Breaking Free Workbook
Breaking Free Workbook
Breaking Free Workbook
Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith Miller
BREAKING FREE
A Recovery Workbook for
Facing Codependence
Pia Mellody
and Andrea Wells Miller
Harp er One
An Imprint o/HarperCollinsP»Z>Zis/>ers
HarperOnc
HarperCollins books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional use.
For information please write: Special Markets Department, HarperCollins Publishers, 10
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Mellody Pia.
Breaking free : a recovery workbook for facing codependence / Pia Mellody and
Andrea Wells Miller. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-0-06-250590-3
1. Codependents—Rehabilitation. 2. Self-care, Health.
I. Miller, Andrea Wells, II. Title.
RC569.5.C63M44 1989
616.86—dc20 88-45979
11 12 RRD(H) 50 49 48 47 46 45 44 43
Contents
2. The beginning awareness of how the disease got set up as you adapted
to childhood experiences that were less than nurturing. This new
awareness is especially crushing when the defenses used to protect
yourself from the reality of what happened to you start to fail, and real
ity hits home.
This fourth factor is curious and very important. Conducting life in the
disease feels normal to a codependent. As you work at recovery, it is easier to
be in the disease than to be functional. Being functional (acting in your own
best interest) feels awful, shameful, as if you are doing something wrong. But
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in recovery you begin to see that what you thought was normal is actually
dysfunctional, and you begin to notice yourself thinking, feeling, and acting in
dysfunctional ways a lot. You learned to operate in this “normal” but dysfunc
tional way in childhood. You have been acting this way a long time and will
find yourself continuing because it has been your standard operating procedure
all along. This awareness is part of the process of recovery, and this book was
designed to help you start to recover and to work against the experience of
being overwhelmed and in denial, delusion, or minimization regarding your
own recovery.
In my recovery, I found two avenues for help. One was therapy to (1) work
on repressed and dissociated memories of childhood trauma, (2) work through
shame core issues, and (3) be confronted regarding my disordered thinking
and behavior. The second avenue involved using self-help tools that com
plemented what I was doing in therapy.
This workbook is designed to enhance self-help activities, although ther
apists can also use it to enhance work with a client whom they are treating for
codependence. I believe that if you can write down (1) the scope of the problem
(childhood trauma), (2) how you adapted so you came to see the disease as
“normal,” (3) how the disease works in your life today, and (4) most important,
how you are actively changing, the balance will change so that you will begin
to see more of your recovery rather than only the enormity of the disease.
This was true for me, and every exercise I suggest here I have done. This
workbook is my gift to you born out of my life experience.
Many codependents do not know that some of the things they experienced in
their family of origin that seemed normal were, in fact, abusive and led to
codependence. Seeing the total picture of your abusive childhood experience
helps you move from minimization and denial into embracing reality. Provid
ing that picture is the purpose of this part of the workbook.
INTRODUCTION I ix
Please note that recording your history here is not an occasion for attempt
ing to reexperience profound or repressed feelings. It is merely a place to write
down the information. If such feelings come up, it is a part of recovery to be
able to connect them to specific incidents. However, overwhelming feelings are
best handled with the help of a therapist.
Part 2 is a guideline five developed for applying the Twelve Steps specifically
to codependence. If you’ve seen some other guideline and want to use it, that’s
fine. But I believe it is important for each of us to write about the disease and
how it looks in our own lives.
In the groups I lead and with the codependents I know, I use this motto:
“Hug your demons or they’ll bite you in the ass.” To move into recovery you
must begin identifying these adult codependency issues and do something
about them or they will continue to interfere with your life through your rela
tionships with others and, most important, with yourself. If you expect any
body else to address them for you, you will probably stay stuck, lost, and sick.
Nobody else is supposed to do this work for you, and no one else can.
While it is true that your parents were responsible for helping you become
a functional adult by exposing you to reality and treating you functionally and
respectfully, it is necessary in recovery not to blame them for the condition of
your life today. You must take charge of your own symptoms and recovery, by
confronting your core symptoms, establishing functional habits, and thereby
becoming an adult. This process is an act of taking charge of your life, or
empowering yourself. Although acting in your own best interest may feel terri
ble at first, later as you get used to the experience of empowering and valuing
yourself, it will feel very good.
The third part of this workbook is designed to help you confront within your
self each core symptom of codependence: inappropriate levels of self-esteem,
impaired boundaries, difficulty owning your reality, difficulty meeting your
own needs and wants, and difficulty moderating your reality, expressing it at
the appropriate age level. By confronting the symptoms, I mean beginning to
take steps to recover from them, such as becoming aware of each symptom,
then becoming able to intervene when they are operating, and doing exercises
to strengthen your ability to intervene. I also include ways to write about your
recovery from five different unmanageable consequences of the core symp
toms. I have found that most people have a hard time staying aware of what
the problems are unless they do a written Step One. In my experience, writing
out Step One as outlined in part 2 before using any of the other means of con
fronting the symptoms of codependence is the most effective approach to
recovery. The information you collect about your disease by writing out Step
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One provides a necessary foundation for recovery, and writing it down helps
you stay aware of the difficulties you experience because of codependence.
Pia Mellody
Breaking Free from Denial:
Helpful Hints as You Begin
As you begin this workbook, you will find it very helpful to become aware of
ways your mind and body can either hinder or help your search for information
about your codependence and healing from it. Following are some hints about
recognizing defense mechanisms that can obstruct your progress, and ways
your body can release information to you that can lead to clearer memories
about your childhood. This section also suggests ground rules for doing the
exercises. Find a quiet place to read for thirty minutes and complete the read
ing assignments in this section before beginning Part 1.
Background Chapter 9 of Facing Codependence. (Please read this chapter before con
tinuing.)
Reading Codependence has some built-in obstacles that can get in the way of your
being able to make any real and lasting changes. They are the same protective
devices you developed in childhood to color the reality of what was happening
to you to make it more pleasant or put the painful reality out of mind so you
could survive. I think you can move through the obstacles more easily if you
are at least aware of them and ready to accept that they are operating in you.
In Facing Codependence, I deal with six defense mechanisms, divided
into two groups. The first group consists of suppression, repression, and the
more profound defense of dissociation. The second group includes minimiza
tion, denial, and the more profound defense of delusion. Descriptions and
examples of each one are in the assigned background reading.
Part 1 of this workbook is a guideline for reviewing your childhood expe
riences to see how they created your codependence. The more you can become
consciously aware of what happened to you in childhood, the easier your
recovery will be. So it’s very important to go back over your past memories and
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begin to work through the various defense mechanisms you have developed so
you can recapture important events you have lost. (This process of dealing
with your defense mechanisms and what they are trying to conceal continues
for the rest of your life, by the way.)
■ For recovery, you must allow other trusted people to confront those
defenses by telling you when they think you are using them.
• Although it will be hard and you may feel fear or anger at the time, you
must listen to these confrontations in order to break through the defenses
to recovery.
Here is a brief review of the defenses you read about in Facing Codependence,
chapter 9.
The first three defenses are suppression, repression, and dissociation. When
HELPFUL HINTS / xiii
these are still operating in you in adulthood, they remove much of your history
from your conscious mind.
Suppression is consciously choosing to forget things that are too painful to
remember. You make a decision to put the memory away, or to “forget,” so that
you don’t have to feel the painful or unacceptable feelings associated with it.
Repression is automatically and unconsciously forgetting things that are
too painful to remember. Such painful and frightening memories are “automat
ically” shifted into the unconscious mind where they are “lost” or hidden.
A child using dissociation psychologically takes his or her emotional and
mental self away somewhere where the abuse is not experienced in full. In
other words, the child no longer experiences the abuse at the intense emotional
and mental level at which the physical pain is felt, although the physical body
of the child is still being abused.
Children usually reserve dissociation to survive abuse they believe is life
threatening, such as incest, molestation, or being beaten until they think the
beating is going to kill them. The fear is either that who they are is going to
be destroyed, or that they’ll be physically destroyed.
Minimization, denial, and delusion are the other three defense mechanisms we
are discussing. When these operate in you as an adult, they allow you to have
your history, but cause you to skew it or distort it so that you can’t see it
accurately.
These are most often used in the adult stage of life. An adult doing abusive
things to his or her children uses minimization, denial, and delusion to avoid
feeing the reality that his or her actions are abusive. And the “adult child” who
must emotionally deal with the memories of his or her childhood uses these
three defenses to avoid the painful reality that his or her beloved parent was
abusive and his or her childhood was not “wonderful.”
Minimization means you see what happened to you as less serious or
important than it would be had the same thing happened to someone else.
Denial is in operation when you can see and grasp certain realities in other
people’s lives, but can’t see that the same realities apply in your own life. You
have intellectual awareness of the abusive event, but can’t feel any feelings
about it. You might agree that something was abusive for another person, but
say, “In my case that happened, but it wasn’t abusive to me.”
Delusion is a process that is more profound and serious. Delusion means
you believe something in spite of the fects, which means you hear the facts but
don’t assign the proper meaning to them. A person in delusion can hear or read
that a certain situation is abusive for a child and just disregard the information,
believing that the situation isn’t abusive for anyone.
A serious problem with delusion is that like all the other defenses, it’s
invisible to you and you don’t know you are deluded. This is a very dangerous
and vulnerable position to be in, since reality itself and anyone with a strong
sense of reality tend to threaten the view you have of your world. So people in
xiv I BREAKING FREE
delusion tend to isolate themselves from those who might reveal the truth about
their lives.
Often the resistance to acknowledging something as abusive stems from
the fact that the person is repeating the same abuse to his or her own children
and doesn’t want to recognize it as abusive. People in this situation can’t see
that they are resisting. They just stick to the “facts” of their own deluded view.
2. Identify the major caregivers who did the abusive things to you. Major
caregivers are the people who were in a position of power or control
over you and had access to you to abuse you (for example, parents,
grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins, older siblings, doctors,
counselors, priests, nuns, ministers, scout leaders, teachers, babysit
ters, even strangers who may have frightened you).
3. Avoid focusing on whether the person who did the abuse meant to
harm you or not. When you’re at the point of getting your history
straight, it is actually irrelevant whether somebody meant to abuse you
or not, and my experience has been that the majority of major
caregivers who abuse children do not mean to.
4. Do not blame the major caregiver for your codependence. The purpose
of looking at who abused you is to be able to hold them accountable in
your mind and separate the act of abuse done to you from any sense you
may have of being inferior or responsible for it.
Blame means you believe you have the problems you have because
of what somebody else did to you. This gives power to the offender and
renders you, the victim, powerless-without the ability to protect your
self or change. Therefore, blaming will keep you stuck in the disease
and will probably make you worse.
Accountability means you acknowledge that the abuse happened and
who did it, but you can do what you need to do to protect yourself and
make the changes necessary to recover from the abuse of your past.
This attitude gives you the power to move into recovery and develop
tools with which to deal with life, whether the offender ever changes or
not.
HELPFUL HINTS I xv
6. Strike these four words from your vocabulary as you describe your his
tory: good, bad, right, and wrong. They’re very judgmental words and
using them makes it hard to hold anybody you care for accountable for
what they did.
Instead, when describing behavior that was very painful and less
than nurturing, use the word dysfunctional. And when you talk about
behavior that was nurturing, that helped you feel good about yourself,
use the word Junctional. In addition to the term dysfunctional, I also
use the terms abusive and less than nurturing throughout this work
book to mean the same thing.
Feeling memories surface in the form of four primary emotions: anger, fear,
pain, and shame. I also call feeling memories “feeling attacks,” since they seem
to come suddenly and uninvited out of nowhere. When a feeling attack comes
in the form of anger, it is a “rage attack.” When it’s in the form of fear, it’s a
“panic attack” or a “paranoia attack.” A feeling memory of pain is a sudden
overwhelming sense of hopelessness, often followed by a thought of suicide.
And a feeling memory of shame (called a “shame attack”) is a sudden, pro
found, almost overwhelming sense of being less-than, worthless, inadequate,
bad, stupid, or ugly (such words about yourself often come to you in the
process of a shame attack). A feeling memory is almost always experienced as
an overwhelming feeling.
These two current manifestations of buried memory (body and feeling
memories) indicate to me that'our minds are so powerful that although we can
bury memories in our unconscious mind and “know but not know,” our bodies
never forget and will keep trying to let us see the truth about ourselves.
Many times these feeling and body memories can be used as doorways to
take you back into remembering what really did happen in your childhood and
retrieving long-repressed events in your personal history.
SPONTANEOUS REGRESSION
Recovery Begins
with Putting' Your History Together
Reviewing your life from birth to age seventeen with regard to what happened
between you and your major caregivers (without blaming or worrying about
whether these caregivers intended to hurt you) is a way to begin to put your his
tory together. Other subtle but powerful ways of getting in touch with these
important memories include listening to people in a therapy group tell about
their histories or tell you what defenses they see you using; following body and
HELPFUL HINTS / xvii
Beyond Denial
About Your
History of Abuse
Your History of Abuse
Purpose of The experience of abuse in childhood is the root of the illness of codepen
dence. I believe the recovery process begins by looking at the beginning of the
Exercise disease-which is in childhood. A dysfunctional, less-than-nurturing, abusive
system could not help you mature. Instead, that environment caused you to
adapt so that your parents could be comfortable. You adapted yourself into the
habits that make up codependence.
I believe that examining the specific events that make up your history as a
codependent serves three important purposes:
1. Writing about your history shows you how your parents’ attitude toward
and treatment of you affected each specific characteristic you had as a
child: your sense of value, your vulnerability, your imperfection, your
dependency, and your sense of how to act your age. As you bring up
these incidents and remember them, you can begin to see exactly the
moment when the abuse was creating your disease.
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change the way you handle relationships in your life today. If you don’t
go back and look at the dysfunctional dynamics of your family of ori
gin, it is virtually impossible to look at the dysfunctional conduct
going on in your family today.
My guess is that most of us recreate childhood dynamics in our
adult relationships in an effort to resolve those old painful and often
denied feelings. The problem is that the feelings cannot be resolved in
this way. Instead, the intensity of our feelings increases.
Eventually, if you’re in touch with your feelings, you sense you’re in
the same old problems, so you leave the relationship, thinking you just
need a different relationship to avoid this problem. Instead of resolving
feelings, you wind up blaming other people in your life for what’s
going on with you. You’ve recreated the same family dynamics and
have surrounded yourself with people who produce the same emo
tional atmosphere, so you do not have healthy, functional relationships.
Background In Facing Codependence, I have divided abuse into five categories. Each cate
gory should be examined as you go through your childhood memories to write
Reading about your less-than-nurturing experiences. Before you begin to write about
each category, read the corresponding chapter in Facing Codependence.
What To Do In the blank chart that follows, list examples of abuse you experienced during
childhood (age: birth to seventeen). For one caregiver at a time, write about
every instance of abuse you can remember with that caregiver in each of the
five areas of abuse. Do this in the following manner:
2. Take one kind of abuse and list all the incidents you remember involv
ing the caregiver. List them in chronological order from your youngest
age to your oldest.
4. List one or more emotions you felt about each incident at the time, and
how you feel now as you remember it. (To keep this exercise simple,
select from these four feelings: shame, anger, fear, pain. For example,
sadness and loneliness would be forms of pain, anxiety a form of fear,
and rage a form of anger.)
5. After you complete the first abuse category, list the next one and all the
incidents in that category involving the same caregiver. Again, list
them in chronological order.
6, Continue working with your memory of that caregiver until you have
worked through each kind of abuse.
7. Then list the next caregiver and start over with the first category of
abuse.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT ABUSE / 7
EXAMPLE
>
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT ABUSE I 9
•
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT ABUSE I 11
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DEPENDENT Interdependent
(NEEDING, WANTING)
What To Do Write about how each incident of abuse you listed in the previous exercise
affected each of the five natural characteristics you had as a child: (1) your
sense of your own value, (2) your vulnerability, (3) your imperfection, (4) your
needs and wants and your ability to get help to meet them, and (5) your sense
of acting your own age. Do this in the following manner:
1. From the previous exercises, copy your first incident in the second
column of the following blank chart. Enter your age in the first column.
3. In the fourth column, write in your own words the message that you
received about each characteristic from the incident with your
caregiver.
You may find that you cannot perceive a message for each of the five
characteristics. Feel free to leave blank spaces beside characteristics for which
no message seems apparent at this time. Any message you may have gotten will
perhaps become clear to you later on.
You may find the same message recurring for a given characteristic as you
work through this exercise, or you may find that the messages were different
with different experiences.
•
18 / BREAKING FREE
Before going on to the next section, check back through the specific examples
of abuse in the previous exercise (“Your History of Abuse”) and see if you can
fill in any additional incidents and their effects on your basic characteristics.
Then go on to part 2.
Part 2
Beyond Denial
About Your
Codependence
Introduction
Now that you have a clearer picture of what went on in your childhood that
created your codependence, the next part of the solution begins with identify
ing how the distorted internal habit patterns are operating in your life in the
present.
