journaling

A Narrative
ul,
is ex pl or at io n painful and joyf
I have found th fu l. I somehow w
ant to
ss

Cycles
l an d st re into the
delightfu fo r my seduction
fo r m ys el f, experience
apologise t. T hi s has been my
t I w on hatever
darkness. Bu to op en in g the door to w
lo ya l
and I remained ter experiences,
s ar rive d - in ne r thoughts, ou s that
visitor ries and conversation
, co m m en ta horrible,
literature m e. At times it was
r fa ce to
showed thei er into the
as I waded deep

Dreams
lo ne ly
shoc king an d make mistakes
t I al lo wed myself to
unkno w n, bu uld make
e al on g u nt il, eventually, I co
and stum bl ing;
kept writing, danc

Artwork
r m ys el f. I
discoveries fo like to
y w ay th at I could. I would
exploring in an would be too
in tu itively but that
say I re sp on de d e experiences
I ju st ke pt staying with th
generous – the
e, so m et im es simply sitting in
as they aros vely
d co nf u sion – other times acti
discomfort an

Literary
through them.
moving with and

Wooden Box
6 Feb 2008

Felt Sense
Companions

Life Review

95
 Chapter 4

Ways – Remembering the Processes

Introduction I set out in this chapter some descriptions of the processes that
I used in my research. This is followed by a chapter with a
more theoretical discussion of those methodologies which I have,
Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying at different stages, thought to have some bearing upon what I
with a purpose. actually did. I found the processes that I eventually arrived at were
Zora Neale Hurston (1942/1996, p. 143) invaluable to enable me to contain and reduce the hyperarousal
that the memory of the ordeals caused me, and simultaneously
to express grief. They are processes which allow the researcher
or therapist to apply her felt sense and intuition to the decisions
about how to proceed and at what pace she might safely proceed.

As part of this thesis you will find a second booklet, called Images
of a Research Enquiry. In it I have collected a series of photographs,
paintings and other artwork, which show some of the procedures,
activities and companions that I describe in this chapter. I hope
that you will dip into this booklet as you read this chapter, filling
out your understanding of what I was doing.

It is paradoxical that this chapter occupies so much of my thesis.

In truth, my enquiry has been driven by my story – by the inner
process itself; not by any pre-ordained methodology or any
result-oriented needs. For me, the authenticity of my enquiry
was paramount. I felt my way in choosing the methods, so that
identifying and articulating the methodology came later. Although
I read widely; reflecting on and recording my impressions of what
I discovered, I deliberately sought to avoid the risk that my enquiry
would become overwhelmed by the writings of academics. I saw
myself as a true re-searcher:

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Re-search with soul in mind, re-search that proceeds in My original impulse was, essentially, to enquire into my life story in
depth and from the depths, is about finding what has been order to make some sense of it and to relieve the pain I was feeling.
lost, forgotten, neglected, marginalized, or otherwise left This, I hoped, might enable me to form an inner attitude that was
behind. (Romanyshyn, 2007, p. xi)
practical, transpersonal and useful for my professional practice and
I saw myself as a seeker who was looking into herself, a searcher
for my clients. I wanted to find ways to record my story, to enable
of her true self.
me to reflect upon it. I also wanted to document what arose for
I wondered how my inner quest could possibly encompass the impetus me as I recorded the experiences, that is, my responses to the re-
towards the survival and the flourishing of humankind. Intrinsically I experiencing, in the hope that this would prove useful to others
sensed that what I must do was to find personal renewed strength and who might embark on such a venture. The subject matter was
clarity of purpose to assist either the person before me or to make a larger human meaning making and understanding. The original process
contribution to the whole. I was being asked to raise my present state of was simply the making of observations about my self, describing
awareness from “my story” to the “universal story”. them in an essentially qualitative way. I was encouraged by Warren
Journal, 5 January 2010 Lett’s statements about experiential research: that it is concerned
with making sense of aspects of lived experiencing, that it is “not
As will be seen, this perhaps audacious approach carried its
theory driven or hypothesis driven enquiry” (Lett, 2005, p. 2)
dangers. My delight towards the end, therefore, was all the more
and that it “moves from inner to outer representations and back,
intense when I discovered that what I had been doing did have a
in cycles of experiencing re-experiencing, and reflection upon
respectable academic basis. It fitted in with the work of organic
experiencing” (Lett, 2005, p. 2).
researchers. And, anyway, audacity in this context may not be such
Studies that try to make meaning of personal experiences
a bad thing. often have no reference group of prior construct against
We feel that same “audacity without precedent” as we which to be observed. And often there is no topic to be
recommend including personal feelings in research, a defined, but a search for meaningful continuity or patterns
practice alien to traditional methods. We know that this in someone’s lived experience. The meaning is to be found
encouragement of the personal voice of the researcher in the enquiry into their own current experiencing. (Lett,
immeasurably deepens the research and increases its 2005, p. 4)
transformational potential for the reader. (Clements,
Ettling, Jenett, & Shields, 1998, p. 119) He writes that, when the observed personal experiences cannot
be measured against an objective standard, another strategy may be
MIECAT was the context for this research. I came to that applied. The manner of observation, its fitness to convey authentic
institution in 2003 as a practising arts therapist who had studied states of being, and the way in which this is interwoven with, or
and practised transpersonal therapy. Looking back, it is clear that encapsulated in, conceptual frameworks, becomes the mode of
the MIECAT procedures were guiding my research, although, at formalised enquiry (Lett, 2005, p. 4).
the time, this was not at the forefront of my mind. I will in this
chapter identify parts of my enquiry which illustrate this.
Telling a story.
Warren Lett, the first director of MIECAT, wrote a paper entitled
Experiential Inquiry as Research (2005), which triggered all sorts of My research utilises the telling of my “story as an instrument of
reasons why, and ideas as to how, I wanted to go about the enquiry. the study” (Ettling, 2000, p 4). A story may be told in a range

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of voices; it is often emergent and always partial (Finlay, 2003, in these ways, new insights emerge (Somerville, 2006). As new
p. 109). It is a sample only of a larger complexity. Stories offer the thoughts come to mind, incremental awarenesses take hold. In my
opportunity to step into the world of another; to be transported story, the text weaves between questions, reflections, journaling,
into other experiences. Sometimes the power lies in what is not artwork, dreams, philosophical and theoretical writings and
written: we need to read between the lines. We need to hear the other accounts of experiencing. The processes and the content
silent voice and the silenced stories – the ones that will never see weave themselves together in a co-construction, each informing
the light of a public dissertation. We need to understand that the other. It is a disrupted form of representation (Somerville,
things around us may have significance far beyond their physical 2007, p. 226). As is usual in autoethnography, I want to show you,
substance. For me, truth is embedded in our storytelling; it brings rather than tell you, my story, accepting as Susan Chase suggests,
us face to face with reality – with what we understand or even what that this might “disrupt the politics of traditional research
we choose to bracket out or ignore. “Ignoring is an integral part of relationships, traditional forms of representation, and traditional
any knowing, since we have to turn away from what we cannot bear social science orientations to audiences” (2005, p. 660). If my
or fear to undertake” (Finlay, 2003, p. 101). By engaging in the work seems to display vagueness and lack of boundaries, with
story we turn back to meet this challenge for humankind. many elements of the story not synthesising into an obvious or
specific plot, it is because it is the story of a life – my life. It is a
I encourage the movement of concepts from head to the heart. But,
story about experiences that defy words. Like any narrative of the
as Chip Richards says, “when we tell information we speak to the
past, my story is a compilation of many recollected fragments – a
head, when we tell a story we speak to the experience of the other.
compilation of juxtaposed elements that are at times conflicting.
While facts are contained in a pool, stories run like a river” (2010,
It defies linear organization; it is not fixed in chronological time or
p. 12). Great societies, tribal cultures and luminaries have always
traditional form, and has frequently refused to submit to order or
used story and parable as a means of transferring wisdom. Hearing
clarity (Rossiter, 1999).
the stories of others helps us to connect, to be inspired and to
know that we are not alone. We often need to tell our own story, as
many Holocaust and trauma survivors have done, and we may have A quest narrative.
a wish for others to witness our story as a means of emancipating
it (Chase, 2005, pp. 667-668). In my masters thesis of 2005 I had examined my journalised
experiences of the six-month life of my grandson, Luca, in 2004.
I was hoping at some level that, if I turned and faced these demons of By reliving them, by recounting them and my response to them
the past, and the uncertainty of the future, perhaps I would be freer, and
in detail, I was undertaking what Louise de Salvo calls a healing
therefore able to understand more of what it means to live a life that is
narrative (2000). Arthur Frank would call it a quest narrative, for
truly based in the present moment. Jack Kornfield (1993, p. 330)
teaches that “When the stories of our life no longer bind us, we discover my grief and trauma following Luca’s death were the occasion
within them something greater.” of my journey that became my quest – a quest defined by my
belief that I had something to gain from the experience (1995,
Journal, 23 June 2006
p. 115). In my masters work I was engaged in an essentially heuristic
Therefore, I have chosen to present my thesis as a narrative. process – one of searching, deepening and expanding knowledge,
Narratives are stories that lie side by side; they float like confetti where I learnt, not only about the subject matter of the enquiry,
into our hands. Each time a piece of research is re-presented but also about myself (Moustakas, 1990). I began to move, as

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Louise de Salvo suggests, from “numbness to feeling, from denial Back and forth
to acceptance, from conflict and chaos to order and resolution, Movement between
from loss to profound growth, from grief to joy” (2000, p. 57). experiencing, exploring… in dwelling
It seemed that my doctoral research might be a continuation and reflecting
examining
amplification of this work and that it might bring a comparable
recording
benefit. explaining and
I soon discovered, however, that this enquiry was a larger and understanding
It is a spiralling process, co-creative in its very nature
more complex project, dealing with a broader spectrum of issues
which were much more deep-seated. I wondered whether the same Hesitation
approach would work? Clearly, Alan’s death was the singularly most and
impactful event in my life. However, as it turned out, it was not doubt as
solely his suicide that I was exploring. Nor was it my grief and I negotiated the journey
loss; these were only part of a larger canvas. The subject matter and made spontaneous,
here includes the reverberations of these events, and others, the sometimes random choices of
inner forces that haunted me, which rippled over and through me procedure,
for years afterward, and my reflections on them. My reflections on Some clearly decisive, others with uncertainty.
them have been made in the context of informing and deepening
Nevertheless,
my professional work as a therapist. despite the inherent risks
choices were made,
and eventually,
committed to.
Journal, September 2008

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 Chapter 4 Ways - Remembering the Processes

Decisions Made These exclusions meant that I have occasionally omitted pivotal
experiences that contain an intermingling of heartbreak and joy,
of tragedy and inspiration. By excluding material of this kind I
The thesis is driven by my story. Even so, I have made decisions have been unable to acknowledge the inspiration and gratitude I
to bracket out certain parts. I was aware that the movement of the owe both the situations and the people involved. I hope they will
work from the private to the public domain must affect the final understand. It has also meant that some of the life-giving aspects
decisions on what to include or not. I want to discuss how I made embedded in these difficult situations and important for me and
some of those decisions and what were the possible consequences for the story, remain outside these pages.
of those exclusions.

Pragmatic exclusions.
Ethical exclusions. In the name of logistical management, other exclusions were
… we write having asked the question “What can someone decided upon as part of the process of reducing this work to a
learn by reading about me?” Anyone who writes their own manageable size. At times, a line simply needed to be drawn to
story has to deal with this; how much to reveal – where to demarcate a boundary required by the limitation of my personal
draw the line, lift the veil, don the mask. energy.
Colin Webber (2009, p. 261)
How I came to make these decisions was relatively easy; it was the
First and foremost there have been some exclusions for ethical product of felt knowing and resonance. Eugene Gendlin speaks of
considerations. This is complex. Although I am the subject-matter felt sense as a bodily felt, implicitly rich “sense of some situation,
of my enquiry, I understand that, as Martin Tolich has observed, problem, or aspect of one’s life” (1996, p. 20) – a fleeting moment
“the self is porous” (2010, p. 1608), and that the interests of of knowing that is caught, respected and acted upon. In MIECAT
other people may be involved. I have therefore, either removed terminology this is called embodied knowing, since the cognitive
references that might involve others in my life, or obtained function is accompanied by bodily sensation, which gives an added
their informed consent. I am aware that the consequence of the dimension to the mental process of knowing. It was such a feeling,
exposure of private stories may be far-reaching, and potentially which guided me. I suspect that, underlying this, my intensely
damaging. It was important for me to exclude matters that might relational nature attracted me to that which was most intimate,
expose others, particularly my children. And there were things that immediate, practical and useful to my professional and personal
carried shame for me. I felt that, if they were made public, I risked interests. I did not, however, want to become an intimacy junkie,
further humiliation. Also, I am quite a private person and did not as that too can obstruct thinking and insight at other levels. The
want to burden others unnecessarily with my concerns. Following decisions to include, or not, reflect this.
my masters experience, however, I felt able to expose myself a
little. This meant that the journal and the thesis contain a mild All omissions carry consequences and these are difficult to assess
censorship and a tempered honesty. As Catherine Camden Pratt with certainty. One possible consequence, to which I shall return,
has observed in a similar circumstance, “In all that emerges, much is that they might produce a distorted or incomplete sense of my
will be hidden (2002, p. 4). experience – a one-sided and essentially grim picture. I accept that

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this is a risk. I am confident however that, notwithstanding the The decisions that I made will, I hope, bring clarity, transparency
censorship that I have imposed upon myself and my work, the and wisdom to this work. I want to offer you visibility of experience,
picture that I present is still a reasonably accurate representation demonstrating the relationship between that experience and the
of my experiences. treatment of it in my work, and exposing to you the mechanics
of this. I am also attempting to make this process clear, while,
at the same time, undertaking the process itself. This is often an
Topics not pursued. uncomfortable struggle and the process does not always appear
to have coherence. When all the pieces are assembled, the whole
Also, outside the scope of this dissertation are a number of
picture will emerge.
general cultural, environmental, social, political, and gender-based
considerations. These may impact significantly on who we are and
upon my discussion of the issues raised in this thesis, but, in the case
of many of them, I felt that a detailed examination would constitute
a distraction from my principal objective and would unnecessarily
clutter the work. Let me cite, as an example, feminist narratives.
They did not emerge strongly in my research as independent issues.
I made no conscious decision not to include them. It was not that
they were absent or that I wished to disregard them; it was just
that, for me, the literature on these matters somehow seemed to fall
away. Looking back, too, I am a little surprised that I did not draw
more upon the work of Rudolf Steiner, Carl Jung and Jean Gebser,
whose work has had a profound influence upon my thinking. I
learned instinctively to trust my assessment of particular material,
themes and patterns as being essential for inclusion. I was also
aware of the dangers of this.
In reaction to the overemphasis on thinking in research, we
can easily over-emphasise the place of embodied knowing
and emotion/valuing in experiential knowing. But, thinking
and imagining can also be understood as part of our
experiencing, along with sensing and feeling. (Liamputtong
& Rumbold, 2008a, p. 12)
Not only that, I learned to trust an embodied sense of decision-
making which took place in collaboration and conversations with
colleagues, through processes which included both logical and
logistical thought. As time went on my confidence in my felt sense,
my inherent somatic intelligence, strengthened.

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Writes of Passage the message that seemed always just beyond her grasp. Clues lead
to others, partial perspectives lead to broader perspectives and to
new, and sometimes unexpected, meanings. Insight emerges as the
I allow a different sort of writing to enable me to begin work proceeds. The writer begins to recognise the collection of
to articulate intangible concepts that are not quite there. parts that fit together and, like a sleuth, sees the picture evolve.
This writing enacts the process of these concepts coming
into being. Time and again I noticed how quotes, prose and subtle perceptions kept
reappearing in different forms and in different literature.
Margaret Somerville (2007, p. 240)
It was as if these morsels of wisdom, like song-lines, had crossed and
The labyrinthine construction of this chapter reflects the circular, conspired with each other through time and space.
complex and tender nature of the enquiry that is its subject matter. Journal, June 2008
It was written in bursts, fits and stammers. As I wrote I learned. I
I made use of literature and poetry to facilitate, to enhance and
often wrote, feeling my way into the silence of not knowing.
to deepen my understanding of life. I have included a number of
Each writing of a draft involved versions and circles of my own poems in this thesis. Poetry is able to put into words that
understanding that continually changed and shaped as the writing which could never be expressed in prose.
progressed; each draft became one of my methods of discovery and ... it is in poetry that one most vividly uses the new, even
provided an impetus for further investigation. In this way I sought bizarre juxtapositions that provide the refreshing and
the object of reflexivity – to establish an intimate connection instructive surprises of art. If form and the expression of
impulse or feeling are suddenly fused when painting departs
between myself and my research, so that my work is seen to
from its iconized conventions, it is much the same order of
have been filtered through my own experience and perspectives recombining that we know in poetry. (Bruner, 1993, p. 60)
(de Freitas, 2008, p. 471). But it did not stop there. True to the
fundamental nature of reflexivity, considering and reconsidering, A more poetic frame of mind can go some way at least to
planning and replanning took place in every draft. This process releasing us from those constraints and allowing us to break with
of multiple revising permeated every aspect of the work (Finlay & conventional ways of seeing and describing things (Crotty, 1996).
Gough, 2003b). Over and over again, the poetry of Rumi, Rainer Rilke, John
O’Donohue and T. S. Eliot found their way into my work. Their
Stories within stories within stories, a human narrative is so complex poems “have a feeling of being written from a great depth. …
it seems. I am in multiple places at the same time – telling the stories, and they speak to the reader so intimately. They seem whispered
explaining the story, re-reading the stories, interacting with the literature, or crooned into our inmost ear, insinuating us towards the same
challenging my ideas, critiquing myself, challenging the very reason for
depth in ourselves” (Anderson, 1998, p. 73). The small still voice
writing.
of their wisdom can be heard when the mind is quiet and centred
Journal, 25 August 2008 in meditation and contemplation. The voice of the heart does not
The writing acted as a frame which contains the puzzle pieces as shout: it whispers and it appears in images, poetry and metaphor. I
they move around, little by little forming themselves into a coherent therefore include the voices of these poets; they have become part
picture (de Salvo, 2000). Writing helps the writer, as well as the of the framework of my own understanding and, at times, a way of
reader, to suspect, then to anticipate and, ultimately, to recognise validating a barely imperceptible felt sense. I allow them to speak
for themselves.

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Remembering the Way

Literary companions as lamps. me as well. It serves as a “validation procedure for the researcher’s
particular intuitive insights and syntheses” (Anderson, 1998,
I engaged with the literature, both popular guides and academic p. 73), a topic I shall return to in chapter 7.
studies, as one would have a conversation with a companion. I
employ the ideas of others not only to inform me, but also to There are certain writings, like those of Shaun McNiff, Jack
mirror or to amplify what I think, and sometimes to challenge it. Kornfield and Pema Chödrön, which I have turned to so many
And it is by this means I come to understand what is not yet quite times that, perhaps, I can no longer distinguish the original source.
completely known to me. They have become part of the weft and warp in the fabric of
my understanding. Like Robyn Vickers-Willis, for whom many
I had conversations and debates with the literature. At times I did not writings and literature “have become part of my unconscious
want to hear its dissonant messages. In the early days I did not always furniture, I do hope those authors, whoever they are, wherever they
want my own weaknesses to be challenged. I wanted to strengthen my are, will forgive me and take it as a compliment rather than an act
understandings and hold my own intuitive knowings as intelligent.
of theft” (Vickers-Willis, 2002, p. 353).
Often I used the voice of literature as if it were my own because it offered
succinct wisdom that was smoothly and exquisitely crafted. Its eloquence Other scraps of written fragments and ideas often re-presented
soothed my clumsiness and polished my raw and primitive ideas that themselves as my travels took me through landscapes from the
were yet to be developed. More often the literature visited me in times of past. They floated in like long forgotten lovers come to touch me
confusion. It offered understanding, other perspectives, order, overviews, gently with wisdom gathered in a previous time. Some are therefore
clarity, inspiration, and wisdom from roads well travelled. It helped me
without attribution. I ask that you, their unknown creators, see this
to stay in unfamiliar terrain and find ways of moving forward. And it
as your anonymous contribution to my work. You are the invisible
offered welcome hope.
The literature taught me and guided me through many treacherous times spirits that have helped put my words together. I am indebted to
when my world was too narrow. It gave me a voice when I could not you all.
speak, eyes when I could not see, ears when I could not hear, and most
importantly courage when I was failing.
It would nestle amongst my own ideas, sometimes challenging me,
crippling me, or comforting me. It gave substance to different voices of my
own psyche and mind. It gave dialogue to the monologue.
Journal, Saturday 9 Sept 2008

At times it is not until I read some of the words of others, hear

a speaker or receive a response from someone, that I can reach a
rich or full understanding of my own experiences. This process of
inter-subjective dialogue enables me to distance myself sufficiently
to gain an objective overview of those experiences.

When I read I realise that I am not the only person to have these
experiences or to be thinking in this manner. I recognise, through
“sympathetic resonance” that the experience of another lives in

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 Chapter 4 Ways - Remembering the Processes

Writing environment. Boxes of memorabilia.

I was called to write different parts of the thesis from different geographical One of the important tasks of this enquiry was to scour through
locations, (just like I found myself in different homes during different my six boxes of memorabilia, five cardboard and one wooden,
parts of the process). I think that one often needs to find or create an which included scores of old personal journals, cards, intimate
environment outside everyday reality in order to listen deeply and to write letters, photos, artwork, and an assortment of ephemera. I was so
effectively from that place. I needed a liminal time and place to allow my daunted by the task that it took nearly three years before I could
mind and heart to expand into creative and contemplative spheres.
bring myself to undertake it.
I noticed I played particular pieces of music and burnt certain essential
oils as a way of altering my consciousness so that I could attune with
the current stage of the enquiry. I even wore a certain pieces of clothing
at different stages. For example in my un-combed cat and cross-eyed hen
stage (Estés, 1998, p. 185), it was my shabby old cardigan, my worn-
out slippers and a hot water bottle that I needed.
Journal, 16 July 2009, at Amberley Retreat Centre

I am a person who is particularly responsive to the environment

in which I find myself, and this is reflected in the journal entries.
There were times when I wrote at the studio where I work or
at a place of retreat or holiday. In the silence of a retreat or in
meditation, I can wait a little more patiently for the question to
provide an answer in itself; I can wait for the emotion to find its
form, and for the form to find me. I choose in this way to sense
and to explore the question or the emotion; so that it truly lives in Boxes of Memorabilia, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, Easter 2008.
me. I can be content with the emptiness without needing a result.
I had shifted house more than a dozen times in as many years
Perhaps we simply need time alone to unwind, to do nothing, to catch up before I started this enquiry. The contents of the boxes were
with ourselves; to read, to paint, to think, to feel. Time to look backward themselves a distillation after each clearing out. What I wanted
and forward, to speak and to listen, to celebrate and to mourn, to lay
to do was to sort, or even more precisely, to gather up all of these
things down and to take up new challenges. Time to pray and time to think
contents in a number of neat bundles, to swaddle them in silk and
about our lives and our relationships. And still I think that I need time
tie them firmly with a bow. But it wasn’t as easy as that. Enmeshed
alone in quietness to regain some sense of my own centre by reclaiming
myself. in the contents were memories both painful and beautiful. Really,
I wanted to turn to all of the demons and angels that might be
Journal, 18 May 2005, on retreat Pallotine Retreat College
lurking in the strange places of my life’s experiences, and to face
I have therefore, sought to include in some of the journal entries a them. I wanted to know if the demons were, in fact, daimons.
reference to where I was when I made them.

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I did not consciously know that was what I wanted to do; but I collages and pieces of poetry, and had used dance and movement
did not want the past to hold so much power over me. Like the as a way of coming to know themes and essence statements.
mythical Pandora, when I opened up the boxes, I released a flood This creativity was of critical importance on my journey, but,
of emotions that had long overshadowed my life. All along, I guess surprisingly, not so much of this has found its way into the final
I hoped for some epiphany, some understanding, and certainly for thesis. This was largely, as I have previously mentioned, because I
some relief from these emotions. Eventually, I stopped the fight. felt the need to activate my inferior left-brain function as part of
For a long time I lay in the arms of the angels and the demons the healing process and find my way in the relatively unfamiliar
from the boxes. I surrendered. I prayed. I gave up. I danced. I gave world of words.
in. I fought. And, in the end, I sat with them, hearing their stories.
All the same, I place my work essentially in the field of arts-based
research. This research can be represented in many forms, including
Artwork and arts-based research. dance, ritual and visual art; it can exist in the space within
imprecise boundaries (Finley, 2008). I imagine this deviation
I said to myself, “What is this I am doing, it certainly is not from convention may be a little confronting to people who prefer
science, what is it?” Then a voice said to me, “That is art”.
control and more traditional confines. Susan Finley states that
Carl Jung (1989a, p. 42) this form of research “makes use of emotive, affective, senses, and
bodies, and imagination and emotion as well as intellect, as ways
Visual representations of thoughts and experiences held great value
of knowing and responding to the world” (2008, p. 72). This gives
for me. I have included some throughout this work. I used them
permission to ascribe particularised meaning from experience and
as a way of expressing things for which I had no adequate words.
considers the nature of the form this might take. It is also useful
When we engage in artistic activity we often find that
experiences from other aspects of our lives rise up in our to broaden research so that it may be accessible to non-academic
consciousness. For example, we may be struggling with an audiences (Finley, 2008, p. 73) and speak to, and on behalf of, and
idea we have been studying. Then, as we paint, or write across the boundaries of gender, race, sexual orientation, cultural
poetry, we suddenly have an “Aha” experience, grasping and educational domains. As Susan Finley observes, “Arts-based
more intuitively what our heads were wrestling with. At inquiry is uniquely positioned as a methodology for radical, ethical,
first, the thought is seemingly unrelated, but then we see and revolutionary research that is futuristic, socially responsible,
that the particular color or image is actually the thought
transformed. (Staley, 1999, p. 197) and useful in addressing social inequities” (Finley, 2008, p. 71). If
our research is to make a difference then it needs to communicate
Sometimes images were helpful when I felt blocked. On other wisdom, confront conservative values and educate a larger audience.
occasions they provided a means of relief from the stresses of the It needs to speak in a multitude of ways, on an everyday level to
enquiry. Even though meaning is a notoriously vague concept, at everyday people, which is where political change and social justice
the time the images were created, they were significant and carried can be activated.
meaning for me.

I expected that art would play an important role in the ultimate

construction of my work. It was, after all, a medium with which
I felt comfortable. I had created many works of art, mappings,

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The journal. moment when I needed it most and when it seemed that I was at
a dead end.
Not without effort and, at times, with a Zen-like focus, I wrote
a journal of some 250,000 words, over six years. I created and During the six years of the journal, coincidence and synchronicity
reviewed over 300 pieces of personal art and various mappings. In became a pronounced feature of my experience. This thesis
this way I tried as honestly as I could, to describe my emotions and is littered with examples. Often I would be troubled by some
feelings as they occurred, so that they became, in their different question, only to find that the answer was offered to me in a dream
modes, representations of my experiences, which formed the or in a book that I had opened, expecting it to be on another
data from which, I was to explore their meaning. I stayed with topic. Sometimes, I would simply wait, letting myself live into the
journaling both the present experiences and the evocation of past question until the answer presented itself. There were times when
recollections. At the time I deliberately resisted any temptation to I prayed for guidance and my prayers were, more often than not,
put a label on what I was recording, preferring to let the experience heard. I became aware of the encouraging and supportive presence
unfold. I spiralled between past, present and future, abandoning of a spirit or daimon, who I called a guiding spirit, who seemed to
logical strategies and surrendering to the emergent moment, be watching over me and helping me on my way (Elbrecht, 2006,
trusting and hoping that this in itself was a valuable process. As a p. 40).
central tenet I trusted that this process of self-discovery, although I seem to be following my nose, or is it my heart? Or is it intuition?
my steps were for the most part halting and tentative, would lead Or is it the Hand of Grace? Smartly, I could call it an Emergent
me out and through to a greater understanding of myself and a Process. But what is that? ... what is it about synchronicity, serendipity,
compassion for others. “fortuitous accidents”… what is it that leads me on despite my (self-
imposed) limitations?
Journal, 30 March 2006
Helpers and aids.
Yet I was cautious in acting upon the spirit’s directions, preferring
The myth of Psyche and Eros is one that returns to me. She, like to see them as suggestions. There were times when he seemed to be
I, was a wounded child who found love and then lost it. She, like playing the role of the trickster.
I, had to undergo an initiation by trial, including her descent into
the underworld, in order to become mature and able to act in both Also in the last three weeks or so there have been many synchronicities
existential and archetypal worlds (Houston, 1987, p. 154). In her that would have easily and seductively led me to conclusions too quickly.
despair, she found help that enabled her to perform her impossible What I have done is let a little time wash over them and let them be seen
tasks. She learnt to partner nature and listen deeply for the wisdom as synchronicities and not absolutes.
within. Her world, in the form of the ants, the reeds, the eagle Journal, 15 December 2006
and the tower, came to her aid. I, too, had helpers and aids on my
Synchronicities were such an important part of my enquiry that I
journey, but of a different kind.
treated them as another of the many helpful processes (Elbrecht,
I have previously acknowledged the assistance which I received 2006, p. 40), which I used in the writing of the journal.
from so many friends and colleagues. What I would like to say
at this point is how many times this seemed to happen just at the

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Life review. have undertaken the Twelve Step Program, used by Alcoholics
Anonymous (Alcoholics-Anonymous, 2011). This includes as the
… I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have fourth step: “to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of
patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to
ourselves”. By undertaking my own moral inventory I wanted to
try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked
rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t understand its use in working with people in the field of addiction.
search for the answers, which could not be given to now, Each of these methods required the undertaking of a rigorous
because you would not be able to live them. And the point and systematic life review. Professionally I have worked in aged
is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, and palliative care, implementing programs that I have called Life
someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even Stories. By reflecting on the past, people were able to gather, sort
noticing it, live your way into the answer.
and sift through their memories, as they approached their final
Rainer Maria Rilke (1903/1986, pp. 34-35) years. It was work I loved.
By life review I do not mean the psychic phenomenon in which As part of this research enquiry, I set aside time to review my
a person in a near-death experience or at some other moment life, using strategies not unlike the Alcoholics Anonymous moral
of crisis sees her life flash before her; I refer to the process of inventory. I wanted also to focus on the virtues of gratitude and
consciously looking back over our life with the view of honouring kindness as much as possible. This, too, was easier said than done.
and healing the past. It seemed that I needed, at the same time, to clean the filmy layers
The life review goes on beneath the surface of past action that covered my heart, so that I could genuinely experience and
to the states of mind from which these acts originated. It offer gratitude.
examines the emotional attachment to the shadows these Just as everyone has things to be grateful for, there are
previous actions cast in the present. This process of looking events that we may wish had never happened. And they
back needs to be accomplished with very soft eyes and an left memories that still seem unresolved, surrounded by,
accepting heart. If we look back with hard eyes, judgmental and often associated with states of remorse, guilt and self-
and unforgiving, almost no one can stand the view. loathing on one hand, and frustration, anger, and even
(S. Levine, 1997, p. 21) fantasies of revenge on the other. These painful memories
like any other pain, call out for relief. They are the crux of
Stephen Levine, who has dedicated years to groundbreaking work
our unfinished business. (S. Levine, 1997, p. 71)
with hospice patients, says that life review is a practice that is
helpful, even for those who are not at the end of life. Drawing upon I wanted, not only to tie up some unfinished business, but also to
the tradition that urges us to live as if there were no tomorrow, he honour significant people and teachers – to offer forgiveness to
suggests that the practice of life review is one, which might be some and to ask it from others.
followed throughout our lives.
But the undertaking of such a review in this enquiry was somehow
I had had some experience of life review, or variants of it, before quite different from my previous experiences. It was less systematic.
I commenced my enquiry in 2005. In the years following my Sorting through my many boxes of memorabilia became its focus.
husband’s death, I worked with biographical counsellors to reflect I discuss this in some detail later. I allowed spontaneous memories
on the seven-year cycles of my life from an anthroposophical to keep arising. I was, somehow, burrowing underneath the
point of view. Apart of my training in transpersonal art therapy, I memories to unlock something deeper, to understand the themes
worked with the Progoff Intensive Journaling Program (Progoff, that ran through my life. I now know that it was myself that I was
1992), and have maintained the practice of keeping a journal. I unlocking and hoping to set free

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Dreams and lamp posts. at me from all sides; that I should slow down, pause and give
myself time to build up my strength. Let me give you an example.
Listening and recognising our dreams is a Soul-making At the time of this dream I was feeling exhausted and traumatised
activity, readily available to all of us, which enhances the
by the enquiry.
movement forward of the individuation process, both of
the individual and for mankind. I am in a car, turning a gentle corner. I am slowing right down and I
Peter O’Connor (1988, p. 189) get booked. It is a woman police officer. She is calm. I was doing 51 in
a 50 zone.
Dreams were important guiding lights; for me they were indeed She still books me. I am in rage. I go at her in frustration. I cannot afford
a royal road to the divine. They showed an inner authenticity to be booked. I yelled. I am angry. I want to punch her. I’m desperate.
driving my methodology. Many nights, as my body slid into my But I was only doing 51! I feel a sense of injustice. I was, after all,
welcoming bed, as the sheets enveloped my tiredness, I surrendered trying to slow down.
to the peace of the night by sending an invitation for a dream to Journal, 18 September 2008, 6 am
guide and orientate me. Very often I was not disappointed. In the
soft gentleness of the early morning I would catch these whispers The wise woman inside me, my guardian spirit, is telling me that
of wisdom. I would record them in my journal, as they provided I am travelling too fast; that I should slow down or stop. The
guidance, warnings, encouragements and insights for my enquiry. anxious doctoral student, who wants to press on notwithstanding
The heart dream foretold my enquiry process and the edge dream the harm this might cause her, resents and resists the warning. But,
and altar dream described the culmination. The poet Rumi was nonetheless, I follow the wise woman’s advice.
well aware of the value of such messages: Omens, too, like lamp posts on a dark night, point in the same
night is the bringer of gifts direction.
… My car was unavoidably hit again for the fourth time this morning.
all night long On the earlier occasions it was parked. I was not in it. I am still being
a voice calls upon you
knocked about, but my car is taking it for me. This time I was actually
to wake up
in the precious hours stationary, but about to inch forward when I was hit.
Slowly, gently perhaps, I can re-enter the topside world, but perhaps not
if you miss yet the incident is warning me. I have no “drive” at the moment, no push
your chance now whatsoever. I am not used to being so passive. I cannot imagine how my
your soul will lament thesis will ever be completed.
when your body is left behind. Journal, 5 November 2008

Jelaluddin Rumi (2006, p. 122) True to the tenets of organic enquiry, I take notice of these and
other signposts from the intentional field.
I had many dreams of being lost and trying to find my way. I had
frequent dreams that commanded me to stop or slow down. I saw
them as the voice of my inner wisdom alerting me that I was not
then able to integrate psychically the experiences that were coming

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Mind mapping. in the research project”(McNiff, 2000, p. 151). The central focus
relevant to the next steps, and in relation to the overall picture,
Travellers in strange places need maps, and so did I. But, like the became apparent by using some discipline and discrimination
process itself, my maps were not straightforward; they followed my during the mind mapping process.
mind’s ways – looking around corners, exploring crannies, creating
detours and searching for the subtle thread that I was to follow. Mind mapping also, quite magically, bypassed the censorship of
my critic. As a technique for making choices in an environment
Chaos and disorder were characteristics of the process of my of confused complexity, mind mapping was like the shuffling of
descent into the underworld. Clustering and mind mapping rose chromosomes in a randomised way until there appeared a mutation
up like imaginative remedies to assist with the multiple realities, that grabbed at my immediate attention. This relieved my anxiety
and the lack of fixity in the dynamic and organic process I so often about making decisions that were the right ones – the process itself
found myself in. caused the decisions to come forward. It allowed fragmentation,
wholeness, metaphors, tensions, paradox, rhythms and images to
In form, my maps appear to be organic things; they wind and move
present themselves, initially without shape. Mind mapping was a
as if they have a life of their own. They contain lists and bubbles of
procedure that I found to be invaluable.
clustered ideas connected by wandering lines as one thought leads
to another. Drawing them was, for me, a kind of brainstorming
or a graphic free-writing process (Rico, 2000). Whenever I found
myself lost or seeking direction, I would cluster my ideas in a
mind map and, in this way, I could acknowledge all the ideas and
still reduce them by bracketing out those that did not actually
represent the core of my experience. This enabled me to discover
what demanded my immediate attention and what themes I should
work with. I was in this way able to reduce and then amplify
some aspect of my enquiry that was troubling me, widening and
deepening it until a resonance with the core theme emerged. It also
served to bring to my mind aspects of the enquiry and pockets
of imagination that I may have lost sight of. What I found was
that, as I repeated the process over the years, this mapping process
consistently showed me the way forward.

