ARCANE

BULLSHIT
Completely serious and mystical
fortune-telling for serious occultists.

Not you, Dave. LOL, JK.

 Sassy Thunderstorm Fraggles Defenestration
FuckTrump Toboggan lionfish Reludicrilous
Cucumbercocktailshakespell Mango Papillon Mango
betwixt Shitcano heck JAKVOLMAN Maudlin
retro-autocannibalism Applesauce Dickermuffen
Fucktastic Snorkel profligate Poop Defenestration
Evangelical Wibble Mendaciously pernicious
Chinchilla Anatidaephobia Sporange Clussy SkunkApe
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Pumpernickel crocodile Rectovaginal-fistula Rutabaga
octopodes Vespertine pterodactyl Squeegee
#onebighappykid turdburglar squirt Hydrocelectomy
antepenultimate Vicissitude tatterdemalion Inure
Squamous Susurrus Afflatus Duplicitous Gunplay
Greenpizzacat Exhaustipated Furrito Poodle Anki
undercover platypus pelf Gruntled Airconditioning
Black Shitting Dick Nipplez Pimpmobile Nephandorum
Batcycle Indubitably Lignac BEWBS Lexiphanic
Procrastinating maggots Cromulent monkey tripe Po-
Tit-O BRAP tonsillolith Chode gibbering Throbbing
Nostalgia Googly-eyed Why Cherry Witch Irony
Symbologism Shouldn’t’ve Brazen Harambe Banana-
Rama Yikes pericarežeracirep Sawasdee Firkin Abacaxi
Hauk Taxation super-duper-delicious-eat-all-you-want-
without-gaining-weight-bald-faced-lie. Moist Crumpetits
Rotten worm Slunk Arklebart Lugubrious Cumquat
Foibles petrichor Eschaton olive-jism Skirr Panoply
MONOLITH Mole frindle Rabbit Sparkle Mellifluous
grimalkin haberdashery Defenestration inflict yonic
Kraken Otolaryngologists amphibology Corpuscular
Discordant TouchMySquid syzygy Unikitty! Passion
Petrichor Diaphanous Squidget Bromantic Wrong
direction Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Mother Seed

Copyright © 2018 Arcane Bullshit

Don’t steal my shit guys.

2
Life Goals Third Taradiddle fantastic asinine fastidiosum
Exigible Piddle intrusive bezoar Fnord Legerdemain raindog
Fluster perspicacious Dormouse Parapsychosimulacrap
Bawbag Clarp crepuscular Intransigent Egg nomihoudai
druthers dishwasher Globular Tanstaafl Peristalsis Discord
coruscatio Prostate Omniscient rubicon buggery Strength
dilemma Stimulating Prognostication hexennacht
FEED Gooch Hobknocker Pauciloquent farfegnugen
Schadenfreude ossuary tortoise Brouhaha Stardust
Perseverate GYNOPESSIMISM Loki logorrhea Puny
Peasant Potatoes void Misbenevolent The Other Left
Pluperfect Avalon Pegging mudlark petrichor obsequious
icterine Frumpy Snarly Virintacionized Marylou plodding
skookum rapture Chucklefart blorpa Amtal Dickwad
ingurgitate blatherskite JiggleNips Mallymoo Sovereignty
R’lyeh Pulchritude Patchwork borborygmus Fartleberries
Cthulhu susurrus pragmatic Sepulchre Eraser ukulele
Hightower Bosco CIEGO amphisbaena ailurophile
Antediluvian autometatron Breadcake discombobulate
implosion Grappa Selenophilia Rikerlicious smeckle Tattoo
Curmudgeon kitten pandaemonium waphle Viscous
nocebo Potato Devour Chthonophagia Penultimate Buns
Hippopotamus VARANIDAEMEGACORP Coruscate
Nyarlathotep Sycophant Real-galaxy™ dust Poop-liqueur
Skullfuckery hyperspacing ichor Wankspindle Good
Gourd Amblypygi recalcitrant pernicious Pusteblume
Psychopomp Bittersweet Cosmogony Amnesiacs
Unheimlich Sitzpinkler Binaural Frittata defenestration
Apotheosis tallywhacker thanateros Superlative Forklift
MOTH Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Sex transform
Tubular trepanator Pluto Faeces The Demon God H Leoj

Published by Arcane Bullshit

www.arcanebullshit.com
arcanebullshit@arcanebullshit.com

3
4
 Introductory Bullshit
Welcome chosen candidate, to the hallowed
inner circle of Bullshit.