I see codependence as a disease of immaturity, rendering a person unable
to experience appropriate levels of self-esteem, unable to set boundaries with
other people, unable to own his or her own reality, unable to take care of his
or her needs and wants appropriately, and unable to express his or her reality
moderately and at the appropriate age level.
I see the five core symptoms as developmental problems of maturation in
this way: all children have to learn certain things to eventually become adults
emotionally and mentally by the time their physical bodies mature. They must
learn to esteem themselves, to have boundaries, to own their own reality, to
take care of their needs and wants, and to express themselves with moderation.
When these functions are not developed or are developed dysfunctionally,
emotional and mental maturity does not accompany physical maturity. There
fore, I often describe codependents as “little people in big bodies.”
Those who suffer from codependence engage in dysfunctional (self-
defeating) patterns of appearing, thinking, feeling, and/or behaving that pre
vent them from experiencing relationships and life fully as mature adults. As
a result of codependence, we do not know how to relate functionally to our
selves. (Many codependents wonder “Who am I?” or are harsh, punitive, and
neglectful toward themselves, or undisciplined and self-indulgent.) We also do
not know how to relate functionally to others: a spouse, children, co-workers,
friends.
As children we do not know whether or not our caregivers are functional,
but we assume they are. So if they are dysfunctional, shaming, and insecure,
and living with them seems pain-filled, lonely, empty, or otherwise difficult,
we assume it is due to our own defects. Since contact with major caregivers
teaches us how to relate to others, the illness of codependence begins to
develop while we are living with them. We come to believe that the emotional
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reactions and behaviors that are hallmarks of codependence are normal, and
we continue to believe so as adults. Thus, as adult codependents, we do not
recognize the silent, deadly, programmed illness of codependence operating in
our lives.
We codependents have adult-looking bodies but we lack the internal habit
patterns necessary to think, feel, and behave as adults. We have not matured
properly to be at our own age level, so we are “little people in great big bodies.”
To recognize and arrest codependence, we must become able to both experi
ence and identify it as a disease, not normalcy.
Part 2 of this workbook is designed to help you confront codependence by
using the Twelve-Step process
* as a guide.
* The Twelve-Step process uses the Twelve Steps first developed by Alcoholics Anonymous.
Codependents Anonymous supports people in recovery from codependence by means of meetings
and the same Twelve Steps, which have been adapted for codependents. To find out about meetings
in your city, check the white business pages of your telephone book for a local number. If there
is no number, contact the national office by mail or telephone. The address is Codependents
Anonymous, P.O. Box 33577, Phoenix, AZ 85067-3577. The telephone number is (602)944-0141.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 27
OVERVIEW OF CODEPENDENCE
♦ Our culture believes that the better-than, invulnerable, perfectionistic, antidependent, and controlling person is healthy. But in fact these are
codependent characteristics and are much more difficult to treat than the characteristics at the other extreme: less-than, too vulnerable, rebellious, too
dependent, and chaotic.
t The absence of horizontal lines in this column indicates that these elements are not related one-on-one with the other items across the same horizon
tal row, but result from any combination of the core symptoms and lead to any of the dysfunctional parenting components.
“We admitted we were powerless over ourselves and th
our lives had become unmanageable.”*
I have divided Step One into two sets of exercises around the two key
powerless and unmanageable. I believe it is necessary to write about b»
you are powerless and how your life is unmanageable to fully make the
sions required by this step.
You will explore the specific way you experience powerlessness over
codependence by writing about each core symptom. You will expl
unmanageability you experience as a result of your codependence by
about what happens as a result of these symptoms.
The writing you do for Step One will provide a base of informal'
you will be using throughout the rest of the steps. The more thorough.
be at this stage, the more benefit you will get from the later steps.
Purpose of These exercises are designed to help you see more clearly how the five
symptoms of codependence are operating in your life. By getting very -
Exercises in your descriptions, you can begin to move beyond denial-out of the
awareness that “Yes, I am a codependent,” into knowing precisely which tl
feelings, and behaviors are codependent and how they are affecting yc
* The wording of this step from Codependents Anonymous is “We admitted we were >
over others, and that our lives had become unmanageable." In my opinion, however, we oi
affect our relationships with others, so I use the word ourselves in this step for the purpose
*
workbook.
28
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 29
Core Symptom i:
Difficulty Experiencing Appropriate
Levels of Self-Esteem
ciousness. It is generated within yourself, rather than coining to you from out
side through the positive regard of other people, accomplishments, or posses
sions. When you experience healthy self-esteem, you know that no matter
what mistakes you make or how you look or what your grades were at school
or what other people say, you are worthwhile, lovable, and adequate.
When you cannot experience healthy self-esteem, you experience esteem
in one of two inappropriate ways. At one end of the spectrum is the experience
of low or no self-esteem. At the other end is the experience of arrogance and
grandiosity, of being better than others. And when you cannot esteem yourself
from within, you get your vital supply of esteem from outside, which is what
I call “other-esteem.”
Codependents operate from arrogance and grandiosity in two different
ways. One way is by using arrogance and grandiosity to cover the pain of feel
ing less than others. The other is actually believing you are better than others
and not experiencing any feelings of being less than others. Either situation is
dysfunctional.
Everybody has equal value. You may have different assets (or talents or
abilities) that are more than or less than others’, but all of us are equally pre
cious, full of worth, and valuable as people.
The state of powerlessness related to this core symptom is this: whenever
you encounter another person, you perceive that person as having either less
value or more value than you. When you are doing either one you are operating
in the disease of codependence. Describing how you do either one brings your
state of powerlessness over this symptom of codependence out of denial and
into the open.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 31
What To Do In the column on the left, describe the situations that trigger your sense of
being of less value than other people. Then, in the column on the right,
describe your thinking about how you are of less value than others.
Describe how you foil to act in your own best interest when you are feeling
of less value than others.
EXAMPLE When I’m aware of my fatigue and thinking that I need to lie
down and rest, but my wife says that right now we need to go
do an errand she’s been waiting for me to do with her, I start
to think that her thinking Is better than mine. I fall to value
my own thinking and tell her how tired I am and then go rest.
Instead I go ahead and do the errand, even though it isn’t in
my best interest.
How I Fail to Act in My Own Best Interest Due to Feeling I Am of Less Value Than Others
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 35
Describe how you view yourself as being of more value than others.
EXAMPLE Cindy often writes hot checks and can't seem to keep her
financial records straight. Her apartment is disorganized and
she is almost always late. As I look at her life, I Judge her to
be inferior to me because my checkbook is balanced, my home
is well kept, and I am usually on time.
I feel better than a person who does not think as fast as I can.
Describe how you become abusive to others when you feel you are of more
value than they are.
EXAMPLE When Cindy Is late for something we are doing together, I use
sarcastic jokes or earnest talks about her "problems” in an
effort to help her. I give myself permission to tell her what to
do in order for me to be comfortable.
How I Become Abusive to Others When I Feel More Valuable Than They Are
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 39
Core Symptom 2:
Difficulty Setting Functional Boundaries
own behavior stays within functional dimensions so that we do not abuse other
*
people
Your boundary system can be in one of five possible conditions: (1) no
boundaries, (2) damaged boundaries, (3) a wall around you, (4) vacillation
between walls and no boundaries, or (5) intact boundaries. Each part of your
boundary system can be in a different condition. For instance, you could have
a nonexistent physical boundary, an intact sexual boundary, and a wall around
your thinking. In this case, anyone could hit you or push you playfully when
you didn’t want him or her to, but you could stop the person at once if the con
tact became sexual. And you could tolerate no differences in thinking from the
people around you. You would probably walk away from or block out a discus
sion that might threaten your way of thinking.
The state of powerlessness related to this symptom is this: when you
encounter another person in a relationship, you are either unable to defend
yourself from abuse and can’t say no (no boundaries or damaged ones) or you
are so well defended that you have no relationship with anyone (walls). (We
will address how you offend others in a later step.)
What To Do Use the following chart to assess each part of your boundary system. Note that
even though the internal boundary is a single boundary protecting the thinking,
feelings, and behavior, for purposes of assessment you will look at each of
these separately. Make an X in the appropriate box in each column. For exam
ple, if you decide you have nonexistent physical boundaries, place an X in the
first box below the heading “External Physical.” If you decide you have dam
aged sexual boundaries, move to the next column, “External Sexual,” and put
an X in the second box in the column. If you decide your “Internal Thinking”
boundary is healthy, mark the box at the bottom of the third column, labeled
“Intact.”
* A videotape and two audiotapes by Pia Mellody about boundaries are available from Mellody
Enterprises, P.O. Box 1739, Wickenburg, AZ 85358.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 41
NO BOUNDARY
DAMAGED
WALL: ANGER
WALL: FEAR
WALL: SILENCE
WALL: WORDS
MOVING FROM
NO BOUNDARY
TO WALLS
INTACT (HEALTHY)
Describe one or more incidents that illustrate how each of your impaired
boundaries is not intact. By writing down the behaviors you engage in because
of your impaired boundaries you can bring your state of powerlessness over
this symptom of codependence out of denial and into the open.
Core Symptom 3:
Difficulty Owning Your Reality
A. You know what your reality is, but can’t or don’t share it with anyone.
What To Do Use the following chart to assess your level of awareness in each area of your
reality. Mark an X in the appropriate box in each column. For example, if you
find yourself angry at your husband a lot but can’t find the courage or the right
time to tell him about it, you are at level A with your feeling reality. On the
other hand, if you feel emotionally numb even when painful things happen
(such as your husband forgets your birthday for the umpteenth time) you are
at level B with your feeling reality. If you recognize your emotions and express
them when appropriate, you are healthy with your feeling reality.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 45
LEVEL A
LEVEL B
HEALTHY
Describe an incident that illustrates your difficulty owning each area of your
reality that is at level A or level B. By writing down how you operate at either
level A or B with any part of your reality, you can bring your state of power
lessness over this symptom of codependence out of denial and into the open.
Core Symptom 4:
Difficulty Acknowledging and Meeting
Your Needs and Wants
I am too dependent: I know my needs and wants but expect other people
to take care of them for me, so I wait for them to do so, not taking care
of them myself.
I am needless and wantless: I don’t even know that I have needs and wants.
I confuse wants with needs: I know what I want and I get it, but I don’t know
what I need. I have them backward, so I try to take care of my needs
(which Fm unaware of) by trying to get everything I want. But I may miss
some very important needs because I have no wants connected with them
(for example, going to the doctor or dentist for checkups).
We can be at different levels for each individual need and want. For exam
ple, we might be too dependent with emotional nurturing needs, antidependent
with big wants, and needless-wantless with physical nurturing needs.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 51
This symptom, like all the others, comes from less-than-nurturing experi
ences in childhood. The person who is too dependent often had almost all his
or her needs and wants completely taken care of throughout childhood by the
parents. He or she was not taught how to take care of his or her own needs or
wants. The person who is antidependent often was attacked in childhood
whenever he or she expressed a need or want. The person who is needless-
wantless often was ignored at times of neediness or wanting. The person who
confuses wants with needs often had parents who did not know how to meet the
dependency needs of the child (especially for emotional and physical nurtur
ing) and instead gave the child everything he or she wanted, thinking that
would take care of his or her needs.
The powerlessness related to this symptom is this: you have difficulty
acknowledging and taking care of your own needs and wants in one or more
of four ways. You are aware of them but expect others to take care of them for
you; or you meet certain ones yourself but cannot ask for help in meeting oth
ers, so you do without; or you do not know that you have certain needs and
wants; or you may try to meet your needs by getting things you want, but your
needs are still unmet.
What To Do Use the following checklists to evaluate where you are with each of the major
dependency needs. Then mark an X in the appropriate box in each column of
the chart on page 54.
FOOD
CLOTHING
Do my clothes fit me properly, being neither too tight nor too baggy?
SHELTER
Do I have the necessary equipment to care for myself and my home (for
example, kitchen implements, cleaning equipment, grooming equip
ment for myself)?
PHYSICAL NURTURING
When I need a hug, can I go to an appropriate person and ask for one?
When I am tired and no one is around to hug me, can I go and get a
massage or sit in a hot tub or lie down and rest to take care of myself
physically?
EMOTIONAL NURTURING
Do I have safe friends from whom I can get time, attention, and direction?
Do I ask for information about things I don’t know about when the need
arises (for example, how to balance a checkbook, how to make an air
line reservation, where to get my car fixed, how to fill out my income
tax return)?
MEDICAL/DENTAL ATTENTION
Use the following chart to evaluate where you are with both your little and
big wants. Place an X in the appropriate box in each column.
Medical/ Financial
Level of Physical Emotional Denta! Sexual Info. Info. i.
Food Clothing Shelter Nurturing Nurturing Attention & Guidance Guidance
Functioning
7bo
dependent
Anti
dependent
Needless/
wantless
Confuse
needs with
wants
Healthy
Too dependent: I know I have needs but I don’t acknowledge or take care
of them.
Antidependent: I know I have needs but I do not or cannot ask for help.
Confuse needs with wants: I take care of needs (of which I am unaware)
by getting what I want (which I can recognize).
TOO DEPENDENT
ANTIDEPENDENT
WANTLESS
HEALTHY
Too dependent: I know what I want but expect others to meet my wants.
Antidependent: I know what I want but do not or cannot ask for help.
Confuse wants with needs: I get wants met in an attempt to meet needs.
Describe specific incidents that illustrate your difficulty meeting the kinds of
needs and wants you evaluated in the two previous charts. By writing down
specific examples of the behaviors you engage in as a result of this difficulty,
you can bring your state of powerlessness over this symptom of codependence
out of denial and into the open.
Core Symptom 5:
Difficulty Experiencing and Expressing
Your Reality Moderately
THE BODY
THINKING
FEELINGS
Difficulty experiencing and expressing our feelings with moderation and at our
own age level is almost a given for any codependent in touch with the shame
core. This difficulty with moderation is also automatic with any codependent
whose internal boundaries are so impaired that the feeling reality of other peo
ple is easily absorbed. Most codependents express feeling reality very
immoderately, either having no awareness of feelings (frozen feelings) or
experiencing strong, overwhelming feelings. We come across to others as
either very immature and chaotic or supermature and tightly self-controlled
(and controlling).
A codependent adult may experience at least four different kinds of feeling
reality:
Frozen feelings from childhood: You experience the release of your own
feeings from childhood that were not safe to feel as a child. To survive
whatever abuse you experienced, you shut down or “froze” the feelings.
As you begin to come out of your defense mechanism, you feel these
feelings as an adult. You feel extremely vulnerable and childlike when
you experience them.
Carried or induced feelings from childhood: You feel the feelings of the
person who abused you that were induced into you in childhood. You
feel overwhelmed or out of control when you experience them.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 61
BEHAVIOR
A person who trusts everyone or no one at all has difficulty with moderate
behavior. So does a person who either doesn’t defend himself or herself at all
or repeats his or her parent’s offending behavior. For example, this person
might beat his or her children because that’s what Dad did, or go to the other
extreme out of dislike for what Dad did and never discipline them at all.
What To Do Describe one or more incidents that illustrate how you have difficulty
experiencing and/or expressing your reality with moderation and at your own
age level in any or all parts of your reality. By writing down specific examples
of your ways of experiencing and expressing your reality to extreme degrees
you can bring your state of powerlessness over this symptom of codependence
out of denial and into the open.
62 / BREAKING FREE
Purpose of These exercises are designed to help you see more clearly what is unmanage
able in your life due to codependence. Describing how the symptoms are
Exercises sabotaging your relationships and affecting the flow of your everyday existence
will help you move beyond denial - even beyond the general admission of “Yes,
my life is unmanageable and Pm miserable’—and into awareness.
I believe that each core symptom creates unmanageable or harmful conse
quences. In other words, I believe that the unmanageable consequences in your
life are created when you are in a state of powerlessness, experiencing one or
more of the five core symptoms. Unmanageable consequences follow power
lessness.
I have identified at least five kinds of unmanageable consequences: nega
tive control, resentment, distorted or nonexistent spirituality, avoiding reality,
and impaired intimacy. Often a single consequence can be caused by several
different core symptoms operating at once. In other words, the unmanageable
consequences are not directly related to any single symptom.
Complete the suggested background reading before you write about each
consequence. Read about one consequence at a time, then do the writing about
that consequence before reading about the next one. Don’t worry if you need
to spend a month or longer on each one. As your denial, minimization, and
delusion gradually recede, you will be able to write more.
look like, think, feel, do, and not do. You are in control of your reality, of
knowing what it is, embracing it, and expressing it when it’s in your best inter
est to do so. Positive control is recovery-the opposite of negative control.
There are three exceptions to the general definition of negative control I
just gave. First, when we are parents, we must engage in influencing a child’s
reality. This may look like negative control on the surface, but when it’s done
respectfully, moderately, and with good reason, it isn’t negative control.
Second, when you hire a therapist, you are buying the therapist’s ability to
influence your reality. It could appear to be negative control, but because that
is clearly the purpose of therapy, it is excluded from the category of unhealthy
negative control.