An inherent difficulty was the inclination to engage with every

subject and idea that caught my attention in the research enquiry.
This resulted in more fragmentation of a mind that was already
fatigued and frazzled by the reactivation of trauma memories.
This need to find focus is especially complicated when the central
nucleus of the enquiry only emerges towards the end, and because
“there is a lingering fear that (each new idea) may be the best idea

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Mind Maps, Jenni Harris, 2008.

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Following the Thread Instinct.

I had set out on a journey in the dark, with a tiny lamp and a ball
If we discover the right method, the one which is in of thread, and only a faint idea of where I wanted to go. With the
synchrony with our interests and experiences, it will encouragement of a guiding spirit, I followed the ways indicated
constantly unfold new meanings and possibilities, provide by instinct. I simply followed the intuitive thread. The wise words
order, and ensure consistency, while encouraging depth and of Shri Saraswati show how I did it.
complexity. Even if you only possess a little light, that is fully capable
Shaun McNiff (2000, p. 151) of taking you to reach your ultimate goal. Do not be afraid
that your own power is so little, so negligible. Maybe it is
little, maybe it is not illuminating the whole of your path,
but, whenever you move forward, it will illuminate the path
immediately in front of you and, as you go ahead, it will
provide light further ahead. There is no need to lose heart.
(Saraswati, 2000, pp. 99-100)
Intuition and instinct were essential aspects of my process but I
was concerned that they might not be seen as appropriate guides
for a research enquiry. I am, however, encouraged by the work
of Nora Taylor (1996), Holly Reed (1999) and Shanti Persaud
(2000) whose research was guided by such processes. My trust
in intuition and instinct reflects my inclination towards the right-
brain approach over traditional intellect-based rationality. I look
for an acknowledgement of the importance of mystery, of the non-
physical – the spiritual, the mythic – in any explanation of human
behaviour. All of this requires me to consider my experiences and
to meditate upon my life, and to do so at a pace that is reflective of
the timelessness of spirituality.

I have made much mention of intuition, of the unseen thread

that guided me and which informed my decision-making. In
some contexts I have said that I followed my felt sense, in others,
that I responded to an inner call. Joseph Campbell is said to
have encouraged his students to “follow their bliss”, to follow
their inner guidance according to a greater plan without always
knowing exactly what this plan might be (Elbrecht, 2006, p. 41).
When I made an intuitive decision, my intuition did not operate
in a vacuum, but was informed by my dispositions, inherited

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and acquired, including my previous study and research, and my subjective response, once again provides an access point into the
emotional state at the time. These will inevitably have influenced next stage of my enquiry.
the decisions I made, often without my being aware of this.
But focussing is not enough. It is not easy to remain focussed
This is particularly relevant when I speak in this chapter of pursuing on a theme that is continually changing. And I was frequently
my enquiry instinctively and intuitively, with a secondary regard confronted with enticing lines of enquiry, which I could not and
for predetermined methods. As the section about the wooden box would not ignore. I bracketed these into my enquiry by faithfully
will show, I was in fact following established MIECAT procedures, recording them in the journal. Like Alice in Wonderland, I did
although this was not at the time in the forefront of my mind. not resist every allurement and often found myself in a tunnel
This may well have been the consequence of these procedures without a map, curious if I would find precious nuggets – a tunnel
being deeply embedded in my thinking. It was only later, when I that eventually emerged in places far from my intended path. The
was reflecting upon the process for the purpose of writing up my image of the rhizome has been used in this context (Isaac, 2007;
research, that this became more apparent. Sermijn, Devlieger, & Loots, 2008), but it does not fully carry
the picture, which remains with me, of a person stumbling in the
dark along caverns which lead to unknown places, or which lead to
Catching thoughts. an irrelevance – a person whose only guides were her tiny lantern
held high, but barely shining beyond her next footstep, and the
When my body begins to feel numb and tired, when my eyelids
glimmers of the many glow-worms which encouraged her to keep
are heavy, and my gut is churning, I close down. This is my body
going.
speaking, non-verbally. I listen to my body because I respect its
wisdom. There is a subtle micro-shift, an inaudible bell that sounds
a warning me that I have too much unnecessary information, that
Slowing down.
it will distract me from my core task. When I wonder whether to
pursue a line of enquiry that seems to hold promise, I rely upon my My enquiry allowed for themes and perspectives to emerge in
bodily felt sense to identify the keywords – the words that inwardly their own time as I enquired gently, but persistently, until my heart
reverberate. was touched. Like the ancient process of lectio divina, I read until
I needed to stop. Sometimes it was only one sentence. Then I
My eyes stray to an evocative postcard that Jean Rumbold, my
considered in all sorts of ways what I had read and what it meant
supervisor, has sent to me. It shows an old cathedral with light
to me. Sometimes an old unexpected memory popped up – a glow-
pouring in one single window. The image reminds me that it is
worm which pointed me to other places. It was not uncommon
critical to keep my focus now. Then I remember Jean has told me
for me to cry at the sheer beauty and heartbreak of a memory or
that this is a photo that she took of the remnants of a wall of
invoked image. I received from it what arose within me.
some cathedral ruins. All that remained was part of a wall with
the light-filled window. The tenor of Jean’s message was reinforced: I pick up a book, Tree Full of Angels (Wiedekehr, 1988) and I
even though the walls have collapsed I should stay focused on the begin to read. It was the ascetics of the Middle Ages who began to develop
singular source of light. What is also important, in this instance, lectio divina as a process leading to inner reflection. Wiedekehr outlines
is that, what I glean from my own inner resonance to the inter- the four stages of this form of divine reading; reading, meditation, prayer
and contemplation and she adds a fifth one herself, that of journaling. This

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Benedictine tradition and practice is to read until your heart is touched, letters that may be consoling to people in moments of
then stop reading and begin your contemplation from that point. discouragement, pain or joy. (Wiedekehr, 1988, p. 58)
Journal, 16 August 2009, Sunday morning in bed. Journaling was, of course, a central part of my enquiry. For me, it
was both a means of enquiry and a therapeutic process by which I
What appeals to me about what Macrina Wiedekehr says about
was able to reflect upon my thoughts and feelings, and record them
lectio divina is that this special way of reading is –
for use in this thesis.
a slow, reflective reading, reading with a longing to be
touched, healed, and transformed by the Word. It is not at Journaling is an ongoing mirroring process – seeing, not
all, then, a hurried reading. It is quality reading rather than seeing; naming, unnaming. It is a work in process, not
quantity. … To be fully nourished by the richness hidden in product. The process is life itself. The journal becomes a
these words you must hover over them slowly and reverently psychic home where the ambiguities that lie at the heart
as one who is certain of finding a treasure. Your search for of the mystery are expressed, not explained. Parts we bring
the treasure, then, is not a desperate, hurried, frantic search. to consciousness; parts cannot yet be unveiled. (Woodman,
Rather, you search calmly and with assurance. You will et al., 1993, p. 351)
find the treasure. You will be fed. You will be transformed.
(Wiedekehr, 1988, p. 52)
I found myself doing just this – reading and then contemplating Cycles of searching.
until I found resonance. I would stop, reflect and turn it over in my
I went through many cycles of enquiry and reflection, and here I
mind. It was like doorway to the next point of enquiry. Above all,
describe just one of them as an example of how I experienced the
I needed to overcome my desire to “get finished”. It was a different
process as an embodied, intuitive and organic one.
way of re-searching, it was a patient enquiry made with a humble
and vulnerable heart, with a reverence for the subject matter and The well-known passage from the Old Testament about there
the process, and an openness to the wisdom, guidance and even the being a season for all things floats in unexpectedly. I wonder why
blessing which it offered. “We are all hurrying into progress. And this seems so important to me. A guiding spirit seems again at
for all our hurrying, we lose sight of our true nature little more hand to offer me help. Two weeks later, I come across a passage in
each day” (Wiedekehr, 1988, p. 53). a book by Barbara Stevens Sullivan, which sheds light on my choice
of those verses from Ecclesiastes.
Feminine time is periodic and rhythmic; it is the time of the
Journaling thoughts. Book of Ecclesiastes reminding us there is a time to be born
and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to reap, a time
Macrina Wiedekehr also has a beautiful way of regarding journaling; of joy and time of woe. From a feminine perspective one
I journal because it is a way of celebrating my prayer. I sees cycles of fertility, growth, birth, withdrawal, decline,
journal because it is one way of being present to the life and death. Each of these kinds of time is equally valid,
that unfolds on my path each day. I journal because I am equally intrinsic and necessary for the wholeness of life.
filled with thoughts that I must do something with, lest I A feminine perspective recognises the necessity of death
explode with beauty or pain or yearning. I journal because for the continuance of life, and that consequently accepts
people come to me seeking ways to be holy, and since I all the metamorphic deaths that fill our days: the death of
have nothing of my own to give them, writing down what hope, the death of a marriage, the death of a plan. (Sullivan,
God gives me in prayer can be helpful. I journal because it 1990, p. 26)
is a way of saving the graced moments … to use in future

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The image of the circle is one which I hold strongly. This is the I shake my head, bemused by the different ways of knowing. My
shape of the labyrinth; it is reflected in the spiral image that I had body responds – its movement giving meaning to my feelings.
in the heart dream, and which best describes the progress of my My arms spontaneously move out in a gesture of expansion, as
journey. “It is not so much that we go anywhere, but that we fill if all the heavens, above and below, and the far horizons are being
out” (Pearson, 1989, p. 154). It reflects in the rotation of the gathered into a singular contracted gesture, as my hands gently
seasons and the seven-year cycles of the spirit. The circle, rather fold themselves over my heart. All is contained here; the universal
than the straight line, has always been associated with the feminine. within the personal. One informs the other. William Blake, artist
The circle is inclusive; it does not exclude. The symbol and mystic, captured it as only an inspired poet can do –
of the feminine is the circle, exemplified in the womb, the
vessel, and the grail. Women tend to cluster; they like being To see a World in a Grain of Sand
related, helpful, and connected. They have always done And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
things together, like sewing, quilting, pickling, and watching Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
children in the park. They ask each other for support, and And Eternity in an hour
they celebrate each other’s accomplishments. “Women have Auguries of Innocence (1988, p. 490)
always met in circles – facing one another like colleagues,
no one with authority or power over the other” (Wilshire My understanding has now completed a full circle. Blake’s were the
& Wilshire, 1989, p. 82). (Murdock, 1990, pp. 173-174) words that were placed under my husband’s photograph after his
death. In this moment, I emerge from the cold dark tunnel to bathe
I reflect on the cycles of my research, including the cycles of
in the experience of love; I feel strengthened and restored by this
responding: from experiences, to responses to experience, to
creative exploration and encouraged to continue it.
reflections on the response, to the representation of this by art-
making, to dialogue with relevant literature, to inter-subjective
responses from colleagues and then to the temporary crystallisation
of some approximation of meaning. I realise there are many phases
to the process.

There is a time to plant,

A time to nurture, and a time to gestate;
A time to create, a time to rest, a time to harvest,
And for me now is a time to focus, to incorporate and synthesise material
… and to keep going….
Journal, 24 August, 2009

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The Wooden Box life of their own and I suspected that, released again, they might,
like the evils in Pandora’s box, wreak their mischief upon me once
more. Returning to the boxes was a task that had always filled me
The Wooden Box with more than a little dread. My journal records how it was not
Holder of the Most Intimate. until 2008, three years after commencing my enquiry, that I could
Letters bring myself to open the boxes of memorabilia and to release the
Heart Wrenching ogres and dragons that I believed to lurk within.
Family Letters
I simply cannot face going through old photos and memories today. My
Journal, 1 July 2008 resistance is huge; I don’t feel I am able to face the past by myself at the
In her extraordinary book, Ordinarily Sacred, Linda Sexson moment. The room I have placed all these things in is like a huge ogre. I
(1995)… tells the story of an old man who showed her a feel bereft.
china cabinet filled with items related to his deceased wife. Journal, 5 May 2006
This was a sacred box, she says, in the tradition of the Ark
of the Covenant and the Christian Tabernacle. In this sense, It was Easter 2008 – Easter, a time of death and rebirth – that I
a box of special letters or other objects kept in the attic is a undertook this task in order that I could begin to write about their
tabernacle, a container of holy things. … We can all create contents and my response to them. Of this process I will say that it
sacred books and boxes – a volume of dreams, a heart-felt
diary, a notebook of thoughts, a particularly meaningful was a most heart-wrenching and painful experience, which effected
album of photographs – and thus in a small but significant me emotionally for some time. It was an experience I did not want
way can make the everyday sacred. This kind of spirituality, to repeat too soon. And yet, my enquiry required that I find a way
so ordinary and close to home, is especially nourishing to to do it. It was nearly three years before I was ready to pluck up
the soul. the courage to approach the contents once again and to write them
Thomas Moore (1994, p. 215) into this part of my thesis.

I will now describe how a small wooden box provided the entry In early September 2010 I set up on the large table in the studio
point into this part of my enquiry. It is this box, one of the six a good deal of the miscellany of items that represented much
boxes of memorabilia, which holds, metaphorically, the heart of of the research data that I had gathered over the past five years
my enquiry. This provides a practical example of the methods - books, journals, artworks, photographs, objects and symbols. I
that I used on many occasions throughout my research. I have, exercised no judgment about the value of the items at this stage;
however, slowed the process down and recorded it step by step if it concerned my enquiry it was laid on the table to enable me to
to demonstrate exactly what I did and to give you an example of reflect on the whole process to date. I clustered them into groups
MIECAT processes in action, which I discuss in chapter 5. Let me in order to discover which of them held most resonance.
tell you about it.

In September 2010 I was preparing myself to commence the

writing of this chapter. This involved me once more undertaking
the daunting task of returning to old memories – emotionally
charged memories of times past. Inevitably, these memories had a

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what you might be. This is the place of creative incubation.

At first you might find that nothing happens there. But if
you have a sacred place and use it, something will eventually
happen. (1991, p. 115)

Research Altar, digital photograph, Jean Rumbold, 7 September

2010.

What I remembered as sorting, was this stage of clustering, the

gathering of data representing the experience to be explored. Now,
like Psyche with the advice of the eagle for her third task, I needed
to stand back and find the right place to dip into the stream to Preparing the Kitchen Table Altar, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 15
recover the elusive goblet of water. I was no longer the subject, September 2010.
but the researcher. My eyes were drawn to the wooden box as the I placed on it anything that I thought might be relevant to this
epicentre. Not any box – it was a box made with love, elegance chapter. I bracketed them into the process On it I placed some of the
and grace by my daughter, Gretta. It has always been an object of books and articles plus thirty or more photos, a dozen postcards
significance. It is where I have kept the most intimate letters from and images that I had collected from the day in the studio. I
my family. I photographed it and then proceeded to dismantle my selected from my journal a number of entries which concerned
research altar. the task of sorting the memorabilia. These I laid out on the altar.
A week later, on 15 September I was at home, about to start writing In this way I used multi-modal representations of the experience to
the next chapter of my thesis. I prepared another altar of objects, show its different aspects.
this time on the kitchen table. I saw my kitchen table collection as The entries on this and the next page are all from my journal of
an altar. I often create an altar as an invitation to the divine and a 15 September 2010.
way of centring myself. Making this kitchen table altar was a ritual,
a sacred act in itself. It provided yet another canvas for reflection, I clear the space to prepare for another start on the next journey – the
for gathering thoughts, memories and symbols. It was my vessel for section of the thesis describing how I did it. I’m mindful of not becoming
now. It was a place, where, as Joseph Campbell puts it – overwhelmed and re-traumatised. Perhaps I’ve learned something from
you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and past experiences. To do things in steps, stages and increments and to pause

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in-between to help me to remain mindful, and to resist being sucked into I am aware of the fear I have that I will be overwhelmed once again.
the vortex of trauma. Slowing down to remember. I’m remembering now
– the experience of gathering the memorabilia. I have already sorted the In this journal entry I notice a pre-reflective knowing of what lay ahead,
memorabilia. Now I am reflecting on that experience. I press the italics based on prior experience and from my awareness of the emotional
button to help me remember this. Hopefully I am re-experiencing it now content of the memories.
with more objectivity and a little more mindfulness.
I document the steps as a way of externalising the process.
I prepared mind maps containing key words, which were connected to
The documentation was a procedure to ensure as far as possible
each other, as appropriate, with a latticework of pencilled lines. I
that the data gathering process was visible and transparent.
found that mapping served to concentrate my mind; in my case
these were never straight lines. I make a decision to read what I have already printed out and highlight
what now resonates. I will allow 40 minutes and no more. I will then
I will write my way into this section, I will use mind maps, images and go for a walk.
words. I remind myself to follow the plan. Last time there was no plan I will come back and spend one hour, no more, looking at my journal.
– only chaos of heart and mind, quite a collapse. Maybe, then, I needed to What appears then will be all I will include. I am aware of placing strict
break down, so that something new could enter. To every season…. This boundaries around the potential vortex or the bomb that could explode in
is now a new and different stage of my enquiry. In alchemical terms it my emotional world.
is conjunctio – a coming together of what I have already done, not a
dissolution. I gathered keywords and phrases to assist me in focussing upon the
themes. I bracketed out those parts which I had identified as not
10.30am
relevant.
I play some ambient music as a way of creating a protective atmosphere.
I make decisions not to analyse or explain my actions at this stage.
I place lime and sandalwood oils in my aromatherapy burner for the
same reason. My decision not to analyse them was because the focus needed to
I select photos and images that hold meaning. be upon my experience.
I select sections of my journal about collecting memorabilia.
I hold anxiety at bay. I have resolved that once I have done all this I will decide on the next entry
I also have a sense of wonderment as to what will emerge from today’s point into the next stage.
exploration. I read the bits I have gathered. I see that I have repeated several sections
from my journal twice. Since I do not know what else to do I will trust
By this selection of photos, images and journal entries, I engaged that this double appearance has some meaning. I work with this.
in the process of reduction – reducing the array of representations In keeping with the contract I made with myself, I go for a walk
to their core or essential meaning.
I trusted that, in doing this, the unfolding process could and would
I have an awareness that I must try to allow my body to do what it emerge.
needs to do. I do not want to block the very sensations that may free any
trauma. I want to trust the wisdom of my body; the innate wisdom of 2pm upon returning to the kitchen altar
this unspoken voice and allow any pressure cooker build up to release
I had noticed several things on my walk.
slowly.
The large winter-bare tree in the park, which protects me while I do

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my summer yoga practice, has several tender young green leaves breaking An article then comes to mind that reached me via my morning emails. In
through. I associate that to life returning; this gives me heart; a time to it I noticed the words from the Roman philosopher Seneca who said, nearly
build and a time to be born. 2000 years ago “to be everywhere is to be nowhere” (Seneca, 1969, p.
33). I also hear the echoes of Shaun McNiff’s words about the problem
of researchers trying to do too many things in their projects (2000, p.
151). Once again the Intentional field has delivered a timely reminder
warning of the potential of re-traumatising myself in emotional overload.

These words alerted me to slow down and stay with a single focus.
I looked carefully at the kitchen table; at the assembled images,
and meditated. One of the images, in particular, appeared to be
calling for my attention. It was the photo of the wooden box.
It is a container for a selection of my memories; in fact it held
those which were most cherished and most painful for me. The
box in the photo became a representation of my lived experience.
It held emotions, memories, ideas, smells, touches, images, sounds
and bodily-stored feeling states. It evoked memories from the past
of life events that were the focus of my present enquiry. I was
searching for coherence as I tried to make sense and find meaning
in the present.

But the photo was not solely of the box; it was a photo, which
also happened to have my knitting and a cup of tea in front of
the box. It was as if time and memory had converged into this
one representation. The box itself contained a groundswell of
emotion; an intersection of autobiographical life review and layers
of consciousness. I had been knitting a purple hot water bag cover.
This and the teacup are both representations of comfort. I was
comforted by the memory of the rhythm of knitting the cover
New Life Emerges, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, September 2010. which would bring warmth – warmth to me means healing –
and the colour purple is my colour, “Jenni’s colour”. The teacup
I gratefully connected with the wisdom and strength of the season’s
also represented warmth, comfort, health, relaxation, pausing,
cycles; as if my own life might be returning too.
connection, beauty, and healing. These calming qualities offset the
unnerving emotions which I expected the contents of the box to
provoke.

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The photograph itself evoked all these things for me. “If we are my sacred containers to put things in, the kitchen of the alchemist, my
possess the image of a thing, we possess half the thing” (Jung, cauldron, my way of brewing and stirring. I liken my doctoral work to
2009, p. 232). So in this one picture there was much to reflect on. that of the therapeutic encounter – the vessel in which the transformative
experience takes place.
Journal, 6 April 2006

On 16 September, the day after I selected the photo of the wooden

box, I woke to the task of trying to write this chapter.

I feel disconnected from all the ideas of yesterday, I am unsure how to

proceed.
I ask for guidance. A voice tells me to go to my strengths and my potential.
My strengths I ask? I want to dance it through but decide to write into it,
as Laurel Richardson would suggest.
I hope that, in this chapter on memorabilia, multiple tasks are covered
simultaneously. I want to show what it is that I did with the memorabilia
and why. It reminds me of reading about ”life review” and the literature
associated that. I also might be able to show how it helps to come to
terms with the past and discover some acceptance, and maybe find some
Wooden Box, with knitting and tea cup, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, redemption as life may grow richer following a suicide.
I want to show the MIECAT procedures as clearly as possible. …
7 September 2010.
It would be far too tedious, and impossible, to show the procedures at
All this led me to resolve to reduce this part of my thesis primarily every stage of the last five years. This can be the “sample” or a signature
to the one significant object, the photo of the box. You will chapter on procedures; an example of what I did. It will never be a full
understand that, for me, this box is a poignant portal or point of representation of the experiencing, but it is about lived moments, and I
access, and one that has reminded me of much sadness whenever I want to relate you what I experienced inwardly as well.
I can introduce some of the ideas about what I grappled with and
have turned towards it. I decided to choose, not the box, but a photo
considered while writing this one chapter. Maybe it can become a bit of a
image of it, as the access point for writing about the memorabilia,
guide for other researchers.
because the photo became yet another container. My hands around I can also use it to illustrate writing as methodology, writing as a way of
the photo were a way of holding the image, rather than the original healing and different ways of knowing…
object itself, which had an emotional imprint embedded in it. This I am mindful that I do not want to make this an insular or self-
allowed me to take one step back with detachment – safely. I could indulgent writing exercise. I am now looking to the balance between the
be still with it. I could hold a container of the container. I recall “auto” in autoethnography – where it is self reflective and introspective
writing about containers several years ago. – and also being able to provide enough of the “ethnos” – the collective
backdrop to enliven the thoughts of the reader. I will need to become
It is important to have a container, a place for the soul-voice to be heard attuned to the state of reflexivity which “involves a more immediate,
and received. … In grief or trauma these safe holding places are crucial. dynamic and continuing self awareness, as if in a “reflection-reflexivity
For me it is this journal, some art, or dance. … These, like my thesis, continuum”(Finlay & Gough, 2003a). I will need to use both critical

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self-reflection and reflexivity to tunnel down into the rhizome in order to But please do not think that I equate my personal suffering to the atrocities
unearth my research procedures. that our past history demonstrates, or to the brutality we know that
The next step, though, is breakfast and gathering what I need for this exists, even in this present day. My story is not of that magnitude. It
next phase. has, nevertheless, all the elements of trauma, complex grief, survival,
Journal, 16 September 2010 compounded loss and dis-identification. In spite of this, people who
unfailingly loved and supported me, even when I felt close to death myself,
I recalled the encounter with my memorabilia and my memories always surrounded me. It is to those friends I owe my deep gratitude.
when I opened the boxes earlier in my enquiry.
I find compassion for myself and for all who suffer. This, in
After breakfast on the same day. Buddhist terms, is the soft spot of Bodhichitta.
What I remember most about the memorabilia is how overwhelming it
was. It took years to open those boxes. And then, when I did in 2008, I Then I become conscious that, greater than the suffering, is love – the
was completely overwhelmed by emotion and memories. I did not try to profound love I have received and, hopefully, given. I had trained myself
fit it into small manageable increments. I didn’t even have a companion from the moment I was born to offer this love. I tried in vain to save my
with me. Even though I knew that memory and trauma are not stored mother from her torment. A voice tells me my love was not enough though
chronologically, I was ashamed that I could still, after all these years, be so to “save” my husband, Alan. Maybe it was not my business to “save”
emotionally involved with these incidents of the past. Perhaps my persistent Alan. My thoughts roll out. Nothing will bring him back. I hope we
distress, after all, had the hallmarks of the complex or disenfranchised meet again. No matter, nothing will destroy my love for him. So despite
grief of a suicide survivor. Back then, I faced it all. Later on, I learned all the testings which I have undergone, I have come to understand that
that perhaps that was not the wisest way to go about it. I have indestructible love. I am fortunate to have loved so deeply. In the
Pandora myth, when the evils of the world had escaped from her box, there
Now, I returned to the photo of wooden box itself. remained only Hope. For me there remains an appreciation of a great and
indestructible love.
I renew an old understanding as I now pass through time and memory. That love must be the light of consciousness buried in my heart. It is far
Tears burn my eyes, as I finally begin to accept that I could never have greater than me. This is the only thing that can mend a convalescing heart;
managed to revisit all the pain I experienced and witnessed; I needed a the light lies buried under all the layers of limitations, self-hatred, beliefs,
vessel – a cauldron, then, as I do now. Here I find it in this wooden box. habits, the conditioning, and separation…. It was the spark that that
My life, every aspect, had been shattered into a million pieces. Inwardly little girl in the sandpit in the barren farmyard experienced and carried
and externally I was left with no secure base and no resources. I had all her life.
to find the strength within … and that connection with Self felt non-
Journal, 16 September 2010
existent.
On returning to the wooden box I re-lived those terrible times
“People who experience major threats to psychological integrity
when I felt that life held no future, no purpose; those times when
can suffer as much as those traumatized by physical injury or
my aching for my husband was such that I wanted only to join
life threat” (Briere & Scott, 2006, p. 4). This was certainly my
him; those times when I feared for the future of my children, and
experience and I felt that I had disconnected from myself. And so,
continuously for the life of one of them. I cry as I write this.
here was my task – to commit myself gradually and faithfully to
the process of salvaging and reviving the lost and damaged parts of There are times in a woman’s life when she cries and cries
my self in order to re-connect with the joy in life. and cries, and even though she has the succour and support
of her loved ones, still and yet she cries. Something in this

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crying keeps the predator away, keeps away unhealthy desire

or gain that will ruin her. Tears are part of the mending of
rips in the psyche where energy has leaked and leaked away.
The matter is serious, but the worst does not occur - our
light is not stolen - for tears make us conscious. There is no
chance to go back to sleep when one is weeping. Whatever
sleep comes then is only rest for the physical body. (Estés,
1998, pp. 404-405)
Now that I had opened my precious wooden box, I could face the
memorabilia and see, like Pandora, that there were angels as well
as demons within. I recalled Hazrat Inayat Khan’s verse; “Your
heart is not living until it has experienced pain… The pain of
love breaks open the heart, even if it is as hard as a rock” (as cited
in E. Campbell, 1995, p. 75), and the words of Kahlil Gibran
when he tells of the truth embedded in our sorrow, “When you
are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in
truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight” (1996,
p. 16). I had reached the state where I was grateful to be in my home
looking at old photos and letters. I was grateful to be able to allow
myself the “luxury” of feeling the unbridled grief, while I relived
memories of both joyful and difficult times. At the true heart of
my pain was love and only love. I became aware that the grief and
the joy are part of my history – my story. They are not me; just
part of my biography. They are not ogres to be feared. They are
friends which will be with me always – and I accept them as such
(Greenspan, 2003). I crumpled to my knees in a spontaneous act
of gratitude. Gratitude that I can feel love so deeply; gratitude that
I am alive and that our children are who are they are.

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Challenges and Constraints I would like to say something about each of these concerns in
relation to my own enquiry and to the challenges and constraints
of using the methods and processes I have been describing.
Could this narrative approach be qualitative,
autoethnographic, and reflective? The whole, a heuristic
process, seeking to shed light on suicide survivor experiences? Personal sense of inadequacy.
This qualitative approach of lived experience was especially
appealing to me, but from the beginning, the heuristic I have already made it clear that throughout the whole process I
approach brought me somewhere I did not foresee. In my have been bedevilled by a sense that I am not adequate for the
research, personal diaries, and personal correspondence, I task. It seemed that two parts of me were pulling me in different
encountered and explored serious self-doubts about the directions; one calling me on – as in the great myths, calling upon
value of what I was doing.
me to go beyond the limits of what I think is possible for myself
Monique Watford (2008, pp. 348-349) – and one criticising me. I described this in a poem written one
night, late in the process.
Suicide presents particular difficulties for this kind of enquiry.
Typically, it leaves unanswered and often painful questions for the This tension is an aspect of a more general sense of failure which
surviving family members. In the course of my reading, I was moved I feel and which seems to have been with me always. It creates
by an article by Monique Watford (2008). In simple and direct an ambivalence in my attitude towards the critic and guardian, an
language she told of her abusive husband’s suicide twenty years ambivalence that reflects his dual relationship as my benevolent
earlier. Although we have similar professional interests in the field protector and my punitive rejecter.
of therapy, the circumstances of his death and the relationship that
existed between her husband and herself at the time were entirely The voice of the critic possibly has its roots in my mother’s (unlived)
different from my relationship with my husband. Nevertheless, I masculine side. My mother was a highly intelligent woman, with nowhere
to place that aptitude. I think she nearly went mad. Bottled up intellect.
was interested that some of the concerns she identified in writing
Manic depressive was the diagnosis after her all too many years of hell.
the article had found their way into my journal. Both of us were
Mum did not want me to “surpass” her, yet buried in her heart she
dealing, I think, with some of the particular challenges and wanted the best, I am sure. What a hidden and damaged heart she had;
constraints that arise from our choice of research methods, as well aching and bruised!
as from our subject. And to abandon my critic would be tantamount to abandoning my
mother. An edge dilemma!
First, there were her self-doubts about the value of what she was
doing. The second concern was the risk that her research work Journal, 10 December 2009
would lose authenticity because the conventional separation of
the researcher and the subject of the research was absent. Finally,
she felt a tension between her need to produce a scholarly and
academic work and her belief that there was value in her telling of
her own personal experience in her own words.

