Shitty Ensigns  
 
For every one Jean-Luc Picard, there are 
five shitty ensigns. This is their story. 
 
 
 
 

 
Premise
 
 
You are an ensign serving on a starship a​ nd you 
aren't very good at it. You'll probably wash out within the 
month, but for now you're stuck dealing with alien life 
forms, negotiating peace treaties, and trying not to get 
yourself killed. 
   

1 
  
Make a Character
 
 
You have five stats. 
❖ Clumsy:​ ​How bad you are at acting with reflexes or 
dexterity, such as when firing a phaser, dodging out of 
the way of an attack, or running in a quick burst of 
speed. You might have terrible hand-eye coordination, 
really bad aim, or just have terrible luck when it comes 
to your reflexes. 
❖ Weak:​ How bad you are at acting with strength or 
endurance, such as when taking a heavy blow, breaking 
something, staying awake for a long time, or surviving 
on a hostile planet. You might be really scrawny, have a 
terrible constitution, or just be a big wimp when it comes 
to dealing with pain or discomfort. 
❖ Rude:​ ​How bad you are at being persuasive or 
assertive, such as when convincing someone you're 
something that you aren't, negotiating for a peaceful 
surrender, or talking your way out of a situation. You 
might be extremely blunt and painfully honest, very 
sarcastic, or just really bad at reading social situations. 
   

2 
 
❖ Cowardly:​ ​How bad you are at being strong-willed or 
forceful, such as when leading your crewmates, 
standing strong in the face of danger, or acting quickly 
and decisively. You might be terrified of everything, 
really unassertive, weak-willed, or just really easily 
overlooked or ignored. 
❖ Dumb:​ ​How bad you are at being knowledgable or 
exploratory, such as when investigating something new, 
trying to recall information, figuring out how to work an 
alien artifact, reading a tricorder, or keeping an eye out 
for danger. You might have a really low IQ, be really 
oblivious to your surroundings, be super easily 
distracted, or have absolutely no common sense. 
 
Assign these numbers to your stats: ​-1, +0, +1, +1,​ ​and 
+2. 

3 
 
HP & AC
 
 
Your Hit Points​ ​are a measure of how many wounds you 
can take before going down. Your HP equals 4 minus your 
Weak score. Most enemies can deal 1 wound at a time, 
strong enemies can deal 2 wounds, and extremely powerful 
enemies can deal 3 wounds. 
 
Your Armor Class​ ​determines how many wounds you 
ignore when you get hit. If you get hit for 2 wounds and you 
have an AC of 1, you instead only take 1 wound. Your AC is 
0 if you have a Clumsy score of 0 or higher, 1 if you have a 
Clumsy score of -1 or -2, and 2 if you have a Clumsy score 
of -3. 
   

4 
  
Your Department
 
 
Choose a Department.​ ​When you roll with something 
having to do with your Department, take -1 to your roll. 
 
Operations:​ ​Choose one from below. 
❖ Engineering 
❖ Security 
❖ Tactical 
❖ Communications 
 
Command:​ ​Choose one from below. 
❖ Pilot 
❖ Navigator 
❖ Helmsman 
❖ Gunner 
 
Sciences:​ ​Choose one from below. 
❖ Technician 
❖ Medic 
❖ Biology 
❖ Sensors 
   

5 
 
How to Play
 
 
When you do anything related to your job,​ ​even if it 
would be very easy for a normal person, roll 2d6 + the stat 
you're using + any bonuses you might have. 
❖ If you have advantage, roll 3d6 and take the two lowest. 
❖ If you have disadvantage, roll 3d6 and take the two 
highest. 
❖ If you have advantage ​and​ disadvantage, roll normally. 
 
Dice Results: 
❖ 6 or under:​ ​You actually manage to do something 
right. Mark a point of good luck. 
❖ 7-9:​ ​You sort of half-ass it. You either barely succeed or 
there's some consequences or bad side effects as your 
crew members are forced to pick up your slack. Mark a 
point of bad luck. The GM might also have you mark a 
condition. 
❖ 10+:​ ​You fail terribly or really fuck up, just as expected. 
The situation gets worse and someone will probably get 
hurt or put in a bad position because of your blunder. 
Mark experience and a condition. 
 
The GM never rolls,​ ​only the players roll. If an enemy 
attacks a character, their player rolls to defend. If someone 
tries to persuade a character, their player rolls to resist, and 
so on. 