Arcane Bullshit is the problem to all your

solutions. It’s like a book that someone did a
really shitty job of binding, and it’s all about you.
Your glorious triumphs, your tragic losses, and
your mediocre sandwiches will all be foretold.
You don’t have to learn a fucking thing because
Bullshit is, and always has been, inside you. Fuck
the divination industrial complex and their “rules”.
Be free. Make shit up. Who cares?
* Does not work in areas where predatory cats are actually a thing.
Bullshit is a delicate and powerful craft that
can bear glorious and potent fruit. Life-altering
fruit that costs 6 dollars a pound and tastes
awful, but looks incredible in photographs. In
the right hands, Bullshit can heal wounds, boost
wifi signals, and open glorious realms of fortune
and power! Grind Arcane Bullshit into a paste
to season your raven meat! Put a deck inside
your wall to repel predatory cats!*

5
 What Doth Bullshit?
Arcane Bullshit is 105 cards with words
and images on them. Does that mean it’s an
oracle deck, used for fortune-telling?

Sure. That’s what it means.

Or maybe nothing means anything? T  hink

about that while you shuffle these babies.

Let’s assume, though, that you want to

use the cards for fortune-telling. To Bullshit
most effectively, invent your own ridiculous
methods spontaneously and arbitrarily. If that
seems too hard, just copy the basic procedures
for reading Tarot/Oracle cards, as outlined in
the following pages...

HOT TIP: This information is FALSE.

6
 Here are some other
ways you can use
Arcane Bullshit:

Insert Put them in your

them bicycle spokes for
randomly guaranteed authentic
into card/
other board
motorcycle sounds.

games for confusing

results Give them to
Brian Eno
to find out if he
likes them.

Make up a game where the characters on the

cards fight each other. Tell me the rules to the
game so I can steal it.

Are you a
sociopath Try using
who depends on Arcane
dice or coins Bullshit
to make all your instead!
major life choices?

7
 Bullshitting Procedures
1
Peopling
One common Bullshit Channeling Dynamic
involves two humans - a querent and a reader.
The querent is the person who requests the
reading, the reader is the instrument or vessel
through which Bullshit is channeled.

2
Mooding
Set the mood for a reading by cleansing
the reading space using the most powerful
chlorine bleach you have on hand. Germs have
a strong psychic presence and may disrupt
readings. Make sure your corpses are safely
contained and that your buddy Paul isn’t going
to text you a picture of his expensive sandwich.
In fact, you may want to tie up all of your
affairs with Paul for the afternoon. Then put up
a poster of your favourite Sumerian demigod,
or of a baby dressed as a bumblebee.

8
 3
Questioning
To begin, the Querent must pose a specific
question, or guide the reading with a theme.
For example, the querent may present a query
such as:
“Why are ghosts ignoring me?”
“How can I find the motivation to start a
mediocre jug band?”
“What is the deeper reason behind my
sudden interest in hiking?”

4
Shuffling
The reader shuffles the cards in a very
deliberate and mystical-seeming way.

5
Spreading
The reader lays out the cards face down
according to the SPREAD they have chosen.

9
 Shuffling Tips
Mutter
“I am the shuffle puppet”
under your breath before you start.

Never
underestimat E
the
will of the cards .

Pretend the cards are

a worm
and you’re
a worm doctor
inspecting each worm section for bruises.

Think about
a goat
while you shuffle.

10
 SHUFFLING TECHNIQUES 
OF THE ANCIENTS

THE BACHELOR
Just let the cards ooze out all over the
floor. Never pick them up.

THE HOLY FUCK

Set your deck on a shelf and wait for
it to mysteriously fall over on its own.

THE THUNDERDOME
Divide the deck into two piles. Put
the two piles side by side and shout “two
decks enter, one deck leaves” until they
are shuffled.