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Voice of the Wise One

I call you forward I am subtle

I speak to you in your dreams But
and poetry If you do not listen

Voice of the Past;

In visions and art I repeat
In your felt body sense, And my voice becomes a

the Critic
In nature and in beauty little louder
A little stronger
I come to you in symbols
A little more demanding
and flirtings
I want you to stay small I whisper in your ear Until you finally take notice
I am doing everything I speak to you in codes and
But your Critic is alarmed now
To stop you hushed tones
And has begun a rampage
Being shamed, humiliated, and annihilated
I encourage, I call, I beckon to protect you
You hardly seem to listen to be all of who you truly are
We seem to be at war
I am trying every tactic possible
I call you to break free of your
I am trying to protect you It is time to meet in
habitual enclosures
From being exposed nonviolence
I call you to a new life
I have looked after you all your life For a new conversation
I call you home
I have kept you safe, well safe enough anyhow To find a way forward
To a place of stillness
Together
If you write a thesis Within your own heart
Everyone will know your story This is where god resides
That is a great risk So cleverly hidden…
You do not know what will happen Who would have thought
You may die to look there? Jenni Harris, 10 December 2009

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Identity of researcher and subject. It means, too, that a greater responsibility is cast upon the researcher
to ensure that other safeguards of data dependability and validity
Monique Watford’s second problem is of particular interest to me. are in place. Warren Lett says that these might be provided by an
In traditional positivist research, the requirement of detachment insistence upon the “visibility of all the modes and methods of
and objectivity demands that the researcher maintain a degree of enquiry” (Lett, 2005, p. 5). Of visibility, he says:
separation from her subject matter. Generally, the value of any It requires explanation of the types of data selected.
research will be no greater than the accuracy of the data upon which Evidence of and reasons for choices in movements through
it is based. During my enquiry I had nagging doubts about the data collected need to be provided. … Ways of reducing
validity of using personal self-enquiry for research. The emotions data to meaningful structures of similarity and difference,
of inclusion or exclusion, and the perception of their
involved were so strong – and they were my own emotions – that
salience need to be shown. In sum, we show how we describe
they might have distorted my recall of the events, as they were the experiencing, we show how we extend and amplify it, we
narrated in my journal entries. This has been recognised as a show how we analyse and structure it, and we declare how
potential validity risk even where the researcher and the subject are we make meaning of it. (Lett, 2005, p. 5)
distinct, for the researcher might be affected by the subject’s story
I have sought to deal with these concerns, bearing in mind the
and the subject might be affected by the attitudes of the researcher
essential subjectivity of my process. Like Carolyn Ellis in Final
(Hunter, 2010, p. 44). And when, as researcher, I sat down to write
Negotiations (1995), I have two voices in this – in their separate
up this thesis, I again became the narrator (Chase, 2005), and yet
ways both truly telling my story: one is the subject who made
I was located in the research narrative itself (Connolly & Reilly,
the journal entries, and the other is the researcher who is writing
2007). The risk of distortion is multiplied.
this thesis. In her paper, Monique Watford focuses on the events
I see my work as an exercise in heuristic research. While this surrounding her husband’s death. By contrast, the subject matter
research requires rigorous definition, careful collection of data of my thesis is concerned with aspects of the aftermath of my
and thorough and disciplined analysis, the distinguishing feature is own experience of a suicide and other factors that impacted on
that the researcher, herself, has had a personal encounter with the me, and of the process of reflection that followed, and then of
phenomenon being investigated (Moustakas, 1990, p. 14). This the emergent psychic unfolding. It also includes my experience of
means that detachment and objectivity will usually take a different the process that I, as researcher, underwent, including the actual
form. Clark Moustakas acknowledges the subjective nature of the writing up of the thesis. For the purpose of this research, it does
validation of heuristic research. not matter whether, as writer of the journal, my account of the
Since heuristic enquiry utilises qualitative methodology events of my past is or is not accurate. Objectivity is not a goal
in arriving at themes and essences of experience, validity (Ellis & Bochner, 2000, p. 748). What is important is that, in my
in heuristics is not a qualitative measurement that can be thesis, I accurately convey to you the experience of my reflecting on
determined by correlations or statistics. The question of those events (Moustakas, 1990, p. 93). This experience, including
validity is one of meaning: Does the ultimate depiction of
my thoughts and feelings over the period of my enquiry, is the real
the experience derived from one’s own rigorous, exhaustive
self-searching and from the explications of others, present subject matter of my research.
comprehensively, vividly, and accurately the meanings and
In autoethnographic enquiry, however, the differences between
essences of the experience? This judgement is made by the
primary researcher. (Moustakas, 1990, p. 32) these voices tend to become blurred, as is demonstrated in the

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journal. It records, as part of the one entry, the subject’s pain at Again, the words of Monique Watford reflect my situation:
the events which she is recalling, the frustrations of the researcher, As I wrote in research, I realised this crisis of authority and
trying to make sense of it all, and the general fears of the doctoral representation is not only within the field of inquiry, but
student. As the person who is all of those characters, I am affected also within me, and that I had been struggling with it from
the beginning.
by all of these emotions. This may be an inevitable, and even a
It has taken me many years to reach where I am today
desirable, consequence of an organic inquiry (Clements, 2004).
and, as a non-traditional entrant at university, I vacillated
It may not matter, if the purpose of the enquiry is to identify between the desire to be accepted by academia and the fear
the meanings attached by the subject to her past experiences (Ellis of being judged as unscientific and scholarly. Therefore, at
& Bochner, 2000, p. 750), and to show rather than tell those times I believed I must write using terminology of academic
experiences, leaving it to the reader to interpret them (Chase, 2005, language thinking of validity, reliability and generalisation,
p. 660). But the existence of this difference must be acknowledged. and then shifted to thinking that my work, my personal
experience, was useful, insightful, and meaningful and it
was important primarily in how it illuminated survivors and
their experiences. (Watford, 2008, pp. 349-350)
A scholarly work? The crisis she speaks of is the tension between the would-be
As to the third of Monique Watfords’ concerns, like her I was, not academic and the simple, feeling person who wants to tell her very
entirely convinced that my journal’s personal ramblings could ever personal and sometimes painful story in a way that is useful to
be made to fit into an acceptable academic mould. I had started off others. For me, there was the added complication that my many
with great enthusiasm, inspired by early readings. The blueprints ways of knowing seemed to be less than academic. I danced,
of ideas were conceived in the initial moments when I began to checked body resonances, enacted rituals, I noticed omens, dreams
write, in April 2005. and synchronicities.

I am reading an article, Writing and Reflection (D. Walker, 1985). A major part of the journaling process has been to tap into the
This is reinforcing my ideas about writing, reflection – words, diaries, emotional component of my memories. I have also been moved,
logs, journals, portfolios, record books, verbatim, sociological diaries, supported and inspired by the mythic and the archetypal images
dossiers. Using a diary to appreciate unfolding biographies, making a which I have sought out in my reading, or which just seem to
regular time to record, review and reflect on journals. Yes, the next work have come my way. I refer to those images that lie deep inside
I happen to pick up is Howard Gardner’s Intelligence Reframed me – images of the pilgrim, the initiate, the hero’s journey and the
(1999). This seems to address my anguish about my lack of mental labyrinth. These “magical and mythical structures of consciousness
rational intelligence and my idea of it being the superior way of knowing.
were being integrated with [my] mental/rational consciousness to
Howard Gardner identifies a number of different types of intelligence
produce a totally new way of perceiving and thinking” (Neville,
which make up human intelligence. I relate to two of them in particular:
intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligences. This gives me a clue about 2000). I recognise that there is a danger here. The references
how to proceed, and gives me hope that I am able to find a way forward. to myths and dreams, to religious figures and mystics and to
those sciences that are seen by physical scientists as unorthodox,
Journal, 25 April 2005
might be viewed as an indication that I seek refuge in clichéd or
unverifiable New Age concepts. My work might, therefore, be
disregarded as being too unworldly and undisciplined. But it is

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 Chapter 4 Ways - Remembering the Processes

not vague mysticism that I concern myself with. Ann Hawkins

(2000) has argued that mythic images pervade both illness writing
and also the way patients understand their illness. As you will see
in chapter 6, recent work has demonstrated the validity and the
usefulness of these images and concepts in research such as mine.
The experiences I describe are largely archetypal experiences of
the heart common to us all. I have also sought to create a work in
harmony with, and informed by, my philosophical principles and
spiritual practices.

I feared that all of this might find its way into the hands of a
less than understanding reader and yet, as I wrote, I knew full well
that in the end I cannot, nor would I want to, control my reader’s
response. Nevertheless, insecurity still impacted on the writing
process. The work of Carolyn Ellis and Jennifer Clements, in the
fields of autoethnography and organic inquiry partially helped to
alleviate some of this concern. Daringly, they stood up to offer a
different but legitimate voice. They gave validity to such a form
of enquiry, and courage to me, the enquirer, as had my supervisor,
Jean Rumbold, all along. Eventually this more authentic voice won
out. I had no alternative but to include some of my own ways of
knowing on the basis that, to omit them would remove from my
thesis a dimension that was integral to the experience I wanted to
convey.

I will finish my discussion of Monique Watford’s paper with an

endorsement of the sentiments she expresses in her conclusion:
I realise that ultimately, even though the standards of
evaluation do rest with the academic community and that
they will assess my work, evaluation will also come from the
readers that I invite into my world. They also will decide if
my work is valid, if it has verisimilitude, and if it evokes
in them “a feeling that the experience described is lifelike,
believable, and possible” (Ellis & Bochner, 2000, p. 751).
(Watford, 2008, p. 353)

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 Chapter 5

The Bricoleur’s Nest

 A Bricoleur’s

Construction

In exploring the vast and multidimensional

nature of human experience, our methods need
to be as dynamic as the experiences studied. These
transpersonal research methods incorporate intuition, direct
knowing, creative expression, alternative states of consciousness, dreamwork,
storytelling, meditation, imagery, emotional and bodily cues, and other internal events as possible strategies
and procedures in all phases of research enquiry. Both the topics of research enquiry and the methods employed
are potentially transpersonal or spiritual in nature. Researchers, participants, and readers maybe enlivened, even
transformed, by the transpersonal elements of the study. Despite the demanding and often tedious aspects of all
scholarly inquiry, it is hoped that transpersonal research will be imbued with a sense of wonder and joy. Discovery
for its own sake is joyous, and more seemingly serendipitous events may bring a windfall of new understanding.

William Braud and Rosemarie Anderson

(1998. p. 30)

131
 Qualitative Inquiry
Methodology
Autoethnography
Intuitive
Inquiry
some logical
l th is work together in e would
I am trying to
br in g al
ep s ja m m in g. I thought ther
d my brain ke on and intuitive
readable form an k ou t of my confusi
Iw ou ld br ea logical way
be a point that to a lo ve ly clear left brain
g and ge t in d path,

Narrative
random stumblin w ou ld go u p a neat and ordere
nd off I
of proceeding. A But no.
g exac tly w ha t I was doing. ing blindly
knowin comfortable grop

Organic Inquiry
es e “l es s th an guess
all th . Bugger. But I
It seems that m e ev er yw he re
but
follow of “not knowing”
processes” still e is to kn ow
what ther able until I find

Inquiry
I know it well, ho w ever uncomfort that
staying with th
e pr oc es s,
w it h on ly little confidence in
mething – often and turning away
and finding
myself doing so th at le av in g it
ledge of me.
choice. I acknow ca n be what it requires
om en ts ed to
little resting m st ill “d oe s me” I am marri
”not doing it ” it
Even when I am ter.

Emergent
s an d it is a very jealous mas
the proces ing
ti ve pr oc es s – all this sift

Bricolage
been a re fl ec can
While this has st , it ha s also meant that I

Process
hes of the pa was
through the as cu rr en t m om ent. Whether I
erges in this d sometimes
only see what em , w on de ring in to the future an e present
e past be present to th
reflecting on th er be en ab le to bubbling
only ev and grief or the
lost in it, I have of te n so rr ow
attached
t emerged, not necessarily
moment and wha ed jo y. A jo y
re of unbridl
up from nowhe
2009

Intersubjectivity
to anything. Sunday, 26 June

Amplification
MIECAT
Multimodal
Procedures
133
 Chapter 5

The Bricoleur’s Nest

Mapping my Methodology I n the course of this project I came upon different methodologies
which interested or attracted me. I often thought to myself,
“This is it”. However, I later came to see that many of them did
Human science seeks to know the reality which is not suit the work I was doing. Finally, I arrived in the general
particularly our own, the reality of our experience, actions, territory of organic and intuitive inquiry, where I felt very much at
and expressions. This realm is closest to us, yet it is most home. I will now discuss some of the various topics I considered
resistant to our attempt to grasp it with understanding. and incorporated into my research.
Because of the success we have had knowing the world
around us, the human realm has expanded its power to such
an extent that we can act to create wellbeing and physical
security and comfort and to inflict untold suffering and The bricoleur’s nest.
destruction. Serious and rigorous re-searching of the Birds make their nests in circles, for theirs is the same
human realm is required. religion as ours.
Donald Polkinghorne (1983, pp. 280-281) Black Elk (as cited in Recio & London, 2004, p. 75)

A metaphor for my methodology is the bird building her nest,

instinctively and perfectly, making the most of what is at hand.
She checks on the progress from time to time, and then flies off
to find more materials for its construction. “The French word,
bricoleur, describes a handyman or handywoman who makes
use of tools available to complete a task” and this term has been
used to describe a similar approach to research (Kincheloe, 2001,
p. 680).

But these images, perhaps, give the false impression that the process
was a rather simplistic, rough and haphazard research operation. I
believe that, in actual fact, bricolage is capable of bringing a new
rigour and depth to research; it allows for the emergence of an
entirely new creative synthesis that quantitative research may miss
in its more outcome-driven approach and focus. Bricolage is the

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Remembering the Way

patchworking of methods (what you will be doing and how) and Bricolage merges into the Buddhist notion of using everything
brings together certain modes of enquiry (concerning what you on the path as a tool for enlightenment. “Our life’s work is to
are attending to). It encourages, even requires, the mind to expand use whatever we have been given to wake up” (Chödrön, 1991,
into new and challenging experiences and designs, as indeed the p. 30). It is about using the abundant and richly textured fabric of
bird discovers as she works earnestly to create a sturdy home with everyday life as our primary spiritual teacher and guide. I am an
what she finds available on her travels. She adapts her design to the inveterate bricoleur.
found materials, rather than seeking out a predetermined set of
I am picking up articles that come my way – by any means, casually
twigs and a prescribed outcome. Bricolage is not always neat, but
handed to me, articles I need to read for teaching etc. I read them in a
it does, however, give the researcher permission to fashion her own way that they wash over me but somehow I take a resonance from them.
methodology.
Journal, 28 March 2006
Kincheloe (2001) describes bricolage as a multi-disciplinary
My doctoral nest has been constructed from a foundation of my
and inter-disciplinary approach that is neither superficial nor
lived experience; branches from literature, research and responses,
undisciplined. He writes that:
both physical and subtle; twigs from found objects, poetry, art,
The dialectical nature of the disciplinary and interdisciplinary
relationship promotes a synergistic interaction between the music, storytelling, astrology, tarot and movement; wool and
two concepts. In this context, bricolage is concerned not softness from conversations and workshops. The resin to bind this
only with divergent methods of inquiry, but with diverse comes from the guidance of inner resonance and co-travellers. It is
theoretical and philosophical understandings of the various like the intrinsic wisdom of the bird who, each season, returns to
elements encountered in the act of research. The insights construct her circular nest by weaving a place of warmth and love
garnered here move researchers to a better conceptual grasp
where her eggs can hatch.
of the complexity of the research act – a cognizance often
missed in mainstream versions of qualitative research. In The materials have been collected from many places all over the
particular, critical bricoleurs employ historiographical,
world. Some of the materials have been aged and matured by
philosophical, and social theoretical lenses to gain a more
complex understanding of the intricacies of research design. time; some were collected with the coolness of the early morning
(Kincheloe, 2001, p. 679) dew fresh upon them; some have been found at the edges. As the
bricoleur understands, the frontiers of knowledge reside “in the
His reference to “interdisciplinary relationship” generally refers
liminal zones where disciplines collide” (Kincheloe, 2001, p. 689)
to a process whereby disciplinary boundaries are crossed and
and in places where traditional boundaries are pushed.
the analytical frames of more than one field are employed by the
researcher. This method of research was particularly important The nest is built anew from conscious layers and intersections
to me, for several reasons. It meant that I could extend my study that defy linear constraints. It is being built in a space between
across creative, multi-modal, psychological, philosophical and “the knower and the known, perception and the lived world,
spiritual boundaries. It meant that I was free to proceed on my and discourse and representation. Employing the benefits of
path wherever it took me. I was not tied to pre-set maps. It does, philosophical enquiry, the bricoleur gains a new ability to account
however, have its dangers: there is a risk that the researcher might for and incorporate these dynamics into his or her research
become lost, distracted, unfocussed and that the research itself narratives” (Kincheloe, 2001, p. 688).
might become undirected and unwieldy, as mine often did.

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 Chapter 5 The Bricoleur’s Nest

Autoethnography Ethnography also has relevance for individual research, where the
history of one or a group of persons can be connected to the
experiences of others. David Denborough explains that:
Personal writing saved me from being less than passionately It then becomes possible to enable those who are struggling
involved in my career and from being so mired in grief that I with the effects of hardship to make a meaningful
couldn’t breathe. Doing autoethnography made me feel that contribution to the lives of others who are also struggling.
my work was worthwhile, that I could contribute to making In turn, this experience of making a contribution to others
the world a better place, show my students alternative ways can lead to an increased sense of personal/collective agency.
to survive grief and reframe their lives, and equip myself to (Denborough, 2008)
make sense of the life I was living.
What I found to be so relevant in the work of Carolyn Ellis
Carolyn Ellis (Bartleet & Ellis, 2009, p. 2) and Art Bochner was that they undertook this by a study of the
self, so that their ethnography became autoethnography. I see
Therapeutic autobiography was the description given by Warren
my work as falling, generally, within this methodological field.
Lett when I submitted an outline of my research in May 2006.
Autoethnography, as a mode of enquiry, shaped my whole journey
His response included the prescient observation that the process
into this enquiry and then back out into the world.
would require that “you stay in your experience and see what is
Autoethnography is an autobiographical genre of writing
worth staying with” (personal communication, Lett, May 2006).
and research that displays multiple layers of consciousness,
Whatever the label, in writing up my journal and engaging in the connecting the personal to the cultural. Back and forth
other activities in my enquiry, I appeared to be following a course autoethnographers gaze, first through an ethnographic
closely resembling the following description by Carolyn Ellis and wide-angle lens, focusing outward on social and cultural
Art Bochner: aspects of their personal experience; then, they look inward,
I start with my personal life. I pay attention to my physical exposing a vulnerable self that is moved by and may move
feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I use what I call systematic through, refract and resist cultural interpretations. … As
sociological introspection and emotional recall to try to they zoom backward and forward, inward and outward,
understand an experience I’ve lived through. Then I write distinctions between the personal and cultural become
my experience as a story. By exploring a particular life, I blurred, sometimes beyond distinct recognition. Usually
hope to understand a way of life. (Ellis & Bochner, 2000, written in first person voice, autoethnographic texts appear
p. 737) in a variety of forms – short stories, poetry, fiction, novels,
photographic essays, personal essays, journals, fragmented
The systematic sociological introspection and emotional recall and layered writing, and social science prose. In these
that they speak of, and their autoethnographic process, resemble texts, concrete action, dialogue, emotion, embodiment,
the MIECAT multi-modal procedures with which I am familiar. spirituality, and self-consciousness are featured, appearing as
Ethnography is, of course, directed to the unearthing of the skills, relational and institutional stories affected by history, social
structure, and culture, which themselves are dialectically
values, hopes and dreams that are buried within the history of
revealed through action, feeling, thought, and language.
the lives of individuals of a particular culture or community. (Ellis & Bochner, 2000, p. 739)
A connection can then be made to other individuals or groups
of different cultures or communities who are experiencing I attended a lecture Carolyn Ellis and Art Bochner gave at Latrobe
similar situations and who are affected by similar social issues. University in September 2008. I had been pursuing a solitary
undertaking for roughly three years and with fading confidence.

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Remembering the Way

As I heard Carolyn Ellis speak, she seemed to summarise what I Coffey (1999) have criticised autoethnographic narrative as the
was trying to do. It was as if she had been watching me all that basis for qualitative research on the ground that it encourages a
time. I read in her ground-breaking work, Final Negotiations (1995), sense of self-indulgence in the researcher, as well as on the basis
how she had sought to reconcile her work with the expectations that traditional criteria for assessing qualitative research are not
of academia that ethnographic work should be objective and applicable to this format. Nicholas Holt rejects these criticisms,
conclusionary, supported by quantitative data and that the suggesting that these criteria may not be appropriate.
personality and emotions of the researcher should be eliminated Some scholars have suggested that the criteria used to judge
or invisible. Carolyn Ellis had confirmed what my supervisor had autoethnography should not necessarily be the same as
been telling me. She gave me permission, courage and validation traditional criteria used to judge other qualitative research
investigations (Garratt & Hodkinson, 1998); (Sparkes,
to continue with my approach. She expressed, in an academically
2000). Furthermore, the post-hoc use of techniques to
acceptable manner, what I had been trying to do. It was acceptable ensure reliability and validity has been questioned recently
that I should expose my personal involvement in my story. It was (Morse, Barrett, Mayan, Olson, & Spiers, 2002). Morse
inevitable – even desirable – that the reader should participate in et al suggested that more attention should be paid to
the process of my enquiry, and not merely in its conclusions (Ellis, constructive rather than evaluative (i.e. post-hoc) techniques.
1995, p. 311). For example, describing investigator responsiveness during
the research process would be a constructive approach to
I began to understand what I had been doing. My thesis reflects validity, as opposed to the inclusion of evaluative checks
the non-linear process of my thoughts over the period of the to establish the trustworthiness of completed research
enquiry (Ellis, 1995, pp. 315-317). I decided that the intrusive (e.g. an external audit). Both viewpoints question the
application of “traditional criteria” (i.e., post-hoc evaluative
repetitions of these thoughts should not be edited out, since they measures based largely on the parallel perspective) to
reflected the themes of despair and shortcomings that returned to judge contemporary qualitative investigations. There is
me again and again. My style of writing directly to the reader was a common ground here because constructive approaches to
consequence of this approach. Roxanne Doty, too, confirmed what validity and reliability would be more appropriate criteria
I had instinctively felt. to judge autoethnography than the post-hoc imposition
In my opinion one of the most exciting promises of of evaluative techniques associated with the parallel
autoethnography is the potential it has to change the way we perspective. For example, reflexive techniques that examine
write. Including the self, accepting things like intuition and the sensitivity of the researcher to the particular subculture
bodily sensations and felt experience are bound to affect under investigation may provide constructive approaches to
our choice of words and the way we put these words on validity in autoethnography. (Holt, 2003, p. 4)
paper. Our voices are very likely to change and this I think This is a controversy which I have grappled with long and hard.
would be a most positive change. I believe there is a current I have, however, come to realise that it need not concern me here;
within many academic circles and outside the academy to
I do not seek to prove anything, nor to develop a hypothesis. The
make scholarly writing more accessible to wider audiences,
less dry and boring to read. (Doty, 2010, p. 1050) purpose and nature of my research is to describe, as honestly as I
can, my own experience of life in the shadow of loss and grief, and
Authoethnography, as a particular aspect of qualitative research, to convey this to you in its various aspects, physical, psychological
has attracted the criticisms that have been addressed to that form and spiritual, in a way that permits you to comprehend this
of research: that it lacks scientific rigour (Morgan, 1996, 1998a, experience and the transformative process within it.
1998b). Writers such as Robert Krizek (2003) and Amanda

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 Chapter 5 The Bricoleur’s Nest

The MIECAT Way – and craft. Right hemisphere brain activities, such as sensation,
images, metaphor and paradox play a large part, as do humour,
Multi-modal Inquiry story reading and story telling. Intentions and beliefs, attitudes,
perceptions, memories and feelings are all important in this (Lett,
2006). This approach encourages us to look intuitively for signs
MIECAT’s focus on experiential knowing espouses [the of meaning beyond the literal language being used, by attending
idea] that experiencing is multi-modal; emotions, thoughts, to felt senses and picking up resonances, atmosphere and feeling.
bodily sensations and feelings, behaviours, sensory input, We search for the spirit of the space; we search for the emotional
awareness of memories and pre-reflective and non-verbal
imagery; these all contribute to the experience of living. content (Lett, 2010b).

Arwen Dyer (2009, p. 10) The concepts of bracketing in and bracketing out are those of including
and excluding material from the enquiry or that part of it presently
Multi-modal forms of enquiry are embraced by many auto-
being undertaken. I would bracket material out so that I would
ethnographers. The multi-modal, phenomenological methodology
not arrive too quickly at what I thought I knew. This allowed the
I followed was the MIECAT approach to experiential research
opportunity for new, not yet fully known, realisations to emerge and
– an approach that embraces a broad canvas of representational
it increased my ability to stay present in the moment. Bracketing
forms to assist people to make sense of their lived experience in
in requires the enquirer to make choices as to which material is to
a meaningful way (Fenner, 2010; Lett, 2009; J. Rumbold, Allen,
remain present for the moment, as she puts aside other content.
Alexander, & van Laar, 2008; Thorburn & Hibbard, 2008). It is
One may bracket back in for further enquiry older data that has
not theory or hypothesis driven; it is a “dialogue of subjectives
been reflected upon previously.
– self with self; self with the other; and self with others” (Lett,
2005, p. 2). This aspect of dialogue with a research companion or Amplification and reduction are procedures used to enrich the data
others is a central feature of the process. that has been perceived in this way. Amplification is the “how”
of the process. It is the expansion of the enquiry in order to
As a form of enquiry it does not seek to lay down any rigid process
enlarge its scope and to broaden and deepen the process. This may
or sequence of procedures; they are adaptive and non-prescriptive,
include a description of what we feel or perceive about our multi-
responsive to the needs of the enquiry. Accordingly, it is well
modal representation of our experience. Condensed fragments of
suited to a project such as mine, where I was enquiring into my
memory, feelings, images and thoughts may in this way be expanded
own experiences and where the precise topic emerged only from
to become part of a richer narrative.
the process itself.
Reduction, on the other hand, condenses the “what” of the enquiry
Central to the MIECAT approach is a mindful attention to
process. It may do this through the choice of keywords or creating
experience. This process focuses on the multi-modal representation
poetry, images, core statements, inter-subjective responses and titles
of experience. When we seek to convey our meaning to others,
to the works. Reduction can also be the result of clustering and mind
we consider multi-modal ways of achieving this, in addition
mapping as I have previously discussed. The value of reduction is
to conventional speech or writing. These typically include
that, while attending to the whole content, it re-focuses the content
performance, including movement, making music and visual art
and makes sense of its diverging themes, without sacrificing its
and activities, such as sand play, oral vocalisation, poetry, drama

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depth or breadth. It may also expose more or different themes, feelings and responses to such an extent that they cut themselves
which then become available for a further iteration of the process. off from the outside world. My research, however, was not carried
As a result of these processes, themes, patterns and valued ways of out in a vacuum. I continued to work and engage in the world at
being can be identified. large, a continuing dialogue which meant that I was co-creating my
research enquiry.
Intersubjective and intrasubjective experiencing and resonance are
important elements of the MIECAT form of enquiry (Allen, Throughout an enquiry process there are four key questions which
2004). Where multi-modal representations of experience are arise, particularly in the final stages. The epistemological questions,
received from another person, such as a research companion, they “What stays with me now?” and “What do I think I know now?”
are said to be intersubjective. Since they are often in response to a draw out the somatic/ felt sense experiential knowing and the
spoken or unspoken enquiry they are called multi-modal intersubjective conceptual/propositional knowing respectively. The ontological
responses (ISRs). Intersubjectivity was an element strongly present question, “What do I need to do with what I know now?” focuses
for me, as my supervisor companioned me through the doctoral on practical knowing and application and on the axiological
enquiry. Her regular offerings of images and keywords, usually in question, “How do I want to be there in my life?” – on choices and
postcard form, were vital in assisting me to feel heard and validated. consequences. These last questions are related to the enacting of
Not only that, her images and words would act as a reference point a possibility and a way of becoming. After finding and exploring
to help me to contain or reduce to a manageable size what was patterned ways of being and associated themes, we are able to
potentially overwhelming and re-traumatising. In this way I was explore choices and the consequences of change in our lives within
able to find the next point of access into my enquiry; a place to the context of our experiences.
commence another cycle of enquiry. In the booklet, Images of the
I found that the MIECAT process had a flexibility that was
Research Enquiry, that forms part of this thesis, you will find some
compatible with the participatory research paradigms that I used.
of the ISRs given to me by my supervisor and other colleagues,
It speaks strongly to my own personal beliefs and to my view that
offering me insight from other perspectives. A feature of an ISR
a feminine form of collaboration, rather than goal-driven ideas of
is that the companion attends to and incorporates their own
power over, is the way forward in both a micro level of experiential
resonance to the lived experience of another and yet allows the
research such as mine, and on the macro global level.
subject or the client the ultimate authority over their own material.
ISRs can foster dialogue and convey empathy; they bring us into a
deeper relationship with the experience and with each other.

Intrasubjectivity, as distinct from intersubjectivity, is practised

when a person remains attentive to their own inner responses,
which may come in the form of feelings, somatic sensations,
images or inner dialogues. My own enquiry, frequently carried out
in solitude requiring self-companioning, meant that I developed a
heightened sense of awareness of my own personal resonances. I
was mindful of the warning of Shaun McNiff (2000) about the
dangers to arts-based researchers of concentrating upon their own

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 Chapter 5 The Bricoleur’s Nest

A Narrative Inquiry My journal is, above all, my direct account of a real experience to
myself; this thesis is my direct account of this to you.

My journal is an enormous document comprising some 400 pages

… narrative is a scheme by means of which human
and 250,000 words. It contains entries for most, but not all, days
beings give meaning to their experience of temporality
and personal actions. Narrative meaning functions to give between 24 April 2005 and early 2011. Some of these are quite
form to the understanding of a purpose to life and to join short and some are long. Many of them are repetitive or deal with
everyday actions and events into episodic units. It provides the same events or feelings again and again. As a whole, it bears
a framework for understanding the past events of one’s life many of the characteristics of Arthur Frank’s chaos narrative –
and for planning future actions. It is the primary scheme by a narrative where the storyteller tells of her experiences of life
means of which human existence is rendered meaningful.
without sequence or discernable causality (1995, p. 97). According
Donald Polkinghorne (1988, p. 11) to his analysis, a person who is in the stage of living the chaos does
We also write to heighten our own awareness of life. ... We not have a reflective grasp of it (1995, p. 98). This may have been
write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. the case at the early stages of my enquiry when I was first reliving
...We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond the events that I describe in the journal, I do not think that this is
it. ... to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the the case now. While it is true that the journal returns to the same
journey into the labyrinth. themes, this is a consequence of its nature as a series of records
Anaïs Nin (1976, pp. 1112-1113) of thoughts and feelings, with no obvious coherent storyline and
because the same themes seemed to come back to me again and
Narrative inquiry covers a vast range of techniques for collecting
again. The only logic lies in the fact that the entries were more
sociological data from stories told. I have chosen to use a journal
or less in chronological sequence. But in revisiting my life now,
to represent and reflect on my experiences, and this has meant
there is no lack of reflection. Far from it; I have been only too
that my research can be seen as a form of narrative inquiry. It
aware of the chaos in my life, and of the disempowering effect
is, however, a special form of narrative because I did not use my
this had upon me. If it is correct to describe my early thoughts as
journal to tell a coherent story with sequence and with a particular
a chaos narrative, where “chaos stories remain the sufferer’s own
audience in mind, two features which Catherine Riessman and Jane
story” (1995, p. 115), it seems that now, in writing this thesis, I
Speedy identify as characteristic of a narrative (2007, p. 430).
have moved on towards a narrative that seeks to gain something
Donald Polkinghorne’s definition, prosaic text (2005, p. 71), is
out of the experiences it describes. It moved first into something
more flexible. Insofar as my objective was a kind of self-therapy,
of a restitution narrative, i.e. wanting to feel better, but then as my
the journal entries might be seen as a therapeutic conversation
research progressed it revealed to me that there was a wider purpose
with myself (McLeod, 1997, p. 143). Dave Hiles, speaking of the
in my journey. This thesis, in fact, can be seen as an example of
therapeutic role of narrative, says that what is important is that the
what Arthur Frank calls a quest narrative in that “the meaning of
narrator takes part in the telling of her story to another person:
the journey emerges recursively: the journey is taken in order to
In telling a story, I participate in the act of constructing
find out what sort of journey one has been taking” (1995, p. 117).
myself, I participate in the act of constructing my own
world. In participating in such an act, we reveal tacit Narrative inquiry has some advantages for life review, but also some
knowledge about our selves, and tacit knowledge of the
disadvantages in exploring trauma. It fits the notion of the self as
world we participate in. (Hiles, 2002, p. 12)

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Remembering the Way

part of an ongoing narrative of self, to adopt the terminology I wonder whether Carolyn Ellis and Art Bochner had this sort of
used, in a rather different context, by Marsha Rossiter (1999). challenge in mind when they wrote:
This focuses on the fact that the self is not a fixed entity, but rather
Believe me, honest autoethnographic exploration generates
an unfolding story. a lot of fears and doubts – and emotional pain. Just when
The self … really is constituted by the narratives of you think you can’t stand the pain any more, well, that’s
experience – the stories we tell about ourselves in order when the real work has only begun. Then there’s the
to explain ourselves to ourselves. Or, as Bruner (1990) vulnerability of revealing yourself, not being able to take
puts it, the self-narrative is the form through which the back what you’ve written or having any control over how
self as narrator depicts and makes meaning of the self as readers interpret it. It’s hard not to feel your life is being
protagonist. How one tells one’s life stories, how one selects critiqued as well, as you work. It can be humiliating. (Ellis
and frames the stories, both reveals and creates the self. & Bochner, 2000, p. 738)
(Rossiter, 1999, p. 62)
It is also akin to the methods used in narrative therapy, so that the
research process may have therapeutic benefit as well. The narrative
therapist may seek to connect the narrator’s personal story to the
needs of others, and to connect the narrator’s personal experience
within the story to broader social issues, to a unified view of the
narrator’s world (Hiles, 2002). The role of the narrative therapist,
therefore, is to help the narrator seek out the healing knowledge
that is implicit in their narrator storied responses to hardship, to
describe these responses more richly and to use the experience for
the benefit of themselves and others.

Trying to construct a narrative from trauma can, however, be

enormously difficult. I found that what I wrote reflected my
thoughts and feelings at the time as I sifted, sorted and trawled
through the debris over and over again, and this was a source of
great trouble for me. It meant that I was continually re-acquainted
with the pain. Returning to the journal each time meant that those
dark thoughts kept me in a kind of weighty and depressing holding
pattern. It made the task of organising the material a daunting one.

I felt a resurgence of the same painful experience when I returned

to these memories to re-examine them as part of the reflexive or
re-experiencing research processes.

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Organic Inquiry and psychological disciplines, including narrative, adapting them

as appropriate.