6 
  

 
Bad Luck
 
When you have 3 bad luck points,​ the GM can make a 
move against you at any time. Examples include: 
 
❖ You get yelled at by a senior officer in front of a lot of 
people and take a condition. 
❖ Something important breaks or malfunctions as soon as 
you touch it. You mark a condition. 
❖ You're mistaken for someone important and kidnapped 
by aliens. 
❖ You see something very bad but no one besides your 
fellow shitty ensigns believes you. 
❖ The holodeck malfunctions and creates an extra terrible 
version of you that appears in every holodeck program. 
You take a condition each day it isn't fixed. 
❖ You become entangled in a sinister plot. 
 
As soon as the GM makes this move, erase 3 bad luck. 
 
   

7 
 
Good Luck
 
 
You can spend good luck points​ to do one of the 
following: 
 
❖ Spend one good luck point to negate a wound as soon 
as you take it by diving out of the way at the last second. 
❖ Spend one good luck point to ask a question about the 
current situation and get an honest answer from the 
GM. 
❖ Spend two good luck points to blame someone else 
when something goes terribly wrong because of your 
roll. Your superior officers believe you but your fellow 
shitty ensigns know what you did. 
❖ Spend three good luck points to inject something 
beneficial to yourself into the narrative. 
 
You can never have more than 3 good luck points at one 
time. 

8 
 

 
Experience
 
Mark experience​ each time you roll a 10+. When you 
have a total of five experience points, your commanding 
officers are completely fed up with you. Erase all 
experience and choose one from below. 
 
❖ You get transferred to a different department. 
Choose one or the GM will choose for you. 
❖ You promise you'll try harder.​ Decrease one of your 
stats by 1. 
❖ You wash out.​ This life obviously isn't for you. You go 
home quietly or by making a big scene. Make a new 
shitty ensign character. 
 
No one stat can go lower than -3. If the total of your stats 
ever reaches -5 or lower, you are no longer a shitty ensign. 
Your character gets a promotion and stops hanging out 
with the other shitty ensigns. Make a new shitty ensign 
character. 

9 
  

 
Conditions
 
Conditions​ ​are a way to track how the rest of the crew 
feels about you, and it's probably not good. Conditions 
determine how people react to you when they've heard of 
you or read your file. Conditions always go in your file and 
stay there, even after you've erased them from your 
character sheet. 
 
Sample conditions include:  
 
❖ Insubordinate  ❖ Inept 
❖ Disrespectful  ❖ Spineless 
❖ Brash  ❖ Slow 
❖ Unpleasant  ❖ Foolish 
❖ Sickly  ❖ Obtuse 
❖ Annoying  ❖ Gullible 
❖ Pathetic  ❖ Naive 
❖ Accident-prone  ❖ Vapid 
❖ Scatterbrained  ❖ Idiotic 
❖ Irresponsible  ❖ Indiscreet 

10 
  

 
Relationships
 
Relationships​ ​are a measure of how well you know your 
fellow ensigns and the other people you interact with. 
 
❖ Assign a +2 to the player character you know the best. 
❖ Assign a -1 to the player character you know the least. 
❖ Assign a +1 to all other player characters. 
❖ Assign a +0 to all NPCs. 
 
When you want to help someone,​ ​roll plus your 
relationship score with them. If you succeed, they take -1 to 
their roll. 
 
When you want to hinder someone,​ ​roll plus your 
relationship score with them. If you succeed, they must add 
+2 to their roll. 
 

11 
  

 
Ten Forward
 
When you feel really shitty about life,​ ​you can sulk in 
your quarters or you can go to Ten Forward and hang out 
with the only people who can sort of understand you, your 
fellow shitty ensigns. 
 
When you spend a scene​ ​playing games, drinking, 
eating, and talking in Ten Forward with at least one other 
shitty ensign, you can choose one from below. 
 
❖ Erase a condition if you talked it out. 
❖ Increase one relationship stat by 1 with someone that 
made you feel better in this scene. 
❖ Mark experience. 
 
When you play a game,​ ​such as Tri-Dimensional Chess, 
Strategema, Dabo, Poker, Go, Durotta, or Kadis-kot, all 
players roll with Dumb. The lowest roll wins. On a tie, the 
game is a draw or the tied players roll again. 

12 
  

 
The Holodeck
 
When you have some free time,​ ​you can spend it 
having adventures in the holodeck! In the holodeck, you are 
still sort of shitty, but you also have the cheat codes to 
make yourself seem way cooler than you really are. 
 