And third, when you ask someone (such as a sponsor or a friend) for.his
or her opinion about your reality, that person has permission to tell you. This
instance does not represent negative control because the person has your per
mission to influence your reality by his or her opinion.
Writing about your experiences with negative control and describing the
negative control behaviors you engage in brings your experience of unmanage
able consequences out of denial.
What To Do Describe instances when you have engaged in negative control by determining
someone else’s reality.
EXAMPLE When Sammy, my eon, came home angry at his friend, Bobby,
I told him nice boys don’t get angry over things like that. I
did not allow him to feel his own feelings or guide him in the
healthy expression of them.
Consequence 2: Resentment
What To Do In the column on the left, describe incidents about which you have been resent
ful (or are still resentful). (REMINDER: Do not include childhood resent
ments.) Then, in the column on the right, describe your thoughts about ways
to get revenge or punish the perpetrator.
A HEALTHIER RESPONSE
EXAMPLE |
Situation number 1: Clash of value systems
EXAMPLE
Situation number 2: Clash of value systems, but there is no acceptable plan that does not involve the
other person.
When my children from an earlier marriage I see that it is irritating to have young
visit me, my wife becomes angry because teenagers take over the living space that
they monopolize the living room and the belongs to her as well as to me. I will not
television. She doesn't like what they like to stop having my kids visit, so I can only
watch, and they don’t like to watch her acknowledge my anger and resentment
programs. I resent her attitude toward my while giving up having to know how the sit
children. uation will be resolved.
*
* After this man gave up trying to solve this situation and stopped obsessively focusing on ways to change his wife’s attitude, his
wife came up with the idea of building a room on their house in which she could be comfortable while his children were visiting.
Since they had the money, they built it, but the man did not insist that his wife give up her claim to their joint living room, nor did
he stop having his children visit. I realize not everyone could solve the problem this way, but it is surprising how solutions come
even when we can’t think of what they might be.
EXAMPLE
Situation number 3
When I tell my boyfriend about my plans to I now recognize this as an act of intellec
start a child care service in my home, he tual offense on my boyfriend’s part. I need
tells me that I don’t know anything about to tell him that when he criticizes my
business and I’m so scatterbrained I could thinking ability without really knowing
never learn. He lectures me about how I’ll whether I can do these things or not I feel
just get into trouble because I’m not smart anger and pain. I will ask him not to be
enough to deal with all the details. I resent critical of my Intellectual ability when I
his attacking my intellectual ability and talk to him about this plan. If he continues
feel anger and pain as well. to criticize my thinking, I can stop talking
to him about the plan and find people to
talk to who can be more supportive. I can
also evaluate whether I want to continue a
relationship in which I am attacked like this.
74 / BREAKING FREE
Consequence 3:
Distorted or Nonexistent Spirituality
♦ A four-cassette lecture by Pia Mellody about spirituality is available from Mellody Enterprises,
P.O. Box 1739, Wickenburg, AZ 85358.
76 / BREAKING FREE
Human beings are imperfect to some degree and to various levels of serious
ness. There is no getting away from our imperfection-ever. This is the normal
condition of a functional, healthy human being and is why we need a Higher
Power. I call this condition “perfectly imperfect,” being aware and accepting of
our imperfections while still trying to deal with and change hurtful character
defects.
In my opinion accepting that we are imperfect allows us to see more
clearly that the power we need to surmount these imperfections is not a human
power but a spiritual one greater than and outside of ourselves. Further, as
long as the imperfection persists, we can admit to ourselves that we have value
even when we are imperfect and have joy about our value, but we also can have
pain when we know that our imperfection causes trouble for us and for others
in relationship with us. In addition we need to love and accept others as having
value when they are imperfect, protecting ourselves where necessary but
avoiding judgment and criticism of them.
What To Do In the column on the left, describe the ways in which you have difficulty relat
ing to a Higher Power. Then, in the column on the right, list the core symp-
tom(s) from which the difficulty is coming.
Describing the difficulty you have in relating to a Higher Power brings
your experience of this unmanageable consequence out of denial and into the
open.
In the column on the left, describe ways in which you avoid acknowledg
ing your own imperfection. Then, in the column on the right, name the core
symptom(s) from which your fear of sharing your imperfection or your lack of
awareness of your imperfection comes.
Describing your difficulty sharing imperfection with someone brings your
experience of this unmanageable consequence out of denial and into the open.
I believe that for many people, addictions are an outgrowth of core symptoms
of codependence. An addiction can form around any process that relieves
intolerable reality. Because of the relief an addictive substance or behavior
brings, it becomes a priority in your life, taking time and attention away from
other priorities. And this growing absorption leads to harmful consequences in
your relationships that you choose to ignore. You learn to medicate your
unwanted reality through one or more addictive processes. The ones you
choose are the ones that relieve the intolerable reality in the most acceptable,
efficient way for you.
If your need to control reality is great and you don’t indulge in an addiction,
your unacknowledged and unmedicated feelings will be expressed in some
form. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)
refers to these physical expressions of stress as somatoform disorders. These
are chronic physical symptoms that a doctor can never fully treat and bring
relief from. Many people come up with one physical illness after another. I
believe many of these symptoms are produced by the stress of the codepen
dent’s avoiding the pain of owning his or her own reality and not learning to
appropriately experience and express his or her feeling reality.
I
fully knowing about and having feelings about that reality. Later, when using
mental illness to protect yourself from knowing, you take your pain outside the
realm of conscious mental reality so that you don’t have to deal with what is or
was. When you are outside the realm of reality, what happened to you for all
intents and purposes doesn’t exist, and if it did it doesn’t matter.
What To Do In the column on the left, describe any addictions you have engaged in. Then,
in the column on the right, name the core symptom(s) driving this addiction.
Describing your addictions and the core symptoms that drive them will bring
your avoidance of reality out of denial.
In the left column, describe any physical symptoms you currently experi
ence that have resisted traditional medical treatment. Then, in the right
column, name the core symptom(s) you believe may be behind the physical
symptom. Describing your chronic physical symptoms and the core symptoms
to which they may be connected will help bring your avoidance of reality out
of denial.
* Al first you may need help in making the connection between your chronic physical symptoms
and the specific core symptom involved. But it is surprising how often your “guesses” will be true.
So give it your best try and check later with your sponsor or others in the recovery process.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 85
•
86 / BREAKING FREE
In the left column, describe any mental conditions you currently experi
ence (such as depression, delusion,, psychotic episodes). Then, in the right
column, name the core symptom(s) to which you believe these conditions may
be linked. Describing your mental conditions and the core symptoms that are
involved brings your avoidance of reality out of denial.
What To Do In the column on the left, review each type of intimacy (physical, sexual,
intellectual, emotional, behavioral) and write about any that you are unable to
share with others with whom you are in relationship (spouse or significant
other, child, parent, friends). Then, in the column on the right, name the core
symptom(s) to which your difficulty is related.
Describing your own difficulty sharing intimately with others and receiv
ing intimately from others brings your experience of this unmanageable conse
quence out of denial.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 89
In the column on the left, review each type of intimacy (physical, sexual,
intellectual, emotional, and behavioral) and describe ways in which you have
difficulty receiving intimately from each person with whom you are in rela
tionship (spouse or significant other, child, parent, friends). Then, in the
column on the right, name the core symptom(s) to which your difficulty is
related.
k
“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.”
Purpose of Step Two addresses your issues of imperfection and your spiritual connection
to a Higher Power. As I said in the previous section, to relate to a higher power
Exercise in a healthy way that leads to recovery, you must be able to view yourself as
being what I call “perfectly imperfect” and still value or esteem yourself.
Problems concerning spirituality and a relationship to a Higher Power
come up immediately in Step Two. The goal of this step is to correct any
skewed thinking you may have about (1) whether there is a Higher Power, (2)
how it will respond to you if you turn to it, and (3) whether you need to be
restored to sanity. This is the process of coming to believe that a power greater
than yourself (and greater than your parents) can restore you to sanity. To me,
the sanity to which codependents must be restored is the knowledge that we are
perfectly imperfect, that we can only do certain things about that, and that
imperfection is the normal human condition.
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2. A Higher Power exists but isn't thereforme. This attitude is usually that
of the child who was ignored in childhood. The parent was minimally
involved with the child Concerning a few dependency needs and wants,
but not enough to teach the child how to acknowledge or take care of
these needs and wants. This child, on becoming an adult and consider
ing the concept of a Higher Power, believes that a Higher Power exists
but won’t restore him or her to sanity. The person cannot turn to a
Higher Power for help or strength in any real sense because he or she
expects to be ignored.
3. The Higher Power is harsh, punitive, and critical. The process ofbeing
restored to sanity will be shaming, painful, and miserable. This is
usually the attitude of the child who was attacked with criticism and
punishment when he or she was imperfect. In adulthood this person
might believe that there’s a power greater than himself or herself that
will restore the person to sanity, but doesn’t believe that it’s going to be
comfortable or that life will be any better. The person has a negative
relationship with a Higher Power and cannot embrace or share any
issues of his or her own imperfection. To avoid being attacked, this
person has great difficulty talking about his or her imperfection to any
body or admitting his or her imperfections to a Higher Power.
This reaction can sometimes lead to actually denying that a Higher
Power even exists so that the whole issue of being attacked and
punished can be avoided. If this happens, the person can also become
his or her own Higher Power.
Our relationship to our father influences our ideas about the Higher Power.
This fact is hardly ever conscious, and even religious professionals often don’t
realize that although their theology is impeccable, their actual trust level regard
ing their Higher Power is very low because of long-forgotten abuse issues.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 95
• If Dad abandoned you, you become your own Higher Power, believing
that you can accomplish your own recovery. You have difficulty believ
ing in a Higher Power outside yourself.
• If Dad enmeshed with you and used you for his own needs (to take care
of him or his responsibilities in the family), you also may become your
own Higher Power and be unable to believe a Higher Power exists out
side yourself.
• If Dad neglected you, you may believe a Higher Power exists, but you
may not think a Higher Power will help you or restore you to sanity.
• If Dad attacked you, you may believe a Higher Power exists and might
restore you to sanity, but the process will be painful and shaming
because you think of a Higher Power as harsh and punishing.
What To Do Review what you wrote about your history of abuse from your father in part 1
of the workbook. Describe here how your father treated you: abandonment,
enmeshment, ignoring, or attacking. (It is possible to have been treated with
a blend of two or more of these.) Then write about how this has affected the
way you relate to a Higher Power. (In some family systems, the mother has
more power than the father and is seen as the highest power in the family by
the child. If that was the case in your childhood, write about your relationship
to your mother.)
How This Affected My View of the Wfey a Higher Power Would Relate to Me:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 97
Now that you have examined the relationship between your father’s treat
ment of you and your beliefs about the Higher Power, write what you are com
ing to believe is a more accurate picture of the Higher Power as a caring,
healing power both greater than yourself and greater than your parents.
There are many ways to envision a Higher Power who can lovingly restore
you to sanity in a positive, respectful way. For example, one person might envi
sion this power through the Christian tradition as a trinity made up of God the
Creator, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit; while another person might have a
visual image of a bright white light that is feminine in nature. Each person’s
concept of a Higher Power is very personal. We did not provide a specific
example for this because we felt that to do so might limit your own freedom to
express your beliefs about this vital concept.
98 / BREAKING FREE
How I Envision My Higher Power (greater than myself, greater than my parents)
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 99
Times I Have Noticed Myself Being “Perfectly Imperfect” and Had Overwhelming Feelings
Step Three
Purpose of This step is an act of faith that a loving, life-changing Higher Power will be
there for you as you turn your life over to its care. The purpose of these exer
Exercise cises is to help you see more clearly how you live life according to your own
will rather than turning your will and your life over to a Higher Power.
Background The following paragraphs are the background reading assignment for this step.
We are responsible for acting in our own best interest in our lives, making
Reading sure that we are taking care of ourselves without offending other people in that
process. It is our responsibility to make an effort at change. We work at chang
ing regardless of a Higher Power. When we reach the point where we can see
that using our will is not enough to make a change take place, we can use Step
Three. When we are in a state of powerlessness and become aware that we can’t
change any further, we then turn our will over to our Higher Power to assist
us in changing, and we let go of determining how we’re going to change or even
if we’re going to change. This is a “letting-go” step.
I usually say something like, “Okay, Higher Power, Tve done all I can. I
can’t do the changing that I know I need to do. Therefore, I turn myself over
to your will for me. If I change it will be because it is your will. If I don’t
change, I will live in that experience and learn to embrace myself in my perfect
imperfection, which is also your will for me.”
I believe that this step is third in the order of steps because if we truly do
Step One and become aware of our disease, we have a tendency to feel over
whelmed with how “sick” we are. In Step Two, we see that our behavior is self-
defeating to the point of insanity. At this point, Step Three keeps us from being
101
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What To Do Begin to notice yourself struggling to use your own will, make a change by
yourself, solve a problem alone, control the outcome of your life or someone
else’s, but then remember to use Step Three and turn it over to a Higher Power.
Whenever this happens, describe here the issue, the process you went through
to arrive at Step Three, what happened with regard to the situation after you
released it, and how you felt emotionally before and after turning it over.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 103
How I Felt
Before: After:
Fearful and anxious Calm, serene
104 / BREAKING FREE
8. DATE:
Situation (Problem, Change, Etc.):
Sometimes you turn certain issues over to a Higher Power and then you
resume using your own will in the situation, or take it back from the Higher
Power. Write here about any situation you have written about earlier that you
have taken back, each time you take it back. Note the dates to see whether you
are letting progressively more time pass before you take a problem back.
DAM:
What Made Me Be-turn It Over:
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE ! 115
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Step Four
Purpose of Even though your parents are responsible and accountable for what happened
to you in childhood, you are now in charge of your life and your recovery. You
Exercise alone can work to become nonoffensive in your relationships. This step is
designed to help you see how you are being offensive as an adult so that you
can change and heal through working Steps Seven through Twelve.
Step Four is a moral inventory. For the codependent specifically, it is a
look at how you have authentically offended other people. “Authentic offense”
means that by your behavior you have been disrespectful of someone else’s
boundary. For example, screaming at someone because you are angry is an act
of verbal offense. Hugging or touching someone who does not wish to be
touched or without his or her permission is an act of physical offense. Relying
on a child to meet your need for emotional intimacy instead of being there to
meet the child’s need and relying on your spouse or a significant adult for emo
tional intimacy is an act of emotional sexual offense toward that child.
Authentic offense does not include situations in which someone notices
what you look like or what you are thinking, feeling, or doing, and doesn’t like
it. That person may have feelings and thoughts about what he or she has
noticed and tell you that he or she is offended. But your appearance, thinking,
feelings, and behavior are not acts of authentic offense if you have not dis
regarded anyone’s boundaries.
For example, a husband may feel angry and hurt on Father’s Day because
his wife did not contact all the grown children to arrange a family backyard
barbecue for him. He may express his anger and hurt at his wife for her
“neglect.” But she may think that it is not her job to make Father’s Day happen
for her husband-it is the job of his children. So she has not authentically
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offended him by this “neglect.” Therefore, she has not committed an act of
authentic offense even though her husband perceives that her neglect has
caused his anger and pain. He is simply in a codependent state of blaming
other people for what he is thinking and feeling. She uses her internal bound
ary to be present and listen to his thoughts and feelings, noting the impact of
her behavior, having feelings about seeing a loved one in distress, but not
taking responsibility for his distress.
Before you write about your disregard of the boundaries of others, I will
ask you to review the corresponding chapter in Facing Codependence, as well
as your writing in Step One about the condition of each area of your boundary
system. This is because where you have damaged boundaries or none at all,
you are likely to be offensive to others in that same area.
Here are the ground rules for the following exercises:
.2. Limit the time span of your inventory to your adult life-the time
period from age eighteen to the present. The reason for this is that
when you were a child and were committing abusive or offensive acts
toward anyone, you did this because your boundaries weren’t fully
developed and also because no adult caretaker was confronting your
offensive behavior, correcting and guiding you to adjust your thinking,
feelings, and behavior toward being nonoffensive. Or your caregiver(s)
set you up by giving you a responsibility that was over your head and
that you could not handle in a Junctional way because you were a child
and not an adult. In my opinion, these instances do not belong in a Step
Four inventory.
Physical Offenses
Background Chapter 10 of Facing Codependence, and your writing in Step One of this
workbook about the condition of your external-physical boundary.
Reading Anything that violates another person’s right to control how, when, where,
and by whom his or her body is touched is considered to be an authentic act
of physical offense. Here is a review of your physical rights:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 119
1. As an adult, nobody has the right to touch you without your permis
sion. Also, you do not have the right to touch anyone without that per
son’s permission.
2. People to whom you have given permission to touch you may touch you
only in the way in which you want to be touched. Also, if someone
gives you permission to touch him or her, you only may touch the per
son in the way in which that person wants to be touched.
3. It’s your responsibility to take control of how, when, where, and who
touches you. You need to be able to exercise that control with most
people, unless you’re dealing with a major offender. Also, in recovery,
you need to be able to respect the rights of others over how, when,
where, and who touches them. You do not “give” them the right; it is
already the right of everyone. Rather, you learn to recognize it and
respect it.