It is Monday morning 8:30 AM on 16 August 2010. I have meditated,

I’m back to being in an open space and seeing what moves me. I’m back done my small yoga practice and am sitting comfortably in my luxuriant,
to trusting the present moment. I am back to trying to capture something pink fluffy beanbag. I sip green tea from my fine china Klimt mug. The
before it has a formal definition or it dissolves. I seem to need to align with sun shines warmly on me and my eyes rest upon my wildly colour-filled
my intuitive knowing once again. I am living the phenomenological process balcony of flowers and herbs. I am set for another long day of study. I
that I am creating, how do I explain this? It is all part of the tension I open the first pages of an article, Organic Research, by a team led by
feel at the moment and I do not think I can resolve it by controlling it. Jennifer Clements (1998). More to read, I groan. Within minutes I am
Journal, 3 July 2009 chuckling and grinning. I think I’ve found my methodological sisterhood. I
come to life. With relief, I breathe deeply as happy tears fill my eyes. These
Transpersonal researchers seek to address the “ways of being are my people, my research tribe. They give me retrospective confidence
truly human: ways of going beyond the usual skin-encapsulated in the methodology I had been pursuing over the years and in the use of
ego with its narrowly constrained forms of knowing, being and creative arts as a research method and representation (Camden Pratt,
doing” (Braud, 2010). Transpersonal psychology recognises and 2002, p. 5). I am informed, nourished and blessed all at the same time.
honours the spiritual aspects of our being. These include “the I read on eagerly. In the opening paragraph, I’m already enthralled. They
quality of wonder” (Somerville, 2006), and the creative interaction say that they want –
between the participant and the self-development process that is to develop a methodology that uses the personal experience of the
taking place in them (D. Walker, 1985). William Braud speaks of researcher and co-researchers to create a sacred work that offers
intuitive inquiry, developed by Rosemarie Anderson; of organic transformation and healing to all who engage in it, researchers
and readers alike. Our work is a collaboration. (Clements, et
inquiry, developed by Jennifer Clements and colleagues, (Clements,
al., 1998, p. 114)
et al., 1998) and of his own integral inquiry (Braud, 2010). The
“Yes”, I shout. I find myself writing all over their article, red pen, green
intuitive inquiry approach emphasises the use of various forms
and pink highlighter, blue marks, crosses and asterisks.
of intuition, sympathetic resonance as a validity indicator, and I text my colleague, Jenny Hill. I’m eager to share the excitement. We can
employs “embodied writing” as a way of effectively communicating do this! There is hope; there is light.
one’s findings to others (Anderson, 1998). William Braud says that Imagine that our work is sacred and that it has the potential of offering
integral inquiry expands on conventional research aims to “include “transformation and healing” not only for ourselves, but also for others
increments in wisdom as well as knowledge, and to emphasize who engage in it; readers and researchers alike! “The personal is used
transformation (of research participants, researcher, audience and as an opening to the experiences of all people, and the guiding tenet of
society at large) as well as information” (2010). He adds that the artistic knowing is a faith that the process will carry us to deeper levels of
integral researcher’s “sources of inspiration are expanded to include, insight and knowledge” (McNiff, 2000, p. 36). This means that what
not only findings and theories from psychology, but also those in we struggle with has value beyond what we do in our own, solitary and
areas of the natural sciences, sociology, anthropology, philosophy, isolated rooms. It may be of value to other people.
literature, the arts, these spiritual and wisdom traditions, and Organic inquiry differs from other qualitative transpersonal
personal and anecdotal evidence” (2010). It is not surprising that research methodologies in a number of ways: it emphasises “the
these researchers have adopted the techniques of other sociological psychological and spiritual preparation and adequateness of the

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Remembering the Way

researcher, and the importance of the active use of transpersonally- Some of these features are shared with other qualitative research
relevant resources (e.g. contemplation, dreams, intuition, approaches, and others are new to the research context. Like
synchronicities, dialogue with an inner figure or muse) in such William Braud (2004, p. 20), I would prefer to call it an approach
preparation. It holds that research may result in transformation (of to research rather than a specific method. The point that Susan
the investigator, research participants, and reader/audience) as well Finley makes about arts-based research, in relation to artful ways
as information. It uses alternative ways of knowing, such as feeling, of knowing and being in the world, is that “arts-based researchers
sensing and intuiting, and emphasises the use, value and power of make a rather audacious challenge to the dominant, entrenched
stories. It values describing the context of discovery as well as the academic community and its claims to scientific ways of knowing”
context of justification in research reports. It indicates the need to (2008, p. 72). Organic inquiry, too, makes a break away from
let go of egoic control and preset methodological structures in the traditional academic orthodoxy. What is most distinctive about this
service of new knowledge. It emphasises the power of intention organic approach is the rich combination of many of the features
and gives a formal invitation to the readers/audience of research identified by William Braud, to which I have referred, and the
reports to involve themselves fully in what is being presented to much greater than usual emphasis of some of them – particularly
them – to involve their hearts as well as their heads. It gives, too, the suggested sources of inspiration, the necessary release from
suggested indicators of transformation, especially the increased egoic and other constraints during certain phases of the research,
access to and appreciation of Self, Spirit, and Service” (Braud, and the researcher’s aim of achieving transformational changes in
2004, pp. 18-19). the researcher, research participants, and reader/audience of the
final research report (Braud, 2004, p.19).
Other features, too, distinguish it from more conventional scientific
research: What surprised and delighted me, however, was that its features
Organic inquiry does not seek to inform the reader by reflected the central aspects of my own attitude to the research
generalizing results from the data. Instead, the researcher that I had been conducting for some five years. Dorothy Ettling
analyzes the data by way of her or his own personal story gladdened my heart when she wrote that she saw organic inquiry as
and the stories of the participants; thereby facilitating
enabling her to include in her research her belief in “the sacredness
the reader’s ability to identify with the material and find
unique and personal meanings therein. Throughout the of all human experience” and “the transformative potential of
process of organic inquiry, the individual reader’s potential expanding consciousness through dialogue and reflection” (2000,
transformation is held by the researcher to be the goal of p. 5). This is how I see my work.
the work. This transformation may be a small insight or a
major re-visioning of oneself. The researcher serves as the As I read about organic inquiry for the first time I was barely able to
facilitator between the primary material and each reader. She contain my excitement. In the midst of this, Jenny Hill and I were
or he aims at harvesting some part of the essential wisdom furiously texting each other – my last message to her reads “I love what
of the topic and directly presenting it to the individual I am doing – finally”. Sacred! For me, the word and idea of the sacred
reader by way of stories that re-create the experiences of is embedded in my research. My work is a prayer, a plea, an invocation
the participants. (Clements, Ettling, & Jenett, 1997, p. 2; of the sacred. The sacred means to cross the threshold of the physical to a
Ettling, 2000, pp. 4-5) heightened sense of attunement to all that is possible. The sacred is with
Dorothy Ettling says, too, that organic inquiry is grounded in us, and present always. We can hear it in the whisperings and intuitive
responsibility, reverence and awe for the earth and all her inhabitants hunches that call us on. Its voice is subtle and fine. It is shy and yet
seductive.
as well as for the mysteries of life and creativity (2000, p. 5).

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 Chapter 5 The Bricoleur’s Nest

Jennifer Clements and her colleagues link the word “sacred” to a aspects of humanity, which are the stuff of the transpersonal.
moon metaphor (1998, p. 116), the cycles of ebb and flow, turn and
To my surprise, the introduction of the principles of organic
return, birth, life and death. It is a powerful metaphor – feminine,
research into my work has brought an unexpected healing for me. I
changing and mysterious. I have always likened the subjective
had always measured my worth by reference to a largely patriarchal
aspects of my enquiry to the moon: a light that is reflective, fecund
and intellect-driven standard, despite the fact that I do not live
and feminine. I wrote moon poetry and I celebrated her cycles. The
by these standards myself, nor do I particularly admire them.
formal writing up of the thesis, however, requires more of a solar
Yet, somehow, I still held those values as a reference point for
aspect – the more masculine, worldly, logical approach for which
myself; as a litmus test for self-assessment. I harboured the idea
the sun is an image. I need both.
that my work was not “real research” as it involves a subjective
The Feminine is not more valuable than the Masculine; it is
simply the missing half that we need to complete ourselves. focus on emotionality. I knew all along that my intellect-centred
Our exaltation of the Masculine has wrought wondrous reference point was misplaced, but it seemed immovable. Extensive
blessings in our lives. We have developed a capacity to research carried out by Antonio Damasio (1999) on emotions and
think and to plan, to subdue nature and to create a quality consciousness indicates that emotions are also vital to the higher
of life beyond anything we could have even imagined reaches of human intelligence. Contrary to some popular notions,
several hundred years ago. But the loss of the Feminine is
emotions do not “get in the way of ” rational thinking – emotions
increasingly injurious to the deeper layers of our lives. The
Feminine is not superior to the Masculine, but because it are essential to rationality. In truth, the combination of fact and
carries what we lack, it may seem more desirable than what emotion is critical to decision-making. I can now appreciate the
we have. (Sullivan, 1990, p. 27) amalgamation of feeling and sensation with rational cognition, as
considered by organic inquiry, and need not privilege one over the
The tension of the opposites had been created. Together, they
other.
would birth the final thesis. Organic inquiry had provided a
framework for this. Organic research, as a methodology that has been accepted along
with other methodologies, has also provided me with the validation
Like any qualitative research method, organic research has been
to assert my own authority and find my own voice. It was a style of
subject to the criticisms that I have discussed in my consideration
enquiry that I had been instinctively drawn to all along. It meant
of autoethnography in this chapter. It is said of this approach,
that I now had a legitimate methodological framework to which I
too, that there is a danger of self-absorption, solipsism, and
could relate.
even narcissism, if the approach is not used carefully. Generally,
the researcher’s voice, although central, is only one facet of the
enquiry, and it is complemented by other data and summaries,
and by a rich background tapestry of work within the field itself.
It is true that, like an autoethnographer, the organic enquirer
believes that the “encouragement of the personal voice of the
researcher immeasurably deepens the research and increases its
transformational potential for the reader” (Clements, et al., 1998,
p. 119). The researcher’s contribution is to expand the materials
upon which this personal voice can draw, to include those spiritual

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Remembering the Way

I Spoke to The Moon

I spoke to the moon of love I spoke to the moon of love
She cradled my heart on She gave Joy its light
the distant mountain and peace its faith

I spoke to the moon of love I spoke to the moon of love

She cried the tears She cried my brooding
of unshared dreams laments
her shadow of departure
I spoke to the moon of love
left Silver the seas
She answered me in
symbols I spoke to the moon of love
Redemption, she said, comes
I spoke to the moon of love
only when the dappled
She held sorrow by the hand
light of longing meets
and walked the shores of
its own destiny
mystery
Jenni Harris, 28 July 2008

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 Chapter 5 The Bricoleur’s Nest

A bias in favour? I needed these core values and beliefs to help me find a way to make
the complexities of an emergent process transparent. Inevitably,
Confirmation bias exists where a decision maker actively seeks out much of what I was exploring changed over time, under the influence
and assigns more weight to evidence that confirms their hypothesis of more, different and wider readings, events, circumstances
and ignores or under-weighs evidence that could cast doubt on it. and perspectives. I discovered that, what was so important and
I wonder whether I have such a bias in favour of the principles meaningful to me at one time, later changed significantly. This
of organic inquiry? Now that I am attracted to such enquiry, am has been part of the unfolding of my self through time (Rossiter,
I searching for or interpreting information in a way that matches 1999), which has been, in part, a product of my research process.
what I want to believe? Do I have the openness of mind that is the
characteristic of a true researcher? Early in the enquiry, and at a Davydd Greenwood and Morton Levin define scientific research
time when I felt fragile, I wrote this: as “investigative activity capable of discovering that the world is
or is not organized as our preconceptions lead us to expect and
I have a vested emotional interest in wanting to believe in the possibilities suggesting grounded ways of understanding and acting on it”
of expanded consciousness. I also realise that I am not so good at critical, (2007, pp. 55-56). While I was able finally to suspend many of
objective evaluation. I am not sure what it is that I rely on, but maybe I my beliefs to hear what others had to say, my belief in the existence
can loosely call it “intuition” for now.
of the spiritual is a deep part of me, which has not in the least
And so my enquiry highlights, quite dramatically to me, that I have a
been diminished by anything I have discovered in this enquiry. So I
particularly strong bias in wanting to believe in the existence of some
form of spiritual consciousness. need to share this with you, my reader, in order that you may have
regard to it in approaching my work. It is the canvas into which
Journal, 6 June 2006
my story is woven. However, I have moved beyond many of my
Initially, I wanted to hold on to my own beliefs and ideas, to preconceptions and found grounded ways to act, and, to the extent
follow them through and then, later on, in the light of my further that I have been committed to a form of enquiry that has been able
research, to be prepared to modify them or let them go if necessary. to do this, perhaps I can claim it as scientific research in Davydd
Nevertheless, I always felt bound by certain core values and beliefs Greenwood and Morton Levin’s terms.
that were important for me.
I realise, too, that another way to look at this issue is to see that
My degree of fallibilism – “that commitment to hold the theory lightly, to the axiology (values) and ontology (view of reality) that are made
live with uncertainty and ambiguity, and to always be prepared to revise explicit in organic research fit my own worldview. Researchers
our views” (Orange, 1995, p. 3) – is questionable. I am prepared to inevitably bring their values and their understanding of reality to
deal with uncertainty and ambiguity – even though I don’t always like it. their work. What is important is to be reflexive enough to be aware
But, at this stage, I do not find myself open to revising my views around of these and honest enough to make them clear.
the value or existence of spiritual and transpersonal paradigms, which are
so important to me. At the moment, I feel compelled to investigate and
to form personal understandings from lived experience, reflection and
theoretical concepts. But I cannot at this stage pull apart or abandon that
which I am tenderly attempting to know.
Journal, 6 June 2006

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Remembering the Way

An enquiry into the transpersonal. Jungian terms, a transcendent function. I was acutely aware of
preserving my more feminine fluid way of functioning and not
The approaches of both organic inquiry and intuitive inquiry are having it hijacked. Rachael Feather supported my more intuitive
anchored in transpersonal scholarship and feminine spirituality. way of working –
They attend to the full exploration of human experience; they Mythically and archetypally, it’s all very consistent with the
“delve deeply into the most profound and inexplicable aspects “woman’s way” of working. … continue the “dance” with
of human experiences, including mystical and unitive experiences, your feminine and thereby continue to generate your own
experiences of transformation, extraordinary insight, meditative unique fabric which has its own integrity, its own pattern, its
own weave. (personal communication, August 26th 2010)
awareness, altered states of consciousness, and self-actualization”
(Anderson, 1998, p. 71). The challenge for me was to devise a The process that I pursued has benefitted from the work of
method of including this exploration in my enquiry. Both organic organic and intuitive researchers, and this has much strengthened
research and intuitive research seek to achieve this by drawing upon my research, and my sense of myself as a person and as a researcher.
multiple ways of knowing; they “work in partnership with sources
I cast my mind back to the work of Monique Watford, which I
beyond the ego” (Clements, 2004, p. 26), and the techniques they
have discussed in the last chapter. I know nothing of her sense
use respond to the essence of the feminine.
of self as she entered upon her research fifteen years after her
Jungian tradition recognises this. “Jungian thinking is often husband’s suicide. I can say that mine had been shattered by the
feminine in nature, progressing in spirals, circling around an image time I commenced this project. Perhaps this ego diminishment and
or an individual or a state; it does not move linearly from A to B vulnerability were necessary to allow me to enter the liminal area,
to C as mainstream analytical thought attempts to do” (Sullivan, to gather experience and return. Jennifer Clements, however, offers
1990, p. 136). To explore and record my lived experiences I found the following advice to researchers:
myself immersed in the world of what I call the sacred feminine, Researchers must be able to determine the differences in
diving into the resources of the dark moon-like right brain – and the data between subjective and objective, spiritual and
then back to the top side of the sun-filled masculine hemisphere of material, self and other. They must have healthy egos in
order to step beyond them and equally strong intellects to
the left brain. Jean Houston describes the benefit of this:
assess the validity of the organic process as it progresses.
Linear, sequential solutions will yield to the knowing that Analytical skills and the ability to clearly articulate the
comes from seeing things in whole gestalts, in constellations, resulting knowledge are critical. (Clements, 2004, p. 28)
rather than in discrete facts. The appreciation of process will
be celebrated along with the seeking of end goals. Cultures My experience bears this out. Throughout my enquiry I felt that
in which the feminine archetype is powerful emphasize I was, at the same time, dissolving my sense of identity and re-
being rather than doing, deepening rather than producing forming myself in relation to the world in which I found myself.
and achieving. Such cultures are non-heroic; they tend to
My ego seemed to be playing a double role: it was at times working
make things work, cohere, grow. (Houston, 1987, p. 15)
in areas beyond its grasp and not at all in control; at other times
The organic approach is informed by these values of the sacred it was an indispensible aid to my work of analysis and evaluation.
feminine – it is a research paradigm that requires collaboration, This is where the techniques of organic inquiry can be most
inclusiveness and interdependence. It is also informed by feminist useful. They permit the researcher to bring her own feelings and
impulses such as the balance between subjectivity and objectivity, experiences to bear as instruments of her research (Ettling, 2000).
where dissonance and tension can create a new perspective – in

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 Chapter 5 The Bricoleur’s Nest

Organic inquiry also differs from other research methodologies I have begun to see personal transformation in a much less
in that it seeks to use new perspectives to expand the mind and individualistic way. I have been moved by the value and
also the heart of the reader. It requires a “listening and a receiving the power of sharing this process with others. Personal
transformation is the on-going process of becoming fully
rather than analysis, explanation or categorization” – an interim
oneself and sharing that with others. Through it, one knows
suspension of analytical thought (Rossiter, 1999, p. 69). Like a and experiences connectedness and unity with all that is.
therapist listening to a patient’s narrative, the reader must “suspend It is the path of a consciously chosen spiritual journey.
judgement and bear with the patient in ‘hopeful puzzlement’ as her (Clements, et al., 1998, p. 127)
or his story is told” (Rossiter, 1999, p. 69).

In this thesis I am presenting my own version of some of the

aspects of what it is to be human and inviting you to share this
experience. I realise that you may see parts of your own story here
too. You are, in effect, invited “to engage with the study using mind
as well as heart, allowing it to relate to and impact [your] own
experience of the topic” (Clements, 2004, p. 30). The thesis, then,
is a mediation between heart and mind, neither of which is more
important than the other; each requires a crossing of the threshold
and ultimately a return for re-integration. The participant,
the researcher and the reader are required to travel through the
multiple ways of knowing and understanding. In and out and in
again, the process is circular rather than linear – perhaps more like
a spiral, as the heart dream showed. As with posttraumatic growth,
it “develops in three dimensions, as an upward spiral with some
moves forward and some slips backwards on the way to the next
rise” (Weiss, 2005, p. 216).

I appreciate that you have been walking alongside me for some

distance. I thank you for this, and hope that you are deriving from
my vulnerability and heartfelt writing an emotional awareness of,
and reverence for, these “topics of an intimate and sacred nature”
(Clements, et al., 1997, p. 3).

149
 Chapter 6

Others’ Ways
 In spiritual growth, it is important to avoid imbalances
between academic or intellectual learning and practical
implementation. Otherwise there is a danger that too much
intellectualization will kill the more contemplative practices and
too much emphasis on practical implementation without study will
kill the understanding. There has got to be a balance.

In the Himalyan mountains HH The Dalai Lama

above Dharamsala
(2011, www.dalailama.com)

153
 Shared
Experience
Wisdom of Others
doctorate has
of w hat writing this
beginning to ge t an id ea to have direct
I am only now lit er at ure that seems
w I begin to se
ek ou t erstood had
been about as no t I would have und

Academic
not su re w ha t have
ow ledg e of th is quest. I am jo u rn ey ; pe rh aps I would no
kn t the
ticles throughou
I read these ar
ar them.

Literature
been able to he e to reflect,
sp on se - a wise guid
s acte d as a re conversation
The literature ha th inki ng - as if I was in
rther exte nd m y y, like a
challenge or fu t of te n it rose up, as I sa
timate level. M os prayer.
with it on an in y qu es tion , co nfusion or silent
could hear m es that I read
wise voice that books and articl
or s of idance.
of th e au th u ragement and gu
The many voices fe ri ng m e en co r if
th e vo ices th at interceded, of u rn al ar ticl es I begin to wonde
wer e wed jo ative, which
ure and peer revie form of my narr
As I read literat ad m ap , in th e
to some of the
ight provide a ro ergence, points
my doctorate m sp ir it u al em ath of
of the stages of rough the afterm
sets out some ays to na vigat e th
ests possible w
pitfalls and sugg
trauma or grief. like Shanti
ly th ose of women
read moved me;
es pe ci al ch into women
Many articles I an d H olly R ee d. Their resear at I have
t
ne Camden Prat the knowledge th
Persaud, Catheri iratio n fo r m e plu s
ent provided insp
facing the desc
fellow compani
ons. ther and the
jig sa w are coming toge
gh, that parts of th e periences
It is now thou y co nf u si ng an d bewildering ex
m
w acknowledge king.
literature can no a tr an sf ormative underta oughts
as being valid ph
ases of
, 20 0 9 early morning th

Conceptual Knowing
M ar ch 20

Expanded
Perspectives

155
 Chapter 6

Others’ Ways

As on a climb in the Himalayas a guide or Sherpa is

recommended, when one is setting out, there is a lot to be
learned from those who have gone before us.
A n image comes to mind. It harks back to the last days when
we were walking on the Compostela path. I was sitting in
a restaurant with my fellow pilgrims on the eve of reaching our
John O’Donohue (2003, p. 257) destination of of Santiago. They were people who had travelled
from all over the world, with their own stories and motivations, to
follow this mediaeval path. We had, of course, met before; we had
travelled in the same direction at more or less the same pace for
weeks. We had shared and compared our experiences and the trials
and triumphs of the pilgrimage. But, at this stage of our journey,
our conversation turned to other things. How did you find the
walk? What have you discovered? How this has changed you? What
lies ahead for you now? The conversation wanders in all directions.
Wisdom, insights and a sense of congratulatory kinship fill the air.

Today, as I sit in the beautiful gardens of my art therapy studio,

surrounded by a multitude of articles written by my fellow
researchers on topics that have engaged me in the course of my
enquiry, it seems right to ask similar questions. I want to situate my
study in the context of other published research enquiries, to find
out what it is they have done and what they have discovered along
the way. I want to explore and share their experiences, trials and
triumphs on their similar journeys, and to listen to, savour, enjoy
and contemplate the commonalities and the differences between us.
I want to contribute what my own findings yield, not as generalised
conclusions or explanations, but as insight and understanding into
these human experiences. And this is what I now set out to do.

For this purpose, I have refined my search into roughly into eight
categories. I start with studies that deal with the age-old concern

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Remembering the Way

of psychology, understanding the consequences of trauma. The

second category concerns grief, bereavement and suicidology; the
third deals with the implications of mindfulness and meditation;
the fourth is about the value of art as a therapeutic response to
trauma; the fifth with the value of autoethnography; the sixth
with the importance of myths and the spirit; the seventh with the
practice of life review; and the eighth, the most challenging and
rewarding, is about the process of self-transformation which has
become so important for me.

In preparing this chapter I wrestled long and hard with many

articles based on the behavioural therapies, but I found many of
them unsatisfying; they showed a tendency to focus on symptoms
and short-term fixes, rather than on what I see as the deeper soul
imperatives. I felt that they failed to give sufficient value to life
phases or to spiritual considerations. I accept that many of them
adopt a traditional scientific approach, examining hypotheses which
are logical, reliably interpretive and systemically predictive, but I
find this limited and prescriptive. Generally, I prefer to examine
the literature which accepts those values which are central to my
research paradigm.

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Reviewing Past Trauma The impact of trauma is generally well acknowledged. There is still
an expectation in society, however, that a person affected by trauma
should be stoic, stay positive, pull herself together quickly, and
Although spiritual emergency provides an opportunity to cause no further distress to anyone . “Social resistance and denial
new healing and growth to occur, … it also poses a risk of personal pain and injustice make it difficult for individuals
for increased psychopathology or vulnerability to future to undergo the process of self renewal” (Jaffe, 1985, p. 115).
psychopathology, depending upon how the person meets Experience shows that the impact of trauma may last for decades.
the experience.
Repression of this may cause a distressful secret pain that creates
Brant Cortwright (1997, p. 160) further insecurity, isolation and guilt, and “traumatic memories may
intrude into awareness throughout a lifetime in vague impressions
The definition of trauma proposed by the Diagnostic and Statistical
that are intensely felt yet little understood” (D. A. Harris, 2009, p.
Manual of Mental Disorders (American Psychiatric Association, Task
94). Erik Erikson’s work (1980) shows that, of the eight stages of
Force on DSM-IV-TR, 2000) includes as an essential component
human personality development, “old age is a time for review and
that the traumatised person has “experienced, witnessed, or was
resolution as well as a time of loss and vulnerability” (Hunt, 1997,
confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened
p. 9). It is a time to examine and come to terms with the good and
death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of
the bad, including trauma experienced.
self or others”. As John Briere and Catherine Scott point out,
this definition “underestimates the extent of actual trauma in the Although I do not think that I am yet in the eighth stage of my life,
general population” (2006, p. 4). They would enlarge the definition I have wondered whether the urge that I felt in 2005 to respond to
so that it includes a requirement that the person experience or the call to undertake this journey was a reflection of this need for
witness an event or experience that “is extremely upsetting and at review. It is true that my objectives of coming to terms with my
least temporarily overwhelms the individual’s internal resources” past and of engaging in generative behaviour reflect Erik Erikson’s
(2006, p. 4). This accords with the approach of other clinicians: positive character strengths, the achievement of which he says, is
We use the words crisis, trauma, traumatic event, and a hallmark of ego integrity (Torges, Stewart, & Duncan, 2008,
similar expressions interchangeably as roughly synonymous p. 1005). The significant difference, however, is that I have long
expressions. It should be clear that other clinicians and
felt the need to undertake an enquiry such as this, at least since my
scholars tend to prefer a precise distinction between these
words, but we do not. Our focus is on events that, to husband’s death in 1994.
use a metaphor, have seismic impact on the individual’s
The immediate consequence of this event was that the demands
worldview and emotional functioning. Just as an earthquake
can produce a dramatic shaking or shattering of physical of meeting the requirements, psychological, financial and social,
structures, the events on which we focus in this book produce of my children and myself meant that I had to keep going, just to
a severe shaking up, or often shattering, of the individuals survive. Often it is only long after an experience such as this that
understanding of the world (Janoff-Bulman, 1992) and a the time is right to reflect. My own enquiry suggests that someone
significant increase in emotional distress (Joseph, Williams, who has “survived’ and functioned well in society, may still need to
& Yule, 1995). (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 1999, pp. 1-2)
undertake further work, a difficult journey, to integrate traumatic
I prefer this wider definition. This is the meaning of trauma that I memories back into later life and to continue on to generativity
have adopted in my work. and wisdom, rather than fall back into stagnation, depression and

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despair. Linda Hunt writes: (Deimling, Kahana, Bowman, & Schaefer, 2002; Monti et al.,
Even less well understood than the persistence of distress 2006; Weiss, 2005), and sexual assaults (Frazier, Conlon, & Glaser,
has been the fact that some people successfully cope or 2001), may raise different issues. Even so, it appears that one of a
suppress the emotional pain for many years, only to find number of common threads indicating the likelihood of recovery
that it returns in later life in ways that may be difficult for
from the disabling consequences of trauma of whatever kind is,
persons affected and those around them to understand.
For example, the fact that “difficult” behaviour in old age, to a greater or less extent, the presence of a sense of spirituality
anxiety and apparent confusion may be the consequences in the patient (Decker, 2007, p. 38). Spirituality, in this context
of the continuing struggle to come to terms with earlier is distinct from a religious sense. Larry Decker defines it this way:
traumatic experience is not yet widely appreciated. Nor is I use spirituality to indicate the search for purpose and
it well understood that these responses can occur because meaning involving both the transcendent (the experience
painful memories have been triggered through reminiscence of existence beyond the physical/psychological) and
work or life review. … Reminiscence can be life enhancing, immanence (the discovery of the transcendent in the
of course, and for some elderly people opportunities for life physical/psychological), regardless of religious affiliation.
review are very valuable, but currently too little attention is (Decker, 2007, p. 32)
given to the possibility that times past include traumatic
experience with which it has not yet been possible to come I would have liked Larry Decker’s definition and consequent
to terms. (Hunt, 1997, p. 3) enquiry to have gone further. Others understand spirituality, in
this context, to mean more than a person’s relationship with the
While it is true that the principal event was the suicide of my
inner life (B. D. Rumbold, 2003; 2006, pp. 36-37). They call
husband, this was preceded by the events of my childhood and
for a relational approach to spirituality, mapping the person’s
followed by a multitude of stressors after his death. My enquiry
significant connections with places and things, with ourselves, with
was an examination of the continuing impact of some of these
significant others and with groups and communities, as well as any
aspects many years later. Speaking of the effects of wartime
allegiance to formal belief systems (B. D. Rumbold, 2007, p. S62).
trauma, Bas J. N. Schreuder warns:
Some researchers would go further, including in their definition
The specific situation of the individual and the significance
of the traumatic experiences in that person’s life together the urge to be “creating or finding community, being useful to
give the psychotrauma an individual character and for others, enjoying nature, or seeking awe, joy, beauty, and wonder in
this reason it is necessary to be cautious about making relationships and in nature”(Pearlman & Caringi, 2009, p. 215).
generalisations. Not only is there a fundamental difference
between the historic reality of, say, a German concentration As I have mentioned, spirituality in this broad sense has been an
camp and a Japanese internment camp, but the experiences important aspect of my background and of my approach to this
and perceptions of two survivors of exactly the same enquiry.
camp also have a strictly personal meaning. It is advisable,
therefore, to draw a distinction between the general, often I regard spirituality as that which relates to the human spirit or soul
more concrete, characteristics of trauma and their individual and is not only dependent on physical or material comforts. It has
perception and significance. (Schreuder, 1997, p. 18) something to do with a connection to a wise and larger reality that
Work done, therefore, with Holocaust survivors (Trappler, Cohen, animates our lives and is based ultimately on love.
& Tulloo, 2007), sufferers from depression and PTSD following
war service (Decker, 2007; Shalev et al., 1998), serious illness

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Death of a significant other by suicide is a stressor of

unparalleled magnitude in most people’s lives, and
even the most psychologically mature individual may
encounter difficulty in responding to it.
Edward Dunne (as cited in Fine, 1997, p. 163)

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Grief and Bereavement terms with the loss of the loved one and restoration-orientation,
where she makes adjustments to enable her to live in her new world.
They propose that the survivor oscillates between these processes,
In my research I was attempting, as Robert Neimeyer and that where therapy is required it should be tailored to the
explains, to “assemble a coherent account of the traumatic requirements of each of these processes as it occurs.
imagery and then consider the significance of the trauma
story for the larger narrative” (2005b, p. 73). In contrast to writers who want to systematise grief into neat
stages, Diana Sands (2008) prefers to consider the process in the
I disclose at the outset that I have a difficulty with much of the context of suicide survival in three unfolding stages: understanding
research that I have read on this topic. I do not see the debilitating relationship; reconstructing relationship and repositioning
effects of trauma – grief and bereavement – as a medical problem relationship – in each case the relationship is that between the
to be cured or as requiring a set of techniques that, once applied, survivor and the loved one and between her and others. When she
will lead to the patient “getting over” her discomfort. Surely the builds this into a non-linear framework she depicts the process as a
impact of events that cause her foundations to shake, her view of journey through a labyrinth. I set out in full her description of this
herself to collapse and her very existence to be called into question, image, which has been so important for me in my research.
deserves more than a consideration of procedures designed to The metaphor of the labyrinth provides a way of
achieve a process of adjustment. I prefer a more holistic approach – understanding suicide grief themes surfaced in this study
one that addresses the underlying spiritual impact of the traumatic in the process of meaning making. Initially, receiving the
message of intentionality and the inherent challenge to
experience. I prefer an approach that accepts that struggle with
assumptive beliefs provokes a quest to understand why
trauma is a part of life, acknowledging that it is not an easy struggle. this has happened. The bereaved, attempting to decode the
I believe that such an approach offers more than relief from the message of intentionality, try on the deceased’s shoes. The
incapacities that trauma can engender; it opens the sufferer to the journey to the centre can be likened to walking in the shoes
possibility of posttraumatic growth. In this sense, personal crisis of the deceased as the bereaved reconstruct the life and
can be seen as an invitation for renewal. death of the deceased, increasingly taking on the mindset
of the deceased and thereby becoming vulnerable to suicidal
Attitudes have moved past the essentially linear analysis of grief ideation. The relationship with the deceased tends to be
proposed by Freud. This envisaged the survivor severing her maladaptive and intensely focused on the pain of living and
attachment to the loved one and adjusting to a new relationship dying endured by the deceased, and fraught with meaning
making difficulties. The degree of intensity and engagement
with him and the world in which she continued to live, moving with particular themes moves the griever spiralling inwards
through an acute phase, to a despairing phase, and then to a phase to the central vortex of loss, fear and the violent dying of
of reorganisation, all in a period of one to two years (Regehr & the deceased. Although each journey undertaken by the
Sussman, 2004, p. 291). It is now seen as a more complicated bereaved is uniquely different and there are many possible
process. The survivor must deal with multiple stressors, which grief trajectories, it is suggested that in general the bereaved
will depend upon the particular circumstances of the loss and will engage with the themes surfaced in this study. Some
of the bereaved will find the journey too difficult and be
the characteristics of the survivor herself. Margaret Stroebe and
unable to negotiate suicide grief themes, placing them at
Henrik Schut (1999) have identified the two distinct aspects of risk of grief complications, prolonged grief disorder and
this grieving process: loss-orientation, where the survivor comes to suicidality. In varying degrees of intensity the bereaved

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arrive at the centre and reflect on the death of their loved and different. He lives on inside me, guiding and shaping who I am
one through imagined or physical re-enactments. This tends and what I seek to become (Berzoff, 2006, p. 125). Most certainly
to provoke reflections concerning their own existence and too, I have formed a new relationship with life, which I describe in
reason for continued living. Analysis suggests that for many
chapter 7. I sense that I now have a calmer heart; one that accepts
this means they reflect on their own choice to live or die,
and in the process of choosing to live differentiate from the the is-ness of the situation, although there are still times when I
deceased who made a different choice, to die. Grief group fall back into the immense sadness and gaping hole that his death
data suggests that after a time of interacting with the death has created. The difference, as Diana Sands says, is not only “in the
story material the griever accepts the incomprehensibility intensity of despair, feelings of guilt, abandonment and confusion”
and lack of meaning, designated in this study as the blind (2008, p. 203), but in the lessening number of times that I revisit
spot in the act of self-destruction. The bereaved are then those feelings.
left to negotiate the blind spot, as even though they have
walked the walk of the deceased right up to putting the Consequently I found Diana Sands’ model to be more satisfying,
rope over the head or standing on the cliff they have moved even though it, too, speaks in terms of stages. In my experience, the
away and back into living. Thus ultimately it is inexplicable
why their loved ones chose differently. (Sands, 2008, image of a labyrinth-like process, spiralling back and forth, in and
p. 202) out, step by step, but generally heading in the direction of recovery,
better describes the process of grieving. It is a model that holds
I noticed that, after my bereavement, I gradually began to move real hope for a renewed sense of meaning and life. She continues:
away from the horrors of my memories and from ruminating over When resources and group support are available something
the circumstances and the method of Alan’s death, and the final profoundly mysterious and life affirming can happen as the
moments his life. Perhaps death by suicide particularly draws the bereaved move away from the dark and desolate place of
survivor’s mind back to these thoughts as she faces the repetitive thinking about the final moments of their loved one’s death.
voice within her that says “what if…?”, and endlessly returns to They notice at first hints and suggestions of new beginnings
of life; for some this opens the possibility of repositioning
the “whys” and to those other questions that can never truly be
the relationship with the deceased and developing a new
answered. I felt I had found a degree of acceptance and insight way of relating with their loved one as a positive, ongoing
about Alan’s motivation for taking his own life, but my focus had presence in their life. However, even in affirming the new
become more on wanting to understand, what does his death mean relationship with a loved one there is a huge sadness and
in our lives? and, how can it be used to connect us with others missing, and at times a return to the initial questions about
and to assist them in their own suffering? In this way I hoped that why it had to happen. The difference is in the intensity of
the despair, feelings of guilt, abandonment and confusion.
the loss of his life might somehow be redeemed so that his death
The emphasis has shifted to sadness and missing, and even
would not have been entirely wasted. though there is often no rational explanation a sufficient
degree of meaning has been made to allow the beginning of
For a long time I found myself, like the participants in Diana Sands’
acceptance. Relationships with the self and others generally
grief groups, retracing Alan’s final hours hundreds of times in my improve, with the bereaved reporting feeling more at peace
mind, spiralling in and out. But now, in my heart and in my mind, I and able to function better in their lives. (Sands, 2008,
cradle him in his last hours of despair, pain and aloneness. I quietly p. 203)
repeat a soft mantra, ”may my love mitigate your darkness”. I have
I agree. To my mind, to reduce such an intimate and personal
not severed my ties with him; rather, our relationship is changed
experience to a series of preconceived stages or theoretical concepts

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risks stultifying spiritual growth instead of nurturing it. Our guidance, memories associated with the loved one can become
work as therapists must address the whole person: the physical, places, not of deadness or disease, but of growth. Trauma and loss,
the psychological, the social, the cultural, and the spiritual. Most despite their destructiveness and brutality, can crack open the ego
counselling work involves facing grief one way or another. I and displace people so that they can gain access to deeper parts
suggest that an understanding of the impact of grief is of such of themselves, to other realms of consciousness and reality. It can
importance to all health practitioners that a study of this should throw people onto the path of searching, like the mythic heroes
be made available to them, not only to specialist clinicians. who have travelled before us.

