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Leslie Rosales

Nate Hellmers

ENG 1201

08 August 2021

Divorce: Life Changing for Better or for Worse?

“There is one divorce approximately every 36 seconds. That is nearly 2,400 divorces per

day, 16,800 divorces per week, and 876,000 divorces a year.” (Pfeiffer 1). Divorce can take a toll

on one’s personal life considering they thought they married the love of their life. After realizing

you were wrong and this was not the person you thought you married, you become doubtful in

yourself and your ability to find the right person for yourself. Now imagine if you had children

with this person. Now the divorce not only affects you and your partner but also your children.

The sad truth is divorce is becoming more and more common these days and, in some cases,

children are involved. Divorce not only affects the adults but also their children and their

behavior, home life, social skills, school life, and possible future relationships.

There are many reasons as to why a marriage unfortunately comes to an end. The obvious

one that always comes to mind is infidelity/betrayal. When your partner cheats on you during

your marriage, you lose trust in that person and ultimately trust in the marriage and most people

decide to end the relationship. Another reason for divorce could be that the couple married too

young, and as the couple grew older, they also grew apart and realized they were not right for

each other. Which when it comes to divorces could be one that is very easy because they both

knew it was not working but remain friends. Couples who constantly argue or have conflicts will

tend to get divorced and this could include domestic violence. In that case the divorce is typically
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bad and even after the divorce they will still argue when having to see each other again. There

are countless reasons for a couple to get divorced and every situation is different, but what most

divorces have in common is that there are children involved. As said in an article published by

Gale, a Cengage Company, “Researchers have estimated that, by age nine, 20 percent of children

of married parents and 50 percent of children of cohabitating parents will experience the

dissolution of their parents’ relationship.”. Cohabitating parents are couples that live with their

partner and still have children, but they do not get married. Either way the child of the couple

will still face the same effects as the children with parents who were married.

When parents come to the decision to end their marriage, they are not only affecting their

lives but also their children’s lives. When it comes to children, watching their parents’ marriage

come to an end whether it was peacefully or disastrous, can take a toll on the way they behave or

act. The change in behavior can be different for all children, but in this case, I will be talking

about children, which will range up to 9, and adolescents, which will go from ages 10 and up.

Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist, says “divorce tends to intensify the child’s dependence and it

tends to accelerate the adolescent’s independence.” When you are a young child, you depend a

lot on your parents and put all your trust into them. When the parents’ divorce, they shake the

trust in the child and the child then become very anxious. Not knowing what is going to happen

with their parents, their home life, and other changes, the child behaves anxiously and, in a way,

will regress. “There can be separation anxieties, crying at bed times, breaking toilet training, bed-

wetting, clinging, whining, tantrums, and temporary loss of established self-care skills,”

(Pickhardt 1). These are some of the behavior changes that Carl Pickhardt listed in his article, all

which will require parental attention from both parents. The child does this in an attempt to bring
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both parents back closer together. This is how divorce can affect the child’s behavior but when it

comes to adolescents their change in behavior is quite different.

As I previously stated, the child’s behavioral response to their parents’ divorce is

regressive but when it comes to adolescents, their behavioral response tends to be more

aggressive. “The more independent-minded adolescent tends to deal more aggressively to

divorce, often reacting in a mad, rebellious way, more resolved to disregard family discipline and

take care of himself since parents have failed to keep commitments to family that were originally

made.” (Pickhardt 1). What Pickhardt is saying is that the adolescent becomes more independent

very quickly because they believe they can only depend on themselves and not their parents.

They feel this way because they think that if their parents can break their marriage and

commitments they made to each other then they will just do the same thing to the adolescent.