What To Do Review your relationships with adults (age eighteen and up) in your life,
including those with your spouse or former spouse(s), parents (after you were
eighteen), siblings (after they were eighteen), adult children, co-workers,
friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Use the following space to describe
instances when you have disregarded the physical boundary of any adult.
Now review your relationships with children (age seventeen and under),
including your own children and any other children with whom you have come
into contact (in the classroom, baby-sitting, at the church nursery, at swim
ming lessons, coaching, in scout troops, as guests in your home, and so on. In
the following space, describe instances when you have disregarded the physical
boundary of any child.
Sexual Offenses
Background Chapter 11 of Facing Codependence, and your writing in Step One of this
workbook about the condition of your external-sexual boundary.
Reading Each person has the right to determine with whom, where, when, and how
he or she will be sexual. Any healthy sexual activity you engage in with
another adult is done with that person’s full consent and agreement and does
not violate commitments you have made to another person. (For example, a
commitment to be faithful to a wife or husband would mean that having a sex
ual relationship with another person would fall into the category of authentic
sexual abuse to your permanent partner and possibly to the outside person you
are having sex with and her or his partner.) And where children are concerned,
no adult should ever do anything sexual with a child, no matter what behavior
the child may be doing that may lead an adult to think the child “wants” to be
sexual.
What To Do Review your relationships with adults in your life, and use the following space
to describe instances when you have disregarded the sexual boundary of any
adult.
Now review your relationships with children in your life, and use the fol
lowing space to describe instances when you have disregarded the sexual
boundary of any child.
Emotional Offenses
Background Chapter 12 of Facing Codependence, and your writing in Step One of this
workbook about the condition of your internal-emotional boundary.
Reading You commit an authentic act of emotional abuse whenever you violate
anyone’s internal boundary by manipulating or attempting to control his or her
feelings.
What To Do Review your relationships with adults in your life, and use the following space
to describe instances when you have disregarded the internal-emotional bound
ary of any adult.
Now review your relationships with children in your life, and use the fol
lowing space to describe instances when you have disregarded the internal-
emotional boundary of any child.
STAMX: DATS:
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 141
NAMI: DAU:
WHAI HAPPINID:
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WHAT HAPPISID:
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 143
Intellectual Offenses
Background Chapter 13 of Facing Codependence, and your writing in Step One of this
workbook about the condition of your internal-intellectual boundary.
Reading All people have the right to think what they think. They only need to face
the consequences of their thinking. Yet in your disease of codependence, you
are likely to interfere with the right of other people to have their thinking and
the consequences of it. If you are actively in your disease of codependence and
disregarding people’s internal thinking boundary, you try to reason, argue,
and/or demand that they change their thinking for your own comfort, in a mis
guided attempt to help them avoid the consequences you think they are going
to have by thinking the way they do. Or perhaps your motivation is that their
thinking about YOU is not to your liking and you can’t stand to have people
thinking that way about you.
In recovery, with good internal boundaries, you will be able to have inner
peace even when someone else has the “wrong idea” about you. A useful
phrase I have heard for times like these is “Just because he/she thinks that
doesn’t make it true for me.”
With children, who need your guidance, it is likely that you have authenti
cally offended them by giving your guidance in a shaming, authoritarian way.
What To Do Review your relationships with adults in your life, and use the following chart
to describe instances when you have disregarded the internal-intellectual
boundary of any adult.
Now review your relationships with children in your life, and use the fol
lowing space to describe instances when you have disregarded the internal-
intellectual boundary of any child.
Spiritual Offenses
Background Chapter 14 of Facing Codependence, and your writing in Step One of this
workbook about the condition of your internal-spiritual boundary.
Reading To live a mature life as a recovering adult, you must be able to have a posi
tive relationship to a power that is truly greater than you are.
You engage in authentic spiritual abuse whenever you demand to be some
one else’s Higher Power. This is most often done when you give yourself the
right to determine what someone else will look like, think, feel, or do or not
do.
It is also spiritually abusive to insist that someone else be your Higher
Power. While it is true that the Higher Power can communicate with you
through people, you must be aware that a human being is only a channel, not
the Higher Power. Your understanding of such a Higher Power may be limited
at first, but through working the steps it will mature. Relying on a human being
to be your Higher Power leads only to disappointment, frustration, and
brokenness in the relationship, whether the person is a parent, a spouse, a
sponsor in the program, a minister, a therapist, an author of a helpful book, or
a friend. The Higher Power is not another human being, and putting a human
being in that position in your life is an act of spiritual abuse toward that person.
It is also an act of spiritual offense to give a person the message that there
is something wrong with him or her. There is a healthy and functional way to
express yourself (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) to other people that doesn’t
diminish, demean, belittle, accuse, or shame the other person. You say simply,
“This is what you did [said, or whatever] and this is how I feel about it [hurt,
frightened, angry].” This approach doesn’t analyze, judge, criticize, call
names, or condemn. When you analyze, judge, criticize, or condemn some
one, you are spiritually offending the other person by attacking the feet that he
or she is a precious, fallible human being (who may have the disease of
codependence or not, is not perfect, and is likely to be offensive at times).
If you are a parent, it is necessary and appropriate for you to act as a
Higher Power toward your children for a while. Since the child’s concept of a
Higher Power comes from you, it is your responsibility to model a nurturing,
affirming, and appropriately structuring Higher Power, so that the child’s con
cept of a Higher Power is functional. But when you parent in the way that
humiliates or shames the child inordinately, then you are spiritually offending
that child.
Functional parenting leads a child to a relationship with a Higher Power
that is greater than the child and greater than you are. You do not cover up your
own fallibility in dealing with your child. You admit it and fece it. It is an
authentic act of spiritual offense to offend a child (or anyone) and then refuse
to offer amends and to make restitution. When you are wrong in some way in
the relationship with your child (or anyone), or are imperfect in a way that the
152 / BREAKING FREE
child can observe, you admit it, make amends, and make restitution where
necessary. This can be done without losing your position of authority or the
respect and love of your child. Hiding your imperfections from your child is
an act of authentic spiritual abuse toward that child (unless it involves an area
of your life that is none of the child’s business). The message the child gets
from a “perfect parent” is that when the child grows up, he or she will never
fail either, which is far from reality, or that he or she was not valuable enough
to deserve apologies and amends.
What To Do Review your relationships with adults in your life, and use the following space
to describe instances when you have disregarded the spiritual boundary of any
adult.
Now review your relationships with children in your life, and use the fol
lowing space to describe instances when you have disregarded the spiritual
boundary of any child.
Purpose of Now that you have written as much as you can about the various forms of authen
tic offense and how you have disregarded the boundaries of those with whom
Exercise you are in relationship, Step Five is necessary to keep moving into recovery.
As you approach and while you are doing Step Five, try to keep God as you
understand God in your consciousness-a caring, nonjudgmental power
greater than you, your parents, and the person who is listening to your
admission.
As you tell another person the exact nature of your wrongs, I believe it is
important also to be especially aware yourself of what you are saying. The pro
cess is more like admitting to ourselves and God (whom we are keeping in our
consciousness) while the other person is just there listening. In other words,
doing Step Five is more than quickly reading off your lists of offenses toward
others from your workbook without really hearing yourself.
160
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 161
could measure up because no perfect human beings exist. But here are a few
guidelines. I think it is important for the person hearing your Step Five to be
• someone whom you trust to keep this information confidential
• someone who is the same sex as you, unless you are homosexual
• someone who has done this step himself or herself and is in a Twelve-
Step program for his or her own codependence
• someone who has a sense of a power greater than himself or herself and
greater than the person’s own parents, and whose Higher Power is not
another human being (sponsor, therapist, or whomever)
• someone who is, in your mind, clearly not your Higher Power
“The exact nature of our wrongs” is how we’ve offended other people’s bound
aries. You’ve described the exact nature of your wrongs in the lists you have
written for Step Four about your disregarding the boundaries of adults and
children in your life. You say out loud in the presence of another human being:
“This is what I did to violate someone else’s boundaries.” You may wish to take
this workbook with you and use it as a guideline as you explain exactly what
happened between you and these other people.
As you do this step, talk about what happened, and every time you notice
an emotion, no matter what you are saying at the moment, stop to name the
emotion and allow yourself to experience the feelings. You might simply say,
‘Tm feeling really sad about this” (or whatever the emotion is).
What To Do 1. Choose someone to whom you will tell how you have disregarded other
people’s boundaries. Ask that person to hear your Step Five. If that per
son is not free to do so at this time, choose someone else and ask that
person. When you find someone who can hear your Step Five, write
that person’s name here:
2. Make an appointment with him or her. Write the time and date of the
appointment here:
162 / BREAKING FREE
3. After you have met with this person and told him or her your Step Five,
use the following space to reflect about what it was like. You may
choose to include such things as a general description of what was
said, how you felt before you started, how you felt during the step
itself, and how you felt afterward. If you identified any general patterns
about yourself in this process, note them here.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 163
Purpose of The purposes of Step Six are (1) to identify the defects of character you are now
ready to see, having done Steps Four and Five, and (2) to become willing to
Exercise live without them and learn a more mature way to live.
By doing Steps Four and Five you began to see yourself as having prob
lems. These problems are defects of character that come out of your experi
ences of powerlessness and the unmanageable consequences of the core
symptoms. Codependent character defects are attitudes, feelings, and behav
iors you hang on to that sabotage your happiness and relationships and keep
you from taking responsibility for your own life and recovery. Once you have
recognized these character defects, you can then make a decision that you are
ready to have the Higher Power remove them.
Recognizing how these character defects are sabotaging your life by affect
ing you and also the people in relationship with you is a painful process. It has
been said that recovery is a pain-driven process. Until you get into enough
pain, you are not motivated to do anything about genuine recovery.
Background Following are descriptions of several typical character defects many codepen
dents have, along with a discussion of how each defect sabotages your life
Reading when you try to relate to others using these shortcomings. We have not
attempted to list every possible character defect, nor do we mean to say that
each codependent has them all. Use this selection as a beginning place from
which to draw up your personal list of character defects. Read each descrip
tion, then do the writing exercise for any that apply to you before proceeding
to the next one.
164
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 165
People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is dishonest, can provoke unnecessary arguments, and can
produce resentment toward others. Here’s a brief description of each of these
three sabotaging effects.
DISHONESTY
You give up what you really want and do what someone else wants, because
your doing so pleases that person. You avoid saying what you mean because
you believe saying something else would please that person more. You make
commitments to people for things you do not want to do or cannot do without
a lot of trouble—even things you don’t know how to do, so that you have to go
through a learning process before you can accomplish the thing you have
agreed to do.
You deceive the other person into thinking (1) that you like to do these
things because you commit to do them, (2) that the things you say represent
your true feelings, your true self, and (3) that you do and say these things
because they enhance your own life and make you happy in and of themselves.
How this sabotages your life: The other person cannot relate to the real
person you are, because you have hidden yourself from him or her.
UNNECESSARY ARGUMENTS
When you are people-pleasing, you are embroiled in commitments and activi
ties that do not enhance your life or bring you joy. But you tell yourself you are
willing to do them to please the other person, and that person’s pleasure
enhances your life. The problem with this is, if the person doesn’t exhibit the
pleasure you think he or she should or doesn’t express gratitude for your partic
ipation in the activity, your life is not enhanced and you feel anger, fear, or
pain. The purpose of putting yourself through these undesirable behaviors and
commitments has backfired, and instead of enhancement you feel diminished
by your anger, fear, and/or pain.
In your codependence, you are very likely to hold the other person respon
sible for your diminishment. Since you deceived the other person into thinking
you chose these commitments and behaviors, expressing your anger directly
sounds bizarre to the other person. The other person’s response is something
like, “But I thought you wanted to eat at this restaurant.” “I thought you pre
ferred to go alone to pick up the children at camp.” Your deception causes an
automatic deadlock in the communication.
How this sabotages your life: The other person is deceived, baffled, defen
sive. You have subjected that person to unnecessary arguments and attacks
growing out of your misdirected anger at the person for things he or she has
no awareness of.
166 / BREAKING FREE
RESENTMENT
What To Do Use the following space to describe how people-pleasing operates in your life,
if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does people-pleasing harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
1. How does people-pleasing harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live
without it?
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is that compulsive drive to do things perfectly, leaving no detail
imperfect. Since no one can perform this way all the time in the real world,
perfectionism leads to dishonest cover-ups, and when a cover-up is impossi
ble, unnecessary pain and agony result when your mistakes are revealed. You
also can shut others out of your life with perfectionism. Here’s a brief descrip
tion of how each of these sabotaging processes operates.
DISHONEST COVER-UPS
and get it over with and move on with life and relationships that are more
important than how I did some routine task perfectly or prepared for an infor
mal party in my home as if it were a wedding reception for the governor and
his wife.”
How this sabotages your life: Other people may often feel shut out, afraid
to interrupt you even with a legitimate need or just because they want to spend
time with you. You may often be telling friends, “Not now, Tm busy,” when you
are busy with myriad details of perfecting something that doesn’t matter as
much as healthy relationships matter. Perfectionism can be used as a wall of
protection from relationships in which you are uncomfortable because of the
pain of being in the less-than position.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how perfectionism operates in your life, if
it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does trying to do everything “perfectly” harm you and keep you
from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your perfectionism
and learn to live without it?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your perfectionism and learn to
live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how striving for power operates in your
life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does always having to be right, in control, or having the last word
harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does striving for power affect others adversely and block
intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your power hunger
and learn to live without it?
4. If not, what are you gaining by holding on to your need to “win” in your
relationships?
172 / BREAKING FREE
S. How does striving for power affect others adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your power hunger and learn to live
without it?
Overcommitment
Overcommitment is the result of not being able to say no to others. You
become overwhelmed with outside commitments at work, church, in the com
munity, and helping friends and distant relatives with projects.
How this sabotages your life-. The people in your family, or those with
whom you have significant close relationships, face quite a challenge when
phrasing an everyday request, if they are sensitive and do not wish to over
whelm you. They may keep quiet about their own needs and wants because
they can see how overwhelmed you already are. Also, it is lonely and painful
for others to be shut out of your life while you are whirling around trying to
meet all unnecessary commitments you made because you couldn’t say no.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how overcommitment operates in your life,
if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does overcommitment harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your compulsion to
overcommit and learn to live without it?
X. How does overcommitment harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your compulsion to overcommit
and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how physical or mental illness operates in
your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does your physical or mental condition harm you and keep you
from being in recovery?
2. How does the stress of dealing with it affect others adversely and block
intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove it and learn to live
without it?
1. How does your physical or mental condition harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
8. How does the stress of dealing with it affect others adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove it and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how tolerating sexual abuse and the loss
of personal morality operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a
guideline for writing about it:
1. How does your inability to say no sexually harm you and keep you
from being in recovery?
2. How does your inability to say no affect others adversely and block
intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove the inability to say no
and learn to live without it?
1. How does your inability to gay no sexually harm you and keep TOufrnm twing
in recovery?
8. How does your inability to say no affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove the inability to say no and learn
to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how blaming others for your reality and
taking responsibility for theirs operates in your life, if it does. Use these ques
tions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does blaming others for your reality and taking responsibility for
theirs harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does this misplacing of responsibility for your own and others’
reality affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your blaming others
and taking blame, and learn to live without it?
How Misplacing Responsibility for My Own and Others’ Reality Operates in My Life
1. How does blaming others for your reality and taking responsibility for theirs
harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does this misplacing of responsibility for your own and others’ reality
affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your blaming others and
taking blame, and learn to live without it?
Indecisiveness
With damaged or nonexistent intellectual boundaries, you have a very difficult
time making decisions about the everyday events in your life. Fbr example, an
indecisive codependent might have difficulty deciding where to eat, what
movie to see, or what suit to buy. Or another example might be as follows: A
husband and wife agree on a certain policy about disciplining the children. But
then the wife’s mother comes for a visit and the mother has her own strong
opinions that are different from those of the couple. The codependent wife
changes her thinking and adopts her mother’s opinions, opposing the husband.
This is very painful for the husband.
How this sabotages your life: The person living or working with an indeci
sive codependent is subject to bafflement, frustration, anger, pain, and confu
sion when he or she experiences the codependent’s changing from supporting
the ideas the person presented to opposing them after being influenced by
someone else.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how indecisiveness operates in your life,,
if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does indecisiveness harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your indecisiveness
and learn to live without it?
1. How does indecisiveness harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your indecisiveness and learn
to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how pushing others to be your Higher
Power operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for
writing about it:
1. How does forcing others to make decisions affecting you harm you and
keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does this opting out of taking the responsibility for deciding affect
others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
1. How does forcing others to make decisions affecting you harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?
8. How does this opting out of taking the responsibility for deciding affect others
adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
Lack of Passion
When you are at level B with your thinking or feelings, you cannot express an
opinion or exhibit any feelings, including love and joy as well as the negative
emotions, because you are not in touch with what your thinking or feelings
really are.