A theme which runs through the literature, is that the integration Robert Neimeyer (Neimeyer, 2004a) and his colleagues at the
of grief requires that the survivor restore meaning to her life University of Memphis have undertaken extensive research on
(Goldsworthy, 2005, p. 175; Solomon, 2004, p. 300). The many facets of grief after bereavement: its impact, coming to terms
survivor needs to establish a new relationship with the world in with it and the potential for posttraumatic growth. Writing about
which she finds herself (Goldsworthy, 2005, p. 175). She needs posttraumatic growth, he contends that it “could entail seeking
to engage in the process which Nelson Goodman has called new coherence in a disorganizing life experience, finding ways to
worldmaking (1978) and which others have called meaning acknowledge and validate one’s own suffering and that of others,
making or meaning-reconstruction (Sands, 2008). This requires and resisting the imposition of oppressive post-loss identities that
an ongoing readjustment of old assumptions and relationships, constrict one’s self narrative” (Neimeyer, 2005b, p. 74). I would
including the establishment of the new relationship with the argue that new positive, but not oppressive, post-loss identities can
deceased person or with his memory that is a characteristic of serve a valuable function in the construction of meaning for the
integrated grief (Goldsworthy, 2005, p. 172; Shear & Shair, 2005, survivor, and need to be considered and incorporated in the process,
p. 261). Jeffrey Solomon takes the matter a little further in a paper rather than denied. They have formed part of the background to
which is concerned with meaning making as an adjustment process the suffering and, if carefully managed, may expand the survivor’s
following trauma (2004). In this paper he proposes a model identity, and indicate an evolutionary way forward.
with three processes: metaphor construction, world making, and When the resultant growth is largely an elaboration of
developing contexts of action (Solomon, p. 300). In the third stage the survivor’s resilient preloss self-narrative, identity might
he observes that the bereaved seeks to restore meaning to her life by be considered evolutionary, but when adaption requires
a radical reordering of life’s priorities and values and the
acting within a specific context. This may involve her in generating
development of major new capacities and roles, the change
a new self-concept (Solomon, p. 316), accepting a vision of the can indeed become revolutionary. (Neimeyer, 2005b, p. 75)
world in which she will play a new role. In short, the loss leaves her
forever transformed (Goldsworthy, 2005, p. 175). Bereavement then can serve a greater purpose; a benefit that has
accrued to the bereaved may be carried forward to ripple outward,
For some, what is required is just to “get through”; for others long after the time of the loss.
it is to generate a new self-concept. But for another group this
is not enough; for them the trauma can be used as a catalyst to Insofar as the starting point for my doctoral enquiry was my desire
become a more soulful and compassionate human being. For them to feel better, I was surprised to learn that the current literature
the pain is not to be avoided or swept under the carpet; it has a suggests that grief therapies offer an uncertain prospect of long-
redemptive role to play. When accompanied by skilful care and term benefit for a survivor, unless they are directed to a substantial

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clinical distress (Neimeyer & Currier, 2009, p. 8; Regehr & qualitative research has not provided support for the popular belief
Sussman, 2004, p. 299). This distress may arise where the grief is that the grieving process following this type of loss is necessarily
complex grief as, for example, where the survivor has had relational more difficult. Nevertheless, she observes that the grieving process
conflict with the deceased or where the death had traumatic of the suicide-survivor is more likely to be complicated because of
features, such as violence or suicide. Even so, the survey of existing factors other than the fact that the death was a suicide. These may
studies carried out in 2004 by Cheryl Regehr and Tamara Sussman include the survivor’s pre-death conflicts with the deceased, the
did not indicate that bereavement intervention was required in all impact on the survivor of the deceased’s substance abuse, and the
cases (2004, p. 299). This, and the work of John Harvey and Eric fact that the deceased is often a child of the survivor (Clark, 2001,
Miller (1998), show that it is always necessary to have regard to pp. 102-103).
the individuality of the survivor and to that of the loss event or
None of these was a factor in my bereavement, but, for me, the
events which provoked the trauma. They conclude, however, that
nature and background circumstances of the event and those that
there is sufficient indication of similar psychological dynamics at
followed brought together a number of stressors. The impact of
work after different loss events to warrant the undertaking of a
its financial consequences, as well as my concern for my family
study of the psychology of loss generally, incorporating related
and their reaction to the loss, severely complicated and extended
disciplines such as psychology, psychiatry, sociology and family
my grieving process. Although the resilience that George Bonanno
studies. Finding the gold in the loss and using such circumstances,
writes about (Bonanno, 2004; Westphal & Bonanno, 2007),
if at all possible, to grow and evolve, as posttraumatic growth
is evident in my journal, my feeling of personal inadequacy,
suggests, may be an approach that could benefit other disciplines.
exacerbated by the sense of being overwhelmed by my husband’s
Researchers have drawn attention to the differences in grieving death and other challenging events, could have made me vulnerable
where the loss occurs in circumstances which give rise to other to the survivor’s sense of guilt that often accompanies a suicide.
stressors (J. H. Harvey & Miller, 1998). For example, the absence A curious feature of my experience is that I did not so much feel
of a stable, secure pre-existing attachment between the survivor this sense of guilt; rather a sense of profound desolation, sadness
and the deceased is a factor that is significant in assessing and and disbelief: “How dare you leave us?” My experience supports
predicting the adverse nature and extent of bereavement (Shear & the conclusion that any analysis of responses to suicide must take
Shair, 2005, pp. 257-260). Where the loss occurs in circumstances account of the individuality of the survivor and the nature and
of trauma, this may also complicate the grieving process and call circumstances of the bereavement (Goldsworthy, 2005, p. 172;
for a different therapy response (Regehr & Sussman, 2004). Westphal & Bonanno, 2007, p. 425).

John Jordan has noted that “the subjective experience of suicide The short report by Pompili and others (2008) on a series of
survivors is often different from that of survivors of more natural multiple suicides in Italy emphasised the significance of suicide
and expected death, even if this is not detected by standard as a trauma which may attract a social stigma and produce a
measures of psychopathology” (2008, p. 680). The particular consequent reluctance in friends and relatives of the survivor to
difficulties in grieving after suicide might, therefore, be no less offer assistance. In my case, where I was not technically a widow,
real, even if they cannot yet be measured. Sheila Clark (2001) this meant that much of both the social and government support
has observed, however, that while suicide may provoke particular available to widows was not available to me. Grief without the
themes in the survivor’s reaction, such as guilt, blame or rejection, usual social and emotional support, called “disenfranchised grief ”,

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may be a complicating feature where the surviving spouse has to to cherished memories of my husband and our lives together.
cope, not only with the loss of the loved one, but also with the When I look back through the booklet, I feel a kaleidoscope of
impact of the loss upon family members, who sought relief from complex emotions and recall delicate negotiations with grief; yet it
their own grief as a consequence of the suicide. I found a level of brings my memories together in a tender way that I can now hold.
rejection concerning the stigma placed on suicide; some responses More than anything I am moved by the love we experienced and
were unhelpful and even blaming. the memories of a life well lived together. It would be all too easy
to allow this to be buried under the subsequent struggle to survive
The work of Robert Neimeyer and his colleagues is of particular
and the aloneness of a life without my mate.
interest in the present context in that they, too, place emphasis upon
the significance of the survivor’s ability to make sense of the loss I recall attending a lecture given by Robert Neimeyer in which he
of the loved one. The absence of this, they tentatively conclude, is addressed the notion of complicated grief. My journal records the
a better indicator of bereavement which is complicated grief, than impact that his presentation had upon me.
objective factors, such as the nature of the survivor’s attachment
I find myself awake at 2 am. Yesterday, I attended a conference on Death,
to the deceased or the passage of time since the death (Feixas,
Loss and Quest For Meaning by Robert Neimeyer. It was a full body of
Geldschläger, & Neimeyer, 2002, p. 15). information, a great deal to consider. And something has stirred within
The strongest factor distinguishing the two types of me. I think it has to do with the idea of complicated grief. Alan’s death
bereavement was sense-making: those persons experiencing alone was more than enough, but I had no home, no money, no income
the violent death of loved ones (and especially losses
and a thousand other debilitating issues to handle all at the same time. I
through suicide and homicide) were far more likely to
report an unsuccessful struggle to find sense or meaning feel this fractured sense of trust and meaning that he speaks of.
in the experience. Experiencing a shift in their own identity And, I feel angry. I don’t mind being angry or even admitting to being
in a negative direction, and an inability to find any benefit angry, but this anger seems attached to the voice of the child, or is it to
or “silver lining” in the dark cloud of their bereavement a scream. Do not know what I am about to write, I am tracing and
also characterized those suffering traumatic as opposed to mapping as I write. It is attached to a scream, the scream is raw, gut
natural bereavement. In contrast, perceived social support curdling and unheard. It screams into a void. So vast, black and hollow
was unrelated to cause of death, with both groups of and it is not received. It lands nowhere, it goes on and on.
bereaved people reporting similar levels of support by
Journal, 25 July 2007, 3am
others. In summary, the study provided evidence that
complicated grief, and particularly a fracturing of sense From that day I have read his work with renewed respect and
or meaning, were hallmarks of bereavement for those who
admiration. He and his colleagues believe, too, that there is value
lost loved ones by traumatic means. (Neimeyer, 2005a,
pp. 48-49) in various kinds of personal grief journals which might be helpful
in “embroidering meaning of the loss, and facilitating a vital
My own experience accords with the finding of researchers, that continued engagement in life” (Neimeyer, 2004a, p. 15). My own
survivors who suffer loss after traumatic death, generally experience journal shows the importance of this.
a “protracted and painful quest for meaning” (Neimeyer, 2005a,
p. 37). Nonetheless, I was determined to find meaning. The first
booklet included in this thesis, Images of a Life Reviewed, was, in part,
an attempt by me to reconstruct this meaning and to give honour

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Mindfulness cognition is, in truth, a reactivity directed not so much to the

remembered events, but to the unpleasant experience of them
(Cayoun, 2004). Victoria Follette and her colleagues (2006)
It seems worthwhile to explore this topic a little as mindfulness has have, in the context of trauma therapy, pointed to the value of
become enthusiastically adopted all around the world as a valuable mindfulness practice in developing a client’s emotion regulating
technique for stress reduction, the relief of depression and the skills. In this way, counterproductive emotion-avoiding strategies
improvement of psychological well-being. It is also a practice that and potentially traumatic exposure strategies are replaced with
is close to home for me as well. a non-evaluative and non-judgmental meditation. The work
of Alessandra Pigni with Palestinian trauma sufferers, too, has
A characteristic of my project is that I am both the subject and the shown the value of mindfulness practice in avoiding destructive
researcher. Therefore, the active listening that I have engaged in is, rumination about their trauma experiences. It helps to prevent
essentially, a listening to my own inner voices. This resembles the sufferers becoming fruitlessly preoccupied with the fact of their
characteristics of Buddhist meditation, which is essentially a way unhappiness and with the causes, meanings and consequences of
of being and listening, and being in harmony with things as they this (Pigni, 2010, p. 155). A little closer to my enquiry is the
are. Active listening is an aspect of mind-training, which has been work of David Sagula and Kenneth G. Rice whose study of the
embraced by modern mainstream healing practice in various ways. impact of mindfulness upon patients grieving for personal losses
Ivan Milton and Helen Ma (2011) have identified and analysed associated with their chronic pain condition indicated a reduction
five approaches in current use, including mindfulness-based stress in depression and state anxiety (Sagula & Rice, 2004). In general,
reduction, which was developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn in 1979 (Kabat- mindfulness has been shown to produce in trauma sufferers a sense
Zinn, 1990). Mindfulness has been defined by him as “insight of equanimity. It can help produce a quiet acceptance of the fact
meditation, which means a deep penetrative non-conceptual seeing that their memories will inevitably reappear from time to time as
into the nature of mind and world” (Kabat-Zinn, 2003, p. 146). As the trauma is, after all, part of their life experience, their make-up.
a technique of introspection, it has been described as “a balanced Mindfulness has been shown to assist them to form a less fearful
state of awareness that avoids the extremes of over-identification relationship with these memories (Follette, et al., 2006, pp. 53-54).
and disassociation with experience and entails the clear seeing and My experience, too, has shown that mindfulness may be useful for
acceptance of mental and emotional phenomena as it [sic] arises” those coming to terms with grief and loss, which, after all is “part
(Neff, 2003, p. 88). It requires an attentive and non-judgmental of the experience of change that touches each of us throughout
awareness of the subject’s perceived world, moment by moment, the rich tapestry and journey of life” (Goldsworthy, 2005, p. 176).
including thoughts and feelings (Follette, Palm, & Pearson, 2006;
C. Watson, 2006). The practice of mindfulness meditation is of
particular interest to me as it is part of my regular daily discipline.

The emphasis in mindfulness is on an awareness of the present

moment. Although the subject matter of my journaling concerned
events of the past, what I recorded were my current thoughts and
feelings about those events and their seemingly adverse impact
upon me. Bruno Cayoun points out that such negatively charged

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Arts Therapy as a Way through (2009, p. 17). And this view has been supported by Savneet Talwar
(2007) who offers this conclusion:
Trauma From these observations it has been inferred that the imprint
of trauma does not reside in the verbal, analytical regions
of the brain. Instead it affects the limbic system and the
Trauma and terror, pain and grief could be transmuted into non-verbal region of the brain, which are only marginally
the joy of performance, the creation of beauty, the healing employed in thinking and cognition. (Talwar, p. 24)
rhythms of dance and song, story and poetry. Trauma is recorded in implicit memory and “since implicit memory
Sandra Bloom (2011, p. 77) bypasses language and thought” (Talwar, 2007, p. 23), non-verbal
expressive therapies are important tools to employ when working
As a practising arts therapist, I take it as a given that effective with trauma and its integration.
therapy for a wounded heart might include the use of art in its
various forms. Current understanding indicates that, when confronted with
trauma, activity in the left, verbal, side of the brain decreases and
The psychological effect of trauma, whatever be its cause or that the memories of the incident are stored in the right, non-
outward appearance is often that of fragmentation, shattering verbal, side. “Under conditions of stress, the victim experiences
and alienation of the psyche. When it is severe or debilitating it ‘speechless terror’” (Bloom, 2011, p. 75). David Harris refers to
becomes a form of psychic illness. It is an alienation from the work at the Harvard Medical School (Rauch et al., 1996), which
core sense of self and, very often, from the world at large. It shows that, at the moment of the trauma, the area of the brain that
produces such fears, preoccupations, obsessions and ruminations would normally transform “the subjective experience into speech,
that the rational mind struggles to integrate it. Trauma ”fragments is likewise largely de-activated” (D. A. Harris, 2009, p. 94). He
experience and prevents any totalization into the whole. In doing notes, too, that the traumatic memories appear to be relegated
so, it robs suffering of its meaning” (S. K. Levine, 2009, p. 17). to the more primitive somatic and visual levels of information
It can be said that “no two trauma survivors are clinically the same” processing (D. A. Harris, 2009). Simply put, the traumatic
and “that trauma treatment must be flexible, inclusive of various experience and all associations to it cannot be incorporated into
perspectives, relevant to the client’s specific issues and concerns, a cognitive framework because the brain system concerned with
and responsive to his or her specific relational context” (Briere & that function closes down. The experience of the trauma remains
Scott, 2006, p. 232); not all clients are going to require the same recorded in visceral, kinaesthetic and sensory ways, so that the
treatment. There is currently a strong argument for the use of traumatised person cannot “think” about it (Bloom, 2011,
cognitive therapies (Briere & Scott, 2006), but I suggest that, for pp. 75-77).
some, this approach may be more effective when combined with This has been discussed recently in a particularly thought-
experiential and creative arts therapies. As Stephen K. Levine points provoking article by Sandra Bloom (2011). She writes:
out “It seems to me that trauma cannot be properly grasped in a The traumatized person becomes possessed, haunted by
purely cognitive manner. The experience of fragmentation which the theater in his mind. He cannot control the intrusive
traumatic suffering entails resists any approach which assumes that images, feelings, sensations. They come into consciousness
experience can be mastered and known through rational discourse” unbidden, terrifyingly vivid, producing a vicious cycle of
helpless self-revictimization. The intrusive images trigger a

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level of hyperarousal similar to that of the original trauma Creative images that arise from within are more empowering and
and the dissociation escalates instead of diminishing. transformative than external (authoritarian) interventions and
(p. 76) can enable access to unrealised potentials, permitting a sense of
Conventional therapies require the patient to verbalise the purpose to unfold. As Shaun McNiff says “the best medicine I
traumatic history. Here we face the dilemma: “the victim of the can offer to a troubled person is a sense of purpose”(1992, p. 25).
trauma is trapped within the silence of un-witnessed memory” It is important to remember too, that not all people will benefit
(Bloom, 2011, p. 77). To heal she must find a way to incorporate from working with their trauma but, even where no direct benefit
the experience into a meaningful cognitive framework, but the accrues, the acquisition of a sense of purpose will often be of great
brain biologically restricts that action since this activity represents significance.
a threat to survival. The only course of action remaining is to call
The recent work of Stephen K. Levine (2009) emphasises the
upon the language of the non-verbal side of the brain. Trauma is
place of chaos as an inevitable component of our lives. Since “the
recorded in implicit memory and “since implicit memory bypasses
bodily expression of being is the basis of the therapeutic power of
language and thought” (Talwar, 2007, p. 23), non-verbal expressive
expressive arts therapy” (S. K. Levine, 2009, p. 127), the therapist’s
therapies are important modalities in the integration of traumatic
response to a traumatised client must acknowledge this productive
memories.
chaos, and not seek to impose on the client a sense of order which
In cultures other than modern western society, this might have is not properly there. Art, therefore, must find a place for chaos
been achieved through ritual, in which the trauma could be and body sensations. Sometimes in the absence of a narrative or
safely relived and the pain integrated into a meaningful whole, conscious memory, it needs to hold a client’s images of the trauma.
consistent with a larger mythical system. Healing rituals would In expressive arts therapy, therefore, the body speaks,
have accomplished the task of bringing the memory to light dances, sings and enacts scenes not in order to deny its
fragmentation but to reveal it. Such revelation is also a
symbolically and then assisting reconnection and integration. In
transformation, a gathering up of the disjointed parts
our culture we have to rely on other means. The arts, in the form into a unity of signification. This unity forms what we
of poetry, metaphor, image, ritual, dream and other symbolic work might call a “fragmented totality,” a way of being a self
can be used to create distance from issues that may be terrifying that neither falls apart into difference nor escapes into an
the trauma victim, suppressed or simply denied. Recent advances idealized identity. (S. K. Levine, 2009, p. 126)
in neurobiology and psychotherapy have in this way contributed to In some cases the original trauma may never be known but the
a greater understanding about how art can assist in diagnosing and symptoms can, nevertheless, be eased. In the context of the
treating patients suffering from trauma, particularly where there are suffering of despair, Stephen K. Levine observes that therapy
difficulties in verbal communication (Bloom, 2011; Talwar, 2007; cannot take away suffering. I sense that the notion of removal of
Warin & Dennis, 2009), or where the patient seeks to describe suffering as result of “good therapy” is a common delusion. What
something that cannot be verbalised (Lukoff, 2007, p. 639). art can do is to develop our capacity to be open and receptive
Where this technique is employed, healing may be more rapid to our world. Where this world includes suffering or despair, this
because the person now takes charge and regains a sense of capacity will include an openness to this as well.
power over the once power-depriving situation. The traumatised In expressive arts therapy, we must take away the brazen
bull that transforms the cries of the suffering psyche into
person has the opportunity to affect his or her own outcome.

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beautiful illusion. Rather, if we can tolerate listening to The work of Shaun McNiff (1988, 1992, 2000, 2004) has had
these cries without shrinking away, we will hear the “ugly a strong influence upon me professionally, and upon the whole
beauty” that comes from the mouth of pain. (S. K. Levine, field of art therapy. He makes the suggestion that we view the
2009, p. 152)
creative arts therapies as contemporary manifestations of shamanic
We are often rendered powerless in the face of trauma; there is continuities (1992). “Shamanic cultures throughout the world
no sense of dignity or mastery here as trauma overwhelms us and describe illness as a loss of soul. The shaman’s task is to go on
plunges us to chaos. In my own exploration I found I could, by a journey in search of the abducted or lost soul and return it to
using images, often cope with chaos, with the infinite and the the sick person” (1992, p. 21). The effect of trauma, whatever its
oblique, in ways that language could not. I found in art a means cause or outward appearance, assumes the form of psychic illness –
to express simultaneously the most contradictory, irrational and of fragmentation, shattering and alienation (Bloom, 2011, p. 75).
ambivalent ideas. Jagged, dark, undulating and abstract strokes It is an alienation from the core sense of self, and very often, from
expressed with great precision what words alone were unable to do. the world at large. The shaman and the western therapist are each
concerned with reconnecting these parts.
The photo image, which I took some years ago as I walked before
dawn across a large city park I regard as an artistic representation The rituals which shamans use perform a function that is easily
of my inner state of being. It spoke to me more eloquently than recognised by a modern therapist. Ritual modalities, such as those
any words. I was feeling despondent. The church spire and the used in dance, movement and drama therapy, can be introduced
rising sun against the stark bareness of the winter trees captured when “a re-aggregation process” is required (D. R. Johnson, 1987,
my attention. In that moment I experienced profound beauty p. 11). The traumatised individual is given the opportunity to
alongside and within bleakness. My spirit soared and peace arrived. review the trauma from a changed state of consciousness and may
“rejoin the community and experience restored sociality” (D. A.
Harris, 2009, p. 99). When reintegrating Vietnam veterans back
into society David Johnson and his colleagues used ritualised work
“for accessing and containing intense emotions evoked by traumatic
experience” (D. R. Johnson, Feldman, Lubin, & Southwick, 1995, p.
283). Similarly, therapy programs inspired by the creative arts were
used in Mozambique in the rehabilitation of child soldiers. In an
emblematic case, after using a dramatisation process and “working
with trained, community-based caregivers, … who incorporated
traditional and Western psychological practices” (Harris, 2009,
p. 100), a young six year old boy, forced to torch his family hut
and watch the brutal decapitation and impalement of his parents,
began to share in words his worst terror and gain insight into his
predicament. He had been overcome by guilt at failing to rescue his
parents, as well as by “fear and anger over having been abandoned
A New Day, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, June 2009. in such an awful world” (Boothby, 1996, p. 156). He slowly began
to tolerate his inability to protect the parents whom he had needed

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all along to be protecting him. In Sierra Leone David Harris also

used “deliberately ritualised interventions” with boy soldiers. He
discovered through this work that:
Finding empathy for themselves and for others had opened
the way for the community to express empathy toward
them. Indeed, the event proved an auspicious milestone in
their lives and a turning point in their collective relationship
with a community that embraced them, after having
feared, distrusted, and shunned them until that point.
(D. A. Harris, 2009, p. 101)
There is no complacency in the work of David Harris. It says so
much about the value of creative modalities that can assimilate
compassionate listening, grounded therapeutic practices with a
respect for cultural sensitivities. His work holds particular interest
to me as my mind turns once again towards trafficked women in
Asia. I have often considered those of us who work in the field
of arts therapy as modern-day midwives aiding the soul’s delivery
back into the world.

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Autoethnography The process has been used to describe the experiences of a

doctoral student (McCaskill, 2008), those of a woman of colour
dealing with latent racism (Rodriguez, 2006), those of a musician
Autoethnography is a felt-text that does not occur without coming to terms with his autism (Webber, 2009), and those of
rhetorical and literary discipline, as well as the courage a researcher seeking to examine writing as a method of enquiry
needed to be vulnerable in rendering scholarship … to step (C. Watson, 2006). It has also been used by a musical conductor
out from behind the curtain and reveal the individual at the struggling with her musical identity (Bartleet & Ellis, 2009). Some
controls of academic-Oz.
researchers have used its flexible nature to present their work as
Tami Spry (2001, p. 714) collaborative performance pieces (D. K. Phillips, Harris, Larson,
& higgins, 2009). Others have sought to represent the feelings of
I have already described in chapter 5 the use that I made of
suicide survivors as an artistic installation (McGuiness, 2005). I
autoethnography in my research. I will briefly indicate how this
am grateful for such company and glad that autoethnography has
methodology has been used in a variety of qualitative research
been available as a methodology for me to conduct my research
projects since the publication of Carolyn Ellis’s moving work
into my own experiences.
(1995) about her relationship with and loss of her partner. Since
that time it is not uncommon to read in the literature articles
which do no more than draw the reader into the writer’s world
of emotional experience (Lee, 2006; C. Watson, 2006). Their
authors are content to provide subjectively factual and emotional
descriptions without seeking to grapple with what Carolyn Ellis
(1995, p. 327ff) identifies as the dilemma of ethnographers:
whether to offer a theoretical explanation tying up the loose ends
of the enquiry, as academic orthodoxy encourages; or to leave them
in an untidy mess, as life tends to be. Her followers have seized
the opportunity to extend the canvas of their work to related
disciplines.
Creative research does not know the meaning of boundaries
Disciplines do not mark the territory beyond which it is
unsafe to wander
Just like literary genres are not capable of stopping the
exploration of
Poetic essays, ethnographic novels, prose poems and poetic
fiction
Creative research nurtures self-expression,
Makes one responsible at heart for each sentence,
For it is a result of the intimate conversation
That it carries with me, its infatuated learner.
(Caran, 2008, p. 87)

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Myths through our senses, but also that which encompasses our view
of the world, including ourselves – says that myth has value in
encoding this knowledge in a form which is communicable to
Myths can bring into awareness repressed, unconscious others. The psychologist, Rollo May (1991), too, has expressed
motives, longings, and fears, or can reveal new goals, new his concern for the modern dismissive attitude to myth and myth-
ethical insights and possibilities. Myths can draw out inner making.
reality enabling a person to experience a greater reality A myth is a way of making sense in a senseless world.
in the outside world, or they can discover for us new … Mythmaking is essential in gaining mental health. …
realities, reconnecting with the universals beyond concrete Language abandons myth only at the price of the loss of
experience. human warmth, color, intimate meaning, and values – these
Dave Hiles (2002, p. 10) things that give personal meaning to life. … Without myth
we are like a race of brain-injured people unable to go
In this thesis I have made much of myths such as the heroine’s beyond the word to hear the person who is speaking. (R.
journey and the tasks of Psyche. The value of these and similar May, 1991, p. 15)
myths is that they have made it possible for me to think my way Myths can be used as a means of expressing those things which are
into new territory, to see what I am doing from new points of view beyond ordinary experience and language, or which the narrator
which are rooted deep in the human psyche (Stein, 1998, p. 11). finds difficult to express.
The great classical myths, both ancient and modern, are maps of
human development and emblematic of the process of unfolding, In my research I recognised the value of myths to tell of things
growth and wholeness (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). They offer “a trove which were painful and as symbols to describe concepts, experiences
of narrative resources” (Neimeyer, 2005b, p. 71), providing maps and relationships that were too complex to be properly conveyed
for the journey, alerting us to what is really happening and raising by any intellectual formulation (Gordon, 1967, p. 24). Dante
questions for us to consider. They bring to us healing medicine and wrote of this difficulty in the opening lines of his Divine Comedy:
meaning to assist us in our own self-reconstruction by providing Ah, how hard a thing it is to tell
necessary balm, rhythm and direction in times of adversity Of that wood, savage and harsh and dense,
(Houston, 1987). The thought of which renews my fear!
So bitter is it that death is hardly more
Will Adams (2010) used the myth of Narcissus as the basis (Alighieri, 1939, p. 23)
for discussing the problem of psychic dissociation and Sylvia
Brinken Perera’s thought-provoking book, Descent of the Goddess Recent writings on the topic of myth also include the substantial
(1981), focussed on the Sumerian myth of Inanna. I found that paper by David Hartman and Diane Zimberoff (2009) on the
the meanings that lie in myths helped to inform my own thinking myth of the hero’s journey, and the doctoral thesis of Richard
about my psychological and spiritual experiences. Myths were Stromer (2003) on personal myths – myths which perform the
of particular value to me, a person who is more at home with same functions for the individual as do cultural myths for an entire
metaphor, spirit and mystery. society. I will return to this topic in chapter 7.

Dave Hiles (2002), writing of what he calls third-order knowledge

– the knowledge that includes, not only that which we perceive

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Life Review that the writing of a personal narrative is an act of participation

in the constructing the narrator’s self and her own world, this
may be seen as an example of heuristic enquiry with parallels with
Reviewing our life story, with an intention to both honour the notion of organic research (Hiles, 2002, pp. 12-13). Where
it and heal the past, can take a few weeks, a few months or the event that precipitates the desire of the narrator to set down
the rest of our lives, as unseen levels of holding gradually her life story has a component of trauma or other psychological
rise into awareness and present themselves for recuperation. distress, it would seem, and my experience has shown, that this
It is strong medicine, a little bitter at first, but it gets sweeter
might lead to healing and renewal. This would then be seen as a
as forgiveness and gratitude, mindfulness and mercy, make
our blessings too many to count. When the forgiveness takes particular variant of narrative therapy.
on a life of its own and the suffering has subsided around
On a more theoretical basis Dan McAdams has written about the
painful events sufficiently for us to comprehend what they
had to teach us, then the past takes on a different meaning. role of life story as an aspect of personality (McAdams, 2001,
2010). This is however outside the scope of my work.
Stephen Levine (1997, p. 75)
The language of life review, however, carries the idea of a neat
I have discussed in chapter 4 the use I made of this technique in
cognitive process, whereas my own research, like that of Natalie
the course of my research. In my professional work this has been,
Rico shows that this biographical work –
for the most part with the aged and the dying, but I have also
… does not depend on retrieval of chronological details.
found these programs to be valuable with patients with long term It does not have to begin at the beginning and end at the
disabling conditions. end. It does not have to explain. In fact, it shouldn’t. It must
evoke. Your story is bigger, more complex, more fluid than
The work of Stephen Levine (1997) provides a most useful a beginning, middle, and end. Your story is not fixed, but
resource on life review. The type of review that he advocates bears depends on an ongoing revision of memory. Your story, and
many resemblances to a companioned life enquiry and I can see, in the parts that make it up, are subject to ongoing redesign.
principle, no reason to doubt that this may be a useful technique (Rico, 2000, p. 232)
for those suffering bereavement or some other loss. He speaks of a I suggest that the archetypal framework of the labyrinth or the
review late in life, which has been used with success by psychologists heroine’s journey more truly represents this non-linear nature
and psychotherapists in the treatment of depression, especially in of the work of facing the past. As I discovered, these guiding
the care of the aged (Arkoff, 2004; Birren & Cochran, 2001; Pot images mirror the uncertainty and circular nature of life review,
et al., 2010). and they also provide an effective container and mode of reflexive
Norman Denzin’s book, Interpretive Biography (1989), is concerned, monitoring for the transformative process.
not so much with the therapeutic aspect of biographical writing, Life review is, however, a practice that should be undertaken with
as with how biographical and autobiographical texts of different some caution where the reviewed life contains traumatic incidents,
kinds are written and read. An interesting question, which he for the life review might inadvertently trigger painful memories.
discusses, concerns the various reasons that impel autobiographers This requires a high level of compassion as well as awareness on the
to write their life story and the significance of the language which part of all healthcare professionals of the continuing problems that
they choose for this. Adopting the analysis of Dave Hiles (2002) stem from traumatic events. Carers and therapists who assist will

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need to be prepared to journey with their clients through difficult

territory. A great deal of trust is required and there are aspects of
trauma that are too horrific to revisit. Therefore, therapists will
need to find a satisfactory path around these parts of the terrain so
that the horror can be suitably contained (Hunt, 1997, pp. 9-10).
Therapists need to be capable of walking sensitively with people
through memories and so assist in the conversion of raw experience
into a story that can be ascribed a meaning that supports healthy
beliefs about life again.