Instead of trying to find a way to get their parents back together like the child would, the

adolescent will often take the opposite approach and try to get back at the parents. Pickhardt uses

this example, “if they don’t mind hurting me, then I don’t mind hurting them.”, which is how the

adolescent sees the situation in their point of view and now will only focus on themselves. “Now

the adolescent can act aggressively to take control of his life by behaving even more distantly

and defiantly, more determined to live his life his way, more dedicated to his self-interest than

before.” (Pickhardt 1). As you can see the behavior of an adolescent becomes more independent

and focused on friends rather than family. It is a lot easier for the adolescent to accept the fact

that their parents are separating, but it does not mean they like it or are happy about it. Although

children and adolescents have different behavioral reactions to their parents’ divorce, I think it is

safe to say that the behavioral actions are not very good.
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Now that we see how divorce can affect the children’s behavior, we can take a look at

how divorce can affect the home life of the parents and children. With divorce comes the

separation of everything the two of you had together as a couple. This includes the home the

couple once shared together. “After divorce, the nuclear family becomes a binuclear family-two

households instead of one.” (Sullivan 1). It is very important for children to have a routine; they

need something consistent in their life as they develop and change. When the parents get

divorced typically the mother gains the full custody of the child. Now the child must go between

two households and create a completely different routine which is unfamiliar to the child and

will make them very anxious at first. Carl Pickhardt says it best, “They surgically divide the

family unit into two different households between which the child must learn to transit back and

forth, for a while creating unfamiliarity, instability, and insecurity, never being able to be with

one parent without having to be apart from the other.”. What Pickhardt is saying is that now the

child must go from one parent and one house to another parent in another home and adjust to

being with only one parent at a time rather than being in one home with both parents. Some

parents try to stay very good friends and spend a lot of time together to try and relieve the child

of pain. Unfortunately, by doing so they are only feeding into the children’s hopes and dreams

that their parents could eventually get back together, rather than just letting the child cope with

their new home life.

It can be hard for a child to go from one home with both parents to two homes and one

parent in each, but it can also be harder for the parents. The parents go from having two shared

incomes and splitting up responsibilities to having to do it on their own. Which can be difficult

for a mother who did not have a job and was a stay-at-home mother. “Custodial mothers often

experience a significant reduction in their economic resources after divorce.” (Hopf 1). Now she
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must provide a stable home for her and her children and manage to provide them with everything

they need. “Custodial mothers often experience a significant reduction in their economic

resources after divorce, retaining only about 50-75 percent of their pre-divorce income compared

to the 90 percent retained by noncustodial fathers.” (Hopf 1), this usually leads single families to

move to less expensive neighborhoods. However, with the financial support from their fathers it

can prevent this from happening. The help provided from the father would of course be what is

known as “child support”. The fathers home life changes to having to get a new place, possibly

paying child support, manage to take care of the children on his own if he has them, and maintain

his new home without the help of a female partner.

With the change in home life comes with parents trying to coparent their children. “Many

coparents fail to establish a workable shared-custody situation…. Their inability to move on

from the anger and blame that accompanies the loss of their spousal relationship often obstructs

their ability to create a workable shared-custody.” (Sullivan 1). Matthew Sullivan explains in his

essay how coparenting typically fails because the parents hold grudges towards each other and

that affects how they plan to parent their children. With this type of situation and these types of

coparents, they use any engagement they have with each other to start an argument and bicker.

This will in turn make the child very upset to see their parents constantly arguing any time they

come into contact. Matthew Sullivan also says, “The most robust finding in the divorce literature

over the last 30 years is that high-conflict shared custody arrangements damage children’s

healthy development.”, Sullivan is explaining how a toxic relationship between the parents can

affect the child’s development in a negative way. In Matthew Sullivan’s essay he explains the

three basic models of coparenting, they are cooperative, conflicted, and parallel. Cooperative

coparents communicate well with how they want to raise their children and their decision-
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making is easier to accomplish. Conflicted coparents have insufficient problem-solving skills

with their mistrust in each other. Parallel coparents involve a low level of engagement with each

other yet still being able to come to agreement with decisions about the children. Coparenting is

not easy especially because you divorced this person because you did not want to be with them,

unfortunately if you have a child with them, they will be in your life no matter what. The best

thing to do is be civil with each other so that the children will have a healthy development.