How this sabotages your life: You can be perceived as boring in conversa
tion because you never offer an opinion or risk disagreement. If you are at level
B with your feelings and cannot identify them at all, you can be perceived by
the other person as cold, nonaffectionate, impassionate, bland, and unexciting,
which deprives the other person of a warm, intimate relationship.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how being passionless (out of touch with
your true thoughts and feelings) operates in your life, if it does. Use these ques
tions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does your lack of passion harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
2. How does this passionless way of being affect others adversely and
block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
1. How does your lack of passion harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does this passionless way of being affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how expressing feelings explosively oper
ates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about
it:
1. How does this explosiveness harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how controlling the reality of others oper
ates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about
it:
1. How does trying to get others to see things the way you do harm you
and keep you from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
8. How doe
* thia not tolerating difference
* of opinion without being threatened affect
*
other adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how lying, dishonesty, or untrustworthi
ness operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writ
ing about it:
1. How does telling “white” (or regular) lies harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
1. How doe
* telling ‘‘white” (or regular) Ues harm you and keep you fmm being"
in recovery?
8. How does lying or untrustworthiness affect others adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
Helplessness
(Overwhelming Others
with Your Needs and Wants)
If you are in the position of being too needy and dependent, you place a huge
and inappropriate burden on other people in your life to meet your needs, a
responsibility that does not legitimately belong to others.
How this sabotages your life: This may create one or more of several
difficulties for other people. They may experience inadequacy and guilt at not
being able to meet your needs. They may need to back off and escape such a
huge responsibility, which means they cannot be in an intimate relationship
with you because of the need to keep distance for protection. They may experi
ence pain when you react with resentment because they are not meeting all
your needs.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how helplessness operates in your life, if
it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does being helpless harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
1. How does being helpless harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does your helplessness affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how being either antidependent or need
less and wantless operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a
guideline for writing about it:
1. How does the Til do it myself” or the Tm OK, I don’t need anything
or anybody” stance harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does your shutting others out affect others adversely and block
intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
8. How does your shutting others out affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how inappropriate social behavior oper
ates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about
it:
1. How does not knowing or being unwilling to find out what is appropri
ate, or not being willing to do it, harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
8. How doe
* aocial ignorance or failure to do your part affect other
* adversely and
block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove thia defect and learn to live without it?
Irresponsibility
You are irresponsible if you are not doing your share of day-to-day chores at
home. You may not know how to establish and maintain appropriate living
space.
How this sabotages your life: The people with whom you share a home
then may have the full responsibility of making the home, or they must live in
a substandard (dirty, underfurnished, dangerous) environment. This can be
especially painful and harmful to your children, who depend on you to provide
them with and teach them how to care for appropriate, clean, safe housing.
(We are not talking about poverty-stricken parents with no income. We are dis
cussing the fact that many people who live in dirty, substandard places could
keep these places clean and repaired.)
What To Do Use the following space to describe how irresponsibility operates in your life,
if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
S. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how an inadequate and unfulfilling sex life
affects you, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does not dealing with your sexual problems harm you and keep
you from being in recovery?
2. How does not facing your sexual issues affect others adversely and
block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your ignorance or fear
of getting help and learn to live without it?
1. How does not dealing with your sexual problems harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
8. How does not facing your sexual issues affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your ignorance or fear of getting help
and learn to live without it?
Financial Problems
You may not be aware of how to deal with money appropriately. You may over
spend or refuse to spend enough to have the basic necessities for living plus
enjoying meeting some wants.
How this sabotages your life'. Not addressing financial responsibility sub
jects the people around you to either fear of going bankrupt because of your
overspending or, at the other extreme, fear of your anger if they buy even the
necessities for living.
What To Do Use the following space to describe the financial problems in your life, if there
are any. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about them:
1. How do financial worries or careless spending harm you and keep you
from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this fear or financial
irresponsibility and learn to live without it?
1. How do financial worries or careless spending harm you and keep you from being
in recovery? 8
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this fear or financial Irresponsibility
and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how extreme problem solving operates in
your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does extreme problem solving harm you and keep you from being
in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
1. How doea extreme problem aolving harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
Lack of Intimacy
Intimacy requires sharing your thinking and feelings, but as we have seen, as
a codependent you may act on extreme thinking and feelings without sharing
them.
How this sabotages your life: The person in relationship with you is
deprived of giving or receiving intimacy with you, and also deprived of any
chance of developing an intimate relationship with you.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how lack of intimacy operates in your life,
if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does not sharing or not listening without judging harm you and
keep you from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove these blocks to
intimacy and learn to live without them?
1. How does not sharing or not listening without judging harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove these blocks to intimacy and learn
to live without them?
Scorekeeping
Scorekeeping involves observing and storing in your memory hurtful or
imperfect things that other people have done. Then, when you are confronted
for doing similar things, you can shift the focus off of your own imperfection
onto theirs by reciting your scorecard about them or by pointing your finger
and saying, “Well, you did it too—last Saturday at the supermarket!” The threat
of such finger pointing blocks communication.
How this sabotages your life: The other person in such a relationship is
prevented from sharing his or her thoughts and feelings about you with you.
The feet that the person is also imperfect has little to do with the feet that your
imperfection is the focus of his or her discomfort. It often happens very
quickly in such a relationship that both parties cease any sort of personal shar
ing that could conceivably make them vulnerable to attack or counterattack.
This process sabotages intimacy.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how scorekeeping operates in your life, if
it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does keeping score harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
2. How does keeping score affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove scorekeeping and
learn to live without it?
8. How does keeping score affect others adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove scorekeeping and learn to live
without it?
Jealousy
I believe jealousy is a combination of shame and anger. When you are suffering
from feeling less than others, you are subject to jealousy, believing that other
people (who seem to be better than you are) are more interesting and attractive
to your significant other. This green-eyed monster may well attack you without
provocation, destroying your serenity and ability to give and receive intimacy.
How this sabotages your life: The other person is put through the experi
ence of having to reassure you over and over again and may even go so far as
to be extra careful not to do anything to trigger your jealousy. But the person
is doomed to failure and experiences helplessness and hopelessness about the
relationship every time you experience and express your jealousy.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how jealousy operates in your life, if it
does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does jealousy harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
2. How does being jealous affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove jealousy and learn to
live without it?
1. How does jealousy harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
8. How does being jealous affect others adversely and block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove jealousy and learn to live without it?
Self-Centeredness
This character defect results from being so involved with your own problems,
inadequacies, unmet expectations, overwhelming feelings, and other conse
quences of codependence that you are unwilling or unable to notice the impact
of your behavior on other people.
How this sabotages your life: Other people often have the painful realiza
tion that while they can “be present” for you and support you through your mis
eries, you are unable to “be present” for them. After enough experiences of
being let down by your inability to notice your impact on them, healthy people
must turn to someone else who can “be there” for them.
What To Do Use the following space to describe how self-centeredness operates in your
life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does self-centered preoccupation harm you and keep you from
being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove your self-centeredness
and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how insisting people have your value sys
tem operates in your life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writ
ing about it:
1. How does insisting that others have your value system harm you and
keep you from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to describe how arguing about facts operates in your
life, if it does. Use these questions as a guideline for writing about it:
1. How does arguing about facts harm you and keep you from being in
recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn
to live without it?
8. How doe
* *
arguing about fact in a disagreement affect other
* adversely and
block intimacy?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove this defect and learn to live without it?
What To Do Use the following space to name any other character defects you have recog
nized during this step that have not yet been listed. Feel free to use your own
wording in naming these defects. After giving each defect a name, answer the
following questions about it:
1, How does it harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
3. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove it and learn to live
without it?
8. How doe
* it affect others adversely and block intimacy?
S. Are you ready to have the Higher Power remove it and learn to live without it?
Purpose of The purpose of Step Seven is to acknowledge that you have come to the place
where you are ready to stop doing the things that your character defects list has
Exercise shown that you do that interfere with your relationships to yourself, others, and
a Higher Power and keep you from being in recovery and responsible for your
own life. It is a maturing process.
Background Read the following paragraphs before doing the writing exercise for this step.
Steps One, Four, Five, and Six have given you the data you need for this
Reading step. You have discovered how specific character defects such as people
pleasing, jealousy, demanding perfection from yourself or another person,
overcontrolling someone else’s reality, lying, and so forth are affecting your life
and the lives of others.
• Step Four had you look at how you have affected others by disrespecting
their boundaries and authentically offending them.
• Step Five had you acknowledge how you have harmed others.
• Step Six had you look more closely at how you affect others through
character defects.
• Step Seven recognizes that you are ready to release your character
defects and learn a new way to live.
I don’t believe you can do Step Seven until you have finally gotten in
enough pain from the knowledge of how your character defects affect other
people. Many people can do Steps Four, Five, and Six and know all their
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character defects, but not want to surrender them. I believe that it is only out
of your own pain that you become ready to surrender.
In one sense, Step Seven is like Step Three, except that now you have more
specific data. In Step Six you acknowledged the impact of your illness on oth
ers and yourself. This knowledge causes you pain, and it is this pain that brings
you to the point where it isn’t worth it to you any longer to stay the same. And
so now you truly want to release those shortcomings.
Unlike Step Five, Step Seven can be done alone. It is an experience
between you and your Higher Power. In your mind you talk to your Higher
Power, saying something like this: “Okay, Higher Power, I have allowed myself
to know about this character defect to the point where I am in pain about it. I
am aware of how (1) it has adversely affected other people and (2) it is
adversely affecting me. I can’t stand the pain and I want to stop this behavior
[or character defect]. Would you please remove it from me because I can’t.”
The main point of this step is to surrender and let go of the shortcoming.
You are now willing to learn to live without it. You have done all you can do
to eliminate it and now you are asking your Higher Power to take it.
Until it goes away, you can begin to change what you are able to about the
defect, but you must be willing to learn to live with the character defect in your
life, knowing you have surrendered it, and love yourself anyway, until it is
removed.
What To Do In the column on the left, name a shortcoming from your writing in Step Six.
In the column on the right, describe a healthy substitute for it.
Purpose of The purpose of this step is to turn your focus from what has been done to you
and toward what you have done to others.
Exercise
Background Review what you have written in this workbook for Steps Four and Six. Note
who is involved. In Step Four, note those people whose boundaries you have
Reading disregarded. In Step Six, note those people who have suffered from your
character defects, even though you may not have disregarded their boundaries.
What To Do First, list the names of people you have harmed, mentioned in Steps Four and
Six, as well as any others you can think of at this time. Describe the specific
incident(s) as completely as you can. Describe your part in the harm but do not
describe anything the other person did to you, whether before or after your
harmful behavior. The point of this step is to look at your own harmful
behavior without justification, defenses, or excuses. Give the approximate date
(year only or year and month) of the incident(s). Leave the last space labeled
“What I would do to make amends” blank for the moment.
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 229
The second half of Step Eight is to become willing to make amends to each
person. Even though you may not be willing to make amends at this point, go
back to your list and write some ideas about how you might approach the per
son if you were willing to make amends.
NAME: Joseph
WHAI I WOULD DO IO MAKE AMENDS: I would write Joseph
a letter since he lives in another state and tell him I was
wrong to lie to him and then not own up to it when he con
fronted me. I would admit fully that I had lied on purpose to
avoid a confrontation with him and that I feel shame and pain
about not being honest with him.
Step Nine
Purpose of The purpose of Step Nine is for you to repair the damage you did in the past,
so that you can grow toward increasing maturity. It is an exercise in how to be
Exercise appropriately accountable for the part of your “perfect imperfection” that has
caused harm to others.
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 241
It is entirely possible that the person you make amends to cannot forgive
you or is not willing to restore the relationship between you for reasons of his
or her own. If this is true, you can still achieve your goals: practicing appropri
ate accountability toward others, gaining forgiveness from yourself and your
Higher Power, and growing toward increasing maturity. Other people do not
have the power to stop you from completing this step.
However, in cases in which making direct amends is impossible because
it would harm the person or another person, or because the person has died,
indirect amends can still be carried out. When people amend the constitution
of an organization, they change it so it is improved. When you make indirect
amends, you change your thinking, your attitudes, your judgments about peo
ple so that they are improved and more mature. You are now nonoffensive in
the areas in which you were offensive before. You stop causing them to suffer
for your shortcomings as you did before, or if you do cause them to suffer, you
find ways to make restitution other than direct amends.
An example of a case in which making direct amends would harm the per
son or another person is when someone has an affair with a married person.
Let’s say a man has an affair with a married woman (although, of course, we
could as easily imagine a woman having an affair with a married man).
This man is now doing Steps Eight and Nine, so he lists the woman he had
the affair with and her husband. He knows that the woman ended the affair and
continued her marriage, choosing not to tell her husband about the affair. The
marriage is going well. If the offending man were to go to the husband to make
amends for having had an affair with his wife, both the husband and the wife
would be harmed. Making indirect amends is more appropriate.
Depending on his present attitudes, thinking, feelings, or behaviors, here
are some options the offending man can choose. If he has had an attitude of
“Well, she wanted it as much as I did, so I’m not responsible. It was just one
of those things,” he can amend his attitude and be willing to feel the pain,
shame, and guilt associated with this externaland internal boundary violation.
He can grieve for it, offer it to the Higher Power, and share the feelings with
a safe, trusted third party. This experiencing the emotional consequences of his
behavior can give him the wisdom, humility, and accountability to help him
avoid similar boundary violations in the future.
If he has continued to try to contact the woman, ignoring her protests, he
can amend his behavior and leave her alone. If he entered the affair because of
thinking all women are merely sexual targets and this one was “an easy lay,” he
can amend his thinking and stop believing he is superior to women, or to that
woman in particular, and can acknowledge that this woman and other women
have value equal to him, requiring respect.
These are just a few examples of how this man could make indirect
amends for his affair without going to the woman or her husband directly. He,
himself, would gain recovery by becoming amended-changed and different.
Therefore, it is important to consider making indirect amends if direct
amends would injure the person or others.
Another part of this step involves offering restitution in addition to amends
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whenever your harmful action has taken something of value away from some
one. To make restitution means you repay the person in like kind (or as close
as possible) for whatever has been lost.
You may have failed to repay a loan; you may have lost, destroyed, or dam
aged someone’s property by physical violence or carelessness; you may have
caused someone to spend time righting the wrong you did; you may have made
it necessary for someone to spend extra time doing something that could have
been done faster except for your interference; you may have promised to help
someone do something, then failed to do so, leaving the person to do the task
alone. To make restitution you would arrange a schedule to repay money and
then make each payment on time; repair or replace damaged property; or offer
your time to help out with something such as free baby-sitting, lawn mowing,
running errands, or something else the person needs to have done.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 243
What To Do List in the following space the people you named in Step Eight, and decide
whether direct amends would injure them or not.
List in the following space people you named in Step Eight who have died.
Now go ahead and make direct amends to those people who would not be
harmed. As you make amends, list in the following space the name, date, and
what action you took to make amends and/or restitution to each person. Note
also any feelings you had as you made amends.
S. NAME: DAZE:
HOW I MADE AMENDS:
6. NAME: DATE:
HOW I MADE AMENDS:
0. NAME: DATE:
HOW I MADE AMENDS:
To complete this step, make indirect amends to those people who would
be injured by a direct acknowledgment of what happened or who have died. As
you make indirect amends, describe in the following space what you did and
how you are now amended in attitude, judgment, thinking, feelings, or
behavior.
Purpose of The purpose of the exercise for Step Ten is to give you a way to keep track of
how your codependence is still operating and how it continues to harm others
Exercise or you.
Breaking free from denial about your recovery is just as important to your
progress as breaking free from denial about being a codependent. Many
codependents share the common trait of being unaware of progress they are
making toward living in recovery rather than in codependence. This is a key
step toward developing a life-style of recovery. Not only is it helpful to keep
track of when you are wrong so you can promptly admit it, but it is also
gratifying to see how you are changing in a functional direction as you respond
to certain situations. The continual personal inventory this step calls for should
include what went well along with what still needs improvement.
You may choose to do a nightly review of each day or a weekly review of
the past week. Going longer than a week between reviews is not recommended.
If you have a particularly difficult day you may wish to do a review of the
day that very night. If you find your life flowing better, you might wait to do
the review until the end of the week. However, doing a nightly review of each
day for the first few months even if your life is flowing well can give you valu
able information about your progress in recovery. It is not necessary to wait
until you have a painful encounter with someone to do this review, although it
certainly helps to do such a review at those times.
You have already written your own guidelines for what to review about
your life in Steps One, Four, Six, and Eight in this workbook, so you can begin
to keep track of what is going on currently in these areas as you progress
toward recovery. Space is provided for you to review each of these steps in your
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inventory. (When you have filled the space in this workbook for each step, con
tinue to write in a separate notebook.)
Background Read your description of yourself—your powerlessness over the five core
symptoms and your experience of their unmanageable consequences-as writ
Reading ten in Step One of this workbook.