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Self-transformative Experience to write so as to sustain fidelity to this inquiry. On the one

hand, I feel a bold desire to passionately write from the heart,
from the direct heat of honest experience. … On the other
hand, a cunning timidity threatens this desire. It is rooted
Yet, I am writing for my life and the life and integrity of this inquiry in a fear of succumbing to the prescribed conventionality
into the lived experience of Self-transformation; the way that seeps into so much academic writing, dissecting
of transformation itself being anything but a clear, linear, experience from researcher and subject. Moreover, partial,
detached process. subjective writing that is immersed in the humus of living
Shanti Persaud (2000, p. 2) is still questionable in the mainstream psychological arena.
Yet, I am writing for my life and the life and integrity of this inquiry
The treasure that is said to await the traveller in the depths of the into the lived experience of Self-transformation; the way
underworld is the transformation of the self. Late in my enquiry, of transformation itself being anything but a clear, linear,
when I was researching material for this chapter I came across detached process. It is experienced more like a relentless
four doctoral theses which described experiences notably similar Bitch-of-a-force that rampages through our innermost
depths, enacting a perilous revolution from within,
to my own. They are Nora Taylor’s Women’s Experience of the Descent
announcing that old forms are ready to die, creating havoc
into the Underworld (1996), Holly Reed’s An Inquiry into the Meaning of with the entrenched inner and outer status quo, shattering
Descent and Ascent in Women’s Psychological Development (1999), Shanti illusions, and bringing us to our knees as we acquiesce to
Persaud’s Grace Unfolding (2000) and William Conti’s The Experience the raw fragility that makes us open to the newly released
of Existential Aloneness in the Psychospiritual Journey (2007). Each of energies of the psyche and the delicate forms of Selfhood
them traced the experience of a number of subjects in their descent that are ready to blossom. (Persaud, 2000, p. 2)
to the underworld of self-awareness, and their emergence; Shanti I was grateful to find their experiences resembled some of my own.
Persaud, Holly Reed and William Conti also drew upon their own At a time when my confidence in the validity of my research was
experience on the same path. They all spoke of the despair that not strong, their work was like an encouraging and supportive
they had to deal with in the descent and of the inner strength hand. Shanti Persaud’s methodology, like mine, emerged from the
that came with the ascent. In contrast to many other researchers actual living of the phenomenon and through the progression of
and writers who may want to intellectualise, systemise or package the enquiry itself (Persaud, 2000, p. 4). Nora Taylor spoke of her
knowledge, they used their personal experience as the backbone reliance on intuition (1996, p. 107) and dreams (p. 115) to guide
of their data and to inform the way they entered into intellectual her in making decisions as to how to proceed. I was happy to see
discourse. It seems to me useful to note, that these researchers that they had all found their voices through the mythic stories that
presented their stories as gutsy, risky, provocative and yet ultimately have also attracted me. Like Holly Reed (1999, p. 9), I was struck
inspiring narratives that will illuminate the path for others who by the similarities between the myths of Psyche and Inanna, and
may undertake similar tasks. their experiences, and mine.
I cannot resist quoting a striking passage from Shanti Persaud’s Like these women, I learnt to say “no” along the way, to stand up
work, which reflects my own experience: for myself and to discriminate sufficiently to take care of myself.
In attending to the voicing of this story, as in the actual Nevertheless, a tension in my body still exists when this new self
immediacy of this writing, a different shade of vulnerability faces the old structure of the good girl. Now I have to learn the
surges through me inducing a quandary, a perplexity of how hard lesson of not always being liked. There is, however, one point

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of difference between my experience and that reported by Nora

Taylor. One of her subjects saw herself in the manner of Inanna
as “reborn with a new attitude – one that puts Self first” (Taylor,
1996, p. 215). My experience has been that I consider my own
feelings, not first, but alongside those of others. Together, in a
collaborative venture between equals, we can come to new meaning
of our experiences and can see a way forward for the good of
ourselves and for the world as a whole.

Night time in the refugio.

The lights are out in the refugio now; the pilgrims’ chatter fades; all
that can be heard is the snoring of some, the deep breathing of the
exhausted, and an occasional shuffling to the toilet. Tomorrow we
walk the last stage into Santiago. Some are anxious, some relieved,
some excited, and most are a little sad that it will soon be over. It
is a time to look back; a time, too, to look forward to what lies
beyond.

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The Way Home

When the challenges of this inner journey have been accepted and the vicissitudes
successfully overcome, the experiences become increasingly rewarding and each
reaches a positive resolution. This often includes a recognition of one’s own divine
nature and insights into the universal order. Experiences of an encounter with
the archetypes of the great Mother Goddess and the Divine Father can help one
attain a better balance between masculine and feminine (yang and yin) aspects of
the individual’s personality. One can see clearly the misconceptions and erroneous
strategies of the past and get a sense of how a more fulfilling and productive life
might be possible in the future.

If the experience is allowed to reach a natural completion and adequate

support and validation are available, such a person can return
to ordinary life radically transformed. Many emotional and
psychosomatic difficulties have been consumed and eliminated in
the transformative process, self-image and self-acceptance are
noticeably improved, and the ability to enjoy life is increased.
There can be a significant enhancement of intuition and the
capacity to work with other people as a counsellor or a guide
in times of emotional crisis. All of this can lead to a strong
need to include the element of service to others as an
important component of one’s life.

Paul Rebillot
(Grof & Grof, 1990, p. 128)

Compostela - the Arrival

181
 Gifts Flourishing

Posttraumatic growth
Universal nature

Love
back at the
e fi rst time … I am
To know the pl
ac e fo r th erent, new,
u st ed now, but diff
th en an d ex ha the Tao, back
beginning – tired bered the Way,

Vulnerability
I ha ve R e- m em ving been
ened. always there, ha
deeper, and enliv , w hi ch w as
e centre rification.
home again to th es om el y in the bath of pu
gr u
dis-membered so w possibilities:
a chance
to m e ne
Alan’s death be
quea th ed apology –
e my life as an

Mystery
e – no t to liv n by the
my lif ided from withi
to re-calibrate fu lly . I am gu secret
ed more owledge of the
but as a life liv th e ce rt ain kn
life and by tive need was
preciousness of es t th ings. The impera ect
e si m pl the pain to conn

Arrival
th
worlds hidden in av in g an d u se
tbreak of his le h the
to face the hear m y su ff er in g to connect wit
r pain – t in the
with the greate live w it h an expanded hear
g; to way no
greater sufferin

Compassion
gr ea te r th an myself. In this
hi ng
service of somet

Hope
is w as te d. . And now
suffering a br ighter, more vivid
t, lif e is more
, but mos efully and with
Not on all days lly live lif e w ak
intentiona ion and grace.
it is up to me to d to find compass
grat itu de … an ht utterly
joy and da rk makes the lig
sy bu t th e w, after
e mes d shame, but no
Broken hearts ar

Emergence
po se d gr ie f an
death ex s and
precious. Alan’s are but shadow

Homecoming
th at th es e
iry, I know ess in
much self-enqu nt y ov er th em . More mindfuln
vere ig er choices.
I have more so ns I can make wis
d m in d m ea ken love
my heart an an d fo und there unspo
n lif e
into my ow n that lies at
I have reached en fr om the unknow
and wisdom… pe
rh ap s w ov rn and I can
ys te ry of cr ea tion. I can mou
em ld.
vision a new wor

Integration
the heart of th r to en
celebrate, but I
am no w fr ee , 20 1 1

Transformative process
Sunday, June 12

Authenticity

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 Chapter 7

The Way Home

Returning home may sound innocuous, simple, and easy.

As anyone who has tried it can attest, it is perhaps the most
difficult part of the entire journey.
I n the distance she is seen approaching slowly. A little weary
and travel-stained, the pilgrim has returned home. Friends
and family and the curious, all gather round to hear of what she
David Hartman and Diane Zimberoff (2009, p. 29) has seen and experienced and what adventures have come her way.
What gifts and treasures has she brought back with her? Some
might even observe that she has changed a little over the past six
years.

My adventures are described in my travel journal and the earlier

chapters of my thesis; you have already seen these. I do not see
myself as a heroine who has been on a journey; simply as a person
who has been on an expedition in which she has discovered certain
things that she now wishes to incorporate into the fabric of her
everyday life. In this chapter I want to tell you of my return and
what I believe I have brought back. Then, I will share with you
some reflections on my experiences. What stays with me now that
I am home? What have I learned from it? I shall then offer some
advice and warnings to others who might be minded to pursue a
similar path. Finally, I shall then offer you my thoughts on how
this experience might be useful in the future – for me and for other
creative arts therapists in our professional work. What can I do
with what I have learned?

The image of the returning traveller that I have adopted here,

suggests that the pilgrim’s journey is completed upon her
homecoming. This is not entirely accurate; the journey, which I
began in 2005, has not, and will never end. I do not yet know what
the full re-entry into the world might be like. It is now an ongoing
cyclical process of transformation, which I shall continue.

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Remembering the Way

Emergence otherwise, she said, I would regret it forever. She said that, once
completed, the experience would offer me a renewed life. And so,
on my return, I applied for and was granted an extension for the
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
submission of my thesis.
Where thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming, These events had the effect of giving me a renewed determination
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
to complete the enquiry, which I had been pursuing for some five
John O’Donohue (2007, p. 32)
years, and a resolution to take up my pen and start the last phase
of my journey; the final shaping and writing up of the thesis itself.
Turning for home. At this time, another significant dream arrived to encourage and
It was, I think, in late 2009, that I first turned from the centre of guide me on; I call it the altar dream. It was one in a series of
the labyrinth and took up the thread that would lead me home. I strongly symbolic dreams at this time – dreams of the mythic
knew it was time to move out of the darkness and remove the veil underworld, involving serpents, crucifixes and oceans. I knew they
of mystery, as Psyche also was required to do. This part of my were messages from the unconscious of healing and of life and
journey required the final writing up of my enquiry. But there were death issues, and that it would be wise to me to pay attention to
many false starts and setbacks on the journey back. This was, in them.
part, because I had begun to feel comfortable in the underworld; What a profound and demanding task this process of
but as significantly, it was because I was fearful of the critic, which emergence is ... and as you can sense, it is not a mindless
guarded the gateway to home and who reminded me of those recycling of something, but, instead, is a spiral, with each
inadequacies in me which seemed to make it impossible that I revolution attaining another degree of ascension, the
attainment of a new level of “altitude”, and a progression
might be able to shape my work into a proper thesis.
in attitude becomes possible. The alchemists would call
And so, my many starts came to nothing, until the upper world it the process of washing, (and washing and washing and
washing...) the process called albedo or whitening.
came and rescued me (J. Campbell, 2008, p. 178). It did so in
Yes, you are undergoing an initiatory process.... You are
a rather surprising form. It was a letter from MIECAT which I fighting for your Life, so that you might live, and thereby
received in April 2010 telling me in rather definite terms that enable others to know “life” too.
my candidature was about to expire and that I would no longer You will get through this. You are getting through this.
have the rights and privileges of an enrolled student, including an (Rachael Feather, personal communication,
entitlement to supervision. 3 October 2010)

My first reaction to this was one of despair. Under this pressure, I

wondered if I would be able to continue. In a conversation shortly
after this with Buddhist nun, Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, in India,
I raised with her my ambivalence as to whether I should go on
with the enquiry. I will never forget the moment. She fixed me
with her penetrating blue eyes and advised that I should continue;

186
 Chapter 7 The Way Home Remembering the Way

The Altar Dream The thesis then began to take its final form and to ready itself for
the birthing. But, even so, it was not easy.
It is a tedious, tenuous, and life-giving labour. Grand heroic
gestures have no part in the process; in fact, they often
The altar dream seemed to say to me that my work was being
make things worse by disrupting the delicate equilibrium.
acknowledged, effective and rewarded. The undisguised poignancy We have to be patient, take small steps, use few words,
of the dream, which was set in a curative temple, not unlike that and treat ourselves with the tenderness of baby-catching
of the Greek asklepeion, reminded me that people used to visit hands, remembering that we find our power, our capacity
temples for healing. They would undergo fasting, prayers and ritual to heal ourselves and our world, in our deep and abiding
baths while they awaited a healing dream. This altar dream was vulnerability. (Duff, 1993, p. 145)
a sacred one for me. It told me that there was more happening In due time, the thesis began to take shape.
below the surface than I was able to perceive; it encouraged me to
keep going. I took it as an indication from my unconscious that I Towards the final stages, the thesis started to form as if it had its own
was at the point of emergence and that soon it would be time to life; it seemed to be life yearning to express itself. As I had done all along,
but more so now, I tuned my inner listening to the life force within the
acknowledge the healing, and celebrate with joy.
document. I was not so much creating it, but rather being a collaborator
“with this form, this idea, this new life that seeks expression” (J. Phillips,
1997, p. xi). The new life was birthing, and now, as in childbirth, I was
the instrument that the baby was being birthed through. It was my task
to cooperate with the natural wisdom inherent in the birthing process. This
meant that, despite my pleas, I could not give up, I could not turn back,
and I could not abort; I needed to learn when to rest, when to pant, and
when to push. Similarly to the process of childbirth, all will come to a halt
if self-limiting ideas intrude in the natural procedure.
The blueprints of ideas were conceived in the initial moments when I
began to write, in April 2005. A long, and dark, gestation took place.
Several times, in 2008 and in 2009, I thought the baby was ready for
birth. False labour pains. Now, five years later, the labour is in full swing.
I have wonderful midwives, and trust that no brutal obstetrician steps
into the birthing room now.
Journal, 22 June 2010

187 190
 ...ready to return to life
The Eleusinian mysteries:
To die is to be initiated. The Altar Dream
Now is the time for celebrations.
There is singing and dancing in the courtyar
d...
in a room.
myself and other people -
We are, whoever "we" is -
for them
Thrice blessed are those mortals who have seen these rights and thus enter into Hades: a small
We put a fox and a duck in
(Harvey, 1997, p. 115)
en. I eventually leave the temple, fre
alone there is life, for the others all is misery. is like my small kitch e to dance and play -
It duck will
y will die - or at least the ready to return to life with a
white cupboard. I think the the y both
renewed joy and knowledge.
(Harvey, 1997, p. 115) open the cupboard and
of dreams be killed. In the morning we
The timing of this dream is significant. It followed a series come out happily, together
and alive.
concerning serpents; one where I was strapped to a large cross do with a church. I am lyin
g naked,

...pilgrims used to flock

comprising of massive serpents and others where I was swimm
ing Next stage - something to We hav e white
the large stone altar.
in an ocean of thousands of snakes. These are the mythic symbo ls with some other people, on er I think.
ugh a couple is lying togeth

to these sleep temples

of healing. It was a time when I thought I was approa ching the end sheets on us individually, tho being
realising we are sweating and
of the research enquiry; drafts of the thesis chapters were
being That is not as important as
to make a start on the chapt er purified and healed.
completed and revised, but I had yet h and
which I feared most - the one that would requir e me to revisit my ly at the door of this churc
Next, I am outside or actual my knu ckles Now I find myself, naked once
ds are there too. I notice again, covered this time, on
painful memories. some lovely young men-frien em ber the altar by a white sheet of
toxins are leaving me. I rem purification. I am reminded tha
are brown. I realise all the so ph ica l co urse and the pilgrims used to flock to
these sleep temples (or hospita
t
to do an Anthropo
thinking soon I will be able py. I can let to be healed. After an overnight ls)
ce and paint and be hap sleep, surrounded by snakes on
be free to do Eurythmy - dan a relief. the floor, which were sacred,

Much of this dream speaks for itself.

not holding it all... it felt like they would report their dreams
go into something that I am to the priest who would prescr
ibe remedies for them.
Dream 30th August 2010

A sense that something

...the creative
n
Opposing parts of me have been placed in the alchemical kitche

new has been born

fox and the duck repres ent
that is white and represents an oven. The

beauty of our depths

they are oppos ites.
aspects of me which, I think, cannot live together;
alive.
They emerge from the oven - the fire - happy, reconciled and
is an illusion: they are

...but this time I was not burning

My fear that they will kill each other There is in this dream a sense
that
comfortable together. This is the integration of opposites. something new has been born,
perhaps
The two parts of me can live together; they need each other.

in an unknown underground terrain

The mysterious alchemy is a new tolerance and understanding
purification, where the darkness .
I cannot fathom what has tra
was a process of clearing away nspired,

I am undergoing a rite of passage

but I know that I am being gui
the resistance that surrounding ded in
a deeply meaningful way by my
the creative beauty of our depths. dreams.
The sacred space of the temple reminded me of the
Eleusinian mysteries of ancient Greece. As I was in

The process is not yet complete

the heart dream, I am naked undergoing an initiation,
I am in
The second scene concerns the process I have been through. a purification, but this time I was not burning in
like an initiate,
a religious setting - in a church and on an altar. I am naked, an unknown underground terrain. In the heart dream
my vulnerability and is a mark of
but under a white sheet, which protects I surrendered to the process, accepting to endure
of passa ge.
purity and cleansing. I feel as if I am undergoing a rite whatever befell me, without any idea of reward or relief. The third scene has me coming out of the temple in the company
Typically these involve three stages. In the altar dream, I have already been in the darkness of beautiful young men. These are initiates who have completed the
s, aimed at
The first is a ritual separation, involving washings and purification and the purgative heat of the alchemical fires. process. My knuckles show the passage of the toxins which are
This is follow ed by the central
separating the individual from his former life. still leaving my body. The process is not yet complete. I will soon
ed naked, or exposed
stage during which the initiate may be hidden, buried, stripp be finally free of toxins and returned to life, free to dance and play.
an initiation
to danger or to the elements.... The concluding stage of such Rachael Feather said that this was "A deeply significant dream which
society on a new
ritual is one of incorporation, enabling individual to re-enter speaks about restoration and renewal and signals the approach toward
bases. Roose-Evans, 1995, pp. 6- 7. a readiness to rejoin Life."
Personal communication, August 30 2010
 Chapter 7 The Way Home Remembering the Way

The Altar Dream The thesis then began to take its final form and to ready itself for
the birthing. But, even so, it was not easy.
It is a tedious, tenuous, and life-giving labour. Grand heroic
gestures have no part in the process; in fact, they often
The altar dream seemed to say to me that my work was being
make things worse by disrupting the delicate equilibrium.
acknowledged, effective and rewarded. The undisguised poignancy We have to be patient, take small steps, use few words,
of the dream, which was set in a curative temple, not unlike that and treat ourselves with the tenderness of baby-catching
of the Greek asklepeion, reminded me that people used to visit hands, remembering that we find our power, our capacity
temples for healing. They would undergo fasting, prayers and ritual to heal ourselves and our world, in our deep and abiding
baths while they awaited a healing dream. This altar dream was vulnerability. (Duff, 1993, p. 145)
a sacred one for me. It told me that there was more happening In due time, the thesis began to take shape.
below the surface than I was able to perceive; it encouraged me to
keep going. I took it as an indication from my unconscious that I Towards the final stages, the thesis started to form as if it had its own
was at the point of emergence and that soon it would be time to life; it seemed to be life yearning to express itself. As I had done all along,
but more so now, I tuned my inner listening to the life force within the
acknowledge the healing, and celebrate with joy.
document. I was not so much creating it, but rather being a collaborator
“with this form, this idea, this new life that seeks expression” (J. Phillips,
1997, p. xi). The new life was birthing, and now, as in childbirth, I was
the instrument that the baby was being birthed through. It was my task
to cooperate with the natural wisdom inherent in the birthing process. This
meant that, despite my pleas, I could not give up, I could not turn back,
and I could not abort; I needed to learn when to rest, when to pant, and
when to push. Similarly to the process of childbirth, all will come to a halt
if self-limiting ideas intrude in the natural procedure.
The blueprints of ideas were conceived in the initial moments when I
began to write, in April 2005. A long, and dark, gestation took place.
Several times, in 2008 and in 2009, I thought the baby was ready for
birth. False labour pains. Now, five years later, the labour is in full swing.
I have wonderful midwives, and trust that no brutal obstetrician steps
into the birthing room now.
Journal, 22 June 2010

187 190
 Chapter 7 The Way Home

Birthing, collage, Jenni Harris, 2007

191
Remembering the Way

Transition. For me, this transition stage is particularly delicate. As I recall

how the baby Jenni in the cot incident was demeaned long ago in
In The Stormy Search for Self by Christina and Stanislav Grof (1990), her first creative act and forever shamed about it afterwards, the
there is a chapter entitled The Homecoming. There, the authors talk release of this creative work is accompanied by massive anxiety. My
about the homecomer’s experience of a new home within herself internalised mother and guardian critic are conspiring to thwart
and an inner source of comfort and nourishment. It is possible also me; they are in horror and have gone into attack.
for her to experience the world that she left in new and sustaining
ways. They caution, however, that this is a time that is not without
its challenges (p. 212). It is a stage of transition – she has left the My treasures.
old, but has not yet arrived at the new (Assagioli, 1991, p. 125).
Ultimately, treasure is only as valuable as what it is used for.
Re-emergence can leave her unclear about her new place in her old If it is hoarded, it is useless. If it is squandered, it creates
world. She may have difficulty in explaining how the world of the no legacy. If it is shared wisely with the community for the
spirit and the upper world are one – what Joseph Campbell calls benefit of all, it is worthy of all the blood, sweat and tears
“how to render back into light-world language the speech-defying that were required to find and retrieve it.
pronouncements of the dark” (2008, pp. 188-189). David Hartman and Diane Zimberoff (2009, p. 25)
Crossing the return threshold presents an intimidating
new initiation, because the hero has yet to confront society When Psyche emerged from the underworld, she brought with
with his new-found and otherworldly treasure, and stand her a casket that she had obtained from Persephone. The myth
up to the puzzled questions, derision, resentments, and has it that the casket contained nothing more than “an infernall
neighbours unable to comprehend. To the perspective of and deadly sleepe”. She, like me at the outset, expected to find
the hero before leaving the land we know, the two worlds
a real treasure – for her, a potion, which would give her beauty;
of humanity and divinity, or cognitive consciousness
and intuitive unconsciousness, appear to be separate and for me, a healing balm. She opened it and fell into a deep sleep.
distinct from each other – different as life and death, as day When I opened the casket, which I had found in my underworld,
and night. … Upon his return, the hero cannot help but I too discovered something other than I had expected – but no
see the two worlds as intricately connected; indeed as one less valuable. It was an understanding that this ordinary world
and the same. And therein lies the challenge to bring back contains all I needed; all the resources and all the beauty I was
the treasure in a way that the community can assimilate.
searching for. In a way my casket contained nothing new. What was
(Hartman & Zimberoff, 2009, pp. 27-28)
new was my perspective. “Only at the end of the initiation does
The process of transition to the everyday world must be undertaken the teller conceptualise what has been going on as an initiation,
with care. The Grofs recommend that “during the transition thus organising the experience as coherent and meaningful” (A.
period, as well as afterward, meeting your own health-promoting W. Frank, 1995, p. 118). T. S. Eliot was right when he wrote that
needs should be your first priority” (C. Grof & S. Grof, 1990, we will “arrive where we started and know the place for the first
p. 214). We need to set boundaries to relationships. This is a time time”(1952, p. 145). I had returned to the beginning of my quest
where we are redefining ourselves; when we ask the question “Who and yes, I now know it intimately, as if it was the first time. This
am I now?” My own experience has demonstrated the correctness makes me laugh. I had taken myself so seriously! I can now see the
of this advice, although the fragility that I feel at this time may be, folly, and the wisdom, of it all.
in some part, due to the tiredness present in a student in the late
stages of completing her thesis.

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 Chapter 7 The Way Home

And yet, as a returning traveller, I certainly brought back to the

world of everyday activities treasure that I had gained from my
excursion into the underworld. Some of the treasure represents
changes to my mind and spirit, to my mindset and attitudes –
changes which may present themselves in different ways. I would
like you to understand, however, that I have only just arrived
home. I am still under the influence of the pilgrim equivalent of
jet lag. The process of emergence and the changes to me are, as
yet, incomplete. My description of the gifts should, therefore, be
approached cautiously, as if they were part of a work in progress
– a position paper to show where I am now and how things seem
at the moment. It is possible that my perspective will change in the
future.

193
Remembering the Way

Gifts. astounding capacity to triumph, as well as its delicateness in

the midst of uncertainty. If we look at what we resist when
Our gifts are blessings from the ancestors, the gods, the we serve, in time it will set us free.
creative intelligence of life. If we are open to them, our gifts The way we help heal ourselves is a precious dance.
will choose us as much as we choose them. Reflecting on his life and the relationship between service
Jack Kornfield (2000, p. 278) and spirituality, Ram Dass commented, “I am arriving at
that circle where one works on oneself as a gift to other
The understandings gained from this research enquiry, I have people so that one doesn’t create more suffering. I help
described as treasures. I see them, too, as gifts, which I will pass on people as I work on myself and I work on myself to help
to others. Two years after my husband died Pema Chödrön wrote people”. (Ellerby, 2010, p. 161)
to me that “This period has the potential to teach you everything Following her experience of a transforming illness, Kat Duff
you need to know to develop your innate compassion and wisdom” advised that –
(personal communication, 27 April 1996). The heartbreak pierced we too need to carry something of what we have experienced
my armour, leaving me with a rawness that exposed me to the back into the world of the living, to remember the dreams,
tenderness of genuine sadness and kindness. She has written, follow the imperatives, or use the powers we had been
given by our sojourns in the underworld. … If we do not
Sometimes the completely open heart and mind of
carry what we have learned back into the world, we risk
Bodhicitta (Bodhi means “awake” or “completely open”;
getting sick again, the energies unused can revert into their
chitta means “heart” or “mind”) is called the soft spot,
destructive forms… . (Duff, 1993, p. 102)
a place as vulnerable and tender as an open wound. It is
equated, in part, with our ability to love. … Bodhicitta is I now offer my gifts to you. They are things that I have found along
also equated, in part, with compassion – our ability to feel my path, which I now gladly pass on just as they were passed to me.
the pain that we share with others. (Chödrön, 2001, p. 30)
The thesis is a testimony of the transformational potential of the
Some ten years later I began to understand that, because of Alan’s journey itself. It is a transitional object that symbolises the inner
death, I was committed to the arduous process of waking up to marriage of masculine and feminine, private and public, past and
this rawness, of finding my voice and my authentic self. It would future. I intend it as a gift that brings back the story of the journey
then be for me to undertake the task of bringing back into the to the everyday world.
world the treasures, which I might find, through the exploration
I will now unpack my bag and lay out for you, in the artwork that
of healing and transformation. This, I now think, was one of the
follows, some of the other gifts I have brought back.
gifts Alan bequeathed to me. For that I offer him my heartfelt love
and gratitude.

The gifts of this enquiry are not, of course, gifts in the sense
that I did not have them before. In most cases, what I have called
gifts involves a greater awareness of what already existed. Jonathan
Ellerby wrote of these gifts in words that reflect my own views:
The greatest gift we have to offer is our presence:
unconditional, loving, and affirming what is. In service,
we come face-to-face with the Spirit of life and know its

194
 Chapter 7 The Way Home Remembering the Way

The most important of these gifts is the capacity to be present.

The practice of the arts requires presence above all else: “being
there” in the emphatic sense. The openness and receptivity of
this presence allows images to enter our space. Presence makes
imagination possible. The image itself is a messenger, “an angel” in
the original sense of the word. It announces itself as an unexpected
gift from beyond, a visitor from another world. I can never compel
its presence, but I can invite it and wait for its arrival.
Stephen K. Levine (2009, p. 152)

The Gifts

195 198
 This is the key to the poetry of pilgrimage: The gift of compassion
the story that we bring back from our journeys is the boon. It is the gift of grace that was passed to us in the heart
of our journey. Perhaps it was in the form of an insight into our spiritual life, a glimpse of the wisdom traditions During my enquiry, I practised
ithin me there is
mindful awareness. It seems to me I know deep w ity.
of a radically different culture, a shiver of compassion, an increment of knowledge. All these must now be passed on. ing in all advers
that this, together with my strong a secret gift ly leng in g it
w chal
Phil Cousineau (1998, pp. 217-218) sense of connectedness, inevitably I also realise ho in the midst
de
is to find gratitu

The gift of peace The gift of renewed sense of self The gift of transformation
developed my sense of compassion. exhaus tion or trauma and
of
the most basic
The second principle of Buddhist when faced with
finding shelter
psychology is this: “Compassion is survival needs of family. But is
ur
and food for yo e
our deepest nature. It arises from our
poss ible to allow one molecul
The enquiry has itself been quite a mysterious experience; I followed faithfully the path of a strange … it will come to a conclusion, and the newly “sanded down” woman will When I set out, I needed to soften the layers that had grown over it m ay be
This
of gratitude in?
interconnection with all things”
sinuously beautiful labyrinth. It has allowed me to take stock of my life, gain insights and, ultimately, it commence a refreshed and enwisened, spiritual and creative life. …all these the wound in my heart and in my psyche–to clear away the dross, to re-c on stellate one’s
(Kornfield, 2008, p. 23). It means enough connect to the
an d
own suffering
has created a calmer atmosphere within me. It provided me with a therapeutic vessel as I underwent an are initiations that are intense, and have their own tensions and resurrections. to expose my nigredo, to reveal my true nature. In the Sufi master
are
hers. Then we
that we feel pain with others – their
initiatory experience through some hellish landscapes – a sort of maze of confusion and darkness and Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1998, p. 324) Rumi’s Table Talk, there is this fierce and pointed passage: suffering of ot pa ra te .
pain and our own. It involves being t se
into the death-dealing forces of the mythical underworld. I followed, like Theseus, the thread of not alone and no
10
Journal May 20
In conclusion, I find that the research process–both the enquiry and the writing of The master said there is one thing in this world which must touched by the suffering of others,
intuition provided to me by the benevolence of an unseen world. It allowed me to connect with never be forgotten. If you were to forget everything else, but were and this causes to emerge feelings of
the thesis–has given me a new, but tentative, sense of confidence in myself. I have
myself, something I had longed for. not to forget this, there would be no cause to worry, while if you kindness towards them and the desire
achieved something that I would never have thought possible. Having explored
pectedly
meditation, unex
During the research period, I often uncertainty and vulnerability, in a world that prizes certainty and authority, there are remembered, performed and attended to everything else, but forgot to alleviate their suffering.
experienced, though not so often documented, In this morning’s for myself. I began to that one thing, you would in fact have done nothing whatsoever.
Not
I began to cry.
some things that I can now speak of with a certain authority. I can speak of having
ing of all Associated with this is self-compassion. For me, self-compassion means bringing gentleness
ce again the suffer
experience, on
a feeling of love, empathy and well-being – a It is as if king had sent you to a country to carry out one special,
en myself made the journey, faithfully and with integrity; it is no longer an exercise that I have
time I could op and kindness to myself, as an antidote to the harsh self-judgement that the Critic has taught
desire to flourish, that had arisen, seemingly others. But this th an be specific task. You go to the country and you perform a hundred other
t with it rather
merely read about in books.

The gift of the thesis

to it and connec
me. When this antidote is taken, a balance is achieved which allows for an understanding
from nowhere, and flowed over me. It is a y year s I have tasks, but if you have not performed the task you were sent for, it is
helm ed by it. For man
us and my
overw of my pain, inadequacies and failures, and which is non-judgmental, so that my experience
difficult experience to describe; rather like a in was so poro as if you have performed nothing at all. So man has come into the
felt that my sk in was is seen as part of the larger human experience (Neff, 2003, p. 87).
so thin that pa
inner boundaries
momentary experience of perfection, a profound fe rent , world for a particular task, and that is his purpose. If he doesn’t
w as dif
e. Now this
peace, compassion and a connectedness to all absorbed into m perform it, he will have done nothing.
n and hope, not

The gift of accepting guidance

pass io I ask myself, what use has it all been? Rachael Feather reminded me that this
that is, ever has been and ever will be. I want to I felt com e agonies of othe
rs.
ne ss fo r th All the spiritual teachers of humanity have told us the same thing,
helpless during thesis, and the process that has brought it into being, has its own purpose. It is
cultivate that sense of compassion for the good
experienc e of a fleeting but en e, that the purpose of life on earth is to achieve union with our
An of lif
r all, and for all
a testimony to the transformational journey itself. It is hard for me, when I am still
peace and love fo
of all. The research enquiry, like a self-reflective fundamental, enlightened nature. The “task” for which the “king”
in the production stage, to see clearly what this purpose is. “Only after we make it
meditation exercise, has meant that I have been found me. r 20 10, has sent us into this strange, dark country is to realise and embody
mbe
Journal 21 Dece
out, do we know how it has changed us, what we shed and left behind, and what
able to watch the ebb and flow of my heart and be rley I have already spoken of the helpers who stood by me and offered me wise guidance
e labyrinth at Am we are giving birth to, found, or recovered there” (Bolen, 1994, p. 165). This our true nature. There is only one way to do this, and that is to
mind as emotions, sensations and images that after walking th undertake the spiritual journey, with all the ardour and intelligence, during my travels. These include the guiding spirits who placed in front of me, as if
enquiry has been the vehicle for an authentic and honest process to reveal some
came and went. courage and resolve for transformation that we can muster (Rinpoche, by chance, whatever I seemed to need at the time. I have learnt to accept their advice.
of the blueprint of that young girl in the sandpit and the baby who made a pact

The gift of Bodhichitta

to never speak out. The longing and the call have been loyally followed with heartfelt sincerity. 2002, p. 126). I do not find it easy to accept assistance from others: I value my independence.
I accept that it has its own purpose. Today, I have a foot in each of two worlds. One is the The research process has been about placing myself, like my heart Old structures which were deeply ingrained in me, had to give way: I was forced to
world where I am completing this dissertation, with all its demands; the other is the dream persona, Annie, in the alchemical fire. My undertaking, my learn to let others help me. The greatest guidance in this collaborative work, however
fathomless world of the future. I suspect it will be many years, if ever, before I know fully, commitment, acted as a vessel–an alchemical oven which contained was through the loyal and extraordinary support of Rachael Feather, David Byrne and
Pema Chödrön teaches that “in difficult times, it is only Bodhichitta that heals. When what fruit my enquiry has borne for me. And my journey will continue. It does not stop now. Jean Rumbold, and many other close companions. Their wisdom and love inspired me
the fire of transformation. In this fire the raw material of my soul
inspiration has become hidden, and we feel ready to give up, this is the time when healing to keep going with my quest when I tended to waver. They never seemed to lose their
This thesis is now a gift to you, the reader. I offer it sincerely in the hope it may enhance underwent a dynamic transformative process. I felt I was burning.
can be found in the tenderness of the pain itself. This is the time to touch the genuine faith in me. Their presence made this thesis possible.
research in art based therapeutic enquiry, particularly in the areas of grief and loss, I was being tested and retested and being placed under pressure to
heart of Bodhichitta” (Chödrön, 1997, p. 86). This is called the soft spot of Bodhichitta My journey illustrated the adage that travel broadens the mind. Along the way
life review and human flourishing. make my life as conscious as possible.
(the open heart and mind)–the eternal well of love, tenderness, courage and profound I encountered the works of many wise people whose research has had a profound
gratitude. I know this to be a most moving experience. impact on me. They wrote of the sacred feminine, the value of storytelling, the value
of prayer, meditation and stillness, the use of multi-modal enquiry, myth,
this very day posttraumatic growth, and the significance of other ways of knowing. I was required
to m y m ot her’s death, on her own
… my memory re
tu rn s
m y ar m s as she crossed to consider many existential matters and questions such as “Can we find blessing in
y mother la y in we choose the
six years ago. M ly of the belief that suffering and adversity?” and the differing ways in which we can deal with grief and
I am st ro ng is, or who is
death threshold. stances and who other’s, in

If you knew yourself for even one moment,

at h, th e ci rc um bereavement. I found great wisdom in the creative process, in poetry, in classical
moment of our
de t of my m
th is co mpassionate ac and this literature and in the guiding principles of many Buddhist teachers.
not, there. I be lieve
as sh e re lin quished her body
cradle he r lue and love
allowing me to ure of trust, va a lifetime

if you could just glimpse your most beautiful face,

tim at e ge st
th e ul moment, despite

The gift of connectedness

earthly life, was th is cr itica l
e clarity and
r daughter. In wed me to invok
towards me, he e. Sh e allo
affirmed m e chance to
of negation, she d ho pe fu lly to give us th book
an sses this in his

maybe you wouldn’t slumber so deeply in that house of clay.

for he r,
heartfelt peace a. So gy al Rinpoche discu w e are able
ka rm hen he says “if
clear our past g an d Dy ing , w de cisively
of Livin h, it can
The Tibetan Book he ar t at th e moment of deat ent of death Jack Kornfield’s ninth quality of spiritual maturity is relationship.
to make a change
of
sf or m ou r ka rma, the mom
ture and tran r purifying karm
a” “It is in discovering a wise and compassionate relationship to all things that
influence our fu w er fu l opportunity fo
na lly po m ys el f.
is an exceptio
we have a capacity to honour them all” (1993, p. 318). Intuitively, I know
found within
at tenderness, I

Why not move into your house of joy

(2002, p. 223). Th me when I le as t expect it. that we are all ultimately connected. I have for many years sought to develop
g se em s to co kery Café
Healin er 2010 in the Ba the capacity to perceive this web of connectedness. Like most humans,
Journal 19 Octob

and shine into every crevice!