When it comes to parents getting a divorce, the child may feel as if it is their fault. This

way of feeling can lead to the child thinking that he/she is not good enough for their parents to

stay together. This can affect the child’s social development and making friends or relating to

people will be very hard for children of divorced parents. As stated in an article, “Children

whose family is going through divorce may have a harder time relating to others and tend to have

less social contacts.”. The child will become more socially awkward only because they will feel

like the black sheep amongst other kids. In the child mind they believe they are the only ones

whose parents are splitting up, and this makes them feel different than other children. The

children can also feel quite angry with their parents for making the child feel this way and will

sometimes take their anger and frustration out on their friends, “Children processing divorce may

display anger at their parents, themselves, their friends, and others.” (Unknown 1). When the

children take out their anger on their friends, that may cause them to lose all their friends, and

when that happens the child will feel as if everybody is leaving them, and they feel like they are

all alone. Another article says, “children of divorced parents did worse when rated by both

parents and teachers on peer relationships, hostility towards adults, anxiety, withdrawal,

inattention, and aggression.”. As you can see the social skills of a child with divorced parents can

be severely compromised when they experience their parents splitting up.

Some may think that school could be a way for the child to escape the fact that what

they once thought was a happy home was slowly falling apart. Children with divorced parents

often suffer more in school, not because they cannot do the work but because they have their

parents’ divorce constantly on their mind. “For children, trying to understand the changing

dynamics of the family may leave them distracted and confused… this can mean one of the

effects of divorce on children would be seen in their academic performance.” (Unknown 1). With

trying to understand why their parents are getting a divorce can leave the child’s mind often

wandering and losing focus, thus causing them to not perform as well as other children with

parents who are still married. In an article published by Gale, a Cengage Company it states, “The

study found that children from stable households disrupted by divorce were 6 percent less likely

to finish high school and 15 percent less likely to finish college than children of non-divorced

parents.”. It is not because the child cannot do the work or is not capable of doing it, there are so

many factors that contribute to this statistic. Their whole world is flipped upside down and their

mind is filled with constant questions as to why this is happening to them. Children may also do

poorly in school because they had to move and start at a new school. For a lot of children moving

and starting at a new school can be very difficult. They have to leave behind what was once

familiar to them and start fresh somewhere new, this includes a new school with new friends.

Making friends can be very difficult especially if the child feels like they are different from

everyone else because their parents got a divorce. This can lead to the child not wanting to go to

school or do schoolwork, thus leading them to perform poorly in academics. Fortunately, in most

cases the child will grow out of feeling like the black sheep and begin to perform just as well as

all the other children in their grade.

As much as parents hope and dream that their child will not have to experience divorce

like they did, that will not always be the case when it comes to children of divorced parents. As

the children get older and begin relationships of their own, they will try their best to not be like

their parents. When doing so, this could lead them to not being able to find a relationship at all,

because they are trying so hard to be the opposite of their parents it can get in the way of them

ever finding love. In an article it states, “despite hoping to have stable relationships themselves

when they grow up, research has also shown children who have experienced divorce are more

likely to divorce when in their own relationships.”, that means no matter how hard they try to

have a stable relationship they are more likely to repeat history because that is all they know and

that is how they grew up. In the article published by Gale, a Cengage Company it elaborates on a

study conducted by psychologist Judith Wallerstein, and it states, “Wallerstein asserted that as

adults, they had difficulty forming romantic relationships, were unable to commit to a partner

due to a fear of failure or abandonment, and were less likely to have children.”. As you can see,

the children are so traumatized by the experience of their parents’ divorce so much so that they

cannot have romantic relationships and don’t want children for the fear that they might

experience their parents separating as well. The child raised in a divorced household may also be

very hesitant when it comes to marriage. Growing up and watching their parents go through a

divorce will much likely change the way the child views marriage in the future. They will always

associate marriage with a negative attitude and that will lead to them having decreased

commitment to relationships. The article also says, “Some research indicates this propensity to

divorce may be two to three times as high as children who come from non-divorced families.”,

which is basically proving that children of divorced have a higher rate of also getting divorced.