What To Do Reflect on the past day or week to discover whether you have experienced
powerlessness over the core symptoms or the unmanageable consequences that
you wrote about in Step One. Use the space following to describe what you
discover.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 265
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 267
5. DATS:
COM SYMPTOM OB TOMAHAG1ABM OOM8BQUBHCB:
WHAT HAPPBHBD:
6. DATS:
OOM SYMPTOM OB HWMAHAGBABLB C0H8BQVBM0B:
WHAT HAPPBBBD:
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Background Read your description of yourself and how you have disregarded the bound
aries of others, as written in Step Four of this workbook.
Reading
What To Do Reflect on the past day or week to discover whether you have been authenti
cally offensive toward someone mentioned in Step Four, or someone not men
tioned. Use the following space to describe any such offenses. (In Step Ten,
you will probably be increasingly able to notice your offense sooner and make
direct amends by acknowledging the offense to the person offended, if it would
not harm him or her, and committing not to do it again.)
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 269
Background Read your description of the specific character defects you discovered, as writ
ten in Step Six of this workbook. Remember, codependent character defects
Reading are attitudes, feelings, and behaviors that you hang on to that keep you from
taking responsibility for your own life and recovery.
What To Do Reflect on the past day or week to discover whether any character defects have
been operating to keep you from taking responsibility for your own life and
recovery. Use the following space to describe what happened. Also, write
about any new character defect you have discovered since the last time you
reviewed this aspect of your life.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 273
Background Read your list of people you harmed, as written in Step Eight of this work
book.
Reading
What To Do Reflect on the past day or week to discover whether any other incidents have
occurred in which you have harmed (either in the same way or in a new way)
any of the people you listed in Step Eight. If you discover any, promptly admit
it to the person, if it would not harm him or her, and make restitution. Use the
following space to describe any incidents that have occurred since the last time
you reviewed this aspect of your life.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 277
8. NAMI:
WHAT HAPPINID:
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 279
Step Eleven
Purpose of The main purpose of this step is for you to experience connectedness to your
Higher Power. The purpose of the writing exercise for this step is to help you
Exercise sharpen your spiritual awareness by acknowledging if and how that awareness
is growing and developing. Once you have felt and written about your experi
ence, you can read your writing later when you are in a time when it is hard
to feel connected to your Higher Power.
Background The following paragraphs are about my own experience with this step. I share
my experience here as an example of one person’s journey with the hope that
Reading it may inspire your own search for a Higher Power. The step suggests that the
two key ingredients of prayer and meditation are a common starting place for
each of us.
PRAYER
In prayer, I do only one thing: ask for my Higher Power’s will in my life.
Essentially I ask my Higher Power to help me and be with me as I go through
my day. At the beginning of my day I make a statement to myself that Tm will
ing to have my Higher Power’s will in my life today and I’m willing to do my
Higher Power’s will as I am aware of it. I say a prayer, asking my Higher Power
for its will for me and for the power to carry it out.
I connect with my Higher Power through meditation over my perfect
imperfection. I also think about the positive things that I have been given or
that have happened for which I am grateful. An attitude of gratefulness has
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 281
been very important in breaking my denial about the positive things that have
happened in my recovery and breaking my habit of dwelling on the negative
aspects of my surroundings. I also connect with my Higher Power as I ask for
its will in my life and start noticing the Higher Power’s will and then doing it.
My Step Eleven work with myself is a spiritual step because it does connect me
to my Higher Power through meditation (embracing my perfect imperfection)
and through prayer (asking for my Higher Power’s will).
MEDITATION
What To Do Once a week or every month or so, use the following space to write about your
experiences with your Higher Power. Describe the times when you experience
joy-filled pain or pain-filled joy, and the issue of perfect imperfection you are
aware of when this happens.
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8. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 283
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 285
7. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
8. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
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Describe the times you have been aware of the Higher Power’s will in your
life and how you were able to do it.
8. DATS:
WHAT HAPPENED:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE / 287
3. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
4. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
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S. DATE:
WHAT HAPPEWED:
6. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 289
7. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
8. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
Step Twelve
Purpose of This step is a step of physical actions as well as mental, emotional, and spiri
tual ones. The purpose of the writing exercise is to help you recognize
Exercise instances in which you carry the message or practice the principles of this pro
gram in some part of your life. Such recognition helps you break free from
denial about your recovery in this area.
Background Before beginning to carry out this step, read the following paragraphs.
Reading
CARRYING THE MESSAGE OF CODEPENDENCE
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 291
fection, is part of carrying the message. Being willing to chair a meeting after
you’ve attended enough meetings to qualify (according to whatever the guide
lines are in your particular group) and taking part in other tasks that are neces
sary to keep a meeting going, such as setting up the room, cleaning up after a
meeting, serving as group representative, treasurer, or other positions where
service is needed-all these are part of carrying the message.
Practicing these principles in all your affairs means you try to stay aware that
you are a codependent and you are perfectly imperfect. This is a chronic condi
tion that can return at any moment. You’re only in remission from codepen
dence when you are practicing recovery.
To practice these principles in all your affairs, you also must stay aware of
the preceding eleven steps and how they specifically relate to this disease. Keep
practicing all eleven steps in your daily living as appropriate. By doing these
steps, your spirituality will develop.
What To Do Use the following space to describe instances when you have carried the mes
sage by sharing how codependence operates for you.
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8. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 293
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BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 295
From time to time a situation will occur to which you respond in ways that
evidence your recovery. Later you realize, “Hey, I was different that time. A
year ago I would have had a much more codependent reaction to that!” Use the
following space to write about such instances.
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Evidence of My Recovery
1. SITUATIOW:
MT MSPOW8T:
8. SITUAHOK:
MT MSPOHSI:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 297
3. SITUATION:
MY BXSPONSX:
4. SITUATION:
MY RESPONSE:
Part 3
Beyond Denial
About Your
Recovery
Introduction
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Purpose of These exercises are to help you develop a sense of self-esteem neither lower
nor higher than anyone else.
Exercises
Background (1) Review pages 7-10 of Facing Codependence, about impaired self-esteem.
(2) Review pages 77-80 of Facing Codependence, about a child’s value in a
Reading dysfunctional family. (3) Review your own writing on Step One in this work
book about how you experience impaired self-esteem. (4) Read the following
paragraphs.
As codependents, we experience either low or nonexistent self-esteem, or
arrogance and grandiosity. As recovery begins, we have the sense of moving
from whichever inappropriate level of esteem we experience toward the mid
dle. At first this often feels like we’re getting worse.
When moving from low self-esteem to healthy self-esteem, you may fear
you’re actually getting arrogant. When moving from arrogance and grandiosity
to a more appropriate level of self-esteem, you may think you are losing power
and getting worse by becoming weak and hopeless. At this point, you need to
remind yourself that this movement is normal for recovery. You are making
progress when you feel your level of self-worth either rising or dropping as you
move toward healthy self-esteem. In fact, in the process of adjusting to what
it feels like not to overvalue yourself, falsely empower yourself, and therefore
offend other people, you will probably feel some pain. This pain is not the
same as true low self-esteem, however, and you are probably not moving too
for down the scale.
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Following are exercises for each extreme of this core symptom: low or
nonexistent self-esteem, and arrogance and grandiosity. Work on the section
that best fits your experience of this symptom. Some people may need to work
on both, since they swing back and forth.
What To Do This exercise has four parts. Read the explanations, then do the writing for
each part. Remember, this is a process that takes time. Take as long as you
need for each part.
Building self-esteem from the low or nonexistent position begins with making
a decision to value yourself and not consider yourself as being less valuable
than anyone else. This decision expresses this truth: just as you are, you are
enough. Just because you were born, you are precious. Your preciousness, or
worth, is not up for debate. You were bom an amazing creature filled with
wonder and spiritual value. There is no question about whether you are or
aren’t of value in this sense. You are of equal value to everyone else.
As you’ve discovered earlier in this workbook, being out of touch with
your own worth is due to the feet that when you were a child, important
caregivers in your life did not esteem you in an appropriate way. In neglecting
to do that, they were abusive whether they intended to be or not. It’s not their
“fault”; it’s just a circumstance of your life.
But now as a mature adult, in recovery from the results of that abuse, you
can make the decision to honor yourself and treat yourself as though you are
precious. This is your absolute right and privilege as a human being.
When you make this decision to value yourself, you almost invariably start
honoring other people as well. As you esteem yourself, you esteem other peo
ple. And this change can do wonderful things for your relationships.
Your self-esteem allows you to esteem others and to love the members of
your family. And as you love you and that very abused, precious little child
inside you, and quit punishing yourself with carried guilt and shame, you are
more sensitive to your own children’s being valuable, vulnerable, imperfect,
needy and wanting, and immature. You are more able to respect those charac
teristics and stop trying to make them perfect. As a result, you can feel some
worth without their having to be perfect children.
One way to affirm yourself is by learning to accept compliments from oth
ers. When you are experiencing low self-esteem, you probably have a painful
reaction when told that you are wonderful. You probably avoid eye contact,
turn red, can’t talk, and can’t accept what was said. At times you may cry
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 305
because it hurts to take the compliment in. These behaviors indicate that you
are having a shame attack, an inner sense of worthlessness, and you can’t
understand why anyone would say that you are wonderful.
Write in the following space in your own words a statement about your
worth.
lam____________________________ I am_____________________________
I am____________________________ I am_____________________________
INTRODUCTORY SENTENCE:
DATE RECORDED:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 309
After you’ve made your own tape, play it to yourself twice a day: in the morn
ing when you get up and at night when you go to bed. This may seem too
mechanical, but you may be amazed at the change in your feelings about your
self if you listen to the tape twice a day for a month.
As you begin to practice this exercise, more and more negative messages
will usually become conscious. Now that the first list is out in the open, deeper
shame messages or different ones or more adult ones may come up. These
should also be written down with their refuting affirmations, and the new
affirmations added to the tape. Eventually this deep hidden reservoir of shame
messages will be drained and you will stop getting new ones. (The quantity of
shame messages that comes up and the length of time it takes before you stop
getting new ones indicate how deep your experiences of abuse are.)
I think our self-esteem and the way we think about ourselves has to do
with our spirituality. So if you’re in a Twelve-Step program using a daily
affirmation book, I suggest that you read the book in the same period of time
you listen to your tape. A book that has very positive material for codependents
is Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Rokelle Lerner. Or
you can use one of the other daily books that are recommended in various
Twelve-Step programs. Read the book before you listen to the tape, listen to the
tape, and then put them away.
Incorporating this affirmation tape with things you do to develop your
spiritual life makes the exercise a lot easier, and the self-esteem seems to come
faster.
Make a note of the dates you play your tape to yourself.
DATES PLAYED:
What To Do This exercise has two parts. Read the explanation, then do the writing for each
part. Remember, this is a process that takes time. Ihke as long as you need for
each part.
The first step in recovering from the extreme of arrogance and grandiosity is
understanding and accepting that arrogance and grandiosity are dysfunctional
and abusive to other people. In recovery it is helpful to begin by making a deci
sion to esteem others as equal to yourself.
Write in the following space in your own words a statement about your
worth.
Many times, when you stop judging yourself to be superior, you move to
feelings of being less than others. If this happens to you, work on the previous
exercises regarding how to counteract the shame messages you now experience.
Tracking Progress
As you make progress with this symptom, you will notice how you are more
able to experience your own worth from within, putting yourself neither less
than nor better than others, regaining the mature adult characteristics
described in chapter 4 of Facing Codependence. Improvement means that as
you encounter others, you look at yourself as of equal value to them or you
look at them as of equal value to you.
What To Do Describe in the following space incidents in which you notice an improvement:
Become aware of feelings you may experience, such as pain or fear, and note
them also.
314 / BREAKING FREE
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 315
Setting External Boundaries
Purpose of You did the first exercise toward establishing your boundaries when you evalu
ated the condition of each part of your boundary system in your written Step
Exercises One. Now you can begin to correct the dysfunctional aspects of your bound
aries by doing the following exercises.
Background (1) Review pages 11-21 of Facing Codependence, about boundary impairment
and healthy boundaries. (2) Review pages 80-82 of Facing Codependence,
Reading about a child’s vulnerability in a dysfunctional family. (3) Review your own
writing in Step One in this workbook about the condition of your external
boundaries. (4) Read the following material.
Boundary recovery begins when you acknowledge and accept these three
statements:
1. Nobody has the right to touch you (an adult) without your permission.
Also, nobody has the right to be sexual with you without your per
mission.
2. People who have your permission to touch you may touch you only in
the way in which you want to be touched. Also, people with whom you
have agreed to be sexual may only be sexual with you in the ways you
agree to.
316
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 317
3. It’s your responsibility to take control over how, when, where, and who
touches you, and with whom, when, and how you will be sexual.
You are in recovery when you exercise those controls with most people, except
a major offender.
The amount of distance you need from another person can be different on
various occasions with the same person. For instance, if my husband Pat and
I are getting along and I feel good about our relationship, he can stand close
to me and Tm very comfortable. If, however, he’s angry with me or Fm angry
with him, we don’t stand so close. If we’re extremely angry, we may actually
stand eighteen feet away from each other in the living room to talk.
Also, the distance you need varies from person to person. You can allow
people who feel “safe” to get closer to you. You require more distance from
other people who feel more threatening for whatever reason. As you develop
boundaries, you will be able to back away from such people and negotiate the
distance between you, not letting them stand too close to you any longer.
What To Do Ask two or three safe people (such as members of your Codependents Anony
mous group, a sponsor, a spouse) to try the physical boundary test with you.
1. Ask each person for permission to walk toward him or her until you
feel the energy resistance of your own boundary.
3^j__BREAKIN£_£5^---------------
3. Try to look him or her in the eye at that distance. If you need to adjust
in order to make eye contact, do so and note the new distance.
1. NAME Or PERSON:
Other comments:
8. NAME OF PERSON:
Other comments:
3. NAME OP PERSON:
Other comments:
320 / BREAKING FREE
Set your physical external boundary by memorizing and saying this statement
to yourself:
I have the right to determine who touches me, when, where, and how that person
touches me, and how close to me I allow a person to stand, and vice versa.
With this statement, you claim ownership of your body and acknowledge that
nobody has the right to stand too close to you or touch you without your per
mission. On the other hand, as you give yourself the right to have a self-
determined boundary, you also give other people the right to determine how
close you can get and whether you can touch them. Each of us has the right to
negotiate that space or distance.
For example, if you’re uncomfortable because somebody is standing too
close, you might say to the person, “You’re standing too close. Would you
please move back?” Perhaps someone you don’t know walks up and puts his
arm around you. His action is not sexual, but he is just too close physically for
your comfort. You have the right to turn and say graciously, “I don’t know you
well enough for you to put your arm around me, and Pm uncomfortable. Would
you please take your arm down and step back?” You can’t stop him from touch
ing you if you don’t see him coming. But you can set your boundary as soon
as you feel uncomfortable.
I do this for myself with strangers, with friends, with my husband, and
with my kids. And I allow them to do this with me, too.
It’s imperative for legitimate peace and security to be able to set bound
aries. Yet people who have been physically abused often have a lot of difficulty
asking others to move or saying no to anyone who gets too close to them for
comfort. They think they are being rude or that they don’t have the right to tell
someone not to touch them. But this fear and reticence is part of the disease
of codependence. Every adult has the right to determine what is done to his or
her own body. Everyone has the right and the duty to set boundaries when
relating to other people.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 321
Just as you did for your physical boundary, visualize your sexual boundary as
an inverted jar. Then set your sexual boundary by memorizing and saying this
statement to yourself:
I have the right to determine with whom, where, when, and how I will be sexual,
and vice versa.
That means that nobody has the right to tell you that you have to be sexual with
him or her, nor tell you how, when, or where you will be sexual. You alone deter
mine that. You need only face the consequences of your choices. On the other
hand, as you determine that boundary for yourself, you also give any other per
son you might relate to sexually the right to make that determination for him
self or herself. So if you’re trying to negotiate being sexual with your spouse,
who says, “No, thank you,” that’s the end of it. He or she has the right to tell
you, “No, I don’t want to be sexual with you now.” Or he or she might need to
say, “Yes, I want to be sexual, but I don’t want to do it that way.” This boundary
allows you to be sexually protected and also to act appropriately with others.
Your sexual boundary determines not only whether or not you will be sex
ual, but also in what way you will be sexual. For example, Irene might want
to be sexual with her husband Jim, but not in a particular way that Jim wants
to (for example, her breasts hurt and she doesn’t want him to touch them). So
how does she set her boundary to exclude a specific kind of sexual behavior
with which she is not comfortable, without excluding all sexual behavior with
her husband?
First, she says, “Til be sexual with you but my breasts are sore tonight, so
please be careful about touching them.” She has her imaginary jar (sexual bound
ary) pulled in close as if glued to her to allow Jim close to her body, but when
the boundary comes to her breasts she imagines the boundary bubbling out there.
What To Do Use the following to write about instances when you have noticed that someone
has crossed your physical or sexual boundary. Describe the situation and what
you did and/or said (if anything) to protect yourself.