THE POSTMAN
Put each card in an envelope and
mail them to random addresses around
the world, with instructions to mail them
back to you. Wait 12-28 business days.
Now they’re shuffled.

11
 Example Spreads
Single Card
Focus your intent, and flip a single card to
guide you. Use wild leaps of the imagination to
connect your card’s (probably confusing and/
or offensive) imagery to your present situation
and the challenge at hand.

Shit sandwich
Lay out three cards, left to right. They
represent the Past, Present, and Future,
respectively. Turn them over in chronological
order. Have weird feelings. Repeat.

1 2 3

HOT TIP: Nothing exists.

12
 Example Spreads
(continued)

Haha, a Penis
Use this spread to determine the best course
of action for a challenging decision. Lay out five
cards in the shape of a penis, rocket, or rocket-
penis. Flip the cards starting with the balls,
and working your way up the shaft. The cards
represent: Present Position, Present Desires,
the Unexpected, the Immediate Future, and
the Outcome.

1 3 2

13
 Here are some more
exciting spreads to try

The Pit Master

Throw cards in a well.

23 4
5
1

Try your best to read them.

Maybe get a flashlight.
It’s probably something to do with death.

14
The Simple one
(for Beginners)

So much relish
2
4
5

Staring blankly
1

into the void

On fire 3

15
 Bullshitting
The reader turns over each card in the
sequence dictated by the chosen spread and,
according to its position, makes up some
corresponding Bullshit.

There are no rules governing bullshit.

When the oracle presents you with an image,
simply unfocus your consciousness, unfilter your
thought-cave, shit your brain-pants, disconnect
your ego-matrix from your vocal-hole, and blast
forth whatever dumb, anarcho-magical, free-
associative nonsense-blasphemy the nether-spirits
sprinkle onto your tongue muscle.

You are the agent of your own confusion.

Use your sloppy hypnagogic confidence
to channel the demons of absurdity! Or get
down to serious business and drop some grave-
sounding business truths.

Your Bullshit can be as loose or as firm

as you want. Weave a consistent narrative, or
flipflop all over. It’s completely up to you!

16
 Conclusioning
To conclude a reading, the Reader should
probably perform some bit of mystical Bullshit
pageantry to seal the mystical deal and leave
the Querent feeling adequately Bullshitted.
Something that tells them they are in good hands,
that mystical business has been transacted, and
that zero malicious nether spirits have escaped
onto the light plane this time. Just play it
cool. That was one time, and you got it under
control.

17
 Part II

18
 A guide to

The
Arcane Bullshit
Oracle

This guide provides a succinct key for

deciphering the meaning behind each of the 105
powerful emblems comprising the ARCANE
BULLSHIT oracle. These explanations are
provided for demonstration purposes. They
are complete Bullshit and should always be
overridden by any spontaneous Bullshit The
Reader can conjure in the moment.

19
 1 Look At This
Fucking Hourglass
When the final grains have passed through
the colon of time, you die. It also means that
one hour has elapsed. In the upright position,
this card represents the mundane, the banal,
and the ordinary. When reversed, it means
something that’s taken a long time to mature
will devolve into chaos.

2 The
The word ‘the’ is completely mundane
and invisible, but it can also make something
very important. THE feathered lemon. THE
empty fanny pack. THE creamy solar orgasm.
THE damp shoe. Think about that.

3 The Froodus
The Froodus’ vomit envelopes everyone:
rich, poor, a guy who just bought an ice cream
cone. All are equal beneath his ancient fluids.
The Froodus represents leveling, chaos, and
also birthdays. Think about the problem at
hand, and then think of it covered in frothy
caustic enzymes. Things don’t look so bad
anymore, do they?

20
 The Pregnant Babies 4
Babies having babies. Will those babies
have more babies? Maybe their babies will
give birth to snakes that will swallow them and
then give birth to baby snakes who swallow
themselves? This is the cycle of life.

The Guru 5
All your questions will be answered, all
your answers questioned. The guru consumes
feedback, offers hollow echoes. Should you
trust this weirdo? The signs are conflicting.