I experience myself most of the time, as separate. Albert Einstein, in a letter
of 12 February 1950, to a distraught bereaved father seeking comfort, wrote
But “Bodhichitta training offers no promise of happy endings” these words which, reflect how I feel:

For you are the secret Treasure-bearer, and always have been.
(Chödrön, 2001, p. 34). I need now to dedicate myself daily to these teachings A human being is a part of the whole, called by us “Universe,” a part limited
and to life with courage and compassion, to be willing to face uncertainty and in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as
groundlessness, and to be willing to stay open and present, especially at those

Didn’t you know?

something separate from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his
times when I would habitually shut down. The process continues. consciousness. The striving to free oneself from this delusion is the one issue
of true religion. Not to nourish it but to try to overcome it is the way to

The gift of healing through trauma

reach the attainable measure of peace of mind (2005, p. 206).
My task has been to free myself from my self-imposed prison by observing
Rumi cited (Green, 2005, p. 54) the movements in my mind, heart, emotions and psyche. In the moments of
stillness I have no doubt of my oneness with the universal order–a place of
What would happen if we knew how to ride the rough waves of the dark emotions on a surfboard total connectedness where everything is as it is.
of mindful awareness? What would happen if we stop calling painful emotions negative and had

The gift of Joy The gift of vulnerability

faith that the heart–even in the throes of intense pain can be trusted?

The gift of acceptance of uncertainty

Miriam Greenspan (2003, p. xv)
Robert Grant speaks of the riches lying within our wounds and of the often shocking trauma that
causes them. He advises that these riches can be exposed only by traversing the rugged landscape of the I brought back, too, a poem I wrote.
I discovered that, in a way, life and indeed joy lies in each moment fully experienced.
trauma and that spiritual treasures are accessible to those who are willing to pay tribute to the demands Flexibility and embracing opposites are Jack Kornfield’s seventh and eighth qualities of spiritual
What I think I have done has been to clean the lens through which I experience each
of healing (1996, p. 12). I think again of David Rosen’s wise words: You can only take your patients as maturity. Pema Chödrön says that we can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security
moment. Jack Kornfield speaks again:
far as you have travelled yourself (Jung Society Lecture, 24 November 2005). As I continue my and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never
Vulner
practice as an arts therapist I will do so with the experience of my journey and the insights which this To find true joy we must have passed through our sorrows and come to accept the whole avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid perforat ability
Old sto es barrie
research has given me. I am surely stronger, more trustworthy and safer in my therapeutic practices. I of life into our hearts. Then a deep and genuine joy arises (Kornfield, 1993, p. 336). (2001, p. 33). ries, wo rs
unds ha
can go deeper and further with my clients since I know I have trawled the depths personally and rdened o
Andre Gide writes of this: Looking back at it, it seems uncertainty and paradox have characterised my exploration. crumple ver time
Pris
travelled a full cycle of the transformational process. Robert Grant put it this way.
Know that joy is rarer, more difficult and more beautiful than sadness. Once you make The need for qualitative enquiry arises because researchers are examining non-measurable human Illusion on walls collap
s shatt s
er – cha e
In essence, trauma has the potential to reveal all. If one is willing to follow the thread of trauma to this all-important discovery, you must embrace joy as a moral obligation (1949, p. 222). experience. Heuristic research acknowledges that objective truth is not attainable in enquiries such os reign
I am na s
exposed ked
its conclusion then the entire drama of human existence is laid open. Traumatic consciousness as mine. The procedures developed by MIECAT take uncertainty as a starting point. For much of
Given some of the past experiences in my life, it is perhaps, not surprising that so much , purged
reveals that people are vulnerable, finite, have limited potency and are without answers to their most my enquiry I was concerned that the precise topic itself was uncertain and that I was not sure of
of my enquiry ended up being focused on suffering, rather than on joy. Was it that empty
pressing concerns. Having guarantees would make them gods rather than human beings. Trauma
I needed to wade through all of this to discover joy and generativity? I recall that
the way I should be pursuing it. It is paradoxical that, now, I acknowledge this core of uncertainty humbled
demonstrates that fulfilment can not be found in possessions, appearance, status, power, control, and as a resource, rather than as an obstacle, and that I now use it to guide me. It is paradoxical, too, Myste
Carol Pearson said that ”there is only one test of a true path – that it brings you joy”
partial understandings of the Soul or Spirit. … Trauma calls survivors to wake up and to pass over that a powerful incentive that led me to undertake the enquiry was the persuasive voice of the Critic Awe and ry
(1989, p. 156). Or had I become over-identified with suffering, my suffering? Perhaps wonder
germinat
any seduction that shields them from realising how short and valuable their time is on earth.
“I had focused on coming to terms with the unpleasant, unacceptable, embarrassing and
that I would never see it through. I acknowledge now that, if it were not for the voice of the Critic, Fecund es seeds
darknes
Courage s moistens
Survivors know that they must get their lives in order and be forever ready to be led by the Spirit I would never have undertaken this seemingly impossible study.
painful things that I do. In the process I had subtly forgotten about Joy” (Chödrön, u
(1996, pp. 236-237). As one matures in spiritual life, one becomes more comfortable with paradox, more appreciative Open to nfurls

The gift of tenacity

1991, p. 24). The kind of spirituality, described by Jack Kornfield in his book A Path m
vto pos iracle
with Heart, my bible companion over the past eighteen years, is filled with joy and of life’s ambiguities, its many levels and inherent conflicts. One develops a sense of life’s irony, sibility
of beco
metaphor, and humour and a capacity to embrace the whole, with its beauty and outrageousness, ming
integrity (1993, p. 310). True it is, we each have joy in our heart and wish to let it flower Connect
ion fruit
profoun s the blossom
– it is like soft spring rain that allows us to lighten up, to enjoy ourselves and find a new in the graciousness of the heart (Kornfield, 1993, p. 318).
d gra
One thing, however, I have come to know. It is the courage, resilience and tenacity which perspective on life. It is present in every moment and in every aspect of our lives if we My mind and my personality want to divide life into good and bad, wrong and right, life and love reve titude,
aled.
I discovered in myself in undertaking and staying with a project that I often felt was well are open to it. But if I forget to smell the fragrance of life, if I am blind to the small bird death. But my heart, where wisdom resides, wants to accept both. As Barbara Blackman said
beyond my capacity. This research enquiry has ultimately strengthened me. As much as that lands on the branch in the early morning, if I am caught up in my personal grudges, Journal Jenni
20 Febr Harris
in a radio interview “the more one reconciles things with oneself, and outside, the more one
anything I learned not to give up–to maintain my commitment, as the pilgrim does, to the self-criticism and concerns, then I rob myself of the preciousness of this very moment. uary 20
becomes part of the whole – the unity, the harmony of the whole” (1989, p. 27). 11
pilgrimage no matter where the wild path took me.
 Chapter 7 The Way Home Remembering the Way

The most important of these gifts is the capacity to be present.

The practice of the arts requires presence above all else: “being
there” in the emphatic sense. The openness and receptivity of
this presence allows images to enter our space. Presence makes
imagination possible. The image itself is a messenger, “an angel” in
the original sense of the word. It announces itself as an unexpected
gift from beyond, a visitor from another world. I can never compel
its presence, but I can invite it and wait for its arrival.
Stephen K. Levine (2009, p. 152)

The Gifts

195 198
 Chapter 7 The Way Home

Looking Back over my Journey of my experiences as they occurred and to reflect upon the broader
implications of these. From this point of view, therefore, it may
be of little consequence whether there were multiple journeys or,
The effects of an initiatory process may include new as I think more likely, multiple aspects of a single journey. It is
knowledge, a different point of view, an expanded sense sufficient that we are aware of this. You will have seen from what
of one’s own purpose in life, or even newfound abilities or I have written, that I found myself pursuing different objectives
powers. at different times. I started off with a need to feel better and this
William E. Conti (2007, p. 1) never left me. At the same time, I saw myself as a rather unlikely
heroine on an archetypal pilgrimage, which would lead towards a
As I look back and reflect on my journey a number things strike me
maturation of myself as a more complete human being. Inevitably,
about it: that it was a multi-faceted experience; that it was inevitable;
given my interest in the spirit, this had a spiritual dimension.
that it was lacking in obvious form; and that an important role was
And, finally of course, I came to appreciate its possible value
played by the myth and the model stories which I encountered. My
for me professionally and others. My role, as William Conti has
journey provides an example of the process whereby a person may
perceptively observed (2007, p. 13), was to set “myself the task
be changed by trauma. Finally, I became increasingly aware that my
of creating a psychic container wherein I may abide and accept my
research might have a value beyond my own personal experience. I
experiences” on a journey with multiple facets.
will say something about each of these in turn.

One journey or many? Inevitability.

When I set out I wanted gather myself, to slow down, to catch my
I have, until now, spoken of a singular journey. It seems to me now
breath, and restore my health. I was exhausted and had a rather
that there were in fact five journeys, all intermingled. First there was
unspecific need to feel better, I knew that I could not continue as
the therapeutic journey driven by my need to feel better; second,
I was. I had to do something. When the opportunity to continue
the archetypal journey, the heroine’s journey seeking individuation;
my research arose, it seemed that this held an important key to the
third, the spiritual journey in which I sought a sense of meaning
future.
from a more transcendent perspective; next the professional
journey both of a therapist seeking to extend her knowledge of But more than this; I felt it was something that I was compelled
the human condition, which includes trauma and grief, to better to do. I felt that, if I did not do something, I would pay a fearful
understand it and its implications for her own professional work; price, in the form of illness, or worse. The call that I heard was
and fifth, the journey of a researcher producing a case study for the one to wake up to the truth of who I am, of who we are, and
use of others. to discover the essential nature of our being, with the desire to
uncover the awakened genuine self. I answered, Yes, to the call. I’m
Had this been a more conventional research project, it might
not complaining but simply recalling this psychic imperative.
have been important to disentangle these threads. Each might
have had a different objective and different processes might have
been appropriate to pursue it. As an autoethnographic researcher,
however, my principal concern has been to offer a felt description

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Rachael Feather described it in these terms: As I have noted, I found that encouragement to stay with the “not
What comes to mind right now, however, is the archetypal knowing” was given to me by Warren Lett when he remarked in
“Descent to the Goddess”, “a way of initiation for women” May 2006 on the uncertain direction of my enquiry, suggesting
(Perera, 1981). … My understanding is that this has been that: “you stay in your experience and see what is worth staying
a critical yet life-serving initiatory process, a transformative
with” (personal communication). I took this advice and followed
process, and involving a relativisation of the ego in service
of the Self (in other words, the ego is forced to submit the barely perceptible thread that led me on, allowing the content
to a process that is not of its own choice), i.e. it discovers and process to unfold as it might. Lauren Artress puts it this way:
it is not in control. The “ego death” or “surrender” that Guidance also comes through forms, patterns and symbols
is required serves the psyche in that it is an opportunity that impart sacred meaning. … To discover the thread is to
for ego and the unconscious to connect and to eventually realize that a loving presence or force behind all the world
become relational partners (personal communication, 25 urges us to risk our comfort and reach for meaning in our
January 2011). lives. (Artress, 1995, pp. 12-13)
Since there was no clear definition of my topic, all I did was keep
going, hoping that one day in the not too distant future the dots
Finding form and coherence. would join up and I would discover the whole picture. The way
As a species, we have developed profound abilities to through grief, or any difficulty, seemingly is not a systematic
harvest meaning from the world around us. Given human procedure. For almost five years I stayed with not knowing and
facility with and immersion in meaning, we should expect not fully understanding what this labyrinthine journey was about.
that just as people struggle to understand the meanings of There were markers along the way, but it was only when I sat down
natural disasters, medical diagnoses, works of art, or their to write up the whole journey that it began to make sense. At any
marriages, they also strive to understand the meaning of stage before that, I might have given to my work any of a number
their own lives.
of labels – grief, life review, the task of individuation, enquiry into
Michael F. Steger (2009, p. 680) the repercussions of trauma or suicide and many others. I now
Clark Moustakas states firmly that the heuristic process starts with know that none of these fully represented what it was about.
a question or problem and that the first stage of the enquiry is to I believe that I always had in my heart more subtle visions – that
define and clarify it so that the researcher’s whole life is crystallised I might uncover a truer sense of myself – a sense not driven by
around – immersed in – the question. “This immersion process conditioning and fear; and that my research might be of value to
enables the researcher to come to be on intimate terms with the others. This lack of definition brought with it certain frustrations,
question – to live in it and grow in knowledge and understanding as my journal entries show, but it also had the benefit of leaving
of it” (Moustakas, 1990, p. 28). My approach; although bearing room for the research to grow and evolve in its own way, as I
many of the hallmarks of a heuristic research, was somewhat trusted in the unconscious process (Taylor, 1996). This, as I came
different, and I don’t think it could have been otherwise. For the to realise, is the feminine way. It shifts away from a masculine
greater part of my research, I had no idea of where I might end up. goal-directed and ego-directed process to one that allows the
I was not exploring a given topic, such as the reaction of children unconscious to lead the researcher along a meandering non-linear
to the experience of hospitalisation (Moustakas, 1961), I was path. It left me free to follow my instinct along many lanes which
engaged in an open-ended self-enquiry. would otherwise have seemed to be sidetracks and a waste of time.

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These were later to come together to form part of the overall map larger narratives and archetypal images. I have described in chapter
of my journey. I wonder now what would have been my experience 6 how myths, containing as they do, maps of human development,
had I started out with a clear and more defined subject-matter, for provided guidance for me on my journey. They served to validate my
example an enquiry into posttraumatic growth. It certainly would experience and to inspire me to respond as others had before me. In
have given me a greater focus from the outset. It is possible that I the first instance they became a legitimate means of working with,
may have found my research to be less laborious, less frustrating understanding and reframing my own experience of and response
and not so re-traumatising, though it might not have brought me to trauma from a more erudite and refined perspective. Then, they
to the same place. This is now mere speculation and as we say in an finally became a way of integrating and of understanding the
art therapy session, whatever needs expression will find expression. clinical implications of grief and trauma.
Perhaps I would have walked the same brambled path no matter
Like the literary companions I have referred to in chapter 4, they
what or where the point of departure was.
also provided me with graphic and comprehensible images which
Two aspects of the process perhaps should be noted. First, the informed my understanding of my own experiences.
frequency of coincidence and synchronicity in events along the
A particular characteristic of my response to the subject matter
way. I have mentioned in chapter 3 how I often felt that I was being
of my enquiry was the sense that I was alone in my ordeal and
guided by some unseen angel or daimon. As I now look back, I
that this stemmed from some inherent weakness of which I should
am sure that I had this guidance. The second was how my enquiry
be ashamed. The writings of others, including ancient myths,
expanded and contracted rhythmically in and out of a personal
showed that this was not the case. I read discussions and stories
story to a universal story, from a grief-driven narrative to one that
of difficulties more tragic and more intractable than my own, and
was meaning-saturated; like a fractal, with one contained in the
of the steps taken and efforts by those who, like me, sought to
other in a micro/macro relationship. What began as wanting to
come to terms with them. I discovered that there was a genuine
feel better, led me to reflect on my experience of grief around my
community on the same path, be they researchers, therapists or
husband’s death, on childhood issues, on memories and concerns
fellow wayfarers. Their experiences validated my own. In the case of
for survival, and on living with long-term shock and hypervigilance.
mythic travellers, I was relieved to understand that the difficulties I
This, then, gave way to an awareness of the intensity of the process
was facing were timeless and inherent aspects of my humanity. In
of descent into the unknown and the subsequent emergence.
this way myths can normalise our responses to trauma and hearten
As I proceeded, I was confronted by feelings of abandonment,
us as we deal with them. All of this served to connect me with that
desperation, chaos, terror, confusion and shame. It brought me
which is greater than my story and to encourage me to continue.
face to face with everything within me that I had not dealt with, or
that needed to be reviewed. Another aspect of this validation, I found in what are called model
stories. These are stories by people who have travelled my path
and emerged. I drew solace from their experience. The paper of
Myths and model stories. Monique Watford (2008), which I have discussed at some length in
For much of my journey I felt as if I were in a life and death chapter 4, and the research of Tzipi Weiss (2005) whose inspiring
struggle. When I found myself in places of deep despair, transition message was not dissimilar to Kat Duff‘s book, The Alchemy of Illness
and recovery, I needed the benefit and support of wiser minds, (1993), provided examples of this. Not only did Tzipi Weiss write

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about model stories, her story of her own recovery from illness was have anticipated will echo this father’s response to a heartbreaking
itself a model for me; it had a wonderfully restorative influence on bereavement. Robert Neimeyer goes on to say:
me at a time when I felt dispirited. Furthermore, she opened for As a burgeoning field of research documents, whether
me the door to posttraumatic growth as a field of research, and for the challenges to the fundamental schemas of survivors’
this I am grateful. I knew this was part of what I had been looking lives result from encounters with tragic bereavement,
catastrophic illness, interpersonal violence, or political
for and it will no doubt motivate my research endeavours in the
oppression, a great many experience growth as well as grief,
future. being prompted by highly distressing circumstances to
higher levels of post trauma adaptation. (Neimeyer, 2005a,
p. 69)
The potential for growth.
I, too, discovered this in my effort to rebuild my life. The research
Trauma survivors show us that human beings have the in this thesis itself is the product of an urge in me to find renewed
capacity to heal, to overcome enormous challenges, and to meaning and to offer benefit to others.
grow.
John Briere and Catherine Scott (2006, p. 232) Trauma or tragedy can lead to a new perspective on life, even a
new identity, as the subject finds a new sense of coherence and
I knew from my sessions with Rachael Feather that, essentially, meaning in her life. This sense enables her to interpret and
my research was purposive and developmentally vital. As I read organise her experience, to achieve a sense of her own worth and
more widely, I began to make connections with others who had place, to identify the things that matter to her, and to direct her
similarly found their way through difficulties and had made the energies effectively (Steger, 2009). This new identity is formed
transition to what is currently called posttraumatic growth, though by integrating experiences from the past, not denying them. Mary
I would prefer to call it unfolding or emergence. Many found that Baures (1994) saw that all her subjects found ways to understand
a spiritual belief helped them maintain an emotional balance and life, not by eradicating life’s negative aspects, but by incorporating
provided them with a sense of hope and a feeling of inner peace. them. These ways will vary from one person to another. Many turn
Safe environments, trusted relationships (Stenius & Veysey, 2005) to a power higher than themselves to connect with a transpersonal
and encounters with model stories of growth (Weiss, 2005) had force that assists in “re-orienting, embracing and integrating the
helped them to progress from grief-saturated thinking towards a loss into their lives” (Baures, 1994, p. 205). Embedded in every
healthy personal evolution. Tzipi Weiss found that her narrative adversity is a secret gem waiting discovery.
of her own emergence from illness “displayed the hallmarks of
posttraumatic growth: a deep appreciation of paradox, life, my As far as I can see, the deeply transformative processes must
own strength and the people who love me” (2005, p. 214). Robert often involve facing and befriending our inner demons so that
Neimeyer reported (2005a) that one father said, five years after not only do they do not consume us, but become our allies on
the death of his son by suicide, “Although it seems strange to the path. My research has shown that it is worth having difficult
acknowledge it, I feel that I have grown in important and enduring conversations between warring aspects within oneself and with
ways as a result of this loss and my attempt to find meaning in life’s more demanding concerns. Indeed existential honesty, such as
it” (p.68). Many whose life narratives have been extensively re- this, may be necessary for the full development of a human being.
visioned in the wake of traumatic events in ways they could not But there is nothing particularly glamorous about the repetitive
processes of the inner work that this involves. In psychoanalytic

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terms it may amount to repetition compulsion. It is, however, an experience. It is important that we ask what strengths and positive
ongoing tempering process; it takes discipline to tolerate the heat, skills we need to have to deal resourcefully with a life that includes
and perseverance to arrive at an understanding of our inner selves. that experience. If we can submit to this state of facing all aspects
There needs to be a readiness to encounter darkness and despair of the “what is”, wisdom and genuine, newfound patterns can
over and over again, not to run away from it by inviting distraction, ultimately emerge.
nor to numb our sensitivity by chemical or other means. Jungians
The feeling function, identified by Jungian psychologists, is an
call this soul work; it is a crucial part of individuation and of the
important contributor to the authenticity and integrity of my work.
development of a depth of character (Kabat-Zinn, 1994).
I have attempted to integrate the voice of the feeling function,
Love, beauty and the gathering of goodness are important values the feminine, the yin, which honours the validity of reflection and
of the feminine. Nevertheless, “suffering is also a major part of collaboration, and legitimises the darkness, with the masculine, the
the underworld feminine” (Perera, 1981, p. 35). And suffering is yang, which values more linear thinking. What I sought was to
part of life, as the First Noble Truth of Buddhism teaches. It is a bring the feeling function back into a healthy relationship with the
truth not so widely appreciated in our western cultural context. thinking aspect in my work; the feminine with the masculine, this I
Barbara Sullivan writes: have attempted to do in myself as a lived reality. As is so often the
Our resistance to the feminine orientation is tremendous. case, balance comes only though when both sides are given their
We are taught in every setting that we should be in control due (R. A. Johnson, 1993, p. 38).
of our lives and that our lives will proceed in a positive
direction if we control them properly. We are urged to refuse I wish I could report that I have transcended the paradox of
to give in to depression and despair, to think positively. masculine and feminine once and for all, but that would be not
In the face of the clearest, most consistent evidence, our true. I certainly needed to retrieve my lost feminine orientation
culture insists upon denying the ubiquitous, inescapable
and to face the limitations that were imposed on me by a culturally
fact of darkness and death and upon maintaining a fiction
of the possibility of living happily ever after if only we masculine background. But one is not more valuable than the
manage our lives properly. (Sullivan, 1990, p. 26) other. I accept the contradictory and complementary nature of
this tension. Both are essential parts of each of us that bring
I am not proposing that we face life with gloom and pessimism
exceptional wealth, just as psychological and spiritual growth are
– far from it. I am aware that positive psychology and happiness
parallel necessities.
appraisals are currently popular conversations in psychology and
that the focus is on building emotional intelligence skills, self- It is an onerous undertaking to reconcile and integrate the opposites
esteem, hope, resilience and positive emotions (Steger, 2009). I within us. To find oneself able to manage the tension between these
agree that it is necessary that we find these within ourselves, and seemingly oppositional forces requires ego muscle. Peter O’Connor
that part of our function as therapists is to illuminate and bring says that only a few of us will ever realise this level of development
out the qualities of strength and courage that are present in our (1988, p. 93) and generally, most of us do not achieve this as a
clients. Most surely a positive outlook is a fundamental and potent permanent state unless we are a yogi aiming to transcend life in a
ingredient in the encouragement of human flourishing. meditative state. We must, nevertheless, strive towards this fuller
integration, knowing it can be experienced during altered states
On the other hand, we should not deny or downgrade the existence
of consciousness, meditation and times of heightened awareness.
and importance of loss and trauma; they are part of our human

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In Jungian understanding, the alchemical marriage between the such healing practice will have a sacred dimension requiring
opposites within us marks the “beginning of the union and a participatory exploration of the values that underlie human
ultimate transcendence of all opposites within us” (O’Connor, existence (Heron & Reason, 1997; Reason, 1994b). Peter Reason
1988, p. 118). The tension of opposites is the ebb and flow of described the participatory approach to research in this way:
life, and our task is to move with these rather than be in a state To heal means to make whole: we can only understand our
where they are constantly at war with each other. By “holding work as a whole if we are part of it; as soon as we attempt to
the tension” between opposites, the “transcendent function”, in stand outside, we divide and separate. In contrast, making
whole necessarily implies participation: one characteristic
Jungian terms, can be activated and this gives rise to the “symbol”,
of a participative worldview is that the individual person
which is neither one nor the other, but a synthesis of both. These is restored to the circle of community and the human
oppositional forces must be continually worked with, as if in a community to the context of the wider natural world. To
dance, moving back and forth, from one opposite to the other. make whole also means to make holy: another characteristic
Like the in-breath and the out-breath, both are needed so that we of a participatory worldview is that meaning and mystery
may live. are restored to human experience, so that the world is once
again experienced as a sacred place. (Reason, 1994a, p. 10)
In Buddhism, however, a sense of connection and compassion for
This means expressing living knowledge in practical service to
all beings lies at the heart of its philosophy, rather than a focus
people’s lives (Reason, 1996). My personal narrative, reflecting
on the opposites within us; things fall apart and then come back
the mythical theme of facing one’s enemy (in my case primarily,
together again. It teaches that the still point at the centre of each of
but not only, my own inner demon) may also offer “a narrative
us “that transcends the maelstrom of the opposites brings healing
resource that members of cultures draw on to find meaning and
to the masculine as well as to the feminine. It moves beyond
direction in times of adversity” (Neimeyer, 2004b, p. 54).
patriarchal bickering, beyond judge and blame” (Woodman, et al.,
1993, p. 364). I now see that my research might have a role to play for other
researchers in their work, especially autoethnographers, and for
By whatever path we travel, the resolution of this conflict moves
those who might undertake a journey like mine. They might see
us to that which is greater and more unified than our divided self.
it as a model story that provides information, encouragement and
validation of their experience for them, just as the work of Tzipi
Weiss, Catherine Camden Pratt and Monique Watford did for me.
A contribution for others.
Information concerning the process “gives the person a cognitive
It was only as I began to make the outward journey from the centre grasp of the situation, a map of the territory he or she is traversing.
of the labyrinth, that I saw ways in which this thesis might make a Having a sense of the terrain and knowing others have travelled
contribution to the work and understanding of fellow researchers, these regions provides considerable relief in itself ” (Lukoff, 2007,
therapists and travellers. I sensed, too, that my commitment to p. 639). This account of my journey might provide such a roadmap
pursuing my own healing was a subtle contribution to this larger – a set of guidelines grounded in my first-hand experience.
whole.
They might see this study as assisting their understanding of the
In the 1990s John Heron and Peter Reason wrote about the impact of trauma and bereavement, the ways to navigate it, and the
healing of the split that characterises modern existence and that processes of posttraumatic growth. It presents a case study which

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may form the basis of further storytelling and conversation. In its

own way, it might, too, serve to inspire social action, compassion
and human understanding of those struggling with the aftermath
of trauma or loss. I leave the last word on this topic to Robert
Neimeyer:
Narrative is more than just a post hoc accounting for the
changes that we undergo in response to life disruption
– though it also serves that vital, meaning attribution
function. In addition, I have argued that self-narratives are
the very substance that is disrupted by trauma and loss, and
that public and private narration of tragedy and transition
is heavily implicated in posttraumatic resilience, repair, and
transcendence. I hope that others who share a fascination
with the growth often engendered by great suffering will
find in a narrative framework a set of conceptual and
practical tools with which to understand, study, and foster
this life-enhancing process (2005b, p. 78).

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Looking Forward Care for self.

I have sufficiently described how my research impacted upon me,
psychologically and spiritually. My first and most important advice
Warnings and advice. is that the pilgrim should establish necessary guidelines of self-care
for herself, in order to be able to listen wisely, not to give up and to
People generally think of the spiritual path as safe – if not not harm herself in the process. A significant aspect of the work
easy, then at least a protective haven from the existential itself lies in honouring and respecting the body, our humanity, and
insecurity of life, a soothing balm from the inevitable
anxieties, fears, and pain of living. But like any great our spirit.
endeavour, this spiritual journey also has its risks and Babette Rothschild (2000) advises therapists first to do no harm.
dangers.
When the client feels safe and allows the body to do what it needs
Brant Cortwright (1997, p. 155) to do, the brain and the physiological system will start the repair
Perils abound on the pilgrim’s journey. By mentioning them process. She discourages the recall of traumatic memories unless
here, and in other parts of my thesis, I hope that other would-be she is satisfied that her client is confident that the flow of their
travellers are made aware, and thus prepared for the task, but that anxiety, emotion, and memories, and consequent body sensations
they are not dissuaded from undertaking what has been, for me, a can be contained at will. Her image of the client not hitting the
transformative experience. accelerator before he knows that he can find the brake, is a striking
one (Rothschild, 2004). This places the greatest importance on
Within any ethnographic enquiry that involves revisiting painful safety and sanity, and gives the client the courage to go to more
memories, is the risk of re-traumatisation. This danger was certainly difficult places; they have a choice – they can take back the control
present for me as I navigated the terrain of the past littered with they once lost. This is equally as applicable when the process is one
unexploded landmines. I often found myself unwittingly shocked of self-therapy and self-enquiry.
and shattered after releasing too quickly the psychic content of my
memories, without the necessary containment and safe boundaries. In It was of crucial importance to me during my research to
spiritual terms, “early wounds and other neurotic contractions within maintain a physical balance, and I did this by creating boundaries
the person can be dramatically lit up and activated as part of this and containment for the all-too-fast opening up of traumatic
purificatory process” (Cortwright, 1997, p. 155). As old structures memories. I sought to achieve this by grounding myself through
break up, and new ones have not yet been integrated, anxieties can my physical body and by releasing my energy in everyday activities.
run riot until the new order that is seeking to be born emerges. This involved receiving bodywork or massage, attending to my diet
and sleeping patterns, performing simple tasks such as cooking,
I was fortunate to have Rachael Feather, at my side. With her, there housecleaning or knitting, and by seeking physical activity such
was nothing I could not express; nothing too terrible, nothing too as yoga, walking in nature or gardening – anything that had the
shameful. Rachael was able to reflect, normalise, and offer a greater effect of “consciously bringing the attention down through the
perspective to me. The always-uplifting sessions with her, and with body, feeling the feet, visualizing the earth” (Kornfield, 1993, p.
others, kept me sufficiently immersed in the underworld process 132). The focus needed to be on feeling safe. I now suspect that
yet well companioned and witnessed in order to proceed with some my efforts to prevent re-traumatisation were frequently set back
enthusiasm.

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by my attitude of soldiering on regardless, and that this further to work and to play. Above all, life should be organised so that
depleted my dwindling resources, making my task more difficult there is time and emotional space to do this demanding creative
than was necessary. work. It is liminal time that is needed to do this work of love,
acceptance and transformation. This, too, I sought to do, but at
The second worded representation, the foldout Lamps in the Darkness,
some cost.
which I have introduced in chapter 3, helped me by reminding
me of the experiences of those who have travelled my path before In sustaining an open-ended enquiry such as this, which also deals
me. David Lukoff (2007) also warns that the person undergoing with traumatic memories, I found that writing, image making,
the intensity of the transformative process needs to be shielded dreams, attending to body resonances, and the use of symbols
from a certain amount of external and interpersonal stimuli that can all help to make meaning. I recommend, too, ritual to contain
may thwart the unfolding. He suggests at times the temporary unresolved emotional dilemmas and distress. As I have already
cessation of spiritual practices, the re-evaluation of medication, mentioned, sessions with my supervisors, therapist and companions
a heavier diet and the encouragement of calming activities such became crucial as I excavated the darkest recesses. Other than the
as knitting, gardening, sorting and cooking. I would add to this, close supportive network of friends, family and grandchildren, my
binding, weaving and earth-related activities. He also favours the own spiritual practices, yoga, swimming and walking were among
use of expressive arts, both during therapy sessions and outside. my mainstays for continuing on. Pockets of joy have a sustaining
“Drawing, painting, making music, journaling, dancing and other effect. I found times of happiness and comfort were derived from
creative arts can help a person express and work through her good company, from reading myths and stories and from snatches
inner experience. The language of symbol and metaphor can help of beauty in daily life. I support those who advise seeking everyday
integrate what can never be fully verbalized” (2007, p. 639). routines and experiences to balance the intensity of such an inner
journey. Finding joy in the ordinary was pivotal as I remembered
In her book, Writing as a Way of Healing, Louise de Salvo also gives a
my way back into life.
host of wise suggestions. They include listening to and acting upon
somatic responses of the body as well as not focussing exclusively
on the losses, but also on what others have to say and how they A guide or companion.
“rebuilt their lives” (2000, p. 104). I kept a gratitude journal/log
to highlight the goodness of the world around me, as a parallel I have learnt that an autoethnographic enquiry like mine should
process to counter the traumatic material that was arising at the not be undertaken without a skilled therapist or guide.
time of my enquiry. In this way I was able to savour and count In every case they [Buddhist practitioners who encountered
my many blessings amidst what felt like a life derailed. Louise de difficulties with spiritual experiences] found it essential
to get help from someone who is skilled in this territory.
Salvo suggests, too, that focussing on aesthetics can be a welcome
Because these processes can take a long time, when they
distraction. I personally found myself frequently longing to be arise for us it is necessary to find a guide, someone who has
playing creatively in my art studio or dreaming up new graphics, touched their own madness, grief, and loss of boundaries,
textures of papers, fonts and bookbinding styles. The creative who can gradually and fearlessly direct us back to the
aspects of these activities often inspired me to keep going. Louise ground of our own true nature. (Kornfield, 1993, p. 132)
de Salvo advises setting limits on one’s social life, withdrawing When my memories came up, at times quite unbidden and in a
from unnecessary obligations and having clearly delineated times most overwhelming manner, I felt that I was in dangerous territory.