EXAMPLE I was standing in line at the grocery store when I felt the hair
on the back of my neck stand up. I turned and realized the
woman behind me was only Inches from me. She had her back
to me and was scanning the magazine rack. I couldn’t move
forward because I’d bump my grocery cart into the person
ahead of me in line. So I said to her, "Excuse me, but I’m
uncomfortable with you standing so close. Could you move
back, please?” I gave her a great big smile. She was glad to
move back and did. I never knew how much having people too
close bothered me or that I could do anything about it before!
322 / BREAKING FREE
Use the following space to record instances when you have realized or
been told you were invading someone else’s physical or sexual boundary. Name
the person and describe the situation and what the other person did or said to
let you know, and also your response.
Tracking Improvement
As you recover regarding this symptom, you will notice that you are better able
to negotiate distance and touch with others, physically and sexually. You may
feel less vulnerable (able to say no), less antidependent (able to ask for physi
cal or sexual nurturing), or less needless/wantless (more able to recognize that
you need physical space, physical affection, more sex, less sex, or different
kinds of sexual behaviors), and more able to express your feelings about your
needs and wants.
What To Do Describe in the following space any incidents that seem like examples of recov
ery regarding setting external boundaries.
326 / BREAKING FREE
DAIS:
WHAI HAPPBWSD:
DAIS:
WHAI HAWZHSD:
Setting Internal Boundaries
You need an internal boundary so you can detach enough to accurately hear
what another person tells you about who he or she is, and so you can separate
that person’s feelings and thoughts from your own. With a good internal bound
ary, you can be in a relationship without projecting your own skewed interpre
tations onto the other person or allowing that person’s fear or pain, for
instance, to become your own and overwhelm you. And an intact internal
boundary is especially helpful and necessary when someone is confronting
you.
With a healthy internal boundary, you can truly detach from other people
while staying in caring relationships. You can begin to choose your own
behavior, thinking, and feeling reality rather than making strong automatic
responses that baffle you. Therefore, learning to set an internal boundary is a
very big part of recovery from codependence. Learning to set a healthy inter
nal boundary usually takes more time, practice, and patience than setting an
external boundary because it’s not something you can touch or feel.
Purpose of These exercises are to help you learn to recognize when someone has authenti
cally transgressed your internal boundary, and when you have transgressed
Exercises someone else’s internal boundary, and to help you develop your own healthy
internal boundary system.
Background Before doing the following exercises, read (1) your own writing in Step One of
this workbook about your internal boundaries and (2) the following paragraphs.
Reading When your codependence is operating, you blame other people for your
thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and blame yourself for other people’s
thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You have the idea that other people make you
think, feel, or do things, or push your buttons.
“If you just wouldn’t look at her that way I wouldn’t feel jealous!” “If you’d
just come home at night when I want you to, I wouldn’t be so upset and
327
328 / BREAKING FREE
worried.” “If you’d be nicer to me, I wouldn’t have to overeat and I could lose
weight.” “I can’t tell her Tm angry about what she said about me, because that
would make her cry and ruin the weekend.” This is erroneous, dysfunctional
thinking.
Nobody pushes your buttons. Nobody “makes” you angry, and nobody
really can “hurt your feelings,” unless he or she is committing a genuine act of
offense. When you observe something happening, that event first enters your
mind as thoughts about the event that give the event meaning. And it is that
meaning your mind gives the event that triggers your feeling reality—not the
event itself. As a result of that self-generated feeling reality, you choose your
behavior. So you are responsible for your own thinking, feeling, and what you
do or don’t do. The process works like this:
Since the experience of abuse in your past leads to skewed thinking about
present events, you may often come up with some distorted meanings for per
fectly nonoffensive events. As my husband has said to me more than once,
“Pia, you can take perfectly good data into your head, and by the time you
finish giving it meaning, it has very little to do with reality.”
By the same token, you don’t have the power to cause anybody else to
think, feel, or do or not do anything. When you say or do something, the other
person takes it in, gives it meaning, and has feelings and behaviors about it, all
on his or her own. This is why some people can stay calm and serene when
being criticized and other people dissolve into tears when someone doesn’t
smile at them.
The skewed thinking process often begins in childhood when the parent
blames the child for the abuse the parent is doing. And being abused creates
other kinds of skewed thinking. Since thinking triggers feelings, skewed think
ing makes it hard for codependents to know what they are really feeling or
what is really happening in their relationships.
I am convinced that to recover, a codependent must grasp this phenome
non of skewed thinking and how this is responsible for many of the codepen
dent’s painful feelings and mistakes in behavorial responses. But becoming
aware of this skewed thinking process is very difficult, since it is your mind
(which thinks in a skewed way) that must learn to recognize the skewed process
and how it is affecting your feelings. This factor makes recovery from
codependence more complex. But with acceptance of the fact that your think
ing is very likely to be skewed, it is not impossible.
Another painful consequence of lack of healthy internal boundaries is that
when someone is telling you his or her thoughts and opinions, you think you
must either agree with the person, giving up your own thinking reality, or you
must argue with the person until your opinion wins. This damages and bruises
relationships a great deal. But these are not the only choices. A person with
good internal boundaries does not have to convince others of the validity of his
or her reality.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 329
Thoughts’. You have the right to think what you think; you only need to
face the consequences of your thinking.
Feelings: You have the right to whatever feelings you have. You just need
to be careful that you don’t offend someone with your feelings by
expressing them immoderately. Your feelings are based on your think
ing, and you can’t change them except by changing your thinking.
Behavior: You have the right to do or not do whatever you need to for
yourself. You have the right to determine what your behavior needs to
be for yourself. You need only note the impact of your behavior on
other people and be willing to face the consequences. If your behavior
is authentically offensive to another person, you are responsible for the
impact of it.
To set your internal boundary, you must begin acting and thinking as if you
do in fact have the right to think, feel, and do whatever you want to think, feel,
and do. Hearing other people describe this process in Twelve-Step meetings or
watching sponsors or friends actually do it in their own lives can add much
courage and motivation to begin living this way yourself.
At the same time, you must be aware that while you have the right to think
what you think, the way your thinking affects your emotional reality and your
behavior bears examining. Your skewed thinking creates painful and some
times unnecessary codependent feeling reality. You need strong internal
boundaries within which to examine your thinking, get more information, and
correct any thinking you find to be skewed. Healthy thinking in recovery can
relieve some of the painful emotional reactions you have been subject to when
operating in codependence.
2. Hold your ear lobe between your thumb and forefinger and incline your
head slightly toward the person to whom you’re listening, to remind
yourself that the functional thing to do at the moment is to listen, not
defend yourself. (I started doing this because whenever my husband
confronted me I used to have a shame attack or rage attack instantly,
and I didn’t hear a thing he said.)
What you think, feel, and choose to do or not do at this moment is more about
you and your history than it is about what I have said or done (and vice versa),
unless I have committed an authentic act of offense.
Harry comes in to the kitchen and says to his wife Anne, “I need to tell you
that Fm angry with you.” Right then she knows a confrontation is happening.
He’s going to express his thinking and feeling reality to her. Anne must set her
internal boundary so she can hear what Harry has to say and be intimate and
appropriate.
First, Anne imagines her external boundary and imagines setting it down
over her whole body. Next, she reminds herself that she is to be listening to
Harry, not defending herself. She might even hold or touch her ear lobe as a
reminder. Then Anne sets her internal boundary by imagining a sheet of metal
under the skin on her chest, doors facing in. She says to herself: “What Harry
thinks, feels, and chooses to do or not do at this moment is more about Harry’s
history than it is about what I have said or done, unless I have authentically
offended him.” That helps Anne to be able to hear Harry and then note the
impact of her behavior on him. As she notes the impact of her behavior on
him, she must remember that the impact is still more about him than it is about
her, unless she has transgressed one of Harry’s boundaries. If Harry is just
experiencing Anne’s reality and not liking it, his sensibilities may feel
“offended.” But I am not using the term “offended” in this way.
Anne listens to what Harry says, using her internal boundary. She reminds
herself, “I have the right to determine whether what Harry is saying about me
is true, not true, or questionable.” After he has finished, she determines for
herself which of the three it is.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 331
External
Boundary
of
Receiver
Internal
Boundary
of
Receiver
What Happens When a Person Shares Thinking and Feeling Reality with Someone
Who Is Using External and Internal Boundaries.
When the information is true, receiver lets it through her external and internal boundaries.
332 / BREAKING FREE
If Anne listens and decides that the information is not true, she imagines
that the little lump of information hits her external boundary and bounces to
the floor. She acknowledges to Harry that she heard him, by some means such
as nodding her head. She may even express some feelings about the fact that
Harry is having a painful experience by saying something like “That sounds
painful.” But it is not necessary for her to take responsibility for what he is feel
ing, thinking, or doing or not doing. In fact, it is an act of maturity not to take
responsibility for something when she has not committed any authentically
offensive act. A mature person is able to tolerate the fact that somebody has a
different sense of reality about what happened, and doesn’t have to argue,
justify himself or herself, or prevail. With maturity, Anne can let Harry (or
anyone else) have whatever his reality is.
Remember that much of Harry’s reality is related to his own history. And
only if Anne has authentically offended him is it helpful to her to let that con-
frontive information inside her boundaries and to have feelings about it.
When the information is not true, receiver keeps it outside her external boundary.
For most codependents who set out to develop an internal boundary sys
tem, most information falls in the questionable category. So if you find that you
are often in doubt about the truth of a confrontive claim, don’t think there is
something strange about you. That is very common. With practice and recov-
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY ! 333
ery you will recognize more easily what is true about yourself and what isn’t.
But there is a way to deal with questionable confrontive material.
If Anne decides Harry’s confrontive information is questionable, she lets
that little piece of information go through her external boundary, brings it
around behind her, and puts it on her shoulder where she can watch it. .. but
she allows nothing to enter her internal boundary. Eventually, when she gets
enough data about the information Harry has given her, Anne will very likely
have a definite sense of whether the statement is either not true or true. If the
information turns out to be not true, then she throws it outside her external
boundary. If she realizes it is true, she lets it in through a door in her internal
boundary and has her feelings about it. That, too, takes maturity. This latter
scenario of handling questionable information is the experience most people
have in treatment when their families confront them.
External
Boundary
i t
of
Receiver
Internal
Boundary
of
Receiver
When the information is questionable, receiver lets it through her external boundary
but keeps it outside her internal boundary.
that you have. This allows the other person to be who he or she is and teaches
you to accept the fact that not everyone sees you the way you do. And this way
of handling confrontive situations is much more serene for those codependents
who have always hated confrontations.
This process may be difficult to practice at first because a real issue for
many codependents is control. We want to make sure that everybody believes
what we believe and that what’s happening is in accordance with what we
believe. But this is an impossible stance, since all people will never have the
same perceptions about us (or anything else) that we do. Insisting that others
agree with our perceptions destroys or bruises relationships.
Learning to communicate by practicing this exercise can allow you to live
in mature action for yourself rather than in constant codependent reaction to
other people.
If you’re on Harry’s end of the experience and are confronting someone,
understand that you have the right to confront anybody with your reality and
need only face the consequences of doing so. But before you confront someone
with your reality, it is helpful to remind yourself that your reality is more about
you than the person you’re confronting, unless that person has authentically
offended you. You may find as time goes on that more and more frequently you
check your own thinking that sets up your confrontive feelings and discover
that the “offense” you attributed to the other person is about your interpretation.
If you check that out with the other person, you may have a much more suc
cessful time communicating intimately and finding the truth about what really
happened.
But I am in a relationship with him and I love and care about him. It’s
important to note the impact of my behavior, because I may want to adjust
some of it so we can live together more comfortably, even though 1 know his
reaction to my behavior is about his history, not because I am being offensive
in any way.
With my internal boundary working, I don’t have feelings of shame and
guilt about offending him, but I do learn about him and his feelings about the
issue in question, and perhaps, if the issue is serious enough for him, feel some
pain about seeing my loved one in pain. Then I can decide whether I want to
adjust my behavior to make our relationship more comfortable. As long as I do
not have to adjust so much that I lose touch with myself or cannot express my
own reality comfortably, such adjustments are fine.
The other caveat is: if one person in an exchange has authentically
offended the other by pushing through his or her boundary system, and has
physically, sexually, intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually attacked the
other person, then the offender cannot truly say that the victim’s reaction is
about the victim's history. That statement does not hold in the victim-offender
situation.
For example, let’s say that one person has touched another without permis
sion, or has screamed at or ridiculed the other person’s intellectual ability, all
of which are authentic offensive acts. In this instance, the person who did the
offensive act is liable for the effect on the other person. In other words, I can’t
slap my husband in anger (or for any reason) and then, when he responds with
a lot of anger and pain, say to him, “That’s more about you and your history
than about my slapping you across the face.” That’s not the case.
What To Do Use the following space to record instances when someone has confronted you
by telling you his or her thinking and feelings about some part of your reality
(such as your behavior or your thinking). Were you able to establish an exter
nal and internal boundary and listen, deciding if the information were true, not
true, or questionable? Name the person, describe what he or she confronted
you with, and describe how you used internal boundaries (if at all) to have a
more functional reaction.
EXAMPLE My mother told me in a letter that she was angry and felt
rejected by my decision not to come home during the holidays.
My decision was based on my true preference to go with my
boyfriend to his father’s ranch, not as a rejection of mother. I
realized that her anger and belief that she was being rejected
was more about her and her history than about my decision,
so I noted the Impact of my behavior on her but didn’t feel
guilt or responsibility.
336 / BREAKING FREE
EXAMPLE I knew it wasn’t true, that I wasn’t rejecting her, but I blamed
myself for rejecting her and suffered for a while before I real
ized what I was doing.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 337
S. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
3. DATE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
338 / BREAKING FREE
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 339
Use the following space to write about instances when you have decided
to confront someone with your thinking and feelings about something the per
son has said or done. Were you able to do so in a nonblaming way, remember
ing that your thinking and feelings are more about you and your history than
about the other person? Name the person, describe the content of your con
frontation, and how you presented it.
Use the following space to record instances when you have had the oppor
tunity to decide whether to share your opinion (thinking reality) with someone.
What was the issue? How did you use internal boundaries (if at all) to help you
if you were able to own your own opinion? If you did not acknowledge your
thinking, describe the process that prevented you from doing so.
EXAMPLE The discussion at the party turned to the new dean of the
university. Most people seemed to be critical of him. Our
neighbor, Dan, said he didn't like the man and was sorry he’d
gotten the position. But I had met the new dean at church the
week before and thought he seemed to be an intelligent, oar
ing individual who would be good for the university. In my
opinion, the press had made biased insinuations about him in
the paper, not giving him a fair chance before making judg
ments. There was a lull In the conversation, and I managed to
say, “Dean Rutherford was at our church last Sunday.” People
looked at me and I thought, “I could just stop there and not
tell them what I thought about him and the press. But these
are my friends. After all, I have the right to think what I
think. I’ll see what happens.” Then I Imagined my bulletproof
vest and told them what I thought about the dean and the
press. The discussion continued, Dan laughed and looked
"superior,” but I told myself that was about Dan and his
history. Then Mary said she had thought the same thing I did
about the press. I felt wonderfull
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 343
344 / BREAKING FREE
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 345
Use the following space to record instances when someone else has shared
thinking reality with you that you did not agree with. What was the issue? How
did you use internal boundaries to help you simply listen to that person’s think
ing, if you were able to do this? Were you swayed to change your thinking and
agree with him or her? Were you “compelled" to argue with him or her in an
attempt to get his or her agreement with your thinking?
How I Have Reacted When Someone Has Shared Thinking with Which I Haven’t Agreed
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 347
348 / BREAKING FREE
Use the following space to record instances when someone has shared his
or her feeling reality with you. How did you use internal boundaries to help
you simply listen to that person’s reality, if you were able to do this? Were you
swayed to say something to lessen or change that person’s feelings?
A. DAU:
WHAT HAPPXHTXD:
3. DATS:
WHAI HAPP1HHD:
350 / BREAKING FREE
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 351
Tracking Improvement
As recovery progresses, you will notice that you are more comfortable inter
nally when others share their thinking and feeling reality with you. If you have
been without boundaries, you will be more able to control how much vulnera
bility you have. Your own feelings and thinking will be going on while you lis
ten to others-a sense of a separate self will begin to emerge. If you have used
walls of anger or fear in the past, you will begin to feel more calm and con
fident (less invulnerable), able to share your reality with others and hear theirs
without inappropriate anger or fear.
What To Do Describe any incidents when you become aware of progress in using appropri
ate internal boundaries.
The bottom-line question for most codependents is: Who am I? Recovery with
regard to the symptom of difficulty owning your own reality is the key to
answering this question. When you sense your reality, you know better who
you are.
The first two symptoms of codependence contribute to the difficulty with
recognizing, acknowledging, and accepting your own reality. To review, they
are (1) that you could not experience self-esteem at the appropriate level (feel
ing you were either less than or better than others) and (2) that you could not
set appropriate external or internal boundaries for yourself, leaving you with
out the protection you need to own your reality. After you have worked on
these two preceding core symptoms, you can turn to this vital area of recovery.