While in the holodeck,​ ​take a temporary -4 to your stats, 
distributed however you like. You don't take any conditions, 
good or bad luck, or experience for any rolls you make while 
in the holodeck unless what you do actually affects another 
crew member, such as attacking them for real, making a 
fool of yourself, or doing something that ruins the fun for 
everyone else. The GM decides what counts as actually 
affecting another crew member. 
 
While in the holodeck,​ ​you can also choose to reroll any 
roll that you fail by saying, "Computer, go back!" After you 
do so, roll 2d6. On doubles, the rest of your crew is sick of 
you doing that and you can't reroll in the current holodeck 
adventure again without them kicking you out. 

13 
  

 
End of Session
 
Relationships.​ ​You can shift one of your relationship 
scores up by 1 if you also shift another score down by 1. 
Explain how you've grown away from or closer to those 
characters. No relationship score can go higher than +3 or 
lower than -2. 
 
Stats.​ ​You can shift one of your stats up by 1 if you also 
shift another down by 1. Explain how you got better and 
worse at those stats. No stat can go higher than +2 or lower 
than -3. 
 

14 
  

 
Weapons
 
Unarmed Attacks.​ ​Roll with Weak to attack with your 
fists, feet, knees, elbows, face, or any other part of your 
body. This attack deals 1 damage if your Weak score is 0 or 
less. Otherwise, you deal 0 damage. If you roll a 10+, you 
hurt yourself, someone else, fall prone, or the situation gets 
worse somehow because of your actions. 
 
Phasers set to stun.​ ​Roll with Clumsy to attack with a 
phaser. If your phaser is set to stun, it does 1 damage on a 
7-9. On a 6 or lower, you actually manage to stun your 
target and they go down hard. On a 10+, you accidentally do 
1 damage to one of your crew members, some important 
equipment, or an innocent bystander, or something else 
goes terribly wrong because of you. 
 
Phasers set to kill.​ ​Roll with Clumsy to attack with a 
phaser. If your phaser is set to kill, it does 3 damage on a 
7-9. On a 6 or lower, the target dies immediately. On a 10+, 
you accidentally do 3 damage or outright kill someone else, 
are court marshalled, and relieved of duty. Make a new 
shitty ensign character. 

   
15 
 

 
Wounds
 
When you take a wound,​ ​you are hindered. For each 
wound you take, choose one from below. 
❖ Take a temporary +1 to a stat of your choice. No stat 
can go above +2. You get rid of this change when you 
heal the wound that caused it. 
❖ You panic and run away. If running away isn't possible, 
you hide. If hiding isn't possible, you cower and cry and 
beg for mercy and it isn't pretty. You only stop if the 
situation changes or you heal the wound that caused 
you to panic. 
If you reach 0 hit points, you're knocked unconscious. 
 
Death​ ​doesn't happen unless the GM and player both 
agree on it. What happens after a character falls 
unconscious depends on what happens in the story. 
 
Healing​ ​using first aid can be used by anyone to try to 
patch someone up. A success heals one wound. No more 
than two wounds can be healed in a day using first aid. For 
every full night's sleep in sickbay, a character naturally 
heals one wound. 

   
16 
 

 
Combat
 
To determine initiative,​ ​roll with Cowardly or Clumsy, 
whichever is lower. Minor enemies have a 12 initiative, 
moderate enemies have a 9 initiative, and major enemies 
have a 6 initiative. On a tie, characters go first. Start with 
the lowest initiative and work your way up, then start over at 
the bottom. 
 
If the characters are surprised,​ ​the enemies attack 
first, then initiative is rolled and combat proceeds normally 
in order of initiative. 
 
If the enemies are surprised,​ ​the characters attack 
first, then initiative is rolled and combat proceeds normally 
in order of initiative. 
   

17 
  
Movement
 
 
On a character's turn,​ ​they can move one measure of 
distance (from touch to short range, short range to medium 
range, or medium range to long rang, or vice versa) and 
take an action. An action can be replaced by another 
movement, but a movement cannot be replaced by an 
action. Actions include attacking, drinking or eating 
something, hiding, saying something of significance, or 
anything else that isn't moving. Moving includes running, 
jumping, swimming, climbing, and sneaking, though 
anything other than a normal movement requires a roll to 
see how successful it is. 
 
If you move out of touch range​ ​of an enemy, the 
enemy gets to immediately try to attack you. Similarly, if an 
enemy moves out of touch range of you, you get to 
immediately try to attack it. The only way to avoid this 
attack is to use your action to duck away. 
 