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I was not always able to make peace with one image at a time skilful teacher. It is a basic principle of spiritual life that
or to keep a safe distance from it. At times I over-identified with we learn the deepest things in unknown territory. (1993,
the memories and the wounding I had experienced. While I knew, p. 229)
intellectually, that these memories were only part of my life, that I tried to face my fear consciously. Curiously, when I was profoundly
they were in the past and that they only formed a small part of present to it, the experience, which I had feared, did not seem to be
my identity, their impact was nonetheless powerful and almost so unbearable. There is however a tension between knowing when it
debilitating. It was through the help of others, meditation and is wise to pause or slow down by putting on the brakes, and when,
physical awareness that I was able to contain that which shook me. by staying in the tension, a breakthrough may occur. A wise guide
And then, once again, become a more detached observer of what knows this. I recommend that that those who set out on an enquiry
I was exploring. like this find both a therapist/spiritual director or companion, and
an understanding research supervisor who is able to work with the
Andrew Harvey (2009, pp. 132, 187) and David Lukoff (2007,
process.
p. 639) both speak of the support to be found in a guide; one who
can not only empathise, but has the knowledge of the eventual
emergence and who will be aware of the natural movement of the
Do not give up.
psychic process. I spent considerable amounts of time alone, wading
through past memories. The downward path of the descent into A research enquiry such as mine, like the pilgrimage it resembles,
the underworld was a solitary and lonely, lost and meandering time can teach us a good deal about spiritual practice. As happens at any
(Conti, 2007). My long involvement with Buddhism, which teaches of the major transitions within our life cycle, it may challenge us to
us to stay with the essential groundlessness of life, had not quite undergo a symbolic death. It may mean leaving a known refuge to
prepared me well enough for this re-entry into painful memories. embark on a journey into the unknown to discover meaning and a
I was, however, reassured by the words of Pema Chödrön that new way of being. The person embarking on such a journey must
encouraged me to connect with my warrior-like spiritual capacity be aware of this and be willing to commit herself to the process
and not to be afraid of losing the ground underneath – not to be notwithstanding a natural fear of the unknown lying ahead. She is,
afraid to leave the nest – and to be ready to do so, even “at the risk after all, a pilgrim. As I proceeded into the uncertainty, I discovered
of your own life” (1994, p. 140). She wrote, “If we are willing to I had to give up hope in order to find a truer hope. It became my
give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then hope, not that things would get better, but that a genuine path
we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our would be found.
situation. This is the first step on the path” (1997, p. 38). Buddhist
Once we have embarked upon the journey and are facing our own
tradition advises us, however, to find a teacher. Jack Kornfield, too,
fears and uncertainties, it is all the more important that we remain
speaks of the perils of the solo journey.
steadfast in our commitment.
Having a map and directions from spiritual books and texts
is not enough. We do not know where our spiritual life … if we give up in the midst of struggle, we never find
will lead us, but it always requires us to go into that which out what the struggle would have given us in the end. …
is difficult and unknown. Those who attempt to practice We come out changed by the doing of it … we dare the
alone are almost inevitably more confused or lacking in development of the self. Life forges us in struggle. Life
spiritual depth than those who have practiced under a itself is the answer. If no one can escape the struggle, then
it must serve some purpose in life. It is a function of the

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spirit. Struggle bores down into the deepest part of the Sandra Bloom, speaking of the role of the arts, states that “writing
human soul … bringing new life, contravening old truisms. may serve as some kind of integrating mechanism between the
(Chittister, 2005, p. 3) two hemispheres since it requires a combination of verbal and
This soul-stretching process requires us to live into new ways, non-verbal skills.” (2011, p. 75). She points to studies carried
with new insights, with new heart. And, it seems, the only way out by James Pennebaker (1993) on the relationship between
out of the struggle is by going into the depths of darkness and by writing, emotions and physical health which indicated significant
waiting courageously and openly for change, new growth and the improvement in the physical health of students who were writing
light to come, as it surely will. The great Tibetan teacher, Sogyal about emotionally provocative work. She notes that similar results
Rinpoche counsels patience: “don’t be in too much of a hurry have been recorded in studies with asthmatics and those with
to solve all your doubts and problems; as the masters say, ’make arthritis (2011). Kate Pennebaker and James Niederhoffer’s work
haste slowly’” (2002, p. 126), for spiritual growth takes time. He (2002, p. 578), however, shows that the expressing of emotions
goes on to suggest that we not have unreasonable expectations, per se is insufficient integration in the absence of adequate
because “doubts cannot resolve themselves immediately; but if we cognitive processing. Savneet Talwar, too, has pointed to the need
are patient a space can be created within us, in which doubts can to integrate emotional and cognitive processing.
be carefully and objectively examined, unravelled, dissolved, and Dance and drama work directly with the body through
healed” (2002, p. 126). It is a process of continuous learning and movement, activating the right hemisphere and limbic
material, while art and music activate non-verbal material
purification. Equally, it is important to know when to let go, to
through kinaesthetic and the sensory pathways. The goal
pause and rest. of each of these modalities is to “lead people to emotions
and feelings that have long been forgotten.” To process
traumatic memories successfully, each of the modalities
Writing as therapy. must employ an approach that integrates the cognitive,
emotional and psychological memory towards positive
To improve health, we must write detailed accounts, adaptive functioning. (2007, p. 22)
linking feelings with events. The more writing succeeds as a
narrative – by being detailed, organised, compelling, vivid, Robert Neimeyer agrees, in the context of therapeutic journaling,
lucid – the more health and emotional benefits are derived that this has assisted in finding meaning and fostering posttraumatic
from writing. growth (2005b). He would broaden the narrative techniques that
Louise de Salvo (2000, p. 22) have promoted meaning and reconstruction following grief to
include “biographical techniques, metaphoric stories, (and) life
Viktor Frankl (1985) has described how important it is to both
chapter exercises” (2005b, p. 76), which can be adapted to clinical
hear and tell our stories. He showed that Holocaust victims who
settings or to self-help forms.
survived the atrocities of concentration camps found hope in
their search for meaning by retelling their accounts of horrific I found writing to be useful in this way. Late in 2009, my children
and painful memories in order to ensure that these atrocities are and I found we were sufficiently resilient to begin to collect
not repeated and not passed down the generations. By telling our our oral and written family stories together. We did this on a
stories, we develop the necessary muscle to work with, through and monthly basis and followed a set theme. Much hilarity resulted
beyond, our own grief-filled narratives. as we remembered the twists and turns of family holidays gone

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astray, quirky moments of sibling torment and idiosyncratic myself personally as victim of the past, rather as an ordinary person
snippets about Alan, who now could no longer verbally respond guided to explore existential themes by a calling towards a finer
or defend himself, fortunately! In this way we balanced some of understanding. It was as Joan Berzoff posits in her article on the
the distressing memories with ordinary accounts of our daily life potential for transformation following grief: even overwhelming
together; we were able to promote integration and transcend some traumatic circumstances that are “incomprehensible at the time of
of the tragedy (Neimeyer, 2005b, p. 77). Nonetheless, writing the death, may, over time coalesce into a set of meanings” (2006,
about traumatic or highly charged emotional material requires care. p. 122).
Safe writing – writing what we already know or understand,
writing that is superficial – won’t help us grow, either as My experience has been that the discipline of having to recall
people or as writers. For writing to be healing we must and retell in an organised and detailed way my life story and my
encounter something that puzzles, confuses, troubles or feelings about it has contributed much to this change in me. It is
pains us. (de Salvo, 2000, p. 93) as if the covers of this thesis and the satchel, which protects it,
When the client is traumatised or in limbo, writing into a new self- now provide a container for my story. It is a container of my own
story can open imaginative pathways of hope and begin a narrative making and one for which I know I am responsible. And if they
reconstruction of the self. should burst out again, I am more confident that I can return them
to the place where they belong. This has made the rigours of my
By the time I came to write up the final form of this dissertation, journey worthwhile. It would be my hope that this will serve as a
I found myself to be losing interest in my own life history. Some model and a source of encouragement for others about to enter
dilemmas of self-criticism were subsiding in the light of the the labyrinth or who find themselves in the underworld of grief
overwhelming need for self-compassion. Initially, I had a desire and despair.
to connect with my biographical life, but that gradually gave way
to something more – an underlying desire to connect heart-fully
with others in the outside world with a softer heart, and to move For the journey.
towards a spiritual source. I had stopped defining myself so much
Travellers setting out for an unfamiliar land often wonder about
by memory and by my trembling fears, as I placed myself in the
what to put in their bag. I now offer you, who may be about to
openness of the present moment.
undertake a journey like the one I have described in this thesis,
When the stories of our life no longer bind us, we discover
within them something greater. We discover that within the some practical suggestions as to what talismans you might take
very limitations of form, of our maleness and femaleness, with you. I describe in chapter 2 how I set out with a blessing from
of our parenthood and our childhood, of gravity on John O’Donohue. I would also like to offer you now a blessing
earth and the changing of the seasons, is the freedom and of my own. These draw upon my own experience and I will, I
harmony we have sought for so long. Our individual life is hope, encourgae you in those inevitable moments when you feel
an expression of the whole mystery, and in it we can rest
uncertain, overborne and despairing. I hope that they will inspire
in the centre of the movement, the centre of all worlds.
(Kornfield, 1993, p. 330) you to continue your journey, so that you will know now, that it is
indeed a journey worth the taking.
By the time my writing was well advanced, my view of the past and
future had taken on a curious new light. I no longer seemed to view

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Remembering the Way

The researcher/pilgrim, like any traveller, needs to know what to pack in her bag.

Wider perspectives for my professional welcoming sense of self that will flow on to their clients and help

A Vessel A Thread
them expand beyond symptom resolution. This, in turn, adds to
practice. the depth and effectiveness of their clinical practices.
This is a professional doctorate and so it is appropriate that I
There are also a number of developments from this research that
A space or container to – be, to work, reflect, A string to – follow, to mend, stitch, to use in dark times review some of the ways in which this research is already impacting
beckon me. As an extension to my own case study, I am considering
play, think, brew, gestate, write, dream, stir, make of not knowing, weave, tie, knit together, bind, connect, upon my practice and the ways in which it may shape it in the
future research on “how and why personal suffering so frequently
art, dance, protect you, withdraw into, to be your leave a trail behind for others to follow, provide evidence future. As I moved on, it became apparent that my enquiry was
occasions profound personal growth” (Neimeyer, 2005b, p. 68).
own world as you travel … of your presence in a place passed through … taking me in new directions in my professional work as a creative
I am also beginning to turn my mind once more to working with
arts therapist and educator. I saw that a therapist who has travelled
trafficked women in Asia. I will make contact with them again
the path would be better able to track the unfolding process in her

A Star/A Lamp
and see what I can offer. My other objectives are to work with
client and to recognise the signs that indicate how the client can
the process of the heroine’s journey, perhaps in offering walking

A Soulful Heart
proceed safely and at what pace. So, as I continue my practice as
physical pilgrimages in conjunction with art, storytelling and
an arts therapist, I will do so with the appreciation of my journey
writing. I also intend to offer workshops and supervision to health
A light to – illuminate the path, shine into the and the insights that have come from experiences researched and
professionals who may be open to arts based enquiry methods.
innermost corners of your psyche revealing secrets, examined in depth. I feel stronger, more trustworthy and safer in
A commitment or longing to – the enquiry, to keep going, This may be particularly relevant to professionals working to
loves, shames, dreams and fears … my therapeutic practices. I can go deeper and further with my
stay with it, not know, discover, re-search, be curious … facilitate posttraumatic growth and meaning reconstruction with
clients because I know that I have trawled the depths personally
clients who are facing life crises, trauma or loss.
A willingness to – step into the unknown, be with tensions, and travelled a full cycle of the transformational process.
polarities and paradox, to surrender, be lost, be confused, feel

Guiding Angels
I have been a teacher of arts therapy students for many years
stupid, be loyal, be shaken, be delighted, be challenged … Using experiential and creative arts therapy for
and have acted as clinical supervisor for a number of them. I
have already mentioned the need for a therapist to look after her trauma.
Companions to – guide, encourage, provide benevolence, own physical, psychological and spiritual health. The risk to the
Aesthetic theory has comprehended art as providing
reflect, cradle, cheer, listen, read, edit … therapist of vicarious trauma resulting from empathic engagement

Medicine Bag/Toolkit
meaning by showing the harmony and unity that can be
with trauma survivors is well documented (Pearlman & Caringi, found within disparate experiences. In this way, art is
2009), as are the harmful effects upon the clients themselves of imagined as capable of reconciling us with life.
unprocessed trauma-related countertransference in the therapist Stephen K. Levine (2009, p. 18)
(Dalenberg, 2000). I have found that the clinical supervision
Resources – good boots, a walking stick to support you or

The Moon
sessions I offer to practising therapists provide them with the Chapter 6 introduced research and clinical evidence that the arts can
to lend to others in need of support, courage and tenacity,
opportunities for self care and replenishment that Laurie Pearlman become a vital and effective medicine for the traumatised. Shaun
water, passport, nourishing food, tea, a sense of humour, a
and James Caringi recommend as ethical imperatives for therapists McNiff writes “When the soul is lost, art comes spontaneously
knife to cut away, rescue remedy, bandages, a shawl, candles
working with complex trauma (2009, p. 216). I will continue to its assistance. When the soul is depressed, isolated, mad and
A mirror to – show the wisdom of the process, reflect and prayer flags, a sword for discrimination and protection,
with my supervision work with renewed enthusiasm for its value distraught, artistic images appear” (1992, p. 18). Art is a natural
and intuit, receive, and to trust in the seasonal and tidal your wits, a magnifying glass … response to suffering. He gathers evidence from Jung and others
as a place where the therapists can not only support each other in
cycles of lunar wisdom … to show that “excessive rationalisation has alienated the soul
Tracking devices – notebooks, computer, art materials, their stressful work, but also explore their own stories, internal life
pencils, journals, camera, paper, printer, books, labyrinths, and self-determination. Time for introspection encourages a more from nature” (1992, p. 17). He recommends that, in assisting
workshops, reflectors, maps…

211 214
 ey
A Blessing for the Journ
n to suggestion
May you stand in your truth, yet be ope
most by yourself
May you meet with wise and genuine guid
es May your work be respected first and fore
n to say yes, and when to say no
May your stride be the bold and gentle May you come to know your limits, whe
and your resources
May your mind and hear t be open as the
night sky May you know how to take care of yourself ies;
ility, exha usti on and resistance be your friends, not your enem
May you be guided by your star of destiny May sham e, dou bt, vuln erab

May your feet carry you wherever you may

need to go may they impart deep knowledge
c
May your arms embrace the new May your cheer squad be wild and energeti
test opportunities to succeed
May your back turn from the structures
that no longer serve you May your community offer you the grea
ine for wisdom, to the sunshine for light May you offer this to yourself
May your face be turned to the moonsh pass that they are
over you, to guide you each step of the way fidently guide you safely as the perfect com
May there be always the angels to watch May your dreams, writing and images con flair
ce to assist you with all her synchronistic
May you stay true to your own path, whe
rever that may lead you May you trust hunches, flirts and providen
s
l in your hear t, especially in difficult time
May you have the courage to make the path
as you go May you always carry something beautifu
te and when to finish May the unknown guide you
May you know when to wait, when to crea
slowly
May you lear n to trust your experiences
as a teacher of insight May you take your time and make haste g
tations, your imperfections and your opin
ions
tery guid e you to a new birt h, new meaning, a new way of knowing and bein
May you know you are more than your limi May mys
in life
May you listen and trust your body wisd
om wholeheartedly May you be rewarded with a resilient faith
hayim
your Yes to Life is louder and clearer, L’C
May you not stand in the way of your real
life May you lear n when to say No, so that
g to your longings, gifts and soulful capa
cities ic ascents, as they surely will
May your hand made life emerge accordin May your all your descents turn into hero ashes
and kno w then and only then, you will find the fire in the
you to the question that arises at the end May you have the courage to kno w the wor se,
May you trust the invisible thread to lead rge
and chaos, so a new fresh order can eme
and was there all along May you allow order to become disorder
this, and that you have all you need May you write, dance and create your own
path
May you know that you were made to do
ity to achieve your vision
May you find meaning in all that you do May you combine reason, stillness and clar
ition
conducive to clear thinking and fine intu
May you stand in the fires and not flinch May your environment be suppor tive and
d bedfellows to you
May you lear n to live into the answers May compassion, courage and faith be goo
and grace
May you be always full of wondrous curi
osity May you create a sacred space of beauty
of good cheer and cry, but never give up.
May you find company that is loyal and And above all, may you rest, play, laugh
truth that arise from within
May you hear and trust the whispers of
 7 Talismans: The Pilgrim’s Gear
Remembering the Way

The researcher/pilgrim, like any traveller, needs to know what to pack in her bag.

Wider perspectives for my professional welcoming sense of self that will flow on to their clients and help

A Vessel A Thread
them expand beyond symptom resolution. This, in turn, adds to
practice. the depth and effectiveness of their clinical practices.
This is a professional doctorate and so it is appropriate that I
There are also a number of developments from this research that
A space or container to – be, to work, reflect, A string to – follow, to mend, stitch, to use in dark times review some of the ways in which this research is already impacting
beckon me. As an extension to my own case study, I am considering
play, think, brew, gestate, write, dream, stir, make of not knowing, weave, tie, knit together, bind, connect, upon my practice and the ways in which it may shape it in the
future research on “how and why personal suffering so frequently
art, dance, protect you, withdraw into, to be your leave a trail behind for others to follow, provide evidence future. As I moved on, it became apparent that my enquiry was
occasions profound personal growth” (Neimeyer, 2005b, p. 68).
own world as you travel … of your presence in a place passed through … taking me in new directions in my professional work as a creative
I am also beginning to turn my mind once more to working with
arts therapist and educator. I saw that a therapist who has travelled
trafficked women in Asia. I will make contact with them again
the path would be better able to track the unfolding process in her

A Star/A Lamp
and see what I can offer. My other objectives are to work with
client and to recognise the signs that indicate how the client can
the process of the heroine’s journey, perhaps in offering walking

A Soulful Heart
proceed safely and at what pace. So, as I continue my practice as
physical pilgrimages in conjunction with art, storytelling and
an arts therapist, I will do so with the appreciation of my journey
writing. I also intend to offer workshops and supervision to health
A light to – illuminate the path, shine into the and the insights that have come from experiences researched and
professionals who may be open to arts based enquiry methods.
innermost corners of your psyche revealing secrets, examined in depth. I feel stronger, more trustworthy and safer in
A commitment or longing to – the enquiry, to keep going, This may be particularly relevant to professionals working to
loves, shames, dreams and fears … my therapeutic practices. I can go deeper and further with my
stay with it, not know, discover, re-search, be curious … facilitate posttraumatic growth and meaning reconstruction with
clients because I know that I have trawled the depths personally
clients who are facing life crises, trauma or loss.
A willingness to – step into the unknown, be with tensions, and travelled a full cycle of the transformational process.
polarities and paradox, to surrender, be lost, be confused, feel

Guiding Angels
I have been a teacher of arts therapy students for many years
stupid, be loyal, be shaken, be delighted, be challenged … Using experiential and creative arts therapy for
and have acted as clinical supervisor for a number of them. I
have already mentioned the need for a therapist to look after her trauma.
Companions to – guide, encourage, provide benevolence, own physical, psychological and spiritual health. The risk to the
Aesthetic theory has comprehended art as providing
reflect, cradle, cheer, listen, read, edit … therapist of vicarious trauma resulting from empathic engagement

Medicine Bag/Toolkit
meaning by showing the harmony and unity that can be
with trauma survivors is well documented (Pearlman & Caringi, found within disparate experiences. In this way, art is
2009), as are the harmful effects upon the clients themselves of imagined as capable of reconciling us with life.
unprocessed trauma-related countertransference in the therapist Stephen K. Levine (2009, p. 18)
(Dalenberg, 2000). I have found that the clinical supervision
Resources – good boots, a walking stick to support you or

The Moon
sessions I offer to practising therapists provide them with the Chapter 6 introduced research and clinical evidence that the arts can
to lend to others in need of support, courage and tenacity,
opportunities for self care and replenishment that Laurie Pearlman become a vital and effective medicine for the traumatised. Shaun
water, passport, nourishing food, tea, a sense of humour, a
and James Caringi recommend as ethical imperatives for therapists McNiff writes “When the soul is lost, art comes spontaneously
knife to cut away, rescue remedy, bandages, a shawl, candles
working with complex trauma (2009, p. 216). I will continue to its assistance. When the soul is depressed, isolated, mad and
A mirror to – show the wisdom of the process, reflect and prayer flags, a sword for discrimination and protection,
with my supervision work with renewed enthusiasm for its value distraught, artistic images appear” (1992, p. 18). Art is a natural
and intuit, receive, and to trust in the seasonal and tidal your wits, a magnifying glass … response to suffering. He gathers evidence from Jung and others
as a place where the therapists can not only support each other in
cycles of lunar wisdom … to show that “excessive rationalisation has alienated the soul
Tracking devices – notebooks, computer, art materials, their stressful work, but also explore their own stories, internal life
pencils, journals, camera, paper, printer, books, labyrinths, and self-determination. Time for introspection encourages a more from nature” (1992, p. 17). He recommends that, in assisting
workshops, reflectors, maps…

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 Chapter 7 The Way Home

traumatised clients, we employ tools drawn from the arts that focus As creative arts therapists we have an infinite array of multi-modal
upon emotional rather than purely cognitive mental activities. tools at our disposal to help us create the safe environment that
is a fundamental requirement for this treatment. If the client is
It is outside the scope of this thesis to specify different modalities
not comfortable with one avenue of expression we can, with their
of treatment for the adverse affects of different types of trauma,
feedback, suggest another that may circumvent the discomfort.
such as whether the client has suffered a one-time trauma, trauma
For example, in my work as a therapist I often use mandalas as
caused by more subtle origins, the effect of ongoing and complex
a tool for integration and containment. Mandala is the Sanskrit
incidents, or as a result of childhood maltreatment. Many of the
word for circle, and it represents that totality of one’s being. It
principles of treatment are common to different types of trauma,
allows for the reconciliation of opposites as a transformation into
but the core principle is to find safe avenues and meaningful ways
a state of unity, symbolised by the circle. Its application predates
for the client to express and contain their experience. The therapist
Christianity but it has been used, particularly by Jung and Jungians
needs to be prepared to witness with the client the client’s stories
therapists. “The mandala is always a symbol of unity, a symbol of
of suffering, and together with the client to find a meaningful way
self, a symbol of wholeness” (O’Connor, 1988, p. 95). It acts as
forward. The importance of this, I know from my experience in
a container by providing edges, by holding the material that the
this research, from both roles, as client and as therapist.
client finds overwhelming.
We have seen that by working with the arts the impact of trauma
can, to some extent, be exorcised and projected out by processes
directed to the externalisation of the traumatic image. The trauma
is sent into exile and viewed as outside the client’s physicality and
this, paradoxically, helps them to come to terms with its existence.
What we need to find then are the forms that can hold
fragmentation. “Healing” (if we choose to retain the
word) in expressive arts therapy implies the acceptance
of fragmentation as a permanent feature of human
existence. We are always falling apart, and we always
have an opportunity to come together if we have the
courage to embrace our chaos rather than try to escape it.
(S. K. Levine, 2009, p. 127)
My research has demonstrated that trauma is not necessarily stored
in verbally coded, sequential or chronological order. By safely
recovering the memories, or portions of them, new relationships
with them, and their effects, can be incorporated in a meaningful
way. The trauma is being integrated and placed into its rightful
place in the past, chaos and all, where it belongs. New images, via Mandala, pencil representation, Jenni Harris, 2007.
an internal clairvoyance, emerge as the victim mythology that has
been frozen in time begins to thaw and resolve. By actively engaging Learning from my own experience with the photograph of the
in a dialogue with the images, clarity and healing are bought to the wooden box as a container for my painful memories, I have
fractured parts of the self. found it helpful in working with trauma-affected clients to use a

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Remembering the Way

photograph or an artistic representation of an object that is related Even though the work in this thesis concentrates upon my personal
to the source of their trauma as a means of assisting them, without experiences, I have never truly taken my focus away from a broader
distress, to express their stories. It is a smaller, more contained ecocentric perspective (Loy, 1999; Neville, 1999). I was always
image of the thing, which carries the emotional charge. Like a concerned about whether my “indulgent enquiry would ever
painting, but even one step more removed, it is a representation contribute to a more humane world?” (Journal, May 2006). My
of the painful object, which can be manipulated – moved, covered, vision of what I might be able to offer to others was never out of
put away or even destroyed – with greater ease, allowing the brakes view. The existential questions I was addressing about meaning and
to be applied as necessary. suffering became part of a new vision and commitment. I imagined
that, as I toiled away on my enquiry, I was actually connected to
For example, towards the end of my research, I had made a painted
the ecosystem at large and to the global dark night that we are all
representation of the critic who was showing his powerful face
facing. By shining the light into my own dark recesses was able to
yet again to me. I knew he would never be satisfied with my
take up some of my share of transforming the collective. I trust
achievements and was “an underdeveloped, destructive form of
that the gifts I found are gifts of a universal nature.
the Wise Elder” (R. A. Johnson & Ruhl, 2009, p. 180). As a
rite of passage, I used art and custom-made ritual to call in the We seem to be stepping “into a world where patriotism is being
new energy of eldership. I used fire to counter the critic’s force. I dismantled” (Gilligan, 2002, p. 156). I believe it is time for it to
burnt the painting and kept the charred paper as a reminder of the be replaced by a new cultural pattern; one that is based on the
occasion when he had failed to dominate me. I “set up a flow of wisdom of feminine, non-adversarial and collaborative sensibilities.
communication between the conscious mind and the unconscious” Traditional patriarchal approaches have led to poverty and injustice.
(R. A. Johnson, 1986, p. 101). The ritual registered deep within I would like to suggest that it is time that linear, sequential problem-
my psyche and released captive energy. I worked symbolically with solving styles should meld with more creative approaches. I believe
the intensity of the critic’s voice in a way that words alone could we need a change from the values of divisiveness and consumerism
not have effected. As Robert Johnson says, “In this way we can to those that are more expansive, contemplative and creative. It is
do healing through our inner work that we never could have done about creating a world for all, rather than a world for some. It is a
through external means” (1986, p. 105). world in which higher physics and the traditional sciences can find
common cause with mysticism, arts, spirituality and a compassion
for humanity. A world in which the I becomes we.
Hope for the future.
Jean Shinoda Bolen argues that this change will come about when
If we are to survive as a viable species on a viable Earth, then people start to “tell what they know”. She believes that when a
we must become grounded once again, in the values of the
critical number have told their stories of personal transformation
Earth. To do this, we must be willing to remember and feel
our social past, just as victims of trauma must remember there will be a paradigm shift in our culture that will alter its
and feel their personal past. We must confess our wrongs, assumptions and attitudes. When we tell our stories our single
give voice to our sorrows, resolve our contradictions. voice becomes integrated with the whole. Since each of us is a
Sandra Bloom (2011, p. 80) microcosm of the universal, any repair to our fractured world must
carry with it some repair to each damaged individual; and each

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repair to the individual makes a contribution to the repair of the the web of creation, the source of the thread that guides us
whole. Jung teaches us: “Every advance, even the smallest along the and leads us home. (Artress, 1995, p. 180)
path of conscious realisation adds that much to the world” (Jung, When a member of a community finds peace of mind and heart,
1959, p. 177). this can add in subtle ways to the health and well-being of the
I will again turn to the Maureen Murdock’s words, which mirror community as a whole. I have sought to tell my story in a creative
my own thoughts: way, to go down into the dungeon, as my heart dream foretold,
As each one of us heals our own feminine and masculine and to heal what I could within myself, so that I might find my
nature we change the consciousness on the planet from own sense of peace. I had to find the courage to face the worst,
one of addiction to suffering, conflict, and domination deep grief, attendant shame, darkness and shadows. I needed the
to a consciousness that recognizes the need for affiliation, darkness to gestate a new life, and the light to cultivate its blossom.
healing, balance, and inter-being. … We are a pilgrim I was willing to dissolve resentment and to find –
people; we are on a journey together to learn how to honour the voice of her Woman of Wisdom to heal her estrangement
and preserve the dignity of all life forms seen and unseen; from the sacred feminine. As she honours her body and soul
therein lies our heroic power. (Murdock, 1990, p. 183) as well as her mind, she heals the split within herself and the
From her writing I am inspired to remember that, yes, we are culture. Women today are acquiring the courage to express
pilgrim people and that we are on a journey together. The work their vision, strength to set limits, and the willingness to
my colleagues and I carry out at the arts therapy studio in a take responsibility for themselves and others in a new way.
rehabilitation hospital, and in our therapeutic practices generally, They are reminding people of their origins, the necessity to
live mindfully, and their obligation to preserve life on earth.
offers listening and a space for creative reflection and re-visioning
(Murdock, 1990, pp. 184-185)
of new possibilities. Herbert Marcuse (1978) has said that the
artist has a responsibility to help society deal with its hidden We find this voice by remembering and learning to listen to
conflicts and contradictions and that the artist must embody hope ancient wisdom, such as we find in myths and the stories of North
in any way possible. To do this we must be able to share in a vision American Indians, indigenous Australians, and shamans. It is seen
of what does not, but still could, exist (Bloom, 2011, p. 80). in classical literature, painted by artists and written about by poets,
and it is found in our dreams. We find it today as we recognise
As Mary Oliver suggested in her poem The Journey, and, as Jetsumna multiple intelligences and insight inherent in each of us. It is the
Tenzin Palmo advised, I needed to save my own life. I needed to voice of wisdom and simplicity that lies beyond cleverness and
find myself on solid ground before I could turn to help others. The information. We can recognise this voice of grace, embedded in
task of my journey has been to do this and to free myself from the our blueprint and in our longing. We must learn to listen to it.
restrictions placed upon me by society and by myself. Susan Hatch, my clinical supervisor, puts it this way:
It is my responsibility as a spiritual being to clear out We are here to follow our deepest Self, to enjoy ourselves,
the static from my centre, to realise my inaccuracies of and to contribute to the joy and healing of others. We are
perception, to rid myself of resentments and insecurities, here to create beauty, and to be alive in our common unity
to ask for the release of the pebbles in my heart when with our rich diversity. Each one of us is uniquely placed to
I’m unforgiving. This will allow me to keep focused on make a difference. Each one of us is capable of contributing
the Divine. It is my task, my calling, my responsibility as to the joint global project of righting the way we interrelate
a human being to find compassion for all forms of life. on all levels of our reality. (Hatch, 2006, p. 181)
Through this I am more deeply connected to others and to

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Remembering the Way

I have told my story, only to discover that it is the story of us all. It

was not only my own voice that I was searching for; it was, to adopt
the words of my son, Rhan, to find a voice for the diminished,
the marginalised and the persecuted. I wanted to find a voice that
moves from passivity to action, from silence to protest.
Activism is an antidote against despair; whatever you do
consciously to make a difference is doing something. It is
also an expression of hope, as Vaclav Havel, playwright and
first post-Communist Czech president defined it: Hope is
an orientation of spirit, an orientation of the heart. It is
not the certainty that something will turn out well, but the
conviction that something makes sense, no matter how it
turns out. (Bolen, 2011, p. 193)
My experience has been that my journey has exposed the sacred
within the ordinary. I saw more clearly “that the divine impulse is
everywhere. We learn to seek and to see it all around us, in every
action we take, in every person we encounter” (C. Grof & Grof,
1990, p. 213). Here I find an enthusiasm for the flourishing of
life. My enthusiasm is fed by the voices of those who can no longer
remain silent about the destruction we find around us. I want to
see and leave for my children and grandchildren a world that is
thriving; a world built upon an intricate communal connection,
care and collaboration, all working for the highest ideals possible
for a global family.

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 Chapter 7 The Way Home

Concluding Thoughts There can be no real conclusion; that would be inconsistent with
the cyclical nature of an enquiry such as this. What I have is an
ongoing commitment to unfolding in the process of awakening
What we call the beginning is often the end
and deepening my ability to care and to love.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from. Enquiring into my own life, its struggles and its joys, has given
T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets (1952, p. 144) me a deeper understanding of, and compassion for, those who
are suffering. As Pema Chödrön advised, “Through seeing these
things we can begin to have a lot of compassion, because in
studying ourselves we’re studying the whole human race” (1994,
p. 114). I am hoping this thesis will provide something of value
to others. I am still the little girl in the sandpit. I still wish to
make a contribution as, together, we explore the possibility of
transformation and emergence.

Like Jean Shinoda Bolen, I have kept most of my writings close to

my heart,
for it is a sacred part of my personal story that has until
now been a very private part of my life. Wherever it goes,
I hope that it will be treated gently, but more than that, I
hope that my story will remind you of or waken you to
your own soul journey and the revelatory moments and
deep truths… . (Bolen, 1994, p. 273)
In remembering the way, I give thanks for the cycles of life and
the seasons, for the bountiful life I lead, for the love of my family
and friends, for the warmth of connection, humour and hope, for
creativity in all its forms, for my sensitivity to the earth and my
capacity for feeling compassion, sorrow and love.
When a Masai traveller sees another across a distant ridge,
they raise a hand to say, I see you. When deep grief strikes
us, we plunge into what seems like another world, the
underworld of howling pain, anger, frustration and despair.
Often, our only solace is found in reading or hearing the
stories of others who have walked the same brambled path,
faced the same despair. In exposing my own experience, I
raise my hand to others on their lonely ridge and call out, I
see you. (Gorman, 2005, p. 1)
I now raise my hand and say that I see you.

219
 Remembering the Way
Our time has come.
The veil of separation lifts.
In the stillness of our hearts
we find our own courage
to shield and protect our earthly home.
Bodies, hearts and souls
connected
to the Earth’s heartbreak.

Collaboratively
reclaim the feminine.
Nurture, care and love,
softening,
finding faith in the path.

Awakening to our true self,

blueprint revealed,
the treasure hidden within
our own hearts,
unfolding,
emerging,
as it will.

Healing the wounds of history,

acting together from a place of compassion,
to live with our shared pain and joy,
to face the darkness,
recover wisdom,
redeeming the soul of the world.
We can surely Remember the Way.
Jenni Harris, May 2011
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Appendix

239
 Responses

Now that you have read this thesis. I invite you to send me your responses.
jh_art@yahoo.com.au