Maze Face 6
We all wear disguises. Or do disguises wear
us? Trying to see reality can lead us in circles.
We don’t all look good in hats. Something that
seemed like an acceptable starting point will
reveal itself to be absurd.

Horse Death 7
Beating a dead horse isn’t always necessary,
but sometimes it’s just super fun. In several
fictional cultures, the death of a horse is very
good luck and means that your nephews will
prosper in war and romance.

21
 8 Thief
Something will be stolen. Wasps are
very sensual. Beware of corpses, hoses, wasps,
and wasps. Avoid lawsuits, booby traps, and
murderers.

9 Space Death
This is generally considered to be a good
card, with the one caveat that you are definitely
going to die in space.

10 The Parasitic Fruit

Things you set in motion some time ago
are now beginning to bear fruit. Fruit that is
eating your face and exploding out of your
head. It is now time for you to pursue your
dreams.

11 Rhubarb Tony
Opulence, power, rhubarb. Your success
in upcoming ventures in agriculture will
hinge upon your own potency, steadfastness,
dynamism, sprightliness, and buoyancy.

22
 Sex Witch with Octopus 12
Traditionally associated with balance,
duality, baskets, and hospitals, the presence
of the Sex Witch with Octopus is excellent
news if you are looking for harmony in your
fish marriage or hoping to start a witch family.

The Former Child Star 13

Things that you have achieved in the past
are meaningless. Consider how the following
words relate to your present situation: custard,
elbow, mop, decoy, crab.

The Decision Maker 14

Just follow the plan that the great decision-
maker set out for you. Or find someone you
think seems pretty together, and just follow
them. Follow them into a clothing store. Find
out what size they are. Buy the exact same
outfit as them.

The Pyramid-Headed Bird 15

The meaning of this card is obvious.

23
 16 THE DOUBLE CavemAn
There are two sides to everything. They
are both kind of stupid.

17 The Robot Riding a Gorilla

When The Robot Riding a Gorilla appears,
it should be taken as a grave reminder to heed
curfews, exfoliate, and secure your rhombus.

18 The Lord of the Hunt

Be wary of what appears to be easy prey,
and stop overestimating yourself. Life is hard
and unfair, god dammit!!

19 The Pupa Vomiting on Cats

We all must transform to survive, but
transformations can be super gross. Stop
fearing change, get out there and vomit on life!

20 King Fancy
King Fancy says let your hair down and
treat yourself to something fancy. Of course
there will be consequences! Ignore them if you
want to.

24
The Werewolf and Pig Making Out 21
Your love life is in perfect harmony. Avoid
nature, liquids, and glitter.

Coffin Full of Tacos 22

Full of Snakes
If you just put some money in the bank it’s
going to gather interest at a prescribed rate, as
determined by your financial institution. Many
exciting new developments will yield horrifying
further developments, giving way to peace,
then more horror, and so on.

The Gravy Funnel 23

Your gravy train has made a long journey
from flavour country and it’s finally pulling
into the gratification station. It’s time to gorge
yourself on the savoury brown nectar of the
sauce-gods. You’ve earned it!

Make Up Your Goddamn Mind 23

Put on your decisiveness helmet and grab
the decision bull by the initiative-spout! You
are the master of your own impetus wand!
Incite your potential! You can always soothe
your regrets with more decisions!

25
 25 The Weird Tree
The weird tree smells like diamonds and
mustard. He likes apostrophes and marriage.
Nature can’t be trusted.

26 Baseball Goat
Somebody is probably going to throw you
a surprise party. Either that or you’ll cut your
fingernails just a little bit too short. Maybe
either one of those things will be a metaphor.
Although you feel like an impostor, you will be
required to hit a ball with a stick.

27 The Dildo Wizard

A dildo wizard is only popular at the right
kind of party. Make sure you’re at the right
kind of party before you get out your dildos,
or face the consequences.

28 Half-Price Hot Wings

You will be presented with an opportunity
you cannot ignore. Afterwards your hands will
be all sticky.

26
 Nip-Slip Pope 29
You’ll get the attention you crave, but
not necessarily for the reason you’ve imagined.
Shocking revelations await you. Make the best
of weird surprises. Try not to think about
tombs, caves, yolk, or pencils.