18 
  

 
Distance
 
Touch​ ​is the distance you must be in to make an attack 
with a weapon that doesn't have a range. When you are in 
touch distance, it means you can reach out and touch the 
other person or object. An attack made with a ranged 
weapon at touch distance has disadvantage. 
 
Short range​ ​is an amount of distance just barely out of 
touch. It means you are far enough not to get hit by a 
weapon that doesn't have range, but someone could get to 
you in one movement. 
 
Medium range​ ​is an amount of distance that is safely 
away from touch range. One movement can get you from 
medium range to long range or short range. 
 
Long range​ ​is an amount of distance that is very far away 
from an object. An attack made with a ranged weapon at 
long range has disadvantage. 

19 
  

 
Enemies
 
Minor enemies: 
❖ Damage: 1 wound per hit 
❖ Attacks: 1 attack per round 
❖ HP: 2 to 4 
❖ AC: 0 or 1 
 
Moderate enemies: 
❖ Damage: 1 wounds per hit 
❖ Attacks: 2 attacks per round 
❖ HP: 3 to 6 
❖ AC: 1 or 2 
 
Major enemies: 
❖ Damage: 3 wounds per hit 
❖ Attacks: 1 attack per round 
❖ HP: 6 to 10 
❖ AC: 2 or 3 

20 
  
Running an
 
Adventure
 
1. Come up with a problem or threat​, such as aliens 
trying to take over your ship, a distress signal on an 
unexplored planet, a strange phenomenon that's affecting 
ship systems, a malfunctioning holodeck, a time loop, or 
anything else you can think of. Alternatively, run an 
adventure in the holodeck, maybe using a totally different 
system. 
 
2. Throw the shitty ensigns into the thick of it. 
Maybe everyone else is busy dealing with something more 
important. Maybe the captain is trying to give the ensigns a 
way to prove they aren't totally incapable. Maybe a senior 
officer is just waiting for you to screw up bad enough that 
they can kick you off the ship. Maybe the ensigns are on 
their first assignment and no one knows they're shitty yet. 
Whatever the reason, they have to solve it. 
   

21 
  
3. Play to find out what happens.​ Let the shitty 
ensigns be shitty. Don't assume that anything will go right. 
Let failures drive the story forward as much as successes, 
always presenting new complications and decisions. A roll 
always changes the situation for better or worse. If things 
get really out of hand, have competent officers show up and 
save the day, or have something even worse show up and 
give the characters a chance to escape. 
 
4. Encourage internal conflict.​ Pit the characters 
against each other whenever possible. Split them up, throw 
them back together, use the enemy to tempt them to betray 
each other. Give them chances to make fools of themselves 
in front of the rest of the crew and officers, and be liberal 
with giving them conditions. Give them plenty of 
opportunity to mouth off and get themselves into trouble, 
but never throw them in the brig or confine them to 
quarters, at least not for long or without something else 
happening that forces them back into the action again. 
 
5. Have fun.​ If a player isn't having fun, find out why. 
There's no point in playing this game if not everyone is 
enjoying it. 
   

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____________​'s Character Sheet
 
 
Your Name:​ ____________________________________________ 
 
Your Department:​ _____________________________________ 
 
Clumsy  -3  -2  -1  +0  +1  +2 
Weak  -3  -2  -1  +0  +1  +2 
Rude   -3  -2  -1  +0  +1  +2 
Cowardly  -3  -2  -1  +0  +1  +2 
Dumb  -3  -2  -1  +0  +1  +2 
 
HP: ______  Good Luck: ______ 
   
AC: ______  Bad Luck: ______ 
   
Conditions:  Relationships: 
 

23 
  

 
Credit
 
This game was created using the P ​ owered by the 
Apocalypse​ system by Vincent Baker, altered only 
slightly. 
 
Fonts used are​ Squada One and Roboto. 
 
Layout inspired by​ ​Dragon Riding Is Easy, Isn't It?​ by 
Hans Chun. 
 
Content inspired by​ ​Star Trek​ by Gene Roddenberry, 
Lasers and Feelings​ written by John Harper and published 
by One Seven Design, and ​Simple World​ written by Joe 
Mcdaldno and published by Buried Without Ceremony. 
 
Concept by​ Duwane of F​ uzzbox Industries​. 
 
Created using G​ oogle Docs. 
 
Written by​ Litza and Thor of ​Baby Squalling Dragons​. 
 
Art by​ Litza and Thor of B
​ aby Squalling Dragons​. 

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