Purpose of These exercises are designed to help you (1) improve your ability to own
your own physical reality (appearance and bodily functioning), thinking, feel
Exercises ings, and behavior, and (2) improve your level of comfort with your own
imperfection.
Background (1) Review pages 21-28 of Facing Codependence, about the symptom of
difficulty owning your reality. (2) Review pages 82-85 of Facing Codepen
Reading dence, about a child’s imperfection in a dysfunctional family. (3) Review the
writing you did in Step One in this workbook about the way you experience this
symptom in your own life. (4) Read the following paragraphs.
As described in chapters 2 and 5 of Facing Codependence, difficulty own
ing our reality stems from not having our own childhood imperfection
accepted, understood, and guided by our major caregivers. As a result, we
responded in one of two ways: (1) we became a rebellious, “bad” person who
doesn’t try to do anything well at all because it was so impossible during child
hood to meet our caregivers’ perceived demands for perfection (we learned a
“Why bother?" attitude for life), or (2) we expended a vast amount of energy
333
354 / BREAKING FREE
What To Do Use the following space to write about changes you have noticed in the rebel-
lious/“bad” or perfect/“good” stance toward life you adopted during childhood.
A Reassessment
Since recovery in the previous two symptoms concerning experiencing self-
esteem and having appropriate boundaries predictably affects recovery in this
symptom of owning one’s reality, you may now be on a different level concern
ing owning your reality.
What To Do Reassess your level of awareness of your own reality at this time using the fol
lowing chart. Place an X in the appropriate box for each area of reality.
LEVEL A
LEVELB
HEALTHY
1. In a quiet place, read the instructions for one area, then meditate for
at least fifteen minutes (more if you wish) about your life as related to
that particular area of reality. Write the insights that come to you dur
ing your meditation in the space provided. If no insights come, repeat
your meditation about that area of reality for several days until insights
come.
For each area where you have assessed yourself as being at level A,
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 357
What To Do Write about changes in owning your reality in each of the four areas.
Use the following space to record any changes you have made as a result of
beginning to acknowledge your physical appearance.
Recognizing that you are too heavy or too thin and taking
steps to improve that
Use the following space to record any changes you have made regarding
your awareness of how your body is functioning.
THINKING REALITY
Use the following space to write about any changes you have made to own your
thinking reality.
If you have been at level A, record incidents when you stated an opinion
that you had previously been unable or unwilling to share; and record occa
sions when you were able to give your preference for a restaurant, movie, or
other activity you shared with someone else. Whether you ended up doing
what you preferred or not, did you share your preference?
If you have been at level B, write your best guess about what your thinking
is on a subject that has come up for discussion in your presence recently; and
write your answer to a frequently asked question in your life, such as “Where
shall we go out to eat?” or “What do you want to do tonight?”
362 / BREAKING FREE
FEELING REALITY
Use the following space to write about any changes you have made in owning
your own emotional reality.
If you have been at level A, record any incidents when you were able to
express an emotion you had previously held in (for example, at a meeting, with
your spouse or significant other, with a friend, with a therapist).
If you have been at level B, write your best guess about what your feelings
are on an issue that has come up recently. Some examples of possible issues are
(1) someone was late for an appointment with you; (2) someone close to you
has been seriously ill; (3) you yourself have a serious illness. (After you have
done this, your authentic emotions will often gradually surface later and you
can correct this guess with the more accurate knowledge of your feeling
reality.)
364 / BREAKING FREE
BEHAVIORAL REALITY
Use the following space to write about how you have begun to acknowledge
your own behavior.
If you have been at level A, write about a behavior you have not been will
ing to acknowledge to another person before. Remember that behavior
includes both shortcomings and accomplishments. Later, after you have told
someone about your behavior or talked about it at a Twelve-Step meeting,
write short sentences about the behavior you are now beginning to own.
If you have been at level B, write your best guess about what you have
done or not done. Possibilities include what you might have done with an item
you have lost, or the impact of your behavior on your spouse and children,
your employees or co-workers, your friends.
366 / BREAKING FREE
Tracking Improvement
Recovery in this symptom of owning your own reality leads to a general sense
of being comfortable with yourself as a perfectly imperfect, fallible person.
What To Do Record instances in which you have noticed your own imperfection and experi
enced less discomfort than before.
368 / BREAKING FREE
Now that your are experiencing some recovery in the areas of self-esteem,
boundaries, and owning your own reality, you can turn to acknowledging and
meeting your own needs and wants. As a functional recovering adult, you are
responsible for meeting your own needs and wants. You take care of those
needs that you can meet on your own but you ask for help from appropriate
sources with meeting the ones that no one can meet alone, such as the needs
for emotional and physical nurture. You acknowledge both little wants and big
wants and take steps to meet them for yourself or with the cooperation of
others.
Purpose of These exercises are designed to help you (1) move out of whatever codependent
condition you experience with needs and wants, toward interdependence; (2)
Exercises identify and go about meeting your own needs; (3) identify your own wants,
both big and little, and meet those that are feasible and appropriate.
Background (1) Review pages 28-34 of Facing Codependence, concerning the symptom of
difficulty acknowledging and meeting needs and wants. (2) Review pages
Reading 85-88 of Facing Codependence, concerning a child’s dependency in a dysfunc
tional family. (3) Review your writing in Step One in this workbook about how
you experience this symptom.
Recovery from this symptom involves practicing awareness and taking the
steps necessary to meet your needs and wants. The following exercises provide
space to record your emerging awareness and successes in meeting needs and
wants, taking responsibility for yourself when appropriate, and asking for help
when appropriate.
369
370 / BREAKING FREE
A Reassessment
Now that you have begun to experience recovery in the previous three symp
toms, changes may have occurred in your level of awareness in this symptom
since you made your original assessment in Step One.
What To Do Reassess yourself now using the following charts. Mark an X in the appropri
ate box in each column of the charts.
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY ! 371
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Too dependent: I know I have needs but I don’t acknowledge or take care
of them.
Antidependent: I know I have needs but I do not or cannot ask for help.
Confuse needs with wants: I take care of needs (of which I am unaware)
by getting what I want (which I can recognize).
TOO DEPENDENT
ANTIDEPENDENT
WANTLESS
HEALTHY
Too dependent: I know what I want but expect others to meet my wants.
Antidependent: I know what I want but do not or cannot ask for help.
Confuse wants with needs: I get wants met in an attempt to meet needs.
What To Do Use the following space to write about changes you have noticed in your level
of functioning regarding wants and needs.
TOO DEPENDENT WITH NEEDS: I know what my needs are but expect
others to meet them for me.
If you assessed yourself as too dependent with needs, in recovery you begin to
meet the needs you can meet for yourself without relying on others. Write
below the needs you have begun to provide for yourself.
374 / BREAKING FREE
If you have been unable to ask for help in the past, in recovery you begin to risk
asking safe people for help with the needs that require assistance. Use the
space below to write about experiences you now have when you ask someone
to help you meet a need.
Possibilities:
If you are needless trying to move to awareness of your needs, you will not
automatically know what you need. All people have the basic needs I discussed
earlier in this workbook, needs for food, clothing, shelter, physical nurture,
emotional nurture, medical/dental attention, financial information, sex, and
sexual information. After reviewing the questions about needs on pages 51-53
of this workbook, write in the space below needs you have become aware of
that you were not aware of before.
Possibilities:
• the need for help preparing meals when you are sick
• the need for shelter when you have lost your job and cannot provide
shelter for yourself or your family
378 / BREAKING FREE
When you move from being needless into being aware of your needs, you
may move into antidependence regarding those needs: you now know what you
need, but cannot or do not ask for help when another person is required to
meet the need. If you are at this place (aware of needs but not getting the help
you need), go back to the previous exercise and work on experiences you have
as you begin to get assistance to meet these needs.
If you have focused on your wants while neglecting some of your needs, or got
ten things you want in an attempt to satisfy needs, in recovery you begin to
identify the needs you were attempting to meet, and meet them directly. In the
following space write down needs you have been trying to meet with wants that
you are now meeting directly.
Possibilities:
• needing to develop friends for emotional nurture but buying a new car
and spending your time in the car
• needing to share your feelings but eating an ice cream sundae instead
■ needing help with your fears about not having enough money, but going
on a spending spree getting whatever you want to reassure yourself
about money
380 / BREAKING FREE
TOO DEPENDENT WITH WANTS: I know what my wants are but expect
others to provide them for me.
If you assessed yourself as too dependent with wants, in recovery you begin to
provide yourself with your wants. Write below the wants you have begun to
provide for yourself.
382 / BREAKING FREE
If in the past you could not or did not ask for what you wanted when it required
asking someone else for help, write in the following space about experiences
you are now having when you do ask someone to help you.
Possibilities:
If you are wantless trying to move to awareness of your wants, you will not
automatically know what you want. To recover, you have to make guesses
about what you think you want. In the normal growing-up process, a child
learns about wants like this: the child thinks he or she wants something, makes
the decision to get it, gets it, then finds out if he or she really wants it or not.
So some of the things you think you want will turn out to be something you
really don’t want, and that is normal. It is the process of wanting something,
getting it, and discovering whether or not you really want it that teaches you
about your own wants.
To begin to recover from being wantless, try to prime the pump by guess
ing at a few things you think you might want. List them in the following chart.
Next, attain this want for yourself and evaluate whether it brings you joy. Write
“Yes" or “No” beside each item in the list that you get, according to whether or
not you enjoyed it.
386 / BREAKING FREE
Brought Joy
Things I Think I Might Want, But I’m Not Sure (Yes/No)
•
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 387
Tracking Improvement
Recovery from this symptom means that you begin to experience interdepen
dence. You are able to note your needs and wants and meet them for yourself.
When you cannot meet them yourself, you are able to ask for help without
shame or guilt. In recovery, as you move toward interdependence, you are also
moving away from one or a combination of the four codependent stances:
Too dependent
Antidependent
What To Do Use the following space to write about ways you are beginning to acknowledge
and meet specific needs and wants. List the need or want, then describe what
you are doing to meet it.
388 / BREAKING FREE
ONE THE
SYMPTOM EXTREME OPPOSITE EXTREME
Self-esteem less than better than
Boundaries too vulnerable invulnerable
Owning reality rebellious/bad perfect/good
Meeting needs and wants too dependent antidependent or
needless/wantless
Operating in extremes inunature/chaotic overmature/controlling
Purpose of These exercises are designed (1) to guide you in reexamining your responses to
specific situations so you can discover your extreme experiences or expres
Exercises sions, and (2) to provide a place to write about your experiences or expres
sions that are more moderate as you experience improvement.
Background (1) Review pages 35-42 of Facing Codependence, about the symptom of
difficulty experiencing and expressing your reality moderately. (2) Review
Reading pages 88-89, about a child’s immaturity in a dysfunctional family. (3) Review
your writing in Step One about how you experience and express reality
immoderately. (4) Read the following paragraphs.
As you have learned in Facing Codependence, this symptom begins with
390
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 391
What To Do Use the following space to describe encounters in which you now realize your
response was extreme. (Perhaps your thinking process created an extreme
solution to a conflict, you were extremely emotional, or you did an extreme
behavior.) After describing your extreme reaction, tell how you might have
responded to the same situation with moderation.
392 / BREAKING FREE
Use the following space to write about incidents you are noticing in which
you experience an area of reality with more moderation.
Whether you have acted younger or older than your age, experiencing
your reality at your own age level is a mark of recovery. Use the following
space to describe ways you are beginning to experience and express yourself
closer to your own age level.
Tracking Improvement
Recovery from this symptom means experiencing moderation in your life in
general.
What To Do Use the following to describe ways you have noticed you are different—more
moderate in your experience of the situation.
When you begin to experience improvement in the five core symptoms, their
unmanageable consequences automatically begin to improve also. As you feel
your own worth from inside more of the time, your need to exert negative con
trol is not as strong. As you develop healthy boundaries, own your own reality,
begin to meet your own needs and wants, and begin to experience and express
yourself moderately, many of these secondary symptoms decrease in intensity.
Purpose of These exercises are designed to improve your awareness of how the unmanage
able consequences heal themselves as you work on the five core symptoms.
Exercises This section provides space for you to record incidents in which you notice
recovery from these formerly unmanageable consequences.
What To Do Each type of unmanageable consequence is dealt with individually in the fol
lowing pages. Spend as much time as you need on each one. Read the instruc
tions for one type of consequence, then spend some time reviewing your recent
. past in your mind. Look for the kinds of incidents called for, and write about
any you remember. If you can’t remember any, just spend time thinking about
the consequence. Then put away the workbook and go about your day. During
the day, try to be aware of times when you formerly would have experienced
the consequence you are working on but do not anymore, or experience it less.
Write about those examples in your workbook the next day. Continue this pro
cess focused on one consequence for several days before moving to the next
one.
400
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 401
Use the following space to write about times you have noticed when you have
exerted less effort to control any of the four parts of someone else’s reality (the
body, thinking, feelings, behavior) in situations in which you have exerted con
trol in the past.
402 / BREAKING FREE
8. NAMS:
3. NAMS:
Use the following space to write about times you have noticed when you have
not allowed someone else to exert negative control over any of the four parts
of your reality (your body, your thinking, your feelings, your behavior) in situ
ations in which you have allowed your reality to be controlled in the past.
404 / BREAKING FREE
a. NAME:
Area of reality this person attempted to control:
s. NAME:
RESENTMENT
Use the following space to write about experiences you have had in which you
have noticed less resentment than you would have experienced before. Name
the person involved and describe what happend and what used to happen (or
would have happened, in your opinion).
406 / BREAKING FREE
SPIRITUALITY
Whether you have come from the position of denying all imperfection or that
of thinking you are abnormally imperfect, at times in recovery you will be able
to embrace some aspect of imperfection without an acute shame attack.
Use the following space to write about instances in which you have seen
your own imperfection and have been able to accept it in yourself.
408 / BREAKING FREE
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 409
In recovery, we are able to see and hear someone else’s imperfection with
out judging the person or having to change or fix him or her. Use the following
space to write about times you have been able to do so. Name the person who
shared his or her imperfection with you. Describe what you heard or saw and
how you responded.
412 / BREAKING FREE
Times I’ve Listened to Someone Share His or Her Imperfection without Judgment
or Attempting to Change the Person
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY / 413
Describe in the following space your thoughts about the nature of the
Higher Power and your relationship with the Higher Power. How are these
changing as you experience recovery in this area of accepting your imperfec
tion and relating to a Higher Power? When and how do you talk to your Higher
Power?
414 / BREAKING FREE
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 415
AVOIDANCE OF REALITY
(ADDICTIONS, PHYSICAL ILLNESS, MENTAL ILLNESS)
In recovery, we move closer and closer to the reality of our own personal expe
rience, not necessarily “the Truth,” but what is real for each of us-what we
think, feel, do or not do, and how we look. As we get closer to this con
gruence, our reality becomes more in tune with the objective events in our
lives than it was before. As we are able to face and deal with the reality of our
lives and situations in which we find ourselves, we no longer need to cover and
hide our feelings from ourselves with compulsions and addictive substances,
physical illnesses, and mental disorders.
What To Do Use the following space to write about experiences you have had recently that
you have not medicated with an addiction (experiences that before recovery
would have led to your medicating yourself). Name the former addiction,
describe the situation, and describe what you did instead.
THX SITUATION:
I. ADDICTION: DATE
THE SITUATION:
Use the following space to note any chronic physical symptoms you have
had that are improving (such as asthma, allergies, arthritis, hypertension,
migraine headaches, psychosomatic pain of any kind). Name the symptom and
describe how it has improved (for example, you need less medicine, it’s been
longer than ever since you had a headache or stomach ache).
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 417
Use the following space to write about situations that used to put you out
of touch with reality (for example, profound depression, nervous breakdown)
but that you have been able to deal with while staying in touch with reality.
Describe the mental or emotional process you used to experience and how it
is better.
HOW IT IS BETTER:
8. DATE:
HOW IT IS BETTEB:
BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT RECOVERY I 419
INTIMACY
This is not the end of recovery or even of breaking free from codependence.
We are only beginning. But we are discovering that what began as a frantic
attempt to find relief from pain, powerlessness, and unmanageable conse
quences in our relationships has become a way to see how all of life can fit
together for us. We are beginning to enjoy living and the gifts and challenges
we have been given with a sense of serenity and gratitude.
We have found that working the Twelve Steps, attending meetings regu
larly, reading, working with a sponsor (and being sponsors), and perhaps most
of all beginning to trust our Higher Power with our wills and the recovery of
our lives has led us to realize that life really can be different. In giving away
what we are learning and receiving, we are finding the promises of the Twelve-
Step program coming true in our lives, one day at a time.
Our wish for you and for us is that we will all continue to grow as we learn
to live in healthy ways and to love ourselves, the other people in our lives, and
our Higher Power-whom we choose to call God.
Pia Mellody
Andrea Wells Miller
WELLNESS AND RECOVERY
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
200000249267? $12.99
RB - Psychology - Trauma & Rec
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