The All-Seeing Slice 30

Wisdom comes with the combo, but
privacy is a premium topping. You can’t
unbake the crusts of time.

Knees 31
In an emerging conflict, you’ll have to
choose whether to trust your feet or your
genitals. Your ability to bend is your greatest
strength.

Nobody 32
Sometimes being ‘nobody’ has its benefits.
Ignore your paranoia, nobody cares enough
to spy on you.

27
 33 Something
Everything is a dream. Or at least,
something is. This card represents something,
and implies strongly that you should do
something about something. Perhaps there is
something in your life you should do something
with - or to?

34 Instinct
Sometimes it’s best just to ease up
and let your reptilian-bird mind take the
wheel. Surrender control in such matters
as: accounting, basketball, thunderstorms,
and party planning. Stop thinking and start
nervously swallowing whole eggs! You’ve got
this!

35 The Beefcake
Pleasant surprises delivered by a sexy
stranger. The beefcake represents prudence,
mortgages, baldness, and the apocalypse. If
this card is inverted, decrement your sexiness
score by 7.

28
 Saxophone Fetus 36
Something yet unborn will yield jazzy
results. Protected within the uterus of destiny,
the soul makes beautiful music, but will that
music survive its journey through the vaginal
canal of uncertainty?

Pit bull Driving a Tiny Truck 37

Some people think pit bulls are mean.
Some people say their owners make them
mean. It’s time to get your inner pit bull a tiny
truck, so it feels the pride it deserves to feel
and doesn’t injure any metaphorical toddlers.

Card of Cards 38
Cards cards cards cards cards cards cards
cards cards cards cards cards cards.

The Sword Hoarder 39

An attempt to reconcile with your former
housekeeper will fail. It’s time to let go of the
anger you’ve been holding onto, or maybe start
a sword collection.

29
 40 The Golden Retriever
Loyalty will come into question. A
colleague whose slobbery clumsiness you
mistook for stupidity is actually a dog.

41 The Greased Priest

Spiritual comfort will continue to slip
through your hands. Or you’ll have an erotic
encounter with a clergyman. Or both.

42 Random Clip Art

It is often tempting to fall back on a cheap,
ready-made library of solutions, but don’t
doubt your creative ingenuity. Create your own
answers instead of relying on the convenience
of cliches. Or, whatever, just use the cliches.
Especially if they are in the public domain.

43 Future Grandma
The image of the cyborg grandmother
appears extensively throughout masonic and
alchemical texts. She is typically associated with
moth balls, racism, and deep immersion in a
hyper-real simulation of existence. You may
want to switch cable providers.

30
 Everything’s Fine 44
Apocalyptic visions may be the sign of a
head injury. Do not place containers of hot or
boiling liquids near the edge of a stove, sink, or
table. Something will end unexpectedly.

Raptor Riding 45
a Dolphin in Space
Exciting but risky opportunities await you.
If you heed the call of awesomeness, you may
become lost and thoroughly annoying to less
awesome people.

RoboDodo 46
You have an opportunity for a second
chance, but this time remember to adapt and
evolve. No matter how much you learn from
your mistakes, you’ll always look super dumb
making them.

The Anthropomorphic Carrot 47

The Anthropomorphic Carrot just wants
you to kick back and eat 5-10 servings of
vegetables each day. Is that too much to ask?
He seems friendly enough, but what’s with all
the hugs?

31
 48 Chaos Mom
Chaos Mom is the highest progenitor of
pain and chaos. The true daughter of future
grandma, the estranged spouse of Galaxy-dad,
Chaos Mom represents confusion and disorder,
but also unconditional love, and sandwiches.

49 It’s Probably Nothing

You may see signs everywhere, but
generally it’s safe to assume that you are not
special in any way and anything that might be
happening is the product of randomness.

50 You’re Fucked
Put more courage and enthusiasm into
what you do. Or take more time to reflect
in solitude. It doesn’t matter. You’re fucked.

51 Shrimp and Guns

Don’t be afraid to defend your tastes. You
will make a happy and lasting union with a
brown-haired person.

52 The Inverted Squirrel

The opposite of squirrels.

32
 The Surfin’ Chimp 53
Is the Surfin’ Chimp a cool dude looking
for the perfect ride? Or a prisoner, drifting
eternally in a sea of alienation and indifference?
Your confidence may lead you into dark and
lonely waters, where you will be constricted by
the greasy tentacles of hubris.

Shark, Trombone, and 54

Three Sandwiches
Things will present themselves to you in
a sequence, but they won’t all be the same
weight or taste similar. If you choose the wrong
one, you can always eventually forget that you
made an awful mistake.

Future Not Found 55

This one is just a funny joke. You know,
like when a website doesn’t load or something?
Or maybe it’s really serious and you won’t have
a future? Just kidding, I wouldn’t joke about
that. OR WOULD I????

33
 56 The Bird-Book-Snake Thing
Knowledge is dangerous, but awesome.
Without vision in our pursuits, we risk
becoming monstrous puppets of waste and
chaos...But that could be really fun.

57 The Rat Trout

The Rat Trout is a little bit smelly and
floppy, but consider its strengths...I’m not sure
what they are, but try to consider them. He’s
just doing his best.

58 The Pantsless Beekeeper

This card seems to be a specific warning
about pantslessness around bees, but it’s really
a general endorsement of pantslessness at
work. The occasional bee sting is the price the
pantsless beekeeper pays for absolute freedom.

59 MnumrlploxySm
Skip shop class, load up your bucket with
chalk and limes, and get down to your nearest
octagonal cave. Then deposit 35 tickets, and
proceed through the wing-shaped door toward
the bent camel statue. After that, you’ll never
have to feed the ostrich again.

34
 The False Face 60
Something that appears to be one thing is
in fact another thing that appears to be a thing
but is actually another completely different
thing concealing another thing. We all wear
masks, don’t we? I don’t.

Giving Birth To A Skull 61

A positive phase will feel like a success,
but seeds you have sown will bear upsetting
fruit. Then everything will be cool for a while.
The catfish represents a pleasant but short-lived
interest in spelunking.

The Queen of Holes 62

Some things look like entrances, but are
really holes. Likewise, some holes are really
passages, and certain passages may lead to
endless voids. Avoid trying to help strangers,
be wary of investments, and stay at least 15
feet away from woodpeckers.

Wolves 63
Capitalize on your talents, especially if you
have wolves for fingers.

35
 64 Crazy Mystical Shit
Some mysteries are best not understood.
Trust your intuition, look for signs everywhere,
and let your confusion guide you. The less
sense your solutions to everyday problems
make, the better. When in doubt, just put
some apple cider vinegar on it.

65 Infinite Cosmic Mess

The universe is a hideous, stupid explosion
of chaos and nonsense which happens to have
created an orb with little people all over it. This
card means that someone you have a crush on
will misinterpret a text message.

66 The Flying Man

Everything seems to be going really well,
with no sign of ever changing. Maybe a fresh
start in some area would be a good idea - have
a think about it.

67 The Filthy Mattress

It may be time to discard something very
intimate. Stop attributing depth to that which
appears mundane.

36
 The Floppy Key 68
Always keep trying to force things when
they don’t appear to fit right away.

GALAXY DAD 69
Patriarchal authority, power, masculine
strength. These things are all terribly boring.

The Giant Sperm 70

Fighting a Dove
Productive impulses may lead to discord
and violence. Something that seems like a
deep yet solvable frustration is actually just
part of life. Stop trying to solve things; embrace
compromise and accept your misery.

The Skeleton Eating a Banana 71

This is probably about death. And also penises.

The Pie Knight 72

The Pie Knight is An adventurous risk
taker who follows his passions. He’s also kind
of an idiot. But he does have pies.

37
 73 The Heron Bearer
The heron bearer signifies a burden carried,
which may hold some ceremonial or symbolic
value, but is otherwise completely fucked up
and unnecessary.

74 Meaningless Garbage
Sometimes meaningless garbage is just
meaningless garbage. It’s time to let go of
things that were once a source of meaning,
but are now just weighing you down - like apple
cores and fish skeletons, Boondock Saints on
DVD, your parents, your hotmail account,
most of your memories, hope for the future,
etc.

75 Urinal Death
An unfortunate development will be made
even less pleasurable by the events that follow
it. There is always a possibility that this card
signifies ‘rebirth,’ but it would have to be
‘urinal rebirth,’ which is gross.

76 The Orgy
Don’t doubt the love you feel around you,
but also be careful where you put your mouth.

38
 Old man Pouring Water 77
On an Eyeball
Get ready to use the following phrases in
conversation: “kindly remove your hovercraft
from the piazza” , “I think you’ve mistaken
my sequined fedora for a chamber pot”, “I am
not harvesting your organs. Go back to sleep.”

The Gross Cup 78

Sometimes in life, you’ve got to take a
drink from a gross cup. Let go of your of your
crippling preconceptions about “infectious
diseases” and take a chance! Even being
metaphorically (or literally) poisoned might
bring new opportunities.

Madame Rufflebonnet 79
Trying to disguise something as something
else actually works, with delightful results.
Don’t be a gossip, or you’ll fall in a mud puddle.

The Feral Nerd 80

Follow your interests into the dizzying
wilderness of obsession! Eschew personal
hygiene and social status in favour of esoteric
knowledge!

39
 81 The Penis Weasel
Weasels have long, slender bodies, which
enable them to follow their prey into burrows.
No penis is safe.

82 The Shitty Acoustic

Guitar Guy
Maybe if you stopped putting up so many
Wonderwalls, you’d finally have the Time
of Your Life? This guy is the fucking worst.
Nobody knows whose friend he is, but he
probably knows bongo Todd.

83 The Digging Ghost

This ghost is digging himself a hole. Maybe
because he’s seeking peace? But instead he’s
just digging. Also he’s wearing a crown, and
has an especially thick booty. None of these
signs can be ignored.

84 The Eagle Chained to a Calf

Are you the eagle of the calf? Is this pairing
helpful, like knives and forks? Or hurtful, like
knives and butts? Don’t get a knife in your butt.

40
 Annihilation 85
The adorable baby basset hound
symbolizes unknowable pain and suffering.
Although falsely described as “a good boy”
by the 18th century charlatan Elvi Elephi,
his appearance typically signals nothing but
desolation and horrors of the highest order.

Birthday Corpse 86
Avoid falling back into old habits that
should have died when you became empty and
dead inside. But then also, why not just throw
yourself a party even if it seems sad. You don’t
care about appearances. Do you?

Death Death 87
Ordinary Death represents the transit
of souls from one plane to another, and
symbolizes transformation, but this is Death
Death. Your transformation is temporarily
stunted, potentially due to some kind of
ultimate cosmic fuck up. To get things back
on track, you just have to travel to the
shadowscape and sacrifice a filp phone to the
forever guardian, whose name is Hank.

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 88 Papa Macho
Masculine power, boneheaded confidence,
and general chaos. Papa macho’s bros will tell
you that he’s a cool guy, and one time he did
say something that seemed really poetic, but
ultimately he just wants to fuck shit up.

89 A Woman Breastfeeding
a VCR
Maternal comfort and protection, obsolete
technology, futile nourishment of a person or
thing that cannot be nurtured. This woman is
named Kate, or maybe Amber, and she is no
longer welcome at Value Village.

90 A Cat Licking its Butt

for Eternity
Unlike Sisyphus, this cat knows exactly
what it’s doing. Never pity this cat.

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 A Bunch of Cats Posing 91
as a Woman
Have I already said that we all wear
disguises? I have? So...I probably shouldn’t
just say that again? Well OK then. This card
is about aspiring to be something you’re
not, even though what you are is a horde of
beautiful tiny apex predators. But seriously
though, we all actually DO wear disguises if
you think about it.
92
Big Sexy Satan
Big, sexy, hip-poppin’, dong danglin’,
shape-shiftin’, non-gender-conforming, non-
ANYTHING-conforming subterranean sin
daddy. Satan. He’s the answer to all your
problems, but there’s no turning back from
the transformative awesomeness he’s offering.
93
This Card is Definitely
About Sex
What is Sex anyway? Why sex? To whomst
dothst one sex? Are you making your problem
overly philosophical? You should probably just
fuck something.

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 94 Lil’ Pablo
He’s got a little horn for tooting, plus a
lobster AND he’s riding backwards on a frog.
What a little rascal. He’s probably up to all
kinds of mischief. Wait..Just how little is this
guy? Or is that a super big frog? Take some
time to ponder the idea of scale.

95 This FUCKING Guy

Who does this fucking guy think he
is? He’s probably named Chad or Brett or
something. This Guy always shows up at the
least opportune moment and he’s always got
some scheme he’s got to tell you about. This
card represents annoying shit, distractions,
schemes, and general ruining of things by guys.

96 You’re So Fucking Fucked

You’re waist deep in the serpent’s throat,
there’s teeth, there’s fire...There’s no easy way
to say this...You’re just so fucking fucked. But
once you realize that everyone’s fucked, you’re
finally free to just be bored.

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 Hang in There 97
Should you really hang in there? Maybe
just outside the bounds of this image there’s
something that’s going to make the suffering
worthwhile? Like a nice refreshing glass of milk?
But maybe the milk is also on fire? At this point
maybe you don’t care. If you’re in a tough spot,
you should try flailing desperately.

Aunt Brenda 98
Aunt Brenda is a mysterious character who
symbolizes tough love, outlet malls, and general
maternal baddassery. She’s got your back, but
sometimes she comes on a little strong.

Vengeance 99
Unrequited love? Unexpected tax audit?
Revenge is the answer! Maybe you’re thinking
“no, revenge isn’t really appropriate in this
situation.” Shut up. Really?

The Provider 100

Caring for a little homunculus and a
miniature elephant is hard work. Especially
when you’re low on wine. You may be over-
extending yourself in matters of finance, animal
husbandry, or wine.
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 101 Holy Shit, Stop Asking
At this point, you probably fucking know
the answer. Just fucking meditate or ask a
crystal or a weird gnarled tree branch or your
friend Cheryl. I don’t fucking care.

102 King Shit

Own your power, no matter how gross
it feels. Anything can be a throne if you sit
on it right.

103 The Toilet Angel

Sometimes the moral high ground just isn’t
accessible. If you’re willing to descend to some
pretty fucking horrible depths, who knows
what kind of trasformo-awakenation might be
possibilified. Think about how your situation
could be improved by embracing your filthiness.

104 A Cactus On a Motorcycle

With Udders
A cactus doesn’t need a lot of water, so
there should be more than enough motorcycle
milk to last any journey. Sure, it looks like
a weird arrangement, but this might be a
pretty solid partnershipyou should try flailing
desperately.

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 A Uterus with Feet 105
Aunt Brenda is a mysterious character who
symbolizes tough love, outlet malls, and general
maternal baddassery. She’s got your back, but
sometimes she comes on a little strong.

END OF SECRET KNOWLEDGE

FROM BEYOND THE LIMITS OF MORTAL
COMPREHENSION.

THANK YOU FOR DABBLING.

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 WARNING
Prolonged exposure to Arcane Bullshit has
been linked to the following conditions:
Third-eye infection, runny aura, premature
cognition, brain taint, identity tremors, soul
chafe, haunted ego, eternal damnation,
logic rot, astral diarrhea, conjurer’s itch,
megaboners, witch gut, transcendental
cramps, The Horror™, nightmares from
which you can never awaken, infinite
spiralling malaise, dry skeleton, spiritual
hypertrophy, inflamed pneuma, psychic
cachexia, gynodisobedience, trans-dimensional
hallucinations, homicidal ideations, the long
dark winter of the spirit, nachtweinen, restless
hair, hermeticist’s jowels, beard hardening,
existential discharge, futureshock, day terrors,
being forever haunted by the grim spectre of
your wasted youth, retrograde imagination,
penile omniscience, lumpy gums, thinning
of the fingers, transubstantial logorrhea,
non-euclidean ejaculation, membrane loss,
vaginal telekinesis, dungeon tongue, irritable
libido, swollen mojo, warning fatigue.

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