Children of divorced parents tend to have low trust, which is not good for a romantic
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relationship. This will lead the children to casually date instead of committing to one

relationship. The child would rather constantly change partners in fear that if they stay

committed to one person and eventually become married that their marriage would end in

divorce just like their parents did.

However, the divorce of parents will affect boys and girls differently. In another article

by “Marripedia” they say, “Young women from divorced families will feel a need for love and

attention and yet fear abandonment; they will also be prone to both desire and anxiety.”. When

the girls of divorced parents grow older and begin romantic relationships, they will tend to have

little confidence in themselves and their relationships. They also may not choose the best male

partners especially if the father becomes absent after the divorce. Which is why the women feel

the need for male attention and want to be desired. However, when it comes to men of divorced

parents, they tend to play the role of a hero when it come to romantic relations ships. As stated in

the same article, “Men whose parents divorced are inclined to be simultaneously hostile and a

“rescuer” of the women to whom they are attracted, rather than be more open, affectionate,

cooperative partner, more frequently found among men raised by parents of an intact marriage.”,

if the men have an absent father that will also affect the way they treat their women in

relationships. Without their father they have no role model of intimacy outside family, which is

why the boys need their fathers in their life. The article also says that the men with divorced

parents are more likely to be more violent toward their future partners. Although children with

divorced parents may grow up and go through exactly what their parents did, it is not always

certain that that will happen.

Yes, divorce can be a very difficult process to go through and even more difficult when

children are involved, but ultimately it is better for children to see their parents happy and
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thriving separately than miserable together. However, the affects that divorce can have on the

children should not be taken lightly. Not only will divorce affect the adults but it will also affect

their children in a drastic way. Their behavior, home life, social skills, academic performance,

and future romantic relationships may never be the same.

Works Cited

"Children of Divorced Parents." Gale Opposing Viewpoints Online Collection, Gale, 2019. Gale

In Context: Opposing Viewpoints, link.gale.com/apps/doc/PC3010999344/OVIC?

u=dayt30401&sid=bookmark-OVIC&xid=a7c750fd. Accessed 25 July 2021.

Hopf, Sarah-Marie. "Most Children Adjust to the Negative Effects of Divorce." Divorce and

Children, edited by Roman Espejo, Greenhaven Press, 2015. At Issue. Gale In Context:

Opposing Viewpoints, link.gale.com/apps/doc/EJ3010953202/OVIC?

u=dayt30401&sid=bookmark-OVIC&xid=17d5f369. Accessed 11 July 2021. Originally

published as "Risk and Resilience in Children Coping with Parental Divorce," Dartmouth

Undergraduate Journal of Science, Spring 2010.

Pickhardt, Carl. "Divorce Affects Young Children Differently than Adolescents." Divorce and

Children, edited by Roman Espejo, Greenhaven Press, 2015. At Issue. Gale In Context:

Opposing Viewpoints, link.gale.com/apps/doc/EJ3010953203/OVIC?

u=dayt30401&sid=bookmark-OVIC&xid=09d8079b. Accessed 11 July 2021. Originally

published as "The Impact of Divorce on Young Children and Adolescents," Psychology

Today, 19 Dec. 2011.

Sullivan, Matthew. "Divorced Parents Must Work to Coparent Their Children." Divorce and

Children, edited by Roman Espejo, Greenhaven Press, 2015. At Issue. Gale In Context:

Opposing Viewpoints, link.gale.com/apps/doc/EJ3010953208/OVIC?

u=dayt30401&sid=bookmark-OVIC&xid=23c7431c. Accessed 11 July 2021. Originally

published as "Coparenting: A Lifelong Partnership," Family Advocate, vol. 36, no. 1,

Summer 2013.

“Website Menu.” FamilyMeans, www.familymeans.org/effects-of-divorce-on-